TMO Talk: Why Southerners are so rich

This is topic Why Southerners are so rich in forum Sex and Relationships at TMO Talk.

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Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

Mr Lou figured out the secret behind the success of southerners the other day. They spend all their time thinking about their work, because they have nothing bigger to think about.

On a recent trip to Cambridge, we stopped to buy some lunch in Tesco, and spotted a box of extra large condoms. I suggested giving them a try, but Mr Lou seemed reluctant. So we didn't.

A couple of weeks later, we're back in Kent, and puzzling over why we didn't pick up a box of these condoms. So we start a hunt. Unfortunately, we are yet to find any anywhere, and I just wondered if anyone from Kent/Sussex/anywhere with a similar drought could offer any insight.

Penis First:

No.

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Mr Lou figured out the secret behind the success of southerners the other day. They spend all their time thinking about their work, because they have nothing bigger to think about.

What is this about? Please explain. [Confused]

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

Nowhere near here stocks extra large condoms. Therefore there must be little to no demand. Kentish women never seem to find the extra large condom-fillers, and spend more time on their work than in their beds.

Any clearer?

Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :

If I were a condom manufacturer, I would call all my products 'Extra Large'.

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Nowhere near here stocks extra large condoms. Therefore there must be little to no demand. Kentish women never seem to find the extra large condom-fillers, and spend more time on their work than in their beds.

Any clearer?

Your boyfriend is northern and unemployed? [Frown]

Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Nowhere near here stocks extra large condoms. Therefore there must be little to no demand.

Or they've just sold out due to excess demand?

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

Extra large condoms are a joke. Didn't you see that sex-ed video where they fill a condom up with about 10 litres* of water before it bursts. And as my biology teacher said:

"...and if that's not big enough for you, then see me after the lesson."

* = probable exaggeration

Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :

A few years ago my lovely wife and I we're on holiday in the south of France when we ran out of rubber johnnies.
I bought some French ones that we're alleged to be the same as the ones I'd brought with from Holland.

However, when placed upon my chubby it became quite obvious that they were in fact a fair bit smaller than the one's I'd been using and not only were they rather uncomfortable (like using a rubberband as a cockring) but the tightness caused them to rip so they provided no protection at all.

I even dug one of the 'used' ones out of the bathroom bin and checked sizes it was smaller !

The French have really thin cocks.

[ 19.07.2004, 07:55: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
Your boyfriend is northern and unemployed?

Close. He's more southern than I am, a student, and desperately trying to avoid working once he's finished.

quote:
Originally posted by dang65:
Or they've just sold out due to excess demand?

Possibly. But it wouldn't explain why there are no spaces for them on the shelves. Or why southerners are rich.

quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
Didn't you see that sex-ed video where they fill a condom up with about 10 litres* of water before it bursts.

No. But if my boyfriend was firing water at me, then I wouldn't be so bothered about the condoms. It's not a desperate need, it's more out of curiosity to see whether they would be any more comfortable, and would not have that over-stretched looking white colour underneath.

Maybe he just has 10 litres of penis. I wouldn't know.

Posted by Gemini (Member # 428) on :

ok I'm not the brightest tool on TMO but I'm still not seeing a conection between southeners being rich and not being able to buy extra large condoms down south. Could someone please explain in words of one syllable.

Thanks

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

Size ratings on (proper) condoms refer to width, not length. All (proper) condoms are the same length. There probably were such things as 'extra-large condoms that are actually massive'-type affairs in sex shops before this, I dunno.

The 'extra-large' type and rating was brought out a few years ago because it was proved that condoms that were too tight width-wise worn on thick cocks had a higher likelihood of slipping off.

At the time there were fears that people would totally miss the point on this, which does make you wonder why they still went ahead and called them 'extra-large'.

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

As opposed to 'extra-wide'. Or 'wide-on'. Or they could just have a Cock-Thick-O-Meter on the outside of the packet, ranging from 'WombPoker' to 'Plug'.

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

Thinking about it, that would mean lots of men getting their erections out in Boots and pressing them against boxes. Maybe not such a good idea.

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gemini:
ok I'm not the brightest tool on TMO but I'm still not seeing a conection between southeners being rich and not being able to buy extra large condoms down south. Could someone please explain in words of one syllable.

Thanks

So far as I can work out, the argument goes thus:

1) there are no extra large condoms in Kent/Sussex (though there are in Cambridge)

2) this is because southern men all have tiny penii.

3) The reason they have tiny penii is because they work very hard, and are thus very succesful, thereby not allowing sufficient time to mentally nurture significant penis growth. OR

4) Men who have big penii think about them all the time, and never get any work done. Small penis = better productivity in the workplace.

Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :

So is Cambridge "northern" in this story?

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

Wasn't it just a convoluted way of saying 'Hey everyone! My boyfriend has a big cock!'

Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :

Perhaps they could design a device like you get for measuring ring sizes in jewellery shops. Maybe you could also have a person who measures this for you like when you get measured for a bra. Little fitting room in Boots or wherever, Come in sir, I'll just take your measurements... Ah, I see you will be needing something from our extra-large range. Would you like extra thick, flavoured, ribbed for her pleasure? Will sir be indulging in a spot of VAO? Perhaps I could recommend these for you... etc

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
So is Cambridge "northern" in this story?

I think so, yes. I suppose it's more northern than Kent. Or is it.

Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :

As citizens of the internet, of course, we have the best of all worlds: enormous cocks, never do any work, are rich anyway and have ready access to deceptively spacious contraceptive containers.

We just don't have girlfriends.

n.b. I have not looked at those sites, merely glooged for 'extra large condoms'. But they sound helpful.

Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Raz:
Or they could just have a Cock-Thick-O-Meter on the outside of the packet, ranging from 'WombPoker' to 'Plug'.

Ooh! I think one of the condom manufacturers, or someone promoting the use of condoms, did actually produce something like this once!

I remember hearing Sandi Toksvig talking about it on the News Quiz or some other R4 programme. She said it was like one of those things you use to measure out spaghetti portions - she'd been sent one through the post and was cracking up over it - she wasn't entirely sure how/when it was to be used...

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gail:
I remember hearing Sandi Toksvig talking about it on the News Quiz or some other R4 programme. She said it was like one of those things you use to measure out spaghetti portions - she'd been sent one through the post and was cracking up over it - she wasn't entirely sure how/when it was to be used...

Well...never, with her, surely? Unless she measured and sheathed one of her fuck-off dildos. And they'd be well off the scale.

Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gail:
she wasn't entirely sure how/when it was to be used...

That's hardly surprising though is it, she's hardly an expert on cock.

Dammit quick Raz!

[ 19.07.2004, 07:58: Message edited by: Boy Racer ]

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Maybe he just has 10 litres of penis. I wouldn't know.

quote:
Originally posted by Raz:
Wasn't it just a convoluted way of saying 'Hey everyone! My boyfriend has a big cock!'

Apparently not, Raz.

Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Boy Racer:
That's hardly surprising though is it, she's hardly an expert on cock.

That was why it was funny - that and her hysterical squeaking.

[ 19.07.2004, 07:59: Message edited by: Gail ]

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

Sandy Toskvig = Clive Anderson in bad wig.

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gemini:
ok I'm not the brightest tool on TMO but I'm still not seeing a conection between southeners being rich and not being able to buy extra large condoms down south. Could someone please explain in words of one syllable.

Thanks

Joke.

Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
So is Cambridge "northern" in this story?

Essentially, so far today, Louise has posted a rant about food allergies not being properly catered for in Tesco, a confused assumption about the relationship between penis size, location and wealth, and posited that Cambridge is in the north.

Precisely why is she allowed to post?

[ 19.07.2004, 08:10: Message edited by: Louche ]

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

As today seems to be Foot-in-Mouth day for me, I'll try to dig myself out of this hole. And fail, probably.

Here goes...

quote:
Originally posted by Astromariner:
So far as I can work out, the argument goes thus:

1) there are no extra large condoms in Kent/Sussex (though there are in Cambridge)

2) this is because southern men all have tiny penii.

3) The reason they have tiny penii is because they work very hard, and are thus very succesful, thereby not allowing sufficient time to mentally nurture significant penis growth. OR

4) Men who have big penii think about them all the time, and never get any work done. Small penis = better productivity in the workplace.

3 and 4 were neither quite what I had in mind. It was more a joke that as the men are not so well endowed, the women are less satisfied and are therefore more inclined to think about work. Joke.

quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
So is Cambridge "northern" in this story?

No, just further north than Kent. Are you going to argue with that too?

quote:
Originally posted by Raz:
Wasn't it just a convoluted way of saying 'Hey everyone! My boyfriend has a big cock!'

No, it is of genuine interest. I thought of this just after I hit the ‘post’ button. Perhaps I should have deleted it there and then. Besides, why would anyone give a monkey's how big he is?

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louche:

quote:
Originally posted by Vogon Poetess:
So is Cambridge "northern" in this story?
Essentially, so far today, Louise has posted a rant about food allergies not being properly catered for in Tesco, a confused assumption about the relationship between penis size, location and wealth, and posited that Cambridge is in the north.

Precisely why is she allowed to post?

I could ask why you are allowed to read.

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

code:

-----------------------------------------------

1.
                  Hello? This = Sandi Toks-vug
                  speaking. LISTEN: I want to
                  sheathe one of my fuck-off
          @@@     dildos, but I can't figure
         @@@@@@   out how to use the measuring
        [(o o )@  device.
       (||''  |  / 
      __[|0 ) )
     / { {----{}
 __ /   {{( ( {}
|__|     {____{}          ______________
   |     |    |         ||              \
   |     |_|__|         ||cuntbuster5000 )
___|____(__(__)_________||______________/______

-----------------------------------------------

2.
                                  ___________
                                 |Jizzbagz UK|
                 ___             |Call Centre|
                (|||)            |___________|
               (-- |)
               |.   @  -- Sorry Mr Tossfig. It's an
              _(0 +/ ___  established fact that 
             //( ( |{__() your dildos take the piss.
          __()_|___|___   There's nothing our
         |_  _______  _|  company can do for you.
           || || || ||  
___________||(_)_(_)||_________________________

-----------------------------------------------

3.


          @@@     
         @\/@@@   
        [(o o )@  DAMMNIT!
       (||''  |  / 
      __[|= ) )
     / { {----{}
 __ /   {{( ( {}
|__|     {____{}          ______________
   |     |    |         ||              \
   |     |_|__|         ||cuntbuster5000 )
___|____(__(__)_________||______________/______

[ 19.07.2004, 08:41: Message edited by: Raz ]

Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :

[guesswho] The real reason why Southerners are so rich is because much of the manufacturing and mining industry in the north of the country has been closed down, meaning that there is a higher rate of unemployment than in the south! The government should be putting more investment into the north to prevent this! [Big Grin]

[/guesswho]

Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :

Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :

lol (ivory thimbles of tiger bile)

Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :

10 litres of LOL.

Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :

Fuck's sake Bandy, you're hardly helping my cause here. [Frown]

Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :

Whuh?

Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gemini:
ok I'm not the brightest tool on TMO but I'm still not seeing a conection between southeners being rich and not being able to buy extra large condoms down south. Could someone please explain in words of one syllable.

Thanks

A summation per your request:

Down South, they have big cocks. With these big cocks, they make more kids. So they win.

Apparently.

edit: two p's are better than one.

[ 19.07.2004, 09:41: Message edited by: froopyscot ]

Posted by damo (Member # 722) on :

for jesusfuckcuntingsakes
pissflapsdogwankarsemonkey

Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :

Spacesaresolastyear.

Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :

quote:
A summation per your request:

Down South, they have big cocks. With these big cocks, they make more kids. So they win.

No no! That is the wrong way round I think. Down South they have small cocks, so don't bother having sex and go to work instead. And become richer.

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Abby:
No no! That is the wrong way round I think. Down South they have small cocks, so don't bother having sex and go to work instead. And become richer.

This is all true. I'm totally fucking loaded, but I can't enjoy it as I have to suffer the indignity of living life with a tiny penis.

Damn it all. I wish I was hung and poor.

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Bandy:
Whuh?

Scrawn-vuss reckons Louche is a mong but Louise is coll. With your pictore you implied that Louise was also a mong. Bandy. You mong!

Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :

Cn Louise be the new TMO pariah please?

Posted by Gemini (Member # 428) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Abby:

quote:
A summation per your request:

Down South, they have big cocks. With these big cocks, they make more kids. So they win.

No no! That is the wrong way round I think. Down South they have small cocks, so don't bother having sex and go to work instead. And become richer.

But surely the reason that extra-large condoms sizes can't be found down south is that the men down south have bigger cocks than the men up north and therefore all the extra-large condoms have sold out?

Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Raz:
Bandy. You mong!

I should have just said this and saved time and offence.

Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :

Is it specifically extra-large that we are debating here? I keep both Large and Regular condoms depending on how insecure the bloke is, but I've never seen extra-large.

Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :

I've got a small cock and no money. Can someone please explain where I'm going wrong here?

Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :

Perhaps because you have a big heart?

Or failing that, an enlarged liver?

(Yeesh, this is like some kind of twisted Wizard of Oz isn't it?)

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Uber Trick:
Is it specifically extra-large that we are debating here? I keep both Large and Regular condoms depending on how insecure the bloke is, but I've never seen extra-large.

quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
I've got a small cock and no money. Can someone please explain where I'm going wrong here?

Take your own condoms, as the ladies of today only stock Large and Regular. It's like MacDonalds! Maybe you'd feel better if you called yours a Regular. Does it come with mayo?

[ 19.07.2004, 10:24: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
I've got a small cock and no money. Can someone please explain where I'm going wrong here?

You need to move to Kent. Or possibly, Cambridge.

Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :

I think it is called a Regular Misc, cos I've never seen a small either. There you go Ringo, don't you feel better now!

Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :

Ah well, who cares, I've got more bass than could be considdered reasonable in my car. That keeps me happy enough.

Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :

So there you are getting jiggy with each other flak, flak, flak <thinks> Shit, its going to be condom time soon. Where the fack did I put my measure? O yes, it's under the bed. Now how can I measure his cock without embarrassing the poor lad? O I know! flak, flak, flak *pulls hand off on final upwards flak, quickly flips over onto front, reaches under the bed - all the time keeping the fingers circled to represent the girth*

What are you doing, babes?

Nothing, won't be a second, you keep it going, sexy.

*flak, flak, flak*

<thinks> What size, what size? *measures finger girth representation against cock-o-meter* EXTRA-LARGE! Holy cow.

[ 19.07.2004, 11:02: Message edited by: Uber Trick ]

Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :

quote:
Originally posted by vikram:
Cn Louise be the new TMO pariah please?

Sounds like a plan. This thread is a pile of pure shite, btw.

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Samuelnorton:
pure shite, btw.

Ha ha! Snorton's turned into a weegie!

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

Is that another word for 'penisss'?

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

no. Although it should be! It means "person of Glaswegian origin".

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

Not that people of glaswegian origin are penises, of course, just that weegie would be a good word for a willy.

Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Samuelnorton:
[This thread is a pile of pure shite, btw.

What are you, the cherry on top?

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

Dingleberry on top more like.

Posted by Astromariner (Member # 446) on :

I'm going to read all snorton's posts in Elaine C. Smith's voice now.

Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Astromariner:
I'm going to read all snorton's posts in Elaine C. Smith's voice now.

You won't find very many of those around here these days though. Sorry.

But seriously folks. Just look at this thread and the other one posted by the hapless Louise on Tesco muffins. Read through them again. What can you find there, save a pathetic combination of witless comments and bile spat at a poster who borders on the inconsequential?

It's all pretty sad. In the (prepare for cliché...) "old days" we had Ben's sharp wit and London's feminazi acidic tongue, but now this place seems to be surviving on a diet of Louchesque whining. At least Bandy is still around to provide the odd genuine lol with a bit of well-crafted phoo, which is something I suppose.

Forget that it's me saying all this, eh? Just think about it. Is TMO still an interesting place to hang around, or are you all starting to find yourselves doing other things and/or posting elsewhere?

It's a serious question.

Posted by charrudeboi (Member # 555) on :

yea, since harlequin left its never been the same

Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :

lol. I said it was a serious question though. Look at the Society forum for a start. No one has posted there for an entire week.

Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :

Will forumites please try and remember that Louise is about twelve and you're all in your fifties. It's like an inverse Ahmania situation. She doesn't fit in with the rest of the group, so she goes a bit nuts.

Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :

I only read TMO in case Snoreton posts some more about his favourite cheese. I know he doesn't post much anymore, but I can't be the only one who lives in hope of reading about TMO's vital bowel, folk demon, controversial statement-making heavyweight joy-giver.

Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :

I cycled through a village called Norton Malreward on Saturday.

Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gail:
I cycled through a village called Norton Malreward on Saturday.

What's it called on the other days?

Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :

Dunno. I think it might not even exist on other days. Or at least not on the road I thought I was on.

Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :

quote:
Originally posted by dang65:

quote:
Originally posted by Gail:
I cycled through a village called Norton Malreward on Saturday.
What's it called on the other days?

Sometimes, I really appreciate cheesy formulaic jokes, eg.: "... a man with a wooden leg named Smith?"

I will therefore share the following with the forum:

quote:
exhibit 'a':
Scientists recently found a porpoise which had small growths on its underbelly resembling the nubs of malformed legs. They observed the animal for several days but in the end decided against surgically removing the growths, on the grounds that this would be defeeting the porpoise.

[ 20.07.2004, 09:36: Message edited by: froopyscot ]

Posted by Raz (Member # 449) on :

god

Posted by Louise (Member # 96) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Uber Trick:
Is it specifically extra-large that we are debating here? I keep both Large and Regular condoms depending on how insecure the bloke is, but I've never seen extra-large.

I was just after anything slightly larger than usual, see if it made any difference.

And after an emergency trip to Colchester, a box of the elusive 'Pasanté Large' turned up in the big Tesco. They're only 1mm wider than ordinary ones, but looked about 3ft longer (not suggesting Mr Lou is that well endowed, before you all leap on my innocent comment). Avanti, the non-latex Durex condoms, are 10mm wider than standard latex condoms, but we haven't tested them yet, so I can't comment. In case anyone was actually interested.

Posted by damo (Member # 722) on :

pointlessly harsh.

cuntfuckarsemints

[ 24.07.2004, 09:21: Message edited by: damo ]

Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :

quote:
Originally posted by froopyscot:

quote:
exhibit 'a':
Scientists recently found a porpoise which had small growths on its underbelly resembling the nubs of malformed legs. They observed the animal for several days but in the end decided against surgically removing the growths, on the grounds that this would be defeeting the porpoise.

I still tell this joke from time to time.

Posted by Amy (Member # 11) on :

That joke made me chuckle. Heh.

Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :

x

[ 10.04.2019, 15:58: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]