I know it may seem unrealistic to make this bold statement at the grand old age of 27, but I have. Premature or not, I have met the black to my white, the Yin to my Yang. And I don’t mean that in a ‘you complete me’ kind of way. Fuck you, Jerry Maguire. Fuck you right along with my arch nemesis.
The company I work for has an unfortunate habit of foisting the children of the boss’s friends upon us in the form of ‘internships’. By ‘internship’, I mean a process that goes something like this – young person turns up in office on day when CEO is out at lunch. No-one knows who they are. Eventually, the HR person – doubling as receptionist, thus somewhat underlining the way our company feels about positive treatment of employees - will conclude that it might be fun for them to come and kick around under our feet for a week, as we work in a ‘creative’ bit of the company, where a snot-nosed brat will be right at home sitting on the floor with a packet of crayons colouring like the rest of us probably do every day.
Whether this is fun for us or not is never debated. For the record, it never is.
Sometimes, just sometimes, this random assignment of labour can work. They are all posh so benefit from educations that cost more than my parent’s house, and have also been taught to believe they are better than everything, so have no qualms about ringing up plebs to demand copy/images from them as if it were their god-given right. However, more often than not, it backfires. They have been taught to believe they are better than everything, and this includes us. This means, more often then not, that we have to leave them doing the fun stuff whilst we scrub around in spreadsheets, as the amount of heavy sighing and rolling of eyes that occurs should we suggest that they might like to go ahead and start pulling their fucking weight because their father hasn’t bought them into Merrill Lynch QUITE yet just isn’t worth the bother. If you want something doing….
Anyway. We’ve managed over the last year or so to ignore this worrying trend, largely because there’s nothing we can do about it, and also because these hellish glimpses into the lives of the young, posh and loaded are normally limited to a week at a time. However, for the last three months – and for the forthcoming five – we have been forced to deal with one of the worst examples of what happens when parental stupidity cements a continued avoidance of the real world. I hate him. I HATE HIM.
Lurch – for I will call him that, due to irritating habit number one: the continued lurking around corners, in kitchens, behind desks – is a living breathing human nightmare. I have actually lost sleep over him. His arrogance (‘I don’t think I’m going to do that’) knows no bounds. His sheer breath-taking ability to say the wrong thing in any given situation ON PURPOSE is staggering (to three very tired, very stressed people staring down the barrel of an all-nighter in work: ‘Is it always this last minute? It just seems really unprofessional to me.’) I have given him things to do urgently, telling him I needed them in half an hour, and then walked past his desk five minutes later to see him laughing at something on Facebook (‘yeah – I was just taking a personal email break. I didn’t think you meant really urgent’). I hate him. He failed to come in the Monday of our deadline week without letting us know, and then stared at me when I asked him to stay a little later to make the hours up as we were really busy, and then left. At 4.30. Just took his coat and left. I. HATE. HIM. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HIM.
The worst thing is, he’s doing all this because he knows we won’t fire his sorry arse – even though the CEO has now requested specifically that I fire him because, and I quote, ‘He gives me the creeps’. Obviously he can’t do it because that would get him in to trouble with his mate. When this was suggested, because I am an IDIOT of BIBLICAL FUCKING PROPORTIONS I said we should keep him on to help with our deadline, but he has done nothing except be rude to us, redefine slacking and PISS ME OFF. GOD.
So – I’m going to fire his sorry fucking arse. Basically, I think what I’m asking for, forum, is the following:
Veering into fantasy, how should I get rid of him? If some arrogant little shit had been making your life miserable for 3 months and you were finally given carte blanche to get rid of him in any way you chose, how would you do it? I want maximum humiliation/suffering here.
How should I really fire him? Our HR department is too busy answering phones and filing her nails to help – it has to be me. Anyone got any experience of this?
And:
Any of you ever met your arch nemesis? Who came off worse? Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
Isn’t this where your movie sidekick would tell you to make work so miserable for him that he is forced to quit? This of course causes hillarious hijinks and in the end, you share a tense but romantic moment after a food fight and both run off into the sunset to start your own company together?
[ 13.11.2006, 10:49: Message edited by: rooster ]
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Yeah, that does sound pretty unprofessional. Have you considered asking your boss to send you on some kind of time management course, so you don't wind up facing an 'all nighter'? To be honest, time management is pretty much the most basic skill you need to master in the workplace so it's worth doing. Don't blame yourself entirely - it's partly up to your manager not to put you in a position where you're so obviously out of your depth. Reckon your best course of action is to thank this guy for pointing up your weakness, and then go to HR and see if they can get you on a course. In the meantime, this new guy sounds like he can probably manage your workload in your absence. If he's allowing time for adequate breaks sounds to me like he's pretty on top of things. In a way, you should be grateful you've got people of that caliber to hold the fort while you bring yourself up to an acceptable standard. Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
.
[ 13.11.2006, 14:49: Message edited by: ralph ]
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
I've never suffered such a situation as you are reporting. I have suffered under a pathetically ineffectual project manager who was eventually canned and replaced by one who was merely chronically passive aggressive instead (and who is on holiday this week, o joy!)
For utmost embarrassment you should arrange the whole 'turn up in morning, bawling out in clear view/hearing of rest of office, clear out desk, frisk pockets and escorted from the building by hulking security guard' schtick, if at all possible.
However, a slightly more 'safe' approach would be something along the lines that it's apparent from his performance and attendance that he has no real interest in/is not suited to working within your industry/company, and that therefore to save wasting both your and his time, you believe it would be best all round if he were to finish up today, no hard feelings etc.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
Lurch is such an excellent derogatory name. There was an old gimmer who worked in our village shop for a while who was christened that by the local kids- it just fitted him exactly.
Technically, I don't think you can really fire someone unless they've broken their contract, and sadly people aren't contractually obliged to be not-stupid. You can use the no-show on a deadline week, and early departure incidents as valid reasons though, I should think.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
quote:Originally posted by rooster: Isn’t this where your movie sidekick would tell you to make work so miserable for him that he is forced to quit? This of course causes hillarious hijinks and in the end, you share a tense but romantic moment after a food fight and both run off into the sunset to start your own company together?
I forgot to add - he is 8 foot tall, 50cm wide and his irises are the same colour as his pupils, so you cn never tell what he's looking at. My CEO was on the money when he said he gave him the creeps. chances of office romance therefore beyond zero.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
but i thought you liked the freakishly tall?
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
...oh. And come ON, Davies, I can't believe you don't have an arch nemesis lurking in the wings...
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
Do you have building security staff? They come in handy for these sorts of situations. Arrange a meeting with him in your office (or perhaps even better a third party conference room) at a specific time. Arrange for security staff to arrive 5 minutes after he does (can be challenging, though, expecially if said twit tends to think punctuality is beneath him, and- well, we've all met these sorts of people). The conversation can be short and sweet, especially if said person is an at-will employee, along the lines of "you're an ineffectual waste of space and we have no use for you; security will now accompany you back to your desk to recover any personal items and then escort you from the building."
If there's any sort of employment contract involved, of course, all of the above becomes irrelevant and you're probably stuck in the morass of documenting and proving cause for termination of employment- or in other words, he's pretty much there for life unless he actually kills someone or something.
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
The joy of him having no contract is that we can pretty much fire him at any time - I like Froopy's idea of sending in the heavies.
And Hippy - there's tall, and then there's freakishly tall. bandrew thankfully stops just inside the margins for freakazoidity.
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
quote:Originally posted by scrawny: ...oh. And come ON, Davies, I can't believe you don't have an arch nemesis lurking in the wings...
The whole world is my "arch nemesis". But don't worry. I know it looks like I'm on the back foot at the moment but I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve yet. I won't be giving up without a fight.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Hi Lurch. Come in, sit down. Now I'm going to be frank with you. We've had serious complaints from several of our male employees regarding the way you have been behaving around them. The complaints are of a sexual nature and I'm sure I don't need to tell you that we have to take these sorts of allegations very seriously. What I'm prepared to do though is cut you a deal. We don’t have to make a big issue out of this, as I understand that this sort of thing on your permanent record could be very damaging. I'm going to leave you here with this pen and piece of paper and when I return in 15 minutes I'm hoping to see a letter of resignation. If you can do that for me, I'm prepared to make this all go away. I hope we're seeing eye to eye on this matter. Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
Scrawny:
I'd have the little fucker walk under a bus. He sounds like the sort of pointless, Oxygen-thieving individual I would have strangled a long time ago, let alone put up with for three months. That you have been able to relate this issue in such a lucid way without turning into a rant after the first sentence is testament to a patience I do not even come close to having.
As for meeting my arch nemesis, I don't think this has occurred - yet - in spite of what some people may say about Ben. The closest I have ever come was when I was in the Czech Republic with around another twenty or so other students, and one of them - after acting all pally for a few weeks - suddenly stated that we both had a 'serious personality clash'. It all seemed to start (as I discovered sometime later) with our being interested in the same girl - though as she had no interest in him whatsover it didn't even register on my radar as a potential issue.
At this things really started to unravel: the way he seemed to stare all the time irked me, the way he chewed gum all the time - especially when talking - drove me to distraction, the way he walked - or should I say strutted made me want to crack his kneecaps, and listening to his 'street' patois made me want to drive a fist through something solid - like his head. Oh, and he was a Muslim.
The final straw was when the slowly-simmering psychological warfare boiled over into fisticuffs on a third-floor balcony.
With the tension and adrenaline that had built up I could have thrown the **** over the balcony - he was around the same size as me so this wouldn't have been too much of a challenge - but the fear of spending an extended time rotting in a Plzen jail (and more crucially three others who waded in to stop the madness) put an end to things before they got really nasty. From that point on I kept him at a distance, in spite of his constant goading. It did help that everyone else thought he was a **** as well.
Even thinking about that guy makes me want to hunt him down and turn him into a Halal brisket.
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
These guys (Scrawny's and Samuelnorton's) are just people who really piss you off though, aren't they? Neither could really be described as a nemesis.
[ 13.11.2006, 12:07: Message edited by: Dedalus ]
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
You've probably already thought of this Scrawny but I would suggest that you make a record of his misdemeanours. Make sure you record dates, his response when tackled and, most importantly, the detrimental impact his actions/behaviour has had on your team and the organisation as a whole. If your company has something along the lines of 'mission statements' or 'organisational values', look at how he has conflicted with these. When you are thinking about how he responded when challenged, consider whether this resolved the situation/problem or actually added to it. Making a record like this will mean that you will be able to come up with examples and evidence if you are challenged re the sacking.
As for the sacking itself, if you have security staff on site, it might be an idea to have them on standby ready to escort him from the building once the deed is done. I think it's important to formalise the whole thing - call him into a meeting room (if you can have someone else with you to act as a witness, that would be excellent) and politely but firmly (and to the point) tell him that due to performance issues that have come to light over the past few months, his services are no longer required and he is required to collect his personal effects and leave the building immediately.
If he's a smart-arse, he might try to come back at you with something along the lines of "well, if I have performance issues, then why didn't you flag these up before/organise training to address them etc?" (although if he's massively arrogant, he may not be able to contemplate the fact that he has been under-performing) - you might wish to remind him that he has no contract with the company and, in light of how he has responded to attempts to discuss difficulties with him before, this is the appropriate course of action. Don't be tempted to enter into any open discussion - try and keep to the point as much as possible.
One word of advice - do try and speak to HR if at all possible first. You wouldn't want to go through this only to find out later that there is a policy in place for relieving casual staff of their duties, which you haven't followed because you didn't know about it. If Lurch's parents are the pushy sort, they could well try to cause a stink at what they will undoubtedly view as the utterly unfair treatment of their darling little Transylvanian Henchman.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Oh, and he was a Muslim.
Superb.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Snorton’s story is great. Let’s look at the details here.
There was this guy doing all these annoying things like walking and chewing gum. Snorton bigs himself up a bit here because he suggests that even though the guy was evenly matched to him physically, He would have been able to easily beat him. Clearly it would take a man of gargantuan proportions, a veritable man-mountain to fell our Snorton.
Of course, the clincher is that the guy was a Muslim. Now we can understand the real motivation here. It’s understandable that Norton would get a bit miffed that a fellow Muslim brother might make eyes at a woman that he should clearly have realised was Snorton’s property. This is probably why they make them wear face masks.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
luh-o-luh
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Don't forget talking he really hated the way he would talk. All of these things combined.... you know, bodily functions, were enough for Snorton to easily want to voice about his inner hatred and come to blows with him. I wonder if Snorton and his Muslim nemesis are actually a bit Tylor Durden and we can look forward to Snorton hurling himself down a few flights of stairs by his own collar or blowing chunks of his own brain out?
Posted by Thorn Davis (Member # 65) on :
Whenever Snorton relates a story from his past I'm always reminded of that line in I'm Alan Partridge where they say "Alan, I've noticed that every anecdote in your autobiography ends with the sentence 'Needless to say, I had the last laugh'".
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: "Alan, I've noticed that every anecdote in your autobiography ends with the sentence 'Needless to say, I had the last laugh'".
Aye. In fact, I've heard it on good grounds actually that our mate, Muzzer, as he likes to be called did that particular girl in the wrong un and wiped his peenarse over a picture of a World War 2 fighter pilot. Probably one of the better ones actually now that I think about it.
Posted by Samuelnorton (Member # 48) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: There was this guy doing all these annoying things like walking and chewing gum. Snorton bigs himself up a bit here because he suggests that even though the guy was evenly matched to him physically, He would have been able to easily beat him. Clearly it would take a man of gargantuan proportions, a veritable man-mountain to fell our Snorton.
Oh, lol. I'd say I did have the better of him during the balcony exchange - and as for the rest of it, they were things that wouldn't have been annoying in themselves, but when rolled together created a feeling that amounted to the Chinese water torture. He talks gormlessly while chewing gum. Drip. He struts past with that loose-limbed gait when when I am trying to have my lunch. Drip. He talks about launching some fucking Jee-had. Plop. You get the picture.
This is how and why some people can drive others to commit murder for reasons an outsider would see as completely and utterly insane.
I would challenge you to say that you have never been driven to distraction by the otherwise irrelevant tics of someone whom you know you despise. Hell, my posts probably make some of you people think certain things eh?
quote:Of course, the clincher is that the guy was a Muslim. Now we can understand the real motivation here. It’s understandable that Norton would get a bit miffed that a fellow Muslim brother might make eyes at a woman that he should clearly have realised was Snorton’s property. This is probably why they make them wear face masks.
What's with the 'fellow Muslim brother' bullshit? For pity's sake.
NWOD:
quote:Aye. In fact, I've heard it on good grounds actually that our mate, Muzzer, as he likes to be called did that particular girl in the wrong un and wiped his peenarse over a picture of a World War 2 fighter pilot. Probably one of the better ones actually now that I think about it.
I only found out about our shared interest long after said events took place. And if I ever thought he might have wiped his whatnot over an image of Rudel, Rall or Hartmann, I would have gutted the fucker. Well, OK, perhaps nothing that drastic.
[ 14.11.2006, 17:08: Message edited by: Samuelnorton ]
Posted by sabian (Member # 6) on :
Scrawns... Put something valuable in his overcoat, a few minutes later have a major freak out on the office floor and announce that since you don't have the power to search people yourself, you've called the police to conduct the search for the missing article and then just sit back and wait for the sweet honey of revenge to slide down your gullet of contentment!
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: man-mountain
Jesus Christ! This is a real term? I never heard it before until the head master at my daughter's school decided, during a full assembly, to introduce me to all attending as "Andy, the American man-mountain"... I thought he was just a bit touched, but now I see it's a real term. I don't know if I should be honoured or even more creeped out! :paranoid:
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
I'm really liking Sabian's solution here, but at the same time I'm wondering whether he's been reading a little George Hayduke recently.
ETA: Note that his books are "for entertainment purposes only". Hee hee.
[ 14.11.2006, 18:54: Message edited by: froopyscot ]
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I met my arch nemesis for the first time five weeks ago. She's already won.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by sabian: "Andy, the American man-mountain"... I don't know if I should be honoured or even more creeped out! :paranoid:
It's a typical sports commentator kind of term, like talking about a giant rugby player or a "built like a brick shithouse" wrestler (but a politer version). Usually meant as an honour I'd say; spoken in awe. Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: And if I ever thought he might have wiped his whatnot over an image of Rudel, Rall or Hartmann, I would have gutted the fucker.
I miss Stevie. Posted by Waynster (Member # 56) on :
Scrawny, if you can't beat him, fuck with him. Not in the literal sense, but scare him into a state of submission - not only will this knock the wind out of his sails, but will bring everlasting glee through revenge. Sabians idea is great, but if you are not up for the verging on the criminal, perhaps a modern adaptation of the apprentice hell that I and every other apprentice through time has had to go through should bring him down a peg. Think long weights, tartan paint but a bit more original and befitting to your trade. Also find his weaknesses and exploit them - is he at all homophobic? That's always a good one with a letter of affection from some anonymous male colleague - tried and tested some years back on a prat of a colleague who lasted not too much longer (my mate Steve could be quite the gay poet we discovered).
Does he leave his computer unlocked? A few trips to porn sites should send alarm bells ringing in the IT department - filthier the better. Maybe a few gay porn mags hidden in his paperwork which could be strategically exposed at the right moment.
Perhaps a way of very publically embarrassing him - drugs are good - a strategically placed bag of fine white sugar expertly placed to drop and break when he stands up can bring a lot of trouble.
Keep up with the pranks and he will realise someone has it in for him - of course this is best if several of your workmates are of the same tired opinion of him, and can be roped in for support. The more the merrier (and get out of jail options)
Above all, and seriously, don't let him make you lose sleep - it will only make you ill. If your boss has said he wants him out, go to HR, or better still get him to go to HR and get them to do their job. That's what they are supposed to be there for, and plus they should have all the knowledge to get rid of him quickly and legally.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Scrawny. As he's got no contract, surely there'd be no legal comeback, so screaming at him about how shit he is, with your face close enough for him to feel your spittle, should both excise your bile and bring him down a peg. Finishing off with 'now get out of my sight' and a point to the door would also be good fun.
I have recently managed to get rid of an incompetent colleague via a combination of backstabbing and subterfuge which, while effective, has been gnawing away at me inside. Far better to be open.
Also, Jonesy - I want to know about your nemesis.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I met my arch nemesis for the first time five weeks ago. She's already won.
I want to hear about this.
Posted by Jack Vincennes (Member # 814) on :
You can also - and I think I've said this here before but it bears repeating - be alarmingly rude to people before they start noticing that that is happening.
I mostly dealt with my arch nemesis using the power of passive aggression, and it didn't make me happier but it might be worth trying. You could pretend he is using words wrongly whatever he says ("*snicker* Oh... do you even know what that word means?"), or maybe treat him like he is an errant pupil to your firm but fair primary school teacher.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
How about telling the truth? I mean, it seems obvious, but the sheer relief of saying, now Lurch, you total fucking spoon, this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm afraid that your employment here isn't working out. Then give a few lists of things like chipping off early and missing deadlines is the requirement for the position. Then, and this is the best bit, enjoy the internal lol as you say 'maybe you are not cut out for this line of work. We've decided to let you go now, so you can get a headstart on looking for a more suitable role'
Return to your desk and simply say in a calm and precise manner: "Chuckle"
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: ...screaming at him about how shit he is, with your face close enough for him to feel your spittle, should both excise your bile and bring him down a peg.
Sadly it might also give him an erection.
My suggestion - make up some three letter acronyms (with your colleagues) with which to pepper your conversations.
"Richard, can you please make sure to send the PTK files to MMG? And you know I'm going to need some RBNs for the DOL meeting, right? Tell me you're on it."
When he looks confused and sheepishly asks what these letters stand for, just roll your eyes and say "Jesus" under your breath. Ideally some of your colleagues should look at him with open mouths, and one should try to stifle a chuckle whilst staring into their monitor. Then simply pass the made-up responsibility on to another team member who should nod as if they understand exactly what you mean.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Or, better: tell him there's some task that you are all too busy to do and as it's considered to be low priority and ask him to take a look when he's not bothered. Inside the folder is a single slip of paper that says 'U R Fired. PWNED' and maybe get Stephen Hawkins poised by the water cooler to say that bit out loud as he reads it. A boxing glove/spring device would also be awesome.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
lol(p45)
Posted by scrawny (Member # 113) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Or, better: tell him there's some task that you are all too busy to do and as it's considered to be low priority and ask him to take a look when he's not bothered. Inside the folder is a single slip of paper that says 'U R Fired. PWNED' and maybe get Stephen Hawkins poised by the water cooler to say that bit out loud as he reads it. A boxing glove/spring device would also be awesome.
This is a fucking AWESOME suggestion. I love it.
Thanks for other suggestions too, guys - Herbs, I love the pointing to the door bit, but fear as Misc suggested that this guy is weird enough to get aroused by any displays of affection.
But - I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GO AHEAD TO DO IT. I'll keep you posted x
Posted by Dedalus (Member # 892) on :
You should also do the "fuck you very much" thing where he hears it and thinks did she just say what I thought she said but isn't sure because you're still, like, smiling.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
little cuts - little cuts on the backs of the knee. They'll never heal....
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
you should post it on youtube
Posted by Amy (Member # 11) on :
Scrawny, if the CEO doesn't want to fire him, because it's his friends son, and he doesn't want his friend to get mad at him...won't the friend get mad at you? And if so, could this cause problems for you at work? If so, could you take over reception, while HR fires him?
Posted by vikram (Member # 98) on :
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