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There's always the telescopic pecker™ Ben... It saved us once before!
-------------------- Evil isn't what you've done, it's feeling bad about it afterwards... Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. Posts: 3793
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Has it gone wrong? I thought it had been funnyasfuck recently. I noticed Thorn and Jonesy misunderstanding and apologising to each other the other day, and that was pretty lame.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden. Posts: 4941
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im only interested if mrs ben has given birth to some sort of awesome human/ bee hybrid because youve been feeding her industrial quantities of royal jelly. that would be amazing and terrifying in equal measure. or if the child has disproportionately massive hands, or bright red pupils to its eyes, or maybe putative tusks. can it talk yet? after 48 hours of life was it forming coherent sentences on a range of topics? basically, if your new child is in any way freakish or of interest to medical science, then i can give you maybe thirty seconds of my time in which to cobble together some sort of extremely banal congratulatory post. if its just ordinary then we did all that 'well done!' stuff the first time round. ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes isnt enough. i want talons.
-------------------- evil is boring: cheerful power Posts: 1655
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OH COME THE FUCK ON. dont even pull my plonker like that bitch. im only saying what ben wants me to say so he doesnt have to fuck about with scanning in the photos! or thats what i got from his post, anyway.
-------------------- evil is boring: cheerful power Posts: 1655
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noones interested in my offspring 2.0 are they? no? okay, fine. its practically dripping off the screen. hes tired! we dont need to see the photos. we can tell ourselves its just like the first one, but younger.
-------------------- evil is boring: cheerful power Posts: 1655
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well, im not finished defending myself against the quite specious accusation that i have in fact crossed any line at all. but even if i had, I DREW THE FUCKING LINE. so therefore, i can cross it if i like. that is the rules motherfu.
-------------------- evil is boring: cheerful power Posts: 1655
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quote:Originally posted by dance margarita: noones interested in my offspring 2.0 are they? no? okay, fine.
I thought it was more like the opposite: the old "Oh you mention that you wanted some nice... and I do have these pictures of... b-but you probably nwouldn't be interested in those... would you?" and the board goes "Come on, ben you big lug, show us the pics," and his little faece lights up and he goes "Hyuk! OK! This is one of him sleeping, and here's one of him sleeping, and here's one of him sleeping, and here's another one, and he's sleeping, and here's one where he sicked up himself, and here's one where he sicked up on my wife, and here's one where he sicked up on himself while sleeping."
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
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So this triffid is marching towards you. You're trapped in a cul-de-sac and it points its vines towards you and brushes it's leaves against the pebbledash walls. Shshhshshshsh. It spits venom messily at you and you shield your eyes. You raise your machete above head height and as the triffid uses it's leathery tendrils to feel you out. You begin to slash wildly at the stalk. Leaves are strewn everywhere. The body of the beast starts to rend apart and split onto the floor. You hold your left hand out with your fingers splayed, hoping to block any of the blinding venom from splashing into your eyes. Some of it runs down your cheeks. Your t-shirt and chest are wet from the juices spurting from the base of this creature. As the layers feel away from the body of the triffid, inside the body you make out the tubes and wires. Inside the body of the triffid is the driver. It's that little tiny yoda baby, above. His eyes roll around in his head and his toungue flicks out slowly around his lips. In a voice, as deep as James Earl Jones he moans "Louuuuuuuuuche"
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Don't get me wrong, I don't mind kids - friends kids are great, but for a lot of people there seems to be this parental smugness almost which makes me want to punch them very hard in the mouth.
Yesterday I caught the train from Den Haag to Amsterdam - it was pretty packed, so I had to stand in the vestibule by the doors, along with a few other commuters. On these particular dutch trains they have a handful of seats, all of which were in use. However there was little chance of walking through to the next carraige as some young mother had parked her extrodinarily sized pram right in front of the door - I say extraordinarily sized as it was about 100 times the size of the sprog she was cradling.
But that wasn't what truly fucked me off. It was just the way she would look at all the other people on the carriage in turn, waiting for them to look and coo over her child - this wasn't pride - I can understand parents adoring their children, but they would be far more interested in their offspring than the adoration of a bunch of commuters. I think I used to do the same with top trumps on the bus when I was 7, but have long grown out of it. I honestly thought it was some sort of trophy child, and just the way she would stare at people until they looked up and she would almost gesticulate to the sprog on her lap. It was awful - I mean what did she want people to say? congratulations! You have had sex! You have procreated! Produced a miracle - the same miracle that occurs three times every second on this planet - the same miracle which has been happening for hundreds of thousands of years! You've got laid, been fucked, impregnated and produced a child - and what do you want from me ? A round of applause? A fucking medal?
Another trait of some Dutch people and their kids is their complete lack of control and discipline. They see the kid kicking and screaming relentlessly as the child 'expressing themselves freely'. Bullshit. What on earth a child is expressing by shaking the hell out of the chair in front of them, the one I am trying to sleep on? And why do the parents look at you so shocked when you ask them, angrily perhaps, but politely, for their child to stop it? And then ask 'was it bothering you?' - bothering me? Bothering me? - no its perfectly fine for your little 4 year old to rock the chair back and forward at warp 5 whilst kicking it full force in their new baby Doc Martens, whilst screaming for the last 40 minutes, whilst I try and commute home after working for 14 hours straight. I don't need quiet time! I'm sure the rediness of my face, the pounding headache and the bulging vein in my neck are just my body's way of saying how I wish I had this treatment every waking second of my day. No don't worry about the twitch in the eye and the pains in my chest - I'm sure its just wind or something.
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