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Smelling Nice and Tampons - 01
|Hello girls! Welcome to YOUR page!! We at TMO are very excited to be offering a new, unique service to all you girls out there: Smelling Nice and Tampons; a subsection of The Moon Online devoted to all the things that make us girls girly, like periods!! And make-up!! And bras!! We will be giving you handy hints and advice gathered together from the best 20th century sources for "ladies". So, if you've always wanted to be the perfect model of a 20th century lady, this is the place for you! Smelling Nice and Tampons will be bringing you all the information you need about girliness, without any of the rude words normally involved in covering this sensitive topic.
In this edition of Smelling Nice and Tampons we will be focusing on some useful tips in the area of personal grooming, and in particular, the nasty problem of posture and poise.
Don't forget to check out our advice column "Housewives' Delight" (coming soon!), which aims to meet all your housekeeping needs. And now on with the show…
|Our first helpful beauty tip comes from Constance Hart, and The Handbook of Beauty (Dell, 1955), which contains "Over 100 detailed, easy to follow illustrations", at a cost of only 35 cents. Constance knows a thing or two about beauty, and has enlisted the help of illustrator Toni Ellis to provide the aforementioned 100 illustrations. This Hovering Lady starts off the posture section with a few key tips on how to stand correctly. Constance assures us that when applied in your everyday life, these tips should, and we quote: "If you're plump:" Take two to three inches off your measurements, and "If you're thin:" add an inch or so to your bust measurement. For reasons unknown, Constance has decided to assume we are the latter. In fact, Constance doesn't mince words when it comes to "your plump friend", and as far as she is concerned "tucking in those sloppy curves" is the best way to achieve the ideal of not being someone's plump friend. That, and eating less food.|
Constance goes on to explain how to walk and sit correctly, but we won't bother you with all that. Reading between the lines, we can come to the conclusion that Good Posture=Boys, Boys, Boys! So, straighten up, girls, and fly right! For now, we will leave Constance behind for a moment with her last piece of posture advice: "Never keep your arms akimbo - that's ungraceful and unfeminine"
That's YOU she's talking to, Cameron Diaz! Sort it out!
|We move along to some helpful exercises for improving both posture and health. The first is taken from Thin and Supple through Mensendieck by a lady called Mia Bruyn-Ouwehand (van Dishoeck, 1960). Mia would like to explain what Mensendieck is, but she doesn't seem too sure herself, and so hides her confusion in vague philosophical debates with imaginary strangers on a tram. She does, however, at one point give us something of a hint by mentioning the words "naked gymnastics for ladies". Strangely, the "naked" part doesn't appear to be mentioned again, and so for our purposes we will assume that it was some sort of typo. Mr. N.A. van der Kreek (a sculptor, apparently) was kind enough to lend a hand with illustrations, which have turned out to be as vague as the explanatory text itself. But, not to worry, as we can see here, waving your arms about (possibly whilst naked) will in some way improve your posture and, according to Mia, therefore your outlook on life.|
We tried this one here at the TMO cloud base, but couldn't for the life of us figure out what we were doing. Perhaps we should have been naked. Maybe you can try it at home, and maybe it will help in some way. Or maybe not.
|Lest we forget what we're doing it all for, here is another handy reminder of what we are striving to attain, courtesy of Us Girls (Union Verlag, 1972). Despite the best efforts of Constance et al, it appears that by the Seventies, "us girls" still had not taken to heart this simple concept. For those of you who are wondering, the girl on the left is GOOD, the one on the right is EVIL.|
Us Girls goes on to give some practical advice along the same lines as all the other advice we have been given thus far: "Stomach in, chest out, head straight." Not one for the flowery turn of phrase was Gisela Krachten, the German lady who came up with this simple recipe for good looks. The illustration comes courtesy of one of the many illustrators of this immense tome, most of whom have names like Lieselotte and Horst. Strangely, the rest of the book seems to mostly deal with girly hobbies such as basket-weaving and knitting. We will focus on girly pastimes in another issue, so we had best leave Gisela to it for now.
|Anka Welman takes a different approach to the whole shebang of exercise and posture. Her book, Modern Health and Beauty Care (van Holkema, year unknown) is painfully to the point in its advice. The exercise above is part of the "morning exercise regime", which is to be carried out "early in the morning, with all the windows open" if possible, the exercises should be carried out "naked". There's that word again! Exercising naked is proving a popular pastime. Thankfully, the model for this spooky 1940's style time-lapse pictures has chosen to wear a leotard. This exercise, the "straight sit-up" is good for the stomach muscles, and should be performed with a straight back. Try it at home! The ankle stretch is, thankfully, "optional".|
|Back now to our good friend Constance Hart. These are just some of the "over 100" illustrations of exercises that should prevent us from becoming "plump", and improve our general poise. As we can see demonstrated by the chinless lady, improving your posture is hard work. We at TMO have no idea what these exercises are all about, they look highly complicated, and seem to involve furniture, Nevertheless, they are probably very beneficial. Whilst trying these at home, remember to "pretend that your buttocks are fists, and curl them tightly". A stretch for the body, as well as the imagination! Constance also reminds us that: "Well-fitted bras, girdles, corsets, and other foundation garments will help hide posture faults, but be sure not to let them substitute for good posture habits!" Don't depend too much on that girdle, girls! Pretend your buttocks are fists instead.|
|Apart from exercise, we should also pay attention to our posture and the like when doing other girly things, like hoovering. This helpful advice comes courtesy of The Household Guide for Teens (Born, 1969) by W. Hagoort-Greve and A.M. Hardam. Again, we see on the left, the GOOD girl, as opposed to the EVIL girl on the right. Both are hoovering, but only one is doing it properly. Can we guess which one? No, honestly, they would like us to guess. Further illustrations elaborate on this theme, showing us the best posture for carrying the shopping, and of course, that most girly of behaviour, carrying small cutesy children. Remember to assume the correct position when doing all these things, and your life will improve drastically.|
|And so we come to our final picture, as you can see, with a bit of determination and self discipline, you, too, could look like this!!|
So hop to it girls!!
In the next issue of
Smelling Nice and Tampons
we will be looking into the biggest enemy of all:
Being Plump and how to avoid it.
By - Ruth Powers