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Yesterday, some flannel-sucking Dalston-dwelling crazy lady motherfucker stole my handbag. I was sitting down outside the Wellington pub, enjoying a glass of wine and a roast dinner with a charming young man, with the bag on the floor by my foot. And at some point, the fucking bitch swiped it. There goes iPod, credit cards, cameraphone, about £30 cash and £150 in Euros, expensive spectacles, make-up, blah blah blah life in handbag lost identity without it ETC.
But! Most important of all! The witch stole the only copy of my bike key! Now my darling bike is locked to a fucking pole in Dalston where it is at huge risk, and I have no idea how to get it off! (Of course I did not make a note of the serial number of the lock when I bought it - that would be, like, organised.)
So. What do I do? Hire an angle-grinder? Freeze it with liquid nitrogen and hit it with a hammer? How do I get my darling bike off the fucking pole? How do bicycle theives do it? How can I prove to people that the bike is mine, and get them to help me steal it?
posted
Once upon a time the police would have helped you out. They probably still will if you flutter your eyelids at them. Alternatively, a locksmith should sort it for a small fortune.
posted
If you know anyone who has a car, in their boot there should be a wind up car jack thing. If you put that inside the lock (assuming it's a D-Lock), you just put that inside the lock and start turning and it will break the lock open after a while.
It does mean you'll need to get a new lock obviously, but it's better than getting a new bike.
I had my wallet stolen on Satuday from a locker in the public swimming pool in the 40 minutes I was swimming. I was told (helpfully) by the girl on reception that I shouldn't leave valuables in the locker. She didn't seem to disagree with the suggestion that I go swimming with my wallet and mobile in my swimming trunks.
Edit to say : This is something that I've heard will work, not something I've ever actually tried.
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I had my mobile phone stolen on Friday night/Saturday morning while in a state of "some confusion" following the K&M wedding bash.
Because it was a 'work mobile' I had to report the theft to the IT/comms department to have it blocked when I got in today - fortunately, it turns out that it was one of those 'complete piece of shit' models that, as the laughing IT support drone explained, have mostly been recycled or melted down during the past five years.
There were therefore no consequences to my loss/neglect of this piece of public property - something that had been bothering me since I discovered its absence. Phew!
In fact, I'd be willing to bet that the person who took it probably ended up getting shivved in the eye for "disrispec'in me wit y wac mobie, blud".
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quote:Originally posted by ben: I had my mobile phone stolen on Friday night/Saturday morning while in a state of "some confusion" following the K&M wedding bash.
was it snatched from you or did you not notice it being stolen? if it was snatched i feel your pain. that happened to me when i had a mobile phone (3 years ago. i haven't had one since i've been here) in manc. imagine if you will, a sweaty, tired just out of the gym damo trying to run after a 16 year old kid who just robbed my phone. i caught his mate. but nothing came of it.
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posted
Yeah. I think that me with my broken limpy leg chasing the flannel-sucking crazylady down the road must have been quite a funny sight. Haha. See AMP run. See AMP limp. See AMP cry.
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posted
Erm, I will cut it with a hacksaw and if anyone challenges me I will cut them with a hacksaw? Will you be there to represent the bike massive if someone calls the police?
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Erm, I will cut it with a hacksaw and if anyone challenges me I will cut them with a hacksaw? Will you be there to represent the bike massive if someone calls the police?
Yes! I will phone the police now and see if they can help me, but if not, then Operation Hacksaw or Operation AngleGrinder should take place ASAP. There is a tool hire place fairly near where the bike is.
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I wouldn't fancy your chances of getting through a modern lock with a hacksaw, London; even with NWOD's mighty bicepters at your disposal. Also, angle grinders usually need electricity; if you hire one, be sure to hire a long extension lead also, to plug in at the home of a friendly Daltsonite.
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posted
Funny you should say that Jonester. My dads bike was stolen when I was working several floors up in a building block and security told me they couldn't do anything about it. What comes as no surprise, is that the security for the building was a huge overweight women. Two things were going through my mind. One: How will I explain this to my dad? Two: How the hell is this obese women supposed to deter crime? The security guys tell me that they have video footage of the person coming up to the bike and using some wire cutters to simply snip the lock off. They aslo tell me they don't know what his face looks like. The camera was mounted half way up a building so this thief must of been smelling the blood or an englishman or something because how the hell would his head not appear on the camera? Luckily for me, I was paying through the nose for some spank-ass housing insurance and borrowing my dads bike and having it stolen at work was covered. Sweet! My step-mother said 'now be smart, get yourself a decent lock and I bought one so chun-kay that it made it about five times harder to pedal because of the excess weight.
eta: look how much faith is invested in me. brings a tear to mein eye
[ 18.07.2005, 12:52: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
quote:Originally posted by SilverGinger5: If you know anyone who has a car, in their boot there should be a wind up car jack thing. If you put that inside the lock (assuming it's a D-Lock), you just put that inside the lock and start turning and it will break the lock open after a while.
Yes it does work. I did this to my mate's bike, as he'd lost the keys, in front of CCTV cameras, in view of the "security" guards, who just sat and watched us break the lock, stuff bike in back of car, drive off
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posted
What about the fire brigade? They chop people out of cars an stuff, so they must have some pretty good chopping equipment.
Mind you, when our cat got stuck up a tree they wouldn’t come for 24 hours because apparently most cats only pretend that they are stuck.
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quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: and I bought one so chun-kay that it made it about five times harder to pedal because of the excess weight
I think that's the problem, right there. Cyclists need to carry around more crime-deterring ironmongery than Burton's Batman (including the bat mobile - ho ho, twat) in order to secure their cycle properly.
As I understand it, most cheap, lightweight locks are a piece of piss to hacksaw through, cut with bolt croppers etc. Any lock that's fairly pricey, tasty and modern should be beyond sawing or bolt cropping. If it's a D Lock - and the D is big enough to get a car jack in - then 8 out of 10 hoodrats prefer SG5's car jack-bike jack suggestion. It works.
Apparently, many super duper uber locks can be broken into using either a plasma torch, or the lid of a bic pen. I'm not sure how the latter works.
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Just asked the police - they won't help. When my wife lost her keys, she went to the tool hire place and asked to hire an angle grinder, and the bloke was like 'S'alright luv, I'll do it for you.' He took it to where it was locked outside our house, and chopped the bike off for her. I can go to the same tool hire place tomorrow, flutter my eyelashes, and see if he can do the same thing for me. They can plug it in at the pub - the landlady was really helpful. But how do I prove the bike is mine? Could I not just be a really good con artist? Hm. Maybe I could show him the reciept. If I had it.
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posted
Horrid story London - I hope that the fuckstick police don't end up charging you with vandalism and/or theft when you do decide to retrieve your property.
I survived a wallet-theft attempt in the same part of London while boarding a bus afew weeks back... I was turning round to put my travelcard back in my wallet (silly, I know - I should have kept it separate in a pocket) when some c**t in a hooded top attempted to slap my wallet out of my hands. It fell to the floor, but thankfully behind me. Rather than give up, the thief tried to reach out and fell to the floor, and I instinctively swung a size nine in his general direction.
There was too much red mist for me to see what his face looked like as he retreated away from the closing doors. Fucker.
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posted
My bike was pinched a while back, secured by a D-lock. If the D-lock is around a single frame post of the bike and something like a steel railing/lamp-post/parking meter you can pick the whole bike up and rotate it through 360 degrees, this will twist the D-lock off like a paper-clip, apparently.
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I have an angle grinder, with a new 'Lock Cutting Disc' (well metal cutting, but yer know). It makes manly noises whilst shooting pretty sparks everywhere, and i'm sure it would make mince meat out of your lock. Trouble is, when i use it, i like to cut other things too, so run, run away.
quote:Originally posted by RickJ: I was turning round to put my travelcard back in my wallet (silly, I know - I should have kept it separate in a pocket) when some c**t in a hooded top attempted to slap my wallet out of my hands.
There was too much red mist for me to see what his face looked like as he retreated away from the closing doors. Fucker.
Damn. How frustrating not to know for sure, eh?
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quote: do the fire brigade really come to rescue cats in trees?
i thought that only happened in the beano!
does this make abby a little old lady?
They really do, but you have to go via the RSPCA, and claim that the cat has been there for 24 hours. She was up there all night in the rain, which brought it to about 12 hours so we figured that was near enough to 24 and lied.
I think they quite enjoy it really, has to be better than running about in burning buildings lugging charred corpses about.
One thing that doesn't work for getting cats out of trees is standing underneath holding a blanket out like a trampoline, and saying come on...jump...jump!
It was my housemate's cat though, so I think I am excused from old ladyness, though I did spend quite a while afterwards with the cat wrapped in a blanket feeding her prawns.
quote:Originally posted by Abby: She was up there all night in the rain, which brought it to about 12 hours so we figured that was near enough to 24 and lied.
I think they quite enjoy it really, has to be better than running about in burning buildings lugging charred corpses about.
I'm sure the families of the charred corpses' wouldn't mind...
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quote:Originally posted by doc d: see dang? cycling isn't that cool now is it?
No, you're right. I'm thinking of giving up cycling now, just in case something like this happens to me one day.
Just to balance things up a bit though: Part of my cycle ride in to work is along a weeny, narrow country lane. Cars, as is their wont, speed down there like it was the Cresta Run or something. I've lost count of the number of times I've thought, "reckon I'll see him wedged into a hedge just round the corner". But this morning... came round the corner and there was a BMW 3 Series and a Mercedes SLK lovingly embracing each other in a crumpled metal cuddle. Looked like they'd collided at some speed actually. I nearly stopped to ask if everyone was OK and offer to take some photos as I carry a digital camera round with me... but I thought it best to keep my nose out of it. The occupants seemed to be alright anyway, but fuck, is that going to cost a few quid to sort out.
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quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: I bet you rode casually past looking so smug...
You'd think so, but I wasn't actually thinking that, I was thinking about how much it's going to cost them to fix it. Even if the insurance covers the bulk of it, the premiums shoot up as soon as you have any sort of accident. Mind you, if you already own and run a Mercedes SLK then I don't suppose a few extra quid on the insurance payments is an issue.
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posted
As a pleasing coda to this story, this morning, I locked my bike (which was freed thanks to a locksmith with an anglegrinder) to a different pole in Dalston, and emerged from the shop five minutes later to find that I had somehow LOST BOTH COPIES OF MY NEW BIKE LOCK KEYS SOMEWHERE IN THE SHOP! Hahaha! So now the bike is once again locked to a pole in Dalston with no way of getting it off! Ahahaha! Hahaha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That's so funny! What a great cosmic joke, hahahahahahahaaaaaaa*PUNCHESSELFINFACEUNTILDIES*
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