quote:Originally posted by Kanye West: i got hit by car, and now I'm stuck in this wheelchair.
Wouldn't that be like skateboarding all the time?
Anyway. If you liked awesome extreme stuff like skateboarding when you were - you know - normal, you should think about taking up murderball now you're in a wheelchair.
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If Benway was in a wheelchair, I would go to visit him every day. Walk him somewhere he didn't want to go, unbolt the wheels, and leave.
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Octavia
I hate Valentine's Day. Stupid commercialised crap
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Skateboarding fits into my category of Activities Of Pure Terror. Rollerskating and ice-skating are also covered. Ski-ing was pretty dreadful too. Anything that slides uncontrollably away with my feet standing motionless on it causes my entire body to rictus in fright and fling itself to the ground to cling on. Ski-ing was only remotely tolerable because of having a stopping mechanism of sorts.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: If Benway was in a wheelchair, I would go to visit him every day. Walk him somewhere he didn't want to go, unbolt the wheels, and leave.
would you also wank me off on public transport and tell me that if i told anybody then you'd give me something to really complain about? would i be pushing you away with limp wrists going sort of 'mmmmmnnoooo....mmmnnnoooo' but you'd do it anyway and humiliate me in front of the other passengers and i'd just have to look out of the window an imagine that I was twenty foot tall and you were just a little ant, and I'd think back to the accident and wish that a superhero could have snatched me up before my spine was shattered? Then leave me soiled all day, and keep telling me how disgusting and pathetic I was? Taking me to the cinema but pointing me the wrong way so i couldn't see the screen? Telling schoolgirls that i fancy them and then when they come over, showing them my dingaling and they all laugh and i bury my face in your shoulder and beg for you to stop? Yeah? Tipping cans of drink over my head? kicking the back of my chair? slapping me in the face? Burning me with cigarettes? The authorities call it one of the worst cases of abuse they've seen in years? You end up going to prison? I kill myself by parking on a level crossing, and have to fight with motorists who stopped at the level crossing, who try and move me off the tracks? I have to say "mmmmoooo! mmnnnmmnooo letttt meeeee nnnggooo!" as they try and move my chair, but it gets stuck in the rails? And you're getting severely bullied in prison? And the second before the train hits me, I look up and see the glint of an aeroplane above and think that maybe my childhood superhero will come and save me? As the air rushing in front of the approaching train swirls around me, i think i'm being lifted to safety? And you get addicted to heroin? And octavia ends up hitting the bottle and turning tricks like that one out of 'last exit to brooklyn' at a local pub that's frequented by retired essex gangsters, in a bid to try and get protection for you in prison? And you get AIDs? And you lose an eye in a fight over something pathetic like a pair of headphones or a mug or something? And when you get out of prison, you fall to your knees and sob in the street while your wife bends over a snooker table with glazed, empty eyes? How could you even think of that kind of thing? You're ill, man. You should talk to somebody about that.
quote:Originally posted by Kanye West: no, that's the Hoverboard from Back the Future Pt. II. Skateboards have never looked like that. pwnt.
Poor Benway. Can't imagine a world in which you don't need wheels to get around so had to pretend that these things don't exist.
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Maybe I'll just let Louise look after Benway. Occasionally drop by with a mix tape I think he'd like or some Japanese horror DVDs I heard were good.
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Organise a local football match to raise money for an access ramp to be put in to Benway's favourite pub. Write to Necro explaining what an inspiration he's been to Benway who, before the accident, really enjoyed abusing 'hos and living in the hood. Arrange for them to meet, and take a photo of Necro with his arm around Benway's shoulders, giving the thumbs up.
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Would you be able to install a handrail in the bathroom that didn't fall off? I don't see you as the type to have that sort of skill.
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and louise would say that it's lovely to see you and then you'd come into the lounge and there would just be the sound of a crappy clock ticking from a display case full of worthless 1950s nick knacks? I'd ask how you were doing and you would bite your lip and hold back from telling me about how well its going because you can tell in my eyes that I couldn't stand to hear about it? And I'd take the dvds and study the back of the case really closely and say thank you and kind of jerk and you'd say hey did you see Have I got News For You last night and I'd say no and you'd say oh it was funny, charlie brooker was on, and I'd say i wish i had seen it but really i'm saying that i cannot stand to be reminded of the outside world? and i'd show a story that i've written but it doesn't make any sense because of the drugs i'm on from the pain but you'd say it's really good and i'd say thanks man, you're a real friend and you'd have to go upstairs to cry and louise would come upstairs and grab you and push you against the wall and you'd say n-no and she'd start crying and would say please... please anything... do anything to me... you don't know what its like and you'd say i--i--can't you know i cant and she would collapse and cry and you'd look into our bedroom as shall falls to your feet and you'd see a weird contraption that i use for getting in and out of bed? and you'd come back downstairs and i'd know and you'd know that i'd know but you'd say 'shall we watch the film' and i'd say no and you'd look at me with an expression that says that you know that i know an i'd look back completely helplessly?
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I mean, it's the thought that counts really, but will Benway be able to see that as he's lying on the bathroom floor, covered in faeces with blood gushing from a head wound obtained when he put his weight on the hand rail to get off the toilet and it came off sending him sprawling head first into the sink? I would hope he'd understand that you'd tried but I suspect he really might have problems at this stage.
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quote:Originally posted by Cherry In Hove: Would you be able to install a handrail in the bathroom that didn't fall off? I don't see you as the type to have that sort of skill.
Well, yes - that's why I said I'd help install it. I imagined that someone like Jonesy or ben would be doing the actual drilling in and everything, while I handed them tools, and ferried stuff in from the hallway and shouted through to the living room "This is looking really good Steve! Wow, this is really going to help! I almost wish I had one myself!" and thinking "Obviously I don't wish that - I'm really glad that I can get on and off the toilet unassisted."
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As you all show him the handrail you'll be saying "Look Benway, look at how good this is" and he'll be all "fank ooo. fank ooo for my rail. it. it will help load" and he'll try to smile but only one corner of his mouth will raise and you'll all leave to go to the pub to celebrate your good deed and Benway will be "too tired fo pub. fanks guys" and as he hears the door close he'll try to hit the rail but won't be able to swing his hands high enough and his useless arm will swing down and hit him in the groin and a tear will start running down his cheek.
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Good luck getting Ben or Jonesy to help you with the handrail. Sure they were around straight after the accident, being helpful, trying to keep Benway cheerful, but as time went on they stopped being able to cope so well with Benway's depressed face when they suggested going out somewhere. "Trip to the park Benway! You love going to the park" "too tired", "Come on Benway, the fair is in town, let's go and win a goldfish", "too tired".
Sure Jonesey still pokes his head in occasionally to give the pretence of still caring, but for Ben it all became too much and he had to just cut contact altogether and banish any memories of Benway to a back space in his mind that he only thinks about when lying in bed occasionally unable to sleep but he can't come back now. Too much has changed. Surely Benway is better off without him, but he still can't sleep.
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Alright mate? .... Benway? Yep Ah, thought you couldn't - - I was just getting the - - ah - sorry - - you know, the strap - - yes, sorry i didn't - - didn't...? - I mean I wasn't trying to - - Oh, i know, just still getting used to it myself - so you're er...you're coming strapped! - uhmm? - you know...mc ehit.. "we come strapped"... - oh, right... right - you still listening to that - - Nah... I....I don't... - seen that Snoop has got a new - - I don't really.... - Ok, Ok - Yeah. - ...... - ...... - so, you called because.... - well, just sort of, seeing how you're doing really, you know - okay - .... - so... you doing okay? - oh, yeah, you know. lol. getting there - yeah. - it's hard because - - are you getting out much these days? - well... I haven't really been - - fancy a pint? I could have one...ah wait, actually - - i could have one now if you could bring some round - yeah, no, sorry, I just remembered i can't tonight or.... it would have to be - - don't worry about it, it's alright - no, no, I'd love to, I just, I forgot that I'm seeing... - ..... - ....err... seeing...doctors. Going to the doctors, I - - alright some other time mate. - alright, yeah, looking forward to it! - yeah, me too. - yeah. - ..... - .....
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That certainly sounds like a nightmare vision of a world in which Benway spends his entire life just sat in his house, with no real social life, spending night after night playing computer games and watching films, in a lifestyle so devoid of meaning and direction that all he can do is voice his inner angst on internet forums.
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Goddammit. I was thinking of a post along similar lines, with Benway's doctor saying "I'm not going to sugarcoat it: from now on your life is going to change dramatically - at best you'll be able to just about stagger from your work room to your sofa, but once there you'll be pretty much completely sedentary, able to do little more than eat, drink, and twitch your thumbs at meaningless stimuli. Also, as a result of the medication you'll be pretty much always completely smashed." and Benway saying something like "I guess I'll just have to learn to adjust, one day at a time."
Or maybe something where it takes Louise six weeks before she even realises that Benway is crippled. Or maybe it takes Benway six weeks to realise he's crippled.
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I hope ben and fifichan and steelgate and samuel norton and kovacs and jonesy and squeegy and rillion and keef will come back soon. This place just isn't the same without them.
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Did you know you can buy fake tongues on ebay to make taxidermy? I guess it makes sense when you think about it, but I hadn’t previously done so. Now I realise that I quite want a fake mallard tongue.
This was prompted by the dead-goat tongue above. Obvs.
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