posted
I've for the past few years never really been a fan of christmas - I think it started in my teens upon opening the first 8 presents, and finding each one was some sporting (read 'white') socks. Since then it has just gone downhill really and become nothing but a hassle - this year I am on standby to rush to Rotterdam/Arnhem in case of an emergency for work, so I can't even drink, plus it seems due to an oversight I am to be seriously underpaid for the duty. But I am trying to keep a happy mind on it all, a laugh and a smile to keep those around that enjoy for labelling me Scrooge or somewhat.
But in the final few days run up, I am starting to get wound up by it all, and its purely because of that god-awful cash in by so many bands, that guaranteed pension/royalties cheque in the new year, yes the bastard things that pollute our ears unashamedly from all public broadcast points for a month solid - the christmas single. I cannot recall hearing a good one ever - yes some I suppose are passable but having to listen to them every hour for a month makes my ears bleed. Its the really dredgy shite that makes me want to cry in the corner if I hear it one more time.
I've tried in vain looking for a muslim radio station as it's that bad here in Holland - it was a last resort. You see here in offices Radios are very common, and if you work in a place where any middle aged people are, for some reason the radios are trained for one station only - Sky Radio - preffered as the only breaks between music are for jingles, the rest of the time its just music - if you can class it as that. They advertised in bus shelters a few years back with Santa toasting Phil Collins and Lionel Richie - the picture alone made me physically retch. Yet it seems that not only at work but also on every bus, railway station, restaurant they have to pipe in this music from the audible hell that is Sky Radio. Every song has to be "nice" and I fucking hate "nice" - and i fucking hate "nice". Thus I am starting to hate Christmas again.
My top 7 of Christmas Hell has to be:
"All I want for Christmas is you" - Mariah "fucking" Carey.
There is nothing as potent as a song so squeeky horrible clean as this, sung by the epitomy of my musical hate, Mariah Carey. There are no words to describe my utter despite to this woman, and yet I am tortured hourly by this. Whilst I absolutely abhore violence against women, the mental torture I have had to endure listening to this whiny slag surely justifies my dream of a world with just me, her and a baseball bat.
If I go to hell, this would be my ultimate punishment, enduring her singing that on an endless loop tape. Forgive me Jesus and let me back in!
"Simply having a wonderful christmas time" - Paul McCartney
Sorry D, but Paul McCartney is a dick. yes I know he was one of the Beatles, but why is he walking around when John and George are Dead? This song is just tripe - its annoying backing vocals like an army of shits intent on driving you to insanity with their chocolate box advert melodies of smugness. And him singing how christmas is so bloody nice - well it would be if you have thirty squillion pounds in the bank - I bet you didn't have an account with farepack did you **** ? I hope Heather gets your presents in the divorce settlement.
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus - Michael Jackson
Ugghh I had to endure this on the bus the other day - I was already late, and it was one of those days where everything goes wrong - you just miss the train, the schedule ensures you just miss the bus, and then when you do find a bus going where you need to go, this one goes around the houses, taking 4 times as long. This happened and my BP went skyward. Then the ponce of pop, circa 8 years old comes on singing this verbal toilet. My eyeballs burst. I am now blind, because you sang crap you peddler of lies, and I had to listen to it. I would cry with the agony, but where there were tears there are only now scars.
"Last Christmas" - Wham
WHY? WHY? WHY!?!?! Why must this song be aired like it was a religious chant all the time in December? I thought xmas was about being good? Yet this song is a pack of lies! LIES I TELL YOU! George Michael lamenting on his broken heart for his ex-love for Pepsi (or was it Sherbert? I care not to remember) when all the time he is really thinking about rogering half of the male population of Kos. Lies make the baby Jesus Cry George Michealonkosithisunkis - and your bland watery flup I am sure that really makes EMO kids the way they are - having that shite rammed down their throats each year - yeah I'd want to cut myself too.
Oh and a word of warning - that fucking frog has released a 'ring bing bing bing bing' version of this which has already got me reaching for the prozac.
Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade
Yes another unpopular choice no doubt, but whilst Slade may have been good for the odd decent number (their dress sense is unforgivable mind), the point in the pub on xmas eve when everybody is drunk and some bastard puts this on the jukebox - why? I'm drinking to forget what time of year it is, I don't need the world and his wife screeching "eeeeees chreeeeesmaaaaaaaaas" whilst spitting bile and breathing the fumes of an eight hour bender down my lughole. So no thank you Noddy - now get rid of those ridicluous sideburns, Change your name to something more appropriate and learn the queens english please!!!!!
"Merry Christmas everyone" - Shaking Stevens
Hmmm... Let see - Singer on Elvis trip - Check! References to snow - Check! References to children being happy- Check! Cheese - Check!
Highly unoriginal mainstay bollocks that will ensure he'll have a comfortable yule for several years to come as this aural cancer is repeated anually for eternity.
"Misteltoe and Wine" - Cliff Richard
Statistics show that this record is responsible for 17.4% of all terrorist attacks against christian establishments, such is the hatred of this song and its singer, who I am sure is bealzebub himself, sent to torture us all for eternity on earth. If I hear it once more i am sure the aforementioned statistic will rise - I advise you not to visit any radio stations in the next few weeks to be safe.
... I could go on but I am exhausted - venting is tiring, you know? But when it comes to it there is only one decent xmas song I can think of - namely "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues and Kirsty McCall (RIP) - I honestly can't recall hearing a song that I liked that was even slightly seasonal - I guess its because proper musicians very rarely pander to this commercial tripe.
So prove me wrong TMO - any proper xmas songs? Also what glorious ommisions are there from my above list?
posted
Waynster - you've fallen into the trap of naming fairy tale as the only decent christmas song... not for me, not when I've spent far too many christmases with emotionally crippled extended family blasting it out because, you know, it's got real feelings in it because he's a drunk and irish, and look, grand-dad's set fire to his coat again, and what you facking looking at, don't tell me how to raise my baby, you lot are all two faced cnuts anyway, facking christmas bollocks...put it on again! etc
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quote:Originally posted by Waynster: Sorry D, but Paul McCartney is a dick.
Amen brother. Amen.
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: any proper xmas songs?
No.
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: Also what glorious ommisions are there from my above list?
The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping. I had the misforune of hearing it on my way into the office this morning. It drained the remaining bit of the will to live from my soul.
posted
'Prettige Kerstdagen' - If I hear that one more time I am going to puke (the phrase thankfully, and not that particular song - I don't think it's on Sky's playlist, even though it's Dutch)
WHY? WHY? WHY!?!?! Why must this song be aired like it was a religious chant all the time in December? I thought xmas was about being good? Yet this song is a pack of lies! LIES I TELL YOU! George Michael lamenting on his broken heart for his ex-love for Pepsi (or was it Sherbert? I care not to remember) when all the time he is really thinking about rogering half of the male population of Kos. Lies make the baby Jesus Cry George Michealonkosithisunkis - and your bland watery flup I am sure that really makes EMO kids the way they are - having that shite rammed down their throats each year - yeah I'd want to cut myself too.
Whoa there big man! Nowhere in the actual song does it say that this is a heterosexual love he's singing about! It's just in the video that the love object in this song is Shirley or Pepsi *runs off to check Youtube favourites* (hmm, apparently it was neither, it was some anonymous girl with brown curly hair). Are you saying that homosexual men are incapable of love? While they do indeed have copious opportunities for intercourse, and while many of our homosexual friends do indeed take these opportunities, this does not mean they are incapable of romance! Tsk.
In summary:
'Last Christmas' by Wham! is exquisite. Anyone who disagrees has no soul.
posted
I totally agree about most Christmas songs being awful, but I do have a soft spot for easy listening Christmas songs. I have a great "Christmas with the Rat Pack" cd, with Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. I also have Andy Williams "Christmas Album", which I love, embarassingly enough. Another album I've got, and in my opinion, the only cool Christmas album is this - most of the songs are good, and I especially love Belle and Sebastian's version of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel".
quote:Originally posted by Waynster: So prove me wrong TMO - any proper xmas songs?
I went to watch my friend play with a chap called Yo Zushi. Yo is a very humble, crisp english speaking guy dressed in tweed, yet is born to two japanese parents. His stage manner is nervous geekery and his guitar seems to let off all kinds of dirty twanging. But his performance and voice reach absolutely angelic proportions. I was absolutely blown away. Then he finished with White Christmas and there was no annoying pomp about it. It was heartwarming and usually I'm a right gripe when it comes to christmas songs. Fortunately, the christmas song is on song his MySpace. Yo Zushi
MySpace keeps making my browser crash, ffs.
[ 21.12.2006, 08:34: Message edited by: New Way Of Decay ]
quote:Originally posted by ralph: The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping
No, sorry. Just no. This is like listening to Lipps Inc do Funkytown on the 25th of December. As I managed to still enjoy this song as the electronic jukebox played it during a particularly hot June while I cleaned the pub toilets, I have to give it some leeway.
posted
Larry is Satan's plaything - look how he sits at his minuture organ on a little adornment the devil wears upon his fingerlike a ring, while Bealzebub bangs out the best of Mariah's Christmas Special at 3000 Megawatts on the demonic size keyboard that appears at Larry's feet, and Larry accompanies on his mini-wurlitzer of destruction. And look how Larry laughs as I impale myself through the ears using a pointy stick pleading for mercy, unable to take any more of the agony, and yet to suffer this for an eternity for a few years of ignoring the morals taught me at Sunday School.
posted
I heard there is no Christmas, In the silly Middle East.. No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus, They have different religious beliefs... They believe in Muhammad, And not in our holiday... And so every December, I go to the Middle East and say...
Hey there Mr Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas Put down that book, The Koran And hear some holiday wishes Incase you haven't noticed, It's Jesus's Birthday So get off your heathen Muslim ass And fucking celebrate.
There is no holiday season in India, I've heard.. They don't hang up their stockings, And that is just absurd.. They've never read a Christmas story, They don't know what Rudolph is about... And that's why in December, I'll go to India and shout...
Hey there Mr Hinduist, Merry Fucking Christmas Drink eggnog, and eat some beef and pass it to the missus Incase you haven't noticed, It's Jesus's birthday So get off your heathen Hindu ass, And fucking celebrate.
Now I heard that in Japan, Everyone just lives in sin... They pray to several gods, And put needles in their skin... On December twenty-fifth, all they do is eat a cake... and that is why I'll go to Japan, and walk around and say...
Hey there Mr Shintoist, Merry Fucking Christmas God is gonna kick your ass You infidelic pagan scum. In case you haven't noticed, There's festive things to do So lets all rejoice for Jesus and Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
On Christmas Day, I travel round the world and say.. Taoists, Korishnas, Buddists and all you atheists too.. Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
(Note, it's not a great song in the first place, but listen to how Cliffy gives it that extra touch of Christams cheer by simply changing the tune and adding sleigh bells and a choir of genuine angels)
-------------------- my own brother a god dam shit sucking vampire!!! you wait till mum finds out buddy!
posted
As soon as I can drag myself away from panic-shopping, humming carols and drinking sherry I'll post a rebuttal in favour of Slade. Merry Christmas Everybody should probably be the British National Anthem, brimming as it is with aggression, faux sentimentality, alcoholism and anti-social behaviour.
Good thread though. And very thorough PF. Top marks.
posted
I fucking love Last Christmas by Wham and play it all year round.
I love the bitterness in "me- I guess I was a shoulder to cry on." I love The Look by the Christmas tree in the video. I love the drawn out "speeeeeeeeciaaaaaal" as the song fades out.
I actually saw the Band Aid 20 video all the way through the other day- it was...I,....there are no words.
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posted
Yes Christmas sucks arse, yes its just a load of consumerist bollock and yes I hate it with a passion, I worked in the Christmas decorations dept. of Harrods I KNOW how bad it gets. Though 'Let it Snow' is a great christmas song as is 'I'm the happiest christmas tree' and not jingle bells that sucks too but 'j.i.n.g.l.e. bells' is cool. The Tom Jones and that bird from Catatonia remix of 'baby its cold outside' is pretty good too. Oh I almost forgot 'Rudi the red nosed reindeer.' and most by Bing Crosby are ok.
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Fuck me backwards.....'the magic of childhood'? In a years time they'll are going to be preparing to learn science, maths, english literature and the homoerotic delights of being beaten up in the shower in PE. Kids aren't getting out of control these days....they are fragile as fuck.
quote:Originally posted by vikram: birthdays too. what a load of consumerist bollocks. easter too. ditto funerals. and weddings. don't get me started on valentine's.
Mmm. Maybe I'm less important than you, but my birthday isn't accompanied by a gigantic retail push that takes over the whole of the developed world, increasingly extravagant advertising campaigns, thousands upon thousands of novelty products released solely for people to buy just because they have to buy something or a vast recruitment drive for temporary retail staff to cope with the extra demand for my birthday. Nor is my birthday greeted with stern warnings about debt, nor handwringing delight from credit card companies, supermarkets, and leisure retailers that can potentially stand or fall based solely around how they do at this time of year. Ditto, my funeral and my wedding. I don't think there's any comparison at all, in fact. I see what you've done is take Kovacs's arguments smacking down people complaining that Valentine's is commercialised and distilled them into a jolt of pure Vikridiocy.
The only thing on your list which is remotely comparable to Christmas in its "Come on everyone you have to buy something" push, is Valentines, but then people complain that's a sham too, so eh. But in summary, I think someone claiming Christmas is commercialised has got a fair point.
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posted
Hmmm...I can't agree with anyone who says that The Waitresses song sucks. It's like my all time fave Xmas song.
Also, Father Christmas by the Kinks. You know the song...goes like this:
"They said: Father Christmas, give us some money Don't mess around with those silly toys. Well beat you up if you don't hand it over We want your bread so don't make us annoyed Give all the toys to the little rich boys"
Yeah, I love that song. Although, I do believe that it doesn't really feel like Christmas.
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posted
Sir Cliff and Sir Paul. Just thinking of them makes me break out in a giant hive of indifference.
Slade. You can't knock Slade's Christmas Song for arousing a reaction. On no. It simultaneaously arouses within my breast both an uplifting sense of tumultous joy and the deep, deep sinking sense of horror that is Christmas.
Fairytale of New York, the Pogues. It's old but still the the best.
Let's face it though. They are all pretty worn out.
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H1ppychick
We all prisoners, chickee-baby. We all locked in.
posted
everytime someone says "fairytale of new york, it's the only decent christmas tune" it makes me want to snarl at them "are you such a fucking sheep? can you not appreciate the majesty of the mighty wizzard or the poignancy of lennon? do you have to toe the line and efface yourself amongst all the others to whom street cred, or whatever the current term for this may be, is all that matters? have a backbone."
fairytale of new york? do me a favour. so universally acclaimed it makes me want to puke.
pipes of peace...now there's a song.
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posted
The only Christmas song I like is Badly Drawn Boy's 'Baby It's Not Your Sleigh Ride'. It's charming and gentle and - thank christ - not played to death everywhere because it was never released as a single. I'm with H1ppychick all the way on Fairytale of New York. It only seems to be so popular because it ticks a few boxes with regard to being a bit bitter, and also a bit Irish. So on the surface it's kind of the Christmas song it's cool to like, if you like peasanty drunkards slurring on about their wasted lives over a track that sounds like Stock Aitken and Waterman trying to capture a 'traditional celtic vibe'.
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