posted
My friend got drunk one night and went on a site, right, that was like Gaydar for straight people. And all these men sent my friend pictures of their COCKS. One 23-year-old boy from Southend even sent my friend a picture of his cock ejaculating. She was like, WTF? The boy had the camera in one hand, cock in the other, clicked the shutter as he spurted... why? My friend was thinking, surely these men can't think that women would see these pictures of penises and become... aroused, would they? I mean, sure, thought my friend, some penises are large, some are tiny, some bend to the left, some bend to the right - but hello? It's just a stick, dudez.
Anyway. Inspired by my friend's adventures in cyberspace, I was wondering:
What's the cheeziest, most cringe-inducing thing that someone's ever done to you in an attempt to turn you on?
Alternatively:*
What's the cheeziest, most cringe-inducing thing that you've ever done to someone in an attempt to turn them on?
posted
When I was 14 I went out with a 20 year old dustman, who was also a body builder. He was also mingingly ugly, but to be honest, he had a car and would pick me up from school and all the girls were like, totally jealous. Even if he did have a Garfield stuck on the window.
I didn't like him much, but he certainly liked me. I wondered how far he would go, what I could get him to do for me, for my twisted amusement. One day I said to him "I really like men with shaved legs." Next time I saw him: no leg hair. For some gadawful reason he also decided to wear cycling shorts to demonstrate this to me. Vile. I dumped him in his own dumpster shortly afterwards.
I'm sure I must have more stories, better stories, I will go and have a cigarette and a think.
posted
The worst of it is, is that most of the cheezy and cringe-inducing techniques ever used to turn me on have usually worked. You should never underestimate mens' susceptibility to whooer tricks.
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posted
O, way to give 50% of the population an excuse not to post on my thread, Ben.
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Astromariner
Going the right way for a smacked bottom
posted
My first boyfriend and I were having one of those gropey, messy snogs you do at parties before you get older and wiser and realise that such behaviour isn't quite the done thing. Anyway, suddenly he pulls back, gives me this sort of long, soulful gaze, and then starts licking my face, from jawline to forehead. Absolutely ghastly. I had to go and hide in the loo, such was my revulsion and embarassment. I stopped seeing him shortly afterwards, explaining that I just "needed some time for me"
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posted
This is a magnificent idea for a thread... I've just got this weird feeling in my bone that the only genuine and entertaining stories will come from the fem-moons. Dunno why.
Unless the question is twisted to:
What's the cheeziest, most cringe-inducing thing that you've ever done to someone in an attempt to turn them on?
In which case, wait till I've had several lunchtime pints. God, we'd be here all night if I got started.
posted
Once I went out with a woman who was quite inexperienced, despite being 36 -- her last boyfriend had been years ago, and was, by creepy coincidence, my former English teacher from school. Whom she now hated. She was an interesting woman though, so I made the mistake of going on a couple of dates with her rather than just being friends. I said goodbye to her at the station after one of these reasonable dates (cinema and drink) and she said something worried like "I suppose you'll expect a proper kiss, then." I murmured something charming and she did something similar to Astro's adolescent boyf, but without the excuse of age -- licked around the outside of and over my mouth, as a dog would. This was made worse by taking place on a bright concourse of Charing Cross.
I was with another girl once and she decided to deliver what was meant to be a sexy line, but which went hideously wrong partly because of her wording and partly because of the total lack of conviction. It was I want to use my mouth on you...and I DON'T mean kissing. She was trying to imply oral sex, but of course the line was so flat and unconvincing that I never let her get that far.
Finally, another older woman who had been married prior to meeting me, and had perhaps become ingrained in her bedroom habits during years of familiar activity with the same man. Her "position" was to lie on her back holding her legs wide open and with her mouth gaping as if in a silent scream. I don't know how I ever put up with this. Again, it didn't last long and afterwards I wished I'd never been so stupid as to lower my sights to her.
Anyone who thinks I am being tasteless posting this on a board that my girlfriend frequents can be assured that
1) Modge sometimes does a humorous impression of the third woman
quote:Originally posted by Uber Trick: Y-you didn't like my story? *sinff*
I don't know about his danda dude, I was only 14 and the shine off his lycra cycling shorts was too bright too sneak a peak.
Obviously I didn't mean the story was terrible, just the idea of a man in cycling shorts and not on a bike, a car with a garfield in the window and a pug - ug face to match, that's terrible.
-------------------- my own brother a god dam shit sucking vampire!!! you wait till mum finds out buddy!
quote:Originally posted by Astromariner: My first boyfriend and I were having one of those gropey, messy snogs you do at parties before you get older and wiser and realise that such behaviour isn't quite the done thing. Anyway, suddenly he pulls back, gives me this sort of long, soulful gaze, and then starts licking my face, from jawline to forehead. Absolutely ghastly. I had to go and hide in the loo, such was my revulsion and embarassment. I stopped seeing him shortly afterwards, explaining that I just "needed some time for me"
posted
i once had a profoundly damaging experience with a man who didnt usually perform cunnilingus but decided he would give it a try because he really liked me or some such. he still didnt like it, as was entirely obvious by the expression on his face, but he tried to pretend he was really into it by making all kinds of... noises. the whole thing was powerfully reminiscent of the expression 'like a bulldog licking a stinging nettle', only in this case it was a grunting bulldog.
he was a lovely man, lovely lovely, and i so appreciated the thought! but there are just some moments a relationship can never recover from.
i suppose that isnt really cheesy. its just excruciatingly bad sex.
-------------------- EXETER- movement of Jah people.
quote:Originally posted by mart: It wasn't Kovacs by any chance, was it?
I don't think so...
Kovacs, did you used to be 6 years older than me and a dustman/bodybuilder called Martin who shaved his leg hair off once for a teen temptress and lived on a council estate in Mottingham?
[ 12 September 2003: Message edited by: Uber Trick ]
Kovacs, did you used to be 6 years older than me and a dustman/bodybuilder called Martin who shaved his leg hair off once for a teen temptress and lived on a council estate in Mottingham?
posted
So, this one time when I was 18 I dated this 26 year old (who once asked Amp to make him a fake fur loin cloth. She didn't even like him before that).
Being a bit older he wanted to be sexperimental so one night he said "Turn around" and blindfolded me with a scarf. Class. "Lie down. You're going to love this..."
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk! cue hilarious giggling, ripping off of blindfold and instant loss of my hard on. He had decided that it would be arousing to tickle me all over with a squirrel hair brush. A squirrel hair brush?! I ask you. Amazing the things you can get hold of if you work in a paint factory.
tickling during erotic moments = bad
edit to add: he didn't drink in pubs, om, he was too busy hanging around the schools picking up underage girls in his car avec garfield.
edit edit to add: must do work soon...
[ 12 September 2003: Message edited by: Uber Trick ]
posted
I remember this one guy who took me outside and got me to face the wall (the car park wall, by the ENTRANCE), and I think the best way to describe what he attempted next was an 'erotic cavity search'. Funnily enough, it wasn't really what I was after, so I found a feeble excuse to get back to my friends and refused to ever see him again. ewwww
-------------------- Hail to the king, baby Posts: 577
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posted
Whoosh. Once, when I was younger, a girl who fancied me and who I fancied kinda but not really tole me that the Willem Dafoe character in the Nic Cage David Lynch film… shit. What’s that called? Wild at Heart. Thank you Google. She tole me that the Willem Dafoe character in Wild at Heart turned her on. You know, the bit where he’s all rubby on Laura Dern and she’s all no, no, no, mmmmmm o god yes and then he says no, psyche. That bit. Well she tole me it turned her on. I have no idea why. It’s wasn’t a compliment. ‘Hey, Elvis, you know what turns me on… a snaggletooth psychorape fantasy. I don’t know why I’m telling you this in an attempt to turn you on. I guess you must remind me of the snaggletooth. Or I guess you strike me as the sort of teenager who’s into rape fantasies. Am I close?’ Well, sadly, yes. And no. But mainly no. Struggle with self. How do I explain this and sound any sort of sane? So, she’s at my house and a group of us have been drinking heavily all day. They go to the pub and I stay to tidy round a bit before Dad gets home and whupplebutt. I’m cleaning the landing when the bathroom door opens and she’s stood there in a towel. Now, I’m drunkish, but I’m sure I saw her leave. ‘Hey’ she says. ‘Everyone else gone?’
‘Yup.’
‘Just me and you.’
‘In this house, yes.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Uh-huh.’
She had a towel on and wet hair. I mean. Towels and hair. I was a teenager. Before we go any further can I just reassure folks that there’s no sex in this story. Nor are there acts committed against free will. And that’s not just me talking. I wouldn’t want you too scared to read on.
She’s there with the towel and the hair and she opens the door to the bedroom. ‘I’m just going to get dressed and do my make-up,’ she said. Or something like that. And then she went and stood in front of my MFI ¾ length mirror with the red plastic frame right next to my bed and she smiled at me and I dropped the duster and wandered after.
Anyway we’re kissing and it’s all a bit teethfight! but that’s excitement for you. She smoked and at the time I didn’t and she tasted terrible, but she moaned and she ONLY HAD A FUCKING TOWEL ON. Man. Her hair was wet, though, and cold like a dog’s nose. Did I mention she’s moaning and writhing? In the words of Eric Lustbader, ‘she pushed her heat against me’. Repeatedly. Like a rabbit with eczema on an E-45 tree. Anyway, for some strange reason I decided to act out the Willem Dafoe schtick. This based on one viewing while stoned. I said something terrible in a cod southern accent and tried to smile dangerously. Lololol. You have to understand this is entirely innocent. I may have brushed her leg, but that’s it. I said something along the lines of:
‘Mm-mm. Daddy likes the looka that!’
She stopped, looked at me funny, got dressed, and suggested we go the pub ‘with other people’. I blushed for, like, a year.
posted
Behind a fortified door in my mind is a vast store of shameful and embarrassing memories of sexual disasters. Mercifully, my conscious mind is protecting me.
Though, like, it occurs to me that some fellas can cause a gusset explosion merely by moving a wisp of hair off my face, where as with others, the only feeling generated by half an hour of assiduous erogenous zone attention, and dutiful licking is 'just leave my nipples alone, you spastic, and go and have a wank'. Is that bad?
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