posted
So, as most of you know I’m divorced. I was tricked into marrying my ex-wife when she played the guilt card on me about our daughter having my surname and how hard it would be to make that happen if we were not married which coincidentally was a huge pack of lies and she knew it, I on the other hand didn’t.
My ex-wife is a lazy bitch and she lets Summer get away with murder. To be honest I don’t really like my daughter very much, she’s lazy (a trait she inherited from her mother) she has no interests other than staring at cartoons or watching Idols and despite my best efforts to generate interest in her, take her to museums, day trips to the park, share even an interest in Idols with her there’s nothing sparking.
So this weekend my parents are coming over from the UK. My mental mother who won’t fly (too scared) or go on a boat (again irrational fear of water and drowning) is coming over from Portsmouth to Dunkirk where we shall drive to in the morning (2.5/3 hours tops) to spend the afternoon and pick up Christmas gifts for both her and Beckett.
This was arranged 3 months ago.
Yesterday I heard (and only because we phoned) that she is refusing to go and that her mother won’t put her foot down and support me and tell her she HAS to go. A 9 year old child is doing what she does best and is throwing a tantrum and being allowed to get away with it, I’m getting no support from my ex-wife and now my Parents are leaving home at 5.30am on Saturday morning to drive to Dover to take a ferry to Dunkirk to spend the afternoon with their granddaughter who they hardly ever see and she’s not going to be there SIMPLY because her mother refuses to tell her she has to go. If she lived with me I wouldn’t tolerate the behavior and I’d stick her in the car and let her sulk, she’ll live.
So I thought it best to warn my mother that she was refusing to come, I called and got my father who I explained the situation to, he relayed the message to my mother who immediately starts yelling “I’m not talking to him, he’s just letting me down” and so on, and so on.
My ex wife uses me like a personal piggy bank constantly borrowing money allegedly for things my daughter needs and not paying it back, taking the money I give her monthly anyway and spending it on God only knows what, letting me down at the last minute when I’m expecting to pick her up only to have her say ‘she’s not coming, I forgot we’re going to a party’. Am I so wrong to expect some support ?
Now none of this is directly my daughters fault, she’s a product of her environment as most kids are but I’ve had enough. This is the straw that breaks the camels back. 9 years I’ve been trying to have some impact on her personality, hoping I can drum in a bit of decency and respect for other people, give her some values that don’t come from the gutter and help mould her into a good person only to watch her degrade, de-evolve if you will from a bright baby so full of promise into an ‘emotionally backward’ toddler and upon my ex moving in with her new partner, watching my own daughter become what I can only call an urchin.
So, what’s a boy to do ?
I’m putting my foot down, if she won’t come and her mother won’t tell her to come then I’m no longer prepared to have her come and stay at the weekends any more.
To go from every other weekend to once a month for an afternoon, to lend no more money and to cut all ties except for a bare minimum., I have no influence, she being raised in a manner I find appalling and there’s nothing I can do about it so I feel I have no other choice.
Not because of anything she’s done, but rather because of hat she’s being allowed to get away with, she’s 9 and still sucks a dummy for fucks sake and her mother just laughs it off, she throws tantrums and makes herself sick to get out of doing things and she’s allowed to get away with it, she’s destructive, she’s ignorant (no please, or thank you’s) and all she wants to do is stare at the TV and whatever changes I try to make to this behavior are erased as soon as she goes home.
I’ve been banging my head against a wall for 9 years, is it really so evil of me to want to stop.
Is anyone else out there a divorced dad ? Has anyone else been through similar ?
posted
Christ alive. I wish I could offer something useful in the way of advice Darryn, but I have only sympathy.
I don’t think it’s evil of you to want to stop, no. I can understand you feeling angry and frustrated and helpless. It’s obviously come to a head in the last few days so you probably need to hang fire on announcing your feelings for a few days at least, just to calm down. I’m sure you’ve been thinking about it for years so it isn’t a knee-jerk decision but it’s probably safest to let things settle before you start officially ‘distancing’ yourself from your daughter. You might find yourself regretting it in years to come, or even sooner.
posted
Shit, Mr. Admin sir. That's a toughie. I'm divorced, and I'm a dad, but I'm not a divorced dad. I can't imagine having children and not living with them, raising them, etc. I wish I had some words of advice for you on this one, but I do not.
posted
It's been hanging in the air for ages, you're right about holding off though, I've even opted out of all conversation with my ex and my daughter at the moment and thankfully (Because she loves me and cares about me for which I will be forever in her debt) Femke has taken over and is trying to coax Summer to come, although she has explained how I feel to my ex-wife it was apparently simply greeted with an 'ah well'.
I wouldn't really expect her to care though, all I am to her is a cashpoint. She'll be on the phone spouting self righteous shite as soon as the next child support payment is due or if she runs out of money for fags..
It's a miserable, frustrating and unfair situation- but the reason you're finding it miserable and shit is because you're obviously a great dad who just wants the best for his kid. Although all your care and best wishes are currently being kicked back in your face, I would hope that the effort you've put in will be rewarded eventually. It doesn't look like you're going to get a short-term response to your efforts, but I think that some time in the future your daughter will come to realise what a great support you've been.
I'm fortunate not to have divorced parents, so I can only imagine what convoluted, complex and ever-changing emotions the kids in the middle have.
I wouldn't worry too much about her not being interested in all your thoughtful attempts to provide interesting days out. I remember moaning constantly at being taken to the park/beach if I was in the middle of watching telly or reading a book. I think kids always go through a phase of being boring, ungrateful little shits. One of my aunts always used to get us creative presents, like books that were full of inventive stuff to do on rainy days. Being miserable little ingrates though, we mostly just watched telly on rainy days and ignored all the fun stuff that she'd made an effort to find.
So don't take it personally and stuff.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden. Posts: 4941
| IP: Logged
posted
Ooh just read that again - I very uncomfortable with posting personal stuff on the board - I'll probably edit it out later.
Posts: 874
| IP: Logged
posted
Keep trying Darryn... though I can't imagine how frustrating it must be. I don't have any personal experience with a situation like this, but I can only rationalize that if she's being raised in what sounds to be an unhealthy environment, then she needs any shred of decency or normalcy that she can get. So, much as VOP said, I think you have to keep offering - visits, phone calls, or whatever.
But isn't there any way you can reduce your ex-wife's influence a bit? For example- if your daughter needs new school clothes, have her select which ones she wants (ie online, perhaps) and then have them shipped to her (the idea here, I suppose, would be to remove the cash from the equation, so your daughter gets what she needs without your ex being able to misuse the money for smokes or whatever).
But I think you'll just have to keep trying - I think your daughter needs a good influence in her life.
so goes 2k.
-------------------- Give 'em .0139 fathoms and they'll take 80 chains. Posts: 3201
| IP: Logged
It’s hard as I'm really, probably only still in Holland because of Summer. My family are all in the UK and we're not close at all so the only person she ever sees from my family is me and I get no support or understanding from my ex or her family at all, as long as 'they're alright' my feelings are ridden all over. Whenever I've expressed concerns about how she was being looked after, what she's allowed to do/not allowed to in the past (Both while married and post divorce) I'm told I'm wrong and that they know best and that I HAVE to accept their way of doing things and what they want. As I say my ex-wife is just pure 100% lazy, she couldn't even be bothered to start potty training Summer till she was 4 years old, when I go to pick her up at the weekends she's filthy, her clothes have never been clean, even the 'clean set' she brings with her (On a number of occasions her 'clean clothes' were so dirty we put them directly into the washing machine) she came last time in shoes that were more holes than shoes. I wouldn't care if it wasn't for the fact that I buy 50% of her clothes and shoes and her 'Dutch' grandparents and 'English' grandparents buy the other 50%.
I don't want to shut the door on her but I can't take the way the current situation is making me feel. The only way out I see is to cut right back on whatever dealings I have to have with them. The door will always be open if she wants to see me, but I doubt that my name will even get a mention or the idea of visiting me will be brought up ever by my ex, who frankly is an abhorrent creature.
Right now I'm too angry to think, I just need to know that I'm not a BAD MAN for considering drastically cutting back on how often I see her and have to deal with that whole 'other' side of my life.
I've always done my best to be civil and help my ex out, sadly there's been no reciprocation and after 9 years I've simply had enough.
VOP if you want to edit that you can now
Oh Froopy, I already buy most of her clothes and get her whatever she needs for school and the like, there's no way she's ever going to pull her fangs out of me for the cash.. Despite the fact that the money is allegedly for Summers well being. Believe me, I've tried.
posted
Jesus that's maddening. Don't throw in the towel. From my experience it is important to keep the welcome mat out. She's your girl and she needs to know that, even if it looks like she can do without you now, it won't always be that way. Fair play to you for the efforts. Like VP said, kids can be awful stubborn, irritable yokes at times, it's their disposition rather than a personal affront.
posted
Once a fortnight, I work for a service that provides supervised contact for parents who are unable - for many different reasons - to have access to their children. Too often the fathers - and most of the contact parents are fathers - fell frustrated, powerless and depressed by a situation that has no apparent means of resolution.
When you add in the hurt that other family members suffer - grandparents, uncles and aunties - the pain is almost unbearable.
Of course you feel like throwing in the towel, that is only a natural but there will be a day when your daughter is old enough to forge her own 'genuine' relationship with you. There will be a day when you can sit down and tell her how much you love her and how much you missed her and how much you needed her.
I really do sympathise. It is a horrible situation.
Posts: 2434
| IP: Logged
posted
Well, despite all best efforts on Femke's part Summer won't budge. And so the once in every 5 year visit of my parents to see their Grandaughter isn't going to happen and I'm going to have to endure a day full of moaning and complaining from my old dear and spend a day in France for no reason whatsoever.
Waste of time.
*Edit - Waste of time as we could have come to the UK for a few days instead, seen some of you guys had a couple of beers, gone shopping all sorts, there's no reason to drag my xenophobic semi-psychotic cripple of a mother into France where she can be miserable and in return make me miserable.
posted
Damn, what a horrible situation. My sister has 6 kids, three by her current husband, the rest through different, stupid-teenage meetings, and none of the other fathers have made any effort to stay in contact, provide support etc - so to hear that you try all those things and end up being little more than a 'cash-point' is just horrible. I don't think your wrong in cutting off the money though, I think you should, and, when the question is raised, say that you'll talk to your daughter and only her as to why. Ex sounds poisonous.
-------------------- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down Posts: 2741
| IP: Logged
I've been trying to think of something constructive to say, but, you know... I'd definitely agree that cutting off the bread is must. Give her exactly what she's entitled to and that's her fucking whack. Kids can be disappointing, but it's not their fault is it. It's the parents... in this case the primary carer. You're obviously a lovely guy and a caring dad, but what can you do? I'd say keep all the avenues open for your daughter. Catalogue the inviatations you make to see her/have her stay over. Talk to her all you can and tell her she's loved, you want to see her, you've asked to have contact with her, etc, etc; If it doesn't happen then it's her mum's fault. She's nine now. When she's fifteen she 'll have a different perspective on things. When she's twenty she'll resent her mum and be glad she's got a dad that cares about her and hasn't left her to the tender mercies of her useless fucking mum, but rather tried to maintain contact and support despite her mother's laziness and general meh.
It's a tough one, D. I think you've done more than your fair share and I think you're a brave fucker for bringing this to the boards. Keep a polite distance from your ex and keep all avenues of contact with your daughter open. Don't expect too much from her. She's under the influence. She'll appreciate the fuck out of you when she's an adult.
Good luck and love, as usual.
[ 28.10.2005, 14:40: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Kids can be disappointing, but it's not their fault is it. It's the parents... in this case the primary carer. You're obviously a lovely guy and a caring dad, but what can you do? I'd say keep all the avenues open for your daughter. Catalogue the inviatations you make to see her/have her stay over. Talk to her all you can and tell her she's loved, you want to see her, you've asked to have contact with her, etc, etc; If it doesn't happen then it's her mum's fault. She's nine now. When she's fifteen she 'll have a different perspective on things. When she's twenty she'll resent her mum and be glad she's got a dad that cares about her and hasn't left her to the tender mercies of her useless fucking mum, but rather tried to maintain contact and support despite her mother's laziness and general meh.
And that is exactly what I would say too.
Is there anyway you could have her for a decent amount of time, like a month or so, in the holidays? Maybe with a bit more uninterrupted time together you might be able to make a difference.
-------------------- Call that a contribution? Posts: 1162
| IP: Logged
posted
I've tried a thousand times Salty, I can't get any extra time, holidays - nothing.
Every year I've asked her to come with us to the South of France on holiday, every year 'no' because she doesn't want to, or so I'm told.
They don't care how I feel, so they tell her, if she even has a shadow of a doubt about going somewhere, that she doesn't have to go, so she doesn't and I lose out.
posted
I know a lot of fathers who believe that over here too, but after working as a lawyer who had dealings with the family court both at trial and on appeal, I know that's not the case (and I'm hoping it is also a misperception over there). The court should be concerned with the welfare and best interest of the child (and having clean clothes and good discipline are among those interests), and I don't know any judge who, when faced with a father's home that would best meet the child's needs, would boldly disregard it in favor of some "mother's bond."
Posts: 687
| IP: Logged
posted
Because she is 9 Rooster, she's old enough to decide who she wants to live with, there's no real danger from having a lazy parent who is happy to live off beans on toast and McDonalds, chain smoke and always have the look of a tramp.
That's just the way it is.
It's a shame, still in the end my mum was alright about it. My brother is also divorced and his ex-wife is at loggerheads with my parents over his foods and bedtimes and the like. Only plus side there is she lives in one of my family's houses so they have her kind of over a barrel and get him whenever they want (once or twice a week).
I think finally she felt a little sorry for me.
Still, doesn't solve the situation, I'll have to grin and bear I guess, but somethings gotta change - and soon.
-------------------- my own brother a god dam shit sucking vampire!!! you wait till mum finds out buddy!
posted
Darryn, I have a sister who sounds just like your ex. She plays the kids off against their dad - getting them to ask for money for PCs or things for school when in reality its for herself. If he doesn't pay up, she won't let the kids talk to him - she doesn't tell them he calls and won't pass on messages.
Maybe your daughter is not aware that you want her to visit or go on holidays - I know my sister never tells her kids their dad would like to see them - just makes out he's lazy, good for nothing and they don't know better.
Your daughter doesn't understand at the moment as she's only 9 and just doing what kids do but she will become older and wiser and realise that you did make an effort.
Why don't you try writing to her and asking her directly if she'd like to come to stay for a while. Maybe you could strike up some kind of rapport that way.
I think further down the line you might regret cutting off contact. Your daughter is just a product of her environment but it won't always be like that. Try and stick with it for her sake
Posts: 110
| IP: Logged
Kellifer a beautiful, sensitive impenetrable mind.
posted
Darryn, I'm so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you are having with your ex and Summer. Misc told me you had posted and having read everything people have said, I tend to agree with Black Mask that you should cut off your ex and try to hold onto your daughter as much as you can, even if she doesn't seem to realise your compassion for her is in her best interests right now.
I know this wouldn't help much at the moment, but perhaps you could keep a journal of how you feel regarding Summer and show it to her when she is older, so she can appreciate how you have always loved and cared for her despite the difficulties her mother is putting you both through. If nothing else it might offer you some kind of outlet or some hope for bridging the gap later on in her life.
All the best matey, you are a good person. It's a shame freeloading fuckwits just see goodness as the teat to suck your soul dry with. Take care.
-------------------- Oh when I was in love with you, then I was clean and brave. Posts: 856
| IP: Logged
posted
Fuck, Darryn. You are a really good guy,I've always known it. That's something the Ex can never do anything about. Keep the line of contact open, kids are unable to see the benefits of parenting while they are growing up, but most will realise when it matters, you were always there. Even if it was at the end of a phone. As for the way your daughter is, it's nature more than nurture. Look at my family, we were raised the same way, but my older sister is a cnut. Mind you, you could always fight fire with fire..... "I want a ____ for Christmas" "No! I dont want to buy you it!" "Why Daddy?" "Because I dont!" (throw a tantrum, make youself sick) ...yeah, I know , prolly in bad taste. It still remamins you are an excellent father. Keep doing what you're doing
Posts: 350
| IP: Logged
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic