Mad quiet. Fucking hell, it's like a spacewalk. I'm trying to use TMO as an excuse to stop work but there's nothing to distract me. If this is what everyone going on the wagon does to the internet then pour me another, Lloyd. You set 'em up and I'll knock 'em back. All work and no play makes Jonesy a dull boy.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:01: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
yeh it is right amazing - not even any chate in GAYMES.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:16: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
On this day in 2004, you made the following post, not...
quote::thumbsup
Those were the days, eh?
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I'm here, I posted and it picked up for like 20 minutes and then dropped off..
Let's see the stats for today, yup slowest day ever FACT.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Yeh, meh... lets celebrate the death of the Moon by looking at the Dead forum
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Is it a holiday ? Are people bored of the internet ?
Even Sunday gone had more hits..
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Also on this day in 2004, Boy Racer started a thread called Disco to say....
quote:...I've left my mobile at home.
That is all.
We don't make 'em like we used to.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:"Have anal sex with her?"
jonesy999 - posted 21-03-2003 03:26
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Sod this, I'm going to watch Pocoyo and then Countdown.. It's not the same since Richard died, but it helps dull the pain..
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Tell that miserable cow Merlot over on handbag.com that she is a fat stuck up bitch! I had the misfortune to meet her once at a handbag meet last year and she was so pompous and stuck up and kept having a go at me! It was her that got the other at that handbag meet to gang up on me and resulted in me being ostrasised at the meet and on the boards!
Harlequin Sponsored by Rohypnol® - posted 25-06-2003 21:13
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
I'm moving to Spain in two weeks time, I'd be happy to talk about that if you like?
or Wales v England on Saturday?
perhaps 'Penis Envy' on Ch4 tonight?
or more drunk related chate?
Yeah well, thats my life summed up good an proper, silence looking lke a better option at the mo.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
On this date in 2004, exciting newbie anno starting a thread with the following post:
quote:Can't believe i have time for another cup of tea. Usually i am leaving the house in a frenzied state but this morning i am starting to feel like i have all the time in the world.
So that will be a Lady Grey for me this morning. One more cuppa and i should be off to grace the pavements again in my new boots. Hopefully i will not be slipping and sliding like yesterday.
Hello to all at TMO.
anno
It's changed around here. When did we lose our 'edge'?
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
fuck me, I'm like a thread death squad recently. Now I know how London feels.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
The Perfect Penis (Channel 4 tonight). Apparently it's normal length, normal girth but turns into a Mars bar during rag week...
[ 30.01.2006, 10:26: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
Yet I knew anal wouldn't be far behind.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vanilla Online Persona: anal - behind.
fnar
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
How big is the perfect penis? I mean, is it always a case of the bigger, the better?
Come on girls, we need to know.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: Harlequin Sponsored by Rohypnol® - posted 25-06-2003 21:13
Did Harlequin ever actually endorse rape in any way? As I remember it all he ever said was that he felt he could understand why people did it, which isn't actually the same thing at all.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: yeh it is right amazing - not even any chate in GAYMES.
Urban Dead died...
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Did Harlequin ever actually endorse rape in any way? As I remember it all he ever said was that he felt he could understand why people did it, which isn't actually the same thing at all.
No doubt that information is still on here somewhere.. I think the current forum goes back to November 2003 ??
[Didn't he say women were asking for it if they dressed in a sexy way or something similar ?]
[ 30.01.2006, 10:30: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
I'm here, like, but having to do "work".
I was thinking maybe the forum was ending up like an old married couple ie they don't actually have conversations any more, as there's nothing they haven't already discussed. Then I thought of my nan and grandad having the same predictable conversation about peeling spuds, and now I really fancy some roast potatoes.
How do you actually make roast potatoes?
Edit: both potatos and potatoes look wrong to me, but apparently it does have an e.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:32: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
the trick is hot goose fat
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: How do you actually make roast potatos?
OVEN ROASTED GARLIC POTATOES
3/4 lb. red potatoes 1 tbsp. olive oil Salt and pepper 6 garlic cloves 1/4 tsp. dried rosemary crumbled
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Cut potatoes 1 1/2 inch wide wedges. Combine potatoes, garlic, oil and rosemary in 8 inch baking dish. Season with salt and pepper. Roast until potatoes are tender and crusty, cover in oven, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes. Serves 2, can be doubled or tripled.
Mmmmm.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
On this day in 1948, Ben started a thread called GANDHI DEAD!!!!
quote:This just off the wires - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, the political and spiritual leader of the Indian independence movement, has been assassinated in New Delhi by a Hindu fanatic.
He's gone, h8ERZ! You've killed him
Believing the librarian to be up to his usual tricks, no one believed him. 69 Comback Elvis From The Future posted a spoof handy, bendy Ghandi advert and Thorn Davis phoned the Indian Embassy in London to order a takeaway. Everyone made bald jokes until Amy posted "Ben isn't lying. It's so sad."
[ 30.01.2006, 10:39: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Well, I part boil nice spuds (Maris Pipers) with three cloves of garlic, then drain, remove garlic cloves and put potatoes into a roasting tray containing hot olive oil with plenty of salt and pepper and a large sprig of rosemary.
Roast for 30/40 minutes turning halfway through till golden brown (gas 6/7).
Serve with a horseradish mayonaise.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:39: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
My Saturday Night
Went round to friends for food. A bit impromptu - 2 couples plus me. Both couples have at least one cat.
What ensued: 3 hours of them all talking about cats. I don't have a cat. I'm allergic to cats.
Then host and wife had a proper argument about something completely random.
Then I left.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Brian Peppers still loves us..
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Fucking hell - what do you have in your kitchen? Is this like the giant sun in the palm of your hand that Dr Octopus makes in Spider-Man 2?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Nice spuds, though.
Saturday, I mean.
This post is sponsored by the year of the Great Drought
[ 30.01.2006, 10:37: Message edited by: H1ppychick ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Fucking hell - what do you have in your kitchen? Is this like the giant sun in the palm of your hand that Dr Octopus makes in Spider-Man 2?
Noooo...it's an oven. An oven.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Ralph, after opening the oven without a welding mask. Nice tatties, though.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
On the subject of TMO's deadness, Elvis, GodRestHisSoul, once writ this:
but I never really paid no neverminds. But it is, isn’t it. Dead. Anyways, is there anything I can do? I mean, I’m not prolific. Never have been. Look down there. Not there, there. That’s it. Not much of a post count is it. When everybody else is bringing cool picture tags to the party. I’m never going to be prolific, so don’t say “yeah, you can post more you big wet fuck” because it won’t help. And I’m terrible at starting threads. Jonesy knows this because he remembers back in the day when I used to start threads and even he couldn’t be bothered to reply. That’s how back in the day that was. I’m pretty terrible at funny at the minute also because I’ve been on a diet and I haven’t drunk for like two whole weeks and I haven’t smoked for like three whole weeks. That sucks, by the way. Dieting. I’ve lost weight, which is nice, I guess. I’m back out of snug and back into comfortable. Uh-huh. I’ve not lost a lot. How’s the smoking going? Well I wish I’d never started because giving up is quite tricksy, even if you hire an old lady to sit next to you and cough up blood. It’s made double tricksy if you’re good at it, like I am. Was. Like I was. And your brain starts going “hey but you can smoke one with a pint because you haven’t smoked any for ages and one is just like the amount of secondary smoke people who go out all the time absorb and you don’t go out hardly ever anymore SO SMOKE IT YOU BIG WET FUCK!”. I’m starting to hate my brain and I’m spending entirely too much time in its company. I also hate my want. Why? Why do I want a new thing when I have a perfectly good thing. It doesn’t matter what that thing is, by the way. Who needs a phone with a camera? No fucker that’s who. Until they put a camera in a phone and then every fucker, that’s who. Because every fucker knows a fucker with a camera in their phone and blah. Cue ben saying “ebbe fook, tha’d not need more than string anuh poly cup if ah rant worle.” Yeah. Well, yeah. Maybe. But you don’t and I have consumerism. I’m going to start drinking again tonight by the way. And anyone who says “oo why do you all go on about how much alcohol you drink? It’s not big or clever” gets teabagged. It is big and clever and romantic in a totally rock way. Also I am well behind in my work AND football was cancelled this week for the second week running AND nobody wants to go walking with me this weekend not even my son who wants to have friends over even after I explained that his mother had promised me that children liked walking with parents and that’s why we had him. AND I watched a worthy arts programme on BBC4 last night instead of my usual array of stuff the Guardian likes to poke fun at. AND it was shit. AND I met Phillipa Forrester the other day but like what’s the fucking point in that? AND AND AND.
AND none of you lot are helping.
YOU FUCKS.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I could tell you about how I broke up with my boyfriend. And about how I am probably going to live in a house with 3 boys, which seems like madness to me. But what can one do?
I am keen on getting an ant farm as well.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
One day all women will have an ant farm and men will cease to exist.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Thorn, I think he means 450 American degrees. There's 31degrees in a yowl, 19 yowls in a sear etc. It's how they measured stuff in the olden dayes.
I'm pretty disturbed that two people have mentioned garlic in association with England's finest dish. Sickos.
But seriously, you don't boil the spuds to soften them up first or anything- they just sit in a dish with oil for ages? Not sure I could wait 45 mins for my dinner. Edit- just saw that Darryn part boils his. Surely that means you have to wait even longer for your food! Last week, Thorn was practically weeping in the kitchen, as he clutched the packaging and begged of his pizza what's wrong with you? because it had been in the oven four minutes and wasn't ready yet.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:44: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
Par-boil first. yes indeedy. And no garlic. Garlic is only for Satanists and the French.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Here, these are the Countdown letters Voderman just pulled out:
D S L D A E O M E
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
On this day in 1965 Black mask linked to a BBC story which read:
quote:Thousands of people have paid their last respects to Britain's greatest wartime leader, Sir Winston Churchill, who was buried today after a full state funeral.
Highlights of the thread included Rick J describing the former wartime PM as "That fat Jew", the brief emergence of a sub-standard troll called Winnie-Through-The-Ouija-Board - who could only post 'Yes' or 'No' - and Black Mask's guide to the best cigar houses not destroyed by Jerry.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
After par-boiling, but before the roasting, try roughing the spuds up a bit by shaking them about in your pan / colander for that crispy finish.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Goose fat is the way forward.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Here, these are the Countdown letters Voderman just pulled out:
D S L D A E O M E
Dead Moles
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
With flour.
This post is sponsored by the Brixton Village Silver Jubilee Fair, in wot I won the dressing-up race
[ 30.01.2006, 10:53: Message edited by: H1ppychick ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
That's right - add rock salt while shaking, that'll give 'em a bit o crispness too.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Fuck all that. what's the most unusual thing anyone ahs ever stuck their penis into?
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Also on this day in 2004, Boy Racer started a thread called Disco to say....
quote:...I've left my mobile at home.
That is all.
And she didn't even see the message until it was irrelevant. That was a good day.
Trying to work out if I'm a Satanist or French, or possibly both. It would certainly explain alot.
[ 30.01.2006, 10:57: Message edited by: Boy Racer ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Or even Honey-Roast Sweet Potatoes
The peppery fragrance of the ginger enhances the flavour of the honeyed roots. Try serving as a starter, with endive or radicchio, or ring the changes with chunks of squash, parsnip or carrot.
Honey and ginger glaze 3 tbsp honey 1 orange, juiced and zest grated 2 tbsp grated fresh ginger 1 tsp finely chopped red chilli (fresh or dried) Salt to taste
Instructions Preheat the oven to 200°C/gas mark 6.
Cook the potato slices in boiling salted water for about 15 minutes, until nearly tender - they take a little longer than ordinary potatoes. Meanwhile, mix together the ingredients for the glaze and leave beside the stove for the flavours to mingle.
Drain the potatoes, arrange them in an oiled baking dish and trickle with the glaze, turning the pieces to make sure all are coated. Roast for 20-30 minutes, until caramelised and sticky. Serve hot.
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
A prop forward called Tim. Goose fat came in handy that day I can tell you.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Goose fat is the way forward.
Simply smear it on your pipe and pump that rectum until you can feel the fat fizzing on your flesh sheathe. When it begins to burn, hang on in there and ride the pain until you're just about to cum, then whip her out and, voila, you'll be pumping your play dough into a crispy, roast cockle. What food and fuck lover could resist?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Nice spuds, though.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: Fuck all that. what's the most unusual thing anyone ahs ever stuck their penis into?
Moira Stewart.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
More Countdown:
R I N A J T I N O
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I got that one from Grossman. Who said he can't cook?
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: Fuck all that. what's the most unusual thing anyone ahs ever stuck their penis into?
A jar of strawberry jam, I got a pip up my pee hole.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
*Here's an interesting review of some limited edition "holiday season" fizzy pop:
[ 30.01.2006, 10:57: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R:
quote:Originally posted by not...: Fuck all that. what's the most unusual thing anyone ahs ever stuck their penis into?
A jar of strawberry jam, I got a pip up my pee hole.
Did it..work?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Goddd. I'm starving now.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...:
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R:
quote:Originally posted by not...: Fuck all that. what's the most unusual thing anyone ahs ever stuck their penis into?
A jar of strawberry jam, I got a pip up my pee hole.
Did it..work?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Not... Did it..work?
You mean did a strawberry bush flower from his little grow-bag slit and did he then sell salty fruit to hatchet-faced Henman fans at Wimbledon and laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh?
Jesus, Not, there are some things you just don't ask a person.
[ 30.01.2006, 11:02: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
[ 30.01.2006, 11:22: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Did what work ?
Jamming it in the jar worked, well double worked really..
I got a good licking from my then GF and my scrounging flat mate who the next day pinched my food to make his breakfast made extra sticky jam on toast with added crunchy pubes.
[ 30.01.2006, 11:04: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
A Wellington boot filled with your own spunk and left by the fire for an hour is pretty much guaranteed to get you off.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I got that one from Holmes.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Eammon, not John.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Not Sherlock.
[ 30.01.2006, 11:06: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
[ 30.01.2006, 11:22: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Numbers game:
2 8 9 1 5 25 - Target 286
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I have a whole new mental outlook on several of you now.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: 2. Toilet Roll Surprisingly not wide enough for my girth, needed to be cut along top. Chafed. More of an experiment than an erotic experience. 1/10
That's because Blue Peter was aimed at children, dude. I don't think Leslie Judd expected you to wait that long to try it out.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Numbers game:
2 8 9 1 5 25 - Target 286
Take the 2 and the 8 put them together and you get 28 now add 1+5 = 6 put it next to the 28 = 286
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Numbers game:
2 8 9 1 5 25 - Target 286
Easy. (25+1)*(2+9)
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: I have a whole new mental outlook on several of you now.
Oh come on, chicks are always sticking things up themselves.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I didn't say I wasn't a filthy perve too.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Numbers game:
2 8 9 1 5 25 - Target 286
2 + 9 = 11 1 + 25 = 26
26 x 11 = 286
*shows Darryn his workings-out to prove he didn't just copy the others*
[ 30.01.2006, 11:13: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Too slow, Misc-boy. I win - FACT.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
[ 30.01.2006, 11:21: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I just want to fuck a melon. Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Bored now.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
My fault, sorry.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
C'mon, not. What's #4?
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Well no one else apart from Darryn is saying so I'll stop now
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Darryn. Get ready with that conundrum.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
So forum - what shall I do tonight?
a) trawl through Ikea for a cheap chest of drawers for the spare room b) go to the gym c) sit on my arse watching tv.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Darryn. Get ready with that conundrum.
I missed it myself.. Beckett was tring to ram his head into the fruit machine..
[ 30.01.2006, 11:31: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
x
[ 31.01.2006, 14:33: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I was fooling around with my battery-operated RC truck. It was upside down and has little bumps on the tires of the truck. I wanted to know how it felt on my cock, so I tried it for a little bit. Unfortunately, it gradually caused me to bleed on the head of my cock. You can barely see the scar now, but it wasn't smart using my RC truck. It hurt and I never did it again!
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
lol
quote:With magnets
One time I put two neodymium magnets on each side of my scrotum. They slammed together and the magnetic force was so tremendous I couldn't remove them without tools. I took two pairs of pliers and pulled like hell. They came off but I couldn't feel my sack until the next day, when it hurt like hell.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
That was a nice little burst of energy wasn't it? It's how I'd imagine sex to be as you get older - all that pumping unsustainable enthusiasm. A few crazy minutes of bucking up and down doing 'Vivien press-ups' and saying "Oh yeah!" through a mouthful of lady jowl, then you're spent - all sweaty and embarrassed, elbow drawing across you beer gut in shame, fingers tiptoeing towards the relief of the light switch and the sanctuary of darkness. Nothing to say to one another. Yeah, that's how I'd imagine it.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
That site has some useful info on it. I also like the secret meaning of Halloween costumes
quote:Pimp – Guys who dress up like pimps are often masking insecurities about their masculinity or sexuality. They want other people to see them as a player with wealth, power, and command over women, when in fact they are weak, ineffectual, or simply shy.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
This is also useful, at least it is for weird people, like Satanists and the French.
quote: How to queef
For women who want to queef at will, we recommend the following technique. Get completely undressed from the waist down. Lie down on your bed or the floor (the bed will probably be more comfortable). Put your legs up in the air and spread them. Reach between your legs and spread your labia apart with your fingers so you feel the breeze on your pussy. Relax your pelvic and vaginal muscles as much as possible. It may help to do a few Kegel exercises, where you clench and hold your vaginal muscles and then release them.
When you’re ready and relaxed, roll back on your shoulders and raise your legs up higher and spread them wider. Push down with your pelvic muscles. Inhale deeply, then exhale sharply from your diaphragm (the diaphragm in your ribcage, not the diaphragm in your pussy). The forceful exhalations will help suck air into your pussy. Repeat this several times and you may queef in the upright position. Otherwise, try it until you feel like you have some air in there and then quickly bring your legs together and lower them. This should produce a queef.
[ 30.01.2006, 11:46: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
*bangs side of monitor twice. TMO remains odd*
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hey Roy, can you answer this poser:
quote:Dear RSA, My roommate goes out with a lot of different girls. He apparently picked up crabs from one of them. He used some special soap and said he got rid of them, but now I'm starting to feel all itchy too. Am I just being paranoid? It's not like I ever touched him or anything, or wore his underwear. Could his fleas have hopped onto me? Tad, U. of Michigan
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999:
quote: How to queef
For women who want to queef at will, we recommend the following technique. Get completely undressed from the waist down. Lie down on your bed or the floor (the bed will probably be more comfortable). Put your legs up in the air and spread them. Reach between your legs and spread your labia apart with your fingers so you feel the breeze on your pussy. Relax your pelvic and vaginal muscles as much as possible. It may help to do a few Kegel exercises, where you clench and hold your vaginal muscles and then release them.
When you’re ready and relaxed, roll back on your shoulders and raise your legs up higher and spread them wider. Push down with your pelvic muscles. Inhale deeply, then exhale sharply from your diaphragm (the diaphragm in your ribcage, not the diaphragm in your pussy). The forceful exhalations will help suck air into your pussy. Repeat this several times and you may queef in the upright position. Otherwise, try it until you feel like you have some air in there and then quickly bring your legs together and lower them. This should produce a queef.
Well it beats sitting on your arse watching tv. And IKEA, natch.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
No matter how hard I think on it, I don't think I've ever put my tiddler anywhere other than the usual places (mouth, hand, fanny [US & UK]). It's simply never occurred to me to try anything else.
I did once use toothpaste to lubricate it. Man, that was a mistake. I felt like the end had been put in a cigar chopper; this freezing burn shooting up my groin and me trying to suppress a scream so no-one in the family came running to help. So. Toothpaste is a big no-no. I bet it tasted nice, mind, but as I was only 14 I couldn't find anyone willing to take advntage of the mistake.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I haven't put mine anywhere other than inside human beings. I feel a bit vanilla. I am in the house alone, though. Can anyone suggest a household object they would like me to enter and then report back here about?
[ 30.01.2006, 11:57: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Hey Roy, can you answer this poser:
quote:Dear RSA, My roommate goes out with a lot of different girls. He apparently picked up crabs from one of them. He used some special soap and said he got rid of them, but now I'm starting to feel all itchy too. Am I just being paranoid? It's not like I ever touched him or anything, or wore his underwear. Could his fleas have hopped onto me? Tad, U. of Michigan
Dear Tad,
Your roomate is fucking you in your sleep. He has made you, to use the prison slang, "his bitch".
You can only be straight again if you murder him. The more gruesome the murder the more hetrosexual you will be.
Love Roy
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Can anyone suggest a household object they would like me to enter an then report back here about?
Between the cushions of your sofa.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
What about in the toaster? Can you get it in the toaster?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Your letterbox (from inside to out).
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Are we talking about willies? We talk about willies a lot at the moment.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Does anyone want to see my tunnels?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Way to time a post, Louche. Kudos.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
How did it go, Jonesy? Or are you still thrusting?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Maybe he's trapped.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Right-oh, I'm off home to practice my queefing.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
God! You're right. Some letterboxes have dangerously taut springs...
Poor Jonesy. What will the neighbours think?
ETA: Good luck, HC. Let us know how you get on.
[ 30.01.2006, 12:20: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Do you remember that mountain climber who had to cut off his trapped arm with a penknife?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Should we call an ambulance?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Between the cushions of your sofa.
The leather was cold at first and I was concerned that its low temperature would rob me of the tools necessary for my review, however, I soon found that the leather on the underside of the cushion only extends for about four inches, a band of yellow stitching dividing its coldness from a softer, warmer material, almost velvety in comparison. This was much more pleasurable. Sliding between the two gave me a variety of sensations: at the stem of my probe (cock), the cool, unyielding rigidity of the hide; further down, the warm give of a more malleable fabric, caressing what I am not ashamed to admit is a highly sensitive, nay fragile, bellend. All in all, the process took around 10 minutes to reach completion. Had the floor been a more forgiving carpet with underlay, rather than a knee-bruising hard wood, I believe I could have shaved a minute off that time. My biggest complaint would be that the softer fabric was far the more absorbent materiel, forcing me to pull out at the last moment and empty my account onto the more tolerant, wipe-clean leather.
And bonus, I hoovered up thirty seven pence in loose change, an eyebrow pencil and two wotsits with my oriental chap's eye. Not bad. 6/10.
[ 30.01.2006, 12:36: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Depends. Does he have a doorbell? If not, they make knock on the letterbox.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'll have to wait for the toaster and the letterbox. I'm not 18 anymore.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
See, TMO? See what Jonesy is prepared to do just so you have something to read? Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'm just glad he's ok.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Are you not entertained? Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: See, TMO? See what Jonesy is prepared to do just so you have something to read?
To be honest, it wasn't that much of a sacrifice.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
What gauge are your tunnels Louche? Or is it and related.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
ant.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
What?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Nope, kids, your monitor ain't broke! This really is TMO!
[ 30.01.2006, 12:50: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: What?
What gauge is your tunnel?
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
looks like we have a twitcher here
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
I'm still here...sort of. I don't use the internet at work - don't have access by my request. That way I can't be had up for surfing. Ever.
I take a look during the evenings, but these days I spend them trying to think of things R*man to make money out of.
Almost there...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Stefanos:
I take a look during the evenings, but these days I spend them trying to think of things R*man to make money out of.
Bumming can raise a few pounds.
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Bumming can raise a few pounds.
Oh, Jonesy.
[ 30.01.2006, 13:54: Message edited by: Stefanos ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I know - classic misconception, right?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
TMO reminds me of school at the moment.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Haha Stefanos, I nominate... sorry, force of habit; I meant, Haha Stefanos, I have found the proof to rebut your denial. I knew it was hidden in TMO somewhere.
quote:This from Adam Hearts Davis (4ever) on BBCi's history website.
When the Roman army invaded Britain in force in the spring of 43 AD, they brought with them technology that must have astonished the native Celts. To begin with, the Roman weapons were far better; they had good swords, spears and several machines to throw missiles. However, even more astonishing would have been the Romans' attitude towards physical intimacy. Prior to the Roman invasion, native Britains had experimented little in the arena of sexual intercourse. Heterosexual love was a constant and any deviation from what today we term "the missionary position" was practically unheard of. Typically intercourse would take place on an earthy floor, perhaps covered by a thin layer of straw. This frequently led to sexual related diseases such as 'digger's pail' and 'hayminge'. Sex for reasons other than procreation was uncommon; indeed, many women would give birth to whole litters of children, sometimes numbering up to 19 or 20, to avoid any further uncomfortable sexual liaisons. Many of these children were lost or eaten but, still, a healthy litter in double figures would often spare a husband and wife many years of painful fucking.
The arrival of the Roman army soon changed sexual practices out of all recognition. They brought with them prefabricated boudoirs, soft, deep rugs, slippery lubricants and intoxicating balms pillaged from Egypt. Bone shoe horns hung from their necks on taught leather chords which doubled as makeshift bonds. Philosophers and poets hypnotized the uneducated natives with sweet words and complicated arguments, while soldiers bound rebels to advanced oak bedsteads before parting their reluctant legs with a hand cranked machines called Homoamplus Bellows . Rump houses sprang up in towns and villages, young boys hanging from hooks in their windows. Formerly upstanding members of the community became avid practitioners of bumsexing. Those embracing the new regime were favourably rewarded with land and dogs. It soon became impossible to trade so much as a vegetable without, at the very least, first rimming both buyer and vendor. Small pockets of butch women remained in villages to perform analingus on soldiers and wealthy land lords but most females were ghettoized to make room for homosexing hostels and mud baths.
A golden age of Romasexualism began only to be cruelly cut short. Trouble brewed on the horizon and there followed a tempest the Romans couldn't possibly have predicted even in their kinkiest fantasies
DOT DOT DOT
[ 30.01.2006, 14:13: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
So this ant farm. Do they send a queen? Or do you only have ants for the duration of an ant lifespan? I guess if you did get a queen they would just breed and breed until there was many ants and no blue goo, then there would be mass famine and death. Maybe cannibalism. But ultimately species extinction.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
There was a film I saw once where there was this place in the desert and these boffins were studying these ants but then the ants began to study them instead.
Just be careful with ants, that's all I'm saying.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: There was a film I saw once where there was this place in the desert and these boffins were studying these ants but then the ants began to study them instead.
Did one of them sound like Woody Allen?
Posted by Stefanos (Member # 53) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: When the Roman army invaded Britain in force in the spring of 43 AD, they brought with them technology that must have astonished the native Celts...
Hey! That's not bad! You mind if I quote this on my new website?
Might get a few new recruits out of this beauty!
[ 30.01.2006, 14:41: Message edited by: Stefanos ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It's all yours.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: There was a film I saw once where there was this place in the desert and these boffins were studying these ants but then the ants began to study them instead.
Just be careful with ants, that's all I'm saying.
It was called Phase IV. I can't believe someone else saw and remembered that movie. Do you have the other half of this amulet, Roy?
ETA Roman numerals.
[ 30.01.2006, 14:56: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
*high fives ralph*
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
Anybody see that cock prog on ch4 last night? It made me ashamed to be a bloke.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: I could tell you about how I broke up with my boyfriend. And about how I am probably going to live in a house with 3 boys, which seems like madness to me. But what can one do?
That's tough, but on the plus side everyone knows that apart from the smell, boys are easier to live with than girls.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
My ants are all working ants. Industrious little fucks they are, too. Tunneling day and night and night and day. They'll do that for about three months, then they'll die. Then you get more ants. But in Spring the ants will no longer be hibernating, so I shall dig them out of the garden and bag a queen. These are prize possessions in the ant farming world you know. The ant farming world is a terribly shadowy place, full of ant obsessed individuals bartering for good tunnellers and selling their souls for productive queens.
Also, apparently, bloogoo ants farms are for rank amateurs and Real Hard Ant Farmers build giant constructions from Peruvian Mad Ant compost in their back gardens.
Everyone should have an ant farm, though. They are resolutely ace things.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vanilla Online Persona: Anybody see that cock prog on ch4 last night? It made me ashamed to be a bloke.
I saw two minutes where some bald guy was banging on about how kids at school called him maggot cock or something and how it'd fucked his whole life up since..
I'm going to download it, was it that bad ??
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
quote:Originally posted by Abby: I could tell you about how I broke up with my boyfriend. And about how I am probably going to live in a house with 3 boys, which seems like madness to me. But what can one do?
That's tough, but on the plus side everyone knows that apart from the smell, boys are easier to live with than girls.
Apart from the smell, the mess and the laziness.
Hope things are going ok, Abby.
Louche: I saw this hideous but compelling wildlife programme about ants the other night. I can't remember what species they were, but they were the ant equivalent of the German army in 1939 in terms of ruthless military zeal. They made their nest out of themselves ie the walls were made out of ants standing in formation. In the middle of the nest sat the bloated slut-queen, who did nothing but eat and pop out zillions of eggs, which had been fertilised by a hapless male who had to pull off his own wings in order to squeeze into the orgy chamber, and died after frantic shagging. In order to feed their growing empire, the ants set out on brilliant campaigns to ravage the surrounding area. Any insect or small bird in their path got swarmed, overwhelmed and sliced up into carriable chunks, to be transported back. When they reached a stream, they simply built a bridge out of themselves and raced over looking for their next kill.
If they ever decide to take on the human race, we are totally fucked.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: If they ever decide to take on the human race, we are totally fucked.
Shit yes however would we fare against a species that could build walls and bridges. I know you like to play-act at the ridiculous myth that nature is a force beyond our control, but the truth is every single species on the planet needs to recognise that it is only able to survive because we allow it.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I can't remember what species they were.
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: ..German army...ruthless military zeal...ants standing in formation...growing empire...brilliant campaigns
Those are 'army ants' but, y'know, I can see how that might've slipped your mind there.
[ 31.01.2006, 06:37: Message edited by: Louche ]
Posted by Vanilla Online Persona (Member # 301) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R:
quote:Originally posted by Vanilla Online Persona: Anybody see that cock prog on ch4 last night? It made me ashamed to be a bloke.
I saw two minutes where some bald guy was banging on about how kids at school called him maggot cock or something and how it'd fucked his whole life up since..
I'm going to download it, was it that bad ??
It will make you despair of being a man Daz. We're pathetic.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche:
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I can't remember what species they were.
Those are 'army ants' but, y'know, I can see how that might've slipped your mind there.
Army ant isn't a species, you retard.
[ 31.01.2006, 06:44: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Nah, I've just checked and it was a Natural World docu, and they were African driver ants.
Here is a male one surrounded by worker drones:
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Nah, I've just checked and it was a Natural World docu, and they were African driver ants.
gulp! Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
They are very cool, army ants, there's a badly written but amusing/horrifying story about them here.
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
There was an episode of McGuyver where this guy got eaten by army ants. I watched it when I was about 4 and it scared the living shit out of me.
I met a girl from Cape Town a few years ago who is still terrified of ants after seeing that particular episode when she was young. Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson. Damn you to hell.
Scary ants!! Posted by George the Robot (Member # 681) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I saw this hideous but compelling wildlife programme about ants the other night. I can't remember what species they were, but they were the ant equivalent of the German army in 1939 in terms of ruthless military zeal. They made their nest out of themselves ie the walls were made out of ants standing in formation. In the middle of the nest sat the bloated slut-queen, who did nothing but eat and pop out zillions of eggs, which had been fertilised by a hapless male who had to pull off his own wings in order to squeeze into the orgy chamber, and died after frantic shagging. In order to feed their growing empire, the ants set out on brilliant campaigns to ravage the surrounding area. Any insect or small bird in their path got swarmed, overwhelmed and sliced up into carriable chunks, to be transported back. When they reached a stream, they simply built a bridge out of themselves and raced over looking for their next kill.
Was the programme called When Ants go Bad?
[ 31.01.2006, 07:54: Message edited by: George the Robot ]
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
I had too much cock last night. Which is not to be sniffed at.
I was finishing ‘Stuart: A Life Backwards’, which is superb, and had got to the really very upsetting final chapters. Somebody mentioned fellatio, and *pow* – hang about, the girl with issues behind me, who is getting married at the weekend, has just slammed the telephone down on her cake-making cousin with the line “Ifuckinaytit. I fuckinayt white icin cos it tastes mingin you stupid cow” and stormed from the office. The place shook. She’s not small. In fact, she’s huge, and all of her facial features have gathered in the middle of her head, like they’re about to launch into ring-a-roses. Anyway *pow*, somebody’s sucking cock in ‘Life On Mars’.
Then, later, the book talks of impotence and *whop*, skinned cock appeared like a PETA video in a fur shop. I was crying at the time.
++
Middleface is back. Now she’s been crying, which means the centre of her head is red. It looks like somebody’s put a bindi on a potato. Fortunately, the icing is white chocolate, not white full stop. Phew, eh. Bet you were worried.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by 69 Comeback Elvis: Anyway *pow*, somebody’s sucking cock in ‘Life On Mars’.
This is true. They obviously had different cocks in the seventies, though, because he pulled out so swiftly on the arrival of the Sweeney that there is no way that man had the safety barbs common to a contemporary cockle. I love this attention to detail.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
lolol. I want to slap her.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Alright, Elvis?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
In places where there are fire ants (southern USA I think) they have invented anti-ant protective clothing which is just normal wellies or gloves with a fun-fur cuff around the top. Apparently the ants cannot crawl across fun-fur.
Also I have just discovered that the house full of boys is more expensive than my current clean, quiet sanctuary! Fucksake! Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
What the hell is fun-fur?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Fake fur fabric, in a selection of bright 'fun' colours.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Ants hate 'fun'.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Ants work too hard to have time to have fun. thet's why the lose it with the fun-fur. No idea what it is, y'see. Alien concept. Makes them run away. My ants are yellow meadow ants. But to be honest, they're more brown than yellow. And after a paltry four days in bloogoo there's some reet fat bastards.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Ants hate 'fun'.
ANT QUEEN: Haha! I will destroy you Bruce Willis, with your stupid smile and your constant cigarettes. We have enslaved your world thanks to our ability to build walls with our actual bodies and construct rudimentary bridges. You were the last hope for humanity, Bruce Willis, but now you are mine. Gnashy gnashy, bitey clawy thingys.
BRUCE: Yeah? How about this then, mutherfucker! [REMOVING A BOX FROM HIS DIRTY VEST] Operation, from MB Games. Fun for all the family.
ANT QUEEN: Naanaaaaaaaaaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao!
BRUCE: I'm going to take his funny bone out, doctor. Bzzzzz!
ANT QUEEN: Nananananannanaooooo. Etc. Dies.
BRUCE: Fun's over... (TO PINK PANTHER THEME) dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaannnt! Hahahahahaha. What fun. Hahahaha (over credits)
[ 31.01.2006, 09:28: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Fun things destroy tyranny, it's a well known fact. Silly String® is used by the SAS to look for booby trap trip wires. It's so light that it lands on the wires without setting off the bomb and it's so bright an colourful that they can see it in the dark or something. It's also a personal insult to the bearded Muselmans of Araby to spray Silly String® within three miles of a holy place of pilgrimage (i.e. anywhere in Araby) on the Sabbath (i.e. any day of the week).
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Also, the Royal Marines use those squeaky clockwork dogs they always have in cheap Sunday markets to walk across minefields.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Didn't know that about the silly string - interesting (and I looked it up so it is true).
We used to practice with trip flares for this sort of exercise - On the day we were shown how to set them up, we did as instructed then were told to walk through to trigger them off - trouble was the trip wire for mine didn't fully dislocate from the flare so I ended up doing some kind of one-legged pogo/rundhouse combination whilst 2 kilos of burning phosphorous started swinging around my leg.
Posted by 69 Comeback Elvis (Member # 9) on :
quote:Originally posted by DS Ray Carling: trouble was the trip wire for mine didn't fully dislocate from the flare ...
DCI Gene Hunt: ... And the stupid bastard blew himself through the window of Nippon Tucker.
DS Ray Carling: On the high street. Lovely chinky.
DI Sam Tyler: Morning all.
DS Ray Carling: *smokes*
DC Chris Skelton: *smokes*
DCI Gene Hunt: *smokes*
DCI Gene Hunt: Tyler! Got a job for you, you spic. Twenty-four children what has been shot hinna fa-
DI Sam Tyler: I’m not a spic.
DCI Gene Hunt: Are you gonna listen, you bloody wog? These kids is-
DI Sam Tyler: I’m not a wog. And Nippon isn’t chinky it’s-
DCI Gene Hunt: You stupid bloody jew. You scab, wog, spic, eyetie-
DCI Gene Hunt: *punches WPC Annie Cartwright*
DCI Gene Hunt: Get up and get your knickers on you bloody nonce chutney-ferret.
WPC Annie Cartwright: Boss.
DI Sam Tyler: Hang about, she can’t be a chutney-ferret she’s-
DCI Gene Hunt: *drinks whisky*
DCI Gene Hunt: *elevates chin*
DCI Gene Hunt: *does look*
DCI Gene Hunt: *rips head from DC Chris Skelton. Pisses in hole*
DCI Gene Hunt: Dirty paki lesbo spic. Gut feeling, that’s what it’s about. Get this dead black spacker out my station!
DI Sam Tyler: But he’s not a crip, is he. He’s not even black. We need forensics.
LATER AT THE BAR
DCI Gene Hunt: Good job Sam. You were right, Skelton weren’t no paki. But you’ve got to trust your instincts more. I knew Cartwright had a cock.
DI Sam Tyler: I’m tired. I just want to go home.
Barman: Oooooookaaaayyyy. Who wants a condensed milk sandwich? Look out, it’s the phantom flan flinger!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Nice one, my nigger.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Was that last nights episode ?
Posted by Toilet Duck (Member # 801) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: How big is the perfect penis? I mean, is it always a case of the bigger, the better?
Come on girls, we need to know.
Good grief no.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I just watched the perfect penis show. The gay dude who had filled it up with silicone so his balls were 2 feet around and his cock looked like some BBC special effects department Doctor Who monster was more than seriously fucked up.
Everyone else just had normal cocks.
I now know however why in prono men never have hardons that point upwards though, so there's a plus point.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: I now know however why in prono men never have hardons that point upwards though, so there's a plus point.
Why?? Have they all had silicone implants or something?
The other day friend #1 was idly looking at the cover of a pron DVD that friend #2 had been given for her birthday. It was called The A & O Department and had pictures of doctors and nurse and so on. Having sex obviously.
After a while she said...what does the O stand for?
Everyone: Oral! Her: Oh. conversation continues.... Her: [small voice/] The A doesn't stand for Accident does it?
[ 31.01.2006, 12:17: Message edited by: Abby ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: friend #1... friend #2...
LOL. Abby - do you rank your friends?
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Why?? Have they all had silicone implants or something?
They have the tendon cut that anchors the penis to the body, it mean you get an erection that pokes out from the body at a right angle instead of a normal almost vertical stiffy.
It makes you wonder... Still I suppose it also frees up more positions for you to do it in..
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Tendons: Ah I see.
Friends: Yes, it is a constantly changing league table, dependent on many factors. Im open to bribery for the higher rankings.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: They have the tendon cut that anchors the penis to the body, it mean you get an erection that pokes out from the body at a right angle instead of a normal almost vertical stiffy.
You don't need a cut tendon for this - for some people it happens naturally (I assume I'm not the only one). Probably something to do with the sheer weight of it. Gravity, you know.
That or the way you carry yourself in your pants - gents who fold it up point upwards, gents who fold it down point out.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Are you saying you have a huge cock Skalski?
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
Concentrate on the folding - how do you fold yours?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Always upwards...I think. I'll need to do a day's research to confirm.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: You don't need a cut tendon for this - for some people it happens naturally
Perhaps you've snapped your banjo string ?
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Perhaps you've snapped your banjo string ?
I have once, as it happens: very painful. You're shifting focus on me here, though - isn't the banjo string the bit on the underside anchoring the foreskin to the head?
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: I have once, as it happens: very painful. You're shifting focus on me here, though - isn't the banjo string the bit on the underside anchoring the foreskin to the head?
It sounds like you have a very unusual wang there, Skalski.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I'm...scared...
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by squeegy: It sounds like you have a very unusual wang there, Skalski.
Not so. Banjo string = frenulum. See here if you need a tutorial on penis anatomy.
Posted by Doctor Agamemnon When (Member # 189) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: That site has some useful info on it. I also like the secret meaning of Halloween costumes
quote:Pimp – Guys who dress up like pimps are often masking insecurities about their masculinity or sexuality. They want other people to see them as a player with wealth, power, and command over women, when in fact they are weak, ineffectual, or simply shy.
I've just purchased a full-length white fur coat and I'm not weak, ineffectual, or simply shy.
Well, OK, I've got a tiny willy. Does that count?
Posted by LowLevel (Member # 30) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: I have once, as it happens: very painful.
Fuck... And it bleeds like a freshly grated labrador puppy too...
Try explaining that to the girl next door's parents...
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Back to Jonesy's thread title, I clicked on one of the ad links (like a good girl) and found the following service:
We provide a team of qualified posters to post new topics or replies on your forum, message board or community. Our posters are selected in regards to your specifications. Our deep and diversified team allows us to provide you with posters who have a genuine interest with your website’s topic. They will join your forum and interact with your members, hence stimulating discussions and enhancing interest on your boards.
Perhaps we could have a whip round and hire some?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Better than that - why don't we put the TMO krew out for hire?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote: We provide a team of qualified posters to post new topics or replies on your forum, message board or community.
What qualifications do they have? Can we get references?
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Is that for real? They can't, seriously, pay people for that, can they?
I mean, not in 2006.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Mind you, just with their advert they are "...stimulating discussions and enhancing interest on your boards"
They're good. Let's hire them.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote: Our deep and diversified team allows us to provide you with posters who have a genuine interest with your website’s topic.
Right, we'll need someone who specializes in the following topics:
film
pretentious cookery
unknown bands
zombie-killing
paedophiles
anal
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Perhaps we could have a whip round and hire some?
Somebody's one step ahead of you - where do you think I came from? Posts of this quality don't come for free, you know.
Ahh, another $35 well deserved.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
paedophiles
Did anyone else see the show about breast feeding last night ? There was a man on that who called it:
Paedofiddler
Which is the act of fiddling with a paedophile.
I think Handbag pay people to post there too, but then they're also the site admins and come from a community management company. If I lived in the UK I'd probably try to get into a community management job. Someone offer me a community management job - I'm ready..
[ 02.02.2006, 07:02: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: Somebody's one step ahead of you - where do you think I came from? Posts of this quality don't come for free, you know.
Ahh, another $35 well deserved.
quote: "...stimulating discussions and enhancing interest on your boards"
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Did anyone else see the show about breast feeding last night ?
I missed it. It looked quite worrying from the trails - especially the kid who apparently asked for bitty in public because he/she'd seen it on Little Britain.
What was the programme like?
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
pretentious cookery
What's 'pretentious cooking' by Misc Standards, though? Anything other than black coffee washing down a quarter-slice of charred toast?
[ 02.02.2006, 07:16: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: I think Handbag pay people to post there too, but then they're also the site admins and come from a community management company.
The one overall Admin guy is a paid employee of the owners of Handbag but all the Content Monitors and whatever are just normal posters given extra power and responsibility. Why they're doing it for free is a total mystery.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Is that true Louche ? I've had contact with a numebr of 'staff' there all of whom were working for a company I forget the name of now, still that was a couple of years ago now perhaps it's changed..
The show was sickening Misc, no nice tits, no sexy women just old hairy hippies with saggy fatsacks and deeply damaged children.
One mad Spainish woman was even trying to start to breast feed a Chinese toddler of 18 months she'd adpopted.
[ 02.02.2006, 07:15: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
And in related news I was reading recently about 'Guerilla Advertising' companies. You pay them to send their legion of shills to various message boards. First they set up a believeable persona that posts for long enough to be accepted as an actual regular and then they begin slipping in subtle advertising for your product. Fucking brr. There's some more stuff about this in about the fifth paragraph of this PA news post including a link to one of the company's in question.
Maybe we've already got some shills here? Is BM paid to direct out attention to the BBC News site? Are damo's recommendations for tunes just cynical plays on our naivety? Perhaps Thorn's in the employ of "The Council for Masturbation Awareness"?
Trust no-one! Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Is that true Louche ? I've had contact with a numebr of 'staff' there all of whom were working for a company I forget the name of now, still that was a couple of years ago now perhaps it's changed..
In terms of the actual posters you see on the boards, yes. The HB Admin guy is the only paid employee. I mean obviously there are other people (techies, management, etc) in the background but none of them are publically visible. I think you might be right though in that back in the day there were more paid staff, there was a moderator called Thierry that I think was an actual employee along with a few others. I don't think HB's actually got any ties to Boots anymore though so there's certainly been some high-level shifting around since those days.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski:
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
What with the breast feeding and The World's Largest Penis it was an anatomical bonanza last night. A trip to Blockbuster and a fortifying bottle of wine were necessary…
Posted by zebraboy (Member # 196) on :
coke is it!
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
By Friday I will probably be bored enough to email that place and ask for examples of their hired help.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
In times of worry or stress, and equally times of fun and celebration I find that Ernst & Julio Gallo wines hit the spot!
Available from all good supermarkets!
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I've gone deaf in one ear! For like two days now. Totally deaf. and pain in my neck. It's horrible. Anybody had this? No? Dammit. What? Ha ha - very funny. Ah well.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: What's 'pretentious cooking' by Misc Standards, though? Anything other than black coffee washing down a quarter-slice of charred toast?
No, I was referring to the BM / BR / Sunday Times Magazine style of food review.
Honey-glazed gusset-whump of pork, pan-fried dementia olives and a caulrdon bleu of rosemary-inverted stilton. Afters: oat-beaten lime-slime on crispy seawee with a coulis of mouton duvernet.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:Originally posted by Skalski:
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
Stop it, though, stop it now before we run out of Graemlins. I don't think this counts as stimulating discussion: I could lose my job, you know.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: And in related news I was reading recently about 'Guerilla Advertising' companies. You pay them to send their legion of shills to various message boards. First they set up a believeable persona that posts for long enough to be accepted as an actual regular and then they begin slipping in subtle advertising for your product. Trust no-one!
This happened on Seethru ages ago with somebody going on about Morgan's Spiced Rum, and recently with "Scrawny" and her unusual fixation on Sony Bravia Televisions. Trust no-one.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Can anyone recommend me a decent consultancy with specialists in markets as diverse as international health, buildings, transport, project management, energy, education, and water?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Cap Gemini.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
quote: Can anyone recommend me a decent consultancy with specialists in markets as diverse as international health, buildings, transport, project management, energy, education, and water?
Your lot are rubbish. My boss hadn't even heard of you.
[ 02.02.2006, 07:31: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Your lot are rubbish. My boss hadn't even heard of you.
That doesn't mean the consultancy's rubbish - just that it's got a shit marketing department.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: This happened on Seethru ages ago with somebody going on about Morgan's Spiced Rum, and recently with "Scrawny" and her unusual fixation on Sony Bravia Televisions. Trust no-one.
Yeah, I remember the Morgan's Spiced Rum thing, and coincidentally there's some fuckwit trying the same kind of shit on Handbag right now, but we're talking about sort of the next evolution of that idea. Instead of just rocking up and going "Buy this shit!" for their first post and getting instantly banned, these people are taking like weeks or months to craft a believable user then slipping the advertising in. And even then they're being a damn sight more subtle than just slapping people in the face with a URL. Filthy bastards.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Cap Gemini.
I think you will find this week they are called Sogeti.
I did training with them when they were Hoskyns. I am very old.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster:
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Cap Gemini.
I think you will find this week they are called Sogeti.
You sure? It looks as if Sogeti are a Cap Gemini company..
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Oh yeah - I stand corrected. Bloody multinationals.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Instead of just rocking up and going "Buy this shit!" for their first post and getting instantly banned, these people are taking like weeks or months to craft a believable user then slipping the advertising in. And even then they're being a damn sight more subtle than just slapping people in the face with a URL. Filthy bastards.
I could tolerate that, though, if the user they created was fun enough, interesting enough, and stimulated enough debate to make it worthwhile. After all, we accept advertising in most other forms of entertainment on the grounds that said advertising pays for said entertainment, thereby improving the overall standard of our lives - why not in a forum, which is, after all, just another form of entertainment for us?
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Where the cunting hell is everybody.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
Cunting Hell?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I'm here, but I suspect that isn't the response you were hoping for.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
I'm here
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: I could tolerate that, though, if the user they created was fun enough, interesting enough, and stimulated enough debate to make it worthwhile. After all, we accept advertising in most other forms of entertainment on the grounds that said advertising pays for said entertainment, thereby improving the overall standard of our lives - why not in a forum, which is, after all, just another form of entertainment for us?
Yes, but when advertising appears in other forms of entertainment (e.g. advert breaks on TV) then the advertising is actually funding, or at least subsidising, the entertainment in question so that relationship makes it slightly more acceptable. If someone was to turn up here and start doing this shit it's not like they'd be giving Darryn a cut of the profits so it's not the same thing (I don't think). As you say, you could argue that if the poster was entertaining enough then it all balanced out but I don't think the comparison to advertising in other forms of entertainment stands up.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Kira, we all thought you had been kidnapped or something. Good to see you again.
ralph. Whatever.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
At least someone would be posting though..
Ah well, the forum dies, just another faliure to add to the list of things that are mine or involving me that are going wrong.
If anyone wants me I'll be on the roof trying to work up the courage to jump.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
If it's any consolation, Darryn, last night someone I actually like described my life as 'like a Marian Keyes novel'. I mean, I know you've got it shit but you can't have it that bad.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
Don't do it man!
Although it does come to something when you lot can't even mock me in my affliction.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Kira, we all thought you had been kidnapped or something. Good to see you again.
ralph. Whatever.
Thanks Roy
Not kidnapped, but work have finally caught on (after 9 months) that I shouldnt have net access! However, this week I'm on holiday
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Let's go and infiltrate another forum.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I'm fucking deaf at the moment.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: Let's go and infiltrate another forum.
I think we should go onto an Urbandead site and ruin their website with threads about books and wanking.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
quote:You know how excited you feel when the new series of your favourite TV show is about to begin? Well, that's how we feel when a new Marian Keyes book comes out. Heat Magazine
Compared to my life yours sounds like a mad, gay whirl.
Even Eleanor Rigby had it better.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Boy Racer: Although it does come to something when you lot can't even mock me in my affliction.
Sorry about that - although kyour post has prompted me to wonder if I had sleep apnoea myself, but other than feeling tired during the day, and getting depressed ocassionally (mostly during 2004), I didn't have any of the symptoms. I was quite releived - I wouldn't have minded one of those rebreather things, but I didn't want tohave to ring up the doctor and make an appointment. Anything's better than picking up the phone to speak to someone. Literally anything.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I'm here and open to suggestions
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Boy Racer: Don't do it man!
Listen to Boy Racer, Dazzler, he can do underwater kung fu... in his sleep.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:08: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
You wouldn't want to sneeze wearing that.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Compared to my life yours sounds like a mad, gay whirl.
hollow lol.
Anyway, revel in the power of your emotional blackmail. How many posts since you posted that?
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Is he upside down?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Everyone is like "shit, post any old crap or Darryn will top himself". Somewhere, a Neville is weeping.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:14: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Somewhere a King has no wife.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:14: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You said it Jimi.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
In a battle over who's life is the worst, I win. Hands down. No question.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
In the battle over who is listening to the campest mp3, no fucker can touch me.
David Soul Silver Lady.
Oh yeah.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:19: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
How so, bearded one?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Don't indulge them Roy.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: In a battle over who's life is the worst, I win. Hands down. No question.
Weeeeee! I'm sitting on Fee-fee's knee!!
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Fuck knows what happened there.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:20: Message edited by: Roy ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: How so, bearded one?
I'd rather not say publically.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Oh, go on.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
is that a knitted cock ? that might just make it all worthwhile..
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: is that a knitted cock ? that might just make it all worthwhile..
I think it is. I must say it has taken away some of the pain.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
There's nothing like a knitted cock to lift the spirts and bring about a temporary high..
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: is that a knitted cock ? that might just make it all worthwhile..
quote:Her actual name is Mildred
And she was at her regular booth today, selling the hand-made sock animals she makes with such care.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:
I've got a cold and my throat hurts. You don't mind if I just stare at you, not saying a word, do you?
She's quite attractive in a I'm-going-to-kill-you-afterwards kind of way.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
presumably, ralph woke up dangling from the back of a logging truck by some oompa braces, with a set of playboy bunny ears wrapped around his arse. Feeling a bit delicate this morning, Ralph? Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
No, Jonesy, no. She is a witch and should be burnt.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy:
quote:Originally posted by London: Let's go and infiltrate another forum.
I think we should go onto an Urbandead site and ruin their website with threads about books and wanking.
Excellent idea, but let's not forget cocks (real and knitted), middle class film reviews, and poo.
Also cheers to Thorn and Lol$@Jones, that's more like it.
Jones she looks like a man.
[ 02.02.2006, 09:33: Message edited by: Boy Racer ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
who wants to come to a gig me and 3 other girls singing harmonies over laptop loops made in reason performed on a powerbook no laughing at the back
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I like witchy men.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: who wants to come to a gig me and 3 other girls singing harmonies over laptop loops made in reason performed on a powerbook no laughing at the back
All this time, London has been building up her profile on Seethru and TMO, simply to promote her gig. Stealthy!
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I like witchy men.
With shiny hair.
Cuando Londres?
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
ok further proof for phobe fans wibble wibble Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: who wants to come to a gig me and 3 other girls singing harmonies over laptop loops made in reason performed on a powerbook no laughing at the back
Will you be taking requests?
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: If it's any consolation, Darryn, last night someone I actually like described my life as 'like a Marian Keyes novel'. I mean, I know you've got it shit but you can't have it that bad.
Fucking hell that's harsh.
I've only met you twice, and only read one of these novels, but it's not really true is it? Is it? Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
ok, never mind
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Will you be taking requests?
Ooh, I'd like to hear Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport. If you promise to sing that, I'll go.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Is Marian Keyes the chicklit writer that Discodamage likes? Apparently her books are sharp and littered with humorous references to anal sex. Does that sound like your life, Louche?
I figured that if Disco liked it, it must be ok. But then I looked at Boy Racer.
Wait, I can't make that joke. That's mean. Damn.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Chicklit is part of the process that makes the modern woman desperate and downtrodden. Janet Street-Porter told me that.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Disco likes Marian Keyes? Jesus.
And it is true. The analogy was groped for, then made and once articulated, it's very rightness hung in the air in front of me, so tangible it almost obscured the so-called fucking mate who made it.
Apparently it also means at some point in the next three to six months I get to shag a blond adonis who doesn't have a drink problem. Sadly, I'm not a great fan of blond Adoni and I rather like men who have a drink problem.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
I cant say there has ever been a blond man I have been attracted to... is that strange?
Am I blondist?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kira: I cant say there has ever been a blond man I have been attracted to... is that strange?
Maybe not strange, but it could be fatal.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
Jesus Amp, when I asked for my affliction to be mocked that's not really what I had in mind.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
Oh come on, Chuck's ginger.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: Oh come on, Chuck's ginger.
Somebody's gonna get a roundhouse kick later today.
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
quote:Originally posted by Skalski: Oh come on, Chuck's ginger.
Say that to his face. I dare you.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: 'like a Marian Keyes novel'
£6.99 well spent?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Chuck has a beard, which makes him one of ralph's very many heroes.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: I'm fucking deaf at the moment.
At least she won't be able to hear you whimpering afterwards as you both lie there spent.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
Sorry. Misread your post: 'deaf' not 'a deaf'.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
Baaandy
(lol)
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I'm going to have to go to the doctors in a bit.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Did you bang your head or anything?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Having your ear syringed is fucking amazing. Assuming that's all it is.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I hope that's what is.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
I doubt they'll syringe your ear straight off the bat like that. They'll probably give you some drops to soften the wax first.
Could be an ear infection? Does it hurt or just general deafness?
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
I've just had a look at the google ad's.
I've never heard of ear candles before! Maybe you should get some of those Benway...
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
ETA: I've not used them on myself, but I've used them on my wife. Worked a treat!
[ 02.02.2006, 10:52: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
x
[ 02.02.2006, 10:51: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Ear drops are a bit shite. Far better than that is to just heat some olive oil put your head on the side and get someone to pour some of that into your ear and then lie there for about 10 minutes then stick a tissue in your ear to mop the stuff up.
I had this done to me and I actually felt it as it ate through the wax. It was the greatest thing ever and I've tried to recreate this experience with ear drops, but they didn't give the same buzz.
I'm not sure whether it needs to be first pressing of the olive oil, but i'm sure it makes it feel better for no apparent reason.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Have you tried warming some olive oil and sticking a few drops down your lug 'ole? Leave to soften for five minutes, then add salt and pepper to taste.
e: what slvrgnjr said.
[ 02.02.2006, 10:55: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
theres an echo in here, I'm sure...
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I agree with SG5, except use mullein oil instead of olive oil.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
Of course, it could just be that you've been listening to your ipod too loud, in which case you can join this cock and sue Apple for allowing the volume to be turned up loud.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
When cultures clash
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: When cultures clash
When cultures clash what?
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Man, I bet you sucked at those tiebreaker questions.
"I like Cherry Coke because what?" Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Roy: Man, I bet you sucked at those tiebreaker questions.
"I like Cherry Coke because what?"
Tiebreaker questions? It's like we don't even speak the same language Roy.
Posted by Roy (Member # 705) on :
Where's Kovacs when you need him?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I'd settle for Gods Plumber...
[ 02.02.2006, 12:44: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
quote:Originally posted by SilverGinger5: Ear drops are a bit shite. Far better than that is to just heat some olive oil put your head on the side and get someone to pour some of that into your ear and then lie there for about 10 minutes then stick a tissue in your ear to mop the stuff up.
Apparently my great grandfather had this done when he was a nipper. They did change the recipe slightly though, deciding that it would work much better if the oil was heated rather than just warmed up nicely. He was stone deaf for the rest of his life in that ear.
Olde folke, eh? I'm surprised we ever made it this far.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by squeegy: Apparently my great grandfather had this done when he was a nipper. They did change the recipe slightly though, deciding that it would work much better if the oil was heated rather than just warmed up nicely. He was stone deaf for the rest of his life in that ear.
Cripes!
Another word of advice. Stick to normal olive oil, rather than the chilli-infused stuff you've got at the back of your kitchen cupboard. Like zipping your cock in your fly, that's not a mistake you'll make twice.
[ 03.02.2006, 04:49: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
thanks guys! I'm still deaf, and I've been to the doctors. She couldn't even see my ear drum. So, I'm going to see the nurse in a fortnight. I want to get this shit sorted before then though, as I'm supposed to be starting a new job on monday (just more temp hell, nothing real), and I don't want to be deaf.
I'll try the olive oil now.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: She couldn't even see my ear drum.
Because she is an incompetent doctor, or because you have unusually long and twistly ear canals, or because it was obscured by wax/an insect/a jelly baby?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
wax. Lovely.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Pouring warm olive oil into your ears will probably help. If they are really badly blocked with impacted wax, though, you'll need to have them syringed. Is your appointment with the nurse to have them syringed? If you can't wait that long and you're desperate, you can pay to have them done at a medicentre. That's what I did - I can't remember how much it was, though. 15 quid? 25 quid? Not sure.
What a great post. I reckon I've saved the boards there you know.
[ 03.02.2006, 08:31: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
so you can just walk in and get it done for £25?
eta: it's £35. I'm tempted...
[ 03.02.2006, 08:43: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
This syringing... does it involve sucking or squirting?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
both?
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I imagine that having your ear syringed must be one of the most satifying sensations ever.
I often used to dream about pulling a long stick of wax shaped like a bostick glue stick out of my ear. Just getting a grip on the edge of it with your finger and thumb and then pulling, and it just slides out... you have to do it sooooo slowly so as not to break it... and.. and you just feel the pressure in your ear reducing until finally the whole thing is almost out, just the last millimetre.. and you pull it, though you don't really want the whole sensation to end...but out it comes and there's a slight pop and your aural senses are suddenly restored to 100%. Everything seems loud, you can hear the birdsong outside the window, you drop a pin on the floor just to hear the TING! Then you inspect the wax stick and put it on a jam jar with the rest of your collection.
I imagined that the stick would take maybe 4 months to grow...
...
I'm on my own on this one arn't I? Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: I imagine that having your ear syringed must be one of the most satifying sensations ever.
I've not had it done, but my brother did. I was in the waiting room with my mom. I can still hear his screams.
Sorry Dr. Benway. Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
well, I'm off to the medicentre on oxford street. Wish me luck, suckers!
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
You lucky lucky bastard.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Seriously Benway, it's fucking brilliant.
[ 03.02.2006, 09:36: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by turbo (Member # 593) on :
And TMO waits with baited breath for the tales of Beway's Ear Wax Adventure...
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It's such a professional looking site (and sponsored by the world's biggest and most reputable soft drinks company), I'm sure it would be safe!
Great things about that site include US military cliché movie style bullying:
quote: Then put the nozzle in your ear...all the way in!
Messiah VIII terror imagery
quote: Don't use if your ears have burning, bleeding, pus discharge...
Followed by excellent afterthought:
quote: ...or pain
Magic healing liquid
quote:Warm water also prevents dizziness
And tHiS!!!!:
[ 03.02.2006, 10:13: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Will it remove a bug that crawled in my ear? No. Hold a flashlight towards your ear and the bug will crawl towards the light.
Now that's the dope Ray Mears kinda shit right there.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
well, that was ok. Not really a syringe though, more just like a little water pump. I can hear again, but it wasn't a fantastic experience. It hurt, and afterwards I could hear what sounded like the sea for half a day. Not really as good as I thought it would be, but it did the job.
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
Glad to hear you're no longer mutt and jeff...
although I am sensing a slight feeling of anti-climax in the actual procedure...
[ 05.02.2006, 10:04: Message edited by: Kira ]
Posted by Kira (Member # 826) on :
x duh
[ 05.02.2006, 10:04: Message edited by: Kira ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
yeah, I was expecting like an ear orgasm or something, but the only really pleasurable sensation was being able to hear again, which didn't feel like a luxury so much as just a return to what I'd expect.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Maybe you weren't as deaf, or for as long, as I was.
The sheer relief of being able to hear again - and the fact it was so immediate - it was just amazing.
You probably had, like, a pin head of wax in there. I had a celebrity-themed London tourist attraction thing going on.
Posted by jakrabbit (Member # 163) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Ralph, after opening the oven without a welding mask. Nice tatties, though.
i love this site.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Oh arse. My friend and I, through the miracle of pretty instant email communication and her general dippiness have now just managed to double-buy a set of tickets for Snow Patrol who're playing in Cardiff at the beginning of May.
her order me 2 tickets online since I can't get through on the phone line me la la la, name address credit card, press 'Order' her don't order me any I'm on the phone & I'll get your ticket too me wait! her got them! me erm, me too...
Anyone want to go? 3rd May at the University Student Union.
Posted by Skalski (Member # 852) on :
Pop them on eBay. If the event's sold out, you may end up making a killing.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Yeah, have sold the odd random spare on there before. I mainly wanted to whinge about my crap friend, since as far as I know I don't think any forites live in Cardiff. Still, you never know.
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