I met a guy the other day with one hand and no legs. I won't go into the medical details because I don't know them, but he was a one-handed, no-legged kind of guy. He walked on prosthetics and you'd barely know it but if you came at him from the right and held out a hand for a hand shake - and he had to kind of turn his good hand over to give you an uncomfortable, twisted reverse shake – you couldn't miss the stump where his other paw should be. In the course of a conversation with him he told me that he had recently been getting depressed because he couldn't find a girlfriend. He'd been on a few dates with someone but it was a foreign student and she returned to her native country. He wants a family (everything works up there, it's from the knee down that’s missing) and is now in his mid thirties. With the missing bits returned, I think he'd be quite a catch: good looking, fit, funny, bright, well paid job, interesting lifestyle (he was recently part of a round the world yacht crew for example) but, as things are, he’s never really had a proper partner.
Talking about him later on (when he’d gone, obviously) I had to admit that, were we talking about the equivalent female and were I single, I wouldn’t be able to look beyond the obvious problems. I guess I’m just too shallow.
What about you? Could you date outside your limbosphere? On the disability scale how far from intact would the needle need to stray before you’d say no way to someone you’d otherwise be attracted to?
Oslo, if you were this guy, what would you do to find love? Do you think his punching weight should be that of someone in a similar position to himself or should he be aiming to be the first one handed heavyweight champ?
Anyone?
[ 11.10.2007, 08:21: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
He should attend a Sign Language course at evening school. Those deafies will fuck anyone.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
That handless arm could take a lot of the hassle out of, erm, fisting.
Right girls? Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Girls? Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Or, he could buy some medals off eBay.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
I'd take the land mine route. Rumour has it that even Lady Diana - The People's Princess® would put out for anyone who'd lost limbs to one of those bad boys.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Who's that comedienne with cerebral palsy? She's smart, funny and fit. She'd be quite a catch.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I imagine fucking a midget would be a bit weird. They're small but they're dense.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
*pron
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Shit it! I should have known better after what happened to Zygote...
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Uh-oh. Did you get canned?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
No, I thought you might have disappeared into a perma-wank frenzy due to overexposure to sexy disabled imagery.
[ 11.10.2007, 09:38: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
True story, friend of mine pulled a girl one night when out drinking - went back to his. Next morning she clambered out of the bed and stumbled and he asked if she was still drunk. It was then that he realised that she had one leg.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
I've often thought about shagging a midget and/or a girl with no legs... Just minge and hips...
May make me vile, but you asked. However, I don't know how keen I would be to take up a relationship with a midget or lady-snail.
May have to test the theory, you know, for research!
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: *pron
HEE-HAW
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
quote:Originally posted by sabian: ... lady-snail....
Surely a new low. Even I am disturbed.
[ 12.10.2007, 06:21: Message edited by: herbs ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I was thinking about that 'joke' the other day. I can't remember why exactly, but it crossed my mind, and I thought, you know, it does cross some magic line beyond even bad taste and offensiveness. I don't know. It's like when you see a picture of a car accident or somebody being killed, and the way the human body all of a sudden just becomes this pulpy meat, face all distorted and broken, guts strung out... it sort of makes you think about humans differently. They look worthless and pitiful in that state. And that 'joke' reveals something about the human mind that gives me a similar reaction. It's so base and empty that it reveals something about us. It's horrifying, but it's a reminder that we really are a bunch of animals.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
a good window into that side of things is the internet site gurochan.com. It's very very nsfw, but it's only drawings. But if you spend half an hour or so looking through it, you can feel your mind bending. Some of that stuff sears the brain. Nobody really does misogyny like the japanese.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: It's like when you see a picture of a car accident or somebody being killed, and the way the human body all of a sudden just becomes this pulpy meat, face all distorted and broken, guts strung out... it sort of makes you think about humans differently.
Absolutely. I've exposed myself to quite a bit of this sort of stuff, it makes you think... humans, they're important, but not as important as physics.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: Nobody really does misogyny like the japanese.
Nobody really does miso like the japanese, either.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
nice one misc.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Thanks. I'm filling in for dang65.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: Surely a new low. Even I am disturbed.
After some of the doozies that Mask and Thorn have posted over the years (arguably, Kovacs too), *I* get the new low accolade?
It's only taken 7 years, but I've finally made it! Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
tmo is a sausage fest these days isn't it.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
yes it is.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
why have so many of the women gone?
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
because its a sausage fest. this, my lovelies, is your dictionary definition of a catch 22 situation.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
what's the opposite of a sausage fest? As in, lots of women, rather than a dearth of men, or 'sausages'.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
well, you cant just eat nothing but 'sausages'. you need to some 'mash' to balance it out. somethign creamy and comforting, solid and reliable, and homely, but also sexy. just like a lady. also, you maybe need something a bit spicy on the side, a bit piquant and provocative like mustard, to set both the 'sausages' and the 'mash' off. in the tmo- of- old context, that would have been macandrew, who was gay.
[ 12.10.2007, 07:50: Message edited by: dance margarita ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
so it's like a mash-fest? Sounds a bit too much 'gash-fest' for my liking. Anyway we need more mash to go with all these sausages. All these men, posting on tmo, all with little cocks in their underpants. Gross. McAndrew was gay.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Cuntorama.
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
i think we need to stop using the past tense when we say 'macandrew, who was gay'. i reckon he probably still is. hes unlikely to have changed his mind.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
he was killed though, about three months ago. Some clown dropped a bin over a footbridge near fife, and he was driving underneath it. bin went through the windscreen, he lost control and crashed into some stables.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: I was thinking about that 'joke' the other day. I can't remember why exactly, but it crossed my mind, and I thought, you know, it does cross some magic line beyond even bad taste and offensiveness. I don't know. It's like when you see a picture of a car accident or somebody being killed, and the way the human body all of a sudden just becomes this pulpy meat, face all distorted and broken, guts strung out... it sort of makes you think about humans differently. They look worthless and pitiful in that state. And that 'joke' reveals something about the human mind that gives me a similar reaction. It's so base and empty that it reveals something about us. It's horrifying, but it's a reminder that we really are a bunch of animals.
You just jogged my memory - I heard that joke once. My then-boyfriend told me it. Somehow he thought I'd find it funny. I broke up with him not long after that.
He had a small scar between his eyes and told me once that it had happened in school when he'd heard a football or something bang against the window pane next to him, looked up, and then glass pane slipped inwards and fell on him, breaking on his head and leaving him with a large cut between his eyes. That made me laugh and he was offended.
So I don't know. Maybe we deserved eachother.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I think to keep our more sensitive ladies - ie those with eyes - we need sausages to indicate below that they too feel 'snail lady' post crosses a line into 'not big or clever' territory.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
oh god i find that quite upsetting actually.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Look, herbs said:
I think to keep our more sensitive ladies - ie those with eyes - we need sausages to indicate below that they too feel 'snail lady' post crosses a line into 'not big or clever' territory.
So if we need sausages to indicate our disapproval, then I posted lots of sausages. You know. To indicate, like... you know. Strong agreement.
Oh, come on, please don't leave me like this, you *****! Some other fucker post sausages!
Edit: I mean, look!
I kindly and generously left that one in case somebody else wanted it! First page of Google Images!
Now get off your rumps and post sausages!
[ 12.10.2007, 08:42: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
no, I don't think that's what we need to do. That's the kind of shit that has landed us in this whole mess in the first place.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I didn't mean post sausages, I meant that persons in posession of sausages (ie, men) should indicate their disapproval of 'snail lady'. They could do this in any way they choose - by drawing an angry face, fashioning a frown out of sausage meat, etc...
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Um, uh... I, uh...
B-but, look! That last picture!
A woman is being blinded by sausages, reflecting in a post-modern sort of a way the feeling behind the snail-lady joke on this thread, suggesting that the men who endorse such a joke collude in blinding women from seeing their equality.
See?
[ 12.10.2007, 08:50: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
[ 19.10.2007, 14:08: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by dance margarita (Member # 848) on :
yeah well ralph youre just part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Posted by Pepper (Member # 353) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: what's the opposite of a sausage fest? As in, lots of women, rather than a dearth of men, or 'sausages'.
Clam bake?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
lol
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
is it okay to lol at that?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: he was killed though, about three months ago. Some clown dropped a bin over a footbridge near fife, and he was driving underneath it. bin went through the windscreen, he lost control and crashed into some stables.
That's quite an erotic image. That Benway, always thinking of the ladies.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2:
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: I was thinking about that 'joke' the other day. I can't remember why exactly, but it crossed my mind, and I thought, you know, it does cross some magic line beyond even bad taste and offensiveness. I don't know. It's like when you see a picture of a car accident or somebody being killed, and the way the human body all of a sudden just becomes this pulpy meat, face all distorted and broken, guts strung out... it sort of makes you think about humans differently. They look worthless and pitiful in that state. And that 'joke' reveals something about the human mind that gives me a similar reaction. It's so base and empty that it reveals something about us. It's horrifying, but it's a reminder that we really are a bunch of animals.
You just jogged my memory - I heard that joke once. My then-boyfriend told me it. Somehow he thought I'd find it funny. I broke up with him not long after that.
He had a small scar between his eyes and told me once that it had happened in school when he'd heard a football or something bang against the window pane next to him, looked up, and then glass pane slipped inwards and fell on him, breaking on his head and leaving him with a large cut between his eyes. That made me laugh and he was offended.
So I don't know. Maybe we deserved eachother.
Sorry, what joke are we talking about here?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lickapaw#2:
Edit: I mean, look!
My God! It's a post-mortem photo of Macandrew!
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Lady snail made me recoil a bit, but then I felt like a hypocrite for thinking that was too far. I don't know.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I wouldn't say it was 'too far', just that it's a pretty dark image, moreso than what you get with your average joke. If it popped up in Dr. Who then it would be too far, but you know. In the playground, nothing is sacred.
Anyway, the 'joke', BM, is
Q:"why do women have legs?" A:"have you seen the mess a snail makes?"
[ 17.10.2007, 08:18: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
lol
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
Or the version I heard:
"How do you find a Thalidamyde woman?
Follow a snail trail."
As I said, not my words Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
your version is best lickapaw.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
It's not mine! Posted by Pepper (Member # 353) on :
I thought Thalidomyde generally caused a shortness of limbs? If that's so, Lickapaw's joke is the worst.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Yeah, it doesn't work at all. Lickapaw needs to sort her shit out.
I remember one time at university, I there was this chick I wanted to fuck who was a bit of a god-squadder and somehow I volunteered to some fundraiser she was doing with her church mates one Sunday afternoon. As you can imagine it was pretty grim, and pretty tense and I was pretty drunk when I turned up. For the most part it was pretty tense, and I didn't really feel I could talk to anyone there. You know, it was all like earnest types and wholesome guys who you sort of get the impression have already decided that you're not good enough for their friend. Like that campaign advisor who has to chuck Travis Bickle out the door in Taxi Driver. So anyway, it was all a bit stilted and awful. We were clearing stuff away and one of the guys grins in this "Heh, watch me piss of the women" way that suggests he thinks he's flirting, and he goes "Hey - hey - why did God give women legs!" All the girls roll there eyes and indulge him: "Go on! Why did God give women legs?" And I butted in "Hey I know this one - Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes?!" Silence, obviouslty. And, naturally I started backtracking, "It was his joke!" I said, pointing. And everyone kept staring at me. And then he goes "I was going to say 'so she can get from the washing machine to the cooker'". Yeah. So anyway. He actually married the girl in question in the end. They live in Crawley now, which is, like, way shitter than Oxford.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Christ, Misc wasn't kidding when he said people were sick of this kind of thing, eh.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Whenever me and my friends used to do an impression of a 'misogynist' we'd just put on a really loud man-voice and go 'SO THEY DON'T LEAVE SNAILTRAILS, HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW' *horrible, guffawing laughter*. That did the trick every time. It's a shit joke, people are shit, men are awful, the end.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I had a scary moment in The Bedford Tavern in Croydon once, when some guy collared me as I was coming out the toilets and started showing me pictures of his kid and the kid's mother, who was black. Having established "so, you can see I'm not a racist", he started reeling off jokes like "What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper!?! LOL!!" Of course, as freakanomics lays out, there is a correlation between the legalisation of abortion and the crime rate 15 years down the line, so there's a sociological truth to the joke, even if it does assume that a black woman is always going to be underprivliged. If he amended his joke to "What do you call a woman who lacks the means to provide for her child, and the neccesary means to improve her social mobility and is lacking a suitable support network to help her cope with the massive responsibility and consequently has an abortion? A crimestopper!", then you might have something economists will laugh at.
[ 17.10.2007, 11:47: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Having said all that, my favourite joke of the last few years is...
"My dog's got no dictionary."
"Really? How does it spell terrible?"
Which I just love, but no-one else seems to really get it. I told it at Christmas one time and everyone there was like "Surely it should be "How does it spell?" "Terrible" and I was trying to explain that it wasn't just a surreal retread of the older joke, but a pun that pivotted on the listeners knowledge of the older joke. I nearly drove myself mad trying to explain that after a bottle of port.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
That's a cute joke! Are there any more? I love jokes except for the snailtrails one.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
No.
That's the only joke I know. That's why it's my favourite.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
My wife's gone to the West Indies.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Of her own accord?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
did you make her?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
lol
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I put 'lol' in a text message the other day by accident. When I realised my mistake, I desperately wanted to burn down the building down in which the recipient worked, melting his phone in the process but I can't travel faster than orange light. Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
No, I hate Japanese cars. LOL>
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
lol
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I said 'lol' in a conversation about six months ago. It was awful. My friend just went completely silent, put down his burger, looked me in the eye and said. "Jesus Christ... don't ever do that again."
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Really? I say 'lol' all the time. It's ironic, or something. But it's also an acknowledgement of the way that the boundaries between the on and offline worlds have pretty much dissolved now. Are you friends not internet users or something? That kind of reaction seems a bit... backward.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
If I'd explained it in terms that I was being ironic or that it was a witty sideswipe at the diminishing boundaries between real life and online, he probably wouldn't have said anything. Just reached across, grabbed my hair and then repeatedly smashed my skull into the table until one or the other cracked in half. And, frankly, he would be right to do it.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I didn't realise SG5 was the violent type.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
It wasn't SG5, it was a real person.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
laugh out loud
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
When I first started on the internet, I thought lol meant lots of love, and everyone was just being really nice to everyone else, in a cloyingly cutesy way.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
aww
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: If I'd explained it in terms that I was being ironic or that it was a witty sideswipe at the diminishing boundaries between real life and online, he probably wouldn't have said anything. Just reached across, grabbed my hair and then repeatedly smashed my skull into the table until one or the other cracked in half. And, frankly, he would be right to do it.
That's ridiculous. Your friends are thugs.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
SG5 isn't a thug! You take that back!
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
She's just bitter that I never introduced her to them. Like I was ashamed, or something.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Are you? Ashamed?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
No, matter what society says about it, I was never ashamed. It's just sometimes... the intensity of something... I just assumed they wouldn't be able to understand.
Posted by Lickapaw#2 (Member # 1049) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: When I first started on the internet, I thought lol meant lots of love, and everyone was just being really nice to everyone else, in a cloyingly cutesy way.
Actually, I thought that too. One day I asked a casual aquaintance why they kept on showering me with slightly embarrassing declarations of love and they explained to me. I felt far less nauseated with the expression after that.
Me mum writes LOL as a sign-off to every email she writes, because she used to think it was lots of love. I explained what it really meant.
She still does it.
[ 18.10.2007, 08:43: Message edited by: Lickapaw#2 ]
Posted by wonderstarr (Member # 1158) on :
sometimes the very words "online" and "internet" just make me... gahh. like I've heard them enough in the last ten years to last the rest of my life.
Posted by Keef (Member # 27) on :
My brother asked me on msn the other day what ffs meant. I LOL'd at him and then said "You're going to ask me what the fuck WTF means next, aren't you?". He just replied with "eh?". I gave up at that point.
quote:Originally posted by London: That's a cute joke! Are there any more? I love jokes except for the snailtrails one.
Q. How do you titillate an ocelot? A. You oscillate it's tit a lot.
Eyethankyou. I'm here all week, try the fish...
[ 18.10.2007, 19:12: Message edited by: Keef ]
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
I still think NSFW is the coolest of all acronyms. That 98% of everyone understands it can interpret it for themselves just proves... something rambling... mutter... chained to our desks... who decides what we look at and think etc etc. But it's good and still the album title I'd choose if I had any friends who could play instruments in a straight line long enough to make a record. A record rude enough to be not safe for work as well would be fairly important. Has anyone made a record which is not safe for work? See, there's a gap in the market there too.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
There are loads! Like Necro or 2 Live Crew. Anything rude is generally NSFW, right?
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Yeah, work is a very prudish kind of place isn't it. There must be sensitive people around who see horrible violence on the telly and adverts for beer, and young people wearing hoods on every street corner and then they get to work and it's just so nice to be in a safe place where no one swears or shows nude bits and the only music you hear is Lemon Jelly songs about ducks and that. No wonder retired people get so stressed out all the time, not having that refuge from disgusting things.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
good old necro.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
A lot of my work is NSFW.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
people say 'c**t' a lot when I'm at work...not at me, just around me.
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