This is topic Whiteout! in forum Life at TMO Talk.


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Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
7 or 8 inches of snow fell overnight. All buses and trains are cancelled. London rocks! The Family Mask is off to Peckham Rye to build snowmen and throw snowballs. Then an ad hoc sledge in Nunhead Cemetery, perhaps.
 
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
 
Frozen snow in the north. News informs me that London is having 'the worst snow event in ten years'. You bunch of giant wusses, it's just a bit of cold watter.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
No such luck here. An inch or so. So far I'm the only one who has actually arrived in the office, but that's probably because nobody starts before 8.30.

Fingers crossed there'll be a dusting of snow later so we can all go home [Wink]
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
Despite only living seven miles from my workplace, in one of the world's premier capital cities, I appear to be stranded at home, due to the 'adverse weather conditions'. No buses running, tubes pretty much given up, and goodness knows about the DLR, which has a fit of the vapours if a leaf lands on a set of points.

Looks like I'll be 'working from home'. It is mighty purdy outside, though...
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Louche:
You bunch of giant wusses, it's just a bit of cold water.

I think Ralph has stolen your password. What are you Londoners complaining about? American snow falls from the sky at 1000mph in solid chunks of ice and metal, in ten feet drifts every night of the year and it doesn't slow them down. Wimps!

Anyway, a few inches here in oxford. No real disruption here, although I did go past three ambulances going in three different directions during my 15 minute cycle to work which was a bit depressing.
 
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
 
A had to walk through a foot of snow in some places. My knees hurt. No-one in work. Me and my colleague. The pub has no excuse to open though, so lunchtime, in there. Probably get snowed in and have to crank open the canteen with a crowbar, like a disaster movie.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
I'll admit I drove to work today rather than cycling. In my defence, I cycle down a canal tow path which is likely to be covered in snow, and there are several hills on the way. All of which are trecherous enough when it's frosty let alone snowy, and falling into the frozen canal is not how I wanted to start my day. So yes, a wuss is what I am. But at least I actually came into work. AND I managed to drive about ten miles last night on actual thick snow on ungritted roads, in an old rear wheel drive car with dodgy suspension and no traction control, and I didn't even die once.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
I wandered into work this morning. It was truly beautiful. And I saw four people fall over hard. Nothing broken on those occasions but I suspect hospitals will be busy today.

The office appears to be pretty much dead as anyone who lives more than a mile away has decided to use the excuse that buses aren't running to not come into work even though it's a very pleasant walk.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Bah, you call this snow? In Masachhusettes we get eight feet of snow. Every day. And the snow's made out of acid, so it burns your face off as well as making you cold. It's also colder than your snow.[/Ralph]

[ 02.02.2009, 05:12: Message edited by: Suckmonster ]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Luckily though, Massachusettsians radiate an aura of burning hot awesome which keeps the snow at bay. Which is good because it is made of knives and gives you AIDS.
 
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
 
The holocaust? I shit it. Yesterday Masachhusettes experienced a snonami. The snow got really shallow for about 2 minutes and a tidal wave of snow demolished a mosque with a visiting group of a few million jews. It was a shame as it really ruined the opportunity for my newborn to learn to surf a snownami. With only a lolly pop stick as a surfboard.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
lol ralph sucks
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
snow here in north london. You can all relax - I'm safe and well.
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
Seasonal unpreparedness ROCKS!
 
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
 
Hey, BM, you tried any Calvin & Hobbes snowman options? I've always wanted to make some of those, but there's never any snow where I am, ever. None at all here in kraut land. [Mad]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
who hasn't checked in? Is everybody okay? Remember to call your family, let them know you made it through the night.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
We've not heard anything from Tilde yet. Generally he'd be on his 30th post by now. Everyone pray for Tilde.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Black Mask:
Seasonal unpreparedness ROCKS!

I love how every year people seem astonished at the return of Winter, like they really weren't expecting it. "Isn't it cold!" they exclaim in shocked tones.

Yes it's cold. Yes it's snowing. It's Winter, it's what it does
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
Ha. I think this weather proves that all the scientists were wrong about Global Warming.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cherry In Hove:
We've not heard anything from Tilde yet. Generally he'd be on his 30th post by now. Everyone pray for Tilde.

I'll keep my xbox signed in today. If he adds me as a friend, we'll know he survived.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Sky's getting darker again. looks like we might be in for another quarter inch of snow. Dangerous times..
 
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
 
My trains are broken. How disastrous.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
I think Ralph has stolen your password. What are you Londoners complaining about? American snow falls from the sky at 1000mph in solid chunks of ice and metal, in ten feet drifts every night of the year and it doesn't slow them down. Wimps!

That's not a funny thing to suggest, Thorn.

But I am lololling at the thought of a city shutting down all its public transport because of 7 or 8 inches of snow.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Snow's made of ice. Like the ice I used put in my booze. When I was an alcoholic. Which I'm not anymore, because I have the willpower of the gods.[/Ralph]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
lol. Putting ice in your drink makes it weaker you idiot.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
lol
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
But I am lololling at the thought of a city shutting down all its public transport because of 7 or 8 inches of snow.

Lol. Yeah, it's like those idiots in New Orleans who closed down the city in 2005 just because of a bit of rain and wind.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
The thing you're missing, ralph, is that no-one wants to go to work on a Monday. Sure, the Americans might have kept all the transport links going and had everything running as normal. So everyone would be going "thanks a fucking bunch for that". Who would it benefit? People want the transport to stop.

Imagine a school that's closing its doors because the boiler's broken. So it's like "Hey kids - you all get the day off!" Then one kid goes "Actually - I think I can fix this! We don't have to have the day off at home at all!" How popular would that kid be? So before you bray about the fact you can keep the buses running, think about whether you'd want to.
 
Posted by squeegy (Member # 136) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dang65:
there's never any snow where I am, ever. None at all here in kraut land. [Mad]

Same here. [Frown]
 
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
 
Holland has escaped it as well - It just remains grey and bitterly cold, even in my appartment with the fire on full blast its still about 10 degrees in here, and the pilot light on the water heater will not stay alight. Stupid appartment [Mad] [Mad]

[ 02.02.2009, 06:59: Message edited by: Waynster ]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Waynster:
Holland has escaped it as well

lol. Sounds like the angel of death passed by or something.

Sorry you're cold though...
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Did I mention I was an alcoholic?[/Ralph]
 
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
 
What's wrong with Ralph? We take the piss out of him for doing something and then, he goes ahead and does it anyway. It's like hey man, if you were to do this, it would make you sound like a right twat and that person responding with 'I love a challenge'
 
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
 
Reasonably snowy here, it was piled up to a couple of feet around my house, maybe getting on for a foot deep on the way to town where it hadn't been trodden down.

There are only a few people in our office, no trains running and anyone who lives outside walking distance either didn't come in or has driven home as it's forecast to get worse this afternoon.

Office is closing at 3.30pm but I'm hoping we can blag an earlier finish, which is possibly a bit cheeky since this is my first day back after 3 weeks of holiday..
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by New Way Of Decay:
What's wrong with Ralph? We take the piss out of him for doing something and then, he goes ahead and does it anyway.

I'll not have you rob me of one of lifes simple pleasures. And lolol at your legs hurting from the horrible snow. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
Not enough snow here to stop the trains, sadly. Hope that doesn't change by this evening or I'll be stranded in this hole.

Saw someone slip and fall at the station. His legs went out in front of him and he sat straight down on his cock-sicks. Upon landing he didn't move, just sat there with eyes moving left and right like those cat clocks from the past. Someone probably helped him up, I should think.

Still snowing, weakly.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Ahem. Technically, you're always an alcoholic. Which I am. Did I mention this?[/Ralph]
 
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
 
Fucking hell, what a prick.
 
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
 
The thing is, ralph, it just doesn't snow that much in the UK, so who's going to bother making all the preparations. This is the first snow for about six years or something.

It's like if people only went out binge drinking once every six years or so, at random. There would be no demand for an infrastructure of alcohol-buying establishments.

As it is, there's a pub on every corner in England, and usually a couple on the straight bits in between the corners too.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
Okay, I'm heading out for supplies... Got my crampons tightened and my thermals tucked right up my crevasse. Hopefully I'll avoid any avalanches, etc.

Snow's going upwards now [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
It looks like the snow is finally lifting here. It's been an arduous time but the main thing is that we are still ALIVE. Though obviously we will all bear the scars of the trauma we have suffered at the hands of the White Death.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dang65:
As it is, there's a pub on every corner in England, and usually a couple on the straight bits in between the corners too.

LOL. You Englanders have such weak willpowers. [Smile] [Smile] [/Ralph]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dang65:
The thing is, ralph, it just doesn't snow that much in the UK, so who's going to bother making all the preparations. This is the first snow for about six years or something.

No, I get thst dnag. It's like parts of the southern US that rarely get snow in many ways. And I can even understand why your buses might not be running today -- but the trains? Surely the trains can get through?
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Obviously we wouldn't need to drink so frequently and in such volume if our drinks weren't so weak in alcohol content compared to proper American booze.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
See if you add ice to a drink and it melts, that makes the drink weaker, yeah? 'Cos ice is made of water. So, it's not really that our booze is stronger. I probably know more about this than you because I'm an alcoholic.[/Ralph]

[ 02.02.2009, 07:33: Message edited by: Suckmonster ]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
I never drank American products. We have something in this country called imports. [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Uh oh, I think I spoke too soon. According to the forecast this afternoon could bring with it more light snow shower!

This could be the calm before the storm, folks. If I stop posting it'll be because critical communications systems have been affected by the sheer fury of White Monday's relentless light snow showers.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Yeah, I used to drink some sophisticated shit. Imported MD 20/20. That was some high grade booze. It was made in America, yeah, then exported, then imported back to us, because it was so fucking awful.[/Ralph]
 
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
 
HI IT OK I SURVIVCE. SNOW FALL HERE MAYBE 1 INCH. WE ARE HOLED UP, LUCKY WE HAVE BAKED BEANS, TINS, SOCKS AND FRESSH PANTS TO THE WEEKEND.

WE ARE DRINKING CARLSBERG SPECIAL BREW 9.0% ALTHOUGH I HAVE ADDED SOME ICE SO PROBABLY IT'S ONLY 7.5% NOW.

PEACE OUT!!
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
oh thank god
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Snow storm is getting worse where we are. Fifteen minutes ago we observed a Norwegian student cycling down the road, firing wildly at a Dachsuhund that appeared to be fleeing from him. One of the others took him out with the office revolver. Reckon he came from the research college up near Jericho. Probably gotten cabin fever. It's easy to lose it in this kind of storm. Me and the sales manager are going to head on up there before conditions worsen, see if we can figure out what happened.

[ 02.02.2009, 07:49: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Provisions are running dangerously low here. We're down to our last half pack of Custard Creams. I've suggested we stop dunking in every other cup of coffee but nerves are strained and I think this biscuit situation could erupt if we're not careful.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
We're in it for the motherfucking species, people.

cracks passerby's skull open and scoops gooey innards into tupperware container
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
There have been some murmerings about heads of units being asked if they want to send their staff home here at the University. This is patently ridiculous, there's about an inch of snow on the ground and the roads are just wet.

Plus we've got the gas people in at home at the moment replacing the boiler so going home means going home to no heating, no water, and a bloody great big hole in the wall. So, on balance, I think I'd rather not..
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
I don't want to worry people, but this situation has affected the American Express canteen.

Due to staff shortages there were no pizzas on offer today, also no pasta dishes. Baked potatos were still on and fortunately I managed to get a cheeseburger and chips.

I'm going to have to make it last, as I can't say for sure that I'll get another meal in the next week.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I've just had a call from a printer who rang to assure me that although he's not in the office today he is picking up all his emails remotely.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Our printers just sit on tables in the offices and print whatever is sent to the print queue. You have to wonder if some advances in technology really improve productivity..
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Definitely not. These printers hassle me about deadlines and quotes and ring up and beg for things to print. What's that about? My fax machine doesn't harangue me for things to fax. I like the old-school ones better.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
Sandwiches at The Baker's Oven are unlabelled today, presumably because their trained sandwich labeller is stuck in a snowdrift somewhere, wrapped shivering in a tartan blanket and sipping occasionally from a Thermos® of weak tea to stave off the imminent threat of cold death.

So I was left to identify the sandwich from its contents alone. I'm pleased to say that I was correct in spotting this as a chicken and bacon. Yes, I got it right today, but who can say what might happen tomorrow? Things are getting tough.
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
...bzzzt.... word coming in.... <pant> choir rehearsal cancelled tonight... 10min drive considered too hazardous... getting weaker... tea rations low... <white noise>...
 
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
 
It's not just the boring things like work that have been affected. The arts are also suffering from this climatological assault on our great nation.

Brian just rang me to see if I was okay, and to let me know that Pete has, regrettably, had to cancel tonight's play rehearsal. The whole of Act I wiped out, just like that.

Until Thursday, anyway.

What this will mean for the performance itself, only time will tell. The gods have played their hand -- it's now up to us to call, raise or fold. The wintry cards of doom are lying face up on the green baize of life. The chips of destiny are stacked against us. The roulette wheel spins. Rien ne va plus.

Les jeux sont faits.

[ 02.02.2009, 08:29: Message edited by: mart ]
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
Disaster has struck.

I don't work in the main Amex building, but in a smaller one across the road from it. The lady who runs the coffee shop in our building has been called across the road to help them out, meaning she has had to close the coffee shop here.

It also appears that the man who restocks the vending machines has been unable to get in and we are down to a couple of packets of Haribo Tangfastic and some Alpen bars left.

I thought surviving the week was going to be hard, but these new traumas suggest that making it to 5pm is going to be touch and go. If I want caffeine, I'm going to have to buy it from the coffee machine, which is nowhere near as good as the stuff from the coffee shop. Or... I'd have to thow myself into the eye of the storm and cross the road to the main building.

Although I think I could make it there, I suspect if I give an inclincation I'm going I'll be given at least three other orders for tea and coffee. This means that I'll have to get one of those cardboard things that holds four coffee cups and there is no way to move swiftly on snow when carrying one of those with four fully laden cups of tea. I'd be picked off by the velociraptors in seconds.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
When Waitrose delivered our weekly shop yesterday, we were surprised to find six 2L bottles of highland spring water that we hadn't ordered. It's almost as if they knew this was coming and gave us essential supplies in case our pipes were to freeze. Now that's what I call customer cervix.
 
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
 
My God, how bad is it over there? I just got a call from my son saying the school buses are leaving early today. It sounded like complete chaos. In the background I could hear a teacher frantically shouting orders about whether to take a Jones Coaches bus at 14:45 or a Bullocks Coaches bus at 15:10. I just pray he makes it.

Look, he sent me a picture of Stockport Bus Station from his mobile phone.

 -
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
my colleague who lives in Atlanta just told me it's on the news over there.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
more transatlantic news as it comes in.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
back to the studio.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
(are we still live? Am I still on?)
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
I'm still here but we're getting reports of a mass evacuation of the campus scheduled for some time in the next hour or so. I'll try to keep this channel open as long as possible, before I switch on the beacon to tell people not to come by this way.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
For some reason most people seem to be leaving at 3.30 rather than doing a full days work. I've said that the best bet is just to sit it out for a couple of days. The choppers will be here soon with new inventory and the vending machines will be restocked, but people are struggling as they are unable to buy a can of coke and so are risking the blizzard.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I've just gotten back from the roof, having painted 'Alive Inside' on a bedsheet and hung it off the outside of the building. All I can do now is wait.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
I bet all those people who bought SUVs are feeling pretty clever now.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
To anyone that's still receiving this, Milton Keynes is now a no-go area. The whole town is covered by at least three inches of snow and more light-to-moderate showers are rolling in. The situation is desperate here and we're all bracing ourselves for the worst, but for your own sakes stay away. There is nothing you can do for us now.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
Some people across the road have rolled three balls of snow, each of different sizes. They have then stacked these up with the largest at the bottom, the medium sized one on top of that and finally then smallest one at the summit.

They have then adorned this sculpture with some twigs and stones. I assume that the snow has driven them crazy and they are trying to write a similar message to you Thorn, but have forgotten how to use language and are attempting to get safety by shapes. I pity for them, but I can't risk my own life by leaving my computer.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Actually, I know this behaviour you're talking about. Ive seen it with my own eyes. When cut off from society, it's well documented that people revert to the level of savages. In these situations, it's very common for them to develop a primitive religion based around the presence of some kind of snow deity which must be appeased by rolling snow into as large a ball possible. Sometimes these balls are then stacked two or three high and decorated to look like a crude image of the snow god.

Those poor bastards...
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
Things sound pretty desperate for some of you out in the provinces, but today London was the bollocks. First we went to Peckham Rye and built a massive snowman (nothing theatrical, dang), then an epic snowball fight where I was ganged up on and had to assert my authority as patriarch to compel the Masketeers to desist. Thereafter, I face-planted them both in the icy, icy snow. We came home for a breakfast of sausage sandwiches and hot choclolate, dried out and then headed off to Telegraph Hill for sledging, sliding and falling over. We got back and had more hot drinks, watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, and Liz baked a sponge. When the oven was clear I put in some pork to slow roast, we'll eat that after the late afternoon snow-session. I hope London Transport don't get their shit together by tomorrow, I'm enjoying myself too much. I need another day off to wind down.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
A car just skidded on the road outside my office, but the driver skilfully managed to regain control before anything unpleasant happened. It could've been really nasty though. I've seen children walk across that stretch of road in the past.

Children!
 
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
 
I've got bad news. According to this Times headline:

Britain to stay in grip cold snap after heaviest snow storm for 20 years

You heard right. It's going to stay like that for twenty years.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I'm sorry dang, but your pedant-ometer appears to be iced up. 'After' is a subordinating conjunction and consequently 'for twenty years' can only refer to the second clause ("heaviest snowstorm..."). In other words, The Times is correct and gramatically there's no way that sentence can mean what you're trying to force it to mean.
 
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
 
But Britain battles on! Despite the white peril menacing the very fabric of society as we know it, my visit to the dentist just now was in the very best spirit of our plucky little island.

It was, quite literally, a time for a stiff upper lip. I had to lie back and think of England as she proceeded to berate me for not flossing, gave me an upper right occlusal, and told me I need to see the hygienist as soon as possible.

We may be snowed in, people, but we can still get our teeth polished. A pearly white smile in the face of devastating adversity.

Come on Britain! Grin and bear it. This could be our finest hour.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mart:
We may be snowed in

lol. I had no idea that snow caused paralysis in the legs of the citizens of England. Fascinating.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
LOL. I'm a predictable, whiny **** .[/Ralph]
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Why do I get the impression that ralph is missing the point with a lot of these posts?
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
About an hour ago, people in our office who "have far to travel" were allowed to leave. Meanwhile, the rest of us are still here. Despite the fact the campus is all but deserted and there's now nobody left for us to actually support. Plus the temperatures are dropping and the icey slush which would be just an irritation is actually now becoming more dangerous on the roads. So I really don't understand why I and three other people in the office are still here.

I mean, I didn't think it was really right for anyone to go, but if people are being allowed to go, I don't see why I should be excluded from that.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
Why do I get the impression that ralph is missing the point with a lot of these posts?

No, I get the point. My responses are mostly due to some of the comments made about me prior to me even posting on this thread.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
So, wait, because some people anticipated things your would say, based on actual observations of things you've said before, you're now carrying out some kind of double irony whereby you make the exact kind of comments you were predicted to make in reply to comments which were, in themselves, a patiche of the kind of thing you would have taken the piss out of in the first place?
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
The snow in London is probably causing a lag in the internet.
 
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
 
I'll go put the kettle on.
 
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
 
One of my children just went outside and a death flake propelled itself right into his eye. I brushed it out with my bare hands. There seems to be no lasting effects, but, you know, just wanted to say thank God he's still alive.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
So, wait, because some people anticipated things your would say, based on actual observations of things you've said before, you're now carrying out some kind of double irony whereby you make the exact kind of comments you were predicted to make in reply to comments which were, in themselves, a patiche of the kind of thing you would have taken the piss out of in the first place?

Yes. I probably wouldn't have said anything otherwise. You have noone to blame but yourseleves.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
Oh who am I kidding...I would have been all over this natural disaster thread like white on rice...
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
I can't handle being PENNED up like this any more. It's driving me insane. It's dark outside so I can't see if the white devil is still falling from the sky, but I just don't care any more. I'm leaving this hellhole. I'm going out into this insanity and attempting to struggle through.

If I don't post tomorrow, you can all assume I've died.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
I'm going to risk taking a train home soon. I have no idea how it's going to stop if there's ice on the line. I should imagine it'll skid all the way down to Plymouth (which I reckon is down-hill from here) before coming to a hard stop at the buffers.

I'll have to bail out as it passes Newbury and just hope I land on something soft (like the portly gentleman who picks up rubbish from the platform) rather than rolling helplessly alongside the tracks, picking up ever more snow and crisp packets until I'm left resembling an abominable snowball sponsored by Walkers®.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Cherry In Hove don't be a bloody fool! You'll die out there for sure!
 
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
 
I've just read a headline on Yahoo "More Snow Sparks Warning"

Holy Shit! Snow SPARKS!, THIS IS THE APOCALYPSE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

[ 02.02.2009, 12:29: Message edited by: Tilde ]
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Aw, poor Roy doesn't understand.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Suckmonster really does come across as the most witless kind of schoolyard bully, doesn't he.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
yeah
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Yeah? You're witless.
D'y'want your head kicked in, you fuck?
 
Posted by Physic (Member # 195) on :
 
Despite the few of us who were actually in the office today all living within about 10-15 minutes walk we were told we could leave at lunchtime - cue 2 hours in the pub and now sitting at home in the warm drinking whisky macs and keeping fingers crossed for more snow [Smile]
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
 -
 
Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
 
It's pretty dire here too now. After chowing down on Steak and kidney pie, beans and mash and then having a nap, I had to brave heading out into the dry to catch a bus to the pub where I am now internetting and drinking guinness, and with the prospect of all the tram and bus systems acting normally, I can't see how I am not going to be able to get home in relative ease later.

I'm not knocking it - I ain't a fan of the snow
 
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
 
Apparently the local Oldies station shares ralph's opinion. They spent a full five minutes this evening making fun of the London "wimps."

I remember living in Austin, Texas when it snowed one year. The police department spokesperson sent out a message that anyone in an accident was only to call them if it was "life or death," because they couldn't handle the volume from all the people freaking out and crashing on the snowy roads.

I'd welcome a snowstorm that kept us housebound but didn't knock out our power and cable. Enjoy your forced vacation!
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
Well, it appears to have cleared up today... I can only assume that The snow had no resistance to the bacteria in our atmosphere to which we have long since become immune. Once they had breathed our air, germs, which no longer affect us, began to kill them. The end came swiftly. All over the world, their machines began to stop and fall. After all that men could do had failed, the snow was destroyed and humanity was saved by the littlest things, which God, in His wisdom, had put upon this Earth.
 
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
 
Good old God. He really does think of everything, doesn't He. I can't actually think of anything He hasn't already thought of. Filthy old bastard.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
I'm still working from home anyway, because nobody else seems to be able to commute into the office.

I haven't left the house since saturday night.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I'm in quite a serious amount of pain today. I braved the worst snow conditions that Britain has seen in 18 years to go and see Soulfy, and found myself in the most bruising moshpit I've seen for years. Soon as the band hits the stage, an arm arced round, caught me full across the shoulders and knocked me flat out like a nine pin. I'd felt like the art of the moshpit was sort of dying out, but this was brutal - fists, elbows, circle pits and wall of death. Feel like I've been worked over with a bat. Been a long time since I felt completely out of my depth at one of these things.
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
I battled through clear roads and empty tubes to get to work, only to find that half the staff still 'can't get in'. As we're in Canary Wharf, and these people live in such outlying areas as Bow and Hackney, one can only sympathise.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
I've got a very minor headache that's probably the result of breathing the same air for days. Apart from that, no pain.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
What about the pain of being a man? Surely that's ever-present.
 
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
 
What is a man? What has he got?
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Hey does anyone want to talk to me about bike tyres?
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
fuck I tell you what, I had fucked up dreams last night. Real nasty. I dreamed that I had been caught by the mob doing some kind of embezzling of their money. I was found out by a low level mob guy, and I had to kill him. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to if I was to live. So I think I drowned him or something, and went on living in fear.

Eventually a mob 'cleaner' turned up to kill me. He had a load of weapons and he came in and I was hanging out with this woman who had been involved in the embezzling. So the guy comes in and he's like, well, I'm going to kill you guys, but because I quite like you, you can chose how you die. Then he slashed the throat of the woman, blood everywhere. I decided I didn't want that so I chose to be shot in the head, one shot.

Anyway, I kind of lean over, close my eyes, and feel the barrel against the side of my head. I'm like, well, I don't really want to die, but I suppose I can't get out of it, and this shouldn't be too bad. And then the dude pulls the trigger and I fall to the floor. I'm momentarily relieved because I'm still alive, and then it hits me that I've been shot in the head and I'm still alive, and that this is now going to be awful. I can't stand up. My vision is all blurry, like I'm looking at the world through the bottom of a pint glass. I can feel my brain hanging over the front of my head. I kind of crawl a bit, and I find I can't speak, only mouth words. I can hear. With some effort I lift my hands to my head and hold the part of my brain that's flopped out of my shattered skull. It's like a piece of fish before it's cooked - heavy and slimy, trying to get away from my hands. I kind of lift and gingerly put it back in my skull more, but my fingers slip and they go in the brain, and suddenly I lose the hearing in my right ear and I realise I just fucking poked through that bit of my brain. All I want is to die at this point, but the hitman sort of leans over and says "one bullet... you've had your one bullet", and then leaves. So I'm just crawling around very very slowy with my brain hanging out, really dreading the remainder of my life. Just this sense of how terribly wrong and unnatural my life had gone, how different to what I'd expected and planned, how I really never wanted to have to hold my own brain in my hands, and the absolute longing for death, but I couldn't kill myself because I couldn't move.

That's when I woke up.

[ 03.02.2009, 06:19: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
god it was awful. Very relieved to wake up from that one.
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
Jesus.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
I worry about you, Steve. I really do.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
I've been having nightmares almost every night for some time now, but that was a new low/high, simply because I really lived it. I can remember it all, like it's a real memory. I can still feel the sense of everything having gone wrong, and it's kind of like a sense of regret, but there's also a cleanliness to it, because there's no going back, nothing matters once you're in that state. Only that moment exists, the past is of no consequence.

[ 03.02.2009, 06:33: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
 
Sounds awesome
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
yeah, pretty rad.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
I slept on the sofa the other night because Kate was working night shift and I quite often fall asleep with the TV on in these situations.

Anyway, I was having a dream where my friend and I had decided to have nose jobs (I have no idea whether this was because there was something on TV about that that was permeating my subconscious).

I bumped into my sister and asked whether she thought I should get a nose job and she though it was a great idea, so my friend and I went to this place.

It was bizarre. It had a swimming pool, but there were loads of loose wires hanging from the ceiling and hanging into the water with electrical sparks shooting about. The place where they were doing the operations was in the same room, but just had some padded floors with spikes in and hospital trolleys.

There was a bath next to one of these that was absolutely full of blood and I could see someones legs sticking out but the rest of their body was under the blood. The doctor was like some sort of medieval torturer with similar tools, but my friend decided he was still going to go and have his operation.

I was stood there watching as he lay down on the hospital table, and without an operation the doctor got a pair of pliars and just ripped his septum out. His nose collapsed and was just flapping about on his face, and then he was dumped into a bath which started to fill with the blood that was pouring out of his face.

I decided that this was still a good idea so got up on a hospital table, the doctor got his pliars and clamped onto my septum and fortunately that was when I woke up.

That was some bizarre shit.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
maybe this snow isn't normal snow. It's the Snow of Madness. We're going to go all Event Horizon up in the place.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
I didn't suffer any odd dreams last night at all.

Though apparently in my sleep theother night I told my girlfriend she was going to get stabbed. When she asked if I was awake or talking in my sleep (something I've never done before) apparently I replied that I was just talking about a computer game. WTF.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I raped my friend's wife. There was a moment, just after things had gotten underway where I'd realised I'd comitted to a course of action that I couldn't undo, and that I'd have to kill her when I was done. After that the whole dream was just mounting paranoia and guilt. Everyone was really upset, obviously, and I kept feeling wretched for the misery I'd caused them. And then their line of questioning to me became increasingly suspicious and aggressive, like they were all beginning to suspect that I'd had something to do with her horrible death. Anyway, it was a genuine relief waking up from that and thinking "You know what... I don't think I will rape my friend's wife after all", and then going about my daily business feeling like I'd dodged a bullet.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
 -

Eyes? Where we're going, we don't need...eyes.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
Though apparently in my sleep theother night I told my girlfriend she was going to get stabbed. When she asked if I was awake or talking in my sleep (something I've never done before) apparently I replied that I was just talking about a computer game. WTF.

Is it common knowledge that you have a girlfriend? I don't think I was aware of this. Congratulations Ringo!
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
I don't know. i thought I'd mentioned her before. We've been together for a few months now, but for various reasons weren't making it public knowledge.

Whough obviously if I keep prophesising her violent death in my sleep, it's probably not destined to last that long.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
but for various reasons weren't making it public knowledge

Reasons such as???

eta: congrats btw.

[ 03.02.2009, 07:05: Message edited by: ralph ]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Such as it being our business and not anyone else's?
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
perhaps she's an illegal immigrant.
 
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
Such as it being our business and not anyone else's?

This never flies. Are you now working in a witness protection scheme? Does the Sultan know his daughter is missing? You met at her 15th birthday party? She is Quato AICM£5?
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
After everything we're done for you, this is how you repay us? With secrecy and deceit?
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
The less people who know about you and her the less fingers pointing your way when they find her torso in the boot of a burnt out MX5?
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
You can't fit a human torso in the boot of an MX5. Unless it's from a *very* tiny girl. And if memory serves, Ringo prefers a bit of meat on the bones.

[ 03.02.2009, 07:47: Message edited by: ralph ]
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
Is it the chick who was sitting next to you in the drifting pics? Thought that was a bit fishy. Just a friend... my arse. Only a loyal, new girlfriend would put herself through such an ordeal.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
The less people who know about him and his midget, 5 year old, girlfriend the less fingers pointing his way when they find her tiny little torso in the boot of a burnt out MX5?
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by herbs:
Only a loyal, new girlfriend would put herself through such an ordeal.

Are you referring to the drifting or sleeping with Ringo? [Confused]
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
but for various reasons weren't making it public knowledge

Reasons such as???

eta: congrats btw.

I suppose, the less people who know, the less likely some psychotic fuck's to board an aeroplane, fly to the UK, kidnap and subject you both to his sick, vicious torture, before slowly eating you both alive, piece by agonising piece.

Just sayin'.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Suckmonster:
I suppose, the less people who know, the less likely some psychotic fuck's to board an aeroplane, fly to the UK, kidnap and subject you both to his sick, vicious torture, before slowly eating you both alive, piece by agonising piece.

Just sayin'.

Couldn't you just drive? [Confused]
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
FEWER people, FEWER. I know the snow's been tough, but we mustn't let it turn us into savages.

[ 03.02.2009, 07:57: Message edited by: herbs ]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Well she only recently broke up with her partner of 5 years, with whom she had a mortgage etc. Because of circumstance, she was corced to continue cohabiting with him for some time after they broke up, and he already suspected that I had played a part in their breakup (which I didn't) so to come out with it the moment we started seeing each other would have lit the touch paper on what was already a pretty volatile situation. So it was better simply to not mention it at all.

Also, people are nosy, and sometimes you don't feel it's necessary to have to explain every detail of your life repeatedly to everbody who demands to know your business like its their right or something. y'know?

Anyway, yeah, it's the girl in the photo. Her name's Reema.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
Does she, y'know? A bit? Dogging, that sort of business, ever? Is she a passenger window down or firmly wound up kind of girl? Is what I'm saying.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
good grief. sorry for prying, Ringo.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
You've been prying Ringo? Is there no end to your perversions Ralph? You the man!
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
Her name's Reema.

Think of the puns!
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
I've been trying not to. [Frown]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
Her name's Reema.

Think of the puns!
Already been well covered I can assure you
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:
Originally posted by Ringo:
Her name's Reema.

Think of the puns!
Already been well covered I can assure you
Nice...
ETA: Even the thread title is a pun.

[ 03.02.2009, 08:35: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Living with someone after you've broken up with them is really brilliant. Especially if you still have to share a bed. The claustraphobia and tension can become quite extraordinary.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
also the awkwardness after some sleepy middle-of-the-night sex.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
No? Okay.
 
Posted by Cherry In Hove (Member # 49) on :
 
I found the sex when I was living with an ex was pretty damn good with both of them. Probably worth breaking up for.q
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I've never had sex with an ex that I lived with, but I was considering posting up something like "Yeah, sex with your ex is great, especially when you go back to them after a couple of months with someone else", just to wind Ringo up. Then I thought her probably woulnd't even notice/ care, so I didn't bother. So that's a history of a post that never happened.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
It's probably happening in some alternate TMO board somewhere else, with an alternate Ringo having an angry, yet oddly satisfying, wank at the thought of Reema back with her ex just a week or two after he threatened to kill her in his sleep....
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Doing it on the bonnet of his Mazda while he's at work.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I know these posts look disrespectful, but really I've posted them with the utmost reverence.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
I used to fancy a girl called Reema at my old 6th form college. She really used to look down on me. It's not her is it?

[ 03.02.2009, 10:04: Message edited by: McDirts ]
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Did you ream her? (Up her bum.) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You fuckers don't deserve this kind of wit. Eh, Thonro.

nudges Thorno
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
for shame
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
So, ah, it's snowing here again. The snow should have well settled in by the time I have to go drive 45 miles to pick up my daughter later this afternoon. In a 6-year-old rear-drive car, too. Hope I manage to keep it from sliding into the ditch and flipping over so I am forced to spend a week pinned under 3000 pounds of steel drinking the water created by the snow landing on my forehead. The fact that I've been driving in this type of weather for 20 years does nothing to blunt the cold fear. Cold, snowy fear.

[ 03.02.2009, 14:26: Message edited by: froopyscot ]
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
Something truly terrible just happened. This snow... it's a slap in the face, you knnow? Sometimes you need that, to wake you up, to make you realise the sort of gifted life you lead. To remind you what you take for granted. I've just been slapped. Drawn up short, stopped in my tracks. I realise now what a tenuous lifeline we all cling to, how fragile is this life we lead..? I trudged down to my local Londis, through the sludge. Headed over to the chiller cabinets, looked them over, searched and searched and searched... my heart sank. No Scrumpy Jack. I asked the proprietor, he has no idea when any new stock will arrive. We're stranded here, cut off. I realise now, starkly, how very far we are from society, from civilization. It could be days, DAYS, before any more cider arrives. I'll... I'll just have to find some hidden depths, draw on some atavistic reserve of strength, drink lagr for a few days. Anything. Anything.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Same here. I punched an old lady in the face for the last bottle of Cava, the only alcoholic beverage left in the shop. Seriously, I've gone into Jack Bauer mode. I snapped the necks of two foreign-looking sorts on the way back from the shop.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
The foreign looking ones are the worst. They'd have had your Cava off you without a thought of whether you'd some hot tapas already prepared at home to serve with it.
What would your wife and friends have said when you staggered in, bleeding, collar torn and cava less?
"Suckmonster, my god, not those foreigns again! What are we to do with these croquetas and morcilla now?"
Actually, that was a really stupid supposition - 'wife and friends'? Sorry.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Jack Bauer can't afford the luxury of friends. Jack Bauer's the only one who's gonna make it through this shitstorm. (Made of snow.) He'd kill and eat all you motherfuckers and those you hold dear before you could say "holy nuclear footballs".

I am Jack Bauer, The Resurrection and The Light.

[ 04.02.2009, 08:02: Message edited by: Suckmonster ]
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
who's Jack Bauer? Does he make food processors?
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Interesting you should say that because Jack Bauer, when he's in the kitchen, can actually karate chop food into mulch 1,000 times faster than the fastest food processor currently available.
McDirts, given that your shit is locked down reasonably tight, I'd let you tag along with me for a bit. Yes, I'll kill you eventually (so in a sense you'd be a walking packed lunch), but you could coast along in my cataclysmic wake for a bit, picking at my leftovers and fattening yourself up nicely.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
In a gay way?
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
Well, yes, it goes without saying that you'd be subjected to the most heinous sexual torture imaginable before ending up in the pot. The bulk of the torture though will be good, ole-fashioned slow slicing, you'll be relieved to hear.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
I used to have a film that featured slwo-slicing. Chinese Torture Chamber Story 2. Benway borrowed it and never gave it back.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
I'm guessing it was one of these so-bad-it's-amusing films? I've seen Evil Dead Trap which is claimed to be ultra-shocking and so on, but is so chock-full of cliches and bargain basement special effects it ends up being borderline hilarious.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Suckmonster:
The bulk of the torture though will be good, ole-fashioned slow slicing, you'll be relieved to hear.

quote:
However, Elkins also argues that, contrary to the apocryphal version of "death by a thousand cuts", the actual process could not have lasted long, the condemned could likely not have remained conscious and aware (if even living) after one or two severe wounds, and the entire process could not have included more than a "few dozen" wounds.
Cuh. What a let down.

What you need is a drill motor attached to a cat-o-nine tails, each of which is equipped with double edged razors. Assuming nine cuts per rotation, and let's say a 2,000 rpm drill, this little beauty could dish out roughly 300 lacerations per second.

PM me for order info.
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
It was with some optimism that I went outside this morning, determined to get to work

 -
 -
 -

Alas, I tried to turn the car round to get out of my estate and promptly got stuck. Thankfully a neighbour was kind enough to give me a push to unstick it but I thought sod it, parked the car up and walked to work instead.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
Yeah...an MX5 isn't exactly a good car to drive in the snow. I had to abandon mine a few times when a storm kind of snuck up on me. You made the right decision regarding walking to work.

Nice to see you sprung for the hardtop. [Cool]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
I walked in again today. walking across the playing fields, the snow was about halfway up my shins. Anyway, walked all thay way in the drifting snow, only to find that the university is closing at 12 and people are being told they can leave if they feel they need to.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
Disregarding the US mega-snow that burns and freezes simultaneously and the Americans who laughingly romp in it naked and unscathed, I felt genuinely frightened cycling in this morning. Even the main roads were iced up and the bike kept sliding out of control. Although most people were taking it slow and sensible, there was still one driver (BMW, natch) who interpreted my right hand signal as an invitation to overtake me on my right hand side as I made my maneuver. This happens to me pretty much every day, and I'm sure it's the same guy. I've taken to flicking V-signs at him as he drives off. One day I want haul him out the window and break his fucking face because while it's annoying most of the time, doing it on ice is FUCKING IDIOTIC. Anyway. I walked most of the rest of the way.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
Disregarding the US mega-snow that burns and freezes simultaneously and the Americans who laughingly romp in it naked and unscathed

I don't recall ever saying this about the US snowfall. Link or stfu.

But seriously Thorn...please try to explain something to me. The English are famous for thier ability to discuss the weather. What exactly is it they discuss? Crikey...that was some thick fog last night [Confused]

Sorry you almost got run over this morning. I'd miss you.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
The English are famous for thier ability to discuss the weather. What exactly is it they discuss? Crikey...that was some thick fog last night [Confused]

Yeah, pretty much that. What the weather was like, what it might be like later in the week. It's just a safe small talk subject. You know, say you're making a cup of coffee, and a colleague walks in who you don't really have a rapport with. You know that a studied silence is going to come off as aloof, so you just say "Cold last night, wasn't it?" and they can reply "Yes. I hear it's going to get worse next week, too." Nice and safe, and eases the tension. I'm sure Americans have similar topics that are equally banal. Or maybe not. Maybe when you're with someone you don't really know you just look them dead in the eye and say without inflection "I'm in therapy because my dad molested me" and then just keep holding their gaze as you stir your coffee.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
Yeah, pretty much that. What the weather was like, what it might be like later in the week. It's just a safe small talk subject. You know, say you're making a cup of coffee, and a colleague walks in who you don't really have a rapport with. You know that a studied silence is going to come off as aloof, so you just say "Cold last night, wasn't it?" and they can reply "Yes. I hear it's going to get worse next week, too." Nice and safe, and eases the tension. I'm sure Americans have similar topics that are equally banal. Or maybe not. Maybe when you're with someone you don't really know you just look them dead in the eye and say without inflection "I'm in therapy because my dad molested me" and then just keep holding their gaze as you stir your coffee.

But your weather isn't generally the slightest bit interesting. I mean the recent snow you received was the worst storm in 18 years?

I don't know about all Americans, but in my place of business we tend to discuss the economy a lot these days...as well as old standards such as how the local sports club did the previous evening or have you checked out the tits on the receptionist on the 8th floor sort of thing.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
But your weather isn't generally the slightest bit interesting.

Right, but the point isn't to discover new information or have an interesting conversation. It's just about putting both parties at ease. For example, if someone started talking to me about the local sports club, I'd be at a disadvantage because I don't follow sport. Weather is the all time safe ground because everyone has experience of it.

It's not all we talk about or anything, but I think it's just become a ubiquitous safety net if you're a bit uncertain about the person you're talking to.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Thorn Davis:
Right, but the point isn't to discover new information or have an interesting conversation. It's just about putting both parties at ease. For example, if someone started talking to me about the local sports club, I'd be at a disadvantage because I don't follow sport. Weather is the all time safe ground because everyone has experience of it.

It's not all we talk about or anything, but I think it's just become a ubiquitous safety net if you're a bit uncertain about the person you're talking to.

Your answer only leads to more questions. Why does everyone need to be put at ease? Why so uptight, dude? Is it something in the climate there? The diet perhaps?
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
ralph is such a fucking moron.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 


[ 06.02.2009, 07:27: Message edited by: ralph ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
I never know how to respond when people try and make small talk. I always assume that they want some kind of interesting answer from me, so I either A) stumble around for a joke or penetrating insight, fail, and then respond with something entirely inappropriate or B) give up before I start, and just go 'yeah....' or 'no...' and then leave a too-long pause just hanging there, until the whole thing is brought to a painful conclusion with a 'hmmm'.

[ 06.02.2009, 07:37: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
This kind of thing tends to go down at the coffee machine. Recent example, I'm standing there watching my coffee being dispensed by the machine and a fairly senior partner walks up and stands next to me for a while. I can see him wondering if I'm going to dispense a few drinks or just the one. He says like 'will you be long' or something So I say "Only two more drinks, then I'm done for the day!", meaning that I'm getting a round in, so I won't need to get any more coffee myself for the rest of the day. Why else would I be getting four coffees? He takes this to mean I'm leaving work for the day, and this is about 10.30am, so he goes "done for the day...?" I fail to understand him for slightly too long, and then go "No, I mean, I won't have to get any more coffees, because I'm getting them for other people...and...they'll get me coffees...so..." and he's just looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot and the whole thing seems to leave him angry, and me just very awkward. All because I tried to boost my initial functional reply about if I'm going to be long at the coffee machine with a more personal piece of information. Terrible. And this is how every piece of small talk always seems to go.

[ 06.02.2009, 07:47: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
Man I should try and get a gig writing for curb your enthusiasm. I'm a fucking pro at crafting hilarious slice'o'life anecdotes. But that incredible scene actually took place, about three weeks ago.

[ 06.02.2009, 07:52: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
That senior partner sounds like the fucking idiot. You should've just screamed and screamed in his face, flecking him with spittle, screaming and screaming until you were purple and hoarse.
 
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
 
Anyway ralph, our weather is quite interesting. Being both an island, and in the gulf stream, the weather changes all the time, from day to day and hour by hour. Sometimes weird shit happens like snow in April, or tornadoes in Dudley. It's not like the boring old USofA, where it's 27degC April to September, 0degC October to March, and you can what date it is by the depth of snow.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
last night at the pub I went outside for a cigarette and I didn't have a light. There were two blind dudes are having a cigarette and chatting, and I asked if I could get a light. Dude gives me a light, and he says something about sleet and weather, and I tell him, yeah, this is like only the second time I've left my house since saturday! and these two blinds just stand there in silence, squinting and rolling their eyes, and I think, fuck maybe that sounds weird, so I say 'you know, in case I fall over', and then realise that I'm probably heading in an even worse direction, so I go silent too, and we're all standing there in the sleet or whatever, and nobody is saying anything, and I sort of sidle off, and they continue to stand there in silence for some time, as if they haven't realised that I've now left the conversation. Should I have said "okay I'm now walking over here, continue to talk between yourselves!"? Either way, another complete failure.

[ 06.02.2009, 08:12: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
oy! I'm such a putz.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
okay I'll stop now. As you were.
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
I think it's often a question of tone and body language rather than the actual content of what you say that's the problem.

Roy, I know you're all "ironic" (aka pretending to act like a twunt deliberately), but really you are such a typical parochial American, that it's quite dispiriting.
 
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
 
The worst is when you're lumbered with someone who doesn't understand the small talk rules. You say, "Hi, how're things?" and they go, "Well, I've got eye-cancer and the treatment is really painful. They have to stick a syringe in my YADDA-YADDA-YADDA..." and you're left thinking, "Eye-cancer's the least of your fucking troubles, you thoughtless wittering **** !"
 
Posted by Suckmonster (Member # 8246) on :
 
In those situations it's entirely comme il faut to punch them in the throat.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
The worst bit of small talk I ever attempted was in a Youth Hostel in Austria. It ended with me leaving a group of Dutch students with the impression that I was sympathetic to the Nazi's cause and that they were a broadly misunderstood bunch of guys.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
- hey man, hey, would you like to take some drag on this? It will will blow your testicles off, yes?!

- I like Hitler, you know. A lot.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
It was a bit more convuluted than that. I wouldn't just come out with it like that. On the plus side though it did make me realise in my own head that that I actually didn't respect the Nazis.
 
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
 
I used to vaguely know this guy who had failed to master small talk to an amazing degree. He once walked up to me in a club and said ” Hello Abby, I am not having a very interesting time tonight, so I would like to have an interesting conversation with you. You may choose the topic…..(long pause as I am unable to form any words at all)… Hmm…ok that was not so interesting either. I will go over here now”
It was awesome.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
- hey man, hey, would you like to take some drag on this? It will will blow your testicles off, yes?!

- Sure, thanks

- so are you visiting much of Europe, or just in Austria?

- I'm a big fan of fascism. I really like it.
 
Posted by McDirts (Member # 6680) on :
 
A bit closer.
I think it kicked off with some innocuous comment about the price the Austrian Hostel was charging for their beer, however we were all stoned, which didn't help my diatribe.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
weed is good for that kind of thing isn't it. I especially like the part where, while sitting with some relative strangers, you suddenly realise that in fact it's true, you really are a fascist, you've always been one, everybody has always known that you are, that's why they look at you funny, but you never realised until just this second. Hoooo shit, son - your whole life has been a massive delusion. You've never been aware of who you really are. Only now have you broken through the veil of lies. You are utterly alone in the world. Everybody thinks you're a freak. You have to leave here now, now, but don't raise any suspicions. Act normal.

little bit of stoner humour for you there. Remember to tip your waitress.

[ 06.02.2009, 09:17: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
readers, did you know that 80s silver-haired comedian Steve Martin had a joint in the 70s that gave him a nervous breakdown? He was left with lingering paranoia and phobias for twenty years. Think about that next time you 'spark up' a 'spliffy'.
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Black Mask:
That senior partner sounds like the fucking idiot. You should've just screamed and screamed in his face, flecking him with spittle, screaming and screaming until you were purple and hoarse.

Yes. This. Also, you might try throwing the coffees at him, though this may be a waste of perfectly good coffee.
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
I'm starting to understand why the senior people at the office tend to avoid me.
 
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
 
the coffee from the machine is pretty fucking far from perfectly good.
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Abby:
I used to vaguely know this guy who had failed to master small talk to an amazing degree. He once walked up to me in a club and said ” Hello Abby, I am not having a very interesting time tonight, so I would like to have an interesting conversation with you. You may choose the topic…..(long pause as I am unable to form any words at all)… Hmm…ok that was not so interesting either. I will go over here now”
It was awesome.

I was going through a difficult time, ok?
 
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts:
Dude gives me a light, and he says something about sleet and weather, and I tell him, yeah, this is like only the second time I've left my house since saturday! and these two blinds just stand there in silence, squinting and rolling their eyes,

Think about how awful that must have been for them though. How would you feel if you were on your way home from a pub, and then a disembodied voice floated out of the darkness and started talking you about how he never left the house and anyone who left the house, like you had, was risking a terrible accident, and the voice seemed to be coming from everywhere, and whereever you looked you couldn't see anyone, and you weren't even sure if your friend was still there. You must have terrified them.
 


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