BHM is almost upon us again. I want TMO to catalogue the duskier bredren who have improved our lives.
PALE FIST
Stuart Hall
Marxist media commentator, thank you for Policing the Crisis and for your infectious laughter on It's A Knockout!
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Also from a more recent issue of TheOnion - *bad news for Squeegy.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Kenny Lynch
Kenny and his wonderful Jazzmen. Thanking you for Strangers on a Shore. Keep playing that liquorice stick, Kenny!
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
PUDDING
Black pudding is a sausage made by cooking down the blood of an animal with meat, fat or filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled.
In the West, pig or cattle blood is most often used, sheep and goat blood are used to a lesser extent, and blood from poultry is very seldom used.
A legend attributes the invention of blood sausage to an absinthe-induced bet between two drunken Bavarian butchers during the 14th century. This is unlikely, as absinthe was not developed until the 18th century. In fact, there are ancient references to sausages made with blood, e.g. from Homer's Odyssey.
What a hero and well worth celebration !
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Black Racer With your skis and your medieval armour... what the fuck was Kirby on? You rock in so many ways, you crazy, ultra-dimensional angel of death, you.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Muhammad & Malvo With a name like a vaudeville comedy team, this duo kept the cops on their toes with their crazy tarot-card, laid-out-flat-in-the-back-of-the-trunk sniping antics. Way to go guys! Who says all serial killers are white?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
After the Pixies' split, frontman and main songwriter Black Francis launched a less successful solo career as Frank Black before reforming the Pixies in 2004.
...changed face of modern music, blah, blah, Nirvana, blah, blah, influenced, blah, blah P.J.Harvey, blah, blah, Radiohead, etc...
He wrote Bone Machine, Debaser, Gouge Away, I Bleed and many more.
Posted by Kanye West (Member # 837) on :
I think that The Game has improved our lives.
Posted by Kanye West (Member # 837) on :
But, perhaps even more important than The Game was Jack Johnson
One of the first African Amercians to stand up against the blue eyed devil. Forty years before King, this brother was challenging the way in which black folks fitted into white American society. You can trace the modern black civil rights movement to the boxers of the early twentieth century.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
The practice of removing the hair from the upper lip of slaves was to demoralise and humiliate the victim, making sure that without the facility to lead and inspire men, the slave would be submissive and weary of heart.
At the turn of the century of the 1800s, at a nameless cheese farm in Mississippi, one Zanzibaba Ndluchunkskrin at only 14 years of age have developed a small patch of hair growth on the left side of his upper lip and whipped up a frenzy of machismo and posturing in the slave quarters. The uprising turned nasty and when Zanzibaba was asked to return to his quarters after a double shift of brie polishing and refused. Several men also joined in his anarchic stance and the farmer was left with no choice but to show who was in control and the price was in blood. Zanzibaba was cut severely with a razor but was mercifully spared with a small square of tissue paper.
In 1885 young black men were allowed to be employed in cinema as runners or teaboys but the ban was still strongly in place. They were forced to make long journeys often without cooling balm for supplies for film shoots. They were expected to often go long periods hungry whilst filling the rich white folks stomachs with BLT sandwiches and those coleslaw Ginster bars.
It was 99 years later when Eddie Murphy burst onto our screens as Axel Foley. Donning what would change the lives for black Americans forever. A sleek and stylish moustache. Although slavery was probably abolished by then. Moustaches on black men were still taboo. As were tight stone washed jeans. Such heroes as Chuck Norris were seen sporting tighter jeans and fuller facial hair in their bid to win the racial war. Eddie (real name Eddbakmatfat Grotius Murphy) was a huge hit across the globe and broke down the long standing barrier between white and black brothers, proudly trimming their hair follicles in unity.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Back in the height of British Apartheid in 1988, computers were called 'blackboards'. Early attempts at creating blackboards involved the skinning of black men and children, and the stitching together of their skins to form parchment. These were met with failure, however, as it revealed that what makes a black man black is not the pigmentation of his skin, but in actuality the black tar like substance that pumps round his body in place of blood.
So instead white teachers had to settle for a symbolic opression - taking a black board and continually marking it with white chalk. This terrifying racist fantasy instilled in our nation's children the unconscious suggestion that not only was it OK for the whites to mark blacks, it was laudable; educational.
In today's more politcially correct society, teachers use technology developed by Global Hypercolour to mark a board that continually change colour according to the racial-make up of the class. Modern 'learning--boards' cycle through white, black, yellow and brown, with the ink changing colour appropriately. This new teaching technique has finally consigned racism to the dustbin of history, save for a few towns up north where they still think it's 'cool' to bash someone for being a coloured. Remember: we all bleed red in the end (except for blacks, who bleed black).
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
You see what happens when you kickstart the learning process? Not only History, but Science!
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I don't think that it is really Kanye West either.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
This is Dark Vader ( and the man inside him {Annie King Sky Walker} ) who was a very powerful member of the BLACK SIDE of the Force. His boss was an old WHITE man with a cane. He is a SLAVE1 - like is boba fetts ship. At the end of the final Star Wars film, he change allegence to the WHITE SIDE of the Froce, kille his MASTER, and then took off his black mask. Everyone remembrs being in the cenema when he says "Luke - I am a White Man" and then how Luke goes Noooooooooooooooooooooo because he thought he was BLACK. Then he dies bcause... hm i don't know why really!
The NEW priquals mess this plot up! Damn thes priquals trigoly!!! Geroge Lukeas maked my childhood be all of a LIE! *Force Grep* Posted by kovacs (Member # 28) on :
Now you'll have them all thinking we're racists rather than simply the usual good natured mocking of some event (matters not what it is, we mock the lot) they'll all be up in arms and a new yet more terrible flame war will start..
I'm really no longer in the mood for board wars 'specially when its something like this and is designed to start trouble or grief and basically bring the name of this forum up where it would not normally be mentioned or get the content taken out of all context by users pulled over from other forums who may well be offended by the comments made in this thread (due to them not knowing the 'twisted' sense of humour that most people on here have or indeed any of the forums history)
Take a time out - Go sit on the naughty step for a while (till mondayish).
[ 30.09.2005, 06:05: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
lol. All the time I was writing that, I had that thing you wrote on Barbelith about Alan Moore taking "designer drug cocaine" going round in my head.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Huey Newton Gunned down by the Man. Huey, author of the exhilirating Revolutionary Suicide, was not only the founder of the Black Panther Party but also invented the American version of the fig-roll biscuit.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Flavor Flav
If it's true that Public Enemy is number one, then it goes without saying that Flavor Flav is the son. As the leader of the militant black rapping group, Flav has been a modern day pioneer of african american awareness. Although he often took to the stage with the amusing yet ultimately frivolous Chuck D, Flav was still able bring gravitas and urgency to the Public Enemy message.
So incendiary were his lyrics that he needed his own personal group of bodyguards, aptly named The Security Of The First World. Here's an example:
quote: I can't do nuttin' for ya man You want six dollars for what? I can't do nuttin' for ya man You better man kiss my but I can't do nuttin' for ya man I'm busy tryin' to do for me I can't do nuttin' for ya man That's the way the ball bounces gee
These days, with hip hop taking a different course, it's hard to imagine that power that these lyrics had in the nineties. In fact, so radical were his ideas that he has now become a spokesman for black people everywhere, preaching socio-economic empowerment from his many hi-profile platforms. Recently, he has engaged with the white mainstream from popular TV shows such as "This Surreal Life", and the dog eat dog world of Channel 5's "The Farm".
It was on The Farm more than anywhere that we got to see the real Flav - brooding, intelligent, and a man of measured words. Facing off against Lionel Blair and Keith/Orville, we witnessed a raw intensity that even shocked TV bosses. As one journalist reports:
quote: Flav & Keith Keith also finds Flavor intensely irritating, while Flav distrusts the ventriloquist, accusing him of eavesdropping and being too focused on the money. Flavor has not enjoyed Keith assuming control of the shopping and cooking, and feels he has been selfish. Keith on the other hand spoke through Orville when calling him a "tosspot" after another row. Although they don't get on, they have calmed down with each other and when Keith confronted Flavor for not doing any chores one day, it remained civil.
It's hard to imagine what life is like when one remains so dedicated to a single cause. Flav has selflessly pioneered a message that brings black issues to the forefront of 21st century culture. With nothing but an oversized clock and a Yeahhhhh bwoooyyyyyyeeeeeeee, Flav is white America's wake up call.
[ 30.09.2005, 06:06: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Luce Morgan(NOT an official image) You go girl! Someone had to keep the Bard's tubes clean, so let's hear it for Luce. Who knows, if it wasn't for her there might not have been any Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet...
[ 30.09.2005, 06:18: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Huey Newton was good friends with Bob Evans, and liked to party hard.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
It was actually Bert Schneider, sorry. But it's a good example of how black militancy can get along with Judaism, if partying is involved.
[ 30.09.2005, 06:27: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Benway. Bob Evans. Have you ever watched Kid Notorious? No? You should.
Posted by Modge (Member # 64) on :
kovacs: "can you ask if I have been IP banned and if I am the first person to have been so ever on the boards"
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Benway. Bob Evans. Have you ever watched Kid Notorious? No? You should.
no, but I'm still a Bob Evans fan. Apart from the bit about the mafia.
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
IJ was IP banned wahnee?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
oh dear.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Modge: kovacs: "can you ask if I have been IP banned and if I am the first person to have been so ever on the boards"
Well, that question's been answered then.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I'd like to make it known that I don't think that banning him is such a good idea.
[ 30.09.2005, 06:40: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
The whole point of this thread was to turn today into a positive-discrimination recruitment drive. Honest. The whole thing was planned. Getting kovacs canned was just a bonus.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Some of the threads there are quite interesting> The only one I vehemently disagreed with was about Asian shopkeepers, where the poster described the treatment black men get in such shops (staying on the phone, dropping your change, failing to give you a bag) etc and complaining that for everyone else it's completely different. If it makes the man in question feel any better, I'd like to let him know that this is pretty much par for the course in any newsagent I've ever been in. One time I had to stand at the till for 15 minutes waiting for the shopkeeper to finish the newspaper article he was reading.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: One time I had to stand at the till for 15 minutes waiting for the shopkeeper to finish the newspaper article he was reading.
I can top that! Once an Asian shopkeeper made me do a dance for him by firing his pistol at my feet.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Modge: kovacs: "can you ask if I have been IP banned and if I am the first person to have been so ever on the boards"
Nope - IP ban is off I've just put his username on our new naughty step.
Race relations are tricky issue and I'm not having the forum dragged into it by the deliberate posting of an 'in TMO's sense' comedic thread into a forum designed specifically for 'Black' culture. I’m not in the mood for forum wars, so I’ve put Mr. K on the naughty step for a while and turned on the registration queue.
It's not conducive to a happy forum or a peaceful life for me when things like this happen and right now I’m not in the mood to get the sites name dragged through the mud just for a laugh...
[ 30.09.2005, 07:01: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I wasn't joking - I'm just racist.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Okay!
Let's turn on the positivity, people.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
That was a joke! I'm not racist.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
g-guys?
Posted by Kanye West (Member # 837) on :
Christ on a bike, Benway.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
John Amos Captured by American slave traders in the late 1700's, he purchased his freedom and moved to the slums of Chicago. Good times! He eventually changed his name to Admiral Percy Fitzwallace, and became the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Remarkable, yet true.
[ 30.09.2005, 07:50: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Windsor Davies
Davies was born in Canning Canning Town, London to Jamaican parents, and he returned to his parents' native Kingston when the Second World War began, in the 1940.
After the war Windsor attended Canning Canning Town School for Joy in Kentish Town, Brighton. Throughout his school years, Davies struggled socially. The only black child in a school of 200, he was something of a loner and an average academic.
"Windsor rarely mixed with the other children," remembers headmaster Anthony Fuck, "preferring instead to construct models of heavyweight pretender Gerry Cooney from rice."
It wasn't until his early twenties that Davies found a social footing - forming a 3-piece Reggae band with friends Charles Leonard and Raymond Saladbowl. The Royal Windsors toured the UK and Caribbean performing top ten hits, Baggy Shaggy Beachcomber, Man, I've had your woman and Rass.
The Windsors split in 1901 following a dispute over the rights to a time machine allegedly built buy Davies and Saladbowl during a tour of Antigua. The separation heralded a decade of depression for Davies, who drifted away from the music scene and locked himself in his one-bedroom flat in Putney. With just a fridge and a box for company, Davies grew disillusioned with his colour and set about growing a moustache.
He returned to the public eye in the 1970s, reinventing himself as a white actor. He became well known for playing the part of Battery Sergeant Major Williams in the 1970s British sitcom It Ain't Half Hot Mum. His catchphrase on the show was "Shut Up!" delivered with a eardrum shattering military scream. Windsor's "Shut Up" is widely thought to be the definitive metaphor for the racial struggle of a generation of blacks.
Nigerian playwright Wole Soyinka wrote of Davies' 'Shut Up', "In two words Windsor encapsulated a lifetime of repression, hope and hate. With this simple, poignant brace of syllables he hews a clear pasture in this political jungle of ours, while other Africans flounder and do nothing but the danse macabre."
As a spin-off from the series, Davies and his co-star, Don Estelle had a number one hit in the UK with a semi-comic version of Whispering Grass. He played major roles in two later Carry On films – as a taxi driver in Carry on Killing and a young ornithologist in Carry on RSPB. He later re-established himself as a sitcom actor with the role of Ghanaian chieftain turned antique dealer Oliver Smallbridge in Never the Twain, alongside DJ Donald Sinden.
He is also known for providing the voice of Sergeant Major Zero in the Terrahawks television series; and appeared in the Doctor Who story The Evil of the Daleks and Other Tales of the Riverbank in 1967. Television appearances have been less frequent in recent years for Davies. He prefers to work in the theatre, where he is currently starring alongside MC Hammer in the Christian musical Hammer Time, based on the story of the black Norse thunder God Thor. When he is not working, Davies enjoys servicing his Manx cat Osprey and stroking his gnarled horn with a silk stocking bequeathed to him by his late mother Tashaonda
[ 30.09.2005, 09:19: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
lolatunde (ivory)
[ 30.09.2005, 08:13: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
jonesey, if you weren't married...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm not. You must be getting me mixed up with Tony Blair.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Garth Crooks.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Excellent!
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Sorry, I was equating married and engaged in my little fluffy head, what I meant really was "off the market".
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Sorry, I was equating married and engaged in my little fluffy head
Yeah, my fiancé keeps making that mistake.
[ 30.09.2005, 08:52: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
George Galloway
George Galloway first made his mark as opening batsman for the Ugandan touring Test team of 1928 at the tender age of four. Not only did he make the history books for being professional cricket’s second youngest ever player, but he also scored a cricketing first for scoring two boundaries from a single delivery. Disillusioned by the sport following his country's infamous ‘skullsplitter’ tactics in the early 30s Galloway shunned cricket and joined the army. Rising rapidly through the ranks, due to a combination of raw talent, naked enthusiasm and horrorshow ultra-violence, George soon found himself at the apex of colonial military bureaucracy with nowhere to go and a fridge full of body-parts.
Opportunity knocked when George, eyeing the horizon, became aware of civil unrest in neighbouring Bethnal Green. He mobilized his troops stormed across the border and seized control of government. Eliminating the old order Galloway appointed himself ‘Arch Bishop, Supreme General and Emperor for Life’ and outlawed all political parties except his own, Respec’. He currently resides in the palatial splendour of a flat above Khan’s Curry Cottage on the Kingsland Road.
[ 30.09.2005, 08:56: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
"Bravo!" (Malcolm Rifkind)
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Kid-n-Play Brought rap music to middle-class white suburbanites. Also credited with the invention of 'tall hair'.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Insomnia again Ralph?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Insomnia again Ralph?
Thank God no. Slept like a baby. Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
x
[ 30.09.2005, 09:22: Message edited by: Bamba ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bamba: No strange dreams then?
Shut up.
Not fast enough, Bamba. Never fast enough.
[ 30.09.2005, 09:23: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
[ 30.09.2005, 09:28: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Have you seen this? It's pretty old, so...
Pretty old? That was like the 4th page to be put up on the internet.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
What happens during Black history month, anyway?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
This makes me laugh.. It was written by a black man.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: What happens during Black history month, anyway?
I don't know what happens in the UK, but in the states they are allowed to break any law they choose, without fear of prosecution. I wish I was black. Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm liking Ralph today.
[ 30.09.2005, 09:35: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Just take lots of tanning pills, like that bloke in 'Soul Man'
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Will that cure me?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999:
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Sorry, I was equating married and engaged in my little fluffy head
Yeah, my fiancé keeps making that mistake.
Can't say I blame him.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Will that cure me?
This was aimed at ralph, who wanted to be black.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Too late. I'm halfway through my tenth packet. My cock looks like a butternut squash.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: This was aimed at ralph, who wanted to be black.
I believe I may technically be black. I'm not sure what percentage of black blood is required, but I remember seeing something about it on Oprah once.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
A butternut squash? Butternut squash?
A person could go mad.
I'll calm down with a quick tug of my root.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Jonesey and Raplh and chums get ready to go clubbing in Brixton:
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Did anybody watch "Greatest Talent show moments" the other day. Apart from a screening of the eye popping display from Cheryl Baker et. al. and the removable skirts, there was a clip of Gary Wilmot doing Jim Davidson style gags about being black - ie, sunbathing for him is a "re-spray" etc. Poor Gary Wilmot.
I'm not a racist, but... Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Do you remember when Gary Wilmot had his own TV show, singing songs from Broadway and the West End with celebrity guests and occasionally saying "Mr. Grimsdale" for no apparent reason?
What a pile of fuck that was.
[ 30.09.2005, 09:52: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Yeah, but by then he'd gone crazy from all the drugs and booze. Was that before or after he poured brandy on himself and set himself on fire?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
During.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
it's a crying shame.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hey Benway, do you think this thread would have worked?
TMO Poker
This so isn't going to work but it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm in an empty valley with an echo for company here, so who gives a monkey's?
Right. The idea is simple. Actually it isn't. I'm still making it up as I type this. Either way the whole thread is a thinly veiled attempt squeeze posts from the face of TMO like stubborn blackheads.
OK. Poker betting: you ante up, you bet, you call, you raise, you bluff, there's a winner.
I'll throw my ante into the pot. Here it is:
I will make a two-line post telling the forum what I am wearing today.
I expect I have a better post in me than that, but the only way you're going to find out is to show me the colour of your money (words...stay with me).
Up the ante by offering the pot (forum) something better (an inventory of your fridge, perhaps or a post remembering Seethru). I could 'call' you, asking you to make good your previous bet, I could 'raise' you, offering a post of *higher value. Someone else could chip in and offer a higher stake (a promised post of greater value) but they can’t 'call' until they’ve stuck something else in the pot.
*I don't know how this will be judged. I'm just hoping it will be obvious.
[ 30.09.2005, 09:59: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Okay, I think I get this. I see your "two-line post telling the forum what you are wearing today, and raise you What I had for lunch.
eta: that's not really a raise is it. How can you bluff in this game?
[ 30.09.2005, 09:59: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I'll see your
I will make a two-line post telling the forum what I am wearing today.
and raise you
I will make a two-line post telling the forum what jonesy is wearing today. Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I fold.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I can't remember. I think I knew yesterday, though. If that's any help.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Worst thread ever. I'm going back to TCL.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
do we need to take it it turns though? ie, should BM take into account my offer, or do we all raise potential posts based on your original pot?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
To bluff: I guess I'd have to promise to promise to raise to "I will post a picture of Bandy's cock."
When someone 'calls' me on it, and I don't actually have the picture, I suppose I have to leave the forum never to return. Or kill myself.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:03: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Much as I hate to demur, I should probably not get involved in anything potentially provocative.
I've already started a thread that could get TMO lambasted and castigated.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I feel really bad about today.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Sorry, TMO.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Okay, I call you on bandy's cock. I would raise bandy's cock, but it's probably best left for another thread.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I don't have a picture of Bandy's cock, so it's probably a good thing this thread is actually just a simulation. Otherwise I'd be dead as a March hare
[ 30.09.2005, 10:09: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
that's been shot in the face.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Right, who's playing this travesty of a game? Can I be benway "The Bandit" Benway?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yes you can.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Are you now the leading homosexual poker player?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I'll play. I'll be Roy "Roy" Roy
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Ok, I'm in. Nothing going on at TCL. Shock of shocks. I'll be "ralph".
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I still can't think how to bluff. I think the idea is to 'win' the best post you can, right, so you're trying to push fellow posters into offering something good, right, but the only way to do that is to offer something quite good yourself, right? You might be bluffing when you say, for example, "I'll post a limerick about womens' feet", right, bluffing because you don't actually want to do that, right? You're hoping someone else will trump that with "I'll post a piece of fiction about ninja monkeys."
And voila, you 'call' and look forward to a piece of fiction about ninja monkeys.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:17: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
So..you've got to be able to categorically measure the value of posts that haven't been written?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yeah. I haven't though about that bit. I guess people will be able to judge.
"What the fuck kind of bet is that, Bandit. Your money (a post about biscuits) is no good in this game."
That kind of thing.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
what stops you from just raising indefinitely? And how do you win? Does winning mean you write the post, because that doesn't sound like much of a prize.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Friday fun abounds Jonesy, benway, ralph and Roy - what a pile of c***s Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You win the prize of giving. Or, the real winner is the person who comes second. They get to know they've driven up the pot and forced some poor bastard (YOU) into writing a three thousand word essay on lazer dogs.
Winners Come Second. It's so English. Ralph should love it.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:22: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
right. So, shall we start?
[ 30.09.2005, 10:23: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: what a pile of c***s[/i]
*****? Cocks? I gotta know.
This board censors certain words?
[ 30.09.2005, 10:23: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I was told never to play card with a man called Doc.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Hippy what a pile of c***s
Eh?
Black Mask seems to have stolen your password, Hippy.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:24: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
How are we a 'pile'? A shower of *****, maybe
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
OK Benway, ante up.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Right - into the pot goes "ralph's diary as The Machinist"
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
*sweats* Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
ralph, did you not know? Ock is the most offensive word that you can possibly use to an English person, and is caught by filters defeated by such lame epithets as **** .
Alt.: I can't count :shamefaced:
As you were.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Fucking hell Bandit. That's some high rolling shit to kick off a hand. Too rich for my blood. I fold. Start scribbling.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
fuck off! What kind of game is this?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Bandit, you started too high dude.
Fold.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
If you come in here steamrolling the table with flash bets like that, what do you expect?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
FFS. I think I've just blown my entire savings on one game.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: ralph, did you not know? Ock is the most offensive word that you can possibly use to an English person, and is caught by filters defeated by such lame epithets as **** .
Alt.: I can't count :shamefaced:
As you were.
I just never noticed that the TMO board software used a language filter. I always assumed posters used lots of **** for comedic affect.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Maybe it was Freudian. Maybe I have sweaty twisting fantasies of a heap of forite phalli which unconsciously emerged through the power of typing. That's for me to know, however.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Roy Roy Roy is bang on the money. Anyone here man enough to raise Benway?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Anyway, I didn't think it was that much of a big deal.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Hold on! I'm in I see your "ralph's diary as The Machinist" and raise you "a poem about a dog called Radley."
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You flash motherfucker.
I reckon you've already written this thing. It's on your hard drive isn't it?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Late to the table, but...*sigh of relief* Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:NOT Hold on! I'm in I see your "ralph's diary as The Machinist" and raise you "a poem about a dog called Radley."
Fucking hell, it's James Bond!
[ 30.09.2005, 10:32: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
*stares*
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
just ralph left then.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
proper lol!
Surely it makes more sense if the person who folds has to write their post? So you try and raise the stakes to make the other person fold, but you don't want to get to the point where you're promising something heavy duty, like ralph's diary as The Machinist. So when it gets out of hand you go "Actually that's enough for me: I'm going to stick with my bet of writing a humourous review of Operation Sex Siege".
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
What's ralph's nickname?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
OK, 007, I'll see your poem about a dog called Radley and raise you...
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: What's ralph's nickname?
It's "ralph". And I fold. Too rich for my blood.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Actually this poem isn't that good, I'm not sure it qualifies as a raise.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
...
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
hang on Jones, you've already folded, along with Roy "Roy" Roy and now ralph.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Shit you're right.
There's no oustmartin' you, is there Bandit?
[ 30.09.2005, 12:24: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
*twitches*
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
*cracks knuckles*
[ 30.09.2005, 10:38: Message edited by: I am not... ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You can't fold, dude. You're heading the pot. No one has raised you. Only Benway can save you.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
So, what does that mean? I have to write a story about a dog? IAN raised and then folded.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
*Begins composing a poem*
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
He can't fucking fold. The bet's with you. Either raise the radley poem or fold and well see IAN's cards (poem)
[ 30.09.2005, 10:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
fold then. Fuck it.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
This game is shit.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I think this game deserves a cool name, like Klondyke or Texas Hold'em.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Well done IAN - you won the obligation to write a poem.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
So who 'won'?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Excellent. We're a man short of a table now, though, while IAN scribbles.
In the meantime, then, as a little side bet, for fun, I'll wager IAN's poem contains the word sadly.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Like it. I'll go for "wag"
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
And well done Benway. Winners Come Second.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
here's the bluff - I haven't even seen the machinist.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: This game is shit.
How can it be shit. It looks brilliant. In keeping with this thread I'd have liked to have put in 'the story of racism - a ten year olds tale' into the pot but it only looks good as a title.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Anyone else got the guts to play California Guess the Poem Word?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
ain't no worth in flashing your posts off the table, NWOD.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: here's the bluff - I haven't even seen the machinist.
You sly bastard.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
*woof*
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Radley is a dog First name boo boo-radley - see? also he is RAD
Favorite game -Fetch Favorite Toy -The stuffed chicken Favorite things to do- Go outside Simple things for Radley dog
Known commands: Come, sit, lay down, shake, stay, turn around, have five and my favorite, he rings a bell when he needs to go for a wee or a poo. Radley you are wick!
Radley is a very nice and friendly dog that loves everyone he meets. Dad says he doesn't even know he's a dog. He's right; he's just one of the family. Radley dog.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:45: Message edited by: I am not... ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I'm in again.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: So who 'won'?
I'd say this is one of those 'Everyone's A Winner, Baby!' scenarios.
Except for IAN, of course.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
no "wag" or "sadly". Never mind.
I'm in again.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yep, anyone can have big pockets when they're watching from the bar, NWOD AKA: 'THE WAD'
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: I'm in again.
I'm in. I'll bet a post containing a picture of the woods behind my house.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Nice one Ralph. I'll raise you a story about a man doing a shit in the toilets of the betting shop I managed.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Count me in.
*tosses "I'll post the last thing on my clipboard" onto the table.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Hold on I won, I've showed you my "hand" surely now I get to collect the folded bets.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
I'll raise the shit story to a humourous review of operation sex seige
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
oooh Fold
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
That's a pretty big raise. I can see why they call you Roy 'Roy' Roy now.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by I am not...: Hold on I won, I've showed you my "hand" surely now I get to collect the folded bets.
Are we gonna play cards or whine like little girls about who won what when? I've got a meeting to go to in 10 minutes.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Ok, 'Steelgate and the cocaine army' written like a Big Issue article.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Sounding kinda tense there, ralph. Admit it: There are NO woods behind your house.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It doesn't work like that IAN. Read the rules.
When I write them.
I'm out. Thorn's too much of a big hitter.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Doc?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Is TV bluffing? Does he really carry that kind of cash?
[ 30.09.2005, 10:49: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Who is Ian?
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Don't ssay my name on 666 posts
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Sounding kinda tense there, ralph. Admit it: There are NO woods behind your house.
Is that what you think tough guy? I'll raise the stakes then --- 2 pics of the woods behind my house.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I AM NOT
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Benway is counting his money somewhere. I reckon he's about to bet big.
Unless he's a poof, like.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I wonder what Blackchat makes of this.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Do two pictures of the woods behind ralph's house trump Steelgate and Cocaine?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
This has turned out to be a good day, post-wise.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Don't foget my shit story. Or my story about shit.
This is genius, Jonesy.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hey, it's not over yet. We've got at least two pictures of a wood to come.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:55: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Do two pictures of the woods behind ralph's house trump Steelgate and Cocaine?
I don't think we'll ever really no for certain, will we? What exactly is in the woods behind ralph's house? Anyway, I've got a meeting. I'll pay up later if need be.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
ralph's going to Gamblers Anonymous.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Don't foget my shit story. Or my story about shit.
This is genius, Jonesy.
Your story about shit has been 'trumped'. Hahahahahaha.
[ 30.09.2005, 10:57: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
so, we're on steelgate and the cocaine army?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yep. With Ralph in therapy NWOD certainly takes the pot. Thorn's post will probably turn up on the forum anyway. He was in there too fast; it must be on his hard drive already.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
We are because...
I fold.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
alright. Then I raise the next installment of TMO "24".
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: alright. Then I raise the next installment of TMO "24".
What was the first? I need to know before I raise.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Jonesy has the link. Jonesy?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I'm about halfway through mine and I have to go to the bank. Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Jesus, NWOD. You haven't won/lost yet.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Bandit, you don't seem to grasp the subtle tactics of this game. Waving your money around just leeds to one thing:
I fold.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
He has won/lost. This is a new hand Bandit. And you've spunked your wad all over the pot.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Christ. I thought I was raising Steelgate's Coke army.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:08: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yessirrreeee! Bandit's got the gush. Yeeeehaaaaw!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I love the fact that NWOD is prepared to empty his current account to feed his addiction to this game. Good work. Shirt off your back and shit.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I don't understand. Can I retract my bid, seeing as nobody else is playing, and I thought it was the last game?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
New game? Where are the 'winners' of the last two?
Are people here betting on credit? That's illegal.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm not sure you can pull out now, Bandit.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:16: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Roy "Roy" Roy, IAN posted his dog poem, which was excellent, and NWOD is writing something which I thought I beat, although I was actually just sitting at an empty table, making wild bets against only myself. Whatever.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:16: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
IAN won the first hand - although you seem determined to dispute his existence, Roy Roy Roy - with the poem about Radley.
NWOD won hand two and is halfway through paying up with Steelgate Cocaine Army.
Hand three is still in progress. Benway has dumped a mountain of cash on the table with the next episode of 24. We're waiting to see if anyone is going to raise.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:16: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I want the next episode, so I'll fold.
I like this game. It's all win-win
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I suppose that it's almost impossible to trump the next episode of 24, considering it's probably a week's work.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Also: IAN. Top pome!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm sure if he wasn't banned, Kovacs would be all over that last statement Benway.
And the first episode only took half an hour.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:19: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
No, I don't think that anybody could be beat it.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm really looking forward to your episode.
I reckon it will be darker, like Teh Empire Strikes Back
Although you've become sunnier of late.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:22: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Actually I rushed it a bit It didn't even rhyme.
And I chose the name of the dog specifically so I had lots of rhyming options.
Sadley Tony Hadley Badley etc.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It was perfect.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
OK Bandit, if you're prepared to bend the rules and let me back in the game, I'll help you out of a hole.
Interested?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Well, I'd be suprised if you could trump me.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Wrong game Bandit. This is POKER
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
*laughs Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Alright, "raise".
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
*blushes* Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'll raise you...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
something by 69 comeback elvis!
[ 30.09.2005, 11:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
What a fucking anti-climx.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
You said a post.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
What is this? Is this some kind of wind up? Huh? You come here, we accept you at the table, and you wanna treat us like a bunch of dicks? Is that it ? You think that you can treat us like assholes, Jonesy? What the fuck are you talking about, Jonesy, huh? Whaddaya mean? A post from 69CE...What.. is that supposed to be funny? Is that a joke? Now, you put in a proper bet Jonesy, or I swear to God, I'll invite Mr. Bamba in here for a chat.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
lol
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Get this asshole outta here.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
I think we should have a "pot limit" so only "bets" that will take a max of 5 minutes to produce.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
OK. I was trying to pass the bad money of nostalgia but you're too sharp, Bandit.
Ermmm....I'll raise you a lengthy three part drama about Ricky Gervais always mocking disabled and blacks, featuring Quint, Homer Simpson and Cher.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:41: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
That's all I've got, dude. I'm wiped out. If that's not enough, the pots yours.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Hurrm. That is a raise. Maybe you're okay after all, Jonesy. Can I call?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It's your call fella.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
The tension mounts.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Then, I call.
What happens now.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
*Smokes*
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It's my pot. I'll knock something up.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
You both show your hands and we will see who has the best cards
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Me and Ian will judge.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
well, I've got the perceived value of the next episode of TMO 24.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Episode 1: Gervais remakes... Jaws
SCENE 386. INT. ORCA CABIN. NIGHT.
QUINT: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side: "Ah-So!" Just like that, Chief. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. You know, I think that's where those little yellow devils got the idea for sushi, Hooper? A thousand sailors bobbin' around like so much raw fish...[HE TAILS OFF, LAUGHING]
HOOPER: Yellow?
QUINT: Don't get me wrong, Hooper, the Toyota Supra had great handling and I'm as partial to a chicken chowmein roll as the next guy but –
HOOPER: Jesus, Quint, that's Chinese!
QUINT: Well velly solly, college boy. They all look the same when they're pointin' a gun in your face. [HE NAILS HOOPER WITH A LOOK]
HOOPER: Are you still allowed to talk like that?
QUINT: You are if you're joking.
HOOPER: And are you? Joking, I mean.
QUINT: I don't hold no grudges Mr. Hooper. I love E. Honda.
HOOPER: I don't believe –
BRODY: Tell us about the Indianapolis, Quint.
QUINT: Well, I never trusted a ship with the word 'Indian' in the name - they piss in your food. But that's by the by.
HOOPER: Christ!
QUINT: Don't you mean 'Mohammed'? I thought you were an educated man, Mr. Hooper. HOOPER: [SHAKING HIS HEAD]: Vishnu.
QUINT: Bless you. Anyway, Chief, we was comin' back from the island of Tintin, Tibet, Rin Tin Tin, Tinion to Leyte. They all sound the same to me. Have you ever noticed that, Chief?
HOOPER: I hate you.
QUINT: [PLOUGHING ON REGARDLESS]. We'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Know what the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima were, Mr. Hooper? "What the fuck was that?" Hahahaha. Bruce Lee was a saint, though. So, eleven hundred men went into the water because of that yellow submarine. Don't misunderstand me, Chief; those Clouseau movies wouldn't be the same without that Kato. I love that guy. Didn't see the first shark for about a half-hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. Unless Uncle Ben has cut off the fin to make soup with. What's that, Hooper? You got something to say? I own two Ken Hom Non Stick Woks, you know. Anyway, what we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that shark he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a Chink's eyes: "Herro, velly solly, sairor, dinner time. I wan American Chop suey? GRRRRCRUNCH!"
HOOPER: I've had enough of this.
QUINT: Sit down, Hooper! I love Micky Rooney. "Oh, Miss, Gorrightry! Prease Miss Gorightry!" Hahahaha.
BRODY: [GENTLY, TO HOOPER] Sit down, Mat.
QUINT: When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Don't know where he is now chief, probably written A Brief History of Time and talkin' like a Speak and Spell machine.
QUINT: [LAUGHS AND ADOPTS A MOCK PRAYER STANCE] Velly, velly, solly Cheify. At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb. Blew their little yellow skin off. Hahahaha. Two-ton bomb. Wanton soup. Hahahahahahahahaha!
THERE'S A LONG PAUSE. BRODY AND HOOPER STARE AT QUINT IN DISBELIEF.
QUINT: What? Stop starin' like a couple a prom virgins seen their first hornpipe. It's OK cause it's funny! I got the whole series of Hong Kong Phooey on DVD you know?
A BIG SHARK EATS THEM.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
hmn I reckon the next episode of 24 wins
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
oh, jonesy's gone and grabbed the pot anyhow.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Jonesy, you never just wrote that.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Episode 2: Ricky Gervais remakes... Mask
SCENE 198. INT ROCKY'S BEDROOM. DAY
SAM ELLIOT STANDS WITH A STRAIGHT BACK. CHER IS READING A NOTE. TEARS RUN DOWN HER PLASTIC NOSE.
ROCKY DENNIS V/O: These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun, shining on my face.
CHER: I am so sad, Sam Elliot. Hold me!
SAM ELLIOT HOLDS HER CLOSE.
CHER: I know he is in heaven but I want to see him and I can't break through!
SAM ELLIOT: Say that again.
CHER: I can't break through.
SAM ELLIOT: What has happened to your voice? It sounds as though you have throat cancer and have had your voicebox replaced with a machine.
THEY LAUGH, TOGETHER.
CHER: Hahahahaha. God that's funny! [PAUSE] I still miss Rocky, though.
SAM ELLIOT: It's probably for the best.
CHER: You're right.
SAM ELLIOT: I mean, where the hell was I gonna get a crash helmet to fit him?
CHER: What!
SAM ELLIOT: Where would we find a peruke vendor to weave a wig made from eggs?
CHER: You bastard! I am going to hit you with a tyre iron like a biker chick would!
SAM ELLIOT: He ruined my potholing weekends with the gang. CHER: I am so upset! You are evil!
SAM ELLIOT: Hahaha. It's OK, some of my best friends are lumpies.
[ 30.09.2005, 11:52: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Nice one
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Episode 3: Ricky Gervais remakes... Doctor Who
Starring Ricky Gervais as The Doctor
SCENE 112. EXT. A HUGE DODECHAHEDRON MADE FROM MIRRORS. DAY
THE LAST REMAINING DALEKS HAVE FORMED TWO LINES. THE FRONT PAIR REPEATEDLY CRASH INTO THE EXTERIOR WALLS OF THE DODECAHEDRON.
DALEK 1: Master! Master! Master!
DALEK 2: Master! Master! Master!
THE DALEKS AT THE REAR SHUNT THOSE IN FRONT. EVERY DALEK REAR ENDS THE DALEK IN FRONT. THERE IS A HUGE PILE UP, LIKE THE END OF BEVERLY HILLS COP. STUPID DALEKS.
SCENE 113. INT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
THE DOCTOR CIRCLES DAVROS LIKE A GLEEFUL VULTURE.
DALEKS (OFF): Master! Master! Master!
DOCTOR: Excitable, aren't they.
DAVROS: Soon they will exterminate you, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Oh I don't think so. [SHOUTING] You're not going to exterminate anyone, are you?
SCENE 114. EXT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
DALEK1: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
THE REST OF THE DALEKS FOLLOW SUIT, SHRIEKING IN CRAZY UNISON. DALEK 1 FIRES AT THE DODECHAHEDRON. A BEAM OF LETHAL LIGHT CONNECTS WITH THE CONSTRUCTION, JUST NEXT TO A SIGN THAT READS 'THALIMINUM. DALEK RESISTANT ALLOY'. THE DISCHARGED LIGHT BOUNCES FROM THE MIRROR AND DESTROYS THE DALEK. THE OTHER DALEKS FIRE. THEIR BLASTS ALL BOUNCE BACK. SOON EVERY LAST DALEK STANDS SMOKING AND LIFELESS.
SCENE 115. INT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
DOCTOR: They seem awfully quiet, don't they?
DAVROS: Attack! Attack! Attack!
[PAUSE]
DOCTOR: You sound a bit silly doing that. I don't think you've trained your pets very well Davros.
DAVROS: They will exterm-
DOCTOR: Yes yes yes. I know the drill. But you're wrong. Your Daleks are dead Davros! Not that they were ever truly alive. Every last one is destroyed. And you're next.
DAVROS: You would never kill, Doctor. You are too weak!
DOCTOR: Don't tempt me.
DAVROS: I'm helpless. Destroy your enemy, Doctor. Destroy me! [PAUSE]. I thought as much. You cannot kill me Doctor. But you cannot let me escape, for you know I will destroy you!
DOCTOR: You - you're right.
DAVROS: Then how do you suggest we settle this?
THE DOCTOR PAUSES, RUBBING HIS CHIN SLOWLY WITH A JELLY BABY.
DOCTOR: Bicycle race?
DAVROS: What?
DOCTOR: Step-Reebok wars?
DAVROS: You mock me, Doctor.
DOCTOR: How about a game of hopscotch?
DAVROS: Silence!
DOCTOR: Or a blinking competition.
DAVROS WAVES HIS DEFORMED HANDS AROUND.
DOCTOR: Ah, bless, Barney impressions.
DAVROS: Stop it! You - you are a horrible, horrible time lord Doctor. You mock my deformities.
DOCTOR: Well, let's face it, you're pretty funny. [BEAT] Well, you are. With your spackky little hands and your rubbish legs.
THE DOCTOR PUSHES HIS TONGUE INTO HIS BOTTOM LIP AND SLAPS HIS WRIST IN A TRADITIONAL JOEY DEACON GESTURE.
DOCTOR: Neeeeeghegehgeheeh, Spackros! Ooh, ooh Joey's dropped his shoe in the sea. Ooh, ooh, so what: Davros has never even owned shoes! Bleeelenene. Spackros!
A GIANT SILVER TEAR FORMS IN DAVROS'S SINGLE EYE, IT CRISS-CROSSES THE WRINKLES IN HIS EVIL FACE BEFORE DROPPING TO HIS CONTROL CONSOLE AND BURSTING ON A BUTTON MARKED 'MAKE DALEKS SHOUT'.
DAVROS: You. Are. Evil.
DOCTOR: Oh come on! Hawking laps this stuff up. What's wrong with you?
DAVROS: I…
THE DOCTOR OPENS THE TARDIS DOOR.
DOCTOR: I'll tell you what. Come on into the Tardis. I know how to cheer you up. You can touch my BAFTAs if you like.
DAVROS: R-really?
DOCTOR: Sure, come on in. I've won 50, you know.
DAVROS SMILES A PATHETIC LITTLE SMILE.
DOCTOR: Ah, that's better, little cripple.
DAVROS: You, you want to be my friend?
DOCTOR: Of course. You can come to Jamaica with me. If you like. We'll dress up in Bob Marley wigs and laugh at some darkies. It'll be great.
DAVROS: Where are your BAFTAs?
DOCTOR: Top of stairs, turn left, up the ladder then top shelf! Help yourself. [BEAT] Hahahahahahaha!
HE SLAMS THE DOOR IN DAVROS'S CRUSHED FACE. TARDIS DEMATERIALIZES. END CREDITS OVER A MELANCHOLIC REGGAE VERSION OF THE 'DOCTOR WHO' THEME.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:09: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Someone quote this stuff before he deletes.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Episode 3: Ricky Gervais remakes... Doctor Who
Starring Ricky Gervais as The Doctor
SCENE 112. EXT. A HUGE DODECHAHEDRON MADE FROM MIRRORS. DAY
THE LAST REMAINING DALEKS HAVE FORMED TWO LINES. THE FRONT PAIR REPEATEDLY CRASH INTO THE EXTERIOR WALLS OF THE DODECAHEDRON.
DALEK 1: Master! Master! Master!
DALEK 2: Master! Master! Master!
THE DALEKS AT THE REAR SHUNT THOSE IN FRONT. EVERY DALEK REAR ENDS THE DALEK IN FRONT. THERE IS A HUGE PILE UP, LIKE THE END OF BEVERLY HILLS COP. STUPID DALEKS.
SCENE 113. INT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
THE DOCTOR CIRCLES DAVROS LIKE A GLEEFUL VULTURE.
DALEKS (OFF): Master! Master! Master!
DOCTOR: Excitable, aren't they.
DAVROS: Soon they will exterminate you, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Oh I don't think so. [SHOUTING] You're not going to exterminate anyone, are you?
SCENE 114. EXT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
DALEK1: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
THE REST OF THE DALEKS FOLLOW SUIT, SHRIEKING IN CRAZY UNISON. DALEK 1 FIRES AT THE DODECHAHEDRON. A BEAM OF LETHAL LIGHT CONNECTS WITH THE CONSTRUCTION, JUST NEXT TO A SIGN THAT READS 'THALIMINUM. DALEK RESISTANT ALLOY'. THE DISCHARGED LIGHT BOUNCES FROM THE MIRROR AND DESTROYS THE DALEK. THE OTHER DALEKS FIRE. THEIR BLASTS ALL BOUNCE BACK. SOON EVERY LAST DALEK STANDS SMOKING AND LIFELESS.
SCENE 115. INT. DODECHAHEDRON. DAY
DOCTOR: They seem awfully quiet, don't they?
DAVROS: Attack! Attack! Attack!
[PAUSE]
DOCTOR: You sound a bit silly doing that. I don't think you've trained your pets very well Davros.
DAVROS: They will exterm-
DOCTOR: Yes yes yes. I know the drill. But you're wrong. Your Daleks are dead Davros! Not that they were ever truly alive. Every last one is destroyed. And you're next.
DAVROS: You would never kill, Doctor. You are too weak!
DOCTOR: Don't tempt me.
DAVROS: I'm helpless. Destroy your enemy, Doctor. Destroy me! [PAUSE]. I thought as much. You cannot kill me Doctor. But you cannot let me escape, for you know I will destroy you!
DOCTOR: You - you're right.
DAVROS: Then how do you suggest we settle this?
THE DOCTOR PAUSES, RUBBING HIS CHIN SLOWLY WITH A JELLY BABY.
DOCTOR: Bicycle race?
DAVROS: What?
DOCTOR: Step-Reebok wars?
DAVROS: You mock me, Doctor.
DOCTOR: How about a game of hopscotch?
DAVROS: Silence!
DOCTOR: Or a blinking competition.
DAVROS WAVES HIS DEFORMED HANDS AROUND.
DOCTOR: Ah, bless, Barney impressions.
DAVROS: Stop it! You - you are a horrible, horrible time lord Doctor. You mock my deformities.
DOCTOR: Well, let's face it, you're pretty funny. [BEAT] Well, you are. With your spackky little hands and your rubbish legs.
THE DOCTOR PUSHES HIS TONGUE INTO HIS BOTTOM LIP AND SLAPS HIS WRIST IN A TRADITIONAL JOEY DEACON GESTURE.
DOCTOR: Neeeeeghegehgeheeh, Spackros! Ooh, ooh Joey's dropped his shoe in the sea. Ooh, ooh, so what: Davros has never even owned shoes! Bleeelenene. Spackros!
A GIANT SILVER TEAR FORMS IN DAVROS'S SINGLE EYE, IT CRISS-CROSSES THE WRINKLES IN HIS EVIL FACE BEFORE DROPPING TO HIS CONTROL CONSOLE AND BURSTING ON A BUTTON MARKED 'MAKE DALEKS SHOUT'.
DAVROS: You. Are. Evil.
DOCTOR: Oh come on! Hawking laps this stuff up. What's wrong with you?
DAVROS: I…
THE DOCTOR OPENS THE TARDIS DOOR.
DOCTOR: I'll tell you what. Come on into the Tardis. I know how to cheer you up. You can touch my BAFTAs if you like.
DAVROS: R-really?
DOCTOR: Sure, come on in. I've won 50, you know.
DAVROS SMILES A PATHETIC LITTLE SMILE.
DOCTOR: Ah, that's better, little cripple.
DAVROS: You, you want to be my friend?
DOCTOR: Of course. You can come to Jamaica with me. If you like. We'll dress up in Bob Marley wigs and laugh at some darkies. It'll be great.
DAVROS: Where are your BAFTAs?
DOCTOR: Top of stairs, turn left, up the ladder then top shelf!
Help yourself. [BEAT] Hahahahahahaha!
HE SLAMS THE DOOR IN DAVROS'S CRUSHED FACE. TARDIS DEMATERIALIZES. END CREDITS OVER A MELANCHOLIC REGGAE VERSION OF THE 'DOCTOR WHO' THEME.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Someone quote this stuff before he deletes.
Why???
[ 30.09.2005, 12:01: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Episode 4: Gervais remakes... The Simpsons
SC1. THE SIMPSON’S KITCHEN. DAY.
BART: Great pancakes Mom.
MARGE: Thank you honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now.
BART: Pass the maple syrup Homer.
HOMER PICKS UP A LADLE. UNDER THE TABLE IS A BARREL OF MAPLE SYRUP. HE SCOOPS A LADLE OF SYRUP FOR BART. AS HOMER PASSES IT ACROSS THE TABLE WE NOTE THE LADLE IS FULL OF HOLES. THE MAPLE SYRUP DRIPS OUT, ALL OVER HOMER'S PANCAKES.
BART: Hey! This is empty!
HOMER: Then perhaps you shouldn't eat so fast.
BART: Hand over the syrup big guy. I know you're holding.
HOMER DRUMS THE BARREL UNDER THE TABLE WITH HIS FINGERS AND WHISTLES.
HOMER: I don't know what you're talking about.
BART: Mom!
MARGE: Give his some syrup Homie.
HOMER: I don't see why I should...[HE TAILS OF GRUMBLING]
BART: Ante up Homer.
HOMER UNROLLS A 'CUTLERY' TOOL ROLL. IT IS LABELLED 'SERVING SIZES, VARIOUS.' CU TOOL ROLL. EACH ITEM IS LABELLED: 'TEASPOON', 'TABLE SPOON', 'DESSERT SPOON'. THE CAMERA PANS ALONG TO REVEAL 'LADLE', 'SHOVEL', 'BUCKET', 'DUMPSTER'. HOMER DRIFTS OFF INTO A DREAM: THE DUMPSTER, FULL OF PORK RIND, IS BEING POURED INTO HOMER'S MOUTH. WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL A QUEUE OF PEOPLE BEHIND HIM, ALL HOLDING SPOONS, A WEEPING TRADESMAN STANDS NEXT TO HOMER AT A FOOD STALL, BOASTING THE SIGN – 'TROTTERS PIG FAT. GRAND OPENING. FREE SAMPLE. ONE PER CUSTOMER'. HOMER ROLLS AWAY, PATTING HIS STOMACH. THE NEXT CUSTOMER STEPS FORWARD AND HOLDS OUT THEIR SPOON. THE WEEPING TRADESMAN PULLS A CHORD. A SHUTTER COMES DOWN IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER'S FACE. A SIGN READS 'CLOSED. FOR SALE: ONE MARKET STALL, ONE DO-IT-YOURSELF HOG RENDERING KIT. OFFERS'. HOMER SNAPS OUT OF HIS REVERIE
BART: Ante up Homer.
HOMER LETS HIS FINGERS PLAY ALONG THE TOOL ROLL: PAST 'TABLE SPOON', 'TEASPOON' AND, NEXT, 'COKE SPOON'. HE FINALLY SETTLES ON 'PIPETTE' AND EXTRACTS A SINGLE DROP OF MAPLE SYRUP, WHICH HE DROPS ON BART'S PANCAKE.
HOMER: Enjoy.
BART: Moooom!
MARGE [GETTING ANGRY]: Homer, share!
HOMER IS NOW WEARING A HAT WITH TWO CANS OF SYRUP ON IT AND STRAWS RUNNING DOWN TO HIS MOUTH. HE RELUCTANTLY REMOVES ONE CAN AND THROWS IT TO BART.
BART: That's more like it.
BART STARTS SHAKING IN A QUITE TERRIFYING FASHION. HE IS SQUIRTING MAPLE SYRUP EVERYWHERE BUT ON HIS FOOD.
LISA: You shouldn't eat so much maple syrup anyway. It's packed with calories.
HOMER: Mmmm, calories.
LISA: All that sugar is bad for the liver.
HOMER: Mmmm, liver
BART IS SQUIRTING JETS OF MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER THE KITCHEN.
MARGE: What’s the matter, Bart?
BART: I don't know. I can't stop shaking.
LISA: You look like you’re having muscle spasms Bart. I think you must be really unwell.
MARGE: Homer, this is terrible.
HOMER: I know, look at all the maple syrup he's wasting.
MARGE: I mean the shaking!
LISA: Do something Dad!
HOMER GRABS A DUFF AND GIVES IT TO BART. BART CAN'T HELP BUT SHAKE IT UP. THE CAN SWELLS UP DANGEROUSLY.
HOMER: Heh heh heh. That one's got your name on it, Flanders.
BART: Mom, I can’t stop sssshhhaking.
LISA: What's wrong with him?
CUT TO:
SC2. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
DOCTOR HIBBERT: I'm afraid Bart has Parkinson's. Ha ha ha.
HOMER: Have you been stealing again, boy?
LISA: No Dad; Parkinson's is neurodegenerative disease that effects the brain and muscles. Michael J Fox has it.
MARGE: Is there a cure?
HOMER: Of course there's a cure Marge. But how can I afford a car that travels through time?
HIBBERT: Actually that was just a movie. There's no real cure for Michael J Fox, or for Bart.
MARGE BEGINS WEEPING.
HIBBERT: Can we have a nurse in here to council this woman.
TWO NURSES WALK IN. ONE IS SAMUEL L JACKSON, THE OTHER IS LETICIA DEAN.
LISA: Why are you being played by Samuel L Jackson?
SAM: I hang with the scribe. You dig?
LISA: Not really, no.
LETICIA DEAN: He means that he's friends with the writer. So am I. The writer knows loads of famous people.
MARGE: And who are you again?
LETTICE: Leticia Dean, from Eastenders and The Hello Girls.
MARGE: No, sorry. Still no idea. Anyway, Doctor, is there really no cure?
HIBBERT: No, but we discover new things all the time. Today, for instance, at the script read-through, I discovered that cripples can be funny. Hoh ho hoh.
MARGE: Then what do you suggest we do?
DOCTOR HIBBERT: I recommend you keep Bart calm and try not to draw attention to the problem until I can find a cure.
CUT TO:
SC3. INT. CAR. DAY
HOMER IS DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN. BART IS SHAKING IN THE BACK. THE CAR STEREO IS BLASTING OUT 'SHAKING ALL OVER'. HOMER IS SINGING ALONG.
HOMER: Got the shakes in my knee bones, got the tremors in my thigh bones. Ooohoooh, shaking all over. Don't worry son. I'll take your mind of things and cheer you up.
CUT TO:
SC4: MONTAGE
A BAD MONTAGE PLAYS OF HOMER ATTEMPTING TO CHEER BART UP. MUSIC IS SOMETHING SOPPY LIKE 'WIND BENEATH MY WINGS' (BUT A BETTER IDEA). IN ONE SCENE HOMER TAKES BART FOR A MILK SHAKE. IN ANOTHER HE GOES THROUGH THE TRADITIONAL FATHER-SON BONDING OF TEACHING BART TO RIDE A BIKE. WHEN HOMER LETS GO, THE QUIVERING BART WEAVES ACROSS THE ROAD AND CRASHES INTO A CAR. IN ANOTHER, A NAKED HOMER WRAPS A TOWEL AROUND BART AND USES HIM AS ONE OF THOSE MACHINES THAT SHAKE YOUR FLAB OFF. IN THE FINAL SCENE BART AND HOMER ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WITH ICE CREAMS. BART'S HAS GONE ALL OVER THE FLOOR. THEY PASS A STREET PERFORMER/MIME ARTIST/BREAKDANCER WHO STARTS 'JACKING HIS BODY' IN ELECTRO STYLE ALONG WITH BART'S MUSCLE SPASMS. HOMER LAUGHS.
SC6. INT. CAR. DAY.
HOMER IS DRIVING BART BACK TO THE HOSPITAL. 'SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL' IS BLARING OUT. HE IS SINGING ALONG. SC7. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
MARGE: It's no use Doctor. He's getting worse. You must be able to help!
HIBBERT: Well, there might be one cure.
LISA: What is it?
HIBBERT: The healing medicine of laughter. Ho ho ho.
MARGE: Quick Homer. Tell a joke.
HOMER: Question - what did you get for Christmas? Answer - shot.
A TUMBLE WEED BLOWS IN. DOCTOR HIBBERT LAUGHS.
MARGE: It's not working! Do something.
KRUSTY'S VOICE IS HEARD OFF.
KRUSTY: Hey hey hey.
LISA: I have an idea. Dad, how much money do you have in the whole world?
HOMER: Twelve dollars.
LISA: Including your Duff Fund.
HOMER [RELUCTANTLY]: Eleven thousand dollars.
LISA: Quick, give it to me.
SC8. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
THE SIMPSONS ARE GATHERED AROUND BART'S BED. HOMER IS HOLDING A WEDGE OF CASH AND WEEPING. KRUSTY WALKS IN, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
KRUSTY: Hey, hey, hey. OK, let's get this over with. Hey kid, why did the rapist cross the road?
BART: I dddddoooon't knooooow.
KRUSTY SNATCHES UP THE CASH FROM HOMER.
KRUSTY: And you're never gonna find out unless you can come up with another ten grand. I don't come cheap. Your five seconds are up. Adios.
HE LEAVES.
MARGE: That's it. My son's going to die. What can we do?
HIBBERT: There's just one more chance.
MARGE: What?
HIBBERT: A specialist. He's in town at the moment. He just might be able to make Bart laugh.
HOMER: But we've got no more money. And no more beer.
HIBBERT: He does a lot of work for charity. Live8, things like that. He just might be able to save your son.
SIMPSONS: Who is he?
GERVAIS ENTERS.
GERVAIS: Me, Ricky Gervais, of course. From the Office and Extras.
LISA: Can you help make Bart laugh, Mr Gervais?
GERVAIS: Well, let's see. Hey there little fella. No need to be afraid. Stop shaking.
LISA: He's not afraid. He's got Parkinson's Disease.
GERVAIS: What does that mean, he can't stop licking celebrities' arses and thinks Jamie Cullum is the next Frank Sinatra?
LISA: It means his brain doesn't communicate with his muscles properly.
GERVAIS: Poor little chinky.
LISA: What's a chinky?
GERVAIS: You should know. You are one.
LISA: I don't understand.
GERVAIS: Funny, it's usually us that don't understand you.
LISA: Pardon?
GERVAIS: You know, your little yellow accents and stuff.
LISA: Are you implying that I'm Chinese?
GERVAIS: Or Japanese; who knows these days. Woah! Look at that guy.
GERVAIS HAS SPOTTED A PATIENT ON A BREATHING MACHINE. HE HOPS OVER TO HIM AND MIMICS THE DEEP BREATHS.
GERVAIS: You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor!
THE PATIENT'S BREATHING GETS FASTER.
GERVAIS: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
THE PATIENT FLATLINES.
GERVAIS: Is there a bee in here? Can anyone else hear a bee?
LISA: That's his monitor. You've killed him.
GERVAIS: Oh well, just a bit of fun. Do you want to see my BAFTAs.
LISA: How many do you have?
GERVAIS: I lose count I'm so excellent. Jonathan Ross is a twat, by the way.
HE HANDS BAFTAs AROUND THE ROOM.
GERVAIS: Plenty for everyone.
HOMER BITES INTO ONE.
GERVAIS: Yeah, you can bite them. They're solid gold.
HOMER: Mmmmm, solid gold. [HE BITES A HUGE CHUNK OUT OF ONE]
GERVAIS: My BAFTA! You’ve damaged one of the precious BAFTAs that I am absolutely indiferent to. Although I'm not really.
GERVAIS CRIES. EVERYONE LAUGHS.
LISA: Look, Mom, Bart's stopped shaking!
THEY CELEBRATE.
MARGE: Thank you Mr Gervais. You've saved our son…
GERVAIS: Hmm. Not really much of a son though, is he? Bright yellow, head like a dustbin, voice like a girl on helium. Not really your average Billy Elliot.
MARGE: Well he's ours, and he's alive.
THE SIMPSONS HUG.
GERVAIS: Looks like my work here is just about done.
A CCTV CAMERA WHIRS ON GERVAIS.
CUT TO.
SC9. INT. MR BURNS' OFFICE.DAY.
MR BURNS IS WATCHING THE HOSPITAL ON CCTV.
BURNS: Who is that go-getting fat man, Smithers?
SMITHERS: That's Homer Simpson, sir.
BURNS: Simpson eh? That's just the kind of flid-mocker we need around here.
SMITHERS: He already works for you sir.
BURNS: Funny. I don't recall seeing him before. I'm sure I'd remember that sarcastic manner and those needle teeth.
SMITHERS: Oh, no sir, you mean Ricky Gervais.
BURNS: Gervais, eh? Who is he?
SMITHERS: He's English, sir. He's won 50 BAFTAs for mocking race and disability.
BURNS: Hahahaha. He sounds hilarious Smithers. Get me his number right away. He can perform at my brother's funeral.
SMITHERS: But your brother isn't dead sir.
BURNS: He will be tomorrow. He's costing me far too much in Christmas cards.
SMITHERS: Very well sir.
CU ON CCTV PICTURE, SHOWING GERVAIS.
CUT TO:
SC10. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.
GERVAIS IS DOING THE GERVAIS DANCE FOR A BUNCH OF PATIENTS. THEY ARE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
GERVAIS: Da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. Da-da-da-da-da-daaaa. Ah, bless. Look at your laughing little faces. [TO A BURNS VICTIM]. Not, you, of course, you haven't got a face. But the rest of you. Bless. Such lovely little spasmos.
HE CONTINUES TO DANCE. FADE INTO END CREDITS, WHICH ROLL OVER A 'GERVAISE DANCE' TUNE REMIX OF THE SIMPSONS THEME.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:11: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Someone quote this stuff before he deletes.
Why???
Because he does.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Jonesy, you never just wrote that.
The bet didn't specify that I had to write it - just post it.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:03: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Excellent stuff.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
Rad
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You get around IAN.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Anyone fancy another hand?
fancy
[ 30.09.2005, 12:10: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm off. I'm staying in with a ruby (that's a curry, ralph) tonight so I might come back and play Patience with myself.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:14: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I'm off. I'm staying in with a ruby (that's a curry, ralph) tonight so I might come back and play Patience with myself.
Posted by I am not... (Member # 25) on :
CHeers Good game.
I'm out of here.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by I am not...: I'm out of here.
Damn 5 hour time difference. Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
You know, with a few more forumites in the states, we might just have a chance to extend the shutdown time of these discussions by a few hours.
But then again, the discussions would probably all center around Britney's baby and NASCAR and watery beer, so maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing after all.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by froopyscot: You know, with a few more forumites in the states, we might just have a chance to extend the shutdown time of these discussions by a few hours.
But then again, the discussions would probably all center around Britney's baby and NASCAR and watery beer, so maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing after all.
Are there other TMOers in the states? For the record, we're not all interested in Britney, NASCAR, or beer (watery or otherwise).
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
I liked Jonesy's posts, but I thought they were overly harsh on Gervais, and slightly ideologically confused. That is to say, while they appeared to take Ricky Gervais to task for mocking the afflicted, the sketches themselves also got a lot of mileage out of disability and illness, especially the Parkinson's one. So JOnesy's attempts to lambast Gervais suffer as a result: Jonesy winds up doing exactly the thing he mocks RG for. It's a shame, because he obviously put a lot of work into that and it's a pity that it's now all completely wasted.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
doc d.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: I liked Jonesy's posts, but I thought they were overly harsh on Gervais, and slightly ideologically confused. That is to say, while they appeared to take Ricky Gervais to task for mocking the afflicted, the sketches themselves also got a lot of mileage out of disability and illness, especially the Parkinson's one. So JOnesy's attempts to lambast Gervais suffer as a result: Jonesy winds up doing exactly the thing he mocks RG for. It's a shame, because he obviously put a lot of work into that and it's a pity that it's now all completely wasted.
You've neatly summed up all my concerns about the venture. They never felt quite right, for the reasons you cite. Plus I actually like Gervais, so it was always pretty toothless.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: doc d.
A prime example of why it's important to quote the poster to whom you're responding to.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I'm wild and untamed.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I'm on the razors edge man.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: I'm wild and untamed.
Perhaps someone will have to break you then.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Decay I'm wild and untamed
If that's a post about Steelgate and the Cocaine Army then someone at this card table is about to get shot.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:35: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: If that's a post about Steelgate and the Cocaine Army then someone at this card table is about to get shot.
No, about two paragraphs of that are still hidden in my inbox.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Quite a dramatic way to end the game there.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It's not over. NWOD is has a few debts to settle. Unless he's been writing cheques he can't cash.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I was struggling with the funny bits.
8.25am It's early morning and I agree to meet my contact Dirk, who at first I half expect to fail to arrive. I don't blame him for not showing. Dirk is one of the many foot soldiers of the Cocaine Army. I'm told Dirk is black but I am made to jump suddenly as a hulking bruiser taps me on the shoulder and dargs me into the alleyway. I try to hide my fear. I try to act cool and speak the lingo 'spose you were probably late because you run into the rozzers eh?' but Dirk silences me. 'listen you f**king nonce, stop using my real name, from now on we go by the name of Steelgate, unless there's chicks about and then it's Harley to you' Dirk later explains he's been having issues with a puncture on his bicycle. He informs me that all of the major dealers have punctures. A bicycle lowers your profile in front of the 'narcs' and saves a fortune in parking tickets on the job. I write it down what he says with enthusiasm and he eyes up my pencil hungrily. I ask him if he dubs his face up to fit in with the black community, but he tells me that before he started as a dealer, he was in the steel industry and now he refuses to wash 'lest he forgets his humble roots'
10.47am We've not seen a single client yet and Dirk is trying to peddle some viagra at the local library. The staff keep looking over as he tries to catch the attention of a pretty lady dressed in office garb. He is using clicking noises and hissing mostly. He turns to me with a grin. 'Herberts I call them' he chuckles and I have timeto catch a smell of his breath. It reeks of speckled hen ale and newspaper. 'Why do you call them that? I ask and he confuses me with his half muttered reply 'cos they get you as hard as a herbert' He gets out two audio tapes on his library card and he promises to get me in on some of the action.
11.00am It seems Dirk was holding off for the job centre to open. As it's Wednesday I'm expecting him to be claiming his dole. Cocaine dealers have no qualms about taking a government handout.
1.05pm 'Later I'll take you to see my bitches' brags Dirk. 'I have them running around me. Sometimes, I'll be surrounded by 20 - 30 a night' and I'm genuinely impressed. Right now, though he is peddling a couple of wraps to a man in a business suit. Each packet contains 5 grams each, neatly wrapped in tin foil and folded into envelopes made out of Big Issue pages. He walks away smoothly and then leaps onto his bike. I am gripped from behind by strong hands.
2.00pm I use my one free phone call to get someone from the offices to vouch for me.
7.30 I am released with a caution but I am late for my agreed meeting with Dirk for this evening. I am not trained in the art of street dealing like Dirk is. I've tasted my first real brush with the law. The location is All Bar One in Picadilly Circus....
you can sort of see where I was going with that can't you? Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: I was struggling with the funny bits.
Looks like they got left out completely.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Actually no, let's just put Ralph on the naughty step too.
[ 30.09.2005, 12:59: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
oi NWOD, r u coming over 4 sex 2nite? I have plyd UT2004, it's teh r0xX0r11111
[ 30.09.2005, 13:03: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: naughty step
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Are there other TMOers in the states? For the record, we're not all interested in Britney, NASCAR, or beer (watery or otherwise).
aye. i'm here, but i'm neither funny nor intelligent. nor do i have anything pertinent to say. unless i'm arguing wit mask about teh gr8ness of teh faces.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: i'm here, but i'm neither funny nor intelligent.
Neither am I. Perhaps it is an American trait after all. Are you a right-coaster or left-coaster? If you're somewhere in the middle I'd like to end this conversation right now.
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by froopyscot: You know, with a few more forumites in the states, we might just have a chance to extend the shutdown time of these discussions by a few hours.
But then again, the discussions would probably all center around Britney's baby and NASCAR and watery beer, so maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing after all.
Are there other TMOers in the states? For the record, we're not all interested in Britney, NASCAR, or beer (watery or otherwise).
Dude, do you even READ?
Aside from this, there was a thread a while back asking travel advice from Americans...and I believe you posted on it even, geesh.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by rooster: Dude, do you even READ?
I READ. I just don't RETAIN.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: oi NWOD, r u coming over 4 sex 2nite? I have plyd UT2004, it's teh r0xX0r11111
YŁ5!! I will swing by for a quickie.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
ralph's a bit lairy today. You on something, sonny-jim?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Are you a right-coaster or left-coaster? If you're somewhere in the middle I'd like to end this conversation right now.
good. fuck off.
do i have to add a wanky?
[ 30.09.2005, 13:11: Message edited by: doc d ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Excellent. Every good poker game should end in a fight. And they're Americanists.
"You want to fight?"
"Where I come from, that's fighting talk"
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
ackshully. i'm english.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: ackshully. i'm english.
I'm sure I've made this mistake before.
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
As far as I know there are only three actual Americans on this board, and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out (clicking on someone's name often reveals their location).
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I did no fucking work today because of this thread
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Oh. Not 'Oh' to you Benway, but 'oh' to Rooster.
[ 30.09.2005, 13:23: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: good. fuck off.
do i have to add a wanky?
If you are somewhere in the middle, you are a wanky.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by rooster: actual Americans
As opposed to simulated Americans?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Benway, have you got broadband at home now?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: If you are somewhere in the middle, you are a wanky.
so, vote democrat do we?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: so, vote democrat do we?
Oh Lord no. Nor do I vote Republican.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Today TMO has shown that it's still capable of producing the goods when pushed. Keep up the good work TMO and we'll make a forum of it yet.
Oh, I crashed my car by the way.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Benway, have you got broadband at home now?
yeah! wanna cyber?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by doc d: so, vote democrat do we?
Oh Lord no. Nor do I vote Republican.
ah good. a real american.
which militia are you a member of?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Today TMO has shown that it's still capable of producing the goods when pushed. Keep up the good work TMO and we'll make a forum of it yet.
Oh, I crashed my car by the way.
Maybe you need to brush up on your drifting skillz? Dude, how many times have you crashed cars?. I'm suprised you could get insured for a wheelbarrow.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: yeah! wanna cyber?
No thanks. Wanna pint? Just a quick one? I've got to come over to the other flat pick something up.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sure man. How you wanna play it?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'll be walking past your flat in 15 minutes. I'll use mobile phone technology to ring your handset. Alright?
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Maybe you need to brush up on your drifting skillz? Dude, how many times have you crashed cars?. I'm suprised you could get insured for a wheelbarrow.
Twice actually!
Anyway, I'd rather not dwell on it. I just wanted to let people know and I didn't think it deserved it's own thread.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: ah good. a real american.
which militia are you a member of?
I belong to no militia. I do however live deep in the woods of western Massachusetts, in a small town full of aging hippies and lesbians. Does that count?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
but you're alright though ringo? no damage to body. or other bodies?
quote: I belong to no militia. I do however live deep in the woods of western Massachusetts, in a small town full of aging hippies and lesbians. Does that count?
ah. i see. you're one of THEM.
[ 30.09.2005, 13:39: Message edited by: doc d ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I'll be walking past your flat in 15 minutes. I'll use mobile phone technology to ring your handset. Alright?
Alright. It's best, considering my door-based notification system is off limits because of the mad italian. (in joke for those who live in my building)
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
Shame about your car Ringo but like the pic Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Nah I'm fine. I just need new wheels.
Hey I just realised that driving a Japanese car has made my shaking fist go yellow.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Are you one of the 3009 players? What is it with you and Dave Courtney anyway, Roy?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: ah. i see. you're one of THEM.
I suppose I am. But that's how we refer to people like you.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bored Beyond Belief: Shame about your car Ringo but like the pic
a/s/l?
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
I know better than to answer that seriously...
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bored Beyond Belief: I know better than to answer that seriously...
Then make something up. Just post post post!
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
You bored too Ralph?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bored Beyond Belief: You bored too Ralph?
Beyond belief.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: [QUOTE]But that's how we refer to people like you.
what? the english? these terse exchanges feel like foreplay.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: [QUOTE]But that's how we refer to people like you.
what? the english? these terse exchanges feel like foreplay.
Are you an American in England on a Brit in the states? I'm having a very hard time keeping up. If you're a Brit in the states, then I don't really care where you live.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
on the Roy Roy Roy Dave Courtney tip - this is (not) good. Gangster news! with "up to the minute gangster information and additional stories."
[ 30.09.2005, 13:49: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: If you're a Brit in the states, then I don't really care where you live.
ladies and gentlemen we have a man who has finally worked out the answer to the non question.
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
quote: these terse exchanges feel like foreplay
quote: Are you an American in England on a Brit in the states?
This exchange is turning into a benny hill sketch...
and please dont mention foreplay; it does funny things to me...
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
The act or the word?
It seems a bit out to chate on this thread. perhaps a new one could be made?
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
Both Ringo
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d:
quote:Originally posted by ralph: If you're a Brit in the states, then I don't really care where you live.
ladies and gentlemen we have a man who has finally worked out the answer to the non question.
I'm going to make one final attempt here. Hello doc! I understand you're a Brit living in the US! Welcome! Whereabout in the US do you currently reside? Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
pssstt. he's not a real doctor Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: pssstt. he's not a real doctor
thanks. I could have made a real ass out of myself. why are we whispering?
[ 30.09.2005, 14:01: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: I belong to no militia. I do however live deep in the woods of western Massachusetts, in a small town full of aging hippies and lesbians. Does that count?
Ah, so do you enjoy Northampton?
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
Has everyone gone?
Does this mean I have to entertain myself now?
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
That's usually what happens when foreplay ends abruptly.
Or so I'm told.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by froopyscot: Ah, so do you enjoy Northampton?
I enjoy it for it's dining and shops. I do not partake of it's homosexual community if that's where you're going with this. Have you been there?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
a/s/l?
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
thank god for that
entertaining myself has never been one of my strong points...
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: a/s/l?
You first! LOLROFL
/shootme
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Reading this rapidly-declining thread, I discovered:
- Kovacs is a bigger bellend than I first thought. The naughty is step is too mild a punishment for someone who thinks it is funny to post a link to an 'edgy' TMO thread on a board that is probably populated by people who have one leg six inches shorter than the other on account of the huge chip on their shoulders. Especially when he knows I am going to post at some point.
- Jonesy has a 'fiancé'. Are you a hermeur old chap?
- Ringo crashed his car. Don't worry if you wrote it off as long as you are OK. It was only a piece of Japanese junk; you should now invest in one of these:
I have also heard rumours that they are planning a 2005 version. I am keeping my eyes a-peeled.
That said, you insurance will end up being so shot to shit that you might as well quit while behind and get one of these:
I have seen a few of these on Ebay, insurance is probably going be group minus one and a Ringofied Trabbi with a GB plate scuttling around the Nordschleiffe is bound to generate a load of interest.
An o, black history month. To be honest I cannot see how the 'content' can even justify being given a day, let alone an entire month. What is there to say? Amistad, Windrush, Malcolm X, So Solid Crew. Er, and what besides? Oh, yeah. jerk chicken.
I just don't get it.
'I'm only trying to be affable'
[ 30.09.2005, 15:14: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Modge (Member # 64) on :
oh fuck off, rick.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Nah I just damaged a wheel, it's no biggie. Insurers need know nothing about it. In fact I've already got some new wheels lined up from ebay.
As for your Japanese junk comment... well anyone who would brush aside one of the greatest handling roadsters ever made clearly needs their brain opening up and examining. You've said some pretty far out things on here before but that takes the biscuit.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Modge: oh fuck off, rick.
Lost for words now are we? I wonder if your wife approves of you using her username for this purpose?
My post was a joke - see reference to my posting on this thread and it and being 'seen' by those blacke people - but it is clear that you have lost it.
In a word - pathetic.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Nah I just damaged a wheel, it's no biggie. Insurers need know nothing about it. In fact I've already got some new wheels lined up from ebay.
Excellent. from reading your posts I got the impression that it was worse than that.
quote:As for your Japanese junk comment... well anyone who would brush aside one of the greatest handling roadsters ever made clearly needs their brain opening up and examining. You've said some pretty far out things on here before but that takes the biscuit.
It can't be as bad as my sarcastically comparing the professor to a glans, surely?
Posted by Bored Beyond Belief (Member # 835) on :
quote: Reading this rapidly-declining thread
Rapidly declining? that was just after you started posting; right?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Norton's broke the thread!
(Not really)
[ 30.09.2005, 15:42: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Your call.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
It's black history month in lewisham soon.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Following Professor Pervert's post and Darryn having to restrict new registrations, one can make the absurd conclusion that TMO is racist. There are a number of posts that poke fun at blacke folke, and they are probably lining up and being kept waiting outside the registration gates so they can come on in and join the fray. Wake up, people! Blacke people are being barred from joining TMO!
It's like the British embassy in Kampala circa 1972, methinks.
[ 30.09.2005, 15:48: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: It's black history month in lewisham soon.
lol.
Posted by Modge (Member # 64) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Lost for words now are we? I wonder if your wife approves of you using her username for this purpose?
huzzah! the standard rick-response for when I post something to him. Oh, and I got that you were "joking" but it wasn't very funny. My comment was a reply to you calling my husband a bellend.
p.s if you're still not sure I'm me, I'll post my next reply in broad scotch or with extra-oestrogen to help convince you.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Modge: huzzah! the standard rick-response for when I post something to him. Oh, and I got that you were "joking" but it wasn't very funny. My comment was a reply to you calling my husband a bellend.
I was joking initially. I was trying to be affable. But not now. I cannot see what your problem is, though. The silly man posted a link to a TMO thread called 'black history month' on a board populated by people who might wish to remove his head with nary a second thought if they knew about the sort of silly-bugger games he often plays.
These are the actions of someone who needs his head read. I hindsight I think my calling him a 'bellend' was rather polite, to be honest.
quote:p.s if you're still not sure I'm me, I'll post my next reply in broad scotch or with extra-oestrogen to help convince you.
Please. I particularly like oestrogen on toast.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote: SATURDAY 1 - 2 AND 8 OCTOBER Black History Walking Tour of New Cross & Deptford MEET OUTSIDE 439 NEW CROSS ROAD, SE14 Journalist, author, broadcaster and historian Steve Martin will lead a walk revealing the hidden histories of Black people in New Cross and Deptford
Not very black, is it?
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
Guys, guys - look at us. Squabbling, bickering, like children. What's happening to us? We never used to be like this.
We used to be nice to each other. Or did I dream that?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Not very black, is it?
[/QB]
he's not even funny anymore.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by Stefanos: Guys, guys - look at us. Squabbling, bickering, like children. What's happening to us? We never used to be like this.
We used to be nice to each other. Or did I dream that?
romanes eunt domus.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Stefanos: Or did I dream that?
Wakey, wakey.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
x
[ 30.09.2005, 16:42: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: It can't be as bad as my sarcastically comparing the professor to a glans, surely?
No that was at least based partially on reality
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
Isn't Snorton dead yet? There was me hoping that he'd been completely disembowelled in an accident that also involved his tongue being ripped out and placed on a spike to the left of Kensington Gardens.
Flying Snorton viscera hitting tourists in the face. That'd be well good.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
This thread is having its comedown moment.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
I'm winding up the Scotch people tonight, aren't I?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Starts off with a cultural celebration and ends in violence. This is the internet equivalent of the notting hill carnival.
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: I'm winding up the Scotch people tonight, aren't I?
Not really, just being, um, how shall I phrase this... your usual twattish self. You flatter yourself with the winding up; mostly you'e a small flea on the nose of a syphilitic mongrel. And hey, keep going, at least Scotland can declare as a fucking Snorton Free country. That beats four fucking stars from any fucking tourist body.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bamba: You flatter yourself with the winding up; mostly you'e a small flea on the nose of a syphilitic mongrel. And hey, keep going, at least Scotland can declare as a fucking Snorton Free country. That beats four fucking stars from any fucking tourist body.
Ouch. Lucid, aren't you?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
no she's in manchester.
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Ouch. Lucid, aren't you?
What, you don't normally expect that of anyone who can't have a pseudo middle class conversation at a cheese counter? Ach, fuck you. You and I are both such rare fixtures in the TMO landscape of hate it's almost not worth loathing you anymore. You tin pot piece of racist shite.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bamba: What, you don't normally expect that of anyone who can't have a pseudo middle class conversation at a cheese counter?
And your point is?
quote:Ach, fuck you. You and I are both such rare fixtures in the TMO landscape of hate it's almost not worth loathing you anymore. You tin pot piece of racist shite.
I am a 'rare fixture' in the TMO landscape of hate? Jeez, I should post more often. 'Tin pot piece of racist shite' - gotta love it. Only a few moments ago I was a 'a small flea on the nose of a syphilitic mongrel'. You are clearly an artist; hell, you should be a fucking poet.
On an otherwise dull Friday night While surfing for scat I had the misfortune to find A 'tin pot piece of racist shite'
Frankly, given that every exchange I have had with you on these boards have started with one of your Tourettes-style outbursts I don't know why I am really bothering. If I am 'a small flea on the nose of a syphilitic mongrel', one has to wonder what that makes you.
[ 30.09.2005, 18:55: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Bamba (Member # 330) on :
You like the attention. When was the last time someone rubbed your nose in the excrement of your own posts? That's why you're bothering. If I wasn't pissed I'd do whatever the world else does on the internet and ignore your shabby little posturings. But I am pissed, and I simply wish to point out that you're actually starting to sound like a charicature of ralph, not even a charicature of Windy. Where the fuck are your nice little abbreviations from, Snorton? Boredom with self? It's hard to believe otherwise these days. Lame unlimited; perhaps you need a new tag?
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bamba: You like the attention.
You wish. I am in an office right now with little else to do while I wait on periodic updates, so I thought I'd kill some time and post here. I'm actually rather happy you turned up when you did.
quote:When was the last time someone rubbed your nose in the excrement of your own posts?
Erm, the last time I posted here? It might have even been you.
quote:That's why you're bothering. If I wasn't pissed I'd do whatever the world else does on the internet and ignore your shabby little posturings.
So that's your excuse now, eh? You're pissed. As for me, I have no excuse, save that posting this sort of shit improves my mood considerably. I just wish the professor was around, I would have been as happy as Larry.
quote:But I am pissed, and I simply wish to point out that you're actually starting to sound like a charicature of ralph, not even a charicature of Windy.
Windy is now doing television adverts, so leave him out of this. As for Ralph, I haven't bothered reading his posts so I can't say much more about him or his character.
quote:Where the fuck are your nice little abbreviations from, Snorton? Boredom with self? It's hard to believe otherwise these days. Lame unlimited; perhaps you need a new tag?
You really are pissed, aren't you? Abbreviations? What the hell are you babbling on about?
[ 30.09.2005, 19:26: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Right. Back on-topic, now.
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
We had a topic?
/froopyscot
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Right. Back on-topic, now.
lol. I thought the last part of my first post this evening was topical. Highly suspect, one may argue - but topical.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton:
- Jonesy has a 'fiancé'. Are you a hermeur old chap?
Hippychick did that one, Rick, aboout 200 posts ago.
And, yes.
[ 01.10.2005, 03:05: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
dp
[ 01.10.2005, 03:04: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Happy black history month, everybody!
Posted by discodamage (Member # 66) on :
yesterday i was walking past bristol cathedral and i actually heard a jamaican man say 'winstaaaan!'. to his friend, winston, who was walking towards him. poor winston, the last 20 years must have been hell for him.
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
Fuck, I've missed this place. I'm going to have check it out more often when I get a chance.
Did I ever mention I have a passing interest in Romans, by the way?
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Happy black history month, everybody!
Happy black what? Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
From the website:
quote: Black History Month (BHM) is held every October in Britain. The aims are to:
Promote knowledge of Black History and experience Disseminate information on positive Black contributions to British Society Heighten the confidence and awareness of Black people in their cultural heritage.
The origins of BHM go back to 1926 when Carter G Woodson, editor for thirty years of the Journal of Negro History, established African Caribbean celebrations in America. It is still celebrated there in February each year. In Britain, the BHM has now grown to over 1400 events.
The focus on African and Caribbean heritage pre-dates the work of London Strategic Policy Unit who, as part of the African Jubilee year in 1987, helped to establish the event.
People from our community have been promoting our arts and culture for many years. Examples can be traced to Berry Edwards in Manchester (Caribbean Week in the 70s), or Eric and Jessica Huntley from Ealing who regularly organised a Caribbean week in the late 70s and early 80's, or Alex Pascall who established, on BBC Radio London, the Black Londoners radio programme which went from a monthly, to a weekly, and then to a daily programme.
This site seeks to support the grassroots celebration of our heritage
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Seriously: I don't see the point of all this, and truly believe that this 'black history month' lark is just some excuse to promote some politically correct agenda to a hip-hop beat. What is 'black history', anyway? I was being particularly sarcastic last night, but I cannot think of much else to say beyond what I said.
We can find much to say about European History. We can indulge at length about Asian History. The people from the Middle East and north of the Sahara have left us plenty to read, write and talk about. There is plenty to say about the many native peoples of the American continent. All of these peoples left a legacy: monuments, literature, art. Meanwhile, the cultural history of black Africa can be fitted neatly into a novella.
Europeans can look at the monuments of ancient Rome and Greece; those from the Middle East can look at the Pyramids and the momuments of Persia; Asians can look at India's Taj Mahal or Cambodia's Angkor Wat; and Amerinds can look at the great works of the Inca and Maya peoples. What does black Africa have to offer? A couple of cave-paintings and the spot where the Amistad landed before taking their cargo back across to the New World.
There is nothing there in cultural and human terms, and hence it has to be reinvented so that the poor old blacks don't get left out. There are some great things to see in black Africa, don't get me wrong - but most if not all of these things were either built by nature, Arabs or Europeans. Only this explains why Dan Cruikshank didn't venture south of the Sahara on his epic Around the World in 80 Treasures journey. The only African countries he visited were Ethiopia, Mali, Libya and Egypt - all of which were the domain of the Arabs and Berbers.
If Cruikshank's list of treasures isn't enough, just have a look at the UNESCO World Heritage sites list and make up your own mind. David Attenborough would have a field day, but poor old Michael Palin, looking for this great cultural relic of some lost empire, would be left looking like a bit of a clown. Curiously, during his own 80-day journey around the world, Palin missed out black Africa as well. Hell, he must be a racist or something; maybe, along with Cruikshank, Palin should be forced to spend the next month learning about 'black history' so they can see what they missed out on in a world that is otherwise best-known for inspiring Joseph Conrad's best-known work. Hell, I might well ask the BBC if they might be able commission a programme where I can go with a camera crew and show the world all of the secret ancient treasures this hidden part of the planet has to offer. If we all make it through, it could be aired during next year's BHM - Journey into the Heart of Darkness: in the footsteps of Mr. Kurtz.
The Net result of black Africa's cultural deficit is 'black history month' - where the rest of us can be regaled, bored or both with the same old stories. Yes, we probably saw it all during the last so-called 'black history month' - Amistad, Windrush, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King. All to the tune of Bob Marley or the So Solid Crew. Prose by Benjamin Zephaniah. Commentary by Darcus Howe, natch.
[ 01.10.2005, 14:04: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
What do you think about multi-culturism, Nort?
I'm not trying to provoke something here, I'm just asking.
[ 01.10.2005, 14:15: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by discodamage (Member # 66) on :
i think the reason why michael palin didnt go to africa is possibly because phileas fogg didnt either. Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: What do you think about multi-culturism, Nort?
Depends how you define the term, really - but the way it is being manifested in this country is a recipe for disaster. This has no particular bearing on my earlier thoughts though, given that what is promoted as 'black culture' is something of an artificial construct anyway.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by discodamage: i think the reason why michael palin didnt go to africa is possibly because phileas fogg didnt either.
Fair point, I suppose - he could just pass the blame onto Jules Verne. Cruikshank has no excuse though.
[ 01.10.2005, 14:26: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Ah, forget it.
[ 01.10.2005, 14:38: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Ah, forget it.
No, come on. Reasonable questions are good.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
My thoughts are that this shit just seperates people. 'Black history month'. What good does that do? I feel that political correctness is nothing but a force for bad, the embodiment of the phrase that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
You want a month? How about being a father to your children month? Or not kill each other over a pair of trainers month? No, lets discuss african drumming instead.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I work with families in Lewisham and sometimes I get pissed off.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: You want a month? How about being a father to your children month? Or not kill each other over a pair of trainers month? No, lets discuss african drumming instead.
Hell m8.
This is something I might have said whilst in my post-midnight madness mode. I couldn't agree more. However I'd say trainers are a little passé these days - mobile 'phones are all the rage, I believe.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
I know I risk being condemned for this, but I can back this stuff up. My brother worked on the commission for gun crime for a year etc etc. It's just how i feel.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
I'd be interested in seeing your evidence - it would be good seeing what someone who is actually working in these areas has to say.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Poo
[ 02.10.2005, 05:01: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
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?
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Luther Blissett
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I'm liking Ralph today.
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