I knew that the day was coming. I could feel it. I couldn't see them at first, sitting as I was in my chromed Supra in the concrete garden, but I could sense them all around me, beady little eyes and all. It was ok though, I was ready. I had prepared.The first proper warning I got was when I saw a glint of metal at the gate, probably reflecting my headlights or something. I didn't waste any time. I grabbed my sword from under the seat, and loosed the blade. Slipping the car into first, I gunned it right at the iron gate, and slipped the clutch. For a split second I was worried that the g-forces would stop me from making my escape but I was lucky. As i wrenched the door open and leapt out, I allowed the blade to slice the top off the twin NOS bottles behind the seat, filling the vehicle with explosive laughing gas.
I hit the ground hard and rolled, but I managed to catch a glimpse of the car as it destroyed the gate and erupted into a mushroom of blue and green flame. Now i could see them running, little globs of burning liquid stuck to their ceremonial attire. This was just the beginning and moments later the ninjas stormed in.
I was on my feet in a flash, whirling my kitana around my body, creating a deadly bladespace between me and the fighters. kives and arrows ricocheted off my sword as they tried in vein to take me out the easy way.
The first ninja approached, doing backflips for extra style. I didn't care, though, I wasn't impressed, I just rushed the fucker and whacked my sword throagh his head. He didn't even seem to realise for a second and I was worried it was just a flesh wound but then he fell down and his head fully split on the floor. I would have to watch out there. This ultra-slick tarmac would become treacherously slippery with the blood I was about to spill.
A second ninja tried to charge me but again I was too quick. His guts spilled out of the slice I made in his stomach, and he tripped over his own intestines. He landed on the other dead guy and I stopped and laughed for a minute because it looked a bit like they were bumming, especially as the second bloke convulsed in his death throes.
My laughter was cut cruelly short, though, as two more tried to double team me. I wasn't taking that crap though and used my double flail style to whack them both up before they could say "Banzai!". I hit one of them so hard on the jaw, all his teeth smashed and fell out while he dropped to the ground!
As I was gloating over their untimely deaths, I was hit behind by a sneaky little ninja who'd been slyly creaping up on me. I dropped my chucks and decided to fist fight him to death instead. I jumped, knees first, at his chest, slamming his to the ground and pinning him by his shoulders. I went to punch the fucker in the face, and he was all flinching and shit, but then I unexpectedly reached around and punched him in the balls instead, thus displaying my own sneaky ninja style. He was like "Whooooaaarraaaaoooorraaagh!!!" so I slapped him really hard and he stopped. Then I punched him in the face till his head actually burst on the floor.
Another Ninja tried to rush me and I'd dropped my weapons. I had no choice but to use the nearest available thing, so I ripped the dead guys arm off and swung the wet end at the approaching assailant. I didn't hit him but he was temporaraly blinded by some blood. I took this chance to make a fist out of the hand on the severed arm, thus effectively extending my punching reach by over a metre. An effective weapon indeed.
Five ninjas surrounded me but it was ok, as they didn't expect me to swing the arm around, hitting them all in the nuts simultanuously. Then I kicked them in the face for a bit until they died too.
By this time, there was a big pool of blood on the floor, making standing hard. Once again, my resourcefulness came through in the form of an idea. I hooked my feet into the belts of two dead ninjas, making ninja corpse shoes which I could use to deliver a crushing blow to any would-be killer. I also grabbed another severed arm and put a sword in each of the cold dead hands, creating a swordspan of nearly ten metres in total.
More and more ninjas poured in, each meeting their deaths in the most gruesome fashion, until the floor was covered in dead ninjas. As i whirled and killed, I grew increasingly aware of a short man in a golden robe standing nearby, observing the fighting.
It was clear that he was the big ninja boss and I would need more than carefully constructed arm extensions to kill him. The waves of ninjas were now exhausted and me and the man stood alone, atop a sea of black linen and blood.
He let out an almighty cry and flew into the air, preparing to drop a fatal blow from above. I played along for a second, fooling him into thinking I didn't know what he was up to, so I lit a cigarette and looked caually at my watch. I could hear the whistle of air as his iron fist rapidly flew down to hy head, and at the last second, I whipped round, avoiding the fist, and jabbed the burning cigarette into his eye with a fizz. Now he was really pissed, not just about his eye, but also because, as an ex smoker, the nicotine going directly into his brain rekindled the old cravings. I spotted my opportunity for the kill and offered the man a cigarette. An offer I knew he couldn't refuse. The last laugh was on him, though, as he lit the cigarette his guard dropped and I was able to deliver a final blow. Reaching round to my back, I yanked the high calibre semi-automatic gun from my belt and squeezed round after round into his chest. He jerked wildly as the bullets entered his body, and after quite a lot, maybe a hundred or so, he actually fell into little pieces.
My foes vanquished, I sat cross legged on the pile of bodies, and contemplated the slughter that had just gone on. It had been a shame to ruin the car, but probably worth it.
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Just improved my afternoon by 76% approx.
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