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So, Tarquin arrived and in one respect it was marvellous because he was just the tonic we needed to lighten up the oppressive atmosphere that had descended upon our garden party. I must confess, however, his choice of legging left me somewhat perturbed. I could not help but remark to Priscilla “what is Gordon thinking of wearing those gaudy pants to such an event?” The flamboyant nature of the trouser legs he was sporting were in direct flagrante to the gloriously colourful flora and fauna we had taken years to cultivate in our garden.
Had he no ruddy shame?
“I do not take kindly to being upstaged, Sir!” said I, such was my indignation.
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"Actually, I thought it was `Algy', old bean. I am sure you introduced yourself as such at the regimental club dinner last week!" said a game looking chap sporting a monocle and a rather fine 'tache sitting in a bath chair.
I was rather taken aback by the gentleman's forthrightness. I steeled myself and then launched into one of the biggest lies I had ever concocted...
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"I fear you may have misunderstood me, Major", I started, the sweat beginning to bead along the join betwixt skin and syrup.
I..er..was having a conversation with the gentleman on my left. He was having a spot of bother with his ornamental koi. Can't keep the dashed pond clear. Out all hours with his waders and net, you know the sort of thing
Anyway, as he was leaving the table he mused "if only there was a way to deal with the pondscum once and for all".
"That doesn't sound like pondscum" I replied, my head turning to follow his departure and towards your good self...
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"Algae? What a dashed spot of luck!" he retorted, beaming at me. "I happen to be the President of the West Ruislip Phycology Appreciation Society. We're looking for a new archivist to help out our Euglenophyta section! It is a complete shambles. The last chap didn't know his Rhodophyta from his elbow. Completely ruined our collection, don't you know."
I tried to pretend I hadn't heard him, but I fear it was too late for that. He went on, becoming visibly agitated as he spoke.
"Dashed fellow. We've seen the last from him! I gave him both barrels as he tried to escape over the ha ha at the back of the club grounds. We even passed a resolution at the OGM - if we ever find anyone impersonating a phycologist, we shall hunt him down like a dog".
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