Most of you have known me for quite some time, not only from posting on these forums but also from a few rather momentous and fun meetings. I've been incredibly fortunate to form very strong friendships with many of you - even to the point of being deemed worthy to attend your weddings, be there to see you become parents and feel truly cherished to become parts of your lives. The friends I have made on here have all made a large impact on my life, and for that and knowing you all I am truly blessed.
You will have all got to have known me - some more than others, and as well as my good points some have even got to know my darker sides - my lack of confidence, depression and alcohol abuse. All heavy stuff but it's these things that you confide in people when you need help. Now this is not some sort of internet intervention request or another excuse for me to parade my shortcomings, but a request for help of a different kind.
For many years I have been unhappy with my life - sure there are bits of it that are just wonderful which many of you are a part of, but the previous friday one of my darker sides of alcoholic stupidity caused my to upset someone close to me who then pulled no punches the following day to point out how stupid I was. We had a long talk the next day about it all, and also about some other factors in my life which I have been shying away from getting resolved, and she made me see things in a different light. Then that evening we went to dinner with some very dear friends of mine, including a couple from Australia who I have not seen in some time - the first point I should make is that through my choice I decided to spend the evening sober - as I say completely my choice - and suprised myself by having a thoroughly nice evening. I still was able to socialise, converse and enjoy myself and all whilst remaining off the booze.
Anyway whilst sitting at dinner, my friends from Australia whom have both changed their careers (one has qualified as a fire fighter, the other is at Uni to become a midwife and both whilst parents and with very different earlier careers) were chatting about things. Anyway I got to talking about my job - one I have done for a long time, and one I realise does not reward me in any way - in fact one I have come to detest. We chatted for a bit, I made some glib comment about getting rich and my friend Christina asked what I would do if I did become wealthy. Well I am sure we all have dreams, and mine is quite simple - I've always wanted to design and build my own house - just something that has always been there. She then blurted out something which made me have a bit of an epiphany, something I had never even considered but just seems perfect:
"So why don't you study to be an architect?"
I had a moment, a reality check almost. Something I had never properly considered as a career yet something that seems to be perfect. It's creative, and whilst I have not a lot of what I call artistic flair, technical drawing is something I have trained in and from my days as a kid when I loved to draw, always I drew pictures of technical things - aircraft, cars and yes populated landscapes. I even recall drawing and designing military bunker systems come to think of it. This desire for designing a house has been with me since I was a teenager, and I have always had this submerged adoration of buildings in general, especially the innovative design of some of the modern masterpieces (British Library is a particular favourite). Plus I would get to use my photography skills, computer design skills - it just seems spot on. And what is more, getting a proper education and a degree would stop me regretting my missed chances as a kid as even things like having worked on building sites, understanding electrics and appliances - well it just all leads I think to one thing. I would be able to use my creativity and hopefully leave a small legacy behind when I leave this mortal coil, whether that be a reference piece of industrial architecture or just a small house that some people love and call home.
Now this of course is going to be pretty far from easy - 7 years of study and all without the pre-requisite education but I am informed that mature students do not need to have all the relevant qualifications as work experience count for a lot, as much as a passion, a decent portfolio and a willingness to learn. And god knows how I am going to support myself, but I will worry about that when the time comes. But I am going to need some advice from you guys as you have mostly been through the university system, understand how it works and can maybe enlighten me on a few things.
Considering my lacklustre education (a few CSE's, 2 years of BTEC studies in electronics and engineering), would I have to do some sort of foundation course to even be considered?
Bursarys and grants - are these only for people of proven talent or would someone like me possibly qualify? I was considering the option of a distance or part time degree but I think that might take just a bit too long. Else I guess its stacking shelves for a few years, but I think I could cope with that.
Discrimination - tricky one this but if I apply, how serious would they consider me over a 19 year old fresh out of college? I did read that mature students do tend to perform generally well so wonder if that would go in my favour.
What do they mean by AAA/CCC on universities for applications? Is this the required A level results?
Finally any recommendations for a Uni? There is the Rietveld academie here, where actually quite bizarrely I know they guy who heads up the Architecture school - shame I pissed him off a couple of years back over a web site job, but perhaps I might still be able to talk to him. Else I guess I might be looking at going somewhere else.
Yes this is a huge step, but one forward, and I think this is what I need to sort myself out on so many platforms. Financially it is going to be a nightmare, but I will somehow overcome all of this. And what is more, I am going to try to do it sober for a while to see how it goes. And rather than my defeatist attitude of the past, I'm not going to take no for an answer on this - I want to stop existing and start living, and I am sure that even for someone like me, this is a possibility and not just a dream.
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I don't know - I'm still suffering from Friday.. Why do we always end up ratted when we mean to be so civil ?
Anyway.. I digress
While it's never too late to try something new and its always good to dream perhaps it would be a lot simpler and a lot better to just start liking yourself a bit more and stop thinking there's greener grass out there - Many people don't even have grass, and let's face it - Soon, much, much sooner than you want or think it'll all be over and the only things that remain will be but what other people will remember of you, and you want that to be good.
I'm not sure where I'm going here really I'm just trying to say that you should like yourself, and not matter if you study to build a house or work as a cleaner or milk cows or make billions it's all worthless if you don't like yourself a little more and find happiness in what you are and where you are now, now is all there is so it's all that matters..
You seem to turn down and sabotage pretty much any chance you have of being happy by looking for something, anything else... It can't be healthy.
Next time we meet up it's going to be a sober, peaceful night and some Tapas.. But that'll be after Christmas I expect now.. Which is good as you're always a miserable sod at Christmas anyway
Do whatever makes you happy dude, start small, start with a smile on the inside, it'll make you feel better.
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I agree with Darryn. Throughout the time I've been here on tmo, you've reguarly torn the book and started again. The thing is, you can't really do that. You can't erase the past or yourself by starting a new project. You'll still be you, and all the things that keep dragging you down come from inside, not outside. You need to make peace with yourself, not keep trying to be a new person. Probably need to forgive yourself for something. I don't really know how you do that though. I suppose I've managed it by accepting that I've made my mistakes but I'm the only one who beats myself up over this shit. And everybody I know has acted like a dick and done stupid shit at one time, and I've forgiven them. Literally everything I do and say gives me a moment of 'ffs I'm a fucking idiot' - my idea of who I am in my head and the reality of my actions and words seem totally different, but I have learned to accept that unless people are actually telling me I'm a fucking idiot, it probably isn't as bad as I think it is. And you know, even people who are your friends can sometimes act like fucking idiots and you can see it, but does it make you dislike them, or is it just part of them - unavoidable because they're human, and forgotten about soon enough? Should be the same with yourself. Accept who you are, your faults are your quirks, everybody has them, nobody is perfect.
And maybe life isn't about making fantasies come true - if you set that as your goal, you'll be chasing them the whole time, turning life into a single mission, missing out on everything else, remaining unsatisifed, believing and trusting too much in luck. Life's an experience, and you'll be dead at the end no matter what, so you know. The best bit about life is the quality of your relationships with other people, but you can only get the most out of these once you've got a decent non-abusive relationship with yourself, so you don't feel like everybody is doing you a favour by not being a **** to you. You're always talking about how thankful you are... it sounds like you feel that it's a gift, and a gift is one way. Obsessing about how bad you are and how much you let people down can be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Just some thoughts. Sounds like bullshit, and probably is. I know that some people would violently disagree, and would stress the importance of trying over and over again to somehow morph into the person that you wish you could be. I'm not 'massively depressed' right now, so this stuff seems to make sense. If I was, then it would all be meaningless chatter, such is the nature of the beast. And it's not like I don't reguarly collapse inwards into a fit of self-pitying obsession about my own perceived failures.
Don't know. Could this cycle of grand projects and pits of depression be a symptom of a bi-polar thing?
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I suppose it's not neccesarily true that 'The best bit about life is the quality of your relationships with other people'.
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quote:Originally posted by Kanye West: I suppose it's not neccesarily true that 'The best bit about life is the quality of your relationships with other people'.
posted
Thanks for all the input - I must admit tonight the whole idea of it all sounds so preposterous now.
I used to mock Steelgate on here because of his obvious floored perspectives because of his own (we assume) deficiencies. Reading back the majority of what I post on here now, I'm exactly the same. Hair brained schemes, all written with good intentions yet days later absolutely pointless, showing up my floored mental capabilities and if anything, making look like a bloody idiot.
The thing is, yesterday I had a similar conversation with my housemate who pointed out the exact same thing, how I get these ideas and can talk so passionately about them and then do nothing with them. The one decent idea I have had for a business plan which has gained a lot of support has been cast to the pile all the other ones have gone to, and where the above idea also has a place firmly reserved.
Now I have already stated about the depression, but Benway has mentioned something which I hadn't considered, and after a lot of reading I think might have a sense of truth in it, but also because I think I have a good reason to back up it's recent apparent worsening. Bear with me on this....
Bi-polar it seems, certainly in its symptoms I am a candidate - the depression, hopelessness and then occasionally these moments of fantastic plans and schemes - I have had a few hair-brained ones in the past, and some of them actually had a few legs - there was the idea of a passport reader and a back-end database (yes common now, but I had this back in the 80's - probably when it was in development, but still had that idea). Then there was the second hand goods tracking system for combatting the sale of stolen goods, the more recent tour management system which I am told is a viable possibility, , The expat site for brits abroad and I am sure through the years there have been countless others. I am beginning to sound like some sort of madcap inventor, but there have indeed through time been these daft ideas, as well as grandiose life-changing plans like becoming a roadie or an architect. No doubt I have bored you before about them in previous posts.
But as well as that there has been the constant reccurance of bouts of hopelessness, depression, alcohol abuse and many other just self-destroying and deprevating behaviour which most would assume is abnormal. And yes, I'll be honest these include some very fucking nasty thoughts about a quick a permanent solution to all of my problems which I don't really think I need to paint on here, and is one of the apparent symptoms listed with all of the above.
But a little more research here about this all and I have found something fundamental in my life which has amplified these symptoms and indeed points perhaps a diagnosis at Bi-polar as a very serious possibility with me. Now bear with me here, as tonight at work I have been having a very bad episode again tonight for which I couldn't suss the trigger - initially I thought it was just some crap at home, but actually there might be another cause.
You see, this year I have suffered badly with it from January onwards - I put the trigger of this down to losing my job at Indover and having 6 months out of work, yet since starting my current job it hasn't let up much, and as the nights get longer it has indeed got worse - BUT - and this is a very big but indeed, it appears that a major contributor to this is a non-standard work pattern - shift work. I read this if you want an idea - and it got me back to thinking about it all. Now whilst the depression has come and go throughout my life I have difficulty in remembering exact times, but if I analyse the list above of all the crackpot plots I can place them back to where I was working - exactly. And the one fundamental thing in common with all of those madcap ideas was I was working at companies where I worked shifts at the time - ABN AMRO - the second hand sales site. The passport control system - Centre File. The tour manager thing - originally at ABN Again, but the real ideas came working here - and all of them on 24x5/7 shifts. And believe me there have been many places in between where I have not been working such unsocial hours where I can't recall any such bouts of fantastic plotting. I could be very wrong, but even so if I could tie down the worse bouts of the depression to these times I may have a distinct chance of identifying if indeed at least, a major symptomatic amplifier in my condition (if indeed that is what I have)
I am not making this up I promise you, but Benway I really think you have put me on to something. I really have to think hard about some of the other symptoms such as the alcohol abuse and see if there is any correlation with this as well, and I am sure that perhaps that will need some soul searching as well but properly under the guidance of a medical proffesional.
I also want to point out I am not under a bout of what they call mania currently but I honestly think there are very strong possibilities, which naturally can only be properly diagnosed by a professional, but it is a distinct possibility and one I had never properly considered before. I should add there are actually some aspects from my youth which would back this up, one case in particular now I come to recall with my earliest recollections of at least the black dog days - It was when I was getting up at 4am to do a paper round as a kid- I was taken to the doctor after some months because my folks couldn't work out why I was such a miserable bastard and the doctor told me to quit said job and the cloud lifted - coincidence? Or perhaps I am just a workshy gobshite, but still it's a relevant thought.
Well the next step is to go see the quack, which I will try and do in the morning to get a referral to a specialist, but from then on and only if this is the case I have a better idea of how to treat this and perhaps try and be a little more "normal". I am sure there are a lot more things that will need to be done but it's a start.
So Benway, for the idea and the hope, sincerely - thank you.
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