posted
The story of how I lost my virginity isn't really that relevent to the thread, other than the fact I was perhaps the worst shag the girl had ever had.
It wasn't like I really liked her that much. She was this crazy girl who seemed to 'fall in love' with anyone who'd give her the time of day. It'd be unfair to say she was a slut, because while she did have sex with a lot of people, she genuinely believed she had something special with every one of them.
So there's me, virginal Ringo, at the tender age of 16. Through school, I'd had to listen to tale after tale of my friends having sex with one another, every time passing me by. You see, this may be a shock to all of you, but I wasn't always the turbo pulling machine I am now. No, quite the opposite in fact. I was the quiet nerdy kid who, while not actively bullied, never realy seemed to fit in with anyone.
So yes, anyway, 16 years old, feeling horny as fuck, like always, and there's this girl who I know fancies me and doesn't take much effort to put out. Well it's a genius situation, except the fact that I really ddin't like her very much. For this reason, I had avoided it for some time, not to mention the stigma associated with sleeping with this particular girl, who had earned herself a certain reputation.
Then something interesting happened. In a late night heart to heart with my best mate, it transpired that he'd recently had sex with her. This justified it somewhat in my eyes. After all, he was hardly going to rip me for something he did as well is he?
Thus it was decided. The very next day I phoned her and invited her to come round after school. My parents both worked until about 6, giving us a couple of hours alone in my house, to do what we will. Sad thing was, I just couldn't go through with it. Well, I couldn't think of any way to initiate it. I was sat at my computer playing Worms while she just kinda sat there feeling slightly bored. Then, finally, I worked up the courage to do something in the only way I knew how.
"You're bored aren't you?"
"Well only slightly but..."
I stopped her mid sentence with a kiss, right on her lips and everything. Luckily she reciprocated in kind and before I knew it, we were rolling around on the floor in the spare room. Moments later there was a trail of clothes into my room where we were both stood naked. I'd never actually seen a girl naked before that point. Not like this anyway. It was an incredibly scary feeling, but I wanted to seem like I knew that I was doing, so down goes my hand, sliding a finger into the folds of her soft pubic hair.
Then it happened. She touched my cock. I would say that she gave me and a hand job but if you go by the old proverb "more than three shakes and it's wanking", it never actually got that far. Bang. Standing there kissing while my jizz slowly rolled down her naked thigh.
I made no excuses. There were none to make. I wasn't going to admit it was the first time I'd ever been in this situation. Luckily, I discovered that my cock has an amazing power to stay hard. Hurrah.
It was a real struggle to get it in. She wasn't helping either. Finally, though, with a bit of a push, it slid in. I was finally having sex. It's fair to say it wasn't all I'd been hoping for. I kept looking at the clock next to my bed as I humped away for aproximately five minutes. Then it was all over.
Lying there entwined, she looked up into my eyes and asked if this meant we were a couple now. I replied to the negative, and went on to say that she should probably leave as my parents were coming home in a bit.
For old times sake, I use this phrase. I think I was a bit insensitive when I told this story originally, but the phrase has become more than a mere meme, to the point where it could almost be described as an urban legend. Anyway, my dick was still in her when I said this.
It's strange now, thinking back, about her. I don't think I ever really gave her a chance. I still see her around from time to time and now she looks gorgeous whenever I see her. I almost wish that one day I could have the chance to give it another go with her, just to prove that I'm not like that any more. I don't think it's likely, though, as our conversational exchange is always limited to mere pleasantries. Shame really, she had an absolutely cracking pair of tits.
posted
Dude, I've sent you an advert for a new job;
Porn Writer Salary - Shaking, fitting, spitting and getting exited when girls are mentioned. Thats payment enough.
In this role, you will be performing to the high demands of tight *fnar fnar* deadlines and finding work solutions *myerk myerk*
You will need to be able to include any of the following words in assignments without shame; Gash, slit, hairy axe wound, ram-rod, veiny bang stick, luncheon meat truncheon, stench trench and quim.
Reading Max Power and only being able to cum onto ladies thighs, just by looking at them essential.
[ 13 September 2003: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: It'd be unfair to say she was a slut, because while she did have sex with a lot of people, she genuinely believed she had something special with every one of them.
This is one of the most heartbreaking things ever written on the forum. Great posts, Ringo and Mart.
In an email to London yesterday I made a stupid comment to London about male posters hardly ever contributing anything worthwhile to S&R - it's rarely such a pleasure to be proven so wrong.
posted
This one baffles me. Speaking to various friends, we've come up with a number of things that might be accountable but the fact is, we'll never actually know the truth.
Cast your minds back about two years or so. Perhaps even more recently, maybe even a year. But you get the idea.
I'm in my current job, doing IT support. I get a call out from a girl who says her computer is having various problems and diligently go to have a look.
I'm initially struck by how attractive this girl is, and also how easy I find it to talk to her as she seems a little nervouse. Perhaps even intimidated. I find this good, as it makes me feel more at ease. SO I turn on a bit of the old Ringo charm, make a few jokes and before you know it, we're emailing each other and going for drinks and shit.
One thing leads to another and we decide to get it on back at my house. She's wearing like this pink padded bra thing, and it's all good. We get down to it, and it's all a bit of a struggle. I get the impression it's a bit painful for her, so I'm going gently and stuff. Anyway, eventually we finish and she falls asleep.
This isn't a good thing as my parents would kill me if they had any idea what I'd been doing. I cetainly couldn't let her spend the night. SO I wait for a few hours, hoping for her to stir out of her slumber, but it doesn't happen. Eventually I wake her up, explain she has to leave, and ring a cab for her.
Great, she goes home and I can finally go to sleep. About 2:30, and on a work night...
I pull back the duvet, preparing to jump in. The horror. There is a large pool of blood in the middle of my white sheets. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!
I'm desperate here, I have no idea what the fuck to do. I can't just sleep in the blood, that'd be minging, and I can't put it in the wash or my parents would find out. I know what blood stans are like, and I know I need to act fast. I grab my phone and call my mate john.
"John, mate, you gotta help me"
"Woah, what's the matter"
"I dont' know what the fuck's happened man, but I was shagging this girl and now there's blood everywhere!"
"Shit dude!"
"I know, my parents will kill me, I need to get these stains out!"
"Well.....er....you're going to have to wash them aren't you"
So I grab the sheets off the bed. Luckily it hasn't gone too much into the mattress. I run downstairs and fill the sink with hot water, adding a generous shot of bleach. It scalds my hands, and the sheets have never been the same since. The probem was I was left with wet sheets. There was no way I could put them back on my bed.
So, to cut a long story short, it's like this - my parents found the wet sheets the next day. In my feeble attempts to come up with an excuse for washing my sheets in the middle of the night, I said the only thing I could think of..
"It's a bit embarassing... I.... I had a little accident..."
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: I was sat at my computer playing with my worm while she just kinda sat there feeling slightly bored.
lol.
Ringo, you'd better remove or amend your wonderfully-written and slightly heart-rending (in a bizarre sort of way) post, or poor old Kovacs might well find himself spending the afternoon scraping muck from the walls.
[ 13 September 2003: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
-------------------- "You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary!" "I thought they were animal cookies..."
posted
Took me ages to think of something to post here, but finally I thought of something that is indeed cringesome and embarrassing.
I was with my first 'proper' bf at the time - lets call him Bill - and we had been together about a year. He had a sister, who we'll call Gill, and she was a lot older than me and Bill. I always tryed to make an effort to look good or be 'growed-up' when she was around. I wanted to impress her in a way, I was very self-concious and was looking for someone to idolise. I was an only child and was quite lonely.
Anyway, me and Bill were upstairs one morning before school, we were snuggling in bed and getting a bit horny, so we decided to have a bit of a frolic. So there we were in the bed making out, and one thing lead to anotherand we started shagging under the cover of a large duvet (quietly mind you - didn't want evil little brother to come in and see us). Everything was going great, until I heard Gill yelling for Bill out in the hall. Me and Bill attempted to stop our activities hastily but alas, it was too late. Gill opened the door and caught us mid act.
"Bill!" Door opens
"...um...yeah?"
"Are you shagging?!?!"
"...um....no?.."
Gill whips duvet off us "You are you dirty little beasts!!!!"
"...." me and Bill exchange embarrassed questioning looks
The moment was obviously ruined, and I left for school. It was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life - being quite young at this point. I could never look at her after that, and needless to say the relationship ended pretty quickly.
And yes, I did lose the big V at a fairly young age. Regretfully.
posted
This one isn't cringe-worthy, cheezy or anything at all, really, it's just a story.
My special ladyfriend of the time (let's call her Hildegarde) and I were in bed one night, romancing each other nicely; I'd done my thing with the lighting - the lava lamp bathing us in gentle greens and reds, a couple of candles on the old Wharfedale speakers I use for bedside tables, we'd probably had some wine, and Hildy and I were loving each other in all sorts of nice ways.
She's a top girl is our Hildy, tremendously keen to romp around in bed and enjoy our fun together, and that's precisely what we were doing, enjoying our fun. At one point she disappeared under the duvet and headed south, down there. I pulled the duvet over my head as well as I lay back and let out a moan of satisfaction. It was a perfect moment: a night in with our Hildy, under the duvet keepin' warm from the cold wintry air, and getting the royal treatment from the person I thought, no, knew, was the bestest person in the world.
The waves of pleasure began to flow through me as I lay there and took stock of how ace life can be. This wonderful girl down between my legs, practically entwined in them, and the breeze coming through the window blowing over the duvet.
The breeze made a lovely sound, sort of friendly. It had certainly picked up in the last minute, and I listened to it more carefully; two minutes ago it had been a relatively calm night. Very odd. And the sound seemed to be coming from my left, when the window is on the right, almost as if it was bouncing back off the wardrobe doors.
Very strange. Still, I was being given a wonderful blow job, so not to worry.
But I couldn't stop listening to it, and after a few seconds more decided to lift my head up from under the covers to see what the hell was going on with the world and its strange-sounding breezes.
It wasn't a breeze, of course. It couldn't have been. As I lifted my head out from the warm duvet world I had been cozily inhabiting, and where our Hildy was still busy down below, I entered a world of fire, big flames shooting up around me. The end of the pillow case had come to rest on one of the candles flickering romatically away on the old Wharfedale speaker, and had shot up in flames and begun to spread to the sheet beneath me.
"JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE!"
The scene that followed was somewhat comical, with me flailing my upper torso around outside the duvet world Hildy was still wrapped up in, oblivious to what was going on in the world of fire, as I tried to put out the raging fire that was in danger of engulfing the whole bed in a few seconds. My lower body began to flail a fair bit as well, wrapping our Hildy up in my legs and frantically whacking the pillow on the floor with one hand while I tried to smother the flames on the sheet with the other.
Only when I'd put it all out, with whispered shouts to myself of "fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck", did our Hildy emerge, to a world of charred pillow cases, a bottle of wine rolling round the floor and the spilled contents of an astray all over the shop.
"What happened?" she asked, her mouth glistening.
"T-there was a f-f-fire," I said, my hands shaking, my left eyebrow slightly singed.
"Mmmmm, that's nice", said our Hildy, grinning saucily.
posted
Top story by mart. But. "Grinning saucily" seems to be set in my head as Alice Cooper singing "Yawning sleepily". I'm wondering if I need that. Are you gonna love the man, when the man gets home. No, I don't need that.
posted
My parents being rather hardboiled hippies meant that my dad gave me condoms at a rather early age. I was informed about the birds and the bees accordingly. So one night my parents go out and I stay in with my then girlfriend who I shall call Genevieve to spite mart. Dad closes the door and we not so much repair to my room as we jump up and race one another. We are totally in the show when I hear the outside door open. I can hear my dad mumbling in the hall about where he left his "fucking keys". I can hear him come up to my room. I jump out of bed, and wrap something around my lower half. He comes in ( The art of knocking was never his thing) and sees me standing next to the bed and Genevieve (mart) in it still. Very still. He crooks his finger in an "outside" motion and I go. In the hall he then says: "When you lie next to a girl in your bed, you might get her pregnant, you know". I refer you to the beginning of this post.
posted
I met Bev during my first week at university. In a typically creative piece of Fresher's Week entertainment, a hypnotist was booked to wow the inebriated masses at the union bar. He did all the usual 18-30 tricks with his ten volunteers, you know the sort of thing, "When you hear this music [theatrically cues The Stripper with a click of his fingers] You'll believe you're a male stripper.
Anyway, one of Hypnotits' tricks involved making the ladies believe their chairs were vibrating "in an exciting way". He'd then put an end to the good vibrations with a click of his fingers and the audience would chortle at the disappointed looks on the various girls' faces. The next stage in this gagathon was to explain to the ladies that a switch on the bottom of their chair could make the lovely rumble return to their seats.
It was during this section of the performance that I first noticed Bev. Actually, I'd noticed her before, she was a very attractive girl, but once the vibrating part of the show began, I couldn't take my eyes off her. All the girls on stage reacted in a suitably entertaining fashion - there were a few "oohs" and "ahs" as a line of contented Cheshire cats enjoyed a purr in their pussies. However, Bev went that little bit further.
She was moaning like a choir of ghosts doing backing vocals for Laurie Anderson's Oh Superman. Her slim legs snaked around a chair leg and she ground herself against the steel tube, wide lips slightly parted and brown eyes closed in private ecstasy. She looked just about to blow when Hypnotits pulled the plug on her rumble pack. If you spend December 25th forcing an eight year old to watch you set fire to Buzz Light-year, Tracy Island and Harry Potter's Hogwarts Castle whilst cheerfully repeating "Christmas is cancelled this year, son", you'll still never see a more disappointed look than the one of Bev's face when her seat stopped shaking.
But that disappointment didn't last long. As soon as Hypnotits threw the on/off switch into the equation Bev's pretty face lit up and she scrabbled frantically beneath her chair like a demented chimp. Her Heath Robinson pole dance resumed with renewed vigour and I swear she'd have cum like a Catherine wheel had she not fallen off her chair. She hit the floor and, click, the eyes opened and she was suddenly aware of what was going on. End of show.
But not the end of Bev. Call me sleazy but, I'm sorry to say, that performance was forever branded onto my mucky, young mind, so it was an exciting moment when, a few days later, I struck up a conversation with the sexy star of the show. It was only exciting for a few seconds, being similar to that scene in The Man With Two Brains (at least I think that's the film), when the buxom beauty opens her buzz-saw mouth and noisily severs all sexual allure from her person with the line "It's my voice, isn't it?"
Bev was a beautiful looking girl but as soon as she opened the claxon where her mouth should have been it was almost impossible to notice. Her Bolton fog horn was sexual anathema, the acoustic equivalent of a cold shower with an old man.
Still, a week later we had sex. I was shallow like that. We had lots of great sex over the next few weeks. The problem was, I was embarrassed to go out anywhere with her because she was so incredibly gobby. God that's horrible but I'm afraid it's the truth.
This post did have something to do with the thread's original bold question; I was just filling in the background details and got carried away. Thank you for staying with me, if you have. So, the morning after the last time we slept together, over breakfast Bev bellowed out a line I will never forget, nor, I suspect, will the other residents of her halls, who were well within ear shot (the same country in Bev's case). I don't know if it was supposed to be a turn on but Bev said,
"Fookin 'ell. You shagged me so hard last night I've got sore flaps and stingee wee. Give us a kiss."
We didn't see much of each other after that. Although she did send me a pome, which I've just read, it includes the line, "She rides the night, his saddle firm."
Yee ha!
[ 22 September 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
posted
Neither story is from my own personal experience.
The story that began my SeeMO career
When I was at school, there was this girl - lets call her Jennifer - who made the mistake of trusting her best friend with this story. Jennifer was at home alone one afternoon and was feeling a bit curious (she must have been about 16 at the time.) She got a Kit-Kat and let it melt on her...self. She then called her family dog and got the dog to lick the chocolate off. She did all this in front of a mirror as well, so she could watch. Apparently she enjoyed it. So anyway, Jennifer confided in her best friend, who told a couple of people, who told a couple more people &c. Poor Jennifer's yearbook entry says simply "Have a Break." I've always wondered how she explained it to her parents.
Story 2
So I was at this party with one of my best friends. She started flirting with this guy and progressed to snogging with this guy, and then went outside with this guy. About 5 minutes later she appeared at my side, with this sort of funny look on her face. I asked if she was okay, and she started to half-laugh, half-cry. Turns out that when she had gone outside with the guy, they had been snogging and he had started to stroke her arms and back, before progressing to her breasts. Only it wasn't her breasts but her ribs that he was fondling. He apparently went on for a few minutes - and to begin with she wasn't sure what was going on, but when he started to make nipple-tweaking moments it hit her what he was doing and what he thought he was doing and she had pulled away, made some excuse and walked away. She was half embarrassed and angry that he had thought she was so small busted (she is only an A cup) that her breasts were the size of her ribs, and half amused that he was so inexperienced/ /drunk that he had thought that he was groping her breasts when in fact he was about 5 inches too low.
quote: Iwillbecuteforever1 : how much is your penis? kovacs: how much what...price? Iwillbecuteforever1 : i haven't pic Iwillbecuteforever1 : yes kovacs: £10,000 Iwillbecuteforever1 : is it big? kovacs: you will find out when you pay the price Iwillbecuteforever1 : ok kovacs: u have the cash? Iwillbecuteforever1 : yes Iwillbecuteforever1 : are you prostitute? kovacs: no just expensive Iwillbecuteforever1 : i am a germanchilean
quote: Iwillbecuteforever1: do you like youngs? kovacs: what Iwillbecuteforever1: i am 16 do ou like the young people? kovacs: no Iwillbecuteforever1 : you daid yor penis had price for me Iwillbecuteforever1 : you said your penis had price for me kovacs: yeah get over it Iwillbecuteforever1 : you would let me suck your penis for casch? kovacs: youre too young Iwillbecuteforever1 : that doesn't metter Iwillbecuteforever1 : you are the most cute in this room Iwillbecuteforever1 : you would let me suck your penis for casch? kovacs: no Iwillbecuteforever1 : for many cash? kovacs: fuck off Iwillbecuteforever1 : for fuck? Iwillbecuteforever1 : you would fuck me? kovacs: no Iwillbecuteforever1 : if you r not gay ,why are follow talking with me? kovacs: why, are you gay Iwillbecuteforever1 : no Iwillbecuteforever1 : i am bi kovacs: a man? Iwillbecuteforever1 : yes kovacs: sick fucker
quote:Originally posted by Modge: Neither story is from my own personal experience.
The story that began my SeeMO career
When I was at school, there was this girl - lets call her Jennifer - who made the mistake of trusting her best friend with this story. Jennifer was at home alone one afternoon and was feeling a bit curious (she must have been about 16 at the time.) She got a Kit-Kat and let it melt on her...self. She then called her family dog and got the dog to lick the chocolate off. She did all this in front of a mirror as well, so she could watch. Apparently she enjoyed it. So anyway, Jennifer confided in her best friend, who told a couple of people, who told a couple more people &c. Poor Jennifer's yearbook entry says simply "Have a Break." I've always wondered how she explained it to her parents.
Despite her bizarre sexual preferences, this girl must have the most profound insight into the education system, having attended every school in the country for the last 20 years or so. You'd think she'd learn her lesson from the times she'd been caught by the 'suprise birthday party' in the next room, or the boyfriend hiding in the closet.
posted
Modge did say to me yesterday that it sounded like an urban myth...but she also noted she had the yearbook, with the incriminating Kit-kat reference on it, to prove that this girl attended her school.
Anyway, you're acting like it's a familiar story. I've never heard it or anything like it before...and it doesn't really have a decent plot, or twist, like other urban myths.
quote:Originally posted by Modge: When I was at school, there was this girl - lets call her Jennifer - who made the mistake of trusting her best friend with this story. Jennifer was at home alone one afternoon and was feeling a bit curious (she must have been about 16 at the time.) She got a Kit-Kat and let it melt on her...self. She then called her family dog and got the dog to lick the chocolate off. She did all this in front of a mirror as well, so she could watch. Apparently she enjoyed it. So anyway, Jennifer confided in her best friend, who told a couple of people, who told a couple more people &c. Poor Jennifer's yearbook entry says simply "Have a Break." I've always wondered how she explained it to her parents.
I had a friend who did similar except with jam. She was in her mid 20s though.
posted
It sounds more like something somebody in the school made it up out of spite. It does sound like a 15 year old's wank fantasy.
As for not having heard anything like it. I dunno. I've heard a number of variations. The first time I heard it it was some girl who'd won a competition to have Ricki Martin leap out of the closet only to see her with food on her crack and the dog licking it out. And so on.
Thorn's voting: Vicious, potentially life-ruining rumour on the part of the other kids.
posted
Possible that this one true story spawned some "improved" and more satisfying/sensational myths?
I say again that the dog story doesn't have a proper ending or payoff like a real (false) urban myth. Anyway I will ask Modge what evidence she has to corroborate this.
Astromariner
Going the right way for a smacked bottom
posted
I've definately heard a story almost exactly like it, except I'm not sure if Kit Kat was the confectionery of choice. It sounds a bit like something out of an A. A. Gill novel.
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quote:Originally posted by kovacs: Modge did say to me yesterday that it sounded like an urban myth...but she also noted she had the yearbook, with the incriminating Kit-kat reference on it, to prove that this girl attended her school.
Anyway, you're acting like it's a familiar story. I've never heard it or anything like it before...and it doesn't really have a decent plot, or twist, like other urban myths.
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: I say again that the dog story doesn't have a proper ending or payoff like a real (false) urban myth.
Appreciated, but it sounds like something someone made up just to be mean. "Jenny lets her dog lick chocolate out of her c**t". It sounds so much like that in fact. Other than the fact that this rumour became so established, some little shit saw fit to reference it in the year book, there's nothing to suggest that it's true - unless Modge proves me wrong by saying "Oh no, she was completely shameless aboit it and when challenged, openly admitted to it"
[ 15 September 2003: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
posted
Er, whatevs, dudes. Can we have some more stories? Stories rule. Saying 'oh yes she did / oh no she didn't' is the stuff of pantomime. Incidentally, I once met a boy who claimed that he'd been sucked off by a lady while a dog mated with her at the same time. Whoa.
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posted
I can't really think of anything majorly embarrassing that I've done, or someone has attempted to do to me. I suppose there's the generic thing when you're younger and you rummage around in the ladies bits, not quite finding the right areas. I don't think that's embarrasing though because its unavoidable and as long as you demonstrate a decent learning curve, it would be a churlish character indeed that took someone to task for not being instantly experienced.
As for things being done to me, erm. With a couple of exceptions I think my sexual experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. One girl tried to slip her finger in my ass, but I was quick to explain that that wasn't going to feature in our sex-play, so it was kind of an embarrassment avoided. In the (two) cases where things didn't work out, it was more a case of who I was with and why rather than anything they or I actually did.
So unfortunately I find I have little to contribute here over the banal. I didn't even cum that quickly on my first time (certainly, I've beaten that speed record since). My first crack at oral sex was laughably inept but it doesn't seem appropriate to give out details of another forites sex life.
Topic Closed
/drunk that he had thought that he was groping her breasts when in fact he was about 5 inches too low.
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