H1ppychick
We all prisoners, chickee-baby. We all locked in.
posted
And to start the wind down to the weekend, my favourite Tommy Cooper joke:
quote:Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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posted
I saw an oldie on another forum the other day:
Stevie Wonder is playing a concert in China. Every time there's a break between songs he hears someone in the crowd shout, "Jazz chord! Jazz chord!"
Nice one, he thinks. Clearly someone who appreciates the finer points of my music and doesn't just want to hear the old hits. I'll play for him... and he launches into a superb jazz instrumental. The crowd goes nuts, but as soon as they go quiet again, the same voice shouts out, "Jazz chord! Jazz chord!"
Oh, man, thinks Stevie. This guy's never satisfied. Still, why not? And he plays a ten minute improvisation around every weird chord he's ever learned. Again the crowd rises to its feet as one, and again the lone voice shouts out, "Jazz chord! Jazz chord!"
"Hey, man, which jazz chord you want me to play?" asks Stevie, a bit bemused by now.
scrawny
One Mojito, two Gin and Tonics, Three Bacardi Lime Sodas, and a couple of pints of Stella please.
posted
Cliff Richard is playing a concert in China. Every time there's a break between songs he hears someone in the crowd shout, "Tits and fanny! Tits and fanny!"
Oh dear, he thinks. Clearly a heckler who doesn't understand that I'm a god-fearing Christian, and I don't do sexy songs. I'll ignore him... and he launches into Summer Holiday. The crowd goes nuts, but as soon as they go quiet again, the same voice shouts out, "Tits and fanny! Tits and fanny!"
Oh, man, thinks Cliff. This guy just won't quit. It's starting to spread to the rest of the crowd now though, until everyone at the Oriental equivalent of Wembley is screaming "Tits and fanny! Tits and fanny!"
"But guys," stutters Cliff, a bit bemused by now, 'I'm a God fearing christian. I don't do sexy songs". But he's drowned out by the singing which is gathering volume round the stadium, and soon all of China raises its voice in one almighty chorus...
"Tits and fanny...how we don't talk...anymore..."
DISCLAIMER: I don't actually think Chinese jokes are particularly funny. I just thought mine was better than Dang's. I would never, say, read the menu in a Chinese takeaway in a comedy Chinese accent. Bandy, on the other hand, would do and has done this.
[ 10.06.2005, 10:22: Message edited by: scrawny ]
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posted
All of China? In the equivalent of wembly stadium? I don't think so, mate. And I'm sure I read somewhere that if all of China shouts "tits and fanny" at once, it throws the earth off its axis.
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Irishman wandering round the blitzed areas of town that are being rebuilt, fresh off the boat and desperate for work of any kind.
He approaches one particularly busy building site and asks to speak to the foreman; the guy he asks points at a bad-tempered-looking cockney currently bawling out one of the other workers.
The Irishman approaches the foremen and asks whether there's any work to be had on the site. Initially, the foreman tells him to get lost and that there isn't - but the Irishman persists, pointing out that the brickies around them are going at it full pelt. The foreman relents and admits that there is indeed plenty of work, but: "I've had a number of you bog brained murphys working under me over the years and you bleeders are all alike. Thick as two effing short planks."
The Irishman insists he has experience and knowledge of working on sites in the Old Country that can be turned to good use here.
"All right, then," says the foreman. "If you get this question right, you can have the job..."
"Foire away," says the Irishman.
"Right then, what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"
"To be sure, that's simple," responds the Irishman. "Girder wrote Faust and joist wrote Ulysses."
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posted
Two Irish geezers are walking through a forest looking for work (don't ask) when they see a lumber yard with a big sign outside, 'TREE FELLERS WANTED'. Mick turns to Pat, "Jaysus, if only Seamus was here."
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So this mixed race kid is saying to his dad "Dad, am I black or am I jewish?" and his dad is going "Well it's not as simple as that son: your mum's jewish, and I'm black." The kid's not happy with this. "No seriously dad, am I black or am I jewish?" and his dad replies as before, "Your mum's jewish, and I'm black." Growing more insistent the kid's all like "Dad, I need to know: am I black or am I jewish?" and the dad, exasperated says "Why's it so important?" and the kid goes "There's this kid at school selling his bike and I need to know whether to beat him down on the price, or just nick it."
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quote:Originally posted by mart: Those Chinese sure do have a comical way of talking!
I bet they've got some fabulous jokes in China involving English people saying Chinese words in an accent which makes them sound like rude things. I bet if you say "Bay-jing" instead of "Bye-hh-ying" it means "poodle rapist" or something.
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Louche
Carved TMO on her clit just to make you feel bad
posted
[boring]In Mandarin the phrase 'five bottles of beer' can, with a slight change of emphasis, sound like 'five arseholes of beer'[/boring]
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posted
Yeah, right. Considering there are only 8 people in Britain who ever bother to learn another language, what are the chances that enough Chinese people have heard English people speaking Chinese to make an easily recognisable joke out of it.
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posted
A guy is washed up on a desert island with his dog, Fido. He lashes together a few palms to make some shelter, Fido fetches the vines, and, being a resourceful fellow, he gets a fire going. He and Fido watch the horizon, but nothing hoves into view. Things are rough, but at least he's got Fido. He catches the occasional fish and soon he's eaten all the pineapples on the island's only pineapple tree. He's getting hungry. As the days pass he can't keep his eyes off Fido. He's starting to think the unthinkable. The fish aren't biting and he's sick of chewing bark. Eventually, one evening, while Fido's sleeping, the guy busts the dog over the head with a rock, skins him, shoves a stick up his jaxy and roasts him on the fire.
Later that night, by the firelight, the guy is sitting back against the pineapple tree, stroking his distended tum and picking at his teeth with a twig. He glances over to the big pile of freshly-stripped bones and he frowns...
posted
An two Irishmen walk into a pet shop and buy a pair of budgies. They walk out of the shop, out of town, and up on to the edge of a high clifftop. There, Seamus plonks a budgie onto each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as he plummets down and splats on the ground far below in a big mess. Paddy shakes his head and says to himself,
"I was sure that budgie-jumping was dangerous."
Two days later, Paddy and his friend, Colin (yes, okay, I just can't think of any more Irish type names right now) walk into the same pet shop and purchase a parrot. They walk out of the shop, out of town, and up onto the clifftop. Here, Colin pulls out a gun and holds it in one hand and the parrot in the other. He jumps over the edge, and half way down shoots the parrot. Paddy watches as he plummets and, you guessed it, hits the ground, splattering guts and blood everywhere. Paddy sighs and says,
"I knew this parrot-shooting was a bad idea."
A couple of days after this, Paddy and his new friend, Jimmy, walk into the pet shop. They buy a hen and make the journey up to the clifftop. Here, Jimmy grabs the hen's feet and jumps over the edge, and crashes on the ground many metres below, bloodied, scratched, and very, very dead. Paddy shakes his head and says,
"I knew he shouldn't have tried this hen-gliding."
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Here's one not about Jewes or Blackes... A South African, Aussie and Kiwi walking down a country road. They see a sheep stuck in a thicket with its rear end exposed.
On seeing this strange sight, the Aussie suddenly says "Gee, I wish that was Elle MacPherson..." To which the South African replies "Hell no, Boet. I wish it were Charlize Théron".
Both men turn to the Kiwi, who says "I wish it were night".
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posted
A scouser inadvertandly pops into a gay bar and orders a pint. One of its patrons gathers up some courage and whispers something into his ear. The scouser leaps up and punches the chap into next week, lunging with venom - kicking the living shit out of this guy. He batters him to the other side of the street and leaves the man clinging to life while he calmly returns to finish his pint.
The barman, a little shaken by the affair asks "what on earth did that guy say to you that made you react in such a way"
Two men are sitting in a bar, when one suddenly leaps up and starts shouting at the other. "I've had sex with your mother! I have had sex with YOUR MOTHER!"
The second man looks calmly at the first, and says "sit down Dad, you've had too much to drink."
posted
A tramp walks into a bar, and asks the barman, "Can I have a beer, please?" The barman says,
"Absolutely not! Look at you, you're filthy, you're smelly, you're going to drive away my customers, get out!" So the tramp says,
"Okay, but can I have a cocktail stick?" The barman looks strangely at him and then hands him a cocktail stick.
Two minutes later another tramp walks in and asks for a beer. Again the barman looks him up and down and says,
"No! You're filthy and smelly and covered in shit! Get out!" So the tramp asks if he can have a cocktail stick. Again, the barman thinks this is a bit strange, but gives a cocktail stick to the tramp and the tramp walks out.
Two minutes later it happens again, a tramp walks in and asks for a beer. Again he gets told by the barman that he's too filthy to be seen in the establishment and gets told to leave. So he says,
"Alright, but can I have a straw, please?" The barman frowns and says,
"Err... alright, but why do you want a straw?" and the tramp says,
"Someone's been sick outside and all the solid bits have gone!"
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posted
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.
Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.
Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night.
"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"
posted
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What nationality is Mr Sheen? Polish What do you call a man with a spade sticking out of his head? Doug What sits at the bottom of the sea and trembles? A nervous wreck What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A Headbanger What happened to the deaf pirate? He had no buccaneers What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell What do you call a woman stuck between two slices of bread? Marge. What do you call a girl standing between two houses? A Lane. What was the name of the Irish dentist? Phil McCavity What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the water? Bob What do you call a man with no arms and legs swimming in the water? Clever dick What do you call an Irish Shepard? Pat Macollie. What do you call an Irish rentboy? Phil Macrackin What do you call a man with a big bum? Hugh Jarse Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Cos the parrots eat 'em all When is a key not a key? When it's a donkey What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh When is a key not a key? When it's a monkey
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grant
when you're surrounded and outnumbered, there's only one way out.
posted
quote:Originally posted by Louche: [boring]In Mandarin the phrase 'five bottles of beer' can, with a slight change of emphasis, sound like 'five arseholes of beer'[/boring]
Wo pe pijio?
No, wait...
Hmm. A bottle (according to yon dictionary) is "ping" or "pingzi."
An arsehole is a "gang" (high tone).
Actually, Hong Kong currency is "gang bi" - pronounced the same way.
Heheh, now that I think of it, Mandarin for "Hong Kong" is "Xiang Gang" -- with the "xiang" pronounced the same as the word for "to want."
So I think you might have your English jokes sort of written for you... at least before the hand-over.
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