"I am more and more convinced that the participation of the father is one of the main reasons for long and difficult labours... a labouring woman needs to be protected against any stimulation of the thinking part of her brain - the neocortex - for labour to proceed with any degree of ease... A woman in labour needs to be in a private world where she doesn't have to think or talk.... the father's release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from relaxing.... It has been proven that it is physically impossible to be in a complete state of relaxation if there is an individual standing next to you who is tense and full of adrenaline... mammals cannot release oxytocin - the key hormone in childbirth - when they are also being influenced by the stressful effects of hormones of the adrenaline family."
Whoa. Dear people of this board, I would love you to read this article and let me know of your own experiences of the father being present at the birth. Was he a help / hindrance? Men, was it the most amazing experience of your life, or something you could totally have lived without seeing? Did seeing your partner in that kind of state affect your feelings towards her afterwards, in either a negative or a positive fashion?
Also: are we too politically correct now to dare to suggest that there are some realms of experience which might be better kept segregated along gender lines?
posted
I didn't pay too much attention to him tbh; I was being very busy. There was that tricky moment when he was holding me up during the second labour and dropped me......
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by London: Men, was it the most amazing experience of your life, or something you could totally have lived without seeing? Did seeing your partner in that kind of state affect your feelings towards her afterwards, in either a negative or a positive fashion?
It was the most amazing experience of my life. Seeing my partner in that state had a very positive affect on my feelings towards her.
It also looks like I'll be witnessing the beauty of birth once again, in December of this year.
Posts: 7436
| IP: Logged
posted
Seriously though; it was important for him to be there and I didn't care after the early stages (when his fussing did annoy me a bit) because, well, you are busy. They are OK if they don't fuss; but to this day I can still remember the tenderness and wonder in his voice when he told me he could see our daughter's head. (Although it was irritating how he grabbed my neck and tried to make me sit up and watch too!) You can't buy that special moment with your child and I am glad he had it.
My advise would be the mother has to have the final say, but if the fella wants to be there and she doesn't want him, perhaps he can sit and watch to one side until she gets really involved and stops thinking about him? Or just come in during the later stages when she is too busy to care? If she wants him and he hates it, he should stay for the screaming and walking around bit and leave when it gets messy, perhaps? I guarantee, if he standing outside when that baby cries, he'll want to dart in straight away; it's a magic sound that reaches straight to your heart.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Thanks. Hoping for a girl. Fourth times a charm, right?
I almost said I hope you have a girl, but then I thought I ought not to as boys are fine - I have one myself and he is pretty marvellous, and well, nature sometimes doens't do what we want it to. But it would be nice of you could have a girl.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by London: I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that.
...and generally I don't like to involve men in 'medical' things. I always ask for female doctors when registering at a new practice (even though I know that female doctors can be just as unsympathetic as males can be. Even though I know you don't need to have experienced a problem in order to fix it or empathise with the pain.) I had a female therapist after the miscarriage as well. I just feel more comfortable dealing only with women about certain matters. I think I'll feel more comfy with my sister there than with him there, even though I don't want to deny him the experience. Maybe he can wait outside and then come in straight after the delivery?
quote:Originally posted by London: I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that.
I have met fellas who didn't want to see their women like that, but I have never met one who went off her because he did. It can make them nervous about having sex again, but when you're ready for it, flash at him to reassure him it's all back to ground zero again, and he'll be fine.
Breastfeeding can be....
Woah! Should I be talking like this on tmo? Have you thought about handbag? Hundreds of mothers on there.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
posted
Yeah, I know. I've been looking at Mumsnet too. But TMO is my online home and has been for a bazillion years! I don't want to just give it up so the boys can talk about Grand Theft Auto, it isn't fair!
Posts: 6175
| IP: Logged
posted
Loads of people on here have kids. But I think because TMO has its roots in Seethru when we were all being fashionable nu meedja elite, somehow there's a tendency to not want to talk about such boring un-nu-meedja things as childbearing.
Posts: 6175
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by London: [QUOTE]I think I'll feel more comfy with my sister there than with him there, even though I don't want to deny him the experience. Maybe he can wait outside and then come in straight after the delivery?
You'd be surprised how many people don't want their partners there. The original quote about distractions had a point. So if you don't want him there all the time, having him outside makes sense so you can call him in at any moment if you change your mind (and send him out again if you want) - bearing in mind you'll be some hours and in quiet moments might want to talk to him.
Your sister can be there anyway and should be if you feel better about her being there; women usually want another woman they are close to. Her being there shouldn't affect what you also decide about the boyfriend. You need to check delivery room size and conditions I guess, to be sure. I know seeing the baby come out seems to be the best bit for them and maybe you won't mind him in then, when the time comes, but as I said before; that first cry and seeing the baby then, before it is cleaned up, is so, so wonderful.
If I was you, I'd speak to your midwife about what is possible first and then, the best thing to do is talk to him about it, and if you need to, go back to the midwife again.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by ralph: We *all* don't talk about Grand Theft Auto. Some of us even have kids.
When you speak like that ralph, your atavar so fits!
Sorry London, you are right, of course.
Breastfeeding was a bigger problem for me. My husband (not Mr Sam as it happens), so liked the look of my new , improved boobs, but I could not get my head around him wanting them when my darling child was being fed by them. Even now it makes me shudder.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
posted
LOL we are off today! I have worn myself out gallivanting the last two days and am lesson planning today (an inspection in a month eek).
I think I've put London off with my tale of breast-feeding. Not that I imagine there is much more to say about what I said. I must remember to call in and read this thread after work tomorrow; I'm interested in other parent's views.
Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by sam: Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.
It will be. We'll be trying another home birth (London -- have you considered this as an option) but if we do end up at the hospital again, at least this time we'll have health insurance.
Posts: 7436
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by sam: Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.
It will be. We'll be trying another home birth (London -- have you considered this as an option) but if we do end up at the hospital again, at least this time we'll have health insurance.
Good!
In the UK it is not considered clever to have the first birth at home and with it being free, I guess we don't have to.
I had my second at home and it was great, but there was no way I would have had my first at home: I was absolutely petrified! Bejesus, was I scared.
How easy is it now London to have a home birth in the UK? Do you know?
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
As for the question at hand, I was in the delivery room and involved (as much as possible considering it wasn't me doing the pushing) when our daughter was born - and in the next few days I'll be doing it all over again (assuming baby number two decides she wants to stop fooling with us and come out already; think of it as the world's youngest player of peek-a-boo, played with contractions), and I will be there, with a catcher's mitt on. So to speak.
-------------------- Give 'em .0139 fathoms and they'll take 80 chains. Posts: 3201
| IP: Logged
posted
I'm not in the UK, I'm in Sweden. They're not into home births here actually, though they have these centres in hospitals that you can go to if you're trying for a natural birth that are like homes from home, all private rooms and tubs and candles and stuff. But I want to have an epidural. Here all epidurals are 'moving epidurals' and I think there is not the tendency towards the whole cascade of intervention thing that you get in the UK and the US. Maybe if I have another kid I might try a home birth. But for now? I don't think so.
Have you seen The Business of Being Born btw? It's very interesting. Loved the bit when the midwife was having the horrible labour. I cried pretty much the whole way through. Not sure why. I cry when I think about birth (combination of fear and excitement) and about meeting the baby and whatever.
Posts: 6175
| IP: Logged
posted
I knew you were in Sweden, but somehow you are always in England when I actually think about you; which is odd.
I haven't seen the film, and it is a bit long for now, but I will watch it later.
I get all emotional about birth. When I had mine I cried myself stupid the first time I was truly left alone. I admit to not doing that immediately after the birth as I somehow felt just a bit tired and I remember looking into the face of the young obstetrician who had been holding my hand during the birth and seeing him crying and all I felt was curiosity. It seemed such a strange thing to be doing. (It was his first birth too.) Two nights later I was holding my son to feed him and I was all alone and it was very quiet and suddenly I burst into tears; he was so beautiful.
ETA: what a moving epidural? I had an epidural with my first but the moving thing - no.
[ 05.05.2008, 10:48: Message edited by: sam ]
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
posted
I can't imagine giving birth without froopy being there...nor can I imagine any other friend or family member in the room with me/us. I think I'd rather have no one if he wasn't there - and the idea of my husband and a relative both looking at my exposed gash together is just...yuck!
It was very nice to have him, especially after I got the epidural, as we could hang out and talk and doze together and watch daytime television. Though I had a very lazy labor - after six hours they woke me from a nap and asked if I was ready to push and I believe I said something like, "sure, why not."
This time we've been warned to expect a VERY fast labor, something under two hours probably, which pretty much leaves us time to drive to the hospital, register, jump on the bed and start pushing. He is the only person in the world I trust to look out for my best interests (as I've defined them), and in such a state of haste and craziness as we are expecting, I can't imagine not having him there to protect me.
As for nursing, the idea of boobs as both playthings and foodthings doesn't bother me, but when it comes down to it, I'll want to make sure things are sanitized between...so maybe froopy's snacks will have to be in the shower.
Posts: 687
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by London: Loads of people on here have kids. But I think because TMO has its roots in Seethru when we were all being fashionable nu meedja elite, somehow there's a tendency to not want to talk about such boring un-nu-meedja things as childbearing.
Perhaps one of us needs to set up a webcast of our birth. Set up a blog so people can coach us on what should happen next. Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.
-------------------- Give 'em .0139 fathoms and they'll take 80 chains. Posts: 3201
| IP: Logged
posted
Well, rooster, pleased you are that OK with froopy but the boobs things....no, still can't think of it without shuddering, though of course its a tradition celebrated in Literature - Grapes of Wrath for instance!
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by froopyscot: Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.
Hope you are not volunteering rooster to be the first!
-------------------- A day without laughter is a day wasted. In memory of Alastair Posts: 1936
| IP: Logged
posted
Not unless I can give her a laptop from which she can have a say, no!
midwife2041: Breathe, now push! webguy63221: you can totaly see up her skirt lol froops (moderator) bans webguy63221 rooster (moderator) changes camera view rooster (moderator): Am i done yet midwife2041: Okay now, almost there Baby32146 has joined the conversation Baby32146 cries
etc.
-------------------- Give 'em .0139 fathoms and they'll take 80 chains. Posts: 3201
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by froopyscot: Perhaps one of us needs to set up a webcast of our birth. Set up a blog so people can coach us on what should happen next. Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.
I think it is almost certainly inevitable that I will be microblogging the proceedings on Twitter...
Posts: 6175
| IP: Logged
posted
I saw my main role in the delivery room as a kind of decoy, distracting my wife from the truth: the twins were coming, like, way early and the whole thing was terrifying and life-threatening and shit.
An emergency caesarean meant it was all over in no time at all and without the hours of hand-holding screaming stuff you see on the telly. Instead, I just tried to make light of the situation and pretend it wasn't really happening by being 'funny'. Tough crowd, mind.
Fear seemed to be the overriding emotion in that room and, whilst our experience differs from most parents, I'd wager the delivery room is always a pretty scary place for a young lady squeezing out their first child.
I had no real desire to be at the birth, if I'm honest (I'm pretty squeamish), but always intended to because my wife willed it. Now, though, I think if it were me doing the pushing and grunting bit I'd want someone I knew and trusted there to hold my hand and generally share the fear. Whether that should be the father I don't know. But someone: Your mate, your own mother or just a familiar face – Des O'Connor would do.