This is topic Men in the delivery room... in forum Sex and Relationships at TMO Talk.


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Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
Ok. I know this is the Daily Mail but it's still pretty interesting:

"A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be present at the birth of their child"

He says:

"I am more and more convinced that the participation of the father is one of the main reasons for long and difficult labours... a labouring woman needs to be protected against any stimulation of the thinking part of her brain - the neocortex - for labour to proceed with any degree of ease... A woman in labour needs to be in a private world where she doesn't have to think or talk.... the father's release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from relaxing.... It has been proven that it is physically impossible to be in a complete state of relaxation if there is an individual standing next to you who is tense and full of adrenaline... mammals cannot release oxytocin - the key hormone in childbirth - when they are also being influenced by the stressful effects of hormones of the adrenaline family."


Whoa. Dear people of this board, I would love you to read this article and let me know of your own experiences of the father being present at the birth. Was he a help / hindrance? Men, was it the most amazing experience of your life, or something you could totally have lived without seeing? Did seeing your partner in that kind of state affect your feelings towards her afterwards, in either a negative or a positive fashion?

Also: are we too politically correct now to dare to suggest that there are some realms of experience which might be better kept segregated along gender lines?

[ 04.05.2008, 21:54: Message edited by: London ]
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
I didn't pay too much attention to him tbh; I was being very busy. There was that tricky moment when he was holding me up during the second labour and dropped me......
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
Men, was it the most amazing experience of your life, or something you could totally have lived without seeing? Did seeing your partner in that kind of state affect your feelings towards her afterwards, in either a negative or a positive fashion?

It was the most amazing experience of my life. Seeing my partner in that state had a very positive affect on my feelings towards her.

It also looks like I'll be witnessing the beauty of birth once again, in December of this year. [Smile]
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
Seriously though; it was important for him to be there and I didn't care after the early stages (when his fussing did annoy me a bit) because, well, you are busy. They are OK if they don't fuss; but to this day I can still remember the tenderness and wonder in his voice when he told me he could see our daughter's head. (Although it was irritating how he grabbed my neck and tried to make me sit up and watch too!) You can't buy that special moment with your child and I am glad he had it.

My advise would be the mother has to have the final say, but if the fella wants to be there and she doesn't want him, perhaps he can sit and watch to one side until she gets really involved and stops thinking about him? Or just come in during the later stages when she is too busy to care? If she wants him and he hates it, he should stay for the screaming and walking around bit and leave when it gets messy, perhaps? I guarantee, if he standing outside when that baby cries, he'll want to dart in straight away; it's a magic sound that reaches straight to your heart.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
It also looks like I'll be witnessing the beauty of birth once again, in December of this year. [Smile]

Wow! Congratulations. [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Cool]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
Thanks. Hoping for a girl. Fourth times a charm, right? [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that. [Frown]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that. [Frown]

Then he's obviously not the man for you.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
Thanks. Hoping for a girl. Fourth times a charm, right? [Roll Eyes]

I almost said I hope you have a girl, but then I thought I ought not to as boys are fine - I have one myself and he is pretty marvellous, and well, nature sometimes doens't do what we want it to. But it would be nice of you could have a girl. [Smile]
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that. [Frown]

...and generally I don't like to involve men in 'medical' things. I always ask for female doctors when registering at a new practice (even though I know that female doctors can be just as unsympathetic as males can be. Even though I know you don't need to have experienced a problem in order to fix it or empathise with the pain.) I had a female therapist after the miscarriage as well. I just feel more comfortable dealing only with women about certain matters. I think I'll feel more comfy with my sister there than with him there, even though I don't want to deny him the experience. Maybe he can wait outside and then come in straight after the delivery?

[ 05.05.2008, 07:36: Message edited by: London ]
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by sam:
But it would be nice of you could have a girl. [Smile]

It would be nice, but I fear I'm too masculine to produce a girl child. [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
I'm scared my partner will go off me if he sees me like that. [Frown]

I have met fellas who didn't want to see their women like that, but I have never met one who went off her because he did. It can make them nervous about having sex again, but when you're ready for it, flash at him to reassure him it's all back to ground zero again, and he'll be fine.

Breastfeeding can be....

Woah! Should I be talking like this on tmo? Have you thought about handbag? Hundreds of mothers on there. [Wink]
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
Yeah, I know. I've been looking at Mumsnet too. But TMO is my online home and has been for a bazillion years! I don't want to just give it up so the boys can talk about Grand Theft Auto, it isn't fair!
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
We *all* don't talk about Grand Theft Auto. Some of us even have kids.
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
Loads of people on here have kids. But I think because TMO has its roots in Seethru when we were all being fashionable nu meedja elite, somehow there's a tendency to not want to talk about such boring un-nu-meedja things as childbearing.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
[QUOTE]I think I'll feel more comfy with my sister there than with him there, even though I don't want to deny him the experience. Maybe he can wait outside and then come in straight after the delivery?

You'd be surprised how many people don't want their partners there. The original quote about distractions had a point. So if you don't want him there all the time, having him outside makes sense so you can call him in at any moment if you change your mind (and send him out again if you want) - bearing in mind you'll be some hours and in quiet moments might want to talk to him.

Your sister can be there anyway and should be if you feel better about her being there; women usually want another woman they are close to. Her being there shouldn't affect what you also decide about the boyfriend. You need to check delivery room size and conditions I guess, to be sure. I know seeing the baby come out seems to be the best bit for them and maybe you won't mind him in then, when the time comes, but as I said before; that first cry and seeing the baby then, before it is cleaned up, is so, so wonderful.

If I was you, I'd speak to your midwife about what is possible first and then, the best thing to do is talk to him about it, and if you need to, go back to the midwife again.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
We *all* don't talk about Grand Theft Auto. Some of us even have kids.

When you speak like that ralph, your atavar so fits!

Sorry London, you are right, of course.

Breastfeeding was a bigger problem for me. My husband (not Mr Sam as it happens), so liked the look of my new , improved boobs, but I could not get my head around him wanting them when my darling child was being fed by them. Even now it makes me shudder.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
off-topic

ralph, you're working, aren't you? You don't have a May bank holiday? I thought you had a Labour Day in May.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
Yes, I'm at work. We have off May 26th (Memorial Day).

[ 05.05.2008, 08:28: Message edited by: ralph ]
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
LOL we are off today! I have worn myself out gallivanting the last two days and am lesson planning today (an inspection in a month eek).

I think I've put London off with my tale of breast-feeding. Not that I imagine there is much more to say about what I said. I must remember to call in and read this thread after work tomorrow; I'm interested in other parent's views.

Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.
 
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by sam:
Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.

It will be. We'll be trying another home birth (London -- have you considered this as an option) but if we do end up at the hospital again, at least this time we'll have health insurance.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ralph:
quote:
Originally posted by sam:
Hope your next birth is cheaper than your last. God, it's an expensive business in America.

It will be. We'll be trying another home birth (London -- have you considered this as an option) but if we do end up at the hospital again, at least this time we'll have health insurance.
Good! [Smile]

In the UK it is not considered clever to have the first birth at home and with it being free, I guess we don't have to.

I had my second at home and it was great, but there was no way I would have had my first at home: I was absolutely petrified! Bejesus, was I scared.

How easy is it now London to have a home birth in the UK? Do you know?
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
Congrats Ralph!

As for the question at hand, I was in the delivery room and involved (as much as possible considering it wasn't me doing the pushing) when our daughter was born - and in the next few days I'll be doing it all over again (assuming baby number two decides she wants to stop fooling with us and come out already; think of it as the world's youngest player of peek-a-boo, played with contractions), and I will be there, with a catcher's mitt on. So to speak.
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
I'm not in the UK, I'm in Sweden. They're not into home births here actually, though they have these centres in hospitals that you can go to if you're trying for a natural birth that are like homes from home, all private rooms and tubs and candles and stuff. But I want to have an epidural. Here all epidurals are 'moving epidurals' and I think there is not the tendency towards the whole cascade of intervention thing that you get in the UK and the US. Maybe if I have another kid I might try a home birth. But for now? I don't think so.

Have you seen The Business of Being Born btw? It's very interesting. Loved the bit when the midwife was having the horrible labour. I cried pretty much the whole way through. Not sure why. I cry when I think about birth (combination of fear and excitement) and about meeting the baby and whatever.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
I knew you were in Sweden, but somehow you are always in England when I actually think about you; which is odd.

I haven't seen the film, and it is a bit long for now, but I will watch it later.

I get all emotional about birth. When I had mine I cried myself stupid the first time I was truly left alone. I admit to not doing that immediately after the birth as I somehow felt just a bit tired and I remember looking into the face of the young obstetrician who had been holding my hand during the birth and seeing him crying and all I felt was curiosity. It seemed such a strange thing to be doing. (It was his first birth too.) Two nights later I was holding my son to feed him and I was all alone and it was very quiet and suddenly I burst into tears; he was so beautiful.

ETA: what a moving epidural? I had an epidural with my first but the moving thing - no.

[ 05.05.2008, 10:48: Message edited by: sam ]
 
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
 
I can't imagine giving birth without froopy being there...nor can I imagine any other friend or family member in the room with me/us. I think I'd rather have no one if he wasn't there - and the idea of my husband and a relative both looking at my exposed gash together is just...yuck!

It was very nice to have him, especially after I got the epidural, as we could hang out and talk and doze together and watch daytime television. Though I had a very lazy labor - after six hours they woke me from a nap and asked if I was ready to push and I believe I said something like, "sure, why not."

This time we've been warned to expect a VERY fast labor, something under two hours probably, which pretty much leaves us time to drive to the hospital, register, jump on the bed and start pushing. He is the only person in the world I trust to look out for my best interests (as I've defined them), and in such a state of haste and craziness as we are expecting, I can't imagine not having him there to protect me.

As for nursing, the idea of boobs as both playthings and foodthings doesn't bother me, but when it comes down to it, I'll want to make sure things are sanitized between...so maybe froopy's snacks will have to be in the shower.
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
Loads of people on here have kids. But I think because TMO has its roots in Seethru when we were all being fashionable nu meedja elite, somehow there's a tendency to not want to talk about such boring un-nu-meedja things as childbearing.

Perhaps one of us needs to set up a webcast of our birth. Set up a blog so people can coach us on what should happen next. Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
Well, rooster, pleased you are that OK with froopy but the boobs things....no, still can't think of it without shuddering, though of course its a tradition celebrated in Literature - Grapes of Wrath for instance!
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by froopyscot:
Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.

Hope you are not volunteering rooster to be the first!
 
Posted by froopyscot (Member # 178) on :
 
Not unless I can give her a laptop from which she can have a say, no!

midwife2041: Breathe, now push!
webguy63221: you can totaly see up her skirt lol
froops (moderator) bans webguy63221
rooster (moderator) changes camera view
rooster (moderator): Am i done yet [Mad] [Wink]
midwife2041: Okay now, almost there
Baby32146 has joined the conversation
Baby32146 cries

etc.
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by froopyscot:
Perhaps one of us needs to set up a webcast of our birth. Set up a blog so people can coach us on what should happen next. Perhaps even invent IP addressable forceps so the collective interweb can actually physically intervene in the delivery.

I think it is almost certainly inevitable that I will be microblogging the proceedings on Twitter...
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
It'll come back to haunt you....
 
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
 
I saw my main role in the delivery room as a kind of decoy, distracting my wife from the truth: the twins were coming, like, way early and the whole thing was terrifying and life-threatening and shit.

An emergency caesarean meant it was all over in no time at all and without the hours of hand-holding screaming stuff you see on the telly. Instead, I just tried to make light of the situation and pretend it wasn't really happening by being 'funny'. Tough crowd, mind.

Fear seemed to be the overriding emotion in that room and, whilst our experience differs from most parents, I'd wager the delivery room is always a pretty scary place for a young lady squeezing out their first child.

I had no real desire to be at the birth, if I'm honest (I'm pretty squeamish), but always intended to because my wife willed it. Now, though, I think if it were me doing the pushing and grunting bit I'd want someone I knew and trusted there to hold my hand and generally share the fear. Whether that should be the father I don't know. But someone: Your mate, your own mother or just a familiar face – Des O'Connor would do.

[ 06.05.2008, 15:38: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
 
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
 
Men in the delivery room, eh? Well, if you think it's bad, ask yourself this:

What would you prefer? Men in the delivery room? or delivery in the men's room?

Sorry that's pretty much all I've got to contribute here.
 
Posted by Darryn.R (Member # 1) on :
 
I was there for the birth of all three, no use whatsoever but moral support and cord snipping was done with aplomb.

It's always nice to be there to be one of the first to say hello to the new arrival, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

When are you due Londie ?
 
Posted by London (Member # 29) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rooster:

It was very nice to have him, especially after I got the epidural, as we could hang out and talk and doze together and watch daytime television. Though I had a very lazy labor - after six hours they woke me from a nap and asked if I was ready to push and I believe I said something like, "sure, why not."

This sounds awesome. I hope it is like this for me. I reckon next time if there is a next time I might try for a big hippystyle 'natural birth' but this time, nah. Nobody HAS to look at my fanj do they? Except midwives, doctors. I don't think the father or my sister need examine my area.
 
Posted by rooster (Member # 738) on :
 
They don't *have* to, but I can bet they will want to...it is hard not to look while the doctors are yelling "there's the head," and you won't really be in a position to stop them. I had a mirror, so I could see what was happening, which I also think aided in the pushing, as it was only about 30 min. or so of relatively easy pushing before she was out.*

*nor was my baby tiny at 8 lbs, 15 oz., but with the right muscle control, practice and visual...pretty much a piece of cake.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
Nobody HAS to look at my fanj do they? Except midwives, doctors.

Baby's going to get a close-up. It'll probably film the experience on its iPhone and WiFi it to YouTube before the cord has even been cut.

[ 06.05.2008, 07:31: Message edited by: MiscellaneousFiles ]
 
Posted by Sidney (Member # 399) on :
 
With regard to whether men should be present during the birth, I would advocate personal choice. I think that it should be left very much up to the mother to be and her partner to decide what's right for them. I'm very uneasy at the thought of a consultant or obstetrician or whatever medic is overseeing the birth dictating who should be present and why.

My preference has always been to have J with me; his support is invaluable and it has always been a very significant experience for us both that manages to make our relationship even stronger (sorry if that's a bit sick making but it's true). When I had my last baby, I had to be transferred to a hospital to be induced. Unfortunately this hospital hadn't progressed much beyond the practices and protocols put in place some time during the 1950s and I ended up labouring and delivering on my own. The midwives were spectacularly inept and refused to believe me when I told them I was ready to push - they also refused to let J through the doors of the hospital because it was 4am and therefore "not visiting hours". I am still so angry at this, even now. They deprived J of an important and significant experience that he wanted to be part of and they left me to endure a very intense labour alone and unsupported.

This time around I am planning a home birth. I don't want the interference or restrictions of a hospital birth where I have to deliver according to a set of procedures and rules that I have no influence over, say in nor control of. I don't want J to miss out again. As it's going to be my last baby, I want to give birth on my terms and not those of some obstetrician who'll be either sitting on his arse in his office, playing golf or kipping in his bed at home in his mansion while I get down to the task of having my baby. But, you know, that's my choice.

Sam - you asked about home births, I don't think that there is as much reluctance these days to allow first time mothers to give birth at home. Admittedly, you'll need the support of your community midwife who'll attend the delivery unless you hire an independant midwife, so you may be at the mercy of whether your midwife agrees to your request to deliver at home. Having said that, attitudes have very much changed and with associations like AIMS now in existence to support women with their choices, it's not exactly uncommon any more.

[ 27.05.2008, 05:57: Message edited by: Sidney ]
 
Posted by sam (Member # 884) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sidney:
Sam - you asked about home births, I don't think that there is as much reluctance these days to allow first time mothers to give birth at home. Admittedly, you'll need the support of your community midwife who'll attend the delivery unless you hire an independant midwife, so you may be at the mercy of whether your midwife agrees to your request to deliver at home. Having said that, attitudes have very much changed and with associations like AIMS now in existence to support women with their choices, it's not exactly uncommon any more.

I am pleased to hear this. The home birth was one of the greatest experiences of my life. It knocked spots of the hospital birth if I am honest, although the first time I held both babies was something else again and is a feeling I have never forgotten.
 
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by London:
Men, was it the most amazing experience of your life, or something you could totally have lived without seeing? Did seeing your partner in that kind of state affect your feelings towards her afterwards, in either a negative or a positive fashion?

Both times I was present and on neither occasion would I have missed it for the world. I don't know that it brought us closer together - but it was something utterly cataclysmic that we're pleased we shared (and can share again every time we talk about it).

And: just minutes after Sam was born, D was whisked into 'theatre' and so I was left with the tiny creature for three quarters of an hour - probably one of the most terrifying episodes of my life... but in a good, existence-going-from-black-and-white-to-vivid-Technicolor sense.

As Sidney says, it's down to you as a couple - even then, it may be hard for you to second-guess whether he'll find it a life-changing epiphany or a baffling ordeal. I would say: why not? If he's totally irritating, you'll have the satisfaction of telling him to GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.

I haven't posted in an age, so I'm not sure how much longer you have to go. If it's imminent: good luck! You'll be an amazing mother.


quote:
Originally posted by London:
Also: are we too politically correct now to dare to suggest that there are some realms of experience which might be better kept segregated along gender lines?

Celebrity gossip. I realise it's a bit harsh to tar womenkind with the same brush, but you all bear some degree of responsibility for this tide of rancid pigwank.
 
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
 
I was there - moral support. Cutting the chord was amazing too.

I kind of joked that I'd stay away from the business end before anything had happened, but once the mid-wife has said 'look at the crown, dad' I glanced and was amazed and transfixed as my son appeared bit by bit.

The labour from start to finish was only about 6 hours, with the last section probably taking the longest at about 90 minutes.
 
Posted by MiscellaneousFiles (Member # 60) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Benny the Ball:
Cutting the chord was amazing too.

See sharp, minor?
 
Posted by Octavia (Member # 398) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
quote:
Originally posted by Benny the Ball:
Cutting the chord was amazing too.

See sharp, minor?
Since having my daily pun quotient boosted by about 200% thanks to Thorn, I'm now in a position to lol.
 
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
 
cord? Corduroy? Kord? Chard?

Churses!
 


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