posted
I went to see Van Helsing last night! As many of you know, when it comes to big budget brainless blockbusters, my standards are pretty low. I liked DareDevil, for example. Even so, even being an intellectually bereft, emotionally stunted 26 year old who gurgles with delight when black men do kung fu on vampires, I found this 250 megaton bomb of a film beneath me.
So yeah, maybe I should have fucking better known better. But I liked the concept, and I liked the production design and so I said to my self, Thorn, I said, it's Wednesday evening, you're on your own. What else are you going to do, sit on the settee and wank yourself into a coma? In retrospect I realise I made the wrong decision.
Alot of the reviews I read of this film suggest that this is a fun romp, a good action movie. It's only fun if 'fun' means having people shout right in your ear for 2 hours as a hyper six year old plays a computer game you don't understand and someone else flashes a strobe light in your eyes. It's a bewildering, dizzying effect that could maybe be put to better use interrogating terror suspects. By the end, you're so disorientated you'd be spluttering out details of your next dirty bomb as readily as telling someone the time.
In fact, that does appear to be the object of the exercise. Watching it, buying into it is like being compromised by Big Brother. You know at the end of Nineteen-Eighty Four, when Winston admits that 2+2=5? That's what Van Helsing feels like. You've bought into a concept that makes no sense and gone along with it for no reason. "Why does Dracula know Van Helsing" "Because Helsing is is thousands of years old" "So he's immortal?" "Yes. No. I don't know." and so on.
Dracula keeps wolfmen to do his bidding - inexplicably, because a Wolfbite is the only thing that can kill him. In case one of them turns against him he has a 'anti wolfman serum' that lifts the curse. So he like, keeps this with him at all times? No, he keeps it in a tower, at the far end of his castle, in a vat of acid in a room with no exits. Why? I don't know. But we know silver bullets work. Why doesn't he just have some silver bullets, and use them against werewolves instead of one shot of curse lifting serum that he keeps in a vat of acid in a tower in the far end of the castle, easy access in case of an emergency? Leave me alone. 2+2=5.
The action sequences are scrappy, repetitive, souless and suspenseless. It's like director Sommers simply booted his camera around the set and then just had the computer effects team add in some monsters fighting. Rotten. Absolutely rotten.
In fact I'd go as far to say that liking this film isn't a matter of opinion, it's actually objectively wrong. There are so few redeeming features and it's so relentless artless and bereft of skill, it staggers me that some people are saying good things about it. Usually it goes along the lines of "You were expecting too much!" I was expecting a dumb fun movie. Was that really too much?
posted
I would love for you to see The Punisher and let me know which is worse, because I reckon my choice is one of the worst mainstream films of the last 10 years.
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: I would love for you to see The Punisher and let me know which is worse, because I reckon my choice is one of the worst mainstream films of the last 10 years.
I can't see how much worse a movie could get. You know how people say about blockbusters, "O you need to see it in the cinema"? You need this in the cinema to understand how bad it is. It's so loud, and for so long that it gave me earache and a migraine; it causes actual physical pain. That's how bad it is.
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posted
It must have the one redeeming feature of Kate Beckinsale in gothslut gear though? And Huge Ackman in a long coat for the ladies? I mean, at least there is something a bit pleasing to make your eyes happy periodically, like Ben or Liv in Armageddon.
I wasn't planning on seeing it anyway. Didn't they change his name to Gabriel? Because it's, you know, more biblical than Abraham.
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I wasn't planning on seeing it anyway. Didn't they change his name to Gabriel? Because it's, you know, more biblical than Abraham.
No, they change his name to Gabriel because in a final brain punching stupidity puke it's revealed that Van Helsing is actually the angel Gabriel! Inexplicable, utterly pointless and just one more absurdity that leaves you screaming "WHY?!? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
Yeah, gothslut cleavage action from the girl Beckinsale was a plus point, but come on. Low grade titillation stopped being a selling point when the internet was invented.
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posted
Van Helsing is the angel Gabriel ! - Fuck, a few weeks ago I saw a film in which it was claimed that Dracula was in fact JUDAS ISCARIOT.. (Dracula 2000 I believe)
When did horror become a massive God and Jesus fuckfest..?
-------------------- my own brother a god dam shit sucking vampire!!! you wait till mum finds out buddy!
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God and Jesus can be fine in horror, and given the source material Van Helsing draws on (be it the original novels or the classic Universal horror movies), all of which refer pretty straight-forwardly to a christian God in opposition to their respective monsters, I don't think it's that out of place.
Also what the fuck does it matter if his first name's Gabriel? Lots of horror films rework or revise the mythologies of the genre/original text's from which they spring. That doesn't have to be a bad thing (See Blade and the use of silver to kill vampires), it just sounds like it's been done tragically badly in this instance.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: No, they change his name to Gabriel because in a final brain punching stupidity puke it's revealed that Van Helsing is actually the angel Gabriel
You bastard. I'm really really looking forward to seeing this and you didn't warn about the spoiler. Posts: 786
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posted
Gabriel is an archangel, actually, so he's probably pretty cool and can do vampire stuff and killing and other hard shit. Like nobbing Kate Beckinsale.
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quote:Originally posted by Gemini: You bastard. I'm really really looking forward to seeing this and you didn't warn about the spoiler.
Don't worry - there are at least a dozen other crowbarred in revelations that also don't make any sense, serve any purpose or mean anything whatsoever.
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quote:Originally posted by Gemini: You bastard. I'm really really looking forward to seeing this and you didn't warn about the spoiler.
Don't worry - there are at least a dozen other crowbarred in revelations that also don't make any sense, serve any purpose or mean anything whatsoever.
W-Wha..? You mean you were serious Thorn? Christ, I thought you were joking. Lol.
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posted
Clearly it is not a crime to post spoilers about shit films. Apparently at the end Beckinslal dies, and then they burn her, and all the smoke flies up in the sky, and Van Helsing looks up and her face has formed in the clouds, and is smiling down at him. A bit like the end of Return Of The Jedi, but shitter.
Even my flatmate hated it and he has appalling taste in virtually everything. He also said that when Beckinsele dies Van Helsing is in the form of a wolf, and that he does a big 'NOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOWWWWW!' howl. And after that he turns back into a man, and wears (quote) "the stupidest face I have ever seen any action star do, ever, in any film I have seen. I think it was supposed to represent grief but I couldn't be sure."
He also said that the best bit was when Dracula tried to have children, but they melted into liquid, and then Dracula's wives were shown grieving, "only it looked like they were dancers in a Beyoncé video".
And apparently at the end it says 'Dedicated to my Dad', and thw whole cinema burst out laughing.
I believed everything he said, and now Thorn has said even more, and so I have no desire to see this film. I bet Boy Racer still goes to see it though.
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quote:Originally posted by Raz: Dracula's wives were shown grieving, "only it looked like they were dancers in a Beyoncé video".
This film's sounding better and better. Could it turn into one of those cult movies where the audience know all the dialogue word-for-word and go to see it dressed as Beyoncé's grieving wives?
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quote:Originally posted by Raz: He also said that the best bit was when Dracula tried to have children, but they melted into liquid, and then Dracula's wives were shown grieving, "only it looked like they were dancers in a Beyoncé video".
For my money, the 'high point' was Frankenstein's monster doing a two footed kung fu kick through a stained glass window and taking out one of the brides of Dracula. Or the director getting all confused and having Mr Hyde hanging out at Notre Dame cathedral and shouting "The bells! The bells!"
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quote:Originally posted by Raz: I bet Boy Racer still goes to see it though.
I was considering it for the same reasons Thorn went to see it, and to a certain extent this thread is like a big dare, but I think it's unlikely I'll be seeing this before DVD.
Anyway Troy and The Football Factory are out this weekend.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: the brides of Dracula
Is Dracula in some way famous for his bridges? Is this some essential part of the mythos that's somehow passed me by?
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, bamba. I wrote 'brides', you quoted me saying 'brides'. There's no typo you dyslexic fuck.
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posted
I'm actually more tempted to see the film than I was before, to see just how poor it is.
Thorn: better than Twister but worse than Rancid Aluminium?
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posted
I watched this film last night (stolen from the Internet, not paid for!) and I can confirm that it is either:
a) The worst film ever in the history of ever. b) An elaborate joke.
I may have missed a few subtleties of the plot though due to drunkness, any idea why or how Beckinsdale ended up at a vampire ball?
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posted
It concerns me that TMOers still watch this film in light of my review, or worse say things like "I haven't seen this yet". I'm worried I've slightly ambiguous in my disdain for this movie. Was I not clear about how bad it is? Please... I went to see this film so you don't have to. Don't make my sacrifice meaningless.
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H1ppychick
We all prisoners, chickee-baby. We all locked in.
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o, it is so, so much worse than Underworld, Ringo. Underworld at least had amusing french lead werewolf and some slightly interesting pseudogenetics.
I appreciated the warning Thorn, and to be honest it is not the kind of film I would bother to go an see anyway, but this was downloaded, and I was drunk, and it was at my house so I could go to bed if necessary. As it turns out we were drunk enough for it to be amusing, but had I been sober I'm sure it would have been painful. The downside is that I cant remember all the glorious details, just a long blur of terribleness.
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Louche
Carved TMO on her clit just to make you feel bad
posted
God, Thorn, how could I have ever doubted you?
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