Did you spill my pint ?...

There are 4 basic types of drink.


Some may argue that wine is also a drink, but it's not. Wine is only drunk by birds and yuppie wankers.

So what makes drinking so good ?
Piss easy mate. Drinking makes you look cool and hard.

So, how much should I be drinking ?
That depend on how old you are - here is an easy to follow chart:
  • 14 - 15 years old - 10 pints a night should be about right.
  • 16 - 24 years old - 15 pints a night and half a dozen Bacardi Breezers.
  • 24 - 45 years old - 20 pints a night and a bottle of whiskey during the day.
  • 45 - 65 years old - 25 pints a night, a bottle of whiskey and 10 cans of Tennents Extra.
  • 65+ - Draino, Meths, Paint Stripper and Buckfast.
What will drinking do for me ?
Drinking lowers your inhibitions, so as well as having a bit of a laugh, you will also be much more in the mood for a ruck.
Beer spills easily too, so many a punch up can be started with the old "Did you spill my pint" opening line.
Alternatively you an spill your own pint and then blame it on some shandy drinking student shirt lifter and then lump the bastard on anyway.

Will I be sick if I drink too much ?
Only if you are a Bird.
Birds are often sick when they drink because they drink stuff like Babycham and Pernod and Black.
If when you leave the pub your bird starts spewing, get her down on her knees and keep her hair of of her face. When she's finished hurling, give her a wink and say: "While you're down there"
If she says no slap her, I mean you were nice enough to hold her hair out of her sick, the very least she could do is nosh you off.

Do I need to drink ?
What a stupid fackin' question. Of course you need to drink even scientists say so. There are also well documented cases of blokes who don't drink suddenly turning into arse-bandits and Nancy boys - Can you really afford to take that chance ?

Will I get a Beer Belly ?
With age and enough practise you will in time develop a beer belly or Belly Breast.
The Belly Breast will be one of your closest friends, it can be used as a substitute for real woman's breasts when they are unavailable. It will keep you warm in winter (Allowing you to wear nothing but a football shirt), Give you a place to rest your pint when the bar is full, impress the ladies, frighten yuppies and add extra weight when kickin' your dog. Yes, drinking will give you a Belly Breast and much, much more besides.

FLM's drinking thug: Gaz 'Snakebite and Black' Wesson-Smithe.

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FLM copyright 2002 The Moon Online
For those with no sense of humour - This site is a parody
*FLM written by Darryn Reeds, with contributions from Christopher Goldsmith and Andy Mcloughlin*