[ 21.02.2006, 11:22: Message edited by: Benny the Ball ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Oh man, the picture's not showing up for me, oh woe is me
Ah, it is now, nice picture - I like.. Oooo, nice ring, nice beard, nice stairs, nice lady... Nice.
[ 21.02.2006, 11:25: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
it's because I'm a tard and don't remember how to put it onto the thing that lets you bring up a photo as a page, and then put it on here, or whatever - have changed it to a link now
Posted by omikin (Member # 37) on :
cheer up darryn - at least you haven't forked out the best part of £300 on rubberware today.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Posted by Purple Monkey Dishwasher (Member # 867) on :
Bit late, but here goes:
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Old Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
Ok, so Im taking part in this clincal trial at the moment, which today involved me eating a Weight Watchers Creamy chicken and mushroom pasta dish. It was fucking minging. Really, like very viscous cup’a soup. If people want to eat non-lardy food then making an integrally lardy dish (i.e. pasta and cream) into a non lardy version is not the way forward. Because it will ming. Anyway…that wasn’t the cheering bit. After I ate it I had to sit about and have a blood test every half hour for a bit. That also isn’t cheering, unless you like that sort of thing. But while sitting about we got to watch daytime TV…also not good…but…there was a documentary about a safari park, and they had a lady otter (cute!) who’s mate had died (sad!) and she was getting all bleak. So they got her a new little boy otter. When they put his box in the pen and opened the door he was all peeking out and looking nervous and she was all sniff sniff…what this then? and there was a lot of nervous twitching towards each other. Then they had a proper sniff and then went and played in the water together. Then they were sitting on a rock and she was kind of resting her tail on his back – like an otter hug! Now that was cheering!
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
abby, what company you doing this med trial with?
is it easy money?
pretty please
vikramahl[@t]gmail[d0t]com
[ 21.02.2006, 16:21: Message edited by: vikram ]
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
It is just at work (Hammersmith Hospital). The deal is turn up from 8.30-9 am eat the given food stuff, stick pins in your fingers at intervals to test blood sugar for 2 hours post consumption. Recieve £25.
Probably only worth the effort if you work in the same building, but I can send you the contact details?
I have Weight Watchers lasagne tommorrow morning. Bleurk.
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
thanks!
nah not worth going across town for £25, but i'm working a bit at royal brompton over the next couple of months, so maybe i'll see if they have anything on. cheers, abby.
quote:Originally posted by Abby: I have Weight Watchers lasagne tommorrow morning. Bleurk.
The Tescos healthy eating ones are really nice! I like most of the reduced fat microwave meals actually. Low fat soups are just wrong though.
[ 21.02.2006, 16:34: Message edited by: vikram ]
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Abby, if they have the same channel on today during your trial, will you let us know how the otters are getting on?
I fear that heartwarming story may be the best part of my day.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I guess that's a stupid question. I'll just look you up on internal mail. That'll be a riot.
Stalking is rad. There she is. With her lab coat all starched up.
[ 22.02.2006, 05:04: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
quote: Abby, if they have the same channel on today during your trial, will you let us know how the otters are getting on?
I fear that heartwarming story may be the best part of my day.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I forgot to put all the text in!.....
Hah!!!
Today we had a programme where junkies go cold turkey on live TV! While their charming families get interviewed by Krishan whatsit in the studio. Excellent - teenage girls watching a live feed of there mother rolling about in a clinic bed groaning and sweating. Then they got given an opiate receptor antagonist which made them all flip out even more.
This is possibly the lowest reality TV I have ever heard of.
Followed by a programme charting the rise of pro-anorexia websites and interviews with messed up young girls. The irony of talking about secretly flushing your dinner down the toilet on TV was lost apparently.
I have just spent a while looking at pictures of otters on the internet to recover.
Posted by Doctor Agamemnon When (Member # 189) on :
As an old friend used to tell me, "You can't go wrong with a bit of panda wanking."
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Lol. Doctor When has sullied the cutest thing on the internet. And now he is going to hell.
Posted by Doctor Agamemnon When (Member # 189) on :
I had my ticket booked years ago. I asked for a window seat, but apparently they've all been taken by important Catholics.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
After what you've just done to the Cutest Thing on the Internet, I'm sure they'll bump Shipman back down to purgatory class to make room for you.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
lol
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
quote:Originally posted by Abby: ...they had a lady otter (cute!) whose mate had died (sad!) and she was getting all bleak. So they got her a new little boy otter. When they put his box in the pen and opened the door he was all peeking out and looking nervous and she was all sniff sniff…what this then? and there was a lot of nervous twitching towards each other. Then they had a proper sniff and then went and played in the water together. Then they were sitting on a rock and she was kind of resting her tail on his back – like an otter hug! Now that was cheering!
I didn't find that cheering, I found it really depressing. I thought about it loads last night. While I was painting the Gel Kil-Rock onto the limescale on the taps. While I was shelling peas into the vegetable paella I was making for my sister, who was curled up in bed all poorly and sore throaty. Then I got it. I was jealous of the female otter. So unfair, I thought to myself. She gets a new otter just fucking hand-delivered as soon as her old otter dies. Why can't that just, like, happen in everyday life? Where's my hand-delivered rebound otter? Why isn't someone looking after my emotional needs the way someone is looking after hers? Is an otter more important than me? And then I thought, you're jealous of an otter, you spastic trollop. And then I went to bed, safe in the knowledge that the boundaries of a new low had been tested.
[ 22.02.2006, 08:16: Message edited by: London ]
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
at least you haven't drunk your own piss! Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
This is true. At least I haven't drunk my own piss.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
You have a point. Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
omg that's so fucking cute.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
Sweet Fuckle Crisp.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Yuck. Barbelith humour.
Much better, I think, are these grim cautionary tales on B3ta. I especially liked the one about the guy's dad. Grimola!
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
B3ta is banned from my work's web filter, on the grounds that it has been classified as "Tasteless/Gross".
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: B3ta is banned from my work's web filter, on the grounds that it has been classified as "Tasteless/Gross".
I'll help you out, H1.
quote: Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer:
billy and mandy rude pics bitch boner boobs breists cock coming out poo crap dick doing a poo fanney fanny fuck gay gay gay boy gay men gay peoplehaving sex girls grim & evile rude pics haveing sex haveing a poo homer sex homer sexy lesbian lesbians lesbian and gay maggie sexy maggie simpson maggie simpson bum maggie simpson bum showing maggie simpson naked maggie simpson sexy maggie simpson with bum out marge sexy men naked men naked women nakid wimen new poop peeing penus pinus pissing pole dancer pole dancer porn pole sex poo poo coming out poo poo pooing poop poopoo sex sex sceen sexing sexy sexy men sexy thing shag shit simpsons sex simpsons lisa porn simpsons naked simpsons rude pics simpsons totally naked take your clothes off to have sex undressed wimen vigina viginadick weeing wet tshirt willy wimen no clothes
I have emboldened some of the more bizarre. Notice - lots of dirty searches for baby Maggie Simpson, but only one for eight year old Lisa.
sexything is my favourite. I imagine the kid locking his bedroom door, sitting down, breaking open a new jar of vaseline and thinking "Right - what do I want to find? I know. Something sexy. A sexy thing. Google will help me out..."
[ 23.02.2006, 08:16: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
My favourite is new poop. No old poop for me, nosiree.
Posted by Purple Monkey Dishwasher (Member # 867) on :
breists fanney haveing sex nakid wimen penus pinus sex sceen sexing undressed wimen vigina viginadick
Quite endearing, in a funny kind of way...
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
I know I'm a fine one to talk, but it's hardly surprising that childe can't spell when it's Aunt/Uncle doesn't know the difference between grammar and spelling.
Posted by omikin (Member # 37) on :
are you posting that with a straight face, br?
Posted by Boy Racer (Member # 498) on :
my face is never straight, Om.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
Posted by Purple Monkey Dishwasher (Member # 867) on :
Benny, why have you posted a semy-dressd wimen?
Posted by LowLevel (Member # 30) on :
Isn't it Lin(d)say Lohan?
Dazzluh-bwoi's favourity lumpy-jumper?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
