Whilst out on my lunch break earlier today I had the good fortune to be standing in the Croydon branch of Virgin Megastore, where they were playing the song 'Welcome To The Jungle' by popular rock and roll band, Guns 'And' Roses.
For a moment the song brought a smile to my face, as I'm sure it would you. The 17 years since its release have failed to blunt its exuberance. However, my enjoyment was curtailed by the fact it reminded me of I request (or prayer, to use your jumped-up marketing speak) I made when I first heard the song at the age of 11. I seem to remember praying, long and hard and on several occasions that "when I grew up could I please be in a world famous rock and roll band, hang out, take drugs and bang the living fuck out of hot chicks". I'm quoting verbatim from the prayer, here.
Today I realised that I am in fact grown up and I couldn't help noticing that rather than being a sex god, I'm a bit paunchy with cheap clothes. Instead of my job involving me rocking out, being violent and getting gob jobs from groupies til they puke, I write marketing copy for an engineering company. As for hanging out and taking drugs? Last night I decided against drinking a third bottle of Corona lest it mean I need to get up in the middle of the night to take a piss (to add insult to injury THIS HAPPENED ANYWAY!).
So - what the fuck's going on here 'God'? What happened to my rock star lifestyle? I've been looking forward to this for 17 years now, and it seems as though you've let me down - plunged me into disappointment. In fact your product 'Life' seems to be little more than a continuing series of disappointments, each more bitter than the last. As time goes on I've demanded less and less of you and each time you've failed in everything except confirming my suspicion that you're nothing more than a fly-by-night cowboy. You may wish to know I've sent a copy of this letter to the BBC television programme 'Watchdog'. I don't expect a reply, as you've never given me anything else.
Kind regards
Thorn Davis
God Replies
Dear Thorn
Thank you for your letter. We are sorry to hear you are dissatisfied with the level of service you have received from God.
However, having investigated your original request, we would like to draw your attention to the following: -
- God helps those who help themselves. We note that you didn't even start playing a musical instrument until the age of 17, and even then it was a bass guitar. Whoever gets famous playing bass? Sting? I'm afraid the decision had already been taken at an executive level not to let any more people like Sting on the planet.
- Alongside that point, we did wonder how comitted you were to the dream of rock stardom, drugs and banging hot chicks. We did note your continuing, repeated and enthusiastic dedication to hot chicks, day after day, on your own in your bedroom. However, perhaps you should have dedicated at least some of this time to practicing the music? In the end, though, we felt the dream expired when you heeded your mother's advice to take A-level French so you had 'something to fall back on'.
- As for the banging hot chicks aspect - did byou ever see the state of yourself? Even as an almighty deity and creator of the universe, there are limits to what we can do. Sorry you had to hear it this way.
kind regards
God Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sounds like you've gone through to the Calvinist God there, thorn. He's no friend to anybody: "God helps those who help themselves". What kind of God is that? Pathetic. If you ask the real (Catholic) God, he'll tell you the truth, which is that all the dumb whores in your life have held you back from achieving your goals.
[ 06.06.2006, 10:09: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
lol excellent ETA:>>Thorn
[ 06.06.2006, 10:10: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Posters should feel free to add their own complaint/ response dialogue with God.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Posters should feel free to add their own complaint/ response dialogue with God.
I'm afraid there was a clause in the settlement agreement barring me from publishing any of my correspondence with God and/or his representatives on Earth (Goldstein & Sons, Holborn).
I will, however, say this... Oh, hang on, no I won't... two more naked chicks've turned up. Here we go again.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Dear God,
When I was a kid, I had model looks didn't I? I was a little cutie make no mistake. So what happened? What was it that made my eyelids close up like clams and my forehead develop into that of Saw-Boss from Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors? This isn't my complaint of course. I'm just, you know, kicking back with you. You may wonder what it is I want actually. It's about the commercial. You know, the commercial my brother was due to be in when we were just kids. You see, we were use to being the poor kids on the block. It was actually alright that part! You wouldn't believe how many 'new' coats we received from the mums of all the other kids. I just want to thank you for steering their generosity in our direction. I mean, times were hard and nothing was better than being nice and warm in a coat in winter. A coat donated by the other families that would often lead to having the piss ripped out of you by their kids or on one occasion, when I decided to tell someone to fuck off after a session of the usual piss-takery, had the coat ripped off me as 'it wasn't mine anyway' This is the thankful part. Thanks for making all the other Mothers pity my poor father and his two sons, because if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have got to audition for a part in television. Without that, we wouldn't have been able to pack our bags for a holiday in the sun, as paid for by the production company.
But the apology I'm after is for totally ballsing that up. I'd never had a holiday abroad and was looking forward to it. So much so that I sat in my bedroom in disbelief that our first (and only) holiday was cruelly snatched away from us and I would only hear of the amazing times abroad the neighbours would have for the next 10 or so years. Goddam man, I sat with my suitcase, too sad to unpack it. How could you have done this to me?
Much bothered,
Mikee, Earth, Morals -15
Dear Mikee,
Oh my boy. It was a blessing in disguise. I've given you more than that. The holiday you suggested would have burnt your little chalk legs to cinders. Would you trade it all for that one 'normal' holiday in the sun. Remember when your brother and Dale stole that crate of milk from the dairy and the fat man chased them on his milk cart. His face was sweating just from steering it down that hill. Do you remember your Father trying to keep a straight face when a policeman had apprehended the dairy bandits? Remember when you got to play Dragon's Lair at Butlins for the first time? I suppose you've forgotten about the comedy shit-your-pants stories you've racked up from such excursions into the realms of dodgy burgers are funny water? What about when you went on holiday with your mate and his family, when his mum declared you both try to 'find a girlfriend - see who can find get one first' I mean, that alone was worth the price of losing out on such a life changing moment. Not that you managed to impress any other 14 year olds, but just because your mate didn't. Ha ha! Instead of sand and sea, you got excellent experiences. Life shaping, character sculpting experiences. You've been pot-holing, scuba-diving, wind-surfing, deep sea fishing, scrambling, canoeing, abseiling, go-karting and more. You've watched your dad dance to the birdie song at a Disco. Who get's to see that lovely lovely crap? Man, you should be taking note. Your childhood was the stuff that unhappy executives book themselves on to inject some adventure into their life. Man, that fucking advert was for BREAD. You owe ME the apology man.
Your friend, God Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Dear God,
I have recently checked my diary and found that on June 6th 1983 I asked you if you could arrange it for me and my brothers to go and race some radio controlled cars around for the day and then perhaps when that was finished we could have a bit of a chat and then perhaps someone would present me and my brothers with some radio control cars.
Needless to say you failed to fulfil my request and since then I have become an athiest and regularly use your name in vain.
You've only got yourself to blame
Yours, not really believing in you not...
Dear not...
Re: Radio Control Cars
Having checked my records I have found that in fact your request was sent to Jim'll Fix it, C/O Jimmy Saville at the BBC Television Studios.
I am aware of your feelings towards me but I can assure you I have no control over Jimmy Saville, he should have been up here years ago - it's only the weight of those chains he wears that keep him stuck down there.
(ps. checked your cholestrol lately?)
Love God XXX Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Well, as part of the 'forum content on the front page of the site' I've picked this post of Thorns out to be the first out there...
Hope you don't mind Thorn, if you do let me know..
I'm going to publish more content from the forums onto the site with full credit to the authors and links back to the forum, this should turn into an easy to read page of forum high (or low) lights and will hopefully help draw in a few new people.
[ 06.06.2006, 12:34: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Ace picture of Herbs on the front too.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
She's so emo..
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: I'm going to publish more content from the forums onto the site with full credit to the authors and links back to the forum, this should turn into an easy to read page of forum high (or low) lights and will hopefully help draw in a few new people.
Don't stop there, Darryn! You could arrange a per-post star rating system so we all know exactly where we stand. TMO Stats could include a league table of forumites, as well as performance charts to show the rise and fall of individual standards and crowd groups. Forumites whose posts consistently drop below a predefined threshold would be automatically ba...
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I wonder if I should link to replies too Misc ?
I'll be linking to more as the week/weeks go on, and back linking to some as well.
I'm open to suggestions on what should be frontpaged just drop me an email at the usual address.
[ 06.06.2006, 12:45: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I think it's an excellent step in the right direction Darryn. All it takes is for the more coherent and talented writers to knock up a film review and POW-O. Instant content.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
As an extra bonus, I'm liking the philosophies above. Instead of yelling taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag these days, we should yell baaaaaaaaaaanner for any great one liners to adorn the top of TMO.
Oh, I'm fucking up our first good thread for a while. You could just delete my bollcok. Thanks boss!
[ 06.06.2006, 14:02: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Dear God,
You may remember me from various churchy activities in the mid to late eighties. I liked going to church, because I could wear my Best Clothes (posh red cardy with buttons like cherries and white tights with bows on the heels were particular favourites). I liked the singing (more specifically staring at other people singing- especially the funny ones who closed their eyes and put their hands in the air) and the high roof of the building (Lantern Church, Merley) [oh my god, the vicar's name is Andy Rimmer and he lists his hobbies as Jesus and air guitar- ed]. I was briefly a member of Pathfinders- a youth organisation aimed at keeping young girls interested in Bible stories and away from cider and boys. One time we were in pairs and one was blindfolded and the other had to guide them through a maze made of chairs to illustrate how we need guidance from God through life. God, I've never needed to walk blindly through a maze of chairs, but I hope that you would have been there for me should this situation have arisen.
Anyway, God- Thursday 2 Feb 1989. Does this mean anything to you? It should do- it is the day you ceased to exist. On this day, I went to play with Poppy the hamster before taking my mum a cup of tea in bed. But guess what- Poppy the hamster was lying STIFF and COLD in her cage.DEAD. Oh, I know pets die and go to heaven. But of old age, like Timmy before her. Not when they are only a few months old. Not just before my birthday. You made a mistake, you see. Only a little mistake- one little hamster. Easily rectified! So everyday for about a month I prayed for her to be sent back. Or for time to go backwards and for that day never to happen. Should have been easy for you God, after the Universe, tectonic plates and the platypus. But no.
So God. You steal little girls' hamsters, just for a laugh, do you?
Yours, Vogon Poetess
Dear Ms Poetess,
Ref 48756434897#HAM1
Thank you for your recent enquiry to Heavenly Services Ltd. Your query is currently being processed by our Customer Services Dept. Should you wish to check the status of your query, please quote the above reference number.
Regards,
Jeff Dibley
Customer Services Manager
[ 07.06.2006, 11:42: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
Posted by Octavia (Member # 398) on :
To: The King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Master of the Universe (actually, not sure about that last one, didn't you sell the rights to Tom Wolfe?) From: Octavia Date: 3 September 2006 Subject: Warranty
Dear Sir
While I am not usually one to complain, I felt obliged to put pen to paper to take issue with you about the service I have received at one of your branch offices.
For a period of my teenage years I was enrolled in what could loosely be called a school, run by your local staff who I believe are known colloquially as 'nuns'. Considerable portions of the day were devoted to sewing aprons, practising cooking, and learning the first five books of your Code of Practice by heart. This routine - we were led to believe - would enable us to lead fulfilled and happy lives, cosily enfolded in the institution known as 'marriage'. We were given to understand that our skills so acquired would act as a form of warranty, and that we would not be required to earn our own living, act independently, or think for ourselves.
Frankly, I feel I have been sold a pup. We were not informed of the small print stating that the guarantee expired in 1954, marriage is no longer a 'job for life' and that we were, in effect, on our own in a hostile world for which 'school' had left us unprepared. Since then life has been a barrage of slings and arrows, and I feel that my precious teenage years were misspent. And not in a fun way. I would like to know what you intend to do about this.
yours faithfully
Octavia (Miss)
To: Octavia From: PA to The King of Kings, Prince of Peace etc Date: Outside Time Subject: RE: Warranty
Dear Miss Octavia
Thank you for your email drawing to our attention the poor service you feel you have received at our branch office. The small print should certainly have been explained to you at the time, and we are of course happy to compensate you for any genuine loss.
However, we would like to draw to your attention the fact that a) since leaving your teenage years, you have acted as though they would continue indefinitely, shirking responsibility and demonstrating no signs of ever wishing to shoulder the burdens of adulthood. b) you have relished the experience of independence, realising early that it allowed you to spend all your money on yourself and never have the argument about who left the toilet seat up c) you would be supremely unfitted for a 'job for life', given that your boredom threshold is that of a Ritalin-dependent four-year-old.
In consequence, therefore, we are obliged to point out that you have in fact gained substantially from the expiration of the warranty, and no restitution will be forthcoming.
yours sincerely
Gabriel (Archangel) Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Dear God
I was an unhappy child as you well know - I was plagued with being desperatley thin for a growing lad, and whilst my beloved parents although poor made sure we were properly fed, I was still plagued with this affliction. The taunts of my friends and school friends and having such nicknames as "Stick man" and "Bobby Sands" did everything it could to diminish my confidence to almost zero, a curse I can only put down to punishment for my early discovery of masterbation.
After praying every night for Susanne Laarsen to go out with me on her return trip to England as part of our schools student exchange, and getting nothing but a quick snog which I have to say was pretty magic - I did feel pretty let down by all that hard work for a few seconds that I cannot actually remember.
I did from that day on request that I grow into a normal person who was not underweight and who women would not beat in arm wrestling, and although I am able to say this, having all my weight apportioned to my gut is not quite the appeasement I sought. I know that you have made beer, and it is good, and it has got me laid once or twice as well as giving me a weight more befitting someone of my age and height, and for that I am grateful, but the morning paunch is a little dissapointing - would it not have been too much to ask for a bit of proper apportionment so that I could be a bit proud? I know after all in the instruction manuals this is against user guidelines and company policy, but maybe at your next AGM could this issue be reconsidered?
Your sincerely Waynster
Dear Wayne.
Thanks for your letter dated 03/09/06. However as stated by your mother 21/07/78 you'll go straight for to hell for abusing the peripheral of which you found so much enjoyment, and continue to do so.
Thus, as you have chosen to shift policies for our main competitor, may I suggest cashing in your life/soul policy with their management for a flatter stomach. We do not however endorse this method, as it will lead to an eternal damnation and possibly stretch marks. You could however consider going on a diet you fat fuck.
Your sincerely Gabriel
[ 03.09.2006, 17:41: Message edited by: Waynster ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Dear God,
What have I done to annoy you so much? Just give me a reason, that's all I ask. I don't go around mugging old ladies and ripping off children. I have never killed anybody, indeed to my knowledge I've never physically hurt anybody during my relatively short time on earth. So why the fucking shit, eh? Okay, arguably playing somebody at snooker for money* is sinful, but still, corrupt scum such as solicitors commit sins on an hourly basis yet still seem to lead happy, stress-free lives - with good fortune in abundance.
The frame was going relatively well, with me accumulating a useful 50 point lead and only a few reds remaining. Easy street. Just close out the game patiently. Then YOU thought it justified to thrust your holy cock into my arse. I mean, the guy played a dreadful shot, missing the pot on the red by a good few inches, yet somehow it slimed its way into the middle pocket! Okay - that was a moment of fortune. An isolated event. BUT NOT IF SIMILAR EVENTS OCCUR A FURTHER TWO TIMES, YOU CUM-GUZZLING SLUT. To his credit, the guy played a couple of nice shots after the fluke, leaving him with an outside chance of pinching the frame with a yellow-to-black clearance.
Enter: fluke number two. A woeful attempt at potting the yellow results in me being snookered - full ball - behind the green. WHAT?? I mean, give me a fucking break. Yes, obviously I fail to prise myself from the dark stuff and miss the yellow. Four points to cuntface and an easy pot to take the yellow, followed by the green and brown - just to rub it in. The pressure's beginning to mount now as the point difference is now only 10, with the blue, pink and black remaining on the table.
Enter: fluke number three. After a brief bout of safety play, my opponent pulls off an outstanding pot on the blue, leaving him perfectly on the pink. So, only the pink and black required to take the frame and the money. He slides in the pink, but finishes tight on the cushion for the black. "He, he" I think. "Finally the shit-stick has been reversed." He misses the black. It sits a mere two feet from the pocket. Lovely. Just get down, nice and calm, pot the fucking ball. The cueball leaves the cuetip and heads perfectly in the direction of the black. THEN I GET A FUCKING KICK! The kick makes a dull thud upon striking the black, sending it off-course by mere millimetres, leaving it sat over the pocket with its legs spread. Game. Over. Shake the guy's hand, whilst wincing and grinding my teeth together so hard I can feel my jaw bone pulsing ominously against my cheeks.
So, God. I demand either an apology for said debacle, or a reason for why you elected me to suffer such devastingly bad luck.
Yours Skintingly,
Zygote.
*£200.
Dear Zygote,
Whilst I can only sympathise with your financial loss, you must surely have realised by now that in one-frame-snooker, anything can happen. Also, your lead was a mere 50 points. Perhaps you should work on your breakbuilding. This would lead to more convincing victories in future, you whinging, excuse-making twat.
Regards,
God. Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
The time is definitely right for a UK remake of The Hustler, starring Zygote and Graham Dott.
What other American movies could be given the UK treatment, TMO?
[ 04.10.2006, 08:26: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Mod request: Should this not be a new thread?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Yeah, but I'm just a bit lazy and shit really.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
could be good thread too, shame..
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
That's Graeme Dott. He's Scotch, y'know..
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Sorry Ringo.
Posted by Lucid (Member # 531) on :
mwah x
[ 06.10.2006, 10:19: Message edited by: Lucid ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
772nd post as shit as the first. What an achievement.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
ho ho. Hello Lucid.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Lucid - can you explain about The Chair? I've only heard rumours. Is it true you tried to organise an orgy at the Manchester meet? What was that bizarre story all about?
[ 05.10.2006, 11:38: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Hello Lucid.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
If it's any consolation, I went for a pint with Zygote once and then didn't speak to him again for two years.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
StevieX was never seen again after that meet.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
And I once asked Black Mask to email me then totally failed to respond at all.
[ 05.10.2006, 11:43: Message edited by: Louche ]
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
who was zygote?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: And I once asked Black Mask to email me then totally failed to respond at all.
When was this? What the FUCK are you talking about?
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
And didn't Uber try to jump out of a moving coach after GimpChairMeat? Must have been a pretty heavy scene.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
and raz punched somebody.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Maybe it wasn't Black Mask. I thought I offered to send you a song and then didn't bother.. It might not have been you. It might have been someone else. Was it Silver Ginger?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
Lucid must have enough to go on with now.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
That was a bit anticlimactic.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
It was, wasn't it? Do you think Black Mask's picture is supposed to convey something?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
is it like, he's sitting in an invisible chair, and it looks like those blokes could be giving the footballer a bit of double anal?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I assume the black fella is Thorn, but is the fact that the chair is invisible supposed to signify that The Chair didn't actually exist? Meaning, we've all been hoodwinked.
[ 05.10.2006, 12:16: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Right, the traffic women on the radio is talking about tailbacks. She's just described the traffic as backing up "both 'clock' and 'anticlock'". This insignificant quirk has made me angry beyond all measure.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
On safari a welsh mentalist insisted on calling Elephants 'Ellies' and Thompson gazelles 'Tommys' RAAAAAGE!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I hate this kind of cun
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Are you quite alright, Jonesy?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
on top of all that, I've got a tired, wintery headache.
[ 05.10.2006, 12:23: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Do you think on such a miserable day one can be allowed to put the heating on, for making getting up easier? Or is that sinful, to be punished by the wrath of gord?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
No, not really. I've spent the afternoon arguing with a stranger about pay rates. I'm usually shit at this but this time I stuck to my guns. It's taken about four hours of stewing and negotiating and inventing other jobs I've been offered. In the end, despite the fact I'm skint, I called his bluff and said I didn't want the job. I won! Hurrah for the little people. But that was only fifteen minutes ago and I'm a bit dizzy and weird now.
ETA: that was for Gauche.
ETA: To clarify - I won because he agreed to pay the rate I wanted.
I start on Monday. I hate Monday now.
[ 05.10.2006, 12:29: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: Do you think on such a miserable day one can be allowed to put the heating on, for making getting up easier? Or is that sinful, to be punished by the wrath of gord?
I made the switch this morning. Two hours from 6:00.
Fuck it, I've been waiting for five pisses before I flush the toilet for the last three months. I've done my bit for the green...which, coincidentally, is the colur of....
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Herbs, put your heater on. Jonesy,make your wife take you to the pub.
I have solved all. The world can relax.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I put my heating on for the first time last night, but my house turned into a sauna after about 10 mins, so I turned it off again. Woo. Exciting.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
My wife is at a beer drinking meeting with German lawyers and free beer. She doesn't want to be there and, despite what's hers being mine now, I'm not allowed to attend in her stead.
[ 05.10.2006, 12:31: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
In which case make Jimmy take you to the pub.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
could she wear a giant sponge as a pair of trousers and bring you some home? beer, thatis.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Jimmy and I were supposed to be going to the pub but he's got urgent tech problems. So I'm going to turn up on his doorstep with a beer.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
unless someone can spring me from work there's no beer for me tonight Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: could she wear a giant sponge as a pair of trousers and bring you some home? beer, thatis.
I don't know. I'll call her and ask her.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
MRS JONES: Don't ever involve me in your freaky internet world again.
I thought it was a good idea, Hippy.
[ 05.10.2006, 12:34: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Jimmy and I were supposed to be going to the pub but he's got urgent tech problems. So I'm going to turn up on his doorstep with a beer.
I would advise several. I am quite like having the mantle of soothing solutions woman today.
H1ppy, because you don't live near any other TMOers to take to the pub, I suggest you register on severalother forums until you find someone else who lives in Wales or wherever it is you abide.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Doesn't hippy live in Bristol with Elvis and Bistoflange?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I don't know. As far as I know you're all in London apart from H1ppy, Zygote and Dang*, aren't you? And no-one knows where Dang actually is most of the time, anyway.
*And the ones who live in other countries and so are obviously not in London.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Dang lives in a pyramid of his own design in a garden in France.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: I don't know. As far as I know you're all in London apart from H1ppy, Zygote and Dang*, aren't you?
this => does not even come close to emoting what it is I'm feeling at the suggestion that I live in London.
Shame on you Louche.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Louche thinks Milton Keynes is in zone 5, just outside Cockney Ben's North London pad. But she lives in Ireland; what can you expect?
[ 05.10.2006, 12:54: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Oops, sorry Ringo. Milton Keynes is the last stop on the train before London. I realise now this does not make it London.
And I had forgotted Ben in the frozzed north, like me.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Actually, Mart's in the frozzed north as well, isn't he? I have made a sweeping statement which is utterly wrong. How unlike me.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Depends on which train you get. Most will go to Watford between MK and London.
*bores self to sleep*
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
And Sidnoi.
And Silverginger5.
No, wait, he lives in London with Black Mask. They share an internet connection.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Depends on which train you get. Most will go to Watford between MK and London.
Oh,mine from Wigan don't go to Watford. When I make my Annual Trip.
I miss Silver Ginger. Thorn should make me come back and talk to me.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
misc doesn't live in london either
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
He's right, I live here:
Perhaps we should have a TMO *Frappr Map. It'd be totally 2.0 Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Perhaps we should have a TMO *Frappr Map. It'd be totally 2.0
Oh, can we! If everyone would just post their address here, I'd gladly put the map together.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I really ballsed that one up, didn't I? I should make a list of London TMOers to show I'm not utterly mad. Is there anyone with a van, Midlands? That would be useful.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: who was zygote?
I used to post as 'Nomad', but when I tried logging back on I was informed that the username and password were incorrect (presumably it'd been that long since I'd last posted, my account had been deleted), so I gave up and re-registered under a different name. Woo.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: And no-one knows where Dang actually is most of the time, anyway.
I didn't know where I was myself yesterday. I've been cycling in to Paris from work, which is north of the airport so it's about 25 miles in to town. So, last night I thought I'd try a different route and I ended up in the middle of one of those banlieu places that get on the news from time to time. Didn't see any riots though. I think they take Thursdays off, which was lucky.
I was scared to get my map out in case they all went, "Forrin! Kill!" But fortunately I found a nice 'You Are Here ->' street plan on a notice board and sort of casually glanced at it as if I was just killing a bit of time while waiting for my drug dealer. I escaped with my life, you'll be glad to hear.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: If it's any consolation, I went for a pint with Zygote once and then didn't speak to him again for two years.
My "on-line disappearance" was mainly down to having no internet access in my then-new job or at home, a psychotic (long since 'ex') girlfriend (who went through my mobile, deleting every fucking phone number that looked like a female contact) and some other family/domestic problems that I cannot mention. I'm sure you understand that it was nothing personal. Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I think your psycho ex scared me off a bit as well, to be honest. I am glad Dang didn't get eaten by forrins. That would not be a good way to go. Though possibly appropriate in the light of his infamous Tsunami/Whisky Galore/Cannibals pun.
Posted by Lucid (Member # 531) on :
mwah x
[ 06.10.2006, 10:16: Message edited by: Lucid ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
I would love to be in that hammock right now. The gentle, warm breeze easing me from side to side, the innocent squeaks of beautiful little birds serenading me. My lover would emerge from the doorway, smiling, slowly brushing her hair. She would gently grasp my hand and thrust me onto the ground, the long, soft grass tickling my ears and neck. She would then loosen my shirt buttons and we would make passionate love for hours, before strolling happily into the village as the sun gradually retreats from the darkening sky.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
that's one hell of a picture.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
Darren please can you edit that picture so we can have a proper ruck without having to ruin our retinas?
xxx
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
My God! Self-congratulation has never been so huge!
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Is that a wheelchair, bottom-right?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Is that a shallow grave under the hammock?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I think the scale of that picture is 1:1
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Is that a wheelchair, bottom-right?
Maybe it belonged to tiny Mrs Lucid and now she's in the shallow grave?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: I think the scale of that picture is 1:1
I like the pretty bonsais and the rat-hammock. Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Nice pool. Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I like the fact that he said he wasn't sticking around, but clearly did. You lose!
Extra lol at the irony of the accomodating reclinable chairs and the pool. All a bit Barrymore, isn't it?
[ 06.10.2006, 10:09: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
Where's the hammock? Am I going blind?
It seems to me that Lucid has considerably more money than yow...
Pretty grim, really.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dedalus: Where's the hammock?
The hammock was in the original photo Lucid had posted. It's been replaced by the lovely pool show that you now see.
HTH
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Holy mackerel! He's got a pool! I take it all back, Lucid isn't an arsehole, after all!
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Do I need to respond to this?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
No. Engage roffle glands to maximum speed.
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
If I had a pool like that I'd stand on the edge and piss into it. Just because I could.
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
I really shouldn't drink at lunchtimes.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dedalus: If I had a pool like that I'd stand on the edge and piss into it.
So would Benway.
[ 06.10.2006, 10:13: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by Dedalus: If I had a pool like that I'd stand on the edge and piss into it.
So would Benway.
NWoD would shit in it.
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
I reckon Lucid's so quiet now because he's wanking blood into it as we speak.
Oh Jesus.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
But whose blood is the question?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Still, it was nice of him to post a different, smaller picture.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Still, it was nice of him to post a different, smaller picture.
Maybe it's a very slow slideshow?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I don't think so. There's no picture now. Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
Maybe it's a bad angle but the pool looks out of proportion to the house. For a pool like that you need a big FUCK OFF Hollywood house, not some converted farmhouse near Stoke On Trent or some equally dismal place.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
Maybe we imagined the whole thing...
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I wish I was Lucid...
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: I wish I was Lucid...
I'm sure you will be one day.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Sorry.
I wish I was lucid...
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
How do you think he copes with all the envy?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I have no idea. But what a burden! Poor lucid. Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: How do you think he copes with all the envy?
Compulsive (bloody) masturbation?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I bet that pool could tell a few stories, eh?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
D. could I swap my bean for Lucid's pool?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Or the death-hammock?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Do you remember the old days when we all more or less liked each other?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Fuck off!
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Except Black Mask, who never seems to have liked anybody much.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I still more or less like everybody.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Including Black Mask.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I like you, Louche. You're unusual.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Do you remember the old days when we all more or less liked each other?
Congratulations on ***** statement of the week.
Oh, that was based on the fact I was going to say I more or less still liked everybody.
[ 06.10.2006, 10:47: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Honestly NWOD, make your mind up.
[ 06.10.2006, 10:48: Message edited by: Louche ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Excellent, did you call me a rude word?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Nah. I wouldn't do that. I'm nice.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
That's why I more or less like you.
I was looking forward to a meat tonight and it's not going to happen. queenie isn't here!
[ 06.10.2006, 11:02: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
God. I always turn up late to these things. I would have liked to have seen lucid's Barrymore-esque abode and commented on the Manchester meet. Mind you, I spent most of it barricaded inside a small bedroom for my own safety and so wouldn't be able to shed much light.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
Also, should I feel bad that I don't remember anything about zygote's former life as a poster called nomad? I mean, did nomad post, like, three times or something?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
There's only sure way to find out.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sidney: I mean, did nomad post, like, three times or something?
My post count was about 200ish. Might've been before you joined, about five years ago.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I don't remember Nomad. I think it is some sort of elaborate internet hoax like Lonelygirl15
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: That's why I more or less like you.
I was looking forward to a meat tonight and it's not going to happen. queenie isn't here!
hey, alice cancelled, not me.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by London: YES! Let's have a meat next Friday!
You are shameless.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
I don't remember Nomad either. So many posters though have come and gone over the years, though. :wistful:
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote:
quote:Originally posted by Sidney: I mean, did nomad post, like, three times or something?
My post count was about 200ish. Might've been before you joined, about five years ago.
Yes, that could explain it. Well, it's one explanation certainly. Also, luh oh luh at how you couldn't remember your password for that account but can still approximate its post count!
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
I remember a Nomad from my time at TCL. I wonder if it's the same poster?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Shamefully, I don't remember Nomad on here. I remember him from somewhere else. Which confused me temporarily when he reappeared as Zygote. But only temporarily. The driving post made it all come flooding back. :grin:
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
This is why - when everyone was going, "Who were you? Tell us!!" - I didn't say. The anticlimax would've been devastating.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sidney: [QUOTE]Also, luh oh luh at how you couldn't remember your password for that account but can still approximate its post count!
Hey! I've used the same password for years, but I suspect that my account was deleted. I'll try again now, just to make sure I wasn't typing it in incorrectly.
Darryn: Do accounts get deleted after a certain period of time?
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