posted
A new starter at our company, let's call her 'John Fresh', sent round a group email introducing herself. This was completely unnecessary, as 'it's not the kind of thing people do here'. Anyway, predictably, it was a real cringe-a-thon, but to protect the innocent I won't go into the details, apart from the fact that it included the words 'I'm a bit mad too'.
Anyway, your new workplace is TMO, and your boss reckons it would be a good idea to send round an email to say 'hello' to your new colleagues. Go.
[I know this one's gonna bomb, but hell. If there's any n00bs out there, this is your chance to impress. Don't blow it.]
Fantastic, she is going to be a winner. How many humorous desk toys does she have?
...sorry, I know that isnt the plan, but just the thought of whiting a 'hello, this is me' schpiel makes me want to cry. I just produced a few paragraphs on why I should be given money to attend a conference in San Fransisco, that was tricky enough. Brrr.
quote:Originally posted by George the Robot: [I know this one's gonna bomb]
I think it's a good idea for a thread - but tradition suggests you should 'Poster First' - ie you perform the exercise in question, to get the ball rolling. Why not try it? It might be a chance to show off your trademark wit, lol.
Anyway.
Hello TMO!
I've just been appointed here as business development writer, and am looking forward to working with you! I've already got some great ideas of how to shake up the boards, and i think you'll be quite excited by some of the changes I'll be bringing in - promoting impenetrable chate, in jokes with other n00bs who are actually my real life friends, hissy fits, sulks and random acts of aggression.
I'll also be specialising in threadrot - if I can see an angle that involves derailing a discussion on politics or some such wank and turning it into a showcase for my own charasmatically filthy schtick, you can bet I'll take it, even if over the course of 8000 posts it costs the board its intellectual rigour!
I'm sure we'll have a great time together though - I'm really crazy! For example, this one time, my girlfriend commented about this guy she used to go out with and I totally beat the bshit out of her! Apparently, anyway. It seemed more like a black out from my point of view - I just started shaking and the next thing I new all the furniture was broken and she was on the ground, sobbing softly.
Going out for 'welcome drinks' at lunch - hope a few of you can join me! I'll be getting incoherently drunk and approaching the women one by one and literally begging them to sleep with me.
not...
You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over
posted
Alright Gav?
It's Terry Not here, just thought I'd send you an email from the new company I've just started at as I'm fuccking bord as fuck.
There's a right bunch of ***** here to be honest - worse than the last place I was at. In fact a lot of them got taken on in the merger but got their duties reassigned. That **** Stefan O. got demoted HAHAHA!
The chicks are all lezzers or librarians or feminists. There's like maybe only two or three chicks i'd let my dick have the time of day with, and only if I'd drunk like 4-5 turbo shandies at least!, (speaking of which - next weekend - R U UP 4 GOING 2 BLACKS BAR - 2-4-1-B4-8:00PM) :beer:
I've been here like five minutes and I already totally pwn the place. I can pretty much turn up when I like and do act like I'm working and then disappear and no one even notices. Today I have been "adjusting" pictures of the members of staff from the company website HAHHAHAHA. I may email a few choice ones to the boss.
Mind you he probably wouldn't even care he's some cloggy **** from holland, looks a bit of a laid back type. probably sits there in his office smokin' da' weed all day - YEH MAN!
Well anyway back to pretending to work - I'm off for a wank in the toilets in a moment have you seen page 3 today - Sharon from Colchester is in it again "I'd CORN HER BEEF!!!!"
PHWWOOAR.
Laters m8 Tezzer
Terry Not Reprographics Dept. The Moon Online T: 0800 50 50 50 F: 0800 50 50 51
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I'm George, and I'm new here. I'll try not to disturb you too much - I don't like to rock the boat, you know. Never been one for that.
Aaaanyhoo, there isn't much to say about me really. I don't do much. That's not to say I'm boring, ooh no. I've been known to have a few drinks every now and again! Yes - there was this one time, that I fell off my chair!! I haven't heard laughs like that in years! My ears are still ringing, but that reminds me of, you know, the laughing.
My favourite film is The Wedding Singer. I like Adam Sandler. Anyway, it has that song in it 'I waaant to diiiee!! Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!'. I think of that most mornings.
Anyway, like I said. I won't bother anyone - just keep my head down. Not rock the boat.
Just a heads up to check your inboxes later. I'll be emailing everyone my way cool Animated Powerpoint Presentation "Cartoon Animal Kama Sutra". Do forget to turn your speakers on cos I set it to that music "I'm horny, horny horny horny" like how cool is that?
ROFLcopters & LOLerskates,
El Gordo Network Support and L33t Uberness
PS. complaints about the TMO LAN being slow should be directed to Darryn
My name is Luther and I have a massive cock. Sadly, due to the terms of the injunction I am currently unable to show it to you - unless you specifically ask to see it. I would need to have any requests in writing, obviously.
I'm Toilet Duck. I'm not a newbie - in fact I'm a pre-Novemberite. I tend to lurk a lot, reading posts and only responding when something particularly grabs me. Don't expect great things from me. Don't expect new threads. I try my best to be witty and entertaining but too much feedback from the regulars has taught me my place.
My name is Doctor When and I am new. I would like to say it will be a pleasure to be working here with all of you, and to reassure you that at no point in my career will I stalk the corridors of this building with an automatic weapon, spraying hot leaden death into randomly chosen soft, warm bodies. Neither will I be following any of you home and peering into your windows late at night. I would also like to add that I am unlikely to ever feel the need to mark my territory by smearing my heady musk on your chairs after you've all gone home early on Friday.
posted
I'm picturing Mrs Pooter (sozzled, fading glamour in its autumn) entering TMO and tottering lamblike on tipsy, unsteady pins as she wonders if this is the kind of place to get a drink around here to get a drink.
"I'm sorry," she slurs, I thought thish was a bar to get a drinks around here. Shime no true."
She performs a wobbly U turn and collides with the door frame. "I'm be your pardons shir, I thought this was a place one could get a drinks around here. Excushe me around here."
She turns back to face the forum and carefully places a steadying hand on the wall, causing the strap of her dress to fall from a lean shoulder and reveal a modest, pale white (probably Dulux Californian Stone or something in their Natural Whites range) breast, which signals its presence to the world with rapid flashes of a stiff red (Crown Raspberry Thatch Emulsion, no doubt about it) nipple.
Ignoring the exposed flesh she raises her voice, "Where's the best place around here to get a drinking...around here?"
Squeegy is already up, his strong hand supporting her delicate elbow. The fingers of this cad's free mitt waste no time in massaging her naked breast.
Casually flicking rough thumb across sensitive nipple, Squeegy throws back his head and laughs as he leads her to a back room.
This is MiscellaneousFiles (can call Misc) and am gifted to start to work with you in your NEW Japan office. I look forward to happy relations with all you and to a great and lucky business together (partnership)!
A little word about me: I come origin from Korea but now I do work and live in Japan. I feel very good to be working in a palace of honour like "Moon On Line" - in my home country the people are dreaming to work in the big companies. I will work hard to you and give our corporation my maximum devotion.
I need your help so I will ask for YOU. Okay?
Have great week end!
MiscellaneousFiles.
(I stole this almost word for word from an e-mail which was sent round my office last year)Posts: 14015
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