quote:Originally posted by Tilde: Has anyone actually witnessed a soggy biscuit competition? I'm sure it's just an urban myth.
A guy I used to work with told me about the Wanking Tree at his (minor public) school. Participants were arranged up the branches of said tree in order of seniority, then they'd all start tugging away. The higher up the tree you were the less spunk you got on you. Salutory lesson...
posted
That seems pretty unlikely. Why would you go up a tree to wank instead of somewhere more private, like a toilet or a bush? Why would everyone go up there at once? Also Black Mask's stupid story appears to rest on the conviction that a tree in real life is somehow the same as a diagram like a family tree where spunk, would trickle down onto each person, as opposed to the reality, which is that if you had a dozen people up a three dimensional tree, they could probably all wank without getting any on each other. Perhaps growing up in London has hampered his recognition of what a tree actually is.
More plausible explanations are that Black Mask's friend is a) having him on b) repeating a story he heard elsewhere and is as apocryphal as the soggy biscuit, or that he was explaining something else entirely and Black Mask didn't understand. Bear in mind that this man insisted that if the moon controlled the tides, then would continually pull the sea round the earth like a... like a child with a fucking comfort blanket and who couldn't do percentages even with a calculator.
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
| IP: Logged
posted
The 'Wanking Tree' is original Mask, I'll give you that.
Soggy biscuit was just as apocryphal as the stories of juniors being given golden showers in the shower block. Well, this sort of thing never happened in my day.
Wanking was something usually done in the confines of the toilet furthest from the teaching block, more than usually over a battered copy of Mayfair - and if you could get hold of a copy where you didn't have to separate the pages you were lucky.
Funnily enough, there was a mass clearout of the headmaster's old office during the last reunion, and a massive pile of confiscated 1970s grot was unearthed. Some of them are probably worth a bit now - the ones with unstuck pages, at least.
-------------------- "You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary!" "I thought they were animal cookies..." Posts: 4130
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by Samuelnorton: Wanking was something usually done in the confines of the toilet furthest from the teaching block, more than usually over a battered copy of Mayfair
lol, 'zif. I'll bet your school was all "grip the cock to your right in a big circle boys, Jensen's just been sent a packet of Carrs from his Pater"
quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: lol, 'zif. I'll bet your school was all "grip the cock to your right in a big circle boys, Jensen's just been sent a packet of Carrs from his Pater"
Even if we did engage in such rituals, we would have used plain old digestives. Great with an extra salty topping - allegedly.
-------------------- "You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary!" "I thought they were animal cookies..." Posts: 4130
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles: Say it ain't so...
My favourite thing about the whole Rainbow Party thing is how structured it would have to be. It's like a teen orgy seen through the prism of an addiction to project management. The idea that if teens were to have rampant sex orgies it wouldn't just be a mad pile on, but a carefully structured event with different coloured lipsticks assigned to competitors so that - according to Oprah - the performance of each candidate can be clearly assessed and the top performer easily identified.
I mean... jeez. Doesn't that sound like exactly the kind of structure and discipline that teens would get off on?
posted
No, it refers to a scare that swept America a few years back when Oprah held a special about 'Is your child leading a double life?' and revealing that rich, sexually promiscuous teens were campaigning against the treatment of ethnic-minority oriented political parties in Greece. Apparently a bunch of kids were seeking to draw attention to the plight of former refugees by painting them with lipstick and sucking them off. Something like that, anyway.
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
| IP: Logged
quote:What Did You Say? Michelle says that one of the reasons parents don't know what's going on with their teens is because teen slang is constantly evolving, and it's hard to keep up with their language. Here are a few new terms Michelle discovered.
Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
Rainbow Parties: Oral sex parties. Girls put on different-colored lipstick and each puts her mouth around the penis of a boy who is there to receive favors.
Pretty Boy: A sexually active boy; a player.
Dirty: A girl who has an STD; a diseased girl.
High Five: A person who is HIV positive (High V).
Booty Call: An early morning or late night call that involves no relationship or emotional attachment.
Hoovering: An abortion.
Outercourse: Oral sex.
Thanks Oprah!
I'm a bit disappointed. As a teen, I imagined that such parties were a regular occurance, countrywide, like a sexually charged alternative to the school disco. I thought I must've missed the invitations.
Posts: 14018
| IP: Logged
posted
Whereas I felt the LSS forum was begging to be ridiculed, I don't think I've got the stomach to troll Oprah's message boards.
quote:I'm really sorry about your children too. I lost mine in 1981 in a fire. Jeremy was 4 and Stephanie was 18 months. People say it get easier as time passes, but it doesn't. My daughter's birthday was Sept. 20, she would have been 28. I try to bake a cake on their birthdays. I still have really hard times. I never had anymore children. I sometimes feel so empty.
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: That seems pretty unlikely. Why would you go up a tree to wank instead of somewhere more private, like a toilet or a bush? Why would everyone go up there at once? Also Black Mask's stupid story appears to rest on the conviction that a tree in real life is somehow the same as a diagram like a family tree where spunk, would trickle down onto each person, as opposed to the reality, which is that if you had a dozen people up a three dimensional tree, they could probably all wank without getting any on each other.
Obviously, they were up the tree becasue they wanted to spunk on each other. It's a toff's hierarchy thing. And if it was something like a cedar tree you could easily get dozens of kids up there and they'd be actively trying to spunk on those below rather than just casually wanking. Oh, look, there's Perkins. Little oik, I'll cum on his head. Why are you being so deliberately obtuse? It's embarassing.
Plus, there's definitely more to tides than moon-control. If the moon exerts such a vast amount of drag why don't oceans rise up in a sort of bell-jar shape when the moon is directly over them? Eh? And if the moon has this magnet-like power over water why don't smaller amounts of water act similarly? Why don't the contents of every glass, bath and pond in the world just float off into space? You dopey fucking spazz!
[ 25.09.2007, 11:22: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
quote:What Did You Say? Michelle says that one of the reasons parents don't know what's going on with their teens is because teen slang is constantly evolving, and it's hard to keep up with their language. Here are a few new terms Michelle discovered.
Tossing Salad: giving oral sex anally.
Rainbow Parties: Oral sex parties. Girls put on different-colored lipstick and each puts her mouth around the penis of a boy who is there to receive favors.
Pretty Boy: A sexually active boy; a player.
Dirty: A girl who has an STD; a diseased girl.
High Five: A person who is HIV positive (High V).
Booty Call: An early morning or late night call that involves no relationship or emotional attachment.
Hoovering: An abortion.
Outercourse: Oral sex.
Thanks Oprah!
I'm a bit disappointed. As a teen, I imagined that such parties were a regular occurance, countrywide, like a sexually charged alternative to the school disco. I thought I must've missed the invitations.
So different to my day.... Teen slang from my experience:
Nicola's a slag: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's a slut: Nicola gets off with pretty much anyone
Nicola's got a battery acid fanny: something to do with oral sex
Done it up dog shit alley: getting off with someone up an alley reknowned for being littered with dogshit
Johnny: condom
Spunked up: male orgasm
Blood all over me knob: taking a girls virginity
Rough wank: a poorly executed hand job
fingered her: getting a finger inside a vagina
Kit Kat: Allegedy getting four fingers inside a vagina
Cranking one out: masturbation
banging one out: masturbation
whacking one out: masturbation
Paul's got a cheesy knob: Paul's got a cheesy knob
Posts: 1641
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Obviously, they were up the tree becasue they wanted to spunk on each other. It's a toff's hierarchy thing. And if it was something like a cedar tree you could easily get dozens of kids up there and they'd be actively trying to spunk on those below rather than just casually wanking. Oh, look, there's Perkins. Little oik, I'll cum on his head. Why are you being so deliberately obtuse? It's embarassing.
Why would Perkins sit in the tree if he was going to get spunked on? It doesn't make any sense. None of it makes sense. It's like watching Brass Eye, only done by someone who really believes that "they" do these things.
-------------------- Now that you've called me by name? Posts: 2007
| IP: Logged
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: Why would Perkins sit in the tree if he was going to get spunked on? It doesn't make any sense. None of it makes sense. It's like watching Brass Eye, only done by someone who really believes that "they" do these things.
Like Mask said, it's a hierarchy thing. He at the top of the tree may ejaculate over anyone below him, whereas those below may get jizzed on, but may also squirt one out over those beneath them.
It's a bit like that sketch with Cleese, Corbett and Barker, if you replace "look down on" with "spunk on", sort of.
posted
Tossing salad is licking someone's arse? We have a guy in work who tosses salad all day. Do dogs toss their own salad?
In my school we had these:
Wanking Snogging Lucky
I like the idea of a wanky tree but I'm worried about the practicalities of it. It would be like the opening of Ong Bak with hard-ons. How many people fell from the wanky tree? How do you explain that to matron? "It's Rupert, miss, he fell over." "B-but he's all trousers down and emboldened. Where did you find him again, Pelham-Chiswick?" Plus: parents.
You'd be a pretty stupid parent not to spot semen stains on your kids blazer. Especially around the collar. It's one of the things we look out for. Like cock breath. And what happens in winter?
Posts: 2166
| IP: Logged
posted
What happens to cock breath in winter? Is that what you want to know? Well, I suppose it becomes a fertile, wriggling cloud of vapour, sailing through the air on a floaty egg hunt. The odds are stacked against the airborne tadpole division settling on an accommodating box of womb, due to the mouth-level release point and the fact, as we all know, that spunk rises and womb height is below mouth height under ordinary outdoor winter conditions. More likely, the traveling cloud of cock breath vapour would become caught under the chin of a very tall person, where it would turn to a laminated jelly with many facets. And kids would beam laser pens up at the jelly diamond and laugh as the fractured light raced off in different directions. Like watching a sweaty Uncle Jean Michelle Jarre perform from the lap of the great man himself. And all the time the kids would be oblivious to the truth: that they filtered light through the dead sperm of a stranger - the sticky build up of potential friends and relatives, cousins or schoolboys, killers or heroes, boys or girls, almost-someones, snatched from life by a greedy mouth at the moment of almostdom, incubated in the cheeks of a cum guzzler then given a second chance in the cold crisp winter air and the power of flight by Jack Frost - cloudbourne by the millions - like cattle-class Monkey - and then cruelly suffocated against the jaw line of a High and Mighty account holder.
And the big guy with the sticky chin? Well, he doesn't know this is going on down there…and the kids don't understand what is going on up there… and the cock breath...it's just dead. Dead, slowly setting and solidifying until it's mashed in with electric blue product and sliced clean, the best a man can get.
That's what I reckon happens to cock breath in winter. How about you Elvis?
posted
Hello Jonesy! Congratulations on the little fellas.
Not cock breath in winter – little foggy spermatazoa in the chill air – the wanky tree and the wankers therein. In the full fettle of spring, with the sap rising, I can imagine the tree being a pleasant sort of background to base humiliation. The smell of leaves and a gentle rustling offering small escape before the cocksnot spatter. But in winter...? They'd be like rooks huddled against the lowering sky. Wanking. And, more importantly, spotted a mile off. So what happens to the wanky tree wankers in winter? Or is the wanky tree that word that means year-round foliage?
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic