I'm woken by the soft breath of my man, lifting the curls of hair which fall over the nape of my neck. I smile the smile of the smugly satisfied. This 'alarm' is infinitely preferable to the usual babble of a Heart 106FM DJ introducing Perfect Day or some other summer standard. I sigh contentedly and lift my head from G's chest. Wow, I'm lucky. G's everything I ever wanted in man: sensitive but sexy, edgy without being cruel, funny without being theatrical.
I tap out merry tune on his washboard stomach and giggle as he sighs but doesn't stir. A day off for our anniversary, Jules and Noah packed off to the cottage with Gramps and Sylvia, the phone off the hook - just me, my man and the blissful bond of true love. What a way to wake up.
It's all down to him of course but, well, we're a team, aren't we? And I'd never let my side down. Never. One beautiful wake up call deserves another and I know just how to return the compliment.
I slip out of bed and move to the dressing table, catching my naked reflection mid-journey. Two perfect progeny to the good and you'd never know it. Thank heavens for Pilates. I nod my head. Dragging my eyes from the firm contours of my body, I turn my attention to the dressing table. G's picture is there. I place a kiss on the end of my forefinger and transfer it to his smiling image.
It's all I can do to prevent myself crying with happiness. Can't do that though, wouldn't want to wake him. I've got my own plans for a wake up call. I open my jewellery box and remove a half-empty (half full actually) tube of Adam and Eve's wonderful Deep Throat Gel and then...
I poke a ballpoint pen deep into my right eye and vomit.
Because the real world is not like that, thankfuckly.
No, 'lectric loozers, TMO is our real world. But is there such a thing as a perfect day on the forum? If so, what would it be like? If all the elements of this procrastination station came together to form the ideal 24 hours, what kinda shit could we expect?
This won't work of course, but I've started writing it now, so:
Starting at 9:00am, let's map out a perfect day on the forum we love and loathe
Perfect fist.
9:00 - The working day begins. Three new threads have been started already. The first, by Samuel Norton, is called 'The Jew who came in from the cold'. It's something of an eye opener. Rabbi Rick has finally come clean. "There are numerous ways to combat evil," he explains, "many methods to fight the good fight." And so it seems. The Rick J/Samuel Norton persona was apparently the product of a unique think tank set up to combat anti-Semitism. "The aim of 'Project Faith'," Rick goes on, "was to reinforce people's existing beliefs by challenging them with unthinkable prejudice". Should be an interesting one.
The second thread is started by a newbie called The Quarreller. It's titled 'Come and have a go if you think your hard enuff' and reads, "im knew and smarter, than you. I reed a book a week whoo wnts the smakcDOwn!?"
The final thread is by regular Vogon Poetess. It's called 'what do we all look like naked?' and the picture in her 'post first' is a sight for sore eyes.
9:30 - Frank has asked some interesting questions on Rick's thread, comparing Norton's explanation of Project Faith with passages from John Stuart Mill's On Liberty. Black Mask has posted next - a picture of John Leslie with the words "Lying Spook" underneath it. There have been three replies to VP's thread (pictures only): Octavia, Herbs and Benway.
IAN has posted "Alright, The Quareller?" on the newbie's thread.
By 10.15 there have been no new posts, but in fifteen minutes the F5 button on keyboards around the world has been hit a staggering 1,457 times to check up, just in case.
Octavia
I hate Valentine's Day. Stupid commercialised crap
posted
This is supposed to be a Perfect Day, stoopid, so every time you hit F5 there would have been some new gem to tantalise you and make you want to hit the Reply button.
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Octavia
I hate Valentine's Day. Stupid commercialised crap
posted
10.25
A long and beautifully detailed post from scrawny about any damn thing she pleases, because she writes so excellently when she puts her mind to it, she could be talking about cat litter and it would still be gripping reading. Of course something involving copious amounts of alcohol would be better.
10.35
Three more posts on the "naked" thread, from Rose Davis, victoria and ben.
posted
10.30 - Jonesy/Benway makes a long, detailed and passionate post about May-December relationships/morality... I respond immediately, remembering my new policy of quoting Jonesy/Benway's post in full.
Imagine my gratification when I get to "the topic you came from" and discover that Jonesy/Benway has, as per usual, replaced the original post with an x - only to have my quoted version appear directly beneath it.
posted
Gordon is here and my hatred is fresh and new. Gubyuro is here posting about thongs, and I am on fire. I do not know Benway, but he posts a picture and I spew out offensive and sexist gay porn. Infinite Jones… no, he has no place in the perfect day. There is a thread like the Big Brother thread running, and I am Electroboy making Bandy walk around with no pants under his jeans. And there are new faces, new recipients for the textual crush, smooth-skinned, pretty, enticing, clever clever fucking clever boys, who know all about music and all about the bestest ways to shove you up against the walls and fuck. There are girls, Continental, naughty, sweet, who write like angels and beckon you into obscure forums to discuss mouseclicks. It's like it used to be, but better. Wetter.
posted
1105 Jonesy has started a rap thread entitled "My cock's bigger than your cock, bitch!". Elvis and IAN have responded already. By the time I've written my response, Scrawny has thrown down the gauntlet with a sidesplitting gem about Bandy.
posted
11:19 - London chooses this hour to reincarnate the persona which won her a bet and a lost boke about banging. She's being sweet and welcoming to The Quarreller, flirting and feigning sexual excitement over his description of Stefanos as a cnut rag. The Quarreller draws a comparison between huge salaries and great sex. Bandy posts a 'before and after' phoo of Rabbi Rick. Harlequin has also posted on 'The Jew who came in from the cold': "Well, if this thread is a persona amnesty, I've something to reveal myself. BRB." An argument has started on VP's thread over who has the nicest cock.
posted
11.35 Fifichan returns and makes a casual post mentioning her absence is due to her impossibly glam lifestyle. Anyone who feels patronised lets rip with a gushing fury of pent up venom.
Afterwards everyone feels better.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden.
posted
12.00 I post a thread about art in a hope to raise the cultural tone above comix, kiddy porn, and MURDER DEATH KILL and get a stream of in depth replies detailing people's favourite / greatest impact having art works. Rather than none
-------------------- Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light... Posts: 3770
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posted
12.01 Kovacs begins to troll the Quareller's thread with a pitch perfect impersonation of a similarly vapid character much to the amusement of everyone, except the Quareller who doesn't realise he's being lampooned.
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posted
12.15 The pic causes a flurry of phoo nostalgia, with all the TMO classics reposted and chuckled over.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden. Posts: 4941
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posted
12:17 Ben starts a thread called 'Reattached' and posts proof - from sources deep inside the British library - that BBC Dotusoap, Attachments has been recommissioned for a new series.
He provides evidence that TMO will feature heavily in the new series (including actual posters from the real site). Apparently a BBC executive stumbled across The Moon and fell in love with the place when he lurked and then briefly posted under the moniker 'Truly Topcat'.
It's rumoured that Darryn has a walk on part in episode 1.
posted
12.30 Fifi comes back, sobbing 'It's only coz I luv u guyz'... This starts a 'fancying' amnesty, and everyone reveals who they've admired all these years, en board. Plans start for a Mormon-style mass TMO wedding, with Mart and Octavia in charge of food and drink, Bob and Scrawny in charge of music (young-person and Lionel Ritchie respectively) and DD in charge of organising the huge gaymo bout as the grand finale of proceedings.
There's not a dry chair among London's media elite.
Oh, and then someone posts that picture of Thorn looking like a spasticated ventriloquist's dummy, operated by Benway.
posted
12.35. Ben posts a thread called ‘You fucking shitzoid kunts are crap!’ berating certain members of TMO for not posting anymore. Kovacs replies and agrees, pointing out that he no longer frequents the forum because of its mental drudgery and instead posts on lippyandstilletos.com as Sven. Nobody replies. Ben apologises. Kovacs offers everybody a chocolate. Everybody accepts.
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The Dixie Flatline points out that actually it's PricewaterhouseCoopers (all one word).
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden.
posted
12.47 Vikram sends in a post from furthest India, telling us what a shit time he's having, how everything smells of poo and that he's eaten nothing but condensed milk since he arrived, causing him dysentery.
Upon reading it everyone feels a tiny pang of concern before settling into a smug sense of superiority because:
a) If they were in India they'd be having a much better time. b) This way they don't have to feel jealous.
Topic Closed
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