IT IS DISCO DAMAGAGE AKA DANCE MAGUERITA'S BIRTHDAY!!!! WHOOHOO!! Today is the year she turns EVEN MORE AWESOME! So let's all present our birthday areas and give it up for Disco DEEE!!!!
As it's her birthday, she's gonna give us a special treat. Girl's got a pocketful of wisdom and a purseful of style. Bitch got 17 posts to spill in as many minutes. And she's here to dispense advice, just because it's her birthday. So:
ASK DISCO A QUESTION AND SHE WILL CURE WHAT AILS YOU.
poster fist:
a) is my sexlife wrong or is it completely justifiable under the circumstances, disco?
b) should i defend my article against online attack, because i can't be arsed.
NOW YOU! QUICKLY!!!! And wish her a Happy Birthday while you're at it, goddammitTTT!
[ 03.05.2007, 12:58: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
a) it might be better to ask someone who is getting laid at the moment, to be quite frank. at the moment im kinda thinking, 'YOURE GETTING SOME AINT YA? DONT OVERTHINK IT! SOME OF US AINT GOT YOUR WORRIES!'
b) fuck 'em.
next. im gonna have to move to the place with the cheesy chips
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
I am 32 and want a career change - what should I do?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I'm worried about telling my parents if I'm getting hitched. I can imagine they'd be kind of underwhelmed and I just don't want to have a conversation with them where they're all "What the fuck?" How should I approach this? Is there a way of making a big life decision without your parents assuming you're making a fuck up, because all you ever do is fuck up, isn't it fuck up boy? Is there any way to convince them I'm able to make exciting and informed decisions like an adult man?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i need a new job. what can a geek with research skillz do that isn't research?
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
come on disco! that's three questions, ripe and ready to drop into yr waiting mouth!
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
I can't stand this - I feel more lost! Damn you, DM, you let me down!!!!
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I'm very disappointed. In the absence of advice from disco, I phoned my father and told him I was thinking of getting married. His reaction was a stiff "Do you really think that's a good idea?" Not that I need his approval, but it's a bit of a boner harsher, like squealing about a knew job and having everyone say "I bet it's shit". So. Thanks a lot disco. Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: I'm worried about telling my parents if I'm getting hitched. I can imagine they'd be kind of underwhelmed and I just don't want to have a conversation with them where they're all "What the fuck?" How should I approach this? Is there a way of making a big life decision without your parents assuming you're making a fuck up, because all you ever do is fuck up, isn't it fuck up boy? Is there any way to convince them I'm able to make exciting and informed decisions like an adult man?
by telling them, you're showing them you're making a grown up decision. everything else is what you're expecting them to do.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
I'm so confused now, I don't even know who's supposed to be giving the advice...
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
I had a couple of glasses of Polak beer to celebrate The Führer's birthday last month and felt slightly dirty afterwards. I could blame the fact that there was no German stuff left on the shelves at Sainsbury's (Jewish company, ugh!) but I still feel the need to exfoliate.
Disco, plz hlp! Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Dear Disco,
I've been clearing some of my land for garden space, and to let some more sunlight in. I'm almost done, but there's this gigantic dead beech tree that needs to come down, but it's larger than anything I've ever tackled before, and it's pretty close to the house. I'd like to ask my neighbor to help me with it, but my other neighbor recently had a run-in with him (he shot at some of her chickens that were on his property) and I don't want to be friendly with tree-cutting neighbor if it will upset chicken-neighbor. What should I do? It would cost too much $$$ to have a professional out to take the tree down, but it must come down as it's becoming a safety issue.
Sincerely,
ralph
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
This thread is a total washout. All these questions, disco's gone AWOL, doc d is giving out advice that I don't even understand, Benny The Ball is having a mid life crisis, and Sam Norton has just piled on another question that will go unanswered. Disastrous. Is this what London and Disco are offering in lieu of jokes about whore-coring? Pathetic.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Dear Disco,
I am going to Spain tomorrow for a few days. I will need to obtain euros, but am worried about getting ripped off (commission-wise). Should I get my euros from the airport or should I just get them when I get to Spain?
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
It's not my fault she's gone AWOL. That bitch is so sacked.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Dear Disco
1 An unwanted feline visitor penetrates my flap at night, and tussles with my pussy - I find hair on the landing. How can I dissuade him?
2 What's it all about, eh? Why is discontentment the default setting?
3 How can I get rid of mould on a tree trunk? How can I identify the species of tree so I can be more specific? Is the word 'species' related to 'specific?
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Oh. She's gone. Damn it.
Anybody else, feel free to answer my query. Thank you in advance.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Dear Disco
Should I stay with my parents for a couple of years, furiously saving like I’ve never saved before or should I say “to heck with it!” and find another rented place where I can strut about in my pants, get drunk whenever I want, and generally enjoy myself?
Regards,
Ringo
P.S. have you ever noticed how we are both named after crispes? Co-incidence? Hmm..
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
I HAD TO GO TO THE PLACE THAT SELLS CHEESY CHIPS BECAUSE I RAN OUT OF TIME AT THE LIBRARY. YOU INGRATES DONT DESERVE MY ADVICE.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Dear Disco,
I got some Cheesy Tortilla Chips from Tesco last week and they are really cheesy and delicious, to the point where eating a handful leaves a wonderful orange cheesy residue on your fingers. They are great with a chilled Weizen.
Yesterday the shelves were empty - it's a damned conspiracy - and I don't know what to do. Ready salted and Polak beer doesn't quite cut it.
Help me! Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
BUT IM GOING to give it to you anyway, because i am the world's alltime queen of lovely.
please note: im not eating cheesy chips, im ating chips with mayo and tommy k. if my advice starts getting downbeat its because the mayo is heinz not hellmans and the tommy k is own- brand not heinz! what fresh madness is this.
BTB: i think you need to leave the heady world of the meeja behind and start getting real. have you ever done any care work? you strike me as a caring kind of guy. plus, you have soft hands, which is always handy if you are going to be wiping pensioners' moist vaginas clan with a very thin cloth.
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
Dear Disco
Am I going to Hell?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Dear disco. Whilst travelling on a London bus earlier today I read an article which claimed that CHEESE is to be reclassified as a JUNK FOOD, and advertising the yellow beef will be banned during children's television programming. Do you think this is a good or a bad thing?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
nathan: kill your family. kill them with hammers, slie them with stanleys, try on their faces. spend the money you save on a better class of canape for the people in your life who actually love and care about you. take photos of your family lying in their own blood and force your best man to work said photos into his speech as an awesome comedy denouement. advise him to do this, whilst holding a loaded gun to his temple. 'that sort of edgy humour, its what theyd expect of me, silverginger. im nathan bleak'. whisper it through gritted teeth into his ear. watch him holding the photos aloft in a shaking hand from your position at top table, and then point at the row of empty chairs lined up next to you, wink at the brides' parents, and grip your new bride's hand tight in your own, so tight that the wedding ring on your finger leaves a scar in her flesh.
[ 03.05.2007, 13:19: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
doc d: i didnt want to say this benny the ball, but asking me for career advice is like asking britney spears to be your sponsor. what areyou thinking?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
rick j: go fuck yourself in the face you pathetic nazi fuck.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
ralph: i cant answer that question. you need to pray to your higher power and hand over the results.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
zygote: often is cheaper to use an atm if you have cirrus.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: ralph: i cant answer that question. you need to pray to your higher power and hand over the results.
You're my higher power. Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: force your best man to work said photos into his speech as an awesome comedy denouement. advise him to do this
This is a wonderfully horrible little scene, dm. I'm impressed.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Ralph surely as an American you'd have some manner of artilery suitable for destroying a humble tree?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Ralph surely as an American you'd have some manner of artilery suitable for destroying a humble tree?
I don't own any firearms Ringo. Never have. Probably never will. This tree is pure evil. One of it's old dead limbs struck me on the shoulder a few weeks ago. It hurt like hell. I've stayed away from it ever since.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: Dear Disco
1 An unwanted feline visitor penetrates my flap at night, and tussles with my pussy - I find hair on the landing. How can I dissuade him?
seal your flap shut with gaffer tape, or sprinkle broken glass around it.
quote:2 What's it all about, eh? Why is discontentment the default setting?
oh i KNOW. i know i know i know. you dont need to tell me about it. i know. life is just a cup of hot fat with a hair in it, and theres nothing we ca do about it, except adopt hobbies.
quote:
3 How can I get rid of mould on a tree trunk? How can I identify the species of tree so I can be more specific? Is the word 'species' related to 'specific?
i wish i was bob flowerdew and i could anwer this. but im not. heres my advie: ask bob flowerdew. he is a lovely hippy with a long grey plait! he knows the answers.
[ 03.05.2007, 12:34: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: rick j: go fuck yourself in the face you pathetic nazi fuck.
Will that solve the problem? I don't think my cock is long enough to do that.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: zygote: often is cheaper to use an atm if you have cirrus.
Will my Halifax Visa debit card do? There's no cirrus logo on it. Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
ringo- i lived at home until i was 30, with a short escape between 20 and 22. it has left me broken as a person. i even went out with boy racer for two years, just to have somewhere else to go. get out. be a man. unless you cant afford it, in which case, cook for yourself, do your own washing, and if at any point either of them move to wash your face with a spitty hanky or tell you not to leave the house without shoes, move into the shed.actually, do you hve a shed? thats not a bad idea. just move into the shed.
[ 03.05.2007, 13:12: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: I don't think my cock is long enough to do that.
heh. so many responses! so little time.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
quote:Originally posted by vikram: Dear Disco
Am I going to Hell?
thats entirely up to you, sweetheart. but you know that.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Dear Disco
Long weekend coming up so fancy getting away - should I go to Ljubljana or Vilnius? Which one has the best rock bar? Which one has the most gorgeous ladies? Will I just waste another bunch of my wages to travel away and fail to get laid?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
ey! and that was post one thousand. okay, now thats done this is my official birthday thread, the one im not going to read because i will be away from all cumputers until tuesday (<<<possible, but unlikely, in all honesty). if anybody thinks its a bit cheeky of me to dictate that this becomes my birthday thread, then i would refer them to the archives in a search for my last birthday thread. 2004 you cuntfuckers! okay im going now, happy birthday to me! please change the name of the thread so that everyone can wish me a happy birthday thankyou london!
[ 03.05.2007, 12:58: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Happy Birthday you unhelpful ****!
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
AitchBee DeeEm
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
waynster: i knew a man from vilnius. he was as mad as lobsterpots, but he knew some awesome stories, many of them involving his sister, who souned like a right scutter. apparently she liked to fuck all the fucking guys, whenever. i only wish i knew her telephone number, youd be well in there. i advice you to go to vilnius, and ask every woman you meet if her name is ekaterin and whether she likes to fuck all the fucking guys, whenever. eventually, youre bound to find her.
[ 03.05.2007, 12:57: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Is Ralph allowed to say '**** '? It's a really bad word in America, isn't it? What a nasty man! Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Happy Birthday you unhelpful ****!
step 3 and a half: dont call your higher power an unhelpful **** . i mean, no shit, sherlock.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
do you know what would be the most awesome birthday present ever? A PICTURE TAG.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Vilnius is officially the toughest place in the world to Limericise. It sounds like it should be a winner, but you just get stuck. Look...
There was a young fellow from Vilnius Who peeled all the skin from his pilnius
And that's as far as I can get.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
I think I walked past the Vilnius scutter when I was there last time. We last saw her sitting by a building very close the Gates of Dawn. O, and she has a moustache.
This is not a slight on Lithuanian women in general, though. Many were quite hott. Try the oddly-named Utenos beer as well - most good.
Waynster - if you see an odd-looking fellow selling (fake) Nazi memorabilia around the massive concourse outside the main railway station, that's probably my old friend Virgilius. Don't try talking to him, though - he might kill you. He plays a mean game of chess.
That is, of course, assuming you go to Vilnius and not Ljubljana.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
I don't think much of your limerick, Rick.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
happy Birthday!!!!!!
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Happy day to you and yours.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Dear Disco
Should I stay with my parents for a couple of years, furiously saving like I’ve never saved before or should I say “to heck with it!” and find another rented place where I can strut about in my pants, get drunk whenever I want, and generally enjoy myself?
Regards,
Ringo
Ringo. I'm not DM and so am perhaps not qualified to give out life advice, but I believe this venn diagram will answer your question.
[ 03.05.2007, 15:28: Message edited by: SilverGinger5 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Happy mutherfucking Birthday, Damaged Margarita.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Happizzle Badizzle Dancizzle Magarizzle.
On the way home I bought a bag of biltong from Snoggy's in Wimbledon because my girlfriend loves biltong almost as much as she likes eating food that will not get digested for about four years. Why I say that? They are the same thing! Anyway, so I was trying a couple pieces of biltong and it was still quite soft, because it is like, real dried meat and not meat that has been shrivelled with chemical castration compound and it really hurt to swallow. Now, I have what feels like a trapped wind in my solar-plexus and has remained that way for two days. It has only stopped hurting briefly when I ate some sliced, fried potatoes earlier. You may know them as chips. Or fries. If you're a wrong 'un. Anyway, I'm going to take you to the question now. Here is the question. Question: What will help stop my 'trapped wind' problem, presuming I am not dying of Sore? Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Disco: Ho bo, mo fo
Mikee: Gaviscon? High-pressure water jet down the gullet?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I just had some fizzy Fanta and jumped up the street. I hope a manager from my office didn't see it. I'm willing to risk looking like a special and being laughed at for being a tit than this horrendous pain. FFS: 2 mins left in Internet Cafe. Have a great weekend y'all. Maybe speak to some of you on here tonight. Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Question: What will help stop my 'trapped wind' problem, presuming I am not dying of Sore?
Step 1)Drink 12 pints of lager and a whole bottle of Kahlua. Step 2)Jump up and down until your exhausted. Step 3) Kiss your trapped wind goodbye.
Oh, I forgot... Step 2a)Puke up everything in your entire body.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Mikee, you disgust me. Supporting the Sith Ifricin economy of Wimbledon and buying their filthy foreign products. May your guts fester and implode.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
oh yeah HB DM
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Happy birthday, DM.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
thankyou everybodypeeps! i had a lovely birthday weekend camping in glastonbury with my wife. we went to a beltane masked ball where we were sold tickets to a special raffle by a man dressed as herne the hunter. his name was gary brownsword. i wonder if he likes bumsex. if i was a hippy my name would be SPIRAL FROND.
[ 08.05.2007, 10:57: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
in case youre wondering- first prize was a drumkit. second prize- a pair of goddess statues. thrid prize- a healing crystal in the shape of an angel. fourth prize- nine lentils and a statue of king arthur made out of scabies flakes and tahini.
Posted by Amy (Member # 11) on :
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