After a gap of six years of speaking to my Mother, we are now back in contact. As I mentioned previously, she wants me to go out to visit her in Kansas (yeeehaw) I wonder what it must be like to grow up under my Mother's iron rod of parenthood. The one thing I've learnt from what I know of her, when she wants things to go her way, it's usually her way or the highway. Even if logic contradicts. Not only does she wear the trousers, but she cuts yours up into pieces and stomps on the fabric.
Yesterdays saga was that the boys (eight years old, twins) wanted to go and play at the 'other kids' house and my Mother blankly refused. "They can come over here, but you have to play outside" She commanded. "I don't want you boys messing up my nice clean house" So this is what happened. The boys from over the road came over and my mother made them play outside or not at all. The heat was 105. The scenario was not unlike a time my Brother and I went to stay with her. She had a convertible and so teenage boys demanded that we drive with the top down. "I don't the wind to mess up my nice new hair" Now this was the first time I'd ever been to the states, but after that I really want to have a word with John Hughes. In fact, all of my illusions of an exciting time were shattered when I discovered that my Mother bought the TV guide and had a TV. Now apparently the other family, living in at 101 Irresponsible Parents Street had allowed the kids to go on a trampoline without a safety net. I am starting to think this will turn into a hilarious holiday. Except that I asked "So they know they have a two big older brothers right?" to which there was a pause. "....not yet. I plan on telling them. I think they are old enough"
Woah. So their idea of what their family is will be ripped asunder this year as a man arrives and says "hullo, I am your brother" I fear their minds might actually snap. I think I was told everything from the get-go. There were no surprises for me essentially when I was a toddler. They are 8 years old. Is this leaving things a bit late? Do you think that it's best to espouse a very open honesty with these things? Not only will they be fighting for attention from their Mother, being twins and all, but then some great big man (remember that I will look that way to them) will be knocking around their domain taking up her time. Shall I grow a big beard? And talk like Brian Blessed for the entire time? Should I be surprised? Should I be indifferent? Can I finally hand down the stick of bullying by wrestling them in the living room to Nickelodeon?
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Ralph you are banned from making a joke that they are probably the same height, ok?
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
May I make a comment? Tell me if it is out of line because I don't know you and can only get a glimmer of the scenario from what you have said.
Sticking just to the question about your kid brothers, I think they'd have to know sooner or later and later might mean more resentment. Isn't eight still young enough to think it is OK if you are cool about it when you get there? Won't they be more curious than jealous? If you are sensitive to them when you are there (and act like you are OK - no beard or bear hugs first off), they should be OK.
Of course, you can't factor in for the effect the way your mum handles it whilst you are there affects them.
If I were you, I'd be friendly and interested in them without pursuing them around the house sort of thing. Take your cue from them.
The sensible thing of course is for your mother to prime them about the relationship before you get there. She will, won't she?
I hope you don't mind me saying that.
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
When they are older they will think you are cool because when you go out together your accent will attract the ladies
If you do come you'll have to fly through Boston and froopy and I will take you out for dinner or drinks or something.
In any case, being an only child myself, I would have loved to meet long-lost siblings and often daydreamed about it.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by sam: May I make a comment? Tell me if it is out of line because I don't know you and can only get a glimmer of the scenario from what you have said.
You may comment away. To be honest with you, I don't really know what the situation is myself. I can only guess really. So you are probably as much in the know as I am.
quote:Sticking just to the question about your kid brothers, I think they'd have to know sooner or later and later might mean more resentment. Isn't eight still young enough to think it is OK if you are cool about it when you get there? Won't they be more curious than jealous?
Now see, this was the aspect I was thinking about: sibling rivalry. Curiosity at first, then confusion. To be told at 8 years old that you have two other brothers knocking around the planet is probably going to be a massive 'woah' factor. The aspect of jealousy I think is just something I know about growing up around 3 other siblings. When I worked in the nursery, the kids would really fight for attention. I'm speculating. Haven't a clue really. They might be elated. they might be miffed. They might be indifferent. That's the sort of speculation I was interested in. In a way, it;s kind of exciting to see how they take to me, but I do have this weird niggling feeling that it's not something you drop into conversation at the dinner table. I guess they are going to find out that this isn't the first time my Mother has been through a divorce. I didn't mention that before did I?
quote:Of course, you can't factor in for the effect the way your mum handles it whilst you are there affects them.
Yeah, see experience would suggest she's do something like pick me up from the airport and introduce me to them with "now boys......this is your older brother Michael" and we'll see the exact moment in their lives everything goes skew-wiff.
quote:If I were you, I'd be friendly and interested in them without pursuing them around the house sort of thing. Take your cue from them.
I like this. It almosts makes out like I would actively stalk them like David Attenborough finding a new alien species. With a magnifying glass muttering "curious specimin" I think I'll just act like I normally do with kids. Unless they want a scrap.
quote:The sensible thing of course is for your mother to prime them about the relationship before you get there. She will, won't she?
See above. She might not. I have a feeling she might present it in such a drop-kick way that she might as well have me leap out of a cake with a 'Number 1 Son' t-shirt. My mother left when I was very young and I was told pretty much what the score was. I knew everything there was about my family from the moment it happened and it kind of prepares you. It is just the way things are. That's why I was surprised my mother decided there was a 'right time' to tell them. I guess they'll might just be a bit 'tevs' about the situation. Hopefully, they will revere me as their god. Which is what I strive for in life. Obviously.
quote:Originally posted by rooster: When they are older they will think you are cool because when you go out together your accent will attract the ladies
If you do come you'll have to fly through Boston and froopy and I will take you out for dinner or drinks or something.
In any case, being an only child myself, I would have loved to meet long-lost siblings and often daydreamed about it.
When they are old enough to go drinking in Kansas, I will be 48
I'm mulling over the stop on the way to Kansas actually, because, well you know, dinner and drinks would be all sorts of awesome. Then you could tell me about your imagined siblings.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay:
quote:If I were you, I'd be friendly and interested in them without pursuing them around the house sort of thing. Take your cue from them.
I like this. It almosts makes out like I would actively stalk them like David Attenborough finding a new alien species. With a magnifying glass muttering "curious specimin" I think I'll just act like I normally do with kids. Unless they want a scrap.
It's more likely that they will stalk you as the new specimen.
You sound like you have it taped tbh
Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :
Mikee, she simply has to tell them that you are their brother before you turn up. It puts too much pressure on you and them to Jerry Springer it on them - after all, she's responsible for the fact that you have a relationship at all.
Have you spoken to them on the 'phone before? I wonder if there is some way it can be arranged so that you can be sure they know before you go and not just one her say-so, if you don't trust her to be truthful (sorry if that's not an issue here). Chances are they'll just accept that's the way things are and be excited to see you, and she'll have to deal with any fall-out later.
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
If you are going out soon, enjoy the trip. Your mum sounds challenging but interesting, and your brothers sound cool. Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
Man you're so lucky. I wish I was going to America. I'd rent a big American car, like a convertible Mustang or something, and just drive it around everywhere with the top down and all the chicks would just go mental for me.
Ive got loads of family in Ireland, but it's just not the same.
Lucky
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
This is so simple.
All you have to do is turn up with a bag packed full of toys and English chocolate.
If you have a licence it would also be cool to turn up on a motorbike.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Gail: Mikee, she simply has to tell them that you are their brother before you turn up. It puts too much pressure on you and them to Jerry Springer it on them - after all, she's responsible for the fact that you have a relationship at all.
Have you spoken to them on the 'phone before? I wonder if there is some way it can be arranged so that you can be sure they know before you go and not just one her say-so, if you don't trust her to be truthful (sorry if that's not an issue here). Chances are they'll just accept that's the way things are and be excited to see you, and she'll have to deal with any fall-out later.
That's exactly it! Part of me thinks she'll intend to do it and not get around to it. I do worry that she may just coat the truth. The reason I feel so confident about this, is because when I was growing up my Father never said a bad word about my Mother. Not one thing, but he told me most of the facts. So when I actually met my Mum, there was something not quite right about things. She would sugar-coat or curtail around everything, so I can't really imagine her being a big bag of honesty about these things right now. But, no, no phone. It's not quite the truth I've never been able to get out of my mum. She's just one of these people that if you don't ask, you'll never really know.
Thanks for replying with your thoughts peeps. I am shrugging my tits off here. I am completely [scooby]ryrunno raggy[/scooby] as to know what to think. I feel like I will be watching it all from the cockpit of some giant robot who is interacting with other people. Playing some role in a scenario I can't even relate to.
Er, Ringo, we can go out there anytime you fancy. But it's Kansas. Kansas. Do you know what their gimmick is? Yes. The Wizard of Oz. You can look forward to Nike Air Toto T-shirts and straw men. It's a place where Softball is considered a sport. For those who don't know about Softball, that would be like having a Rounders league. Or a Hula Hoop championship.
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: Man you're so lucky. I wish I was going to America. I'd rent a big American car, like a convertible Mustang or something
why is it that every english person i know has rented a mustang convertible when in the states? is there a book out there called 'how to pick up american gals the english way' and car type is one of the criteria?
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
Just to buck your statistics, I hired a Ford Focus. It was called 'compact', but rather than the dear little Focii of Britain, it was vast. It took about half an hour to cross the time line. Or whatever they're called.
I didn't pull any chicks, though...
[ 11.08.2006, 05:44: Message edited by: herbs ]
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: Just to buck your statistics, I hired a Ford Focus. It was called 'compact', but rather than the dear little Focii of Britain, it was vast. It took about half an hour to cross the date line.
It was probably a Focus sedan. Americans tend to prefer a trunk on their cars.
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
A trunk? How extraordinary.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grianagh: is there a book out there called 'how to pick up american gals the english way'
Now, I could be wrong but it sounds like this actually works. Gri, can you confirm or deny that two svelt british boys, one sausaged skinned Keynesian and his pastie companion will cause a mexican whump if we rent a massive all-american cock replacement and drive it through the nightlife of Kansas City?
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by herbs: A trunk? How extraordinary.
An American Car, yesterday.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
I can't actually afford to go to America, let alone rent a car Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...: If you have a licence it would also be cool to turn up on a motorbike.
Come on Bandy pick on someone your own size... Like him for instance Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
Sorry Mikey. Sorry everyone
In related MiniMoto news I saw a gang of about ten teenagers on small bikes get pulled over on Fenchurch Street this week. One of them looked like he was doing a bit of a cry underneath his hoody.
Posted by Bandy (Member # 12) on :
Note: Anyone visiting http://www.giantsandgirls.com should realise that it is NSFW
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
I should get a mini-moto and I would look GIANT.
Apply same joke except with carney girlfriend. Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bandy: Note: Anyone visiting http://www.giantsandgirls.com should realise that it is NSFW
What a fantastic site tho!
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by not...:
That's not funny, not. Andre is dead. Poor Andre.
I met him once. As large as he seemed to be tv, he was massive in real life. I'd never seen anyone that big since. It gave me a little glimpse into how nwod must feel every waking moment.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
That news will lend a bittersweet tang to every future viewing of The Princess Bride :sad:.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
Andre the Giant was dying of a poison dart to the neck for three years. It will be 2008 until Roddy Piper suddenly leaps up, with a look of horror in his eyes and says to Ric Flair "He was nae talking aboot slur possums, ken ye nae see he was murdered man?"
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: Gri, can you confirm or deny that two svelt british boys, one sausaged skinned Keynesian and his pastie companion will cause a mexican whump if we rent a massive all-american cock replacement and drive it through the nightlife of Kansas City?
good gawd nwod, i have no idea what makes the girls of kansas city tick....most likely just buying them cheap beer would keep them happy
eta: though driving a convertable as a foreigner in the midwest sounds like a suicide mission to me. they can shoot you easier.
[ 11.08.2006, 07:31: Message edited by: Grianagh ]
Posted by Online Poker (Member # 870) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: That news will lend a bittersweet tang to every future viewing of The Princess Bride :sad:.
I watched that AGAIN the other night. I love that film, man. Never gets stale.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grianagh: good gawd nwod, i have no idea what makes the girls of kansas city tick....
Thumbs, I reckon.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Hey nwod, I found something for you to check out while you're in Kansas. This might not be your sort of thing, but I've always wanted to visit the Kansas capitol building and check out some the impressive murals they have. This one of John Brown depicts his fight against slavery:
and was also used as the first album cover for one of my favorite bands:
Like I said, a trip to the Kansas capitol isn't for everyone.....
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
oh i like kansas also, used to listen to dust in the wind over and over
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grianagh: oh i like kansas also, used to listen to dust in the wind over and over
God I hate that song. Not only has it been played to death, but it's not indicative of the style of music that they do.
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grianagh: oh i like kansas also, used to listen to dust in the wind over and over
There's not much to do out in the sunflower state then?
[ 11.08.2006, 08:33: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
Posted by Kellifer (Member # 187) on :
I never knew about my two half siblings until last year. Apparently they are called Steven and Lorna, I think. They are probably in their early thirties now and may not even know I exist. Although my Father being asked to sign adoption papers may have tipped off his other family. I never knew about any of this when I was 12 and the adoption went through and just had the family hate to go on, about what sort of person my father was. If I'd known all this at the time, I'd have rather stuck with the old father than the pathetic adopted attempt.
My life is all kinds of fucked up right now and I don't want to add hunting for old family members to my confusion. I've always been curious about where I came from. I think the shock and anger of finding out so late in life, quickly faded to deeper curiousity. Unfortunately now my Mum has no contact whatsoever with my father and has blacked out most of her memory of him, like something in Eternal Sunrise. I get the odd comment here or there, but I guess mostly I'll be stuck with curiousity. The things I have discovered have made me feel less of an alien amongst my family though.
I suppose my point is that honesty as soon as possible is the best way to go. Your Mother has caused you enough hassle in your life Mikee. The ball is in your court. Tell her you won't visit unless you are sure she's told the twins. You don't need anymore of her messes making you carry the burden.
As for how the boys will react. My nine year old halfbrother spends half of any visit or call I make trying to show off to me and half being as disruptive and attention seeking to our Mum as possible. Just be prepared to take things easy and have a few beers with your brother. Don't rely too much on what your Mother has in mind and just go with the flow. The English chocolate is a great idea by the way.
Oh and your Dad is tops for being so truthful with you and your brother. It's very easy to just slag off the absent parent - that's all I ever got - but your old man handled it all with class by the sounds of it. Your lucky to have him.
Posted by New Way Of Decay (Member # 106) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kellifer: I suppose my point is that honesty as soon as possible is the best way to go. Your Mother has caused you enough hassle in your life Mikee. The ball is in your court. Tell her you won't visit unless you are sure she's told the twins. You don't need anymore of her messes making you carry the burden.
Wotcha kelli! Actually, for the longest time I always felt that my Mother felt absent from my life, but more recently I couldn't help feel that it is her that essentially needed support. Still, too late for that. I don't think my thoughts will really be taken into consideration on the matter. It's not my call, but I was interested in whether other people shared my thoughts, or indeed think that it makes no difference either way.
quote:Oh and your Dad is tops for being so truthful with you and your brother. It's very easy to just slag off the absent parent - that's all I ever got - but your old man handled it all with class by the sounds of it. Your lucky to have him.
It was good of him, but it worked in his favour. Apparently all the women in our surrounding street felt sorry for my dad and during the day they would invite him over. I bet he got loads of pity-fucks. The spawney get.
Do you not think about your siblings might be? I'm not sure what the knock on effect of finding out what they might be like would be. It might lead to the road to some sort of closure. But then again, you can't really predict these things.
[ 11.08.2006, 09:31: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
Posted by Kellifer (Member # 187) on :
If I ever make it to that 'ridiculously successful author dream' of mine I'll go on that 'Who do you think you are?' programme and get them to hunt my other family down.
Right now it's just nice to know something about my father and understand a little of why my family life ended up the way that it did. Being thoughtful and creative wasn't really like the rest of my family growing up. Finding out that my father was in the military, a bit of a loner who joined a theatre company in his spare time was enough to show me that perhaps I wasn't just this odd one out kid. I get a kind of peace from that.
Also he had been cheating on his wife, unknown to my Mum at the time, and he had a family already. When I put myself in his place, I wouldn't choose to leave my partner and children for an affair brought about by loneliness probably. I'd likely have shown more interest in my offspring, but I understand why he didn't. If it meant spending anytime with my step-dad I can see why he didn't want to get involved at all.
I see him as a better person for the truth I have been given and I don't hate myself anymore for not fitting in, or being like him when everyone else hates him. He's just a bloke coping with his life and his mistakes like the rest of us. I hope if I ever did meet him, that he'd be a decent sort of bloke, but I've got this far without him and I'm starting to see that I don't need my family to be proud of me in order to live a happy life.
I'm curious to see if I have things in common with my other siblings, I guess, but I have enough pressure in my life at the moment without looking for new ways to stress myself out. Maybe one day. You're lucky to have this opportunity to learn more about an element of your life that has been kept from you all until now. Just enjoy it as much as you can.
Oh and Mikee, no one is too old to need support, maybe as adults you can help each other through this tricky situation and get closer for it. I've found that relating to my family on an adult level instead of their child who needs to be protected, has opened a lot of doors. Of course whether or not the support is deserved is another thing. Put yourself first a bit. Ultimately the relationship is what you make of it. Hope this helps a bit, Misc kept me informed on the Mother situation and my thoughts have been with you, if that doesn't sound too much like a Godbotherer thing to say.
[ 11.08.2006, 10:48: Message edited by: Kellifer ]
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: There's not much to do out in the sunflower state then?
i'm not from kansas. really. where i come from is much worse.
Posted by not... (Member # 25) on :
quote:Originally posted by Grianagh:
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: There's not much to do out in the sunflower state then?
i'm not from kansas. really. where i come from is much worse.
Canvey?
Posted by Grianagh (Member # 583) on :
worse Cave-In-Rock
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Oh. Illinois. That explains a lot.
Posted by turbo (Member # 593) on :
NWOD, please make sure you post about it all when you've been to see them. I have no advice/words to add, but I can imagine that you feel as if you're looking on this situation from a distance. Family relationships are complicated enough in a bog-standard family, but your situation (and Kellifer's, definitely) are out of this world. I wish you lots of good times with your other family and hope everything will just flow naturally once you get there.
[ 12.08.2006, 09:17: Message edited by: turbo ]
Posted by Gail (Member # 21) on :
Any blokes on here born November '77 in Sheffield and adopted? Bad luck, you might be my brother.
[ 12.08.2006, 19:35: Message edited by: Gail ]
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
quote:Originally posted by ralph: Oh. Illinois. That explains a lot.
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