A friend and my wife recently asked me what I really wanted to do, what would make me happy as a job - and I couldn't answer. Partly because I was caught between the idea of what I thought was needed of me in a job, partly because I have very little idea...
I've gone from the usual astronaught to car mechanic to comic book writer kind of path of a young kid, but as an adult I just don't know?
I love history, so perhaps teaching history would be good. I'd love to be a Sci-Fi writer... but I just don't know????
So, TMO, what would be your ideal job, what would you really really want to do, deep down?
<pretty woman tramp>what's your dream</pretty woman tramp>
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
The first jobs I did, like a lot of people I'm sure, were very active things like a paper round when I was a kid, then working in a busy restaurant, then unloading trucks in a warehouse. The warehouse one was good. Radio on all day, plenty of banter and practical jokes, and physical hard work to keep you fit and healthy. Of course, jobs like that never pay anything like enough to feed a family, but without that responsibility to worry about I reckon I'd be back to that kind of job straight away. I only occasionally get satisfaction out of this job (web developing) these days. Too much sitting around, too much complexity to give any real creative pleasure like it used to. But it pays bucketloads of cash so I'm stuck with it innit.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Of late I've been thinking that I'm sick of being stuck in an office and want to get out and about. Street sweeping even looks appealing, but that might just be ennui with current employ.
I'd like to be a tour guide of something really complicated, like St Paul's cathedral, and know absolutely everything about every part of it, and never get bored telling people why the third gargoyle on the left has a shorter tongue than all the others.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I want to be a window cleaner. There'd be something quite entertaining about hanging off the side of a massive office building by a couple of cables, moving slowly past a seemingly endless parade of bored employees, framed behind glass. It'd be like visiting a different zoo every day.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
My dream is not to work; I used to think that this was a universal desire, that nobody actually wants to do work, but I've realised that this is not the case. Oscar Wilde said something like "find your dream job and you'll never do another day's work in your life", and that's the point, I suppose.
So. Being a talented musician, who people pay to compose and play ace stuff, would be good. Slightly more realistically, I think I'd enjoy being a video or film editor -- I recently did a video of a stag do I went on with some friends, and I really enjoyed it, combining clever edits, music, titles, and so on.
Something that earns lots of money, really, would be my ideal job. Neither musician nor film editor fit that category, I fear.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Recently a friend was discussing an idea for a fancy dress do at which people would come dressed as 'what they wanted to be when they grew up'.
This sounds like quite a nice idea until you realise you'd have a room full of lion tamers, astronauts and tank commanders who, in drab actuality, work in media sales, personnel development and data processing. The gulf between childhood dreams and the soul-crushing destination which most of us have reached would be just too much - people would get blitzed and start cutting themselves and writing poetry about their shattered aspirations.
It would be much better to have a children's fancy-dress where the kids had to turn up in "What I'll probably end up as", with lots of 7-year-olds dressed as marketing managers, IT consultants and advertising copywriters. Rather than pass-the-parcel you could have them doing PowerPoint presentations and they'd be forbidden from talking about subjects other than where they expect to property market to go in the next six months or recent home improvement successes/failures.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I don't really have a dream job, hence why I'm just floating around like a turd in the corporate sea. My life is the echo of a childhood scream.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: they'd be forbidden from talking about subjects other than where they expect to property market to go in the next six months or recent home improvement successes/failures.
This made me laugh and then made me depressed. Increasingly this is all my friends talk about. I just... I don't understand when or how it happened, but I know it didn't always used to be like this. The situation isn't yet completely dire - we did all spend some time this weekend exchanging piss and vomit anecdotes for example, but it's clear that home improvement and house prices are cutting an ever greater swathe into the conversation. I reckon I'll have to make some kind of sacrifice in order to rescue my friends from this conversational graveyard. Maybe if I did something like took a bunch of schoolgirls hostage, raped them all to death and then rushed out into the besieging SWAT team to be gunned down in a hail of bullets they would have something less banal to say. Although, at the back of my mind is the depressing idea that it wouldn't happened. I can already picture my friends - husband and wife - visiting some of our friends from university who live in a detached house in Chepstow and saying "So... Ian got shotgunned to death in a 48 hour siege and left 15 dead behind him", being greeted with an uninterested "Oh," sitting in silence for five minutes before resorting to "So! We've had the wall in the living room knocked through", and receiving a squealed "Ooo! We were thinking of having that done here!".
[ 29.05.2007, 07:05: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
What did you want to be as a kid, Benway? I remember being asked this at primary school and not knowing what to say. I think I flailed around my mind and said "train driver".
Later I regretted saying that, as I realised it would probably be a bit shit, and worried that having said it to my teacher at school, I would end up having to be a train driver for the rest of my life.
Did anyone do Jiig-Cal at school? Where you answered loads of questions and it came up with your ideal jobs. For me it suggested bingo caller, petrol pump attendant and Formula 1 racing driver.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Maybe if I did something like took a bunch of schoolgirls hostage, raped them all to death and then rushed out into the besieging SWAT team to be gunned down in a hail of bullets
Poor Octavia, that'll take thousands off the value of their place. Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Ooh, I did that. It said I should be an airline pilot, antiques dealer or spy. Three very similar careers, I'm sure you'll agree.
When asked at age 6 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said 'grasshopper'. It hasn't happened yet, though I do get a funny noise when I rub my legs together.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I did do one of those tests in school that tells you what you're going to be. It was called "morrisby" and I ended up with "administrator". I found it at my parents' house a couple of years ago and nearly wept at the horror of it. It was never a case of what I wanted to do, but rather, what my dad thought I should do, which was get involved in politics. So I never really thought about what I actually wanted.
You know, all I ever really fantasised about when I was a kid was having a well stocked drinks cabinet. Strange but true. I couldn't wait to be able to drink Jack Daniels whenever I wanted. I thought that would be the best thing ever. That, and I wanted to be either a computer hacker like the kid in WarGames or a drop out skateboarder like the kid in Gleaming the Cube.
[ 29.05.2007, 07:11: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: airline pilot, antiques dealer or spy
You could be all three! There's a popular novel just waiting to be written, right there. Your codename would be "the Grasshopper".
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: You know, all I ever really fantasised about when I was a kid was having a well stocked drinks cabinet.
[ 29.05.2007, 07:24: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I tend to just glaze over and stop paying attention when people talk about houses. Same with holidays. Recycling, however, I could talk about for hours.
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Yep I did that test where you filled in the little boxes in pencil - I seem to recall it coming back with Lorry Driver, Navy diver, formula 1 pit crew and some slightly more dull ones which have faded from my mind in the midsts of time.
I guess I am kind of lucky in what I would really like to do, ie Rock Photographer, I actually do albeit in a (mostly) unpaid capacity, but the memories are certainly a good substitute for cold hard cash.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: You know, all I ever really fantasised about when I was a kid was having a well stocked drinks cabinet. Strange but true.
I thought the best thing about being grown up would be being able to have Findus Crispy Pancakes for dinner every night. My ice compartment at the top of the fridge would have as many as I wanted. My only concern in life would be whether to have spicy beef or cheese and ham filling that night, and with peas or sweetcorn.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Increasingly this is all my friends talk about. I just... I don't understand when or how it happened, but I know it didn't always used to be like this.
Fuck me, I was at a dinner party at the weekend and was pulled up on a reference to "Joyce" that I made in desperate attempt to jump the tracks of the conversation off of "the local schools are so good around here version 8.0" and onto something that made me feel less like killing myself.
It backfired in the worst possible way as I was obliged to go into an excruciating explanation along the lines of: Joyce. James Joyce. James Joyce the Irish writer. James Joyce the difficult modernist Irish writer who wrote Ulysses and hence the import of my off-the-cuff remark about presenting a 12yo with a page thereof. Stop looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT MEEEE YOU FCCKING CCCCCNTS.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
JIIG-HAL (a sentient machine respesented by a red dot in my mind) told me that I was destined to become a Naval Architect.
JIIG-HAL was wrong.
One of my friends wanted to be a train driver and actually followed it through. The company replaced the old trains with new plastic ones (crap to drive, apparenty), banned smoking and radios in the cab, so he gave it up. Also, he forgot to stop at a couple of stations, so I'm not sure the decision was entirely his. These days he works in an office working out timetables for engineering works.
He's doing alright for himself though. Just got himself a buy-to-let property in Kent...
Oh god! Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
All I wanted to be as a kid was a writer, like Enid Blyton. If I had ever carried it through, TMO would have squashed that dream like a bug.
I've always admired how many of the posters here write flowing, interesting posts. Not like my stuttering crap.
Stupid TMO
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
I did actually go to a fancy dress party with the theme of "when I grow up I want to be..." I was invited at the last minute, so didn't have time to get together a She-Ra costume, and fell back on the easy default of cowgirl (already got hat, boots and denim skirt, therefore only needed to purchase toy gun). There were some quite good costumes there- characters from Fame, Grease etc. Lots of nurses, pirates and musketeers and a magician, police officer, Princess Leia and Del Boy. Also, this party was on a boat and had a free bar.
I always wanted to work with animals, I think, and then had vague ideas about being a cool music journalist during my teens.
Currently, I'd really like to work at the Natural History Museum in some capacity, or in the racing industry. Ideally, I would be Head Horse Namer for Coolmore or Godolphin- basically swinging on gates watching cute foals playing and thinking up great winning names.
Edit: part of the reason I really can't bear the thought of turning 30 is knowing how much duller conversations are going to get. It's ten times worse when you're not even qualified to join in discussions about mortgages/weddings/DIY.
[ 29.05.2007, 07:50: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: the best thing about being grown up would be being able to have Findus Crispy Pancakes for dinner every night
My dreams of being grown up involved having a house with excitingly designed slides instead of stairs, and dodgem-style cars to drive around in. Sort of a cross between the Monkees' and the Banana Splits' TV shows.
Ah, the Banana Splits. Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: hence the import of my off-the-cuff remark about presenting a 12yo with a page thereof. Stop looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT MEEEE YOU FCCKING CCCCCNTS.
Tom: Oh, they really -
Vicky: yes, they're really good around here. James knows somebody on the school board -
Tom: Andrew
Paul: Andrew as in Reuters Andrew?
Tom: No, you don't know this Andrew
Vicky: He's an old friend from Uni
Tom: My Uni, not Vicki's
Paul: ...but I've met him haven't I? At your barbeque last year?
Vicky: Yes! Yes, he was there!
Tom: Ah, of course, you must have met him, then.
Paul: Nice guy, if I remember. Nice t-shirt
Vicky: Oh don't be mean!
Paul: What! I wasn't! lol. I thought it was a nice t-shirt
Claire: You can talk
Tom: ANYWAY, lol, back to the point -
Vicky: lol
Claire: Hang on, which barbeque was this..?
Tom: Rolleyes
Everybody: lol
Tom: BACK TO THE POINT - The schools round here really are excellent, and Andrew reckons there's a good chance... (knowing look)
Paul: lol, You're not saying that -
Vicky: now now Paul...we wouldn't dream of it... (wink)
Tom: Of course, some of James' friends will be going to St. Clagghorn
Claire: Ohhh, would you send him private?
Vicky: I -
Paul: Didn't you go private, Tom?
Tom: For a few years, and you know, it's nowhere near as bad as you might think.
Vicky: But we're looking to send James to Christchurch
Claire: Doesn't - Paul - don't we know somebody who's just sent their son there?
Paul: Oh....errrm... yes I think Matt and Jenny... What's his name...Alfie I think...
Ben: Oh, Oh fucking "alfie" is it? Fucking Alfie and fucking Christchurch? I suppose he's some kind of literary genius now is he, now that's he's going to Christchurch..
Vicky: No, I think Claire was -
Ben: I know what Claire was doing. Trying to make us all feel like we're shit-brained dribbling fuckbags because we didn't all go to some ridiculous concentration camp for -
Paul: Ben -
Ben: No, no, it's fine, I'm sure it's a veritable production line of artists and thinkers, who'll by some unhappy coincidence all end up queasily pushing pens for pennies in order to afford a little dubious fun before they die. They couldn't tell Joyce from my arsehole after the so-called 'education' you're talking about there, they -
Vicky: Ben, let's not go into this Joyce thing again, please, we're trying to have a nice night.
Paul: I told you what he's like without Deborah...
Ben: This Joyce thing! The Joyce thing! Do any of you so-called 'educated people' even know who Joyce is?
everybody: "......"
Ben: Let me tell you about Joyce. And remember, I didn't go to Christchurch or St Shit-hope. University of life, pal. University of life.
Tom: Here we go...
[ 29.05.2007, 08:05: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
squeegy at a fancy dress party
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
lol at Big Nuts
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i might have that fancy dress party, just so that i can open the door to everyone who arrives dressed as a nun. that would rock so many bells, itd be like a constant call to compline in my head.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
lol&bignuts.
I just remembered my main plan on turning grown up was owning a sweet shop. My best mate's aunt owned a sweet shop, and I just found this concept mind-blowingly awesome. You lived above the shop, and you could have anything in the shop whenever you wanted. Not just 20p each Friday- ALL SWEETS WHENEVER YOU WANTED. You didn't even have to open the shop if you didn't feel like it- you could sit and eat sweets all day, because they were all yours.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
When I was a kid I wanted to be either Batman or some sort of dashing adventurer/pirate. Then, when I was more grown up I wanted to be Hunter S. Thompson, or at least a gonzo journalist like HST, but preferably without the writing responsibilities, just, you know, the drugs and mezcal and firearms and debauchery. Then I got a couple of proper jobs under my belt and it all sort of faded away.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I can’t really remember what I wanted to be when I was a kid. I think I wanted to be an astronaut because I was always watching Star Trek. I might also have wanted to be a race car driver, because I loved motorsports. In school I had to make a choice between cars and computers and probably made the wrong decision.
I have a bit of a dream still though, perhaps not completely unrealistic, but I think it would be fantastic to own my own shop. A computer shop probably. Spending my days in the shop, fixing computers, building them, talking to enthusiasts about the latest parts, that kind of thing. I think I’d find that really really rewarding. Maybe I’d have a lad who comes in and works for me a few days a week too. Of course I know there would be a lot more work than that, and 90% of it would be money related, but just having your own little business where you make the decisions, you answer to nobody buy yourself and create your own success, yeah I think I’d love to do that.
Go on, laugh at me and piss on my dreams like I did to Dang when he laughably put forward a business idea where he has a magic van that people plug their iPods into and download music because it’s more convenient to do it in a car park than from your own PC.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
That reminds me of the TMO shopping street we were going to have. I was going to run a cheese shop, with a pickles cupboard called the 'chutney locker', and there would be book shops, delis, chandlers, and everything the discerning middle class wanker could desire.
As well as a cheese shop I'd like to run a hardware shop, with the walls lined with bits and bobs that only I could find. And I'd do key-cutting.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
they make a nasty noise though, those key cutters
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I'd block out the noise with a jaunty pair of furry ear-muffs.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
not'arf, missus
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
after i realised that there was possibly more to being a nun than riding around on a moped looking serene, i decided that i would like to work in a shoe shop, but only the children's section, and only if it meant that i got to measure feet with the foot- measuring thing with the slding jaws and the belt that you pulled tight. god i loved that thing- and for the early part of my childhood my parents were quite poor so buying shoes was, in terms of excitement, not only the equivalent of a visit to the cinema or bembom brothers amusement park, but the replacement for those activities, so its a good thing really that i loved having my feet measured so much otherwise the years between 1978 and 1982 would have been essentially joyless. on a tmo shopping street, i would like to have a shoe shop, selling a very paltry selection of quite ugly shoes, but every time you went in you would have your feet measured in an adult sized measuring gauge. and i would be in charge of the measuring thing! and i would be able to measure my feet at any time, even when i wasnt at work! what bliss that would be.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
bembom brothers was awesome. I went there when it was dreamland in the mid nineties and they still had a dude sitting at the front and doing the brakes on the rollercoaster. also this ride made my friend sick.
[ 29.05.2007, 08:44: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
lol @ Nuts. I know it's not the most sympathetic of predicaments but I categorically was not the bad guy in that situation.
All these fuckers have degrees and they all earn about five-to-eight times the amount that I do... I was making what I thought would be a reasonable jest, given the context, but was made to feel like I was fourteen again and cruising for a severe bruising.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Man, I thought I was the only one who loved the foot measuring thing! (surely it must have a special name- the Pedometer maybe?) Something about the way the assistant very gently pulled the tape over your foot- not too tight, but securely snug. The big shoe shop in Poole used to have a rocking horse in the kids section, which made up for the clunking, round-toed, T-bar buckle up sensible horror-clogs my mother always insisted on buying.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I liked the sensation of socks on smooth plastic. It was almost clinical like going the doctor's, but without any threat of impending agony.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
the electric one was scary though, because you had to rely on the hope that the thing wasn't going to completely crush your poor, soft feet.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Ooh yes. It was the way the tape measure bit fitted snugly in the arch of the foot, almost tickling but not quite. Maybe it was our first erotic experience. Surprising we're not all foot fetishists, who can be brought to the brink of orgasm by the sight of those two Start Rite children walking off into the distance.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
there was an electric one? oh, boy.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: I want to be a window cleaner. There'd be something quite entertaining about hanging off the side of a massive office building by a couple of cables, moving slowly past a seemingly endless parade of bored employees, framed behind glass. It'd be like visiting a different zoo every day.
Me dad used to do that. It's not as nice being strung from the side of a building when it's a really hot day and the building is white. You roast. And sweat. And perspire. And cook. And wish you could be in there, where the employees are looking very pleased with themselves and their air conditioning, thank you very much, Mr. Philes.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: The big shoe shop in Poole used to have a rocking horse in the kids section
If you go back there, you realise that the shop is quite tiny and just appeared big because you were ever so small.
As a kid I wanted to be a writer, and I've still got some of the old stories I used to write and that my sister and father used to mock, including a werewolf one I wrote at the age of eight and to which my dad's only comment was "pacing seems a bit off". I did want to be an engineer for a bit, because I thought it meant I could just invent things. Spend all day coming up with stuff that no-one had thought of before. But then... you know. Laws of physics and all that.
These days my dream job would probably involve just sitting on my own in a room somewhere writing sarcastic comments about films and computer games. If i really had to do something that was a proper job... the thing I liked most in my - lol - career was when I was working for MottMacDonald just churning out stories for their customer magazine. I really enjoyed that. Just loads of notes and interviews and turning them into snappy corporate puff with no substance. There were loads of other things i had to do, which I hated, but that part was good.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: The gulf between childhood dreams and the soul-crushing destination which most of us have reached would be just too much - people would get blitzed and start cutting themselves and writing poetry about their shattered aspirations.
I know that. My brother-in-law wanted to be a barn owl when he was little.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I had a look on ebay, but I can't find any 1980s shoe size measuring devices at all.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
that looks pretty sucky compared to Legoland Windsor.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: there was an electric one? oh, boy.
yeah, it was a shiny metal trough with an automatic bar. You put your foot in and the bar would slowly move down towards your foot, stopping once it hit it. But there was always the fear that it wouldn't stop.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'm surprised nobody has invented a child's shoe that can grow as the child does. It'd have to make extensive use of Lycra® I suppose, with two separate sections of sole for heel end and toe end. Perhaps a system of metal rails linking the two.
I could have been an inventor. I did a degree in inventing, you know...
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
FFS! Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
What a shit idea, Misc. Inventors are such dreamers. You'd never make a shoe like that because there's no replacement value. Kids are little goldmines, constantly growing out of things and wearing them out. Why invent something which is specifically designed to allow people to give you less money. Stupid.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: What a shit idea, Misc. Inventors are such dreamers. You'd never make a shoe like that because there's no replacement value. Kids are little goldmines, constantly growing out of things and wearing them out. Why invent something which is specifically designed to allow people to give you less money. Stupid.
They'd cost £750.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
No parent in the world is going to pay £750 for a pair of kids' shoes. You just know the next day the kid would come home shoe-less having traded them with his mate for Batman trading cards and Sunny Delight.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
They lock onto the child's foot by means of a chastity belt style Secure Lacing System™.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
This is like university all over again.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Yeah but unless they're made from carbon-kevlar, lined with lead, covered with high durability rubber, even if the shoe were physically able to fit around the foot of the child, the child would inevitably wear them out in 6 months regardless. Kids aren't like us, they don't just schlep about the office all day on soft carpets.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
What if the kid's at school and is going to play some sport? Or go swimming? And at £750 how do they offer better value than just buying normal shoes as necessary, which would offer more versatility? Even if you wound up spending £750 on regular shoes over the course of five or so years, you'd be getting a brand new pair of shoes every few months, rather than spending the same on one pair of shoes that got crudded up and worn out.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
They're made of carbon nanotubes. So fuck you both!
Also, they have retractable wheels, pop-up headlamps and a range of replaceable skins (gym, formal, wellington, diving flippers, etc) and accessories including an OLED screen which allows the wearer to sneakily watch cartoons during lessons.
[ 29.05.2007, 09:24: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I'm sorry but the only future I can see for these shoes is tepid initial sales followed by a series of incresaingly desperate marketing promotions - like offering, with every pair bought, £10 worth of downloads from Mad Dang's Shit MP3 Van.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Also, they have a paedo detector in the sole. Any parent who doesn't buy these shoes is basically asking for their child to get kidnapped and raped-to-death¹. A double page advertisement spread in the Daily Mail should be all the marketing these puppies need.
[ 29.05.2007, 09:29: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Now you're just being silly
(would the paedo detector cause the shoes to automatically kick the paedo to death?)
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
in the shins, yeah...
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: (would the paedo detector cause the shoes to automatically kick the paedo to death?)
No I think they would have a wireless broadband connection which upon abduction would simultaneously and grossly inacurately notify all local hate mobs of the local suspect (usually a paedeatrician, podiatrist or pedantic person) and their home address, telephone number and so on, re-write tomorrows tabloids of the heinous crime and heroic murder of an innocent party, and advertise the hasbro 'baberape' alarm system to all parents and teachers throughout the western world.
[ 29.05.2007, 09:40: Message edited by: Waynster ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
when i was a kid i wanted to join the army and be like my dad. then, luckily before realizing that i'd be no use in the army ("do you really need to be shouting at me?") i worked out i was colour blind so that was out. then i sort of bumbled along into science. when i was doing science i used to think about a record store. i'm still thinking about that. i think that might work.
i feel i missed the property boat though. maybe i should buy something in croatia.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Approximately 70% of my conversations over the Bank Holiday weekend were made up of house prices/ home improvement/ the impact of the congestion charge on house prices and decluttering. The remaining 30% was mostly bitching about people off off the internet, the Manic Street Preachers and Berlin (city, not band). Nathan would probably have committed hari kari after five minutes in my presence.
[ 29.05.2007, 09:50: Message edited by: Louche ]
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Doc D - Berlin mate I have it on good authority is the place to invest - flats from €25000 euros! Might have a gander myself
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Misc, man, you need to watch The Man in the White Suit before embarking on your madcap shoe venture.
Actually, what about a madcap? If you were mad, you'd wear it, and it would have little probes and things on the inside, sensors and shit, and it would make you not mad if you wore it all day. Possibly.
[ 29.05.2007, 09:54: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
you know, i just thought "berlin" great music, home of the third reich, er wait. no seriously. i was *just* looking there.
right. anyone know how i can get a job working at tresor?
or does anyone know anyone who wants to employ an exscientist?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: anyone know how i can get a job working at tresor?
Send them your CV?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
damo maybe you could sell yourself to tresor as their resident scientist. you could sit at a little booth in the chillout room and explain science things to people who were on loads of drugs, like how you blung up the worms' dna with injections of solid gold or whatever it was you did. ime techno is the International Music of Geeks fo' sheezy, i bet theyd be bang up for it.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i can't see them being interested in a biology nerd. maths and electronics geeks yes, biology no.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
oh i thought you meant the perfume
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Misc, man, you need to watch The Man in the White Suit before embarking on your madcap shoe venture.
It seems I do need to watch that film. Bonus - it's got Obi-Wan Kenobi in it!
Before you edited that post, and it just said "Misc needs to watch", I got a little scared, thinking I'd really offended you. I half expected your edit to say "Misc needs to watch his back..." but somehow the half finished sentence was even more menacing.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Misc needs to watch his fucking mouth
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
LOL, shut up Ringo.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
these carbon nanotubes, do you have a license to them? or are you making them using your own process?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
firstly, damo, youre not a nerd, youre a geek. geeks are hotter, a geek is a nerd who girls actually want to have sex with. wait a minute wait a minute i am having an amazing idea. damo you should start a geek escort company! geek gigolos. wait a minute, hear me out. i know loads of relatively high- earning geek girls who arent getting any, and might feasibly pay for a sexdate with a man if the men in question werent all like, urgh, muscles and tuxedos and 'lets talk about you baby i just want to know about you lets not talk about me lets talk about you'. i know loads of girls whod be like, no, fuck off, talk to me about ALGORITHMS. or BIOLOGY. or SUNN (((0 records or ROBOTS. or OTHER GEEKY THINGS. so basically what we're talking about is finding loads of hott geek boys, possibly slightly socially inept, who are prepared to take money from and have hott sex with hott geek girls, also possibly slightly socially inept, but you see what happens? you take away the main cause of social ineptitude, ie 'are we going to have sex' stuff, and youve got yourself a BINGO situation!
theres a flaw in my cunning plan, somewhere, isnt there. what is it. there must be a flaw, otherwise it is too fucking perfect!
[ 29.05.2007, 10:18: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
these geek girls, are they choosy about looks and stuff?
edit: ah i see you're asking for HOTT geek boyz. ah.
i can only add this comment about my last lab. they looked perfect in the lab. if you needed someone to appear as a generic scientist. these were your fellas. they all had that pasty "we don't get out too much look". i fitted in a treat.
[ 29.05.2007, 10:21: Message edited by: doc d ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
No but they have poor personal hygiene.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
well, you know, a few of them like beards? as opposed to not actively loathing them. i suppose thats the opposite of choosy?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I love TMO. "When I grow up I want to be a hott geek gigolo escort, banging nerdy geek chicks for cash."
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: these carbon nanotubes, do you have a license to them? or are you making them using your own process?
My own process. It involves employing prenatal sweat shop workers because of their tiny hands. Roomfuls of Chinese pregnants sit around sewing the linings, meanwhile their embryos get to grips with the nano-stuff. That's Eastern fucking teamwork for you. Every hour, when the manufacture is finished, the woman births a completed and store-ready shoe.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
misc: i may be able to raise some investment in that.
mart: really, as i'm trying to start an agency here. if you have access to hott geeks i can cut you a licensing deal.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
theres nothing that says we cant groom the geeks a little bit. i could be the stylist! teach them about hygiene and sexy footwear (instead of grubby white leather trainers eww). maybe with the extra readies from the gigolo-ing they could afford to work one day less in the lab, and get some sunshine and fresh air. but we would still leave their essence of geek untampered with.
this is turning into a bad channel 4 dating programme isnt it. i wouldnt make my geeks read heat magazine or stuff! or wear fake tan.
[ 29.05.2007, 10:31: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
i'm afraid i get all my hott-geek needs right here at tmo
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Hey doesn't Big Brother start tomorrow?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
oh shit. i'm glad i have no television.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
wait a minute damo. i thought you were in amerikkka. why is it relevance to you if big brother starts tomorrow? have you moved back to the mothership again?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
anyway, isn't it the case that, actually, what geekgirls are wanting is to date the saucy hott boy who works in that other department, the guy who's all stylish and cool and shit, but won't give poor geekgirl a second glance.
and geekboy fantasises about having it off with shiny sparkly attractivegirl in that same department, who is probably sleeping with saucy hott boy.
isn't that the point? they both want to do sex with a sexy non-geek.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
bingowings! edit: not in my old lab mart, not in my old lab.
[ 29.05.2007, 10:37: Message edited by: doc d ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
so what happened in your old lab? who was wanting what?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
it was incestuous and trans-species.
there were fly geeks getting it on with worm geeks. there was a worm geek getting it on with a mouse geek.
hybrids everywhere.
there was no cross-school geek love, no humanities loving scientists.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
basically i think i know lots of girls who have watched ghost world too many times and are a bit deluded, but you know. its a plan.
edit: maybe its that most of my geek girls are humanities geeks, they fetishise the science geeks but over- accuentuate the positive ie the algorithms and sexy maths chat without thinking about the negatives complexion- wise.
[ 29.05.2007, 10:45: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i think that when fantasy becomes reality our business will fall apart.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I suppose you could have a bit of both going on – geeks that get groomed up, and hott studs that we geek down, and offer both services.
“Geekscort offers you, the intelligent shy, female geek with low self-esteem and underdeveloped social skills, the choice of ideal partner. We provide authentic male geeks, who share your own inadequacies and are just as shy out of the lab as you are. Alternatively, we also supply more traditional male escorts who have been specially trained in our purpose-built nerd environment, who will have you out of your labcoat and hotter than a Bunsen burner before you know it!”
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
unless... as well as schooling the geeks in deoderant and footwear and basic social skills, i also... tutor them in the ways of venus.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i mean, teach them how to be good at sex. theyd probably know more about astronomy than me.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i... wasnt just suggesting this idea as a way of building up a harem of hott geeks for my personal 24- 7 use, by the way. that wasnt my intention at all. id like to make that clear.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
although, if when theyre not working we could keep them in cages, in a mock -up underground lab lined with panels of flashing LEDs, and i could wear a special customised whate labcoat and fishnets and walk around with a clipboard, that would be... okay.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Geeks are always working! But yeah, they'd like that.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
How -or why- would you customise your labcoat (apart from it being 'whate')? I mean, what modifications would it require? Special sexyflaps and hottpockets and shag-lapels, that sort of thing?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
would you introduce grant writing deadlines, making them extra stressed out and liable to *explode* with lust?
i mean. that's what i hear drives them.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
nobody really wears labcoats unless they're doing something mucky.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Why are you dressed as a chef?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
thats not a labcoat. thats a chef's coat. theres a difference. one is worn by mucky sex- geeks, the other is worn by chefs and guitar ponces.
my labcoat would have special pockets so that i could always carry around a selection of large test- tubes, which i would fondle suggestively whilst talking about grant submissions. i would never use the word application. only submission.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Woo, yeah, awesome gig guys, we rocked! Now everyone back to my place and I'll whip us up a quiche! Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i told that story about the lab coat, the used condom and the shit stained toilet rag left in my old lab didn't i?
mucky. lab coats.
but, yeah, misc, where on earth did you get the chefs coat from?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i dont know if id bother starting a dating agency for women who wanted to have sex with chefs, unless the women were all masochists, and liked being screamed at or alternatively treated with withering disdain for four hours until the date was over when eh then became all smiley an apologetic.
sorry, little bit of ex- waitress humour there.
[ 29.05.2007, 11:15: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
imagine sex with gordon ramsay.
brrr
:
penis out hard come done
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Not a lab coat, as such... a tight white dress, with a zipper down the front and a big round silver ring-pull on the zipper. Cleavage. Hair up. Spectacles balanced on the end of your nose. Clipboard, yes. Chewing on a pencil.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
are you wearing that?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
im all confused now, i was going to write apost where i was being gordon ramsay berating his wife for giving a terrible blowjob, and now black mask is wanting to up the sexy quotient of my labcoat, and im like... not sexy/ sexy/ not sexy/ sexy. where to go, how to act, what to type. its a blinding dichotomy. its actually, well, the choice whether to act sexy or not sexy is pretty much a constant one for me, as it is for all women under the patriachy.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
mostly, i pretty much go for the 100% all- sexy all the time option, as you will no doubt have gauged over the last, eh, seven years.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
The sexual power of the labcoat is derived specifically from its lack of overt sexuality. If you start to sex it up, all you got is another slut in a dress. About as sexy as haemorrhoids.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: are you wearing that?
Not... any... more...
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: The sexual power of the labcoat is derived specifically from its lack of overt sexuality. If you start to sex it up, all you got is another slut in a dress. About as sexy as haemorrhoids.
Gay.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Maybe 'roids are sey if you're a biologist. Do you and your friends at the science factory exchange anecdotes about sexy bum grapes?
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i think a thread about what celebrities say when they're having sex could be really funny. it could be dreadful and embarrassing, but it could be really funny.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
helen keller:
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
im looking for the thing i wrote about having sex with alan sugar aka The Sugardaddy (it was a dream! we are not in control of our sub- conscious!) but i cant find it.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
Did he say "I fired!" at the end?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
oh ew no he didnt. after i mentioned this to other people, it seemed that i was not the only one who had experienced strange sexual dreams about alan sugar, and that some disgusting pervert women (not mentioning any names COUGHAMPSTER) actually fancied him. revolting.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by doc d: helen keller:
Shhhhh...
Sssssssssss...ssss...ssss...
WAAAAAGHH-BLEUUURRRGGHHHH-BWWWWWAAAAAHHHH-NYYAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!! Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: oh ew no he didnt. after i mentioned this to other people, it seemed that i was not the only one who had experienced strange sexual dreams about alan sugar, and that some disgusting pervert women (not mentioning any names COUGHAMPSTER) actually fancied him. revolting.
I call bullshit. I don't think there's anything attractive about Alan Sugar other than his money and position of power. Take those away and he's nothing more than a leather-faced little troll
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: Doc D - Berlin mate I have it on good authority is the place to invest - flats from €25000 euros! Might have a gander myself
I can add my recommendation to that. I'm in the midst of sighting out a property in Stadtmitte, not far from Checkpoint Charlie.
I'd like to say that it's going to be the base for my Central European operations, but I'll be boring and say that it is merely an investment. It's also not far from our favourite sushi restaurant.
ETA: I wanted to be a pilot when I was little. My father fixed aircraft, I wanted to fly them.
[ 29.05.2007, 15:01: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
[mini rant] That's the one, you get over there as quick as you can and snap up all the affordable flats that might have gone to someone genuinely in need of one, just so you can rent it out to some up and coming tosser willing to rent over the odds for a few modern furnishings. So what if, because the actions of you and people like you, a whole section of society in this country (and now seemingly having sucked dry the housing market in the UK turn instead to raping someone elses market for your own ends) are unable to get a foot on the property ladder without getting mortgages beyond their means to repay. Not just 'poor' people either. So what, so long as you get your nice little slice of the pie, your own little property empire you can talk about with your equally soulless dead eyed friends at dinner parties. So long as you get your money that's all good isn't it. [/mini rant]
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i was looking at moving over there ringo. seriously.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I'll let you off then
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Me too. We could end up being Nachbarn, Doc. D. O, perish the thought.
Posted by doc d (Member # 781) on :
i'm with you on the rant though. i alternate between laughing and crying when i see the prices 'round here.
and all because we have to own a house, and the prices can only go up can't they, and oh we have to live here because the school's are good, oh no we couldn't send our kids to the *brown* school, oh no we're too busy to be on the school board and get things right in our neighbourhood school.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Im always going to spell it 'spurm' now.
Though I dont recall the last time actually needed I needed to write sperm/spurm. But when I do, and it is bound to happen eventually, it will be 'spurm'.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Also is Ghost World (as mentioned earlier) any good? I probably qualify as a geek if that helps? It has appeared in my house you see...
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I liked the house rant, Ringo. Tears prick the back of my eyes when I look at the houses around here. Rows upon rows of massive 4 bed victorian houses....and I can't even afford a one bed flat. I....I'm frightened.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I might let some dirty old men prick the back of my tears instead.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
If a little disjointed, it's still the best thing that Scarlett Johanson has been in.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I might let some dirty old men prick the back of my tears instead.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
That's the first time my double post has had a benny sandwich. Amazing.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
it makes it all read a little better!
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Having just had a look at this story I learnt of the existence of 'ethicists', whose job seems to be just to sound off about whether or not something should be allowed to happen. Like, if you wanted to do an experiment then you'd pitch it to a gang of ethicists and they'd go "Yeah, whatever I don't give a shit about black people anyway", or "lol, no way dude, what the hell are you thinking?" So i think I'd like to do that. I reckon it's something I'd really enjoy, and I could feel like I was really putting my mark on society, which is what society needs.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
I was reading earlier about an anthropologist who offered to pay local people a fixed amount of money for every piece of human bone they found at a site he was investigating in China.
Apparently he had to change the rules when he realised that they were finding excellent examples of large pieces of intact bone, then smashing them up into little bits to get the extra cash.
In that spirit I think I'd like to go around the world tricking idiots that had more money than sense. I think I'd watch a few episodes of The Real Hustle and just then set off and see what I could do. They make it look pretty easy, and I don't suppose they show the programme anywhere else so no one there know the tricks.
[ 30.05.2007, 11:06: Message edited by: dang65 ]
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Also is Ghost World (as mentioned earlier) any good?
No. Thora Birch is embarrassingly bad. Damn near unwatchable. Can't comment on the comic book.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Comic book is just as bad. The sort of thing people (idiot people) wheel out and go "Ahh! Look comics aren't just about superheroes! Ahh!"
Surely the best things Scarlett Johansson has been in are The Man Who Wasn't There and The Prestige.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
