Good evening laydeeeees and gentlemen, and welcome to the first annual TMO Battle Royale, pitting the great and good of TMO against each other in one-on-one mortal combat to the death! This is Chuck Smedley coming to you live from London’s Earls Court! You know the deal ladies and gentlemen, the only rule is, two go in, one comes out! We say bollocks to the Marquess Of Queensbury, this is combat as it should be, brutal, gruesome, and as underhand as possible! The winner of each round goes through, the loser, well they get scraped from the concrete as best as our cleaners can manage, until at the end of the night, the last combatant standing will be crowned Champion Of TMO 2005!! So without any further ado ladies and gentlemen, let’s get the first of tonight’s matches underway! The first match we have for your edification tonight ladies and gentlemen, sees one of the favourites, Thorn “Boner-Thwacker” Davis, up against the fans’ favourite, the man known simply as, “Jonesy”!!!
If you’ll cast your eyes to the far corner of the arena ladies and gentlemen, now emerging from his dressing room, all the way from Wimbledon, resplendent in his customary Slayer t-shirt and jeans, we have Thorn…The Boner-Thwacker…Daaaaavis!! Thorn looks in great shape tonight ladies and gentlemen, I’m told he’s been on a steady diet of Stella and violent porn for the last 48 hours in order to really build up those aggressive instincts! Just look at those forearm muscles ladies and gentlemen, mighty impressive I think you’ll agree!
And now ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, stamp your feet, it’s time for the funnyman’s funnyman! He’ll reply to absolutely anything! Iiiiiits Joooonessy!!! Jonesy’s looking mighty sharp this evening ladies and gentlemen, dressed in a morning suit with no shirt he’s cutting a fine figure indeed!
Okay ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve waited long enough, no more messing about, lets get ready to ruuuummmmble!!
Both combatants look like they’re taking a safety-first approach here, circling each other warily, neither seems to want to make the first move and ..oh..we have some action, a push from Thorn, attempting to assert some authority there, a single-handed shove to Jonesy’s chest and I think, yes we have confirmation from the line judge, there was also a disparaging remark about Jonesy’s manhood thrown in for good measure..
Jonesy looks more aggressive now, that shove has clearly left a crease in his suit and he isn’t happy about that at all, he’s angling for an opening here and, there we have it, the first offensive move from Jonesy, a smart left jab to Thorns abdomen, unfortunately for Jonesy the impact appeared to be completely absorbed by the impressive Stella-belly Thorn has built up for this fight, and he’s responded immediately, a vicious kick to the shins with those heavy DM’s of his, Jonesy’s hobbling a little now, first blood to Thorn here it seems, everything left to fight for though ladies and gentlemen!
The crowd are clearly anxious to see some bloody spilled here, some thoroughly distasteful comments being shouted out is has to be said, mind you it’s just nice that the WI could be here with us to night..
Oh it looks like the WI have got their wish, Jonesy with a devastating headbut to Thorn’s nose there and we have the first claret of the evening ladies and gentlemen, Thorn’s nose a pulped mess now, but he’s coming straight back at Jonesy, his patented windmilling technique clearly has Jonesy rattled here, the funnyman backstepping frantically here to try and avoid this whirling dervish of destruction.. Oh and he’s fallen over, in his haste to escape those flailing limbs he’s tripped on a piece of uneven flooring and is now flat on his back, Jonesy is at Thorn’s mercy here, is it curtains for TMO’s best loved funnyman?
Thorn is fumbling about with his trousers here, what does he have in mind, he, ..I don’t believe it, we’re going to see the infamous boner-thwack ladies and gentlemen, Thorn’s patented move is the stuff of legends, in some countries mothers reputedly use Thorn as a kind of Boogey-man, or should that be Boner-man, ha ha, to scare unruly children, a threat of a visit from Thorn and his boner is enough to cow the bravest of children I’m told. He’s dropping his jeans now and, oh my word, he appears to have had some enhancements made since the last time we saw him, three steel hooks are jutting from each side of what can only be described as a truly fearsome looking boner ladies and gentlemen, if he manages to thwack Jonesy this fight will surely be all over!!!
What’s this though? Jonesy is saying something to Thorn, he appears to be ad-libbing a string of gags here, Thorn is trying his best to ignore him but, yes, we have a smile and, oh my, he’s laughing, Thorn is laughing ladies and gentlemen, and as we all know laughter is the mortal enemy of the boner!! Thorn’s trying hard to stifle his giggles but it’s no good, his boner is dropping at a rate of knots here ladies and gentlemen, from a fearsome weapon of ass destruction to a shrivelled Christmas tree bauble in moments, Thorn needs to do something to regain his composure now! He’s rummaging in his coat ladies and gentlemen, he’s pulling out…a copy of Mayfair ladies and gentlemen! Thorn has a copy of Mayfair, he may just have saved this one after all it seems, he’s going straight for the centre-fold here, no time to be wasted, he’s, what’s this??! The centrefold appears to have been defaced! Someone has drawn a comedy glasses and moustache combination on the centre fold, Thorn’s flicking through the pages in desperation now…EVERY page has been defaced ladies and gentlemen, this is unbelievable!! Who could have done such a , wait, what’s that up there in the rafters? It’s Teflon!! The Dark Knight of the Knob Gag is here, resplendent in his suit of LOLs and a silver pair of fake breasts!! This rivalry between Thorn and Teflon stretches back months ladies and gentlemen, apparently Thorn accused Teflon of not being funny, Teflon has a very long memory it seems!
And wait, what on earth is happening now? While Thorn was distracted by Teflon’s unscheduled appearance Jonesy has made a break for that tarpaulin covered object in the far corner of the arena, what could it conceal? …It’s a wheelchair ladies and gentlemen, Jonesy is climbing into the wheelchair, it looks like it made have had some modifications made to it, that looks like the signature of the one and only Ringo The Mod Master on the side, I wonder what tricks it has up it’s sleeves?
Jonesy is driving the wheelchair towards the still distracted Thorn now, he’s maintaining a fair pace but it’s hard to see how he’s going to win the fight simply by bruising Thorn’s shins?
Thorn has noticed what’s going on now! He’s focussed his attention back on Jonesy and he looks as bemused as the rest of us! Thorn is shouting something now, it’s hard to make out quite what he’s saying but that sounded like something regarding a thread about sandwiches?? Surely I must have misheard? But wait, Jonesy looks apoplectic with rage now, and he’s reaching for those controls on the arm of the wheelchair, he presses a button and, dear god! Metal blades have just extended from the wheels of the chair, if he can just catch up with Thorn this could be devastating! And now he’s pressing a second button, it’s NOS!!! That’s Ringo’s doing and no mistake, Jonesy has ignited a Nitrous Oxide booster and now he rockets towards Thorn, who looks like a rabbit in the headlights, paralysed by terror and..oooooohhh, that’s going to take some cleaning up and no mistake… Jonesy has just severed Thorn’s legs just above the knee, and the one-time boner thwacker of Croydon is now writhing helplessly in the middle of the arena, if Jonesy goes for a second run here Thorn is done for, he’s a sitting duck out there..
Here we go, Jonesy has turned round and is going for the kill, and … well, there we have it..the first match of the night and already an upset, Jonesy progresses triumphantly to the next round and Thorn, well lets just say it’s going to take a good bit of hosing to get the arena clean for the next fight…
So as Jonesy does a lap of honor in his turbo-charged wheelchair, and our cleaners get to work on trying to clean up all that blood, we’re going to take a quick advert break before our next matchup…
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
*bravo*
Posted by OJ (Member # 752) on :
Fantastico.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Physic: before our next matchup…
There had so better be a next matchup.
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
Not right now I'm afraid ralph, that took a while to write so I need to get some work done, I was hoping other people would come up with other fights, if not I might try and come up with another this weekend, we'll see. Thought it was about time I put some effort in..
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
Well done indeed! I am hoping the lack of posts from Joensy and Benwai mean they are typing up their battles as you read this.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm not sure how I feel about attacking thorn with a wheelchair but great post Physic.
[ 28.10.2005, 11:13: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Excellent
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Nice work, Physic
I've been in a meeting, being a valuble member of the team. I put ideas on the table, gave and received feedback, agreed to action some things, and fantasised about violent murder. So, this post is pretty much just what I needed.
Posted by Doctor Agamemnon When (Member # 189) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: I've been in a meeting, being a valuble member of the team. I put ideas on the table, gave and received feedback, agreed to action some things, and fantasised about violent murder. So, this post is pretty much just what I needed.
Come on, come on... I only need "Thinking Outside The Box" for a line...
![[Smile]](smile.gif)