I was searching through some boxes today, trying to find my passport for my upcoming trip to Brussels, when I happened across a stack of yellowing bits of paper in the bottom of a dusty forgotten box file.
"What's this then?" thinks I, spotting my own name upon the pages.
Why, it's a random assortment of old school reports. This should be good for a laugh!
Well yes and no
I knew I was always a quiet kid. I knew I had trouble getting on with the other kids in my class. But I thought I was just like any other quiet child prone to occasional bullying. Not so! On reading through my old reports I realise, to my horror, that I was in fact some kind of awful social retard.
Check this quote by Mrs Hartley, from 1992 (age 10)
quote: General Comments (including attitude and behaviour)
In many ways Christopher is quite immature. He needs to acquire a much greater self discipline and to learn to organise himself and his time more effectively. Most pieces of written work have to be dragged out of him*
*this becomes something of a theme actually. For some reason I hated writing and found it really boring. I think it's because I could think in my head all the things I wanted to say but couldn't get them onto the paper fast enough because my handwriting was horrendous
It continues..
quote: Chris gives up much too easily if things become difficult whether it is a mathematical problem or a social problem. He has to learn to be willing to try to overcome difficulties by facing up to them
At times during the year Chris has felt that he has no friends and that everyone else is against him and yet can be quite intolerant and insensitive towards others. he must recognise that he too needs to work at friendships
Chris is obviously a bright and able boy who is not achieving his full potential. He is very easily distracted from his work and inclined to be a dreamer
Well ok that last bit is as true today as it was then.
However her cruel words are in stark contrast to my own comments made on the next page. The words, clearly, of a troubled and under-appreciated genius:
quote: (please note I have left the original spelling in-tact)
P.E.
P.e. was pretty good because I enjoy exercise. The one bit that I enjoy most is indoor rounders because I think I'm quite good at it. I like apparaus as well especially the wallbars because they are easy however I dont have a head for hights. Occasionally we have bench ball and a game that I dont knot the name of. At the beggining of the year we did dance tapes and cirtain sports
English
English was ojay but we did loads of writing and after a while you start to get bored of it pluss my had writing leaves a lot to be desired as you can see from this report
Maths
Maths was bad because we had to do 60-questions tables tests. However the bit where we made a box from the area of the original one was good because I like making things from card. Then came S.M.P what is just doing answers to questions. then we had mental arithmatic which is just another tables test with different questions
Topics
Ancient Greece: This topic was excallent much better than light and sound which, I'm afraid was a bit of a let down. The only bad thing about it was that every thing that we did involved writing of one kind. Light and Sound: Just a bit too much writing we made a pinhole camera which consists of a box with a hole each end covered in tracing paper Moving things: This was three topics rolled into one, Moving House, Moving waste matereals, and I cant remember the other one this topic was good and I enjoyed making the crane
Frankly you have to agree that while I may not have particularly enjoyed writing, and my teachers may have been dismayed with the pace at which it was produced, there's no denying that it's a thoroughly entertaining and surprisingly well written read. I was certainly very forthright with my opinions and didn't shy away from expressing how boring and unchallenging I found most of it.
Though it is fair to say that even at that young age, it was clear I would never be an athlete
quote: Christopher has worked hard to improve his ball skills this year with some success. His general co-ordination is somewhat ungainly, but he has tried hard to control his body in P.E.
Unfortunately for the next year, there is little improvement
quote: Christopher finds it very difficult to complete his pieces of work in the time allowed. he is easily distracted by others. Christopher must place more emphasis on organising himself and his work schedule in order to achieve success in all aspects of written work. He has had some problems with friendships and will have to find a stable partner and friend to help him both with his work and leisure time. He is a pleasant, friendly boy who needs to feel secure in working groups
I'm not sure what he meant there by a 'stable partner'. I mean, I was 11, was he expecting me to settle down with a girl (or boy, judging from the worryingly androgynous term 'partner') at that young, tender age? Piffle. But yes, probably having at least one friend would have benefited me immensely.
A couple of years later though and it all seems so much more encouraging, with some of the teacher comments sounding more like a description of a younger version of the person I am now. I wonder if maybe it was because I had a male teacher for those years. Here's a selection of quotelets
quote: English
I have been very please to see Christopher has been taking so much pleasure in reading this year. His choice of books has matured and he clearly knows what he likes to read and why. He also enjoys reading and writing poetry, and likes to use expression in his voice when he reads aloud.
is written work has shown signs of improvement, with the development of an engaging style and awareness of audience. He will need to improve the speed of his output though, is he is going to be able to complete the ever increasing amounts that he wants to write.
Technology
Christopher has responded well to, and been successful in tackling the technology problems. He has shown confident use of materials and equipment. he has a growing understanding of mechanisms and this enabled him to product a good power boat.
(note - I didn't actually build a full sized power boat. It was just a little model with rubber bands and suchlike. Mine was totally the fastest of the class though because it was more streamlined - Ringo)
Art
Christopher has made very good use of his sketch book during the year, recording and developing his ideas. I have been impressed by his ability to look at things from different 'angles' and to represent them in imaginative ways. He really enjoys cartoon drawing showing a great eye for detail, but at times the content is somewhat self indulgent and hard to interpret.
As you see, my artistic output was beyond my teacher's limited capacity for comprehension.
This is probably the year I remember most vividly, and also most fondly from my years at combined school before moving up to secondary. The last comment I would ever make on a first school report was under the 'My interests' section at the back:
quote: My interests are computers and technology. I prefer computers because I facinated by the billions of things they do. I like technology because I like making things and designing new methods of propulsion for the things I make. I once made a plane, it was a good idea and everything but it just wouldn't fly. I think that it was too heavy. It went up the runway, over the ramp and smashed into hundreds of bits. I also enjoy swimming.
And with that I moved to secondary school, which is where I seemed to turn more into a normal human being, just like every one else.
Though I didn't lose my sense of humour:
quote: Maths
This year in maths I have done all kinds of charts, decimals, percentages, fractions and bearings. I have found it mostly easy, except for charts, decimals, percentages and fractions.
It's hard to remember really just how much teacher input there was from this point onwards in my yearly reports. My comments become increasingly focused, insightful and self aware. In some reports I sound genuinely disappointed when I don't think I've made the kind of progress I wanted, and in others very pleased with myself.
I find it fascinating that I started out as a reclusive, odd child who had severe difficulties in relating and socialising with other pupils, to a reasonably well adjusted young man. It's fair to say that this was thanks, in part, to my supportive teachers who bothered to take an interest in me and weren't afraid to criticise when I had let myself down. But also I realise now that their comments must have, at least partially, inspired me to improve myself. Over the course of 6 years I managed to mature and address the issues I had, without losing my creative side.
This is the one thing I think that kids who are home schooled maybe don't get to experience; the process of having, at a young age, to address and overcome the social conflicts which are part and parcel of growing up. That's the difference really, because homeschooling can lead to great academic and vocational success, but does this come at the expense of having to learn at an older age, how to properly deal with certain social situations?
It's always fun reading back through old school reports, because it inevitably brings back memories. But at the same time it makes you realise that you've been on this pretty amazing journey which has shaped the kind of person you've become. Who is to say what kind of person I would be now if my first teacher had been different. Had encouraged me in some different way, or maybe taken less of an interest.
It's probably no surprise though, given the difficult time I had in my years in school, that I found it very hard to motivate myself to go into higher education. I had a stab at A levels, and college, and dropped out of both to go into full time work. I don't regret that, it was right for me at the time, although there are decisions I've made since then which I could have done differently. But who is to say, right? It's really easy to look back and think that life would be better if you'd gone down a different path. Like, if I had gone to a different college, to do a motor mechanics course rather than IT, where would I be today? Maybe I'd be happier. My life would be completely different though. Half the friends I have now are people I met in college. I wouldn't work in an office now, so I would never have found Seethru. I wouldn't have met any of you. I don't know if I'd be happier, or better off. I'd be a different person to who I am now.
I don't know where I'm going with this really, or what kind of a discussion we can have it. I'm just, as Mr Roe points out above, being self indulgent and difficult to interpret.
Maybe other people have old school reports they could share?
Who knows.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Great post, but all my school reports are long gone..
Mostly they said "Must try harder" and "easily distracted"..
One said "He walks through life with a 17th century cavalier attitude" which I rather liked.
Posted by Keef (Member # 27) on :
I know mine still exist, just not easily at hand unfortunately. They reside in a filing cabinet at my parents house but having read your post Ringo, I'm tempted to ask them to dig them out for me. Might make interesting reading after 20 years... If there are any gems of comments I might even post them.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I think my earlym chcolrl.....
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
My school reports were quite educational. It's where I first learned the meaning of words like "lackadaisical" and "indolent".
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I was a really annoying girly swot. I suspect my school reports would be very, very dull.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Yes. I wonder how many people on TMO might find "easily distracted" formed a cornerstone criticism throughout their school reports.
I was going through some school reports and exercise books last time I was at my parents' house. There was a music teacher who described me as "completely tone deaf", which was completely innaccurate - I just couldn't sing, which isn't the same thing at all. Then there was the art teacher who said I "shouldn't waste time telling ridiculous stories". No. Yeah. Where's that ever going to get me. In fairness, I was completely atrocious at 'art' (ie, drawing/ painting), to the point where it annoys me when people say they can't draw or whatever, because I've never met anyone so completely incompetent at drawing or painting as me. I can't even paint a wall.
One History teacher made fun of my brevity by claiming "Ian gets the most marks from the least expenditure of ink", which my parents found hilarious and still bring up 20 years later. Well, fuck you teacher and - yes - fuck you dad, because being able to hammer home as many points as possible in the fewest words is actually a valuable skill in the 21st Century world of Journalism, marketing and copywriting.
Most of my English reports tempered their praise with comments on the appalling level of gruesome violence that shaped my creative writing (this was aged about 8-13, I kind of grew out of it for a while), but mostly they seemed pleased that I wrote in my spare time and handed stories in to be marked.
Maths was probably the worst of them - it was always just a foreign language to me. I could never get my head round it, and my reports were completely exasperated by the fact. And also, that I was utterly lazy when it came to maths. I just couldn't be bothered.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I was good at sciences and languages but it was the creative subjects that I failed to shine in. As evidenced by my TMO output over the years, my writing is pedestrian, and always sounds dead and flat to me.
I really enjoyed Art, but my output was less 'inspired' and more 'technical' in nature. I still dabble occasionally nowadays but am not enormously proficient - the things I produce can occasionally look OK but I feel as though I've cheated since there's no real original spark behind them, they're basically just black and white photos rendered in ink. Similarly I've been known to do needlecraft in the past but that's basically paint-by-numbers using yarn rather than paint (BTW sorry Mikee, I promise I'll dig out that project and finish it off for you).
So, yeah. I'm a nerd with no flair Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I never really paid attention to my reports. A history teacher once said that my flowery pen couldn't make up for my lack of knowledge, but apart from that, it was the standard stuff about attitude and agressiveness towards teachers.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
parent's night was far, far worse than reports.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
In terms of how good I was at subjects, my reports seem slightly contradictory. Each subject had a few common themes, in particular my homework was always short and rushed, or missing entirely. I was frequently lazy and apparently would ‘run out of steam’ about halfway through any piece of work. They read like the reports of someone who was of below average ability in these subjects, yet all of the reported grades were A and B grades. It’s like I grasped the subject really well, and in terms of my understanding of the material I couldn’t actually be faulted by my teachers. It’s just I never really bothered doing the work because it mostly seemed like repeating what they had already told us. Maybe I really was just completely understimulated by the subjects I was learning. I know for a fact that my art teacher thought I had massive talent and potential, but used to get really angry with me for never actually using my ability. I think she was kind of hoping I might go on to do something vaguely artistic.
I was pretty good at most subjects but there were a few I seemed to really shine in. Science was one of them, and technology classes (both design and stuff like woodwork etc) and as I got older I started to really enjoy English. I’m trying to remember now which classes I really didn’t enjoy. I think that Geography was one of them, and Maths another. It used to irritate me that I wasn’t better at maths, especially when I saw people who I knew weren’t actually as smart as me, finding the subject a lot easier than I did. In a way I kind of wish I could go back to school now because I think I’d actually enjoy it a lot more. But I have to reluctantly admit, I’d probably still spend my time daydreaming, doodling in the back of my exercise books, and staring at the outline of Natalie Coleman’s bra…
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: A history teacher once said that my flowery pen couldn't make up for my lack of knowledge.
Ha! A lot of teachers clearly failed to predict the extent to which style would completely overshadow substance by the time we hit adulthood. A flowery pen is way more important than knowing what you're talking about.
Anyone want to have a crack at quoting 'a flowery pen is' there? I can't work out a joke to go with it. Maybe Hippychick can feed it into an excel spreadsheet and come out with a quip that, although technically a joke produces neither laughter, disgust, or weary groans.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
yeah I was quite pleased to have a flowery pen.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
lol, yeh I actually read that that benway had a pen with flowers on it. loll
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
idiot.
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: My school reports were quite educational. It's where I first learned the meaning of words like "lackadaisical" and "indolent".
Yeah, one of my art reports taught me the word flippant. Which was pretty accurate really. Just about every report from the beginning to the end of my school career included 'class clown' at some point or other.
One thing that I remember well was being told time and again that I was a very intelligent boy who would do well if I just applied myself. Basards. For ages I believed them.
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: A flowery pen is
I always wondered how bakers made the holes in ring doughnuts..
That crap enough for you? (and yes I know it's flowery rather than floury but meh..)
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Doughnuts aren't even covered in flour. Maybe you were thinking of something like a bagel?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Why did the baker have a brown penis?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
To make up for his lack of historical knowledge.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Because he was actually a black man.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Yeah, if he was of Indian descent, that would explain it.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
...you built a crane? and moved a house with it? or did you move the waste material with it? i dont understand. lets not get sucked down this browen penis cul de sac. i want to talk about the waste moving thing!
[ 20.09.2007, 09:31: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Or he could be a redskin. A goth redskin.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
lol browen.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
it doesn't really matter what colour the baker's penis is, as long as it's safely tucked away, and not touching things in the bakery.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I can't really remember the crane project that well. I think it was some kind of pivoty swivelly thing which picked up blocks and moved them from place to place. I don't think it was capable of moving houses or waste matereals. Unless they came in small block form.
I'm tempted to go up in the loft and dig out my old GCSE art stuff but I don't think it'd be that interesting to be honest.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I like the idea of a baker with a really long crooked penis, shaoed like a crane, lasooing doughnuts with a sticky jank string, like one of those plastic frogs with the stretchy rubber tongues. Do you remember them?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: I'm tempted to go up in the loft and dig out my old GCSE art stuff but I don't think it'd be that interesting to be honest.
I don’t recommend that – I encountered all my old stuff recently while my mum was moving house and it was way shitter than I remembered. Another memory despoiled....
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I think it's OK if the stuff you did ten or fifteen years ago is obviously rubbish. There's nothing more depressing than turning up something you did as a teenager and realising it's much better than anything you could do now.
[ 20.09.2007, 10:14: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I found my school reports a little while ago when I was housesitting for my parents. It was far worse than I remembered. I thought 'let's see how wrong they were' rather smugly to myself and later realised I was clearly a deluded and cocksure fool. I felt like crying. It's li9ke they had written a report on my life now.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I really hate it when I arrive and everyone goes all quiet. Like as if you're waiting for me to leave again.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Imagine if you had to have parent/ teacher evenings with your boss. That would be awful. Your boss calling your parents and you into the meeting room, and going over all the deadlines you'd missed, the wasted time on the internet, the awful drunken mishaps. I think that would be among my top ten worst nightmares. It would just be terrible.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Or your girlfriend. Imagine the Parents-Girlfriend evening where she goes through all the reasons why you aren't making her happy. From not paying her enough attention, being selfish in bed, playing computer games or forgetting her birthday. Imagine having to look over at your father while he gives you a 'just wait until you get home lad' face.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Or the Parents/Bank Manager meeting. Trying to justify why you've spent. Ouch.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Imagine ralph's girlfriend trying to do the impression to fully make his parents understand. Flaring her nostrils, bulging her eyes and then bursting into tears as Young Ralph looks down at the floor solemnly.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
What happened? Are you all imagining that or something?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I suppose that's what a drugs intervention thing must feel like. Your misdeeds being dredged up in front of everyone. It'd be terrible though, if it was for a life intervention, for debt, for being crap at work, for being a rubbish partner. Everyone feeling they had to step in, not because you were set on a self destructive spiral, but just because you were getting life wrong. Your parents and your friends and your bosses and your bank managers and loan managers all sitting round saying things like "... and sometimes I think you try too hard to be liked. It's really transparent and it makes us feel awkward," "I can't help but thing your purchases are frivolous and irresponsible given the amount of money," Your boss nodding as this view of your personal life confirmed his worst suspicions abotu you. Your parents silently drinking it all in saying things like, "... but presumably there's some things he gets right, that he still works with you?" and being greeted with a heavy sigh. "There's not a lot to be honest." God that would be terrible. Someone should do it as a reality TV show. Just sit some poor fucker in a circle and has everyone from every sphere of their life criticize them for weeks on end. If the guy hasn't killed himself by the end of the six-week run, then he wins a dishwasher.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I'm trying to get an e-briefing to work properly, but slide 9 doesn't seem to happen anymore. I've cleared my cache and renamed the slide to remove a "/" character that may have caused trouble. I've rebuilt the SCORM wrapper and deployed the course again, but while the frame appears, the content does not. What with this, and the onoging MIME / FLV issues on staging, I'm getting to that point where the frustration is making me itchy.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
panic over. It's working.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Parents' evening with your ISP.
Brrrr Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
lol! I was just saying 'this laptop is fucked, she must have hurled it down the stairs' whilst flapping about a broken field reps laptop. Then the person arrived to collect their broken laptop and I had to pretend I wasn't being scornful. -100 Brilliant Points.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Does anyone have a single most embarrasing moment at school where if they'd have died of shame right there on the spot, then it would have been a mercy killing?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I once wee'd myself in assembly
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
No... I did that!
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I also, horror of horrors, called my teacher Mum
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Though not at the same time, I hasten to add
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
oh just forget it.
[ 20.09.2007, 11:27: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
being forced to do football without any trousers/shorts on. That was pretty miserable. Not really embarrasing though I suppose. Beyond that.
[ 20.09.2007, 11:29: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Does anyone have a single most embarrasing moment at school where if they'd have died of shame right there on the spot, then it would have been a mercy killing?
At the height of the Casual boom I bought a moody Pierre Cardin jogging suit from Wembley Market. It was baggy, puffy, in a strange sort of waffly, two-tone baby blue and grey fabric. It was horrible. However, so utterly convinced was I by the genius of Italian menswear designers that I wore it to school on Monday morning... a strange thing happened... as I approached my friends they laughed, pointed and revved up for the mother of all piss-takes, upon reaching them I pointed to the Pierre Cardin logo... and the laughter stopped. I used the same tactic with other potential piss-takers, it worked. I kept a low-profile until I got home, stripped off the suit and binned it. I learned some very horrible truths about myself and my friends that day. I've been fighting to free myself from those horrible truths ever since. It was a turning point. Maybe not the single most embarassing moment, but potentally the single most embarassing moment.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
The first time I experienced boxer shorts, I wasn't aware they were meant to be underwear. With hindsight, it seems painfully cruel that my parents allowed me to wear them to school over the top of a pair of pants. It was pretty late in the day when I noticed a load of other kids pointing and sniggering. I was a sensitive lad and already I could feel the tears welling up. When I angrily enquired as to the source of their hilarity, Miles (one of my main antagonists) shouted "You're wearing ghostbuster boxer shorts! Over pants!" at which the whole class erupted into laughter. I stood for a moment, horrified as the information slowly processed itself in my mind. I then burst into tears and ran from the classroom and locked myself in the toilets for an hour.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: The first time I experienced boxer shorts, I wasn't aware they were meant to be underwear. With hindsight, it seems painfully cruel that my parents allowed me to wear them to school over the top of a pair of pants. It was pretty late in the day when I noticed a load of other kids pointing and sniggering. I was a sensitive lad and already I could feel the tears welling up. When I angrily enquired as to the source of their hilarity, Miles (one of my main antagonists) shouted "You're wearing ghostbuster boxer shorts! Over pants!" at which the whole class erupted into laughter. I stood for a moment, horrified as the information slowly processed itself in my mind. I then burst into tears and ran from the classroom and locked myself in the toilets for an hour.
lol
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
It was... character building..
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
my mum taught me to wear my knickers over my tights, so that your tights dont fall down. seems logical, i thought, even at the age of six. until the day when we all had to strip to our vest and knickers for games. but youve got to feel a burning murderous sensation of hatred towards your mother for the first time at some point, right? six is as good an age as any i reckon. like ringo says: character building.
[ 20.09.2007, 11:46: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: The first time I experienced boxer shorts, I wasn't aware they were meant to be underwear. With hindsight, it seems painfully cruel that my parents allowed me to wear them to school over the top of a pair of pants.
Oof. That's a bad one. I can't believe your parents didn't help you out there.
I'm trying to think of a most embarrassing moment, but I can't really place one because I was sort of... immune to that sort of thing. I never really noticed when I'd fucked up. I remember being, like, ten years old and on the school bus me some kids got me and my best friend Alice to touch each other's bits, and we were both roundly mocked for that, but I didn't really feel any sense of shame about it. She's a lesbian now, though, so it must have hit her pretty hard.
I'm sure there must be something. I'm getting a general sense of shame as I pass my mind over my pre-teen years so it must be coming from somewhere. Perhaps there's something so massive, so devastatingly humiliating that it's sending out psychic shockwaves strong enough to prevent me from remembering it.
[ 20.09.2007, 11:49: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
In secondary school, in one of my science lessons. I had a teacher and I can’t remember her name, but she was a proper old-school science teacher. White lab coat with the front pitted with holes from corrosive chemicals, thick functional glasses on a string around her neck and a shocking ginger afro. Anyway, in this lesson we were learning about electricity. Now I’m not good with electricity, I never have been and I never will be. I have a natural fear of it. So when she wheeled out a giant Van de Graaf generator, looming up on the desk with all the might and menace of a medieval torture device, I was understandable unnerved. Almost predictably, after watching a few of my peers clasp the gleaming orb of death, their hair standing on end, I was chosen by the teacher to come and have a go. I tried to squirm my way out of it, but there was no way I was going to say I was too frightened in front of all my classmates.
So up I stepped, onto the little rubber step, and put my hands upon the chrome globe of misery. The belt whirred into life ominously. I scanned the faces of my classmates nervously, trying to maintain my composure as my heart rate soared to about 200bpm. Those still interested enough to be paying attention laughed half heartedly at my hair. I could sense my ordeal was nearing an end, but the worst was yet to come. The belt slowed to a stop but the orb still needed to be discharged of its static energy. As the teacher brought the little earthing rod closer and closer, I could feel something welling up inside me. “Don’t let go until I say so”, she said. But it was all too much, I was overcome by terror. Classmates would later tell me I had literally screamed like a girl as I pulled my hands away with a loud CRACK and flash of static. All I can remember is finding myself standing in the corner of the room hunched over, with the teacher comfortingly asking if I was ok.
It was…. some time before I was allowed to live that one down
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
There are actually, when I think about it, literally hundreds of embarrassing moments from my school years. I remember I had a pair of boots, for instance, they were kind of like Dr Martens. I forget. Caterpillar maybe. Anyway, they had these metal hooks on the sides where the laces looped through, kind of like a bigger version of the ‘male’ bit on a bra fastener. Every now and then, as I was walking along, my feet would brush too close together and a hook on one boot would catch the lace on the other, instantly locking my feet together. This resulted in multiple trips to the floor before I thought to just flatten them with a pair of pliers. Including one time when walking across a particularly muddy piece of pathway between the two halls. That was certainly a long day.
There was another time, in art class. I used to get well angry with people and sort of lose the power of coherent speech. So when I wanted to really shout some kind of awesome insult, my mouth would stop working and something random would come out. I forget why this girl was winding me up, but she certainly had. I think she spilled my paint or something. In my momentary apoplexy, I shouted loud enough for the whole class to hear “Oh my god you’re such a fucking…. Nigger!”. This was greeted with a chorus of “ummmmm!” from the rest of the class, and a very stern talking to by the teacher on the subject of racial abuse. She wasn’t black, thank Christ.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Even though I kickstarted this beautiful outpour of underwear related highjinx, I can't think of outright humiliation. Just the threat of it was scary enough to avoid it at all costs. I would wear the most basic clothes I could, veering straight down the line between designer and the much dubbed 'gyppo togs'
However, the one time I felt utterly ashamed of myself was one bored sunny afternoon after watching an apisode of ballfest Degrassi Junior High. The plot of the said episode was centered around a gang called The Pirates who had racketeered the main characters car washing business, I tucked the bottom of my t-shirt through the collar, tugged tight and produced a Junior School rendition of Corey Haim doing speed balls in Club Tropicana. I started to mince menacingly around the playground, trying to press-gang members into my crew. We didn't have any car-washes to take over though, so we walked like uber-camp thugs over to two other kids and ordered them. Ordered them to be scared. When they refused to pay attention to us, we set upon them in a scuffle. I was crushed underneath a pile of wriggling bodies and afraid this pirate was going to drown in the murky depths decided to bite as much flesh as I could and hard. All I could hear was muffled shrieking. We were pulled apart by dinner ladies and sent to the head. By the time he actually came to tell us off we had forgotten what it was about.
I was mostly ashamed that I let Degrassi Junior High get the better of me.
Posted by missgolightly (Member # 34) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Van de Graaf generator
Those things are evil. When I was at school I remember the teacher turning it on it and I immediately got such a bad headache I had to leave the room. Ever since then I've known when a thunderstorm was coming because I get a headache, so I don't think electricity agrees with me.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I fainted during a film on childbirth in front of the whole year and did a wee in my pants to boot.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Not an embarrassing moment, more of a bewildering one.
1981. First year of middle school. Nine or ten years old. Run-up to Christmas. We're making Christmas cards.
(I might have told this story before, so stop me if it sounds familiar.)
That year my parents had received a card from some friends that, amusingly, had Joseph come running out of the stable to announce to the adoring shepherds that "It's a girl!"
I understood this joke. Jesus was a boy. It's funny to imagine him being a girl - turn it all on its head. It's a bit leftie, it's tongue in cheek, but no malice is meant.
So as we were drawing our cards I decided to take the joke and put a twist on it.
I drew mine so that Joseph came out of the stable and declared to the crowd: She's had an abortion!
My teacher, when she came round to see how we were getting on, was puzzled by mine and had to read it again. It seemed to deeply trouble her. In fact she didn't know what to do with me. In fact, she made me go out to another classroom to show it to another teacher, a friend of hers.
Knock knock. Come in. Yes? Miss said I should show you this. Oh? What is it? It's a Christmas card I made. Oh how lovely! Let me see. Oh. Oh! Why are you showing me this? What is this?
And so on. In the end I had to go and see the head of year about it, who also, I think, didn't quite know what to do with me, because he said he was going to have to think about it, and to come back to see him the next day after school.
The next day was the last day of term before Christmas. I played it quite cleverly, I think, and simply never went to see him the next day, school broke up, and everyone was able to forget about it - I mean, how (and indeed why) do you punish a nine-year-old kid for saying the Virgin Mary has had an abortion?
Anyway, it was never mentioned again - to everyone's relief, I think.
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
[sounded nice but a little wanky]. That's fkn hilarious. Um, in a sensitive and good way, obv.
[ 20.09.2007, 17:26: Message edited by: 69 Comeback Elvis ]
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
Wanky in a cuddly drunk way.
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
I'd forgotten how difficult this is.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Perhaps there's something so massive, so devastatingly humiliating that it's sending out psychic shockwaves strong enough to prevent me from remembering it.
I suspect I have a touch of that as well, seeing as I can't remember more than two events prior to the age of 16. One of them was in second grade. We all had to come up with an "invention", and mine was the Bucky Beaver Pencil Sharpener (bucky beaver being a nickname I gave to a buck-toothed classmate). Long story short; he cried, and I was labelled as the kid who didn't know how to get along with his classmates. Sure glad that didn't stick. Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
What sort of **** makes fun of someone with buck-teeth man?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
An anti-social loser. Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
At primary school they had an egg-decorating competition for Easter, or something. I failed to come up with a design until the last moment, as usual - in fact I failed to come up with a design at all, so I used cleverness instead. I presented an empty eggcup with a card in front of it that said "invisible egg". I thought it was great - inventive, creative, funny.
No one else did.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
You should have left a note saying the chicken had an abortion..
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
lol. that's funny because abortion is murder.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
If you had bothered to read the thread, Ralph, you'd understand the reference!
D-
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
Ralph's enthusiasm all too frequently surpasses his attention to detail. Too many times, his work has been sloppy, and it often fails to make use of the information that has been made available to him. As a consequence, I can only recommend that Ralph retakes this academic year, in order to demonstrate a willingness to grow and learn.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
lol. I got the reference. I read the post about the egg decorating. I just don't play well with the other children.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: lol. that's funny because abortion is murder.
lol. that's funny because it's ralph's decision what a woman does with her own body.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: I just don't play well with the other children.
Oh I do. I play with children very well indeed.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
What you mean sexually?
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
Bit sick isn't it?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by SilverGinger5:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: lol. that's funny because abortion is murder.
lol. that's funny because it's ralph's decision what a woman does with her own body.
what she does to her own body isn't the point SG5. it's what she's doing to the body inside of hers.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: I just don't play well with the other children.
Oh I do. I play with children very well indeed.
You may think this kind of joke is funny now, but I don't think you'll be laughing when Darryn shows it to your Mum on TMO Parents' Day
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: what she does to her own body isn't the point SG5. it's what she's doing to the body inside of hers.
It's just a collection of cells at the early stage. Anyone who isn't pro-choice is an idiot. Any man who thinks he can have an opinion on what should be entirely a woman's decision is an idiot.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Let's face it, Ralph's an idiot
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Well, I think that was proved by his design of a house without a garage and his trampoline instead of a swimming pool blunder.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Sheesh. I'm only joking. Just trying to start a simple debate and you guys go right to the 3rd grade name calling.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Ah, I see. It's like some people will start a light hearted Friday thread like "What are you doing this weekend" or "What are you wearing", so you've thrown out a nice easy to answer topic "Is abortion murder"?
That's certainly the way to roll into the weekend Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Shut up.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: You may think this kind of joke is funny now, but I don't think you'll be laughing when Darryn shows it to your Mum on TMO Parents' Day
GUH! Even contemplating for comedy effect the notion of of TMO Parent's Day is like recieving an ice cold dagger to the bowells.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
watching rugby/dozing
black linen shirt/bluejeans/timberlands
no
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: watching rugby/dozing
black linen shirt/bluejeans/timberlands
no
lol
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Although it's easy to arrive at the conclusion that an abortion is not murder, what's with this deal that murdering a child is some how more heinous than murdering a fully grown adult? If you rev up Nathan Bleak's outrage outrageometer, which uses the deeply scientific method of logging every single headline Nathan Bleak notices in the 2.1 seconds as he passes on the way through Didcot station on a weekday morning and scans the WHS Smith newstand for pictures of women in their underwear, then you start to notice that there's a sliding scale of outrage for murder that looks something like this.
(apologies if this graph is as overly scientific as my methodology)
Killing Girl Children - THIS IS VERY BAD Killing Boy Children - Also frowned upon, but not quite so bad. If you must kill a child, this is the one to go for esp if ugly. Killing Girl Teenager - Outrageous, and disusting. Overtakes Killing Boy Child if girl is intelligent and pretty. Killing Women - Disgusting Bully, but if you stop at one no-one really minds Killing Men - Largely indifferent unless he lives in a nice part of London Killing Teenage Boy - Vigilante Hero.
That's pretty a conclusive, and expertly assembled case (I've been taking tips from Barbelimp) and even if somehow you manage to pick fault in a study that's based entirely on what I notice during my miniscule engagement with UK events, I htink it's worth acknowleding that there is a sliding scale on murder. Whcih, er there probably shouldn't be.
Incisive stuff.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Imagine how much better that post would be if it was written by Jonesy, about something else entirely. Good eh?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Please don't leave me in here on my own.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I bought a hat. Just then. From ebay.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
a sex hat?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Im currently quite upset because rather then thinking Just over an hour until I can go home for the weekend! I am being forced by circumstance to think Just over two hours until I have to go to the pub with some people I used to work with, but mostly care very little about, and then maybe a few hours after that I can go home. Possibly a little drunk certainly pissed off, thus increasing the chance of me becoming beligerent and putting a dampner on the rest of the evening.
Would any other readers like to bitch and moan for a bit?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: a sex hat?
Im hoping so...
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
If by 'sex hat' you mean a hat which is so good that it renders the wearer irresistible to hott boys, but not if you mean ...something else...like maybe… a kind of helmet with a dildo attached to it…or…something…
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
can you make a picture of it come on the internet for us to look at please
your sex hat, that is
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quickly
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Sorry...I was talking about work..Im better now...
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'm currently in the midst of the kind of freak teenage hormone rush that I'm sure isn't supposed to affect men of almost 30. I hope it fades soon or I might have to hump the desk into pieces or stand naked on the roof of the office, wanking furiously at passing helicopters.
I really don't know what's with me at the moment, but I'm afraid the out-of-date fruit infusion I just drank has only served to exacerbate the situation.
[breasts]
Any advice greatly appreciated...
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Don't look at my sex-hat.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
That hat is such a turn-off. I wouldn't do you if you begged and all you were wearing was the hat.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
When I pressed "Add Reply" on that previous post, I was immediately greeted by the mildly arousing "buttocks clenched" message. Next thing to fill screen was pic of sexx-hatt
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
That is one very, very sexy hat.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Does anyone know if Jimmy Big Nuts is in Brighton? I'm sure I just passed him on my way home, but I was in the middle of listening to McFly "5 colours in her hair" and didn't feel I should shout "Oi Big Nuts" at a stranger.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Thanks ralf, thats nice.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Sorry. Would you prefer I lie instead?
Wow. That is one hott hat.
*wanks*
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I believe that we now have empirical proof that ralph is, indeed, 'odd'.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
or, to give his condition its medical description, 'stupid'.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Pffft. You're just reaching that conclusion?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Hey ralph, how's it going? Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: or, to give his condition its medical description, 'stupid'.
I resent that. If someone posts a pic of a hat, am I not allowed to comment frankly about my feelings toward it?
punches H1ppy in the testicles Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Look at his eyes. He's well out of it.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Hey ralph, how's it going?
Splendidly, thanks. How's things with you and yours?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
WAYW?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
looks like you'll be needing that helicopter flyby any time now, huh Misc?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Hey H1ppy... Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
[surry everyone]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I think you ought to take the problem in hand.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
[a nu lo]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
What happened to Misc?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
...into a cocked hat
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
How would you approach it H1ppy? If Misc was standing at your desk pointing unhappily at his tumescent wang? Would you take him twixt thumb and forefinger, and recoiling slightly, and peering down your nose through your glasses give him a sterile handjob? Would you clench the whole thing with your fist and vigourously pump, while actually concentrating on the papers on your desk, doing sums with your free hand? What would be your take on it?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
You'll note I actually said that he should take the problem in hand, not that I was offering to. However, having said that...I'm damned any way, however I respond. If I said I'd do what you said, I'm a bit of a joyless nothing. If I said I'd not help out at all, I'm a sexless prune. If I said I'd assist with enthusiasm, I'm a boardslut.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
How about you say you do it with a ralphcumface and slight, cocked smile?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
quirked eyebrow, curling lip
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Jeez Misgs, you could ovs aimed anywhere but me eyesg. A gug gug gug gug.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Okay, that's enough.
I'm off to read Barbelith in an attempt to deaden my libido. In the mean time, maybe N-Wad can tell his perma-rection story again.
Before I go, I feel compelled to tell you about Kellifer's German dentist who, during a discussion about the future of her wisdom teeth, was heard to say "Ve could offer you an extraction - ze final solution!"
[ 21.09.2007, 11:53: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
NO.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Oh, come on! I want a Mikee-boner-story!
Also, in other news, my friends are fucking useless. Several months ago, having polled my friends for definite interest, I bought 4 tickets to go see Ross Noble in stand-up this coming Monday. I informed aforesaid mates that the tickets were purchased, and asked them to put the date in their diaries so they wouldn't forget. I emailed round at lunchtime to confirm arrangements to meet, in case I don't see them at the weekend, only to find that two of the stupid bastards have double-booked themselves. Blokes are crap.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'm currently reading through every TMO thread that contains the word priapism.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
I still have my school reports, some from almost a quarter of a century ago. I don't know what is more terrifying - that I still have my school reports or that the oldest of them was written in 1984.
As well as the usual 'can try harder' comments, my favorites are:
'occasionally brilliant, frequently dismissive' 'this has been a term defined by Rick's laziness and procrastination'
I was also described as an 'enigma' by my English teacher, as was my best mate as I was to later find out.
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Does anyone have a single most embarrasing moment at school where if they'd have died of shame right there on the spot, then it would have been a mercy killing?
I once fell asleep during an English Lit. lesson and found myself being awakened by a barrage of paper balls accompanied by a chorus of laughs. I wanted to either run away or disappear under the table, but all I could offer was a tired, sheepish grin.
I don't think I ever lived that moment down - it was even mentioned at the last reunion... Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
You go to school reunions? Ew. Does anybody else go to reunions?
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Someone should invent school deunions, where everyone you went to school with has to say what their current address is and if any of them live or work within 50 miles of each other then they have to pull names out of a hat to decide which one resigns from their job and moves house immediately, taking only what they can carry on a small handcart. This would have to be policed by a third party to avoid any risk of personal contact.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by 69 Comeback Elvis: You go to school reunions? Ew. Does anybody else go to reunions?
I was cajoled into going along by a mate who just loves the old place. In order to feel a little more comfortable I had to cajole my best mate who was even more reticent than me.
It wasn't that bad, in the end. At least I got to show Nightowl around the darker areas of Hogwarts, and run up and down the stairs we had been banned from using back in the day. Again and again.
We also had plenty of zoiderr.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
By cajole you mean cane right?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
He means 'wank off'
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tilde: By cajole you mean cane right?
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: He means 'wank off'
Try and understand the timelines, people! The cajoling took place before we got there... After that, it was canings and soggy biscuits galore. Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
Has anyone actually witnessed a soggy biscuit competition? I'm sure it's just an urban myth.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tilde: I'm sure it's just an urban myth.
Yeah, just like donkey punching a cat.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tilde: Has anyone actually witnessed a soggy biscuit competition? I'm sure it's just an urban myth.
A guy I used to work with told me about the Wanking Tree at his (minor public) school. Participants were arranged up the branches of said tree in order of seniority, then they'd all start tugging away. The higher up the tree you were the less spunk you got on you. Salutory lesson...
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Bad time to get caught by the headmaster though, surely?
quote:
"Come down here at once!"
*Sound of sniggering filters down through branches*
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
That seems pretty unlikely. Why would you go up a tree to wank instead of somewhere more private, like a toilet or a bush? Why would everyone go up there at once? Also Black Mask's stupid story appears to rest on the conviction that a tree in real life is somehow the same as a diagram like a family tree where spunk, would trickle down onto each person, as opposed to the reality, which is that if you had a dozen people up a three dimensional tree, they could probably all wank without getting any on each other. Perhaps growing up in London has hampered his recognition of what a tree actually is.
More plausible explanations are that Black Mask's friend is a) having him on b) repeating a story he heard elsewhere and is as apocryphal as the soggy biscuit, or that he was explaining something else entirely and Black Mask didn't understand. Bear in mind that this man insisted that if the moon controlled the tides, then would continually pull the sea round the earth like a... like a child with a fucking comfort blanket and who couldn't do percentages even with a calculator.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
'Rainbow parties' were real though, weren't they?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Sadly I think they were just a media contrived moral panic.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
The 'Wanking Tree' is original Mask, I'll give you that.
Soggy biscuit was just as apocryphal as the stories of juniors being given golden showers in the shower block. Well, this sort of thing never happened in my day.
Wanking was something usually done in the confines of the toilet furthest from the teaching block, more than usually over a battered copy of Mayfair - and if you could get hold of a copy where you didn't have to separate the pages you were lucky.
Funnily enough, there was a mass clearout of the headmaster's old office during the last reunion, and a massive pile of confiscated 1970s grot was unearthed. Some of them are probably worth a bit now - the ones with unstuck pages, at least.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Wanking was something usually done in the confines of the toilet furthest from the teaching block, more than usually over a battered copy of Mayfair
lol, 'zif. I'll bet your school was all "grip the cock to your right in a big circle boys, Jensen's just been sent a packet of Carrs from his Pater"
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Sadly I think they were just a media contrived moral panic.
Say it ain't so...
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: lol, 'zif. I'll bet your school was all "grip the cock to your right in a big circle boys, Jensen's just been sent a packet of Carrs from his Pater"
Even if we did engage in such rituals, we would have used plain old digestives. Great with an extra salty topping - allegedly.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
*gags Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Say it ain't so...
My favourite thing about the whole Rainbow Party thing is how structured it would have to be. It's like a teen orgy seen through the prism of an addiction to project management. The idea that if teens were to have rampant sex orgies it wouldn't just be a mad pile on, but a carefully structured event with different coloured lipsticks assigned to competitors so that - according to Oprah - the performance of each candidate can be clearly assessed and the top performer easily identified.
I mean... jeez. Doesn't that sound like exactly the kind of structure and discipline that teens would get off on?
[ 25.09.2007, 10:43: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I thought a Rainbow Party was having sex with puppets. With an interlude of a picture that draws itself to some monged sound effects.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
No, it refers to a scare that swept America a few years back when Oprah held a special about 'Is your child leading a double life?' and revealing that rich, sexually promiscuous teens were campaigning against the treatment of ethnic-minority oriented political parties in Greece. Apparently a bunch of kids were seeking to draw attention to the plight of former refugees by painting them with lipstick and sucking them off. Something like that, anyway.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Actually, further reading suggests that Greek politics is in a right fucking mess. No wonder parents in America got so upset.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: *gags
You've got to admire the wordplay of Snorton here though...
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Even if we did engage in such rituals
But we didn't right, we just didn't. because we were immune to gay and kissed girls ALL THE TIME.
we would have used plain old digestives
Because we're so earthy.
Great with an extra salty topping
OMG! I can't believe it, that sly dog he really did …he really did it!...
..allegedly.
Ooooh. The kicker.
[ 25.09.2007, 10:56: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Looks like it boils down to the socialists versus the liberals. Sounds like SamuelNorton's worst nightmare.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:What Did You Say? Michelle says that one of the reasons parents don't know what's going on with their teens is because teen slang is constantly evolving, and it's hard to keep up with their language. Here are a few new terms Michelle discovered.
Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
Rainbow Parties: Oral sex parties. Girls put on different-colored lipstick and each puts her mouth around the penis of a boy who is there to receive favors.
Pretty Boy: A sexually active boy; a player.
Dirty: A girl who has an STD; a diseased girl.
High Five: A person who is HIV positive (High V).
Booty Call: An early morning or late night call that involves no relationship or emotional attachment.
Hoovering: An abortion.
Outercourse: Oral sex.
Thanks Oprah!
I'm a bit disappointed. As a teen, I imagined that such parties were a regular occurance, countrywide, like a sexually charged alternative to the school disco. I thought I must've missed the invitations.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
* Oprah's got Message Boards! * Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
field trip?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Whereas I felt the LSS forum was begging to be ridiculed, I don't think I've got the stomach to troll Oprah's message boards.
quote:I'm really sorry about your children too. I lost mine in 1981 in a fire. Jeremy was 4 and Stephanie was 18 months. People say it get easier as time passes, but it doesn't. My daughter's birthday was Sept. 20, she would have been 28. I try to bake a cake on their birthdays. I still have really hard times. I never had anymore children. I sometimes feel so empty.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
heh. thorns getting soft in his old age...
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
It'd be rude not to...
Right, I'm in. I reckon the Tragedies board looks like a good place to start.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: That seems pretty unlikely. Why would you go up a tree to wank instead of somewhere more private, like a toilet or a bush? Why would everyone go up there at once? Also Black Mask's stupid story appears to rest on the conviction that a tree in real life is somehow the same as a diagram like a family tree where spunk, would trickle down onto each person, as opposed to the reality, which is that if you had a dozen people up a three dimensional tree, they could probably all wank without getting any on each other.
Obviously, they were up the tree becasue they wanted to spunk on each other. It's a toff's hierarchy thing. And if it was something like a cedar tree you could easily get dozens of kids up there and they'd be actively trying to spunk on those below rather than just casually wanking. Oh, look, there's Perkins. Little oik, I'll cum on his head. Why are you being so deliberately obtuse? It's embarassing.
Plus, there's definitely more to tides than moon-control. If the moon exerts such a vast amount of drag why don't oceans rise up in a sort of bell-jar shape when the moon is directly over them? Eh? And if the moon has this magnet-like power over water why don't smaller amounts of water act similarly? Why don't the contents of every glass, bath and pond in the world just float off into space? You dopey fucking spazz!
[ 25.09.2007, 11:22: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:What Did You Say? Michelle says that one of the reasons parents don't know what's going on with their teens is because teen slang is constantly evolving, and it's hard to keep up with their language. Here are a few new terms Michelle discovered.
Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
Rainbow Parties: Oral sex parties. Girls put on different-colored lipstick and each puts her mouth around the penis of a boy who is there to receive favors.
Pretty Boy: A sexually active boy; a player.
Dirty: A girl who has an STD; a diseased girl.
High Five: A person who is HIV positive (High V).
Booty Call: An early morning or late night call that involves no relationship or emotional attachment.
Hoovering: An abortion.
Outercourse: Oral sex.
Thanks Oprah!
I'm a bit disappointed. As a teen, I imagined that such parties were a regular occurance, countrywide, like a sexually charged alternative to the school disco. I thought I must've missed the invitations.
So different to my day.... Teen slang from my experience:
Nicola's a slag: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's a slut: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's got a battery acid fanny: something to do with oral sex
Done it up dog shit alley: getting off with someone up an alley reknowned for being littered with dogshit
Johnny: condom
Spunked up: male orgasm
Blood all over me knob: taking a girls virginity
Rough wank: a poorly executed hand job
fingered her: getting a finger inside a vagina
Kit Kat: Allegedy getting four fingers inside a vagina
Cranking one out: masturbation
banging one out: masturbation
whacking one out: masturbation
Paul's got a cheesy knob: Paul's got a cheesy knob
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
WTF ?
Ass or Mouth ? One or the other
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Obviously, they were up the tree becasue they wanted to spunk on each other. It's a toff's hierarchy thing. And if it was something like a cedar tree you could easily get dozens of kids up there and they'd be actively trying to spunk on those below rather than just casually wanking. Oh, look, there's Perkins. Little oik, I'll cum on his head. Why are you being so deliberately obtuse? It's embarassing.
Why would Perkins sit in the tree if he was going to get spunked on? It doesn't make any sense. None of it makes sense. It's like watching Brass Eye, only done by someone who really believes that "they" do these things.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Why would Perkins sit in the tree if he was going to get spunked on? It doesn't make any sense. None of it makes sense. It's like watching Brass Eye, only done by someone who really believes that "they" do these things.
Like Mask said, it's a hierarchy thing. He at the top of the tree may ejaculate over anyone below him, whereas those below may get jizzed on, but may also squirt one out over those beneath them.
It's a bit like that sketch with Cleese, Corbett and Barker, if you replace "look down on" with "spunk on", sort of.
[ 25.09.2007, 11:38: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tilde: So different to my day.... Teen slang from my experience:
Nicola's a slag: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's a slut: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's got a battery acid fanny: something to do with oral sex
Done it up dog shit alley: getting off with someone up an alley reknowned for being littered with dogshit
Johnny: condom
Spunked up: male orgasm
Blood all over me knob: taking a girls virginity
Rough wank: a poorly executed hand job
fingered her: getting a finger inside a vagina
Kit Kat: Allegedy getting four fingers inside a vagina
Cranking one out: masturbation
banging one out: masturbation
whacking one out: masturbation
Paul's got a cheesy knob: Paul's got a cheesy knob
German homework: Being urinated on by an elderly lesbian
Extra DT: Wanking off a middle-aged man
Seeing the headmaster: Anal rape
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
WTF ?
Ass or Mouth ? One or the other
That would be licking someones rusty sheriff's badge
Allegedly
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
Tossing salad is licking someone's arse? We have a guy in work who tosses salad all day. Do dogs toss their own salad?
In my school we had these:
Wanking Snogging Lucky
I like the idea of a wanky tree but I'm worried about the practicalities of it. It would be like the opening of Ong Bak with hard-ons. How many people fell from the wanky tree? How do you explain that to matron? "It's Rupert, miss, he fell over." "B-but he's all trousers down and emboldened. Where did you find him again, Pelham-Chiswick?" Plus: parents.
You'd be a pretty stupid parent not to spot semen stains on your kids blazer. Especially around the collar. It's one of the things we look out for. Like cock breath. And what happens in winter?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
What happens to cock breath in winter? Is that what you want to know? Well, I suppose it becomes a fertile, wriggling cloud of vapour, sailing through the air on a floaty egg hunt. The odds are stacked against the airborne tadpole division settling on an accommodating box of womb, due to the mouth-level release point and the fact, as we all know, that spunk rises and womb height is below mouth height under ordinary outdoor winter conditions. More likely, the traveling cloud of cock breath vapour would become caught under the chin of a very tall person, where it would turn to a laminated jelly with many facets. And kids would beam laser pens up at the jelly diamond and laugh as the fractured light raced off in different directions. Like watching a sweaty Uncle Jean Michelle Jarre perform from the lap of the great man himself. And all the time the kids would be oblivious to the truth: that they filtered light through the dead sperm of a stranger - the sticky build up of potential friends and relatives, cousins or schoolboys, killers or heroes, boys or girls, almost-someones, snatched from life by a greedy mouth at the moment of almostdom, incubated in the cheeks of a cum guzzler then given a second chance in the cold crisp winter air and the power of flight by Jack Frost - cloudbourne by the millions - like cattle-class Monkey - and then cruelly suffocated against the jaw line of a High and Mighty account holder.
And the big guy with the sticky chin? Well, he doesn't know this is going on down there…and the kids don't understand what is going on up there… and the cock breath...it's just dead. Dead, slowly setting and solidifying until it's mashed in with electric blue product and sliced clean, the best a man can get.
That's what I reckon happens to cock breath in winter. How about you Elvis?
Hello Elvis.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
"What do you think powers my sleigh? Ho-ho-ho!"
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
Hello Jonesy! Congratulations on the little fellas.
Not cock breath in winter – little foggy spermatazoa in the chill air – the wanky tree and the wankers therein. In the full fettle of spring, with the sap rising, I can imagine the tree being a pleasant sort of background to base humiliation. The smell of leaves and a gentle rustling offering small escape before the cocksnot spatter. But in winter...? They'd be like rooks huddled against the lowering sky. Wanking. And, more importantly, spotted a mile off. So what happens to the wanky tree wankers in winter? Or is the wanky tree that word that means year-round foliage?
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