How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
He can't, as I already told you he's got no nose.
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
He can't, as I already told you he's got no nose.
I'm afraid your joke is biologically innacurate. Without a nose you'd still be able to smell as the receptor neurons are behind your face and the nose just provides nostrils which act as a funnel to bring air (and thus the smell) closer to the neurons.
So, the real joke would be along these lines.
My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Not quite as well as he used to before H1ppychick cut his nose off but he's learning to cope thanks.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Has anyone had any snow, yet, then?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
you might find aspirin in the jungle, because it's derived from the bark of willow trees. I don't know if willow grows in any jungles, but, you know.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Has anyone had any snow, yet, then?
almost 24" last week...thanks for asking!
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
It's snowing and being sunny at the same time, here, Louche.
Ralph, that's quite a lot of snow. You should build an igloo or something.
Or! I know. Use the swimming pool as an ice rink.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Use the swimming pool as an ice rink.
Worst trampoline ever.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Perhaps. But seeing one of these on the woodpile on Saturday made up for it. I didn't even realize they were in our region...
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Did you say
"I'm keeping the mink. Is that wrong?"
when you saw it? I know I would.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
You can't keep wild animals. But the two of us did play together for a few minutes. He would duck behind the wood, then slowly stand up and see if I was still there. He's my new favorite animal..
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Are there any ewoks living near your house, Ralph?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Are there any ewoks living near your house, Ralph?
Actually over in the U S of all of the A's in the world, we have Wookies. There's so many it's like walking on carpert....OUTSIDE. Last year, the kids planted an Ewok tree, so we can just pick one off and eat it......right off of the tree. Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I don’t have a joke…sorry…but can any of you think of a fancy dress outfit for which the theme is ‘The Seven Deadly Sins’ :rolls eyes:
Ideally it should be cheap/easy, something I already have, and hot.
Amusing anecdotes about fancy dress parties are also welcome!
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
go as a sloth?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Wear a dress with a flap of flesh coloured fabric on each side and a strip of darker pink material underneath the middle section. Optionally, top it off with a curly wig.
Say you thought it was supposed to be a fanny dress party.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Q. What do you call a snail which lives inside the funnel of a green and red container ship which regularly travels between Milford Haven and Dubai?
A. A snail.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
LOL!
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Henvy Wrath Sloth Pride Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: go as a sloth?
I had thought about that... Depends if the charity shop has a suitable furry coat. Though it may be the wrong kind of hot.
Stupid fancy dress parties! Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
You could paint yourself green
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Ah, but imagine if someone else at the party had had the same idea, but had painted themselves a much better shade of green, and you wished that you'd chosen that tone instead.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Yeah, and imagine that the girl who's birthday it is painted herself green at another party not so long ago.
Posted by squirrelandgman (Member # 201) on :
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by squirrelandgman: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they smell.
Lol!
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Has there been another earthquake? Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Aha ha. No. I'm just so good you felt the earth move from READING.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
It's just us mate. This is the end.
Hold me.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
It's okay, there's always B3ta.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Im here. I just flpped through an old Metro while eating my breakfast (reading out of date Metros...what have I become?)...and there was an article about a dog called Cindy who could balance a beer mat, topped with an opened yogurt pot on each of her paws. Apparently she goes into a 'canine trance' while performing her amazing feats of balance.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Pah!
Take it from me, there's no such thing as a 'trance', it's a myth. You can be in a really inward state, like when you're going to sleep, or a really outward state, like when you're trying to cross the road, and anywhere in between, but there isn't a special state called a 'trance'. It's just a peculiar name for being really inward.
The dog's faking it until its owners trust it enough to put a huge steak on those mats or something.
Or chocolate. Come to think of it, maybe the dog's planning suicide.
P.S. Can it do what those Zen monks do and take a spoonful of mercury on its tongue? Now that would be impressive.
Trance indeed.
[ 04.03.2008, 06:50: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Hmm. I can see Im going to have to up the ante on my performing animal stories...
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Yeah. Now... Can you get a chihuahua to fart the National Anthem?
Any country you like.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: Take it from me, there's no such thing as a 'trance', it's a myth. You can be in a really inward state, like when you're going to sleep, or a really outward state, like when you're trying to cross the road, and anywhere in between, but there isn't a special state called a 'trance'. It's just a peculiar name for being really inward.
What on Earth is that statement supposed to mean?
That's like saying that there's no such thing as 'frozen', it's a myth. You can be in a really cold state, like when you swim in the sea in November, or a really warm state, like when you sunbathe on the beach in August, but there isn't a special state called 'frozen'. It's just a peculiar name for being really cold.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
In today's Metro there is an owl that rides a bicycle?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I really like Lickapaw's reasoning though. "Trust me, I've got fucking off my swaff I have. Never tranced. Not once. Listened to loads of that 'Trance' music too. Load of bollocks it is. Trance indeed" Jealousy is what it is. Cindy is all Lick a paw? I can balance the entire fucking munch-bunch on my paws, I can. Outdone by a dog. Embarrassing.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'm going to follow Abby around, illustrating her posts for most of today.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Cue Abby starting a thread about 2girls1cup, and me getting fired.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Hello?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
alright
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: Can it do what those Zen monks do and take a spoonful of mercury on its tongue? Now that would be impressive.
Trance indeed.
I would love to be in the holistic healing market so that I could exploit this by selling capsules filled with mercury for that zen feeling. Brand extensions would of course include lead pellets sold as dietary supplements, and for the trendier consumer, the mercury mohito.
Who knew there was such a fine line between enlightenment and mercury poisoning?
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Dang - I mean that people often think of trance as a distinct 'special state', when in fact it's nothing but part of a spectrum.
To use your analogy of frozen water, it's like assuming that ice is some sort of 'special substance' of its own. And that, of course, wouldn't be right, as it's only very cold water. That's all.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Can you find a picture of the man who made a special squirrel feeding hat, and then got whiplash when squirrels leapt onto his head from a great height? I like that man.
I have to go and have a meeting now so you have a little while.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: To use your analogy of frozen water, it's like assuming that ice is some sort of 'special substance' of its own. And that, of course, wouldn't be right, as it's only very cold water. That's all.
B...but Lickapaw water and ice are different. One is a liquid, whilst the other a solid. They actually have very different properties.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Still the same substance, though. Different properties yes, but same substance.
What I'm saying and, what I belatedly realise I would find very difficult to found without trawling for quite some time through the internet to find somebody's statement to say so, is that the 'trance' state touted by hypnotists is often thought to be a state of its own, different to sleepiness, simple relaxation etc. The state in which someone can click their fingers and tell you to act like a chicken, to use a hammed-up example.
[ 04.03.2008, 09:35: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Well yes but just because something is made of the same substance doesn't mean they are remotely similar. I mean, glass is 'very hot sand' but I wouldn't make toddlers play in a pit full of broken old San Miguel bottles. I mean, by your thinking I am quite like a pencil, because it is made of Carbon. Have you forgotten ice forms mountains? Have you ever leapt off a diving board into 7' of ice? They are...you know, very different.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Look dude, you're jealous of a dog.
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
quote:I mean, glass is 'very hot sand' but I wouldn't make toddlers play in a pit full of broken old San Miguel bottles.
You're missing out. It's one of the most entertaining ways to spend a weekend.
Edit -> UBBuggered
[ 04.03.2008, 09:43: Message edited by: Cherry In Hove ]
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Well yes but just because something is made of the same substance doesn't mean they are remotely similar. I mean, glass is 'very hot sand' but I wouldn't make toddlers play in a pit full of broken old San Miguel bottles. I mean, by your thinking I am quite like a pencil, because it is made of Carbon. Have you forgotten ice forms mountains? ... They are...you know, very different.
I take your point, but how different, when you really think about it, is a trance state from, say, being half asleep? To being asleep?
quote: Have you ever leapt off a diving board into 7' of ice?
Oh, come on, neither have you.
Bet ralph has, though *snigger*
[ 04.03.2008, 09:48: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: Bet ralph has, though *snigger*
You lose that bet. I can't swim, so I've never leapt off a diving board into any substance.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: I can't swim
Is that because everything's always frozen where you are?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Can you find a picture of the man who made a special squirrel feeding hat, and then got whiplash when squirrels leapt onto his head from a great height? I like that man.
His name is Mike Madden. He looks a bit like Will Self in that picture.
Bonus Feature Here's an artist's impression:
[ 04.03.2008, 10:09: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Abby's going to be so pleased with us!
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: Is that because everything's always frozen where you are?
No. I have an irrational fear of water.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
But how do you know that? Everything's always frozen where you are.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: No. I have an irrational fear of water.
That'll be the rabies. Maybe the house Ralph has built is actually half a foot tall and he catches squirrels in it when worn on his head.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
That's juts not true. We have four seasons just like you do. Granted, my winter tends to drag on longer than yours, but still.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: No. I have an irrational fear of water.
That'll be the rabies. Maybe the house Ralph has built is actually half a foot tall and he catches squirrels in it when worn on his head.
I think my fear stems from an incident when I was a child. Almost drowning can have that affect on a person...
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
How do you feel when presented with ice?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Fine. It's not like ice and water are the same thing!
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: I think my fear stems from an incident when I was a child. Almost drowning can have that affect on a person...
[BlackMask] If only daddy had held you under for another minute or two... [/BlackMask]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Fine. It's not like ice and water are the same thing!
Yay! One of us is paying attention.
Ralph, yesterday.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: [BlackMask] If only daddy had held you under for another minute or two... [/BlackMask]
Well done. It's almost like he's here among us...
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Well done. It's almost like he's here among us...
It's a sad comment on TMO's thinning ranks, isn't it?
Ultimately, TMO will consist solely of me playing the roles of all the forumites, but still hitting refresh every five seconds just in case...
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
How do you feel when presented with a tumbler of ice, and someone says "Scotch or rye?"
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
So tell us. What did you do with him, ralph? Chainsaws? 20ft deep hole? Rabid squirrels?
ralph, did you nipple-torture BM to death?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: ralph, did you nipple-torture BM to death?
Cuddled to death, I reckon. Ralph would kill with love.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I've never heard of this monks/mercury thing. You know you can't actually digest mercury, right? One of the safest things you can do with mercury in its elemental form is ingest it. Other than, y'know, just leave it alone, like.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I am happy!
Do you think the squirrel hat cartoon is too complicated for a picture tag?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Cuddled to death, I reckon. Ralph would kill with love.
heh. It's true. Of course that would be after I nearly bored him to death with 20,000 pictures of my wife and kids.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I think it is. And his face is a bit ugly to want to look at all the time.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I think you should have your sex hat as a tag, Abby. But that's just me.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I think I get to choose actually. I own that tag, officially.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
How about a sex hat like Choda Boy?
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2: ralph, did you nipple-torture BM to death?
Cuddled to death, I reckon. Ralph would kill with love.
Does he have a poisonous beard, then?
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
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