Seriously. What's the best way? How do you arrange it, and how much does it cost? What do you need - is the person's name and address sufficient, or would it be better to arrange to meet the person and then have the heavies show up to put the boot in? I don't have any contacts in the 'underworld' but there's someone my, er, friend knows who only really understands and respects violence, and my friend really needs to get a message to him.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
Me and my mates used to joke about doing it in highschool for $50. No one ever took us up, so we did it for free once... You know, loss leader.
Then my mate's family offered me $8k to kill said mate's skanky girlfriend whilst I was very very stoned/drunk. I was tempted, but realised that $8k wouldn't last an 17 year old long in prison.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Best thing's to get chatting with a complete stranger, perhaps on a train, and persuade them to do it for you and say you'll do someone they don't like in return. Although various books and films have made out that this is a flawed plan, they are just fiction and it actually works out really well in real life. In fact, it's the major topic of conversation between most strangers on trains, ahead of the weather and property prices.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
All I need is a name, an address and £100 + expenses.
ETA: £200 if you want some cutting
[ 21.01.2008, 11:49: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
I'm sure I once heard that there was some pub you could go to on the Old Kent Road and some guy would break someone's legs for like £150. Goddammit, why am I so middle-class and uncriminal?
Misc, I'd gladly take you up on your offer if I actually thought you'd go through with it.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: Misc, I'd gladly take you up on your offer if I actually thought you'd go through with it.
I know people. It's all about delegating.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
If you're looking to hire muscle for violence, best do it on the quiet, rather than a public internet chat-forum. Unless you're looking to get yourself beaten up. That's probably legal. Also, remember that if you're looking to get somebody else done, then they'll probably have you done back, only more so.
[ 21.01.2008, 12:18: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
W-what? But everything on the internet is magical and private and - oh wait. I forgot this isn't the year 2000 anymore. Why, do you know someone? PM me please. BTW dear police, obviously I would never do this. What do you think I am, vengeful or something?
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Roy, who used to post on TMO, likes beating the shit out of people. He'd probably do it for free.
Whoever the beatee is, London, you need to have him (her?) out of your life if s/he is making you think like this.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Yeah, well, it'd be a little bit easier if THEIR CHILD wasn't currently IN MY TUMMY.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
*wonders if the child will ever see a copy of this thread...
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
christ on a bike.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
*Hollyoaks post-epilogue guitar sting*
Uh-oh. Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Show and Tell
TEECH: Okay, so this week's theme for show and tell is family history. What have you brought in to show us today, Seth?
SETH This is the actual thread when mummy tried to find an assassin to kill daddy. Was before I got put in care. I miss mummy. Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Seriously? Crikey.
In that case, I'd imagine a TMO posse could quite easily be organised to go and teach him a lesson he won't forget, tear him a new arshole, etc...
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Can you do it Benway?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
no
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Can a man get a third degree tear ?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: In that case, I'd imagine a TMO posse could quite easily be organised to go and teach him a lesson he won't forget, tear him a new arshole, etc...
Is anybody else on the board driven to violence through depression? Recently I've been compiling a list of people who would get on my list of going on a killing rampage if I manage to fail at life. So far on the list there is: Kids who listen to music on their phone, the move-down twats and..and actually the list feels quite exhausted already which is quite distressing.
Suggestions?
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Can a man get a third degree tear ?
That'd be awesome. I wonder if that costs extra?
[ 21.01.2008, 12:39: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
It's a long way from the japseye to the anus...
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: no
Can't or won't?
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Why bother with a beating, child support will kill him slowly.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
You're not entitled to it from abroad. Still, I don't know how long I want to stay in this boring depressing country, but I'm kind of stuck here now because the parental leave / benefit is so good. I'll chase him down if I return though, but he'll probably have disappeared by then.
eta: Lowlevel knows about extreme violence. Anyone have his email address?
[ 22.01.2008, 00:07: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Yeah, Lowlevel. He's your man.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
If you get in touch with an appropriate agent put my sister in touch with them. Maybe you could get cheap rate for a a bulk deal?
Why do so many men run away from their children? The men on here seems to find parenthood a positive experience; how come other men can't grasp there are some great people about to grow up that they could get a real kick out of knowing?
Bastards.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I know this is nosy, but I really want to know what he's done...
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam: Why do so many men run away from their children?
Well, if you're into things like hanging out, getting wasted and banging chicks two at a time having a family clogging up your home is only going to get in the way. Back in the day you used to be able to get tight on whiskey and mount the servant girls as often as you desired and the wife would turn a blind eye to it, so there was never any real need to abandon your family. Besides which you needed to stick around to make sure your child didn't turn out to be a whoopsie. You had to take him hunting and show him how to bully the stable hand and hate foreigners.
These days you're liable to get sued for divorce if you spend too long looking at a mannequin in a shop window and turning your child into some kind of touchy-feely poofter is the whole point of education, rather than the opposite. It's a wonder more men don't run out on their kids. Plus, although fatherhood may be a positive experience, hanging out, getting wasted and banging chicks two at a time is definitely one.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: I know this is nosy, but I really want to know what he's done...
M..me too. I want to know what would make London hire violence.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
He didn't do the washing-up properly. I can't abide cloggy forks, you know?
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: These days you're liable to get sued for divorce if you spend too long looking at a mannequin in a shop window and turning your child into some kind of touchy-feely poofter is the whole point of education, rather than the opposite. It's a wonder more men don't run out on their kids.
Woah! Haven't you got kids? You really think this? Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
I haven't got kids, no. And I still don't spend any time hanging out, getting wasted and banging chicks two at a time, so I'm losing out all over the place.
[ 22.01.2008, 05:49: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: He didn't do the washing-up properly. I can't abide cloggy forks, you know?
Egg yolk between the tines? I hear ya, sista.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: I haven't got kids, no. And I still don't spend any time hanging out, getting wasted and banging chicks two at a time, so I'm losing out all over the place.
despero non. You have time to get going on all fronts. Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
[hijack] Thorn, mayhap you were at ladbrook grove tube station this morning?
If not, there's a dopple of you and he lives near me! [/hijack]
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
No, but seriously. What gives?
Posted by wonderstarr (Member # 1158) on :
Hey, how do you go about getting someone to rape a pregnant woman? Since, you know, anything goes on here.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
lol
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
How much are you offering?
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
I'm joking, of course. Pregnant women don't really turn me on.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by wonderstarr: Congratulations, London, on your excellent news.
Hurray! I knew you'd get around to it.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay:
quote:Originally posted by herbs: In that case, I'd imagine a TMO posse could quite easily be organised to go and teach him a lesson he won't forget, tear him a new arshole, etc...
Is anybody else on the board driven to violence through depression? Recently I've been compiling a list of people who would get on my list of going on a killing rampage if I manage to fail at life. So far on the list there is: Kids who listen to music on their phone, the move-down twats and..and actually the list feels quite exhausted already which is quite distressing.
Suggestions?
When I was very very depressed at university I went through a stage of looking to get into fights that I had no intention of standing up for myself in - I managed to get the shit kicked out of me on several occasions and even managed to get a glass thrown in my face - I wasn't being a massive dick, I just made a point of hanging about in violent areas....
God I was depressed.
Violence is never the answer though.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Benny the Ball: Violence is never the answer though.
What about
7 across: Use of force(8)
?
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
violence is rarely the answer though.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: What about
7 across: Use of force(8)
?
Starwars
?
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
No, that can't be right. I've got 'Vulva' for six down.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
if you mean for the V at the start, then it would be seven down, surely?
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
I think you've got him cornered on this one benny.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
I didn't think it worth pointing out that 7 across could start at the second 'v', as Benny had already sort of acknowledged that.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
benny you idiot! Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
m i m s t a r w a r s y
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
narrowest crossword ever...
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Not wanting to belittle whatever badness London and babyfather are having, but this seemed like the right place to enjoy that special feeling you get when people you love and trust STAMP ALL OVER YOUR HEART AND BRAIN. Thus destroying any belief one might have had in friendship and love and trust and being slightly cheerfull for any period of time.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
{{h1ppyhug}} - hope you're OK, Abby.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: Not wanting to belittle whatever badness London and babyfather are having, but this seemed like the right place to enjoy that special feeling you get when people you love and trust STAMP ALL OVER YOUR HEART AND BRAIN. Thus destroying any belief one might have had in friendship and love and trust and being slightly cheerfull for any period of time.
Fuck. Hope you're alright hon. 2008 is turning out to be a bit of a rollercoaster for emotional stuff. I'm hanging on and trying not to look down.
Sx
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Just remember Abby, I love you!
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
We all love you, Abby!
:grouphug:
[ 27.01.2008, 14:39: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Bad luck Abby.
If it's any use, I've finally found a connection to the criminal underworld!
Apparently my request can be arranged, but I will 'owe them one' FOR EVER AND EVER. I don't like the sound of that. I might just stick to the CSA. I hear they're pretty hardcore too, and totally legal!
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
hugs abby.. hugs.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Thanks everyone.
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: Seriously. What's the best way? How do you arrange it, and how much does it cost? What do you need - is the person's name and address sufficient, or would it be better to arrange to meet the person and then have the heavies show up to put the boot in? I don't have any contacts in the 'underworld' but there's someone my, er, friend knows who only really understands and respects violence, and my friend really needs to get a message to him.
CSA should do it
I actually know people that could help with your little request. But i don't think it's something i'd like to play any part in. Sorry.
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
oh right, you already mentioned the CSA. i should read threads before posting.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I used to work with a guy from Sunderland who said that he knew someone from back when he was a miner who'd beat someone up for you and all it would cost you is a Mars bar. He also said that down in the mines they used to wank on the coal.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Maybe your soon-to-escape relative could knock this one off while on the run?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Mate of mine works in a security company (bouncers, strong people, site guards, etc.) and he has all kinds of stories of weird schemes that acquaintances of his have got up to.
Our favourite is of some divvy nutcase gangster type who had kidnapped somebody because they owed somebody else money following a robbery, or something. I forget the details. Anyway this divvy guy, who is a bit... thick... sent the relatives of the kidnapped bloke a fax (yes a fax) that he had hand-scrawled a scary message on. I can't remember the exact wording, but the crucial bit was (and the spelling is intentional):
pAy uP bY toMoRrOw oR YoU WiLl fEeL the rOth of sAtiN Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: the rOth of sAtiN
Ace.
And... Tag.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Loose, but possibly valid, relevance to this thread:
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: BABY EVILE!!*&
And you call yourself an IT guy?
working link Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by sabian: And you call yourself an IT guy?
You don't know what pressure I'm under. My boss came over to me today and started going raving fucking bonkers about not completing my 'Personal Development Form' - Basically I've had a couple of hours to fill it out in total. I'd already finished it initially, but they used my original document to have a meeting about how they wanted them filled out, so they brought back the document with a completely different layout. Basically, I couldn't give a fuck about it, because I've hardly been giving the time to fill it out but my boss came up stood behind me, did a spaz face and when 'gnh! Nobcheese!' and looked really pissed off. So there. That's the kind of pressure I'm under!
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: YoU WiLl fEeL the rOth of sAtiN
:shudder:
[ 29.01.2008, 13:12: Message edited by: froopyscot ]
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
You're crazy!
Roth MADE Van Halen... Hager was shit and deserves to choke on bottle of Clorox!
/Van Halen humph!\
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: That's the kind of pressure I'm under!
Yeah? I just fixed a server for a company that turns over £35million a year that has no bricks and mortar so, no website = no money.
I teh win!
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
quote:Originally posted by sabian: You're crazy!
Roth MADE Van Halen... Hager was shit and deserves to choke on bottle of Clorox!
/Van Halen humph!\
Maybe so, but you think about feeling his shiny satin pants and then tell me you don't get the screaming heebie-jeebies.
[ 29.01.2008, 15:02: Message edited by: froopyscot ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
and just think about his smokey pant butt...
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
I don't know. Rooster may like men in satin pants. I'll make sure to ask her tonight.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
What's smoky pant butt? It sounds familiar. Perhaps Thorn can do his memory-man thing?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
rooster said that she wouldnt let anyone who smoked in her house. not just that you couldn't smoke in her house, you couldn't even come through the door. you would have to sit outside. that's how fanatical she is. she would be revulsed (is that a word?) by the smell of fags on your clothes, getting into her furniture.... she would be able to smell your smokey pant butt on her pristine sofa.
that's where it's from. we all secretly concluded that rooster is a hysterical obsessive-compulsive nutter, but never said so because, well, you don't, do you.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
not really, rooster
but we did enjoy the smokey pant butt
[ 29.01.2008, 19:20: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
not only won't I let them into my house, but I won't vote for them for president (had to cross Obama off my list, sigh). and yep, I'm a nutter.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
To be fair though rooster, your unreasonable and completely arbitrary method of choosing a president is no more 'faulty' than those who vote for someone because "God" told them too.
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
it is certainly not unreasonable or arbitrary. I think having a drug-addicted president sends a bad message (especially one who smokes and has small children). You may all lynch me now.
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
quote:Originally posted by sabian:
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: That's the kind of pressure I'm under!
Yeah? I just fixed a server for a company that turns over £35million a year that has no bricks and mortar so, no website = no money.
I teh win!
Lol, if they rely that heavily on a single server and don't have a failover they deserve everything they get Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
35 million flow... Who handles their online transactions ?
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
Missed decimal...
3.5mil
Who handles them? HS-FUCKING-BC... You have no fucking idea how hard it is dealing with these twats... After 3 dozen or so calls to their 'tech support' to get access to their cpi c libraries so I could install them on the server so that the transactions would be authed with the proper hash, they still never sent the bloody things. In the end, I had to use a snippet I'd found on another website to use Google's code search to find them buried on someone else's server.
After installing the lot and getting it working through the sandbox, I flipped it into production and the bloody thing didn't work. Speaking to Mumbai forty times in a day FINALLY worked out that the account was set up to accept £'s but if someone way trying to place in order in $'s, it wasn't clever enough to do the conversion.
Anyway, long story short, November was a very long month of implementation, a £450 phone bill for over 35 hours on the blower, and a headache I'm still suffering now.
I think I may become a hermit.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
3.5, small but OK.. Not porn ? Not anything dodgy ?
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
quote:Originally posted by Physic: Lol, if they rely that heavily on a single server and don't have a failover they deserve everything they get
Tell me about it.. They're still running on a Sempron 'server' which works 99% of the time, but when it goes tits up, it properly goes tits up.
But, these people are very much the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" and "if it is broke, fix it but don't tell us" kind of people..
After last night, I spec'ed up a new server with a load balancer and database server and sent to them. I haven't opened outlook yet, but I suspect there'll be a "no" in there when I finally can be bothered to check my mail.
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: 3.5, small but OK.. Not porn ? Not anything dodgy ?
Yeah, it ain't Microsoft but £3.5mil would do nicely for me!
And, no... Nothing dodgy... Just extremely niche and when the market dries up, they'll go under cuz they won't diversify.
But, try telling rich people how to do something when you, yourself, aren't rich... You may as well try to lasso the moon.
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