...so, okay, right. In a fit of crazy sensible madness, all the world's governments decide to ban TV. And films. And video games. And even owning a television set. Computers at home might be banned as well. Not sure. TV as a concept is illegal, either way.
Except maybe the Marshall Islands, where there's one legal TV set, in a bar somewhere, showing darts and Flashdance on a running loop. Or something.
So. You can't slump down on your sofa after work and switch the telly on. Because you don't have a telly.
What would you do instead? Would it affect your life? How much? Do you think it could, potentially, have a positive effect? Would you just say, oh, ok, well, that's a pisser, but hey ho, fair enough.
Or would you go underground? Would you join a band of furtive resistance fighters, gathering in cellars to watch Countdown and maybe a nature documentary, bravely keeping the spirit of TV alive for the good of humanity.
Me? I think I'd probably, er, read more books, go for more walks, write more stuff (with actual pen and paper), do more cooking, talk to people more... all the usual, boring answers that you'll all give, probably, if you even bother answering, which you probably won't because it's such a rubbish notion.
God what a shit idea. Sorry.
eta: I haven't actually watched TV proper for ages, so I wouldn't be that bothered, really.
Also: making confectionery in the shape of stringed instruments. Discuss.
[ 10.07.2007, 09:54: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: So. You can't slump down on your sofa after work and switch the telly on. Because you don't have a telly.
What would you do instead? Would it affect your life? How much? Do you think it could, potentially, have a positive effect?
I haven't slumped down on my sofa after worked and switched on the telly for over five years. Mostly because, while I do have a telly to watch the occassional dvd, my current telly setup doesn't receive any programming...not even free stations due to my loaction and the simple fact that I don't have an antenae.
The overall effect on my life has been quite positive. I find that I have more time to play with the kids, to read, to take long hikes through the woods. I'm fitter than I've been at any point in my life too.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
This has actually just happened to me!. The living room is havign the floor sanded blah blah blah home improvement shit, so there's no TV or music. Spent yesterday evening in the loft putting together the Scalextric set I got when I was four. Only one of the cars still works, which is a bit of a shame. Also, I 'jammed' with Octavia using guitar (me) and - erm - recorder (her). I taught her 'Know Your Enemy', although it didn't sound quite right, on the recorder. RATM definitely knew what they were doing when they recorded it using drums, guitar and bass. Much better, yes.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I'd go to the pub.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Put on Radio 2 on headphones, recline in the leather chair, drink wine or beer.
Posted by SilverGinger5 (Member # 49) on :
I'd probably look at hardcore pornography and have a wank.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: I'd go to the pub.
That prompts another question I was just thinking of:
If alcohol was free, provided as a public service, maybe, would you drink more? Would you go mental getting pissed all the time? Or would you up consumption for a bit, wahey this is fun, and then settle down to moderate sensible drinking because, you know, too much is bad for you, all things in moderation, etc. And it wouldn't be such a big deal anyway because it was free, just like, er, I don't know, things that are free.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
are we talking about a tap in the bathroom that runs with warm diluted ethanol, or the council dropping off a hay-lined hamper of fine wines, rare malts, and import lager when they do the bins?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
because if it's the former, then I'd be drinking all the time.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Neither, really. My thought was more that you could go to the pub and just order drinks, for free. I'm not sure about booze in shops, because my idea was, sort of, to encourage people to socialise, and the best way to socialise, to interact with people, is to drink with them, in my flippant opinion.
Did anyone listen to Front Row on Radi o4 last night, with Leanord Cohen? That's not how you spell Leanord, is it. It looks wrong. Anyway, he was talking about his Japanese monk guru mate, who he does lots of quality spiritual drinking with, who recently celebrated his 100th birthday. Apparently him and Cohen were in a bar, having a good drink, when his monk buddy turned to him, raised his glass and said "my friend, I forgot to die". Made me smile.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
this thread would look way better in 1080p.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Leonard. That's it.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Whose idea was it to have mart start the thread that would save TMO? Seriously, who thought that would work?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
As an alternative to screen-related entertainment, this week I will be making a birthday cake in the shape of an electric guitar. Or going on a killing spree. Who knows?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: As an alternative to screen-related entertainment, this week I will be making a birthday cake in the shape of an electric guitar.
Make sure you model it on the Les Paul. Stratocaster cakes never look right.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
no, no, no. you should make a flying V or a rock-god double-necked one or something. or a ZZ-top one that bounces up and down on elastic or spins round on a waist mount.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
You should make a banjo cake. Then all you need is one sponge and a few Mars bars.
[ 10.07.2007, 09:14: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by Pepper (Member # 353) on :
Without tv I would garden obsessively and probably get more sleep.
If alcohol was free I would drink my liver into oblivion.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: You should make a banjo cake. Then all you need is one sponge and a few Mars bars
If only this were possible, but electric gutar it must be.
Maybe I will document the process for you all.
The first stage is to go and aquire ingredients on the way home. In addition to the obvious things such as flour, eggs etc I am hoping to get red, black and white roll-out icing, some kind of icing-piping pen for the strings (do these exist?) and some sweets for..err nobs and stuff.
I have already soaked the big cake dish in oven cleaner to get the remains of last month's sunday roast off, and made a newspaper stencil. Unless rectangular guitars exist? That would be better?
This mission is doomed. Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Unless rectangular guitars exist? That would be better?
Bo Diddley. The cakemaker's favourite guitarist.
...and colour pic to show icing shade required...
Edit to add: Carrying the cake in to the sound of Bo Diddley's trademark riff would really make the day special for any guitarist. They may get an irresistable urge to play it though, which could get messy, so have some kitchen roll to hand.
[ 10.07.2007, 09:45: Message edited by: dang65 ]
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Perfect! Thanks Dang!
With these pictures as evidence nobody will question the validity of a rectangular guitar-cake. Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Look at the state of that jumper. It's like something Benway would wear
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I suppose a Super-Yob is out of the question? Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: I suppose a Super-Yob is out of the question?
That's some seriously advanced cake making there. He obviously got a professional patissier to make that one. Seems to have offset the cost a bit by hiring a blind hairdresser, but still...
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Aw, gwan, do a ZZ-Top geeetar. They're cute and fluffy.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by dang65: Seems to have offset the cost a bit by hiring a blind hairdresser, but still...
Yeah, I've always wondered about that. Not the glitter, not the silver nun suit, not the 36-inch stack-heels... I'm fine with those. But... that fringe. Or absence of a fringe... Odd.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Yeah, I've always wondered about that. Not the glitter, not the silver nun suit, not the 36-inch stack-heels... I'm fine with those. But... that fringe. Or absence of a fringe... Odd.
It is troubling. He obviously does his best to distract the eye in any way possible, but no, it's the non-fringe that non-stays in the non-memory. It's a clever trick, getting people to remember something that was never there. Dave Hill - Mind Voodooist.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
that photo has reminded me, dave hill is god- like. im not joking, i reckon if you were to bury photos of dave hill in a capsule and they were to be found by People From The Future, who knew nothing of slade or their oeuvre, i think they would totally be mistaken for some kind of Graven Image.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I think if they destroyed TV I could co-exist with my father in law without feeling like I'm living inside a really shit sit com, probably written by the writer of...I don't know, ([BEN] My Hero or something, yeah?[/BEN]).
I've tried to put the brakes on it but I can't help riding the Pull Your Finger Out, You Married My Daughter Express straight into Robert Lindsayville.
Today I had a missed call from a number I didn't recognise. I phoned it back and got a garbled Hawking in a dustbin response from an indecipherable voice.
ME: Who's that?
Bleeghn: It's Bleeghn.
ME: Who?
Bleeghn: Bleeghn.
ME: Who?
Bleeghn: Bleeghn.
ME: You phoned my mobile.
Bleeghn: Bleeghn phesne nbeoihsfzkjjbdsf sheevey
ME: Can't fucking hear you mate.
Bleeghn: Fheer shafeer fer
ME: Fuck off.
Obviously it was my father in law. In his car, on speaker. He phoned me back from a land line to tell me. Because that's always how it is.
At Christmas I asked him where the nearest car wash was, so I could clean the car. So it was clean on Christmas Day. So I wouldn't leave a dirty car on his driveway. You know, because that would be wrong. That's the stupidest fucking thing ever but I felt guilty, leaving the car on his driveway, dirty, on Christmas Day. Like it proved I couldn't take care of his daughter. So I asked him where the nearest car wash was. He offered to show me and decided he'd wash his car too. Because obviously no one wants a dirty car on their drive on Christmas Day. So off we went, in convoy. Not like with CBs and Smokeys in pursuit or anything, just two cars, on their way to the carwash, on Christmas Eve. Like fucking idiots. So we got there and guess what, in Middle England Land everyone goes to the car wash on Christmas Eve. Because none of them want a dirty car in their drives on Chistmas Day. So it's a big queue. It feels like back in the day, raving, waiting for that phone call to say "It's on; Eye Airfield!" or "Car Wash, fuck the law." I'm in front of my Father in Law, head of the queue of twithcy hot wax ravers strung out for soap. I drive into the carwash and the queue tightens up. I drive in, wind up the window and...nothing happens. The car wash doesn't start. What the fuck is going on? So, I reverse. My reversing lights come on. Christ, the idiot's going to reverse out. Father in Law puts his car in reverse too. The car behind does too and the whole queue of ten cars has to do the same. All reversing because the idiot in the car wash is going to reverse out. On Christmas fucking Eve! Idiot. So I reverse, I start to back up but realise the whole queue is going mental. I stop. I get out of the car and go back to the machine. I'm standing in the carwash now. On Christmas fucking Eve. Everyone watching me and gnashing their middle England teeth. I'm pressing the button. I'm STANDING in the carwash and pressing the button. Mercifully, it doesn't start working. I'm not quite living in a shitcom enough to be whisked away on giant brushes and given the full shampoo and wax. I better get back in the car, I think, before I become part of a Hanna Barbera sequence and come out like a waxed **** with bubble ears, a sponge face and shocked, squeaky eyes. But I've lost all sense of spatial awareness, as only a shitcom character can. I open the BACK door of the car and try to get in. I realise my mistake and pretend I'm getting something from the backseat. Some kind of magic carwash starting item that works on Christmas fucking Eve. I get in the front. My father in law has watched this routine: fuck Downey junior, he's thinking, this guy has nailed the Tramp, absolutely nailed him. I get in and pull forward and the thing finally starts. Just as horns start beeping behind me. The suds start coming down the windscreen like a premature orgasm. I'm safe in my foamy cocoon.
It was like the other time, or the other time or the other time...the one where Father in Law decided we should hit the bell with the sledge hammer at the fair and I missed three times, to the whoops of delight from the crowd. Straight after he'd rung it with a single swing.
These things keep happening. I've been in more car washes than you've had hot dinners, fuckstards. I could ring that bastard bell in a heart beat. It's only when Father in Law is there... only then am I a fuckwit to end all fuck wits. This only happens to me when I'm on TV. In sitcom land. On Christmas fucking Eve.
[ 10.07.2007, 18:53: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Sorry. I'm a bit pissed and have issues.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
i heart jonesy
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hello Hippychick. I'm going to have a breakdown. Live on TMO.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I reckon that's just what the boards need. I always thought a good meltdown would make good entertainment. I just figured it would be some kind of unhinged stranger we could all poke with sticks until they went fucking nutzo. I didn't think it would be me, trying to come to terms with being a father at 23:30 on the 10th of July 2007. But, hey, life's full of surprises.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm alright now.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Don't worry, kids, your father's alright now. He won't do it again.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I'm only having children to give the spunking thread some closure. It's all for TMO.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I think I had to get that out of my system. Thanks for listening, little people who live between my cooling fan and some RAM crates. I feel much better.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
lol, that was great, Jonesy.
I just found this:
If for Dada you read TMO, it rings beautifully true.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
You guys have made my morning already. Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Anyone know what Man Ray's connection with Ramatuelle is? My wealthy sister owns a house there. She's invited us to stay, but we can't afford the flights. Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:So off we went, in convoy. Not like with CBs and Smokeys in pursuit or anything, just two cars, on their way to the carwash, on Christmas Eve. Like fucking idiots. So we got there and guess what, in Middle England Land everyone goes to the car wash on Christmas Eve. Because none of them want a dirty car in their drives on Chistmas Day. So it's a big queue. It feels like back in the day, raving, waiting for that phone call to say "It's on; Eye Airfield!" or "Car Wash, fuck the law." I'm in front of my Father in Law, head of the queue of twithcy hot wax ravers strung out for soap. I drive into the carwash and the queue tightens up. I drive in, wind up the window and...nothing happens. The car wash doesn't start. What the fuck is going on? So, I reverse. My reversing lights come on. Christ, the idiot's going to reverse out. Father in Law puts his car in reverse too. The car behind does too and the whole queue of ten cars has to do the same. All reversing because the idiot in the car wash is going to reverse out. On Christmas fucking Eve! Idiot. So I reverse, I start to back up but realise the whole queue is going mental. I stop. I get out of the car and go back to the machine. I'm standing in the carwash now. On Christmas fucking Eve. Everyone watching me and gnashing their middle England teeth. I'm pressing the button. I'm STANDING in the carwash and pressing the button. Mercifully, it doesn't start working. I'm not quite living in a shitcom enough to be whisked away on giant brushes and given the full shampoo and wax. I better get back in the car, I think, before I become part of a Hanna Barbera sequence and come out like a waxed **** with bubble ears, a sponge face and shocked, squeaky eyes. But I've lost all sense of spatial awareness, as only a shitcom character can. I open the BACK door of the car and try to get in. I realise my mistake and pretend I'm getting something from the backseat. Some kind of magic carwash starting item that works on Christmas fucking Eve. I get in the front. My father in law has watched this routine: fuck Downey junior, he's thinking, this guy has nailed the Tramp, absolutely nailed him.
lol
Can Tilde or Darryn please shop an image of Jonesy as Chaplin, brandishing a comedy-sized mop with a huge mass of suds on the end?
Posted by Kellifer (Member # 187) on :
There was a time when moving myself off the sofa and away from the TV was akin to ripping a newborn from the womb, but thankfully the end of TV wouldn't bring as much of a cataclysm now as it might have done then.
I guess I watch quite a lot of TV still. There is generally a series of something I watch for an hour each night, but my life doesn't seem to depend on it the way it did a few years back when I really did feel like a zombie. I'd miss playing Wii games on it more than the programmes at the moment.
For that reason I would probably play Trivial Pursuit Star Wars Edition, because Misc would more than likely lose his mind if there were no way to watch Star Wars any more. Board games wouldn't be so boring then, I feel.
I'd read more, both fiction and things like the Introductory Psychology manual I bought years ago and still have only got through the first two chapters. I'd cook from scratch more, hopefully socialise more and learn to play the piano the way I have been meaning to for years. I'd probably coerce M@~ into doing tricks to entertain us and maybe when that runs out of steam, have some kids for the same reason.
As for the free drink, it would probably put me off the pub more, since I assume if the alcohol was free then the mixers would be even more ridiculously expensive than they are now and I don't really drink alcohol these days. Perhaps this future government who are banning TV could see their way to legalising weed and then my options may open up a little and I'd have the creativity to write that novel that gathers dust on the shelf, funnily enough right beside the Star Wars trivial pursuit.
Oh and I may pay Jonesy, to send out comic scripts of his Living with Father in Law, to amuse me.
PS: Mart, do you by chance have a recording of The Way You Look Tonight that you could copy and send me before the government ban such things? I've been looking all over for it and you were the only person I thought lovely enough to have a copy.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: trying to come to terms with being a father at 23:30 on the 10th of July 2007.
Hang on! Does this mean that your little fellas arrived at 23:30 on the 10th July or that you were contemplating the impact of being a father once they do eventually arrive? Also, I was thinking about you just yesterday and wondering how things were so, like, CYI and that.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Do you mean the Jerome Kern song? From Swing Time (Fred and Ginger)?
If you do, then yes, I have a copy - will do you a CD when I get a working computer back at home. Will put lots of other nice things on it as well.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sidney: Hang on! Does this mean that your little fellas arrived at 23:30 on the 10th July...
Christ, no!
quote: ...or that you were contemplating the impact of being a father once they do eventually arrive? [/B]
Yes, that.
Sorry for drunken ramblings.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kellifer: I'd probably coerce M@~ into doing tricks to entertain us and maybe when that runs out of steam, have some kids for the same reason.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Because I initially skim-read Kellifer's post, I thought one of her post TV activity pledges was to "scratch more". I was about to make a jest along the lines of "Actually, I'd get some cream for that, luv - LOL" when I re-read and saved everyon concerned considerable embarrassment.
TV seems to play a pretty important part in most of our lives as the thing we can blame for our not having achieved an awful lot, even by this late stage. It strikes me we'd need a substitute 'blame-buddy' fairly sharpish if TV went permanently on the blink: perhaps a reconditioned Judeo-Christian deity could fit this purpose?
Posted by Kellifer (Member # 187) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Do you mean the Jerome Kern song? From Swing Time (Fred and Ginger)?
Yes, that's the one. Thank you Mart, I knew you would be the chap to have a copy and thank you for the extra loveliness too.
Oh and Ben, never underestimate the joy of a good scratch. I'm sure I could while away some time on such refinements.
Misc, don't panic, the Sims cats can do many tricks that it would take me an age to convince M@~ to participate in. Your little swimmers won't be challenged for a while yet!
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
That's disgusting
Posted by Kellifer (Member # 187) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kellifer: ...the Sims cats can do many tricks
Such as 'Come Here', 'Roll Over', 'Speak' and 'Play Dead'.
Oh wait, that sounds even more disgusting.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Cake progress update…
I went to the big Sainsbury’s near work on the way home in the hopes that they would have a vast selection of cake-making products. I was initially baffled by the unfamiliar language and seeming vast number of different kinds of icing. Then I was alarmed by being unable to find any roll-out icing that wasn’t white and had visions of trying to paint the whole fucking thing with food colouring and a tiny paintbrush. In a panic I decided to phone my mum…phone dead! Alone! Beyond help! …then I found some coloured icing, and the rest of the ingredients except for vanilla essence which had run out. Also for the fist time ever I got (possibly?) chatted up at the checkout! A nice looking young man said ‘that will make a funny cake!’ …which was true as I had 3 packs of coloured icing, some icing pens, flour, sugar and a large bag of spinach.
When I got home I tried to get vanilla from Fresh and Wild, but they had also run out. Some kind of vanilla party going on?! Then I couldn’t get in the house as I have the spare keys at the moment which don’t work. More panic. Realise phone is dead (again). Shout at door. Try again…success.
The recipe (minus vanilla) seemed fairly simple, but not very substantial, so I made 3 times the quantity and slopped it out into the big tin. Then I realised my guitar would have no neck and made another batch to cook in a small loaf tin. They seemed to cook ok…they got bigger and set anyway, and now await decoration! I also need some kind of …thing…to put it on. So far all I can think of is the lid of my housemate’s desk.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Yeah, lid of the desk should do it.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
When I posted that ^^^ it seemed to take longer than usual to redirect me to the thread. For a brief moment I imagined it was the effort it took the thread to go allll the way from the bottom of the pile alllllll the way back up to the top.
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
Slow day at the office?
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Perhaps I should let you know how it all turned out!
....I did use the lid of the desk (covered in tinfoil) which worked fine. I cant remember how the cake was transported - by taxi I think. Most of the cake and the desk-lid eventually made its back to someone's house after the pub, where the cake was eaten and the lid remained for some months before I remembered to go and collect it.
Thinking back I was really depressed at the time of this thread. What a great window into the past!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: What a great window into the past!
Absolutely. And I feel about as hinged now as I did then.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Sorry to hear that Jonsey. I am feeling much better!
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)