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Our very own Ian Not frequently posits that the key to turning one's life unshit is this: buy pants. Today we are going to put Ian's theory to the test. We are going to do this via empirical scientific experiment. I, Fionnula the Cooler, am going to spend one hundred Great British Pounds on great unshittish pants, and we, the forum, are going to discover whether my life, as it problematically stands, becomes solved.
HYPOTHESIS: Buying new pairs of pants will unshit Fionnula the Cooler's categorically shit life.
SCIENTIFIC PROCESS: Forum members will suggest to Fionnula the Cooler which pants to buy. Fionnula the Cooler will consider all suggestions, then spend £100 on pants of his choosing. Once his chosen pants are delivered, Fionnula the Cooler will wear them, live some life, sit around in pants, ruminate, then decide whether his life has improved onehundredfold.
APPARATUS: Five £20 notes Several pairs of brand new pants One shit life
OK NOW BEGIN.
Here, from myself to myself, is suggestion #1: The Lo No Show Army Trunk 1023 by American pants manufacturer C-IN2. C what they did there? No, me neither. Who cares, though, when they produce what, to my eyes, at least, are hotpants for men? They have a similar pair for $2 more which has inside its crotch-pouch this little adjustable band of fabric (i.e. a COTTON COCK-RING) which ups and outs your cock to make it look mahoosive and grabbable. But really. Pins and needles in my cock all day? No thanks. Anyway. Hotpants. Hotpants good. Hotpants want. These C-in2 hotpants are just under £8 courtesy of George W Bush and his awesome dollar-equals-pound economy. Cheap pants, you say? GEORGE BUSH FOR FOUR MORE YEARS! I say.
Suggestion #2: Vroom vroom retro '70s pants by Ginch Gonch. These pants mean I want it fast, hard and dangerous. But these pants also mean I don't do bareback because it gives you the AIDS. You can tell that's what these pants mean because the motorcyclists are wearing helmets to protect themselves. Yes, those are motorbikes. On these pants. Motorbikes. On pants. What more is there to say?
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posted
The Goldeneye Vesuvio are a fine pants for any man after a secret servicing. Presumably, these undercrackers are to be worn only once, when they are sprayed on at Goldeneye's headquarters in New Orleans. For only fifteen ninety of your euros, your golden gun can be hoisted tight against your pubis, so that even under direct scruntiny will remain undetected for the duration of the cocktail party. Your manhood will remain shaken, but not unstirred as the micropolyester material allows the flesh to breath rather than asphyxiate under high pressured vacumn packed latex pants. Should you need to take them off, we advise having your partner strap you to a metal table and aim a laser at you. "Do you expect me to talk?"
"No Fionnula, I expect you to have a bloody good bottom bonk"
Hooray.
Conversion: 15.90yourows = £10.70
These pants provide the following properties: Flight, Tight hip bones, The Ocharina, Greek Mythology, A dick shaped like a dogs turd
Conversion: $23.95 = £12.09
Total pant expenditure: £22.79 - a rather extravagant 1/5 of your cash. You might want to consider a pair of these to be your main christmas present.
[ 03.12.2006, 20:14: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
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Boxers are a bit rubbish though aren't they? They always seem to be like ridiculous balloon shapes That contort, twist your bollocks and flap around like a parachute.
Note: always be cautious of 100% cotton mighty whitey tighties. They look like a nappy within 2.3 hours.
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i cannot square 'having a shit life' with 'having £100 to spend solely on pants'. i think fionnula's membership of the Shit Life Club needs to be reassessed, and will say as much at the next AGM. which will by the way take place at 20.30 next friday evening round my house, and if noone turns up AGAIN then i am WINDING THE SHIT LIFE CLUB UP BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ALL LIED ON YOUR APPLICATION FORMS.
-------------------- evil is boring: cheerful power Posts: 1655
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To be fair, if you were depressed and your last ditch attepmt at making things better was a spending spree on your pants, the best thing you could do is ping yourself in the eyeballs with the knicker elastic.
not...
You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over
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Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you are wearing the right pants, you will be successful.
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I bought a whole load of new pants the other day but just rammed them straight into the drawer with the old ones. I'll fold them tonight and get rid of any old pairs that need chucking out... and then get back to you on whether I feel any better.
fwiw, I don't reckon pants that keep your ballsac so close to your body are all that healthy. You have to let those babies swing low and cool, surely?
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Also: I was thinking about tv the other day, and how much time the average person spends watching it. If, by the age of 32 you've spent 24 years of your life (ie. from about age 8 upwards) watching an average of one to two hours of tv a day, that's, like, one to two fucking years of your life spent watching tv. That's fucking crazy!
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quote:Originally posted by ben: Also: I was thinking about tv the other day, and how much time the average person spends watching it. If, by the age of 32 you've spent 24 years of your life (ie. from about age 8 upwards) watching an average of one to two hours of tv a day, that's, like, one to two fucking years of your life spent watching tv. That's fucking crazy!
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Going on five years. Don't get me wrong, I still watch movies and such from time to time, but for the most part I'm tv-free.
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Oh, I don't really have AIDS. It's a funny picture from the internet that's meant to convey the alienation that Ralph must feel when he admits he doesn't have a television! Sorry you got confused though.
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Oh thank God! To be honest, I did think it a little odd that you hadn't started a new thread to make that announcement.
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Well the forum is so lively at the moment that superfluous threads would just clutter it up. I would hate to do that to this board. So many voices clamouring to be heard; so thrilling; so vivacious. And yours the loveliest of them all.
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