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JESUS..9:05 things are already slow in the office. What wonders would brighten up your day?
We don't have a suggestion box here so I am unable to request a Ravi Shankalike sitar wizard permanently on the roof. Had'nt thought much on his survival, just that he be ready at all times to lay down some phat frenzied sitar on request. An urchin (sea or child) to make tea, toast crumpets, polish coins etc. The Can Can performed every day at around 3pm..........HedgeHog racing?
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I think we should actually be encouraged to take pot-shots at the crack-heads that congregate in the alley between our 'office' and the back of the Quik-Save next door...
Rather than just tacitly allowed like we are now...
You want to see them run when you 'Wash out your coffee cup' and swill boiling water over the wall...
Mind you, saying that, they do get their own back by throwing full sharps boxes over the wall at us... Biological warfare that is... Shouldn't be allowed
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I suppose my work fantasy would have to revolve around that most colourless of fancies - a wave of creative energy. I'm working from home, so any of the traditional work fantasies are pretty much available to me anyway. Sex is off the menu, of course, unless I want to cheat on my girlfriend (who is at 'grown up' work) and lets face it, gone are the days when I could pick up the phone and conjure up a casual lover like an RAC man.
Other than actual sex with an actual person, though, I have pretty much everything to hand: wank, whiskey, a world wide web full of porn (and a wireless router to beam it to the bedroom, where no line manager can interrupt me - except looking foxy/feeling horny in my imagination).
OK, so I'm lacking the hate figures that feature in good office fantasies - Sue the Bitch, her face screwed up like a Pekinese, yapping into my hungover face "Have you run out of razors?", looking for all the world like she's going to cock her little stockinged leg and wee all over the claims manual; Richard Burns resting that pie-truck of a stomach on the edge of my desk to lighten the load on his obese voice box, that he might deliver yet another tedious anecdote about when he were at Yorkshire Television. They're not here. I've no one to hate.
I've no one to love either - no one to fuel that office fantasy. Everywhere I've ever worked, with the exception of that building site on Felixstowe Dock Extension (sinewy male block-pavers, whose souls vacated their eyes long ago to make way for dreams of 'brown' and government funded 'jellies'), there's been at least one person to feature in the dirty daydreams which pass away the hours. First day, first glance it sometimes seems like there isn't such a character, but as time passes, the lenses of tedium soon prove as powerful as any rose-tinted spectacles or late night beer goggles. Pretty soon you'll find a fantasy figure to be dropped into various dreamy scenarios and imaginary physical positions, like your own dirty action figure - playmobile karma sutra.
So, yeah, my fantasy is hobbled by the lack of human company. Beyond that limitation, I can do what I like. The result is, I don't want fantasies and treats and distractions and fun, I want a huge wave of creative energy to make me feel I've actually achieved something. I got more work done during two days last week than I have in a month. I was surfing a tsunami of energy and I felt great for it. Yesterday, however, and despite the fact that, as procrastination tools go, TMO was about as much fun as the runs, I achieved next to nothing. I dicked around hoping the boards would come alive, rather than do any actual work. So, yeah, my work fantasy? The thing that would brighten up my working day? Loads and loads of lovely lovely work.
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My work fantasy is that maybe the office is attacked and then everyone is killed apart from me because I was hiding in an air-vent or something (not sure why - may need to re-think that bit). And anyway, everyone is killed apart from Sarah and Kate who are taken up to the top floor and tieed up with their own knickers, and I have to rescue them using kung fu and guns. Fairly standard stuff, if you've never really matured beyond the age of 14.
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This morning I had to transport some genetically modified materials from the South Kensington Campus to my lab. Due to the nature of these materials I wasn’t allowed to go on public transport so I got to hail a cab. An actual black cab! With actual standing by the road and waving! This kind of excitement leads to daydreams of top secret emergency projects...the cure for The Plague being rushed across town to some orphans perhaps? Or maybe to a secret bunker deep under the city...
Also as I walked past the engineering building I imagined stopping in for tea and cake with VP.
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posted
I haven't had any work for three weeks. Except stuff I should have done ages ago, but have been procrastinating over. So in fact it is work itself that remains a fantasy. I have even resorted to phoning employment agencies, with the fantasy of a fulfilling six-month contract being in charge of stuff but more likely to result in further soul-destroying drudgery. How did it come to this?
Still, I have become an expert in relocating to the country, finding a bargain at car boot sales, and being a hateful chav, thanks to daytimeTV.
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I had a job interview today. It was good. They offered me a 'competitive package' which, if I take, would allow me live independently. Which is all well and good but I quite like my current job. Only they won't ever match the salary of the new place and staying here means I have to live with my parents indefinitely. But staying here also probably has better long term prospects. Its a tough call to make.
So I'd like a magic eight ball which is always 100% accurate to help me choose.
Alternatively, the boss could be reading this and just give me the sack.
posted
Squeegy - moving out of your parents' home should be enough to take the new job. I reckon the only hesitancy you're feeling is just fear of being independent and moving out of the cosy lifestyle. Just do it.
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violence was my standard fantasy. Being told to do something that I knew was either stupid or pointless would cause my rage glands to start pumping, but obviously being a temp, I'm never in a position to argue. I'd casually and calmy walk back to my desk, trying to keep my balance and normalise the pressure in my ears by swallowing. Once seated I'd feel something in my chest.. It felt like a magic spell was pulsing in my heart, making my limbs light and powerful. So, then open up whatever application was required and try and get on with the stupid job, but all it would take would be to see my boss looking a bit gormless, and I would disappear into a high speed tunnel, popping out into a world where my actions no longer had consequences.
Usually I'd stand up and walk over to him, and then punch him on the side of the head, knock him down, and keep hitting him, over and over, full in the face, until I was just punching the floor through a loose mash of brain and blood.
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Squeegy - moving out of your parents' home should be enough to take the new job. I reckon the only hesitancy you're feeling is just fear of being independent and moving out of the cosy lifestyle. Just do it.
Yeah, you're right of course. Thing is that my current job has more chance of getting me a job outside of Buttfuckswana. You should see the expats that have spent their whole life here. It's some scary shit man.
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: until I was just punching the floor through a loose mash of brain and blood.
That's a lot more difficult than you'd think dude... the trick is to go through the sphenoid section. i.e. turn the head sideways before you start punching and aim about half an inch above the zygomatic arch (think.. temple.. You won't go far wrong)
And a full-hand knuckle duster should really be employed, 'cos if you get it wrong when you're mid flail... that's your metacarpals seperating and disappearing up next to your scaphoid
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quote:Originally posted by Abby: Also as I walked past the engineering building I imagined stopping in for tea and cake with VP.
Hah, you wouldn't have been able to catch me this morning, because I was late for work due to being in bed. With a boy.
My Valentines included a date to watch the footie, a Red victory instead of a red rose, a lovely dream about Steven Gerrard, a right good seeing to first thing this morning and a late tube ride into work with a big smug smirk on my face.
Being a slag is great.
So current work fantasies involve more rudeness with aforementioned boy.
-------------------- What I object to is the colour of some of these wheelie bins and where they are left, in some areas outside all week in the front garden. Posts: 4941
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posted
I did send someone this in an email just last week:
quote:I'd probably stalk the corridors of the offices, AK-47 in hand, spraying hot leaden death randomly at panicking tear-streaked colleagues whilst the smoking ejected cases tinkle musically about my Godlike feet.
I'm fairly sure that the recipient thought I was joking.
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Forgot to mention that I didn't bother shaving my legs last night, as I thought I was going to be a good girl. In your face Gillette Venus!
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posted
ha ha the page they are off seems to be those £1.50 texts you see flashing up on babestation.
quote: 2004-04-05 20:33:58 tony: Dirty Slag crouch down & pretend 2 pee while rubbing your hairy minge 2004-04-05 20:34:02 Guest9605: Oh girls pls cud u show me ur boobs? 2004-04-05 20:34:04 Guest9604: I love all you girls to night.go on give me something good to night.lots off love from Ryan connor.xXx 2004-04-05 20:41:57 Guest9462: spit or swalow faye from salford si 2004-04-05 20:42:05 Guest8326: HI COULD THE BABE WITH THE GLASSES JUMP UP N DOWN 4 ME!X 2004-04-05 20:42:09 Big18: Cud girl wi faye do a front wedgy and juggle er boobs and say oh joni 2004-04-05 20:43:19 Guest7503: HI FAYE PLEASE CAN U RUB UR BOOBS AND SAY LUKE U TURN ME ON I THINK UR SO SEXY 2004-04-05 20:43:23 Guest924: HAVE U 2 EVAR PEET OUT DORS OR PEET UR PANTS DAVID I PEET MI PANTS IN A TAXA 2004-04-05 20:43:26 Guest8737: Hey u 2 sexy girls, hows about giving each other a front wedgie, for anyone else watching from plymouth. 2004-04-05 20:47:24 Guest9608: Can u say i luv the gibbon 2004-04-05 20:47:27 Guest9605: Oh u in da white i luv u im starting a fan club!do something to make me horny again,pls?i wish i was there wid u! 2004-04-05 20:47:34 Guest9609: Hey girls can 1 of u lik the othas inner thy plz luv hana xx 2004-04-05 20:47:38 Guest9610: Lick each others minge 4rm jack 2004-04-05 20:47:41 Guest9333: Hi girls can the one in the white rub her bear boobs while i flute solo shying i want to shag u steve 2004-04-05 20:48:27 Guest9462: faye wil u be in manchester if so wud u like 2 hook up from si .don dong. 2004-04-05 20:48:40 Guest9611: CAN U GET UR BOOBS OUT PLS KELLY XXX 2004-04-05 20:48:51 Guest9613: Hi faye u look so great tonight pls show me ur globes from quincy 2004-04-05 20:48:55 Guest8490: Hello sexy ladies any chance of sum sexy mudwrestling one nite b4 eleven o cock? 2004-04-05 20:48:58 Big18: Girl wi faye name? Cud she play wi a cucumber as good as u faye 2004-04-05 20:49:02 Guest7331: Got my sisters knickers on and need a wee badly,wot do i do?naughty paul 2004-04-05 20:49:21 Guest9614: Will you kick 4 eyes niple dildo dood 2004-04-05 20:49:26 Guest9615: Do u wunt to hump all night 2004-04-05 20:50:45 Guest9616: Can you show me yourbum please 2004-04-05 20:51:16 Guest9617: Paul sheldon is fat 2004-04-05 20:51:37 Guest7503: FAYE IM SO HORNY CAN U RUB URSELF AND SAY LUKE U TURN ME ON 2004-04-05 20:51:41 Guest550: Faye, what is the hardest u have been punished, was it good? 2004-04-05 20:51:44 Guest9618: Hey faye can we see a close up front wedgie like the other one 2004-04-05 20:53:11 Guest9619: Do you girls like it up your bum steve 2004-04-05 20:53:47 Guest9620: Hi girls you look stunning. Please could you get your boobs out for nick 2004-04-05 20:53:53 Guest3839: im dressed in my stockings do u like wearing them love paul xxxx 2004-04-05 20:54:06 Guest9621: Could you both lick each other out 2004-04-05 20:54:58 Guest7331: Just pissing in them now,my sis is in the nxt room,hope she doesnt catch me.wot do i do nxt?paul 2004-04-05 20:55:47 Guest8316: Will you snog one another and rub ur wet pussys ps u both look stuning from RYAN 2004-04-05 20:57:03 Guest9616: Can you kiss each other 2004-04-05 20:57:06 Guest9622: girl in charge can u get your globes out and rub them tanya 2004-04-05 20:57:10 Guest9623: Can yous kiss using tounges 2004-04-05 20:57:15 Guest9624: Kellie anne can u do a front wedgie like faye please 2004-04-05 20:57:29 Guest1073: Hi faye. How are u? Great 2 c u again. Love tim 2004-04-05 20:57:43 Guest9625: CAN YOU RUB EACH OTHER PUSSYS 2004-04-05 20:58:06 Guest9604: You two girls are beter looken then play boy girls.lots off love and kisses from Ryan Auchterlonie 2004-04-05 20:59:26 Guest9628: Hey hot stuff why dont u sing lets stay 2gether wiv ure boobs out 4 big fat row the baker' 2004-04-05 21:00:59 Guest9629: shove that dildo up your love socket please i want some action big up to tom j and me ryan the great one 2004-04-05 21:02:13 Guest9630: Show US some badger from steve jay and matt 2004-04-05 21:02:22 Guest9633: please do 69 and pretend 2 lick eachothers clits. thanx. xxx 2004-04-05 21:09:06 Guest8490: You dont hav to b naked to mudwrestle, i would like u to mudwrestle wearing tight white pvc catsuits. 2004-04-05 21:09:20 Guest1863: How is 7.5 INCHES FOR A PENIS 2004-04-05 21:09:55 Guest9632: Can u get ur boobs out for the lads and shout o meron! 2004-04-05 21:10:11 Thruster: Ive just tunned in and i am instantly hard,cheers girls' 2004-04-05 21:10:14 Guest9613: Hi girls can we see pussys quincy 2004-04-05 21:10:35 Guest8575: I bet u 2 give great tit wanks id luv 2 sample one luv rob. 2004-04-05 21:10:54 Guest9634: SHAG me 2004-04-05 21:11:09 Guest9598: il b ur cleaner, as long as i can clean ur dirty panties? luv Dunc ps. with my tongue! 2004-04-05 21:12:08 Guest1073: Faye your website is fooking fantastic. Love it . Love tim 2004-04-05 21:13:31 Big_Harry: Can't wait till 11 I'm Loving It Harry 2004-04-05 21:14:22 Guest8404: Hi Its Ronald McDonald stop nicking my catchphrase 2004-04-05 21:14:28 Bootlicker: Hi faye ur so horny,cud u pretend 2 smoke 4 me,if not fake an orgasm moanin my name steve. 2004-04-05 21:14:49 Guest9635: I love you faye rub your vanny for trevor . 2004-04-05 21:14:55 Thruster: Faye,u r unbelievable,my ultimate fantasy' 2004-04-05 21:14:58 Guest9637: can u finger eachother now luv sarah 2004-04-05 21:15:01 Guest9638: plese show us ur front-bottom u sexy women 2004-04-05 21:15:14 Guest9631: Show your front-bottom 2004-04-05 21:15:27 Andy: Faye can kelly blow up a balloon between ur kegs till it pops luv ya andy.x x x 2004-04-05 21:15:33 Guest9639: Faye please rub ur honey pot 2004-04-05 21:15:36 Guest9640: Can u gals lic each other boobs wile finger in each other 2004-04-05 21:15:39 Guest9636: Pretend 1 of u is doing the other with a strapon 2004-04-05 21:16:11 Guest9641: Regpinache. Get ur pussies out. The shanklin and sandown crew want to see ur muff and nice solid nips. Love ur biggest wankin mean machine. Piche. 2004-04-05 21:17:34 Guest9652: Q. Whats the speed 4r sex. A. 68 because at 69 u have 2 turn round. 2004-04-05 21:17:38 Guest9653: what would you say if i asked you to hump me 2004-04-05 21:17:44 benjobigballs: Tv faye take ur niks of but leave skirt on 2004-04-05 21:17:47 Guest2329: FAYE DO U STIL HAVE GANG BANGS CAN I CUM XXX OVER U 2004-04-05 21:17:53 Dirty: FAYE... I SHOWED MY WIFE 1 OF YA VIDS AND NOW SHE HAS A FANTASY OF BEING COVERED IN CUM....SHOULD I LET HER ''' 2004-04-05 21:18:10 Guest1073: Faye. The website u share with another girl. Love tim 2004-04-05 21:18:18 Guest9623: Can yous kiss using tounges please alan 2004-04-05 21:19:05 Guest9627: Who.has.biggest.thighs 2004-04-05 21:19:52 Guest8404: Faye favourite position and porn film? 2004-04-05 21:19:55 Guest9595: i love ur boobs 2004-04-05 21:19:58 Guest9654: Can u put ur hand inside ur nickers and rub urself. Billy Baker. 2004-04-05 21:20:51 Guest8404: Kelly Anne whats your dream man and what would you do with him?
posted
I recently fulfilled a particular work fantasy of mine. Basically, having reached 'final straw' stage, I handed in my notice saying that being responsible for two posts instead of the one I was employed to do and having to run around the half of England that has therefore become my 'patch' had become an impossible task to meet without going insane and killing someone (person most likely to be killed = my useless, lazy, rude cow of an assistant). It may sound like a reckless, foolhardy thing to do - epsecially as I don't yet have another job to go to - but the sudden loss of weight from my shoulders has been tremendous.
My current 'work' fantasy revolves around the interview I'm going to tomorrow. In my fantasy, I swish into the interview room and impress the hair off the interview panel as an eye blindingly intelligent, charming, informed and well researched candidate.
Sadly, the reality is more likely to be that the interview panel won't be able to understand my wheezing rasps as my voice still hasn't returned; they'll be distracted by my interview suit being a size too big (wondering whether it belongs to my mum or something); they'll deduct after precisely 30 seconds that my pre-interview preparation consisted of being bored by the literature they sent to me and reading my daughter's copy of Heat.
Maybe I should start a thread entitled "Interviews - How Not To Suck At Them - Top Tips Required."
-------------------- They give you a pen as fat as a modest cock and you're expected to dab it on the page, as though you were mopping the dregs of an afternoon Tommy. Posts: 1847
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quote:Originally posted by Doctor Agamemnon When: bear boobs
grrrr
Good luck in the interview Sindey. Just imagine the panel hungrily licking a flippy-flap salmon they have trapped between their bear boobs for an interview snack.
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Thank you, Jonesy! I will do that, although I may laugh inappropriately at times. Hopefully, this will lead the panel to think that I am just a jolly sort of person.
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Some 'bigwigs' just came into the office. You can tell when someone is or thinks they are important by asking questions about your work. 'What are these? Do they need to be filed?' but actually addressing a large stack of folders in the corner. 'What are you printing these top sheets out for? Take a notepad and write down the numbers off the system' so like the violent fantasies above, I just wanted to stick my pen in her eye and say 'do something useful!'
As it is they stood around for a bit, watching an IT guy fix the printers. I think it's a bit of a cheek to suggest we are wasting paper when in fact I've found a lot of departments I've been working for recently don't supply pens. Or notepad paper. To the point when someone gets moved to tears if you use theirs. So these managers supervised the IT technician in fixing the printers by repeating what they had been told by my immediate supervisor. They probably got paid at least four trees in that time.
I hate most managers. They are usually too fucking cocksure for their own abilities.
[ 15.02.2006, 10:03: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
posted
I have a work isssssue. I am spending today applying for multiple jobs, but as I write each email or letter I'm aware of something within preventing me selling myself to my full potential, or 'lying my arse off like every other fucker who's going for the job'. Even though I know that everyone lies to get their job, which is why most people I work for are clueless twats, there's some annoying inner pursed-lipped presbytarian preventing me from conjuring the application letter from heaven.
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I've just remembered, I picked up the phone and said 'Good Afternoon, Medical Records' and afterwards she said 'by the way, it's Health Records, not Medical records' in such a way that I actually felt slightly enraged simply...... simply because of the tone of her voice being one octave more killworthy than any request made of me this week. No manager in the NHS can talk nicely. There's this one girl who isn't even my manager and when I walked past her in the corridor on the way out of the building, she said 'thanks' and I couldn't work out what the fuck she meant. Like what? Thanks for showing up to work when most others don't? Thanks for being you? I realised afterwards she was doing that patronising 'thanks for all your hard effort today' line spurled out by tinpot office dictators to make their workforce feel appreciated. Fuck you office dolly and your lack of basic interaction skills skills! Fuck you right in the tits!
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grrrr
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