On the subject of children, I am being put in charge of TWO this weekend. One is 3 and the other about 18 months. My girlfriend is going to be there too, natch (obviously there's no way I'd have arranged this insane adventure myself), but nobody else - only us and childes: no parents, no grand parents, no Super Nanny on talkback.
We have them from Friday to Sunday night and I'm hoping it will make said girlfriend think twice about becoming with gaybie anytime in the near future.
I knocked a plant over and broke it to death this morning, so I'm quite concerned about killing one or both of someone else's kids. Hopefully this won't happen.
So, apart from going to the pub to watch the Liverpool Everton game, what should I do to entertain these creatures over the weekend?
Helpful and uniquely–TMO style suggestions welcomed.
posted
the older one can be sent out to clean chimneys, and the younger one can be safely kept under a laundry basket with a heavy weight on top of it. just make sure you leave it on a wipe-clean surface.
then - hey presto! you can get on with drinking booze and giving it to your missus!
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Octavia
I hate Valentine's Day. Stupid commercialised crap
posted
Good Christ you've agreed to take possession of two under-4s for 48 hours? That's deeply frightening. I used to be a nanny, and I wouldn't do it. Not unless I was being paid handsomely, and possibly not then. Not even if I was related to them.
Invest in some crayons (paints too messy), lots of cheap paper. Playdough is good, videos may mean you get half an hour's peace occasionally.
DO NOT feed them chocolate, sweets or sugar of any description.
Get their mother to leave behind a sweater or something that smells of her. When they wake at 2 in the morning screaming for her, it'll help, trust me.
Also. You know there are going to be nappies involved, right?
I can't quite believe you're doing this to yourself. Is this actually a joke?
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posted
These are not your kids, so disregard any dietary requirements the parents might mention that aren't actually life-threatening. You'll want lots of chocolate. Bags of Cadbury's buttons are good. You'll be using these as bribes and pacifiers. Don't fling them about willy-nilly or they'll lose their value. Don't go for any chewy or brightly coloured sweets, they'll fuck up your upholstery and could send the kids mental. You'll want lots of juice, too. Steer away from fizzy drinks for the same reasons as the bright candy.
Don't give the little fuckers any options. Remember, "Choice Is The Enemy Of Harmony". You decide where you're going and what you're going to do when you get there. Brook no arguments.
Don't worry too much about crying, should it occur. Let them bawl their little arses off. They never keep it up for that long, if you ignore them. The worst that can happen is that they pass out, and if they do... well, everyone's a winner. As soon as they knock it off, give them some chocolate. Positive reinforcement.
The weather isn't too foul so the zoo is a piece of piss, if a little expensive. There are good playgrounds at Coram Fields and Battersea Park. Don't go to the Diana Memorial playground at Kensington Gardens, it's full of wretched little mini-***** and their braying, broker parents.
If you have to feed them take them to McDonald's, and just don't tell their parents. Or get a carry-out and take the wrappers off and serve them at home. All of Mickey-D's foodstuffs are 82% unrefined cane sugar, so kids hoover them up.
Keep them moving all weekend. Swimming's good. You want them exhausted and thinking only about bed by late afternoon. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LET THEM NAP DURING THE DAY.
Good luck and take care.
[ 16.03.2005, 12:24: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
quote:Originally posted by Octavia: Also. You know there are going to be nappies involved, right?
Right.
quote: I can't quite believe you're doing this to yourself. Is this actually a joke?
Unfortunately not. We are being taken advantage of. Kirsty has offered to babysit on several occasions and the parents have finally called her bluff and said yes. Then they added: "We've booked a long weekend in Barcelona. Do you want to stay at our house or take the kids to your place?"
posted
Black Musk's suggestions are all good, except we will be in Colchester, destroying the Dad's Bang & Olufsen system, so all London excursions are off the menu.
Does a little brandy in their milk still work?
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posted
hire someone to watch them for you take your gf away for the weekend return an hour before the parents pay off the sitter give munchkins a toy/material object everyones happy, you look like a great guy nuff said
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How do these things keep coming back into fashion? Is the plastic tubing marketing board sending midget Scoubidoo agents out to playgrounds and schoolyards every couple of years to keep the trend alive? I just paid £1.69 for a small bag of plastic string, it would be impossible to accurately calculate just how little the raw materials are really worth.
posted
Parents and professional childcarers don't want kids to have chocolate and sweets. You, on theother hand, just want to see the weekend out and have the kids think you're great. In my experience chocolate won't make kids go nuts. Sweets with colourings, flavourings, additives, citric acid, etc. will. The absolute worst are Kellogs Fruit Winders, they're like Angel Dust for toddlers.
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Black Musk's suggestions are all good, except we will be in Colchester, destroying the Dad's Bang & Olufsen system, so all London excursions are off the menu.
Does a little brandy in their milk still work?
Colchester has a zoo. It also has one of those ball park thingies children love somewhere even tho your 2 might be too young.
oh yeah, and I'm with Octavia - what the hell were you thinking?
posted
Excellent! Chocolate and zoo it is. The 3 year old is a star. Apparently, the younger one is a mobile nightmare in pampers.
quote: what the hell were you thinking?
I wasn't thinking.
Remember those threads, back in the day when we we all just wurdz on sceenz, the ones called "How would we know if Bandy died during the weekend?" and things like that?
Well, if I don't post after Monday, I'm on the run or dead.
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Don't worry too much about crying, should it occur. Let them bawl their little arses off.
A question for TMO breeders. At what age does hominid spawn stop crying? I have now spent 13 nights in our flat and have been woken up by the shitty baby next door at least once on every single one of them. My ears are aching from having earplugs rammed into them. For a bit of variety in the pitch and timbre of screeching, a shitty toddler has now moved into the other flat, turning our home into a surround-sound screamathon.
Also, on what evidence do social services actually remove children from their parents? I'm assuming that sadly it takes a bit more than an anonymous phone call saying I fear for their safety.
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Octavia
I hate Valentine's Day. Stupid commercialised crap
posted
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: How do these things keep coming back into fashion?
There are weird pre-frontal lobe things going on with children. They pick up games and stuff that were played aeons ago, from somewhere out of the ether. Even if something's been 'out' so long that a whole generation of schoolkids misses it, it can come back from somewhere. French skipping, anyone?
Louche
Carved TMO on her clit just to make you feel bad
posted
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Also, on what evidence do social services actually remove children from their parents? I'm assuming that sadly it takes a bit more than an anonymous phone call saying I fear for their safety.
In Middlesex they tend to wait until they're dead in the bath. Might be better where you are, though. I mean, it's in the nature of social services to learn from fuck ups, innit.
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posted
I'm in the flat right now and it's silent on both sides, which seems to confirm what I thought all along: that the baby screams are actually in VP's head.
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posted
You've heard both of them, you lying shit. The toddler's probably been dragged out on the school run with the older kid, and the baby might have died.
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posted
Davis, I'll knock on your door tonight at stupid a.m. and invite you in to listen to the noise.
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: At what age does hominid spawn stop crying?
Neither of mine cried really, well not as babies. Beckett made a wee bit of fuss when his teeth started coming through but that's why Clapol exists.
They cry more during the 'don't wanna go sleep' or 'leave the light on' phase start somewhen around two. That's a one hell of a spicy meatball and can go on for hours (I remember Summer one night decided she wanted her 'Mummy' when 'Mummy' was out at a party and she screamed the house down from 9.00pm Saturday night till 5.30am Sunday morning.
How old do you think the spawn creature is Veeps ?
-------------------- my own brother a god dam shit sucking vampire!!! you wait till mum finds out buddy!
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: How old do you think the spawn creature is Veeps ?
Dunno, not sure how you can tell from volume/vehemence/timing of audio output. It seems to cry briefly but loudly when it wakes up during the night. It's hushed reasonably quickly, but I'm jolted awake due to the rice-paper walls, and my sleep patterns are all fucked.
The kid on the other side is at the running round screeching at everything stage, while his mother yells back at him. At least, I'm assuming it's a human child. They could be experimenting on monkeys or something.
Still, we can understand why they wanted to move in, it's the ideal situation for a young family. On the top floor with the lift only going up to the one below, so handy for the pushchair. Then there's the lovely laminate flooring, the slippery hardness being the perfect surface for a child learning to walk. Nevermind the lack of garden, the large dangerous balcony must offer the parent wonderful peace of mind. FUCKING MORONS.
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Don't give them chocolate or ribenna until at least 15 minutes before the parents are due back - then give them Gold and Black coffee chocolate, chocolate liquors, and undiluted Ribenna - shake them up and hand them back.
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Don't give them chocolate or ribenna until at least 15 minutes before the parents are due back - then give them Gold and Black coffee chocolate, chocolate liquors, and undiluted Ribenna - shake them up and hand them back.
That's how you make scoubidous, is it? Thanks for the tip.
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Right.
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Who to trust - the former nanny or professional troll? 
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