I recently passed a bit of a landmark. Well this morning, actually, when I stepped onto the scales and breached the magical 15 stone for the first time ever. What emotions this fills me with. Pride at the sheer amount of food I've put away in recent years; sadness that I couldn't have rammed yet more down my gullet; wistfulness in recalling all the items of clothing I can no longer wear without looking like some sort of grotesque pink mid-transformation Incredible Hulk.
Anyway, enough is emotherfuckingnough. In two months' time I'm going to a wedding in the Netherlands at which there will be a whole raft of people with whom I used to attend sixth form - the vast majority, I haven't seen in at least ten years. The idea of turning up and being clocked as having "seriously gone to fucking seed, man - God he was pitiful" is chastening to say the least... and I'm not usually all that bothered (or at least not bothered enough to stop eating crap) about my weight and general fitness, but this 'ben, a decade on' perspectinve kind of pulled me up short - as did the sight of some recently rediscovered snaps of me taken on the beach (more accurately: beached) in Cuba.
wtf is that sagging buttock of flesh that seems to be the focal point of each image? O that'll be the old stomach, then.
So: I have two months in which to make an impact on this wrecked and neglected system of mine. In order to spur myself on I thought I'd log my progress here, the better to make the threat of humiliation - even banishment - real if I should fail in my task. A good initial target, they always reckon is to shed around 10% of one's mass, which in my case would be about 21 pounds. Obviously there's little chance of doing this in just 60 days, but I could make a dent in it, I think.
I started this morning with yoga and a bowel of porridge; for lunch today I'm going to stick to fruit and yoghurt - with a comparatively normal main meal in the evening. Fans of my patented 'second breakfast' will be distressed to hear that I'm quitting the daily Full English for the duration - perhaps making it a fully grilled treat for a Sunday morning...
This evening I'll compound a day of starving agony with the tripple whammy of yoga, running and sit ups. It won't be fucking pretty, I can tell you.
Any encouragement, advice, motivational slogans very welcome - plus your own tearjerking tales of hand-to-hand combat with the demon flab...
quote:Originally posted by ben: Any encouragement, advice, motivational slogans very welcome - plus your own tearjerking tales of hand-to-hand combat with the demon flab...
My advice: don't get Misc started.
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posted
I've been trying to do the same Ben, even to the extremes of giving up smoking for more energy and giving up drinking during the week. The bonus part of the giving up drinking is I don't eat as much because a meal isn't really a meal without a bottle of wine. Perhaps the best thing I can recommend is trying to find an exercise that you actually enjoy as then you're definitely going to stick at it. The best thing really is if you know someone else who also wants to lose some weight and likes the same activity as you, you can team up and motivate each other. Squash is an excellent one, lots of running, lots of fun, you can twat the ball into the back of your opponents thigh. It's all good.
posted
i'll join in if you want additional misery = company i've 11 pounds to shed, hide, lose, bury and otherwise get rid of to reach my pre-mart weight before the big 30
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posted
I'm not sure what I weigh but would guess at about 12 stone. When I was about 20 I managed to weigh exactly the same as Misc. I also have the satisfaction of being one inch taller than him, giving me a superior BMI. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the weekend and was quite pleased to see the first signs of belt-overhang. I kind of like the idea of being middle-aged: it sets me apart from all the 20 year old skinnies that fuck me off so very very much.
But anyway, that was through rather experimental dieting. I used to practice skipping breakfast, and lunch and consuming a lot of apples. When dinner came around I used to eat a packet of Sanwa noodles from Morrisson's (usually curry flavour) which also had the advantage of costing only 19 pence. The only disadvantages I noticed were (a) my stomach occasionally used to have a paddy (b) I felt pretty fucked up more or less all the time. Except when I had been drinking, natch. Oh and (c) I used to shake a bit but that isn't really much better now, many years on.
So, yeah. If you want to lose weight, just eat a packet of Sanwa noodles a day. Or you could try eating half your dinner, going to the toilet and chucking it up, then eating the other half. Y'know, whatever works for you.
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quote:Originally posted by Grianagh: and here's a tip <californian hippy mode> give up the dairy dude! </californian hippy mode>
Do dairy dudes taste nice?
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scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
With you all the way, ben. Have been steadily gaining a pound here, a pound there for the last 6 months and am over my comfortable weight by a good few of the little bastards now. After a couple of weeks of dieting, I have shed 3 pounds. After just ONE weekend of eating cheese (colossal quantities to be fair) I have put them all back on again. I have two weeks (actually, less than that - 10 days) before I have to go and sit on a boat in a bikini with a load of blonde, waif-like cocaine addicts. This means I have ten days to lose the three pounds again, plus another four. This shall be mostly achieved through a diet of vegetable soup, grilled fish/chicken and vegetables, and wheat free everything. And jogging and swimming, and no alcohol or dairy. yeah yeah yeah. I'll race you to the sexy finish line Ben.
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quote:Originally posted by SilverGinger5: *Backwards diet.
There is a certain logic to that, I suppose, having all your energy at the start of the day when it'll get burnt off. However, I can't help but think if I had an extra spicy chinese style lamb stir fry for breakfast I'd be feeling pretty goddamned ill for the rest of the day. It just seems fair to let your digestive system have a chance to warm up a bit before dumping 400g of carbohydrates, protein, and spice into it.
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posted
Actually, having just this second been writing about the astonishing defacatory disasters in the third world, I reckon your best bet to quick weight loss is surely going to be a devastating bout of gastro-eneritis coupled with diarrhoea.
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: There is a certain logic to that, I suppose, having all your energy at the start of the day
Indeed. I've heard about it before as well. Well, not like that but the advice, if you're going to eat fatty meal, then it's better to eat it early in the day so you will actually be able to use the energy during the day, rather than go to sleep and fatten up.
Also:
quote: On this backwards diet, Cunningham went from a size 22 to a size 1 in nine months.
What is a size 1?
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Actually, having just this second been writing about the astonishing defacatory disasters in the third world, I reckon your best bet to quick weight loss is surely going to be a devastating bout of gastro-eneritis coupled with diarrhoea.
I was wasting my life in front of some American sitcom (someone is a fat actress) last night and somebody suggested just that: get some parasite that will lost the weight for you. Another method was also suggested that was called the coy carp diet or something. Those fish that grow depending on the size of their environment. All you have to do is move into a small house and surround yourself with dwarves an you lose weight. Yes, it was a shit sitcom.
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quote:Originally posted by ben: I started this morning with yoga and a bowel of porridge; for lunch today I'm going to stick to fruit and yoghurt - with a comparatively normal main meal in the evening. Fans of my patented 'second breakfast' will be distressed to hear that I'm quitting the daily Full English for the duration - perhaps making it a fully grilled treat for a Sunday morning...
This will help. Are you kidding when you said you had a full English every morning, because unless you wrestle be/oars for a living, I don't think anyone needs this kind of energy to get to work, only to be followed up a couple of hours later with a lunch.
Any encouragement,
advice,
motivational slogans very welcome
- plus your own tearjerking tales of hand-to-hand combat with the demon flab...
GoooOOOOOOO bNe!!
When you start to shift some weight, try to ignore initial hunger pangs that settle around pre-determined times. - Just before lunch, on the way home. If you are going to snack to fill a gap snack very, very lightly and often. When I worked as a chef, everyone was really lean because they would pick at the food that didn't go out onto plates and just skip lunch.
Remember: A fat bastard at Christmas is not for life.
Myself? Currently 9 stone. Which I find surprising really. There's nothing to me. But for a while now I've been shaving breakfast and lunch right out and eating early in the evenings. I must find time to get food in me in the mornings though. I'm happy with how I look at the moment, but it took a long time to shed the initial 'fat' I didn't lose or gain any weight, but just managed to tone up a lot. Let all the muscle come to the surface.
Finally - ignore all of the above and see what works best for you. Cheesey gay cliche, but troo.
scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
yeah - ben, when you have hunger pangs, drink water or herbal tea instead and then wait for twenty minutes. It might be that you're just thirsty and the body is confusing the empty feeling for hunger.
Of course, it could also mean that your lunch of fruit and yoghurt didn't cut it and you're actuallly just starving to death. Have a herbal tea anyway. You'll feel better.
Gayest Dieting Tip Ever: Buy a shitload of herbal teas in as many random flavours as you can find. This way, the soul-destroying ritual of replacing bacon wiith flavoured water will at least have an element of unpredictability about it.
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posted
Criminy. 18 months after R moved in, I have put on about - actually, I don't know, I haven't got any scales. But I can't fit into any of my trousers any more, and have a pot belly that never used to exist. No doubt part of this is due to middle-aged spread, reduction of muscle mass, fall in metabolism blah blah, but the majority is due to the fact that three evenings a week used to comprise gym then soup, and now comprise no gym, big portions, and 'oh alright then just one glass... oh OK, two'.
I can fiddle around the edges with half-hearted jogs around the square outside, and only eating 'low GI' carbs, but I fear what is actually required is a rigorous exercise regime. How many calories get burned off by collecting aerobics classes timetables from various gyms?
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quote:Originally posted by scrawny: This way, the soul-destroying ritual of replacing bacon wiith flavoured water will at least have an element of unpredictability about it.
I like this. It must be a mammoth task to filter out the part of the brain that craves salty, saliva inducing bacon and replaces it for a craving of a cup of redberry, thistle and woopsickle root tea.
posted
I wish I had some mad drawing skills and a scanner in the office. I'd like to draw a visual representation, in the style of Manga, what Scrawny looks like resisting real food.
quote:Originally posted by herbs: How many calories get burned off by collecting aerobics classes timetables from various gyms?
Depends how you collect them. If you get in your car and drive to gyms, not many. If you wander off around the the neighbourhood on foot looking for gyms, plenty. Round here, the calories burned off walking to our nearest gym warrant never going inside. Is a good plan, and so much cheaper.
I found getting a paper round to be a useful gym alternative. I have to go every week, whether I like it or not, so no finding excuses. Plus, the gym membership costs £60 a month (this can't be normal can it?) and I earn twice that for my deliveries.
I hadn't realised that this piccy (or the version that was stolen anyway) is still missing. I thought they usually recovered these things fairly quickly.
It's quite exciting to think that something really famous can just disappear but still exist (presumably) and could turn up again one day. Maybe other famous things should be officially made to disappear for an unspecified time and then be brought back again as a surprise one day to make everyone go, "WOW!" instead of, "oh, it's that famous thing again.
Imagine if the Eiffel Tower was removed one night and stored in a shed somewhere secret until 2042 when it would be suddenly put back. Think of all the extra tourists Paris would get, a) from all the people that had seen the Eiffel Tower already and wanted to see what it looked like with just a space there, b) from all the people in 2042 who'd only seen photos and wanted to see the real thing, and c) from all the people that had seen it when they were young, before it disappeared and then wanted to relive their memories when it came back in 2042.
The Great Pyramids would work well too, although Atlantis did it first of course. Then I guess they just forgot which shed they'd put it in or something because it hasn't come back yet, and frankly I think they've missed their opportunity now.
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quote:Originally posted by dang65: I think I lost a few brain cells posting that. How much do they weigh?
The idea of losing weight by losing brain cells is fundamentally a good one. There are, however, two problems associated with this technique: (a) the best way to lose the brain cells on a reasonable timescale is to drink them away and, unfortunately, lager cells seem to weigh more than brain cells; and (b) my dead brain cells just hang around in my head, trying to put the other ones off their job. Bastards. Hence there is no overall weight loss.
[ 13.06.2005, 08:04: Message edited by: statist ]
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posted
Ben, I once saw a horrifying thread in Handbag Diets about dieting pills, for those who "eat healthily and exercise but just can't get thin!" So if your metabolism also defies basic laws of Physics, then this might be an option.
I don't want to lose weight, as I've no idea how much I weigh (last one I recall was for a Polish medical check in 2000, at 48 kg, which I still remember because I had no idea what a weight in kg meant). What I want is a body of firm tautness and toned suppleness. You know, like what people who do exercise have. Unlike a target weight loss, this is harder to quantify though. Unless I could use a spirit level on my belly? Where can you buy spirit levels?
However, there is no way the following words are ever going to be uttered from my mouth: "my gym", so I have to pursue other options. Yesterday I rang Crystal Palace to see what time the swimming pool was open, and it was closed all day! I mean, what am I supposed to do then?
Some tips for Ben:
- drink 1.5l of water before lunch out of a small bottle. This is obviously good for you, but also the act of walking to the tap to refill and to the toilet to piss it all out is exercise.
- don't dichotomise food into BAD and GOOD and make eating a martyr-ous activity. A bit of lard each day isn't going to kill you, as long as it's in moderation.
- take up ballet or ice skating. You don't see many fat ballet dancers or ice skaters, do you?
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quote: Plus, the gym membership costs £60 a month (this can't be normal can it?) and I earn twice that for my deliveries.
Crumbs, thats a well paid paper round! I think I got about a tenner for mines when I was a kid.
Having eaten only half a pita bread and two biscuits since Saturday evening I was pretty hungry by lunch time today. So I decided I needed a nice big lardy lunch....maybe a PIE...yeah...and CHIPS...mmmm....lummy...But no, when I get to the cafeteria I discover that it is fucking 'Health Eating Week'. Great. No chips...no pies... rubbish.
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Yesterday I rang Crystal Palace to see what time the swimming pool was open, and it was closed all day! I mean, what am I supposed to do then?
This always makes me chuckle. We had local swimming baths that was beautiful to swim in but they were open at some ridiculous time to the public at...I don't know 2.30pm on a Tuesday. It was almost as if it was punishing those by automatically excluding anyone who didn't dedicate their afternoon off for a swim in the nice swimming pool, rather than the Kojak inspired 'Oasis'
Don't be charmed by it's sweet orange glow. I once saw a disused needle inbetween all the tropical plants. I mean, who the hell goes to a swimming pool to shoot up? maybe that's where it's at. Scag and water slides.
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