posted
We know what we don't want, right? We don't want what's on at the moment. Any of it. Except for a couple of things. But what do we want on the telly? I mean, they can make anything now, so what should they make?
We've had this thread before I know, and it's always been rubbish before, but you never know...
Possible Fernsehengutwache
There's still a mystery about how early humans managed to spread all over the planet in such a short time. We're supposed to have originated in Africa, and then suddenly we were all over the bloody place, and there wasn't even Easyjet in those days.
I think we should get a team of people like Ray Mears and that bloke off of Tribe, along with some proper Africans, and put them in two teams and make one team try to get to Australia and the other get to North America, but only using Stone Age tools and clothes.
As it would be an important anthropological experiment, they would be given special United Nations dispensation to kill anything and anyone that got in the way or that they wanted to eat. Including the film crew. And no one would be allowed to help them, like giving them sandwiches or anything. You'd only be allowed to grunt and go, "Ug, ug ug ug," and point vaguely at the Moon or something.
Actually, early humans were quite funny. Apparently they had the mental age of a four year old and there's a mystery about a site in Kenya which was used for thousands of years to make tools which were basically useless - like axe heads which would break if you actually hit anything with them.
I was watching my 5 year old the other day as he made some Harry Potter broomsticks using Magnetix. He made about twenty of them. That was a bit like looking back in time to a load of 5-year-old-brained cavemen spending thousands of years basically playing. Man, we've forgotten how to play haven't we.
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quote:Originally posted by dang65: We've had this thread before I know, and it's always been rubbish before, but you never know...
quote:Originally posted by dang65: a site in Kenya which was used for thousands of years to make tools which were basically useless - like axe heads which would break if you actually hit anything with them.
posted
That post has really tickled me. What an idea. I like it.
Would you translate Fernsehengutwache for me please?
I don't think I am creative enough to commission things for TV. I like that Edge of Existence thing that's on at the moment. Your proposal made me think of it.
I wonder though if we can only watch our serious stuff if it is presented as a 'realty' TV show with presenters trying stuff out. What happened to documentaries that just look at stuff? How long will it be before Attenborough is asked to dress up as a Perm Whale and live the life?
Mot mocking, honest! It does help us understand if we can see it through the eyes of someone actually experiencing and it is quite legitimate that the person should sometimes be a modern westerner like ourselves.
I can say what I like to watch. Should I be trying to think of great TV ideas though?
I am being too serious today, aren't I? I might have to go away and watch some day-time TV for a while until I get over it.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
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quote:Originally posted by dang65: I think we should get a team of people like Ray Mears and that bloke off of Tribe, along with some proper Africans, and put them in two teams and make one team try to get to Australia and the other get to North America, but only using Stone Age tools and clothes.
I like the idea but you should use real 5-year-olds. Or mentals.
quote:Originally posted by sam: Would you translate Fernsehengutwache for me please?
It's intended to mean television-good-watch, but probably doesn't. Incidentally, fernsehen literally means "far see", and so does television. Weird.
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quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: I like the idea but you should use real 5-year-olds. Or mentals.
Now you're talking. I'll amend the proposal.
* gets crayons out *
Edit: Actually, I think the ones that came out of Africa were Homo Sapiens, who presumably had had enough of pratting about like stupid kids and wanted to get out and cause some proper trouble.
posted
When I think back to the defining moments of my generations television viewing, I tend to remember the advancements in understanding difference, the removal of barriers between different races, classes, religions. There were great moments, John's Not Mad, and the Blue Peter appeal for Joey Decon's new house, for example - all moving us forward towards a greater acceptence of those around us that are different.
Conclusion; all television should contain downies or the like.
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posted
My channel Humilivision One would broadcast...
If I were in charge, right? Self-aggrandising media twats placed in an immersive simulation of what it would be like if they were Prime Minister of Britain, with every one of their decisions - good and bad - generating innumerable unintended consequences, as well as the odd, completely unforseen thing leaping out of the headlines to face-fuck them every so often.
Ideally, by twenty minutes into episode 2, Prime Minister Richard Littlejohn would be hiding under the prime misterial desk, weeping and rocking with a revolver placed in his mouth.
Thick as Pigshit Basically the sequence from Celebrity Love Island where the jet-setting contestants revealed their complete ignorance about where any of the many glamorous places they'd been to actually are (ie. the blonde model who thought Portugal was in Africa) - but stretched over an hour, with a baying audience that leaves the hapless contestant in no doubt as to whether utter incuriosity about the world around them is something to be proud or ashamed of.
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posted
I'd like an advert during the second show where Victoria 'I've never read a book' Beckham is beaten to death by people using hard back copies of whatever books she claims that she wrote.
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posted
The only thing I'd really want to see on TV is footage of various commentators analysing things I'd said and done all day, and talking about how good and profound and successful I had been in those activities. So you know, imagine Martin Bashir saying to a guest something like "So, we saw that Nathan was absent mindedly bobbing his head and tapping his foot to music on his headphones while waiting for his train at Didcot today, what do you make of that?" and the guest would be like, "Well, you know, it's another one of those moments where you realise Nathan is born with the charisma of a natural rock star. He's there contemplating such things that we might never understand with that vast intellect of his, but he's also keyed into his music standing out there and just using it as another opportunity to look fucking cool."
That kind of thing, but like, all the time. And only good things. Nothing disparaging.
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
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posted
I don't know. The more I think about it, the more it seems that all I really want from TV is to see grainy video footage of certain people in public life being beaten to death outside a nightclub in, say, Wantage - or maybe Dereham.
So. Thanks for holding a mirror up to my soul, Dang. Thanks.
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posted
Definitely more programmes about big cats. Animal Park, plus the occasional repeat on the National Geographic channels just don't fulfill my appetite.
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: I think we need more Two Pints of Lager and a Packet Crisps on BBC Three.
If they intercut it with footage of the nazi's at war, made Keneth Branagh do his best Olivier impression and do a voice over... it might lift the ratings?
quote: originally posted by Misc: Definitely more programmes about big cats
Or if they let big cats free into the BB house?
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posted
If I was in charge of the BB house, I'd have a siren go off at some ungodly hour, have a mechanical voice start to shout something about a chemical leek, then make a big metalic noise happen, like the doors were being bolted shut, have a roof close over the contestants inside - then have the sound of bombs going off and people screaming and banging on the walls for a few hours - and then they'd lose all power and there would be absolute silence... And then let people watch them and see what they do from there.
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posted
TV can usually deliver for me these days. Girls of the Playboy Mansion works on almost every level, as do the serial killer programs on UK Crime and Investigation. Sexy, frightening, exploitative.
Also, Gems TV and Gems TV2. I can't watch Bid TV or Pricedrop TV anymore, but the gems ones offer new depths / heights of majestically overblown sales pitch.
I would like to see more stuff to do with films on TV though. More seasons, more film analysis and history and that kind of thing. Filmfour seems to have seasons that allow it show the same twenty films over and over again like "Brit Gangster Flicks" (sexy beast, long good friday, get carter) "Crime week" (sexy beast, long good friday, reservoir dogs) "Indie Brits" (sexy beast, my beautiful laundrette, touching the void) "cult classics" (sexy beast, reservoir dogs, donnie darko) "teen hits" (donnie darko, donnie darko, donnie darko). Movies24 has at least has pushed the boat out with it's strangely hypnotic new age female sex fantasy series "Tropics of Love".
So yeah, more and betterer films.
[ 12.06.2007, 10:21: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
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quote:Originally posted by Benny the Ball: ...screaming and banging on the walls for a few hours - and then they'd lose all power and there would be absolute silence... And then let people watch them and see what they do from there.
That would be fucking brilliant, as would faking an alien invasion. They're trapped in this closed environment, so it'd be dead easy to make them believe anything you wanted. Like that other reality show where they pretended to send a bunch of tards into space.
posted
I'd like to see a regular programme entitled Sports which are not Football, Rugby or Cricket. I think the content of the show would be fairly self explanatory. It wouldn't generally touch on Golf other than to cover the most superficial of scores of finals, that kind of thing.
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quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: Also, Gems TV and Gems TV2. I can't watch Bid TV or Pricedrop TV anymore, but the gems ones offer new depths / heights of majestically overblown sales pitch.
There are some great channels hidden a long way down the listings on Sky. The Community Channel, SUMO.tv and any of the GOD channels are perfect for killing a few [minutes|hours|branesells]
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posted
Sumo is a bit hit and miss though isn't it. Sometimes they have wonderfully camp films on there, sometimes they just play loads of shit videos off Youtube. Worth watching for the splendid Cyriak animations. They showed naked news on there a few weeks ago, but I haven't seen it listed since.
Naked news is a bit like Deal or No deal, but with wanking. With each news chick, you're thinking 'yeah she is hot, I'm pretty aroused by this' but in the back of your mind you're holding out because you know the next one might be even better. but you don't want to leave it too long or you might end up with the last news chick who might be a bit of a munter, and you'd have missed your opportunity. Wank or No Wank.
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posted
TV GO Home had the wanking russian roulette channel thing, in which hard core porn were interspersed with images to dis-arouse you - so old women with warts, fat men gardening, that sort of thing.
That made me think of that - but not in a 'PLAGARIST!' sort of way, more a 'well done, you've cracked a joke like Charlie Brooker would and everyone loves Charlie, don't they?' kind of way.
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quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Sam's world sounds horrific. I'd rather live in fucking bentopia.
I was being ironic.
At least i think I was trying to be.
Ben scares me a bit. I keep expecting him to tell me i am too thick to have opinions. I am sure he is a really really nice bloke and would never do that but he is sure as hell intimidating.
It is only because he always has an answer no matter how hard I try and think of a better reason and he never fails to give it, so it is not his fault that I feel thick. I am sure I am very very intelligent and awesome really, and he is just in another league.
In order to make myself feel better when I run out of things to say, as I know I always will, I think I will post a . This will tell ben that i have surrendered but before doing so I have stuck my tongue out at him. Then I will feel better.
I shall also run away very fast.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
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posted
I would like to see all sport stripped out of mainstream news on tv and radio - particularly as it's about two-thirds fuckball, ten per cent cricket (depending on whether "we" are doing well) and 20 per cent 'everything else'.
Sport, sportsmen and their dull, interminable doings are not fit fucking subjects for inclusion in national news for adults. Sorry if that upsets football fans, but it's a fact. Aside from the whole thing being unutterably trivial and, in any case, pretty much restricted to the activities of about half a dozen big teams that the vast majority of people don't support, must we endure the turd-brained ramblings of trillionaire fuckballers unable to articulate anything more complex than a dribble of one-to-two syllable cliches? And, seriously, does anyone anywhere need to hear anything ever again about the thoughts and activities of that miserable, red-faced gum-chewing prick who swears from the sidelines at every Man Utd game? Even if he - and only he - was banned from being mentioned across the airwaves from tomorrow, the mood of the entire country would lift measurably.
Sport should be relegated to a channel called Sport Shack which could show sport 24/7 without the rest of us - people who aren't dyed-in-the-armpit sports nerds - in peace.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
. This will tell ben that i have surrendered but before doing so I have stuck my tongue out at him. Then I will feel better. 
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