I'm celebrity toyboy cum hilarious prankster Ashton Kutcher. When I'm not acting in The Butterfly Effect or playing pranks on my celebrity friends like Sean Paul and Hilary Swank, I like nothing more than relaxing with a Coke Zero and an eyeful of TMO on my MacBook Pro. The Hollywood life can be daunting at times - so many fakers, so many casting couch sluts. Thank God for TMO, where the beer is always cold, and the people are always straight up.
But I'm not here just to jerk on about my luxurious toyboy lifestyle. I'm here because Dr. Benway (he's not a real doctor) skyped me. He skyped me while I was watching some rushes for my latest Starbucks commercial, and straight away I knew something was up. I grabbed 'the batphone' and listened as the DRB gave it to me straight. He was telling me that there are people reading TMO who've yet to post a single frikkin word. He was telling me there's dudes and dudettes out there who would love to post, but are too scared to do so.
So I was like 'what's up with that, D - Monster?', and he gave it to me straight. He laid it down. He told me that the atmosphere can sometimes get a little aggressive. He told me that motherfuckers be tripping so hard, that casuals don't want to say jack 'case they get their tongues burned (Punk'd series 4 - Skeet Ulrich).
I was shocked. I was so shocked, I nearly dropped my double skinny soya decaf latte. And I don't drop them. Ever.
So I said to the DRB that I'd help out. I said I'd mail him an email. I'd mail him an email, on the condition that he printed it verbatim, with no alterations. So this is my own words right here. I want to say to all the people who ain't posting right now, that it's time to jump in. It's time to say hi. As a regular reader of TMO, I'd love to see some new people around. I'd love to hear some new voices. So this thread is dedicated to them. This is our chance to say hi, introduce ourselves, and get welcomed. It's daunting to join a new community. I should know - I've been reading TMO for three years, and only now have I had the cohones to write this. So, this is me, your friend Ashton Kutcher, saying
"Welcome"
introduce yourselves, people.
as a favourite friend of mine often tells me:
'ain't so bad....ain't so bad'
[ 06.07.2006, 19:05: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
if it's any excuse, I was on the drunk side last night.
[ 07.07.2006, 04:50: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
How drunk ? have you been sick yet ?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
no, but I was awake at seven o'clock holding ice against my throbbing head. I don't think I'll be sick. I need to get a coffee, but Costa is on the third floor and I'm on the twentieth and there'll be massive queues. I could also scoff a pie or something.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Today I'd kill for a pasty, I really fancy a pasty, or a steak slice.
Ginsters, pride of Britain but nowhere else, curse holland and it's poor savoury pastries.
BTW, I didn't understand the mail you sent me last night, so CYI..
I wish I had a hangover, it would explain why I feel so rough today. I just6 slept in the most spastic of all positions last night and I've thrown out my back and shoulder which is making me feel crap.
I suppose it's too early to start drinking now and give myself a hangover by lunchtime to compensate ?
C'mon newbies... Ashton needs you..
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: BTW, I didn't understand the mail you sent me last night, so CYI..
No, well, I wasn't making much sense by then.
Have you ever had a pasty from the Real Cornish Pasty booths/shops? Oh man, those are fucking awesome. The steak and stilton pasties are the best possible lunchtime food, and can pull a man up from wimpering hungover fuckbag to special forces tough guy in the space of an hour.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Never had one, they sound fucking awesome though, I reckon it must be almost time for me to head back London way and eat myself into a carb induced coma..
Steak and Stilton, oh boy I'm hungry now.
[ 07.07.2006, 05:18: Message edited by: Darryn.R ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
They're worth checking out. There's booths at most stations, and a shop in covent garden.
Do you think that there's anybody reading TMO who isn't posting?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Shall we use all kinds of exciting questions to entice newbies in?
My guilt knows no bounds of late. Only today did I feel terrible about laughing about the women in the Metro who was suicidal after being attacked my Seagulls. I shouldn't be laughing at officials stating that although the birds were vicious, they were powerless to help.
I'm a bit upset you were drunk now Benway. I thought we were having a real bond last night, but you were just pissed.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
come on mickey don't be like that. *strokes bangs*
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I don't actually think people like my bangs. I think they are laughing at me.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I like your bangs
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Do you think that there's anybody reading TMO who isn't posting?
There is. Please post newbies. Tell us why you don't post usually. Darryn: is there any way you can check to see how many people are looking at the forum? The reason I say this, is that we've had hits to our site from this board, so somebody is clicking links somewhere and I'm pretty sure it's not going to be any regulars.
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: I like your bangs
Thanks man. I like your hair too.
Newbies, what's your favourite haircut of all time?
Mine would have to be a toss up of the collective haircuts of Sigue Sigue Sputnik and We've Got A Fuzzbox (and we're gonna use it) versus the jokers physics defying bouffant from Alan Moores The Killing Joke.
Vs.
[ 07.07.2006, 05:59: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
Who knows who reads this anymore...
It's the standard summer slowdown, holidays, heat and fun in the beer garden always kills net traffic come July.
I'd like to think there are people reading though, like a low quality Big Brother for people who are afraid of silicon and the Welsh.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
There's no real way of seeing who is here at any given moment, I could turn on the patch in the forum software that says who's logged into the forum and should maybe show guests too, but I find that a bit depressing when you log in and see there's nobody here and nobody lurking and it's offputting to post somewhere that shows off exactly how dead it is IMO..
I can check the server logs and activity charts to see who came from where and what pages have been viewed, but I'd like peace for that and for some reason Beckett is really pissed off today and just keeps screaming at me and biting my legs, I'll have a look see over the weekend and see if there's anything recorded on who is clicking through to Interloper..
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I'm here, but feeling lethargic from grim grey skies and sitting in an internal project room with no natural light. We do have yummy cakes for Judy's birthday tomorrow, though. Yum.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
poor old Ashton. He's going to be pretty bummed out.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I am bigging up this thread. I am expecting some influx from other areas on the internet. Currently responses have been slightly negative, however I am hoping for big things for this thread so stay tuned and get ready with those welcome Larry's mart.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
do you post on Barbelith these days?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
My brain has leaked out of my ears from watching too much Discovery Home and Leisure and reading shit books and generally being bored shitless. I mean my contributions are a bit half assed at the best of times but these days I feel my mind has atrophied almost to the point where I find it difficult to manage to make a sentence, nevermind a sentence of any interest. By the end of July I am going to be a dribbling wreck, propped up behind a laptop, eyes blackened and weeping and ribcage blooming through my emaciated chest.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
I'm sitting here waiting for Vodaphone to deliver my new phone to replace the one that was stolen, it's one of those new Sony Walkman phones which has a 512 memory stick with it and is also a 2mp camera, so with the one purchase I get back pretty much my stolen camera, ipod shuffle and phone in one bit of kit.
The doorbell just rang and I hurried downstairs hoping it was my phone only to be handed a UPC Digital TV decoder and 6 months free upgrade, I didn't even ask for the thing, they've just shipped it out free. I don't trust them, Wayne works there and I know what a mess the company is in..
Still a free six month trial and a free digibox though, I s'pose it's all extra crap to watch...
Now, where's my phone ?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
if you had to buy a wireless modem thing for broadband, so i could cruise the net on my portable computer from anywhere in the house, as well as from a stationary large computer under a desk, what would you buy?
that's a question to ashton, who may not be the best person to turn to for advice seeing as he probably just surfs from starbucks, but what the hey.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: do you post on Barbelith these days?
He started a thread in 'Conversation' earlier today which was described as "not hilarious" and several people emailed moderators requesting that it be deleted.
His career on Barbelith has yet to live up to his career on TMO.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
lolol. Poor old not. What was the thread about?
[ 07.07.2006, 06:03: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Well at least I try Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Also, Although there were 2 negative comments there was also 2 positive and a few neutral so far. It's always the negative fuckers that get the attention though isn't it? Just like in the Big Brother editing suite.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: By the end of July I am going to be a dribbling wreck, propped up behind a laptop, eyes blackened and weeping and ribcage blooming through my emaciated chest.
Pretty hott..
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Wow, Barbelith is so broom up bum.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I bet you'd like broom up bum.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
They're about as fun as cancer. That's my official verdict, unless someone wishes to prove otherwise?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
In keeping with Misc's 'Home Grown' thread I might suggest a way of making your own wireless machine at the fraction of the cost mart.
Now, firstly you need a good keyboard. Now, in all my time, nothing has been able to stand up to the micro sized and frankly dreamly 'Rubber keyed Demon' also known as the Spectrum 48k. This will be versatile. and sturdy so even if you drop the thing, it'll just dent. If you can play Daley Thompsons Decathlon on these keys, I reckon a few elbow drops would bounce right off. Laugh as I suggest it, but Geekspod McGinty here shows anything is possible Or you could do away with the keyboard alltogether and have one of these. Should you get mugged around the house for your laptop, shine the infrared emitting device in their eyes.(Warning: do not do this to Gree. Min or Nrm)
But it's still good weather right? Why not look ultra cool with some heads-up display googles. Keep your retinas and get away with looking at girls legs on the tube all in one product.
Mac has been sucking money from schmucks loads recently, but style should never come before function. Get yourself a cheap desktop and I'll throw you in an EXCELLENT bag to carry it around in:
If this little getup is too flash for your cash, keep things simple. Don't waste your time upgrading communication devices when other older methods are proved to work:
Good luck mart. Hope this helps.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: They're about as fun as cancer. That's my official verdict, unless someone wishes to prove otherwise?
It’s like, you know in Star Trek, in every series there’s like the straight character who doesn’t get any jokes, and it’ll be a situation where one of the other characters says something vaguely funny, and they just stand there stony faced and say something like “So this is what you humans call ‘humour’? Fascinating” and the joke is really that they don’t have a sense of humour, thus turning themselves into an object of fair ridicule. That’s Barbelith. They’re the robot character or the one with pointy ears, played by a prima dona.
Sucks to be them.
(it also sucks to be quoting and replying to yourself but nobody's being particularly engaging this morning so this is what it's come to unfortunately)
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
As with TMO you can't really judge the entire site by a few posters: even on that thread you've got a bunch of people disagreeing that the thread's wank, and all the rest of it. You wouldn't want people coming over to TMO and judging it just because one of [deleted by Darryn R.]'s topics had slithered to the top of the page. So you know - there's some funny folk on there; there's some irritating people on there; there's some people that just post gurning enthusiasm for CDs and games on there; there's intelligent commentators on there and there's people who post "intelligent commentary" that's so fucking idiotic it makes you want to choke; all of which is mirrored on TMO except on a smaller scale.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
yeah but they're not as funny as us, are they?
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
For once, I think the "God those Barbelith people can be humourless killjoys" brigade have a point. As not... has said though, that wasn't everybody's reaction (I dunno where Thorn got the "lots of people complained by email" thing from, he may SEKRET EVIDENCE that I don't).
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sorry for making you all want to choke, TMO.
I agree though. Us slagging off barbelith with such vitriol isn't going to do us any favours. It's like, even though Ashton has given his name to the cause, it makes TMO look like a hole full of bitches, and I mean that in a way that's derogatory towards women.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I'm just grouchey because nobody's talking to me today, either on here or on email. Don't take it personally.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sorry for the bum thing, london.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by His Life And Crimes: For once, I think the "God those Barbelith people can be humourless killjoys" brigade have a point. As not... has said though, that wasn't everybody's reaction (I dunno where Thorn got the "lots of people complained by email" thing from, he may SEKRET EVIDENCE that I don't).
Hold on, are you from B*******h?
[ 07.07.2006, 06:31: Message edited by: not... ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: sorry for the bum thing, london.
And so you should be. That was very, very rude.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sometimes I say the wrong things.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote: And so you should be. That was very, very rude.
Not as rude as suggesting it goes bristle end first.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: I'm just grouchey because nobody's talking to me today, either on here or on email. Don't take it personally.
Ironically on Barbelith my username is Johhny Nobody and I have been talking to you today. So you see that is quite funny.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
come on lets not go on about it now.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
I might post there... now and again.
Anyway, I think the only way to settle any minor or major disputes between these two fine websites is to get the contact details of "Aisleyne" from "television's" "Big Brother", and for representatives of both boards to email her once she's won, asking her which one she's prefer to hang out on.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
i think i'll buy a "wireless modem"
thanks everyone!
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
That's true, you replied to me about 3 times. Not as bad a morning as I had assumed. Carry on.
[lurk]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: sometimes I say the wrong things.
Don't worry about it. We all say things we don't really mean from time to time. Sometimes the "shock factor" is simply too luscious for even the most well-mannered of us to resist. I'm sure London knows this and has forgiven you accordingly. I know I would.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: That's true, you replied to me about 3 times. Not as bad a morning as I had assumed. Carry on.
[lurk]
And that was before 9:00am, huh, ringo, huh? Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by His Life And Crimes: of "Aisleyne" from "television's" "Big Brother", and for representatives of both boards to email her once she's won, asking her which one she's prefer to hang out on.
Does anybody else read this girl's name as "Ainsley"?
And she would obviously prefer to be on TMO, as she is famously only attracted to black men, and we've got a high percentage of black men posting here. Also we are street, and we are rinsing.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I'd reply to you, Ringo, but it's half eleven, which means it's time for Ainsley'd Barbecue Bible!
Into such small slots my life is chopped. Then grilled.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
That filthy wog-socket can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
See, you'd never get posts like that on Barbelith.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Yes. TMO definitely has 'the edge'. It's the edges that matter.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
I feel slandered.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
Is that what they call a "real" opinion, Ringo?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I just burnt my nose with hot coffee.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I've never felt slandered on TMO.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Ringo doesn't bow to liberal fascists and political correctness. He is the voice of the real people of Britain. The hardworking ones. The ones who remember the days when everybody kept their front step clean, and loved the royal family.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: I just burnt my nose with hot coffee.
you're doing something wrong, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
Posted by Abby (Member # 582) on :
I want a pasty so much right now....but it is a 30min round trip to the nearest source, and that is a Greggs. I dont want a Greggs pasty. Oh, and for your information steer well clear of Benjys pasties as well.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: I've never felt slandered on TMO.
You say that as though you have felt slandered elsewhere. Was it those fuckers over at Klaus Barbelith? The fucking *****. Soon they will feel my wrath. Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I’m only joking you understand, I’m not really a bigoted misogynist. I just wanted to get a cheap laugh.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I bet the taxman who got jim was black!
I erm, just had a massage, while I was sat at my desk. That was pretty good.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: you're doing something wrong, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
That's your response to everything. Particularly the time I got piles and didn't know where to smear the prep H.
[ 07.07.2006, 06:57: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
we do have some amusing scrapes, don't we.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: You say that as though you have felt slandered elsewhere. Was it those fuckers over at Klaus Barbelith? The fucking *****. Soon they will feel my wrath.
I've never been slandered on Barbelith, possibly because I've never posted on Barbelith. But don't let that stand in the way of your wrath. Wrath is good. I think you should rain down fireballs of doom on Barbelith and put a plague on their firstborns or something. Perhaps a small rain of frogs if you're not up to the foreballs?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I wonder what a foreball is and why it sneaked into my post?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I'm too thick to post on barbelith.
*bangs head with ladle*
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: we do have some amusing scrapes, don't we.
We do. But please, next time I insist you use your finger instead of the scraper.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
You're breaking the two minutes silence! Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: You're breaking the two minutes silence!
That's what I was thinking. Stupid idiots!!
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
'Foreball' is a knitting term. It's something to do with spinning small spheres of fine wool within larger spheres of heavy grade wool. They use it to make bullet proof vests and non-synthetic condoms for environment-conscience gorillas.
[ 07.07.2006, 07:05: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
haha, shit, I didn't know there was one.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I don't know why I posted that. I am so bored. I have only come into work today to go for a meal with a bunch of 'colleagues' who invited me as an afterthought. I wish they hadn’t.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
is it your birthday?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I really wish I hadn't come in now. I've just walked into a meeting and everyone was just standing there, gazing out into space. I was like "Woah, have the body snatchers just been or something?" No one said a fucking word. Even when I offered them a cup of tea they just ignored me. Stupid bastards.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
I'm sure you're not too thick to post on Barbelith, Benway. The bar has been set very low by some extraordinary young men and women over the years.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: You're breaking the two minutes silence!
What happened in Loucheville then, was there only the sounds of you deep in thoughtful retrospect and the dull thud of your F5 key. No-one browbeats my special Benway, epsecially when he is enjoying my ^_^ post to the maximum, Louche.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I am so bored.
I don't think you really understand what boredom is. I was so bored last week that I created my own forum. It currently has three active members. I'm already close to 200 posts. Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Due to the office typo, Louche is enjoying a whopping 22 minute silence.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
smotherlol.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
quote:Originally posted by His Life And Crimes: I'm sure you're not too thick to post on Barbelith, Benway. The bar has been set very low by some extraordinary young men and women over the years.
Ooof!!
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
I have gastroenteritis, or rather I am recovering from having gastroenteritis, but either way I am not at work. Last week when I had gastroenteritis proper I was on holiday from work so yesterday I went to the doctors and he wrote me a letter so that I can claim my holiday time as sick time from work. That is pretty cool.
Today I have applied for 15 jobs! The most exciting thing that has happened so far today is my dad phoning with the fake bomb story. This is interspersed with violent feelings of nausea (from my gastroenteritis). Except now my computer is doing something weird and every time I go to do a apostrophe firefox opens up the little search bar thing at the bottom. I do not know how to correct this. Does anyone know?
Oh yeah, also, when I went back to work on Tuesday I found that our firewall has blocked TMO and MySpace!!! How could they do that to me? Am I supposed to work now? No, thankfully not due to gastroenteritis and looking for a new job.
Thank you for listening TMO, I have been reading and not posting today until now if that helps with your lurk to posting ratio, not that I am a newbie, but still.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I reckon the bomb hoax call from your dad was actually Ben pretending to be your dad, to get London to post about the bomb, so he could toy with us once again.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
Sorry Benway, I honestly didn't mean "so EVEN you will be okay"! I was just remembering the boy who thought that that hostage executed in Iraq had had his head cut off for art's sake, etc. etc.
[ 07.07.2006, 07:30: Message edited by: His Life And Crimes ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
You can't have Dr Benway! He's our best one! Here: Have NWoD instead.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Do you remember that time we invaded the goat forum? That was magic. Except that then we realised that we probably took it too far and we all felt bad (or was that just me), and the moderator came over to read our posts about feeling bad and accepted our apologies. That was magic as well, in its poignancy. But Clyfford the goat lives on in all of us, I feel.
And I ended up marrying someone who used to own a fainting goat! How mental is that? I’ll tell you: it’s extremely mental. It’s like extreme ironing, except it’d be mentaling. Extreme mentaling.
I'm going to have to give Darryn some money to get that second one as my image tag.
[ 07.07.2006, 07:41: Message edited by: mart ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I was treated with extreme high-handedness on Barbelith and I quite enjoyed it.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Clyfford!! Awww, that was magic.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: You can't have Dr Benway! He's our best one! Here: Have NWoD instead.
Thanks Thorn! Silver isn't exactly a position I'm unhappy with!
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
My favourite part of the goat saga was the one with Hanninbal Lecter's mask. The reason for such hilarity eludes me now, but I remember laughing so much I thought my eyes were going to come out of my head.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
sorry to hear about your stomach problems, Lisa. How did you get gastrowhatever?
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
I don't know, I think I might have got it from my friend as she had a sicky thing the other weekend.
edit: as in she kept on throwing up for about three days in a row.
[ 07.07.2006, 08:12: Message edited by: Uber Trick ]
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
lol
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
It's the dress that keeps on giving.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Who's the young lady in the middle? She appears to be a bit of a tramp.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Ah, the Goat Field Trip! That was truly a superb day. I remember trying to explain it to someone who never posted on chat boards and I just couldn't do it. Niffer posted as Goatahell, which still makes me smile 3 years later.
I hope you are all well, my internet friends.
Happy Polar Bear Day everyone.
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Who's the young lady in the middle? She appears to be a bit of a tramp.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Sorry, Uber. What I meant to say was she appears to be dressed like a tramp, but is probably a quite lovely and wholesome lassy.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by Uber Trick:
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Paynes.
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
It was my birthday party this year ralph. That item you have dismissed as trampish is the famed pacman corset. Grrr.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
And it looks fantastic on you. Really.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I don't know why no newbies have posted yet Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I'm sure it's just that there's a waiting queue for usernames. Should be some coming in about 2;30ish.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I'm really bored and even my mspaint is being rubbish.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Just for the record: I like the pacman corset. I've never seen one before now, but I'm glad I did. Ralph just doesn't know how to appreciate fashion for what it truly is.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Too much acid back in the hippy days, man.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay:
I'm really bored and even my mspaint is being rubbish.
too small to see what's going on there
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Too much acid back in the hippy days, man.
A combination of that and a very conservative upbringing.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
That's Mikee for you, IAN.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
smallol
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I don't think I can take this any more.
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote: Just for the record: I like the pacman corset. I've never seen one before now, but I'm glad I did. Ralph just doesn't know how to appreciate fashion for what it truly is.
Thank you Zygote, it's handmade (not by me) which is why you wouldn't have seen one before. I love it, and according to the stats on my flickr when I posted pictures of it so do quite a few people. 1,283 to be precise at last view count. Mind you, that does include a gratuitous cleavage shot which probably has something to do with it! Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: I don't think I can take this any more.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
That's sad, Mikee. But big of you to admit it.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:This photo is tagged with: JugsMamsKn-n-n-nockers!!1WubbliesGazootersFwubs
Dude.
[ 07.07.2006, 08:54: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Stop it mart. You're killing me.
Sorry New Way Of Decay.
[ 07.07.2006, 08:57: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
A ten month old boy has just spent the last hour squashing chewed malt loaf into my cleavage.
That's the most excitement I've had in three weeks.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
What about the giraffe cock from last Friday?
Posted by Uber Trick (Member # 456) on :
Recreating classic eighties poses on our grandparents lawn like our favourite boys from Wham!:
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
My goodness! Look how young and lovely.
Whatever happened to Andrew Ridgeley?
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Whatever happened to Andrew Ridgeley?
Last time I saw him, he tried selling me a Big Issue outside a kebab house in Moss Side. The stench of Kestrel Super was overwhelming. He then called me a '**** ', before attempting to urinate up my jeans.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
It's mean to say it and I already feel bad for even thinking it but doesn't London look a bit like that kid from the Wogan show who knew an awful lot about antiques.
Still she's lovely now though.
And so is Uber.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
````
[ 07.07.2006, 09:33: Message edited by: Louche ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
lol. I'll just have to pretend that you didn't respond to me. Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: It's mean to say it and I already feel bad for even thinking it but doesn't London look a bit like that kid from the Wogan show who knew an awful lot about antiques.
Still she's lovely now though.
And so is Uber.
Ouch
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Maybe everyone should post a picture of them from when they were aged 11, on that occasionally-beautiful but most often hideous and vile cusp between childhood and adolescence? Oh, days before hairmousse and sympathetic Japanese stylists, how I do not long for thee.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I burned all the pictures from when I was eleven. It was 1987. The replica Fame outfit was not a good look. For anyone.
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
If Femke can get the scanner to work it's a deal, though the only photo I have of me as a child is one from around the age of 12/13..
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
so, no lurkers at all then?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Speaking of lurking, I see Dizzy Blode Rose is still filling her house and life full of shit, while her fiance soups up his Nova. * Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
haha, weirdly enough, I checked her out only yesterday.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: so, no lurkers at all then?
Certainly looks that way. Can't say you didn't try though, Benway. Unless they're waiting until 3.30pm...
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
It's just us then.
*skims stone across lake*
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I'd like to share my favourite joke of the past week with you, in hopes of reciprocation.
What's black and white and eats like a horse? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
...a Zebra.
*badumtish*.
Your turn. The only way is up, baby.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
okay, this was on "3000 Miles to Graceland" which was on tv last night.
quote: what's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock!
yeaaaaaah, I just told that joke. I told it right there. No turning back for me now.
[ 07.07.2006, 10:22: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
Pretty funny actually. I was going to add a joke, but my jokes are fucking shit.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Who's 1000 foot fall, rock hard, likes blow-jobs and speaks french?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I am.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I'm being forced to watch a DVD of northwest fisheries. This isn't a joke. I just needed to share.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:I am.
I was going to say Gerard Depardieu - but I would've been incorrect.
[ 07.07.2006, 10:31: Message edited by: Zygote ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
The correct answer is Johnny Halliday.
[ 07.07.2006, 10:32: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: I'm being forced to watch a DVD of northwest fisheries.
Mais, pourquoi?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
How's the quest for a French Carpery going, Louche?
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote:
quote:Originally posted by Louche: I'm being forced to watch a DVD of northwest fisheries.
Mais, pourquoi?
My husband's in it. For four seconds. Cuddling a ghostie.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: My husband's in it. For four seconds. Cuddling a ghostie.
A ghost carp? How heavy was it? Pretty rare - decent ghosties.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Four pounder, the ghostie, apparently.
Second lake looking recce planned for September, H1ppy. Sadly, however, work failed to make me redundant, thus failing to constribute a sizeable wad of cash to the 'fuck off to France' fund. The bastards promoted me instead...
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
DVD fisheries and crumby breasts* Whirlwind.
*I don't mean crumby as in 'shit' Once two of my friends were at my flat, one, 'dude b' with his girlfriend who the other, 'dude a' had slept with before they got together. Somehow, she managed to announce that she was worried about what they discussed between themselves in regards to their carnal knowledge of her to which 'dude a' announced 'your fanny's alright' and dude b, not missing a beat added 'yeah it's not too shabby'
Strangely, she went 'hah hah hah' as the room fell silent at this soul withering honesty.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Who's 1000 foot fall, rock hard, likes blow-jobs and speaks french?
I thought it was Chuck Norris.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Louche: Four pounder, the ghostie, apparently.
Mmm. Not quite a specimen, but a lovely looking fish all the same.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
That's Le Chuck Norris to you.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: DVD fisheries and crumby breasts* Whirlwind.
You do better than that with a borked foot, then, mate. Honestly, my world has been shrunken like a elderly plum.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: That's Le Chuck Norris to you.
[ 07.07.2006, 10:43: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Presently I'm imagining you lying on your back on the floor with a gigantocast. Your husband: 'want to watch a DVD of fisheries love?' and the baby being placed on your prone torso. Uselessly Scraping one heel against the carpet, unable to turn to remove the TV away from your peripheral vision while crumbs of malt loaf rain down onto your tits and face.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: You can't have Dr Benway! He's our best one! Here: Have NWoD instead.
Either of them are welcome, really - all are welcome! - well, everyone who isn't just going to pop over to troll for outrage by being a terrible cockfarmer.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I don't know HLAC. After seeing that hilariously pompous 'call for new posters' a few years back I'm kind of 'nah - ah' about the place. The one that was all like "blah blah we're a community of well clever bastards, we've got loads of social / media analysts [lol], but we need scientists to complete our circle of knowledge". Like the place wasn't a collection of bored underachievers wanking on about shit, but was in fact a think tank for the greater good of humanity.
It seems to me like at the moment, the place is chock full of people trying to administrate and regulate the place, like some creaky old communist regime.
Obviously this is only based on the most basic of research.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
That "call for new members" thing seems to have become quite notorious and I was never a big fan - but that was just one person, again. The connection between that and the amount of discussion about the running of the place is that the guy who set it up, Tom, doesn't take a very hands-on approach to running it (deliberately) and isn't always around. So in the meantime other people have to work out how the site should function, in a pretty decentralised way. Ironically this is more democratic than most boards but perceived as more draconian.
Watching other boards grow to certain sizes has made me think there's always a point at which something - or someone - happens that makes the regular members or a majority of people there say "hey, can we have that deleted?" - it's just a question of when, about what, and who does it.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by His Life And Crimes: all are welcome
quote: Cross over, children. All are welcome. All welcome, go into the light...There is peace and serenity in the light.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I don't think that's ever happened on tmo. Maybe it's never been big enough, but other than the infuriating removal of '****', I can't think of a time when somebody has called for censorship. It seems like people over there take great pleasure in wielding authority or forming ad hoc courts and committees, and that the powerplay is part of the experience.
[ 07.07.2006, 11:36: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Yeah. I will decline too. just because although from the outset, maybe TMO looks like a hippy commune with a severe tolerance to racism and bum jokes. It's not personal, but I just feel like I would be up against some hardcore pedantry and twisting of words, when in reality, reading some pages on Barbelith are no different than any other board. I can see there are a lot of funny, interesting and well articulated posters, but with my level of lowbrow communication, it would just feel like kicking against the pricks a bit more. This is why I'd rather stoke the fires of this forum until mayhap we get an influx of newbies. Sadly, it feels like some of my favorite posters, really El Oh El funny posters, brilliant writers and amazing photographers don't contribute things because perhaps they don't actually want to anymore. I can't blame them, but it does make me sad. The site has always been chaotic in some ways, but I've read other boards. Tons of them. Everywhere I go doesn't quite have the same feel. A lot of other boards are outrageously cliquey, where it's just a load of boringly worded plums back-slapping their own hierarchal positions and smiting near brain dead contibutors, with save-the-world solutions to BBC articles. They wouldn't want me is all. I'm sure.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I vote that we ban you, mickey.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I second that vote. It's for the best.
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Everywhere I go doesn't quite have the same feel.
This, at least, I can appreciate. I think a lot of people find a 'home' on the web and will always stick with it no matter how annoying it might get in certain respects. There have certainly been many times I've felt like never visiting That Place again (I'm sure the relative highs and lows would seem like the opposite to some), but you always come back. It's in the timbre of your bones, or something.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I suppose that Roygate was an example of the community coming out and judging somebody, but I feel like the overall result was that we were sorry to see Roy leave. I was weirded out by all these people who haven't posted for years all of a sudden appearing and making the judgements that caused shirtless Roy to leave. I suppose that there was suprise, but overall the 'mood' of the regulars seemed to consist of disappointment, forgiveness, and of course suspicion.
That was all quite sad, but it was an example of the community being placed in a position where a moral decision had to be reached en masse. To this day though, I don't really know what the outcome of that was.
[ 07.07.2006, 11:44: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: To this day though, I don't really know what the outcome of that was, other than Roy leaving.
kovacs left too.
[ 07.07.2006, 11:45: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
I think he was already out the door by then. It was just a good time for a dramatic exit.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph:
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: To this day though, I don't really know what the outcome of that was, other than Roy leaving.
kovacs left too.
As did Fish... and Ben, eventually.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
Fish who had been gone for YEARS before that. Was Ben a direct result of Roygate? I assumed it was a more general lack of enthusiasm as his authority waned. It was probably like, Kovacs had got in so much trouble and caused so much distrust over time that he wasn't able to interact properly here anymore. He needed to start again without the kind of taint that he had developed. As a result, norton lost interest, as he had got off on believing himself to be in some way the intellectual nemesis of kovacs, or at least, he was gratified by being around him. With norton gone, ben lost a toy, and more than that, a means of maintaining moral and intellectual leadership. And all three posters had seperate groups who only really posted when they were shielded by one corner of the triangle.
[ 07.07.2006, 11:58: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
The boy on the left has stolen my legs Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: but overall the 'mood' of the regulars seemed to consist of disappointment, forgiveness, and of course suspicion.
The thing I don't understand was that any suspicion was treated with some kind of theatrical disgust and when I stepped in to explain, that naturally, there would be some suspicion, I felt like I was being strapped into the ducking chair into some kind of reverse witch-hunt. It was most definately otherwordly and surreal. It had a broken context that left me feeling genuinely creeped out and confused by. it was horrible to be honest. It didn't seem to have any tangible understanding, but I guess it pushed the TMO boat into a more reserved and calmer climate, so now would be the perfect time for newbies to join and get stuck in, while all is calm.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
what's a reverse witch hunt?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
what's a ducking chair?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: what's a reverse witch hunt?
You know, I'm not entirely sure, but I guess I was thinking of a mob all facing a witch and yelling 'burn her' and when someone in the crowd says 'why are we burning her again?' the angry mob flings them into the fire too.
If that description isn't quite right, then well, you got me sheriff.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: what's a ducking chair?
It's like a swear filter, but stupider.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
right.
[ 07.07.2006, 12:07: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: right.
I hate you.
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
fine.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
£20 ralph will do a sadface.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
bastard
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
lol.
nice bangs in that earlier picture, btw. small, but nice.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I thought maybe you'd do a sadface because you felt bad that you laughed at my physical abnormality earlier today.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
oh that. lol. to which physical abnormality are you referring?
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
yeah a better picture of the bangs is probably needed.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
eta: dammit.
[ 07.07.2006, 12:19: Message edited by: Bandy ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
well, TMO is winding down for another day. What have we learned? Nothing.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by His Life And Crimes: Either of them are welcome, really - all are welcome! - well, everyone who isn't just going to pop over to troll for outrage by being a terrible cockfarmer.
Mmm. See, the thing is what you call 'trolling for outrage', I just thought was sending myself up; playing the idiot, but you chose to apply specific readings in order to justify feelings of antagonism, like you were really defensive. I dunno. I thought it was obviously a joke directed at me; you assumed I was trying to wind you all up. Also, I suspect the whole mess originated because people didn't actually know what The Story of O was.
[ 07.07.2006, 12:30: Message edited by: Thorn Davis ]
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
x
[ 07.07.2006, 12:27: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
always nice to see Story of O being namechecked
Posted by His Life And Crimes (Member # 796) on :
Well, I may have misjudged you, Thorn. I think my thoughts were "I started the day trying to be nice about TMO and not get the thread about it on Barbelith shut down, and look where it's got us!", 'cos I thought this was another "Let's wind people up and then say how easy it is to wind them up!" moment.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
I think we have learned that on the internet it is easy to get the wrong end of the stick.
not... 2001-2006
peace out.
(2 weeks off)
Posted by Dr. Benway (Member # 20) on :
have a good one
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
Cheers. If Im not posting after 2 weeks I may be dead.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Here's hoping!
ETA: That you have a great two weeks off. Not that you die. Of course not.
[ 07.07.2006, 13:00: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
This...
quote:Originally posted by Dr. Benway: Fish who had been gone for YEARS before that. Was Ben a direct result of Roygate? I assumed it was a more general lack of enthusiasm as his authority waned. It was probably like, Kovacs had got in so much trouble and caused so much distrust over time that he wasn't able to interact properly here anymore. He needed to start again without the kind of taint that he had developed. As a result, norton lost interest, as he had got off on believing himself to be in some way the intellectual nemesis of kovacs, or at least, he was gratified by being around him. With norton gone, ben lost a toy, and more than that, a means of maintaining moral and intellectual leadership. And all three posters had seperate groups who only really posted when they were shielded by one corner of the triangle.
...is the bollocks. Benway's got a talent for that, hasn't he? Well done, Benway. (APPLAUSE)
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
This...
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: The thing I don't understand was that any suspicion was treated with some kind of theatrical disgust...
...is absolutely true. It is the reason I still believe that Roygate was a hoax. Much as I liked Roy. Much as I liked and admired kovacs. It still keeps me up nights and I don't see why the question marks in my head should cause anybody outrage or ill-ease.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Plus, for the record, I recently posted on Barbelith and got some quality responses. So, there...
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
link. please.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Plus, were you kidding about the ducking chair, thing?
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Thanks.
[ 07.07.2006, 13:45: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by Jack Vincennes (Member # 814) on :
When I start my new! exciting! job which lets me look at the internet in work time I will be able to post during the day! Then you will all rue the day you asked people to post more, mwahahah.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I've got a new job, too. Sort of...
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I don't want to post on Barbelith becaue I'm not anywhere near to being an expert on any subject whatsoever. Y'know, I think I'm quite perceptive, but it doesn't strike me as the kind of place where a deep understanding of human emotion is either necessary or encouraged.
Also I can be a terrible **** at times and I don't want to bring about complete rejection over a mere misunderstanding. i just couldn't cope with that right now.
Posted by Ganesh (Member # 685) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: I don't want to post on Barbelith becaue I'm not anywhere near to being an expert on any subject whatsoever. Y'know, I think I'm quite perceptive, but it doesn't strike me as the kind of place where a deep understanding of human emotion is either necessary or encouraged.
No, you'll find that each and every one of us has been upgraded, Cyberman-style, and views that sort of thing solely in terms of weakness. It's non-perceptive, anti-emotional experts only on Barbelith, I'm afraid.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Nah to be honest I just think it's far too much effort. I'm light hearted at best and I think that Barbelith kind of expects a little bit more from its members than I'm really prepared to give. I suppose if you enjoy it enough then you'll automatically put in the effort like people used to around here, but I just don't have it in me to make that kind of a personal investment to be honest. Plus I'm happy enough with the forums I use at the moment, there's not really much that's lacking aside maybe from speaking freely with people who share my nerdy passion for driving.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
Why don't we all take a week off from TMO and go and post over there? Just for a week. And we try, we really try... but not too hard, in case they get the wrong impression. But hard enough. One week. I'll see you ever there. My name is 'London'. I used to matter.
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
I mean, everybody says 'I'm happy with the forums I post with right now!!!!!!!!!:DDD!!!111" like that's not a problem. Hello? ForumS? Forum plural??? Fora???? I remember there were threads about notions of community-infidelity whenever anyone even raised the notion of peeking at another board (unless purposes of said peeking were either mockery (Handbag) or trolling (faintinggoats, etc). Now it's seen as totally fucking not a problem to be utterly board-polygamous, and frankly... I feel betrayed.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
You know that feeling when you arrive at the office party an hour after everyone has left? The taxi came too late; some unlooked for family disaster kept you back? You know you are too late as you enter the empty building but you go into the room anyway, to where it all happened, without you.
It's all there; the evidence of a warm, chattering, human gathering; now cold. The tattered paper streamers draped across the picture frames. The sagging balloons displaying the first sad crinkles across their once bright tautness in the light from the street lights outside. The rank smell of stale beer and that elusive and puzzling smell of dirty socks. The stinky little condom curled up and flaccid in the corner by the photocopier.
Your hand reaches to turn the light on and then falters. No, you don't want to cast a bright light on the sordid remains of what had been a fest you are too late for. Slowly you reach out for the door handle and carefully you pull the door to. You turn and walk away. Behind you in the room, unseen, a torn piece of paper streamer detaches itself from a light bulb and flutters to the floor.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
You stroll towards the lift and jab irritably at the button with your index finger. Some feet below, mechanics whir in reply. It doesn't take long. There's hardly anyone in the building at this time of night. A couple of security guards, a Portuguese cleaner, polishing the bowl out of which Amy eats her muesli each morning. The bowl is clean of course. Amy washes it every day. You know this because Amy's routine is as familiar to you as your own. Entirely unaware of your surveillance, she'll shake out the breakfast cereal in the kitchen then pour the milk (red top, skimmed) into the bowl while she's in motion, crossing the office to her desk. A spoon from the green Tupperware box in her top drawer, a fresh plastic spoon every day, discarded after serving its purpose. She leaves the milk bottle, opened, just in front of her dictaphone and concentrates on her breakfast. Amy eats with a teaspoon, lots of small mouthfuls shovelled into her tight, letterbox mouth in a half spooning/half whisking motion. Some people would probably find it lacking in manners but to you, well, it's just one of the quirks you love about Amy. After the meal, the spoon goes straight into the waste-paper basket, the bowl is cleaned at the kitchen sink. You can only see her legs from your desk but you know what she's doing. You've hovered in there often enough, pretending you like your Earl Grey brewed to the point of stewing. Red hot water, too much washing up liquid. The incredible nape of her neck, its wisps of hair. Her back in that backless thing she wears. Christ you want to touch it. To press your cheek against it. Jesus. More red hot water. Then cold water. Rinsed with cold water. She checks the temperature with a little finger. The water has to run ice cold for the rinsing. Only ice cold water will suffice. Even if it takes an age to cool down, the rinse must be ice cold. Dried with kitchen towel, never the office tea-towel. Polished, once dry, with a final sheet of kitchen roll. The remaining milk poured down the sink and the bottle tossed in the rubbish bin. Why does she do that? Why doesn't she use the milk the following morning? Why doesn't she leave it in the fridge? Why not share it with the rest of the office for their teas and coffees? You've never asked. God her legs look good when she leans over the sink like that. You've never asked her why she pours it away. You've never even spoken to her. You've never told her that her obsessive cleanliness is charming to you. You've never told her that you love her. Somewhere in your open plan office upstairs, a Portuguese cleaner with a complexion the colour of uncooked sausage meat, and a wart like a half-eaten wine gum pasted into the pinkish curtains of her jowls, goes about her business. She hums the first few miserable bars of a fado folk tune, takes up the dirty rag she uses to wipe out the ashtrays and mop up the piss under the toilet seats and smears filth around the clean cereal bowl of the woman you love. She does it every night. She isn't taking time out to use the lift, this cleaner. And neither are the security guards. They're too busy waiting for the next instalment on the CCTV. No one is using the lift at this time of night. It's with you in moments. Just long enough for a seed of doubt to blossom. Something isn't right. You blink into the open lift, your reflection blinking back from its mirrored walls. A ping and the doors close. The lift remains on your floor. It isn't going anywhere. It has no other appointments, nowhere to be. Your reflection waits behind those doors, available at the touch of a button. But you don't press the button. No one presses the button. Suddenly you're back at the door to the office. You don't remember walking there. Your hand hovers over the handle but a voice inside the room stops you. It's her voice. Amy's voice. But...oh. Oh.
"It's OK," her voice says. "It's OK, that was the lift. He's gone."
The security guards don't even notice you leave the building. Marty, the young one is laughing at something on the CCTV monitors. The other one, you forget his name but he looks like Thomas Hearns when he was a welterweight, is speaking – "Fucking hell, look at the size of him! You're gonna be walking like John Wayne tomorra girl."
The revolving door spits you into the rain.
[ 08.07.2006, 07:14: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
Way to go!
Who's doing the next instalment?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I would if I could, but I can barely think. I went out on the tiles with my brother. All I can remember is him wrestling a hapless bystander to the ground in a playful if boundary crossing blunder and trying to get two foul beasts with croydon facelifts to talk to him.
That and locking myself in the toilet to get away. Sending out beacons of distress to anyone who would listen.
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
God I love Jonesy
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
