quote:Originally posted by Roy: Is that where you've been? Living in the woods and strangling bears?
Don't be ridiculous. I may eat the meat of the creatures of the woods, but I detest the thought of crouching down in the forrest with a rifle and blowing the heads off of poor defenseless animals. I'm not a killer, Roy.
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posted
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldilocks was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
"This porridge is too hot!" she exclaimed.
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
"This porridge is too cold," she said
So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.
"Ahhh, this porridge is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.
After she'd eaten the three bears' breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.
"This chair is too big!" she exclaimed.
So she sat in the second chair.
"This chair is too big, too!" she whined.
So she tried the last and smallest chair.
"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!
Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.
As she was sleeping, the three bears came home.
"Someone's been eating my porridge," growled the Papa bear.
"Someone's been eating my porridge," said the Mama bear.
"Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair," growled the Papa bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the Mama bear.
"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they've broken it all to pieces," cried the Baby bear.
They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa bear growled, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed,"
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the Mama bear
"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Baby bear.
Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She jumped out of bed and Baby Bear's duvet fell away to reveal her manly torso, a wicked curved man pipe protruding from between her hairy thighs.
"My!" said Mama Bear.
"Eyes off, tart" said Papa Bear.
"Look, he's wearing a wig," said Baby Bear.
"And he's got a beard," shouted Papa Bear.
"You're not a girl!" said Mama Bear.
"That's right", answered Goldilocks in a gruff voice more suited to another story set on a bridge, "And you're not alive, at least not for much fucking longer."
With that, Goldilocks picked up a shot gun and fired it three times.
Clump, went Baby Bear, as his almost-dead body hit the floor.
ClUmP, went Mama Bear, as her almost-dead body hit the floor.
CLUMP!, went Papa Bear, as his almost-dead body hit the floor.
Goldilocks threw off his wig and pounced on the dying bears, wringing the life from their bodies with all his strength. Then he skinned them and cooked them and ate them.
"Eeerrrrggh!" said Goldilocks, as he tasted Papa Bear, "Too gamey."
"Yuk!" said Goldilocks, as he tasted Mama Bear, "Not gamey enough."
"MMMMmmmm," said Goldilocks, as he tasted Baby Bear, "Just right."
And with that, Goldilocks ate him all up and logged on to the Moon Online.
posted
VP is the only person who during a TMO career of (?) three years plus (?) has never flirted with anyone else on the board, and has never so much as kissed anyone from the board since joining.
And absolutely everyone here seems to like and respect her. Or at least shuts up about it if they don't.
I wonder if there's a lesson there. Too late for most of us, of course.
posted
I see now I should have posted this on the "Positivity" thread. To bring it back on-topic: I'm disappointed that you spelled "indulgence" wrong when referring to a chocolate cake today, VP, but otherwise I subscribe to the opinion expressed in my last post.
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: I'm disappointed that you spelled "indulgence" wrong when referring to a chocolate cake today, VP,
Oh no, I can see Gillian witch-face McKeith smirking horribly at me, with her mad gimlet-eyes, saying see what the tasty food does to your brain as well as your poo!
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turbo
Gold..... What is it good for? You can't eat it, you can't smoke it, yet everybody wants it.
posted
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Oh no, I can see Gillian witch-face McKeith smirking horribly at me, with her mad gimlet-eyes, saying see what the tasty food does to your brain as well as your poo!
At least Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof agrees with you on Gillian McKeith...
quote:Among her other hates are being called spoilt because "my life is ordinary", the television show You Are What You Eat because "Gillian McKeith is cruel" and the countryside. "I shudder at the thought," she says.
posted
Haven't seen it, Darryn. I imagine these shows are all pretty much alike; fat person is told by stern presenter to eat less pies. At the end of the show, fat person is less fat and smiles as they stand next to a table of vegetables. I only watch You Are What You Eat because I am fascinated by the awfulness of that woman.
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posted
Gillian McKeith can only achieve orgasm by shouting at fat people that they are killing themselves. You can tell she's cumming when her eyes narrow slightly and her lips achieve an almost supernatural thinness. What we are seeing on television are actually McKeith's homemade sex-tapes. She has unwittingly foisted her porn upon us. We are fools.
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In this new one, they make the fat person put on a fat suit which they then load up with food and other items to the equivalent amount of weight that the fattie would gain over the next five years, then they make the chub go up and down stairs whilst gloating and explaining why wheatgrass juice is great.
The strangest thing I’ve ever eaten was a cow brain, it was quite nice, I had it with a salad.
Mind you… Currently deep frozen at minus 23 inside our freezer is Beckett’s placenta, I could always make stew.. Would you eat that VP ? Being a veggie I often wonder if that would be allowed.. Like if you were starving would you rather eat your own leg than kill and eat an animal ?
(Note: online research shows that in order to be eaten placenta really needs to be fresh)
posted
Well, I had Summer's placenta too, I had it in a large apothecary jar, cleaned and preserved in formaldehyde.
That sadly was knocked off of a high dresser and smashed on the floor, as formaldehyde has to be ordered especially for this sort of thing I had to bury that one in the garden of my old house.
This one was intended to be buried under a very large palm tree which currently grows in our front garden, but has to move to the back garden because it's size annoys one of our neighbours. However one of our cats died and now she is going to be feeding the tree.
(I though it in poor taste to freeze the cat)
So now the placenta is waiting for us to buy a new large plant for the garden..
A quick look shows it's at the bottom of the freezer, underneath a few packs of extra strong cheddar, two steaks, a large piece of belly pork with crackling and some frozen yorkshire puddings.
quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: Currently deep frozen at minus 23 inside our freezer is Beckett’s placenta, I could always make stew.. Would you eat that VP ? Being a veggie I often wonder if that would be allowed.. Like if you were starving would you rather eat your own leg than kill and eat an animal ?
No, I wouldn't eat it. Not on moral grounds, but on the basis that it would surely taste fucking rank. Placentas are just soft tissue suffused with capillaries- so I imagine it would have a grotesque rubbery texture, and be mottled with all sorts of wrong shades of lurid.
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quote:Originally posted by Darryn.R: So now the placenta is waiting for us to buy a new large plant for the garden.
We did this with our last childs' placenta as well. It was kept in our freezer until we were ready to use it. We planted it under a cherry tree. I'm not telling you this to make you feel less odd Darryn. I still think saving a placenta in your freezer is just plain weird. On at least two occassions, I took the placenta out of the freezer to thaw, thinking it was a nice cut of beef.
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