posted
It's been a while since Mart's Dr Bastard GP thread.
I am going to "the doctors" tonight, for the first time in about 6 years, to see about this Pill thing. Will probably jinx myself and get no more sex, but apparently it makes your boobs bigger *hopeful*. I have no idea if my GP is a man or a woman or any good. God, the waiting room is going to be stuffy, overheated and full of old crumpled Hello magazines and disease-ridden Croydonites. I can't decide whether it's worse than going to the hairdresser or not.
Any recent doctor horror stories? Or how about some good Doctor, Doctor jokes.
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posted
My old Doctor who I really liked retired and has been replaced by a new woman doctore who is about 70 years old. I don't get it, Dr. Ang was only about 45ish if that and she's retired to be replaced by this 100 year old, lavender scented, blue rinsed granny.
Still, Dr. Granny gave me some cream to clear up this 'lump' that was growing on my chin and as if by magic it's gone all away, so despite looking as though she has alzheimers she does seem to know what she's doing..
A businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over." "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep." "I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"Every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
"I just wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?" The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?" The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis." The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?" The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
posted
Just a friendly word to say that in a small percentage of women, Teh Pill can be evil. If after a few months you start to notice that you're feeling more depressed than usual (or even suicidal), losing your hair or not feeling very sociable, it might be a good idea to seek other forms of contraception. It can screw up your hormonal balance, you see. Your doctor will deny that Teh Pill is the cause of your problems, but * thousands of women have suffered from them.
posted
I just got told with the flutter of eyelashes and a fart waving hand that doctors don't log medical records incorrectly and was sent on my way. Currently, I wouldn't let a doctor make me a slice of toast as there is a worrying epidemic of a lot of them flouting the 'wash your hands you fucking cretin' hygiene drive. The clerks have ears.
In fact: case in hand, my friend had a proper lumpy penis and went to the doctors. The doctor examines said lumpdick, then sits back at his desk without washing his hands. I upset my friend by asking 'I wonder how many other cocks he touched before yours?'
posted
So basically, you are going to turn into a crazy bitch, but not before some quack has rubbed their cock riddled cooties all over you. Good luck honey!
Louche
Carved TMO on her clit just to make you feel bad
posted
Do not under any circumstances whatsoever in the slightest let the fuckers give you microgynan. Unless you want to get fat and totally lose your sex drive and disappear into a bottomless pit of despond. If you do want to get fat and totally lose your sex drive and disappear into a bottomless pit of despond, then go right ahead.
Last time I went to my doctor I asked him to change my pill because it was fucking up my hormones. He replied that this was what it was supposed to do. Helpful.
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Do not under any circumstances whatsoever in the slightest let the fuckers give you microgynan.
Snap! Microgynon 30, I believe. Well it wasn't me that was taking it, obviously. Seems like that's not Teh only Pill that causes the problems though.
quote:Last time I went to my doctor I asked him to change my pill because it was fucking up my hormones. He replied that this was what it was supposed to do. Helpful.
That's more helpful than Kellifer's doctor. At least your was honest, rather than just saying "It's not the pill. It can't be."Posts: 14015
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posted
I've just been to the Hospital this morning, my second visit in as many weeks and I have at least three more in the next month or so as well. This morning was about some minor surgery, but thanks to Dutch bureaucracy, I have to get permission from my insurance company for some cream to asssist the process before they will go ahead with the procedure.
The Dutch method of GP Healthcare is 'rest cures all' - a friend of mine collapsed with a dangerously high temperature, and her boyfriend was advised to just send her to bed and give her paracetemol - it was only a threat of violence, something uncanny of this person, but understandable in his state of panic that got her an appointment and treatment. I myself was rushed to the doctor with lumbago which is so painful I could not breath - his advice? Play football. I can't breathe and am in exscrutiating pain, and he wants me to go play kickabout in the park. I think it is just a more apathetic method of healthcare, which is bizarre in a country with so many people receiving government support whilst "on the sick" - it seems those that need it can't get it, and those that are faking it are just given it to make them go away - utterly ridiculous.
Thankfully now I have a doctor trained by the BMA who is more than wonderful, and who will refer me without any hassle. However he is still telling me my liver is knackered and to continue not drinking, so he's not that good.
posted
The only time I've been to the doctors in the last decade is to get a couple of moles removed. As I kept moving around and out of the country, I ended up seeing about 4 GPs. One way or the other, they all asked me if I wanted to go on the Pill, it was like they were on commission. Very odd.
I won't stay on it if the sex disappears, anyhow.
Urgh, doctors receptionists. Scary ladies. I bet they run a book on what people are in seeing the doctor for.
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quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: What about the injections ?
Depends if you regard psychotic mood swings as a plus or minus. Or so I hear.
This chick I really really fancied at university was on the injections, and she did have psychotic mood swings. Anyway, despite a sustained campaign of trying to bed her for about two years she just would not leave her boyfriend - I mean they broke up a couple of times but she wouldn't have anything to do with me in the meantime. They got married a couple of years back and are trying to have kids, except it turns out that he's - you know - a Jaffa. So she went through all that horribleness with the contraception for NOTHING. And now she wants kids, and can't have them LOL LOOKS LIKE YOU BACKED THE WRONG HORSE HUNNEY! NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SPERM HAH!
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: [ LOL LOOKS LIKE YOU BACKED THE WRONG HORSE HUNNEY! NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SPERM HAH!
How do you know? Have you checked them out under the microscope you got with "A Child's First Chemistry Set" from Christmas 1989?
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: So she went through all that horribleness with the contraception for NOTHING.
I was going to say 'I hope you catch something nasty to teach you a lesson' and then I was wracked with really painful guilt in case you did. It hurts.
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: What about the injections ?
(Birth control that is, not hot pork)
would they be better ?
Urgh, rather not, thanks.
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Kellifer a beautiful, sensitive impenetrable mind.
posted
Many women are just fine on the pill. I'm definitely not one of them. It sounds quite extreme to say it, but synthetic hormones have ruined the last three years of my life.
I’m not going to go into it all as I could write a novel about how shit it has all been for me and Misc, but if you don’t want to be in amongst the 10-15% that the following side effects happen to, I’d keep well away.
Nausea, The doctors, tell you to stick with it through this until your body settles into its new robotic stylings. It may improve after three months, if it doesn’t they will likely recommend a different synthetic.
Headaches, Same as above, but watch out for focal migraines.
Mood Swings, The term mood swings really doesn’t cut it. Try rollercoaster of unpredictable emotional trauma.
Depression, This one is so far down the list of side effects that are written on the pamphlet which comes with your pill, you probably won’t think anything of it. This is exactly why I wanted to abandon Misc, or kill myself depending on how close I was to my period. It actually gets better the week before your period, because you aren’t putting the poison pill in that week in order to give yourself a fake period. It also gets much worse the longer you take the pill and increases when you stop taking it until you find a way out of the withdrawal. I’m still trying to find my way out.
Anxiety or Panic Attacks, Personal experience as it effects everyone differently. I found it difficult to go out and was very paranoid about anything going wrong, fainting, emotional outbursts be they anger or tears and hot/cold flushes. I still can’t go out shopping alone as I get panicky in the queue and have to leave and go for a walk to calm down. The anxiety is still a problem now, though much more manageable. Sometimes I get panicky when someone comes round to visit and have developed what they call Social Anxiety Disorder, which has meant a very difficult and limited social life.
Loss of Libido, There has been some research into this area, which is why doctors might change your pill for this reason. Birth control pills can decrease your libido, making sex a major issue. So much so, that you become repulsed by the idea of it, or even physically unable, due to soreness etc. You have to have a really patient and understanding partner to get through this without upset. In that case at least I am very lucky.
Paranoia, This is not only linked to the anxiety, but has left me with a sense of not knowing who I am. Feeling numb to the world and everything around you and not recognising yourself in the mirror or your loved ones. It is a very isolating experience.
These are the more common side effects, you can add weight gain, hair loss, recurring yeast and bladder infections and in the worst case scenario the overwhelming urge to kill yourself and save everyone the bother.
As I said at first, this doesn’t happen to everyone, but there is a good chance that synthetic hormones increase your chances of cancer and heart disease in the long run and should you take it for a long period of time you may find it difficult to get your cycles back to normal. Meaning the misery and expense of fertility problems in the future.
My doctor didn’t think the pill could be doing any of this; she ignored my then suicidal depression and tried to fob me off with beta blockers for the anxiety she believed was due to migraines. I have been muddling through on my own with the help of Google, the forum Misc discreetly linked to above, and support of friends family and most of all Misc, who I couldn’t be without.
After quitting Microgynon 30 eight months ago, I’m still trying to put myself back together. Charting your cycles is very useful. I tried Vitex to restore my hormonal imbalances and had a bad reaction to that too. Now I’m hoping that my remaining issues are due to the serotonin depletion caused by the pill and that I’ll be better than my old self if the 5HTP supplements work.
You can further research these issues on the net, the doctors seem to have an understanding with pharmaceutical companies to push the pill on women and avoid unwanted pregnancy, I have found them to be of little help. When you really think about how the pill works, preventing ovulation month after month and altering your physical and mental chemistry to think that is okay, it seems a wonder to me that it works for anyone.
Sorry I haven’t been around here more often. This post explains why.
Oh and natural progesterone cream would probably increase your boob size without all the above misery. It is also supposed to help with PMS, might be worth researching.
edit: Sorry I can't do html anymore either. I don't think that is pill related though.
quote:Originally posted by Kellifer: Birth control pills can decrease your libido, making sex a major issue. So much so, that you become repulsed by the idea of it.
Don't blame everything on the pill. The majority of women are repulsed by the idea of having sex with me.
posted
That sucks K, sorry to hear that you've gone through such a rough time When you manage to get back to something approaching an even keel we'll have to hook up for a drink, really has been ages since I last saw you guys.
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turbo
Gold..... What is it good for? You can't eat it, you can't smoke it, yet everybody wants it.
posted
I can second (third?) the Microgynon warning. Evil stuff that gave me an extra stone in weight, eradicated my libido and gave me a 4-month period. Nice. Also, it doesn't necessarily give you massive knockers. After years of many different Pills, I have now got the Mirena coil which I love. You still ovulate with it, which is probably why I feel so normal.
ETA: Bloody hell Keliffer, that is a total horror story. So sorry to know what you've been through and I hope you "normalise" very soon.
[ 28.02.2006, 09:00: Message edited by: turbo ]
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quote:Originally posted by Kellifer: Birth control pills can decrease your libido, making sex a major issue. So much so, that you become repulsed by the idea of it.
Don't blame everything on the pill. The majority of women are repulsed by the idea of having sex with me.
Heh. Well, actually, this was more or less what I was going to post about when I was newer. I wanted to know if anybody had been on the pill and come off, because this is what I'll do in a couple of months' time when partner has had a certain operation.
I've been on Microgynon 30 for about 6 years now, and I have very low libido, but hey, T'uther Aff is brilliant and I like spending time with him anyway, so things are fine.
But it would be kind of nice if I got the horn for him as much as he does for me.
Right. Now I'm going to take a deep breath and hit Add Reply. Anyone take the piss out of me for this and they're dead.
[tap]Add Reply[/tap]
Edit: Oh, hang on, I also had a doctor joke (No really, but it would actually raise the tone a little after what I've written above):
A man goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, I keep getting these headaches. I'm nauseous half the time, and I get short of breath if I walk more than 100 yards."
So the doctor says, "Do you masturbate very often?"
posted
Hmm, one of the more dedicated gestures I've received from a lover, that's for sure!
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Louche
Carved TMO on her clit just to make you feel bad
posted
The NHS hands out microgynan like they're sweets because it's the cheapest. It also has fucked up the quality of life of every woman I've known who has taken it - though not all to quite the extent of Kellifer who sounds like she's had the shitest time in the history of the world ever. Seeing as you're going on the pill because you're getting some it would be supreme irony if you took one which causes Death to Libido in the majority of women who take it.
I'd recommend holding out for Cilest or Ovrannette, but I mean, it depends how you take to it and all.
Also, have you an email address I can email you on, VP? I want for to ask you something
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posted
Let me add myself to the list of pill-haters. Maybe it's such an effective contraceptive because you don't actually want to do sex. Veep - get yourself a bulk buy of durex. And don't listen to any of that 'socks in the bath' shit. Has he ever had a bath in his socks?
As for doctor stories, none as such. But I have had a mare with NHS bureaucracy with my recent 'troubles'. When I was pregnant I was seen by the midwife from Whipps Cross hospital. When I had the miscarriage I was admitted to Whipps Cross hospital. So it was not unreasonable of me to assume that some kind of system existed to tell the midwife department what had happened. But no, it would seem that none of the gazillion forms I filled in actually has any bearing on any database, as yesterday someone from the midwife dept phoned me up telling me off for not coming to my 13-week scan. I told her why not, and she then told me off for not having told them. Why the fark should I? Is it my job to ease their administration? They're only one floor up from the miscarriage bit... GODD.
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quote:Originally posted by herbs: I told her why not, and she then told me off for not having told them. Why the fark should I? Is it my job to ease their administration? They're only one floor up from the miscarriage bit... GODD.
That really is shite, you should do the fully snotty letter demanding an apology bit Hoibs, or you could sell your story to the tabloids, they love their front page 'outrageous NHS incompetence!' stories Posts: 2337
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scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
Dude. This:
quote: Originally posted by Kellifer:When you really think about how the pill works, preventing ovulation month after month and altering your physical and mental chemistry to think that is okay, it seems a wonder to me that it works for anyone.
....is about as true as it gets. I've been on four pills in my life, and have never experienced anything other than weight gain, total disappearance of sex drive, paranoia, painful periods, and depression that in one case was so severe it kick-started a 3-year self abuse habit that miraculously vanished overnight when I came off the pill. Until I tried the next one, that is.
It's basically a daily dose of 'fuck you' for the balance that your body has spent about 25 (?) years perfecting. I know you didn't ask for advice, but my two cents: stick with the condoms until you're sure. Besides - if you start with the pill and then come off it if things don't work out, the short term hormone intake plays long-term havoc with your body and your head.
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scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
Bloody hell. 5/6 women recommend staying as far away from the pill as is humanly possible.
(Also, to add: using condoms quite often promotes larger quantities of some of the more entertaining areas of sex in order to avoid faffing about with latex. Read: hours, and hours, of head. For you, that is.)
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scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
I'm kind of proud that whilst other people were using their landmark posts to announce the birth of their children, I was extolling the virtues of one particular method of contraception and detailing the ways in which it can facilitate really selfish sex with no risk of impregnation.
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posted
Obviously best form of contraception is the rhythm method, or Vatican lottery. As well as being completely chemical-free, it doesn't involve faffing around with unreliable condoms, while the ensuing white knuckle ride of is-she/isn't-she means the exhiliration of the event carries on for up to two weeks after the shag actually took place.
Personally I can't use condoms because - eh - they don't fit. Durex are the worst - they're way too tight around the base to the point of cutting off circulation. Not only breathtakingly painful, it also means that even wince-sex is out of the question. A friend of mine had the same problem, and suggested that Mates might be uh better fit. They're easier to get started with, but they still rip under the strain eventually.
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posted
Agreed on the Microgynon front - was on it for six years, felt totally unhorny. Thought it was just effects of being in a long-term relationship. Came off it and found that wasn't the case. It's not just sexual desire it messes with though, it's sexual response. Like I just thought I was one of those people who aren't into their tits being played with. Then I came off the pill and realised that wasn't the case; it was more like the pill had made my whole skin just all sort of numb and bored-feeling. Coming off it was like becoming alive again.
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When you manage to get back to something approaching an even keel we'll have to hook up for a drink, really has been ages since I last saw you guys.
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