What's Alterna-You got a shrine to, and what's on it?
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
this one really took off, eh.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
In an alternative universe you're laughing and wanking over this thread, Hippy.
[ 04.05.2007, 12:58: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
alterna-wanking.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
Is that when you use the other hand?
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
*PUSHES THREAD IN FRONT OF A TRAIN. IT SCREAMS BUT A WHISTLE DROWNS OUT THE NOISE*
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
man, this thread stinks. Phooo-weee!
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
Not only has Alterna-Benny the Ball been called about the interview that he had last week, and probably been offered the job, but he almost definately hasn't had his evening class that he was about to start teaching tomorrow evening cancelled because not one alterna person signed up for it.
Stupid Alterna-Benny the Ball
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
sucks to be you at the moment, eh benny.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Hey Benny, that's how life goes when you're stuck on Shit-Earth as shit-you.
*hands Benny a beer
Don't envy those Alterna-Earth folk. Right now, Alterna-Nathan probably isn't stuck in a directionless role for an Architectural practice which doesn't seem to know why they hired him. He's probably out touring Australia, reading from his latest novel to lecture halls full of star-struck sluts, spending the gap between sentences eyeballing the front row and working out just how many adoring fans he can reasonably smuggle into his hotel room. But you know the thing about these Alterna-Earth guys. They're a bunch of jerks. They're assholes. This life, you know, it's shittier. But it's ours, man.
toasts benny, swigs from bottle, staggers off to be sick in a bush
[ 09.05.2007, 11:44: Message edited by: Nathan Bleak ]
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
I bet alterna Louche is currently getting shagged. In a hammock.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
That wouldn't work.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
Then again,
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
Also...banana hammock Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
if any readers are interested, I would have sex with either of those girls, if the opportunity arose.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
and the chick in the background, lying down. Her as well.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
This certainly is an alternative to fun...
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
alright BM?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I'm in a baaaaaaad mood.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
right, right. I'm quite tired today.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Some **** with a goatee just walked past my desk.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I've just been handed a number 60 - black coffee.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I wish I could have a beer, right now.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
But, NO..! I have to design a fucking spreadsheet.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
remember - as well as vlookup, there's also an hlookup. And never underestimate the power of SEARCH nested within IF.
I'm doing a spreadsheet at the moment as well.
quote: If dataswitch = "time" Then
'find and add hours to total
timecell = (ActiveCell.Offset(0, 7) / 60) If timecell < 0 Then GoTo nc2 If timecell > MaxTime Then overtimenumber = overtimenumber + 1 overtimetotal = overtimetotal + timecell End If If timecell <= MaxTime Then CellCount = CellCount + timecell
ElseIf dataswitch = "users" Then
'find and add unique users to total CellCount = CellCount + 1 End If totalusers = totalusers + 1
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I'm writing a press release at the moment; a load of shit to do with Wigan. I want to put a quote from one of our guys in there, but every time I try and think of something for him to say it just comes out as "I hope everyone in Wigan dies."
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I'm doing a quote for some exhibition display banners. It's quite complicated.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
I've drunk my coffee. Had a brief chat about a jar of olives somebody just found.
[ 10.05.2007, 06:19: Message edited by: Jimmy Big Nuts ]
Posted by herbs (Member # 101) on :
I'm dealing with a bunch of FUCKS in local councils.
In Alterna-work world, council employees would answer the phone within five times of ringing them, reply to emails, and not have major arse-elbow differentiation issues.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
How are things going, down in London? I don't suppose anyone there has mentioned me...? Noticed that I've... gone? No... no I don't suppose they have...
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Somebody was talking about you up here, Thorn, very briefly, earlier, wondering how you were getting along, and stuff, and whether moving to Oxford has changed you at all, that sort of thing. Just the usual office gossip, really.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
I told them you were fine.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
yOU PEOPLE MAKE ME [B]SICK[/I]!
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: I told them you were fine.
Cool. Yeah. Good stuff. I hope they're all getting on OK too. Been really busy here! It's all working out fine, but not really.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
I just processed seven (7) expense claim forms for a recent postdoctoral interview. When have I ever been offered expenses for an interview? NEVER, that's when. Some fuck wrote "coffee- £1.80", but didn't enclose a receipt for the alleged beverage. That's £1.80 you won't be getting back, fucko!
Board, did I tell you my exciting Orlando news? My mate Heth, the dizzy one who's been shagging her disgusting housemate for 18 months right, didn't quite catch all the details amongst the rigmarole, but aforementioned disgusting housemate's dad somehow met Orlando Bloom's dad, and Bloom Sr saw Mr Disgusting's picture and said, "ooh, he's the type my daughter likes, is he single?". So, Mr Disgusting might be going on a date with Samantha Bloom, and if they get married, me and Heth will go to the wedding and can make a two-pronged assault on Orlando on the dance floor! Good, huh?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
aND THERE'S A GOOFY FUCKING ZOMBOID BEHIND ME LAUGHING LIKE A FUCKING GURGLING MORON EVERY FIVE SECONDS.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
SHE'S FUCKING OFF BACK TO FUCKING AUSTRALIA SOON. GOOD. THE SOONER THE FUCKING BETTER.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I'M HUNGRY
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
I've just been to the hospital for a scan and found out, contrary to previous information, the twins are identical. Not wanting to wake up in the middle of the night with two freaky sameosaphians at the end of the bed, glaring at me with doll's eyes, pointing and whispering "Redrum, Father." in stereophonic killer sound, I've spent the last hour or so desperately searching for evidence on the net to prove that this so called 'medical expert' may be wrong.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
They're both boys, by the way, these killer dwarves.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: the twins are identical.
hAVE ONE OF THEIR EARS PIERCED.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
Will that stop them killing me in my bed?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
BEHOLD YOUR FUTURE EXECUTIONERS!
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: Will that stop them killing me in my bed?
iF IT'S IN BED COUNT YOURSELF AS VERY VERY LUCKY.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
At least with the mirrors above my bed, I'm going to go out like the end of Enter the Dragon.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
WHEN AR...
When are they due?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
You've got mirrors above your bed? Like on the ceiling?
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I've just been to the hospital for a scan and found out, contrary to previous information, the twins are identical. Not wanting to wake up in the middle of the night with two freaky sameosaphians at the end of the bed, glaring at me with doll's eyes, pointing and whispering "Redrum, Father." in stereophonic killer sound, I've spent the last hour or so desperately searching for evidence on the net to prove that this so called 'medical expert' may be wrong.
Fantastic news, Jonesy - hope everything goes according to plan.
As for your twins=sinister worries, isn't it the case with twins that you usually get one 'good' and the other 'evil'? I guess you just have to identify the bad 'un as early as possible and marginalise him/her from day one.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: isn't it the case with twins that you usually get one 'good' and the other 'evil'? I guess you just have to identify the bad 'un as early as possible and marginalise him/her from day one.
That's what I was told, but mine are like a tag team.
Posted by Vogon Poetess (Member # 164) on :
It's rubbish enough knowing the gender, but it's even rubbisher to give em names before they come out, you know.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
Igor and Mongo.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: give em names before they come out,
Thread?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Mogwai and Banachek.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Let's suggest names for Jonesy's identical twins.
Dave and Trev, say.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Babatunde and Skeeter
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
José and Hose B (in case they become Spanish firefighters)
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by ben: As for your twins=sinister worries, isn't it the case with twins that you usually get one 'good' and the other 'evil'?
That's exactly what Raz said. I'm pretty certain he speaks from experience, because he ate the good one.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
Steelgate and Harlequin.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: You've got mirrors above your bed? Like on the ceiling?
No, I haven't really. I was pretending to be a stud.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: WHEN AR...
When are they due?
Early October. But they could come out before. Sunday, I expect.
Posted by ben (Member # 13) on :
My 7-week-old was making himself disagreeable last night so has been re-named 'Mr Hanky'.
When you're on nappy detail you can have a Gollum/Smeagol-style dialogue with him speaking in easily-simulatated "Hidey-Ho ev'rybody!" voice.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Kurt and Russell
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
What's nappy?
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
Rapid and Heatbuster.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jimmy Big Nuts: Rapid and Heatbuster.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I quite like Treenines and Threenines.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: What's nappy?
Their hair, if you're not careful.
Posted by ralph (Member # 773) on :
ralph and roy? please?
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Monkey and Spaceman.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
I was thinking about Infinite for one of them. Anyway, sorry to cause this thread to go gaybie.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
Michael and I Am Not Michael
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999: I was thinking about Infinite for one of them. Anyway, sorry to cause this thread to go gaybie.
Yeah. Cos this was a great thread.
Smoochie and Cuddles.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Yeah, it's boring now.
Shit and Fuck.
Arse and Nob.
Twat and Fanny.
Posted by Jimmy Big Nuts (Member # 895) on :
you're boring.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Smoochie and Cuddles.
That's what I call the Masketeers when I want to push them over the edge into a frenzy.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Maybe, but my alterna-twin is a fucking hoot.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: Maybe, but my alterna-twin is a fucking hoot.
Put him on.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
He posts on here sometimes. Homeless guy, romantic, always coming up with quips.
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
I'm sure Mask posted a picture of his kids once. Shaved heads and tracksuits. They looked like a right pair of pikey scumbags - like the kids that play on the towpath near the shitty council estate.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
They do often have shaved heads. Nits, you see?
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
Yeah I remember 'em. Kovacs said they looked like they were in an 80s Manchester indie band.
Posted by H1ppychick (Member # 529) on :
Barry, you seem to have calmed down a bit. Would you mind bringing on the RAGE and shouting a bit at the IT manager here? The fucking J drive has been going up and down all morning like a whore's drawers and it's getting on my tits.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
They're attempting a goth thing at the moment. Well, they call it goth. It's just a lot of skulls, really.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by H1ppychick: Barry, you seem to have calmed down a bit. Would you mind bringing on the RAGE and shouting a bit at the IT manager here? The fucking J drive has been going up and down all morning like a whore's drawers and it's getting on my tits.
Sorry, I'm all Dadded up, at the mo.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
And they're listening to Slipknot, thanks to Secret Santa.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
I hae twin nephew's - their problem is that there is no dominant twin, or that they keep switching, so they're kind of mentally stunted, speak like Bill and Ben and are just a bit backward really - but they scare me more because of this...
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
... particularly because they're 15.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Benny the Ball: I hae twin nephew's - their problem is that there is no dominant twin, or that they keep switching, so they're kind of mentally stunted, speak like Bill and Ben and are just a bit backward really - but they scare me more because of this...
You should get them some masks and guitars.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
quote:Originally posted by mart: ... particularly because they're 15.
11 - so I can just about still take them both - safe for now.
Posted by Benny the Ball (Member # 694) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask:
quote:Originally posted by Benny the Ball: I hae twin nephew's - their problem is that there is no dominant twin, or that they keep switching, so they're kind of mentally stunted, speak like Bill and Ben and are just a bit backward really - but they scare me more because of this...
You should get them some masks and guitars.
Ha ha - they'd love the masks, and would hit each other with the guitars until one went too far and blood etc
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by jonesy999:
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: WHEN AR...
When are they due?
Early October. But they could come out before. Sunday, I expect.
Cool. You can sign them up for Secret Santa.
Posted by mart (Member # 32) on :
As gifts.
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
Why the fuck are you writing about Wigan, Thorn?
Posted by Nathan Bleak (Member # 1040) on :
It's my job.
Posted by dang65 (Member # 102) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: It's my job.
You're a George Orwell-a-gram??!
Posted by Louche (Member # 450) on :
quote:Originally posted by Nathan Bleak: It's my job.
Unlucky.
Posted by jonesy999 (Member # 5) on :
It is Friday today, isn't it? Mighty quiet. This is my last day working from home for a couple of months and it's been mighty quiet.
[ 11.05.2007, 08:43: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
It is friday, yes. I made a pretty bad clothing blunder today. Got up, had a wash, put on some combats and a t-shirt, had my breakfast, put on my coat and my backpack, and suddenly my sister says "you're not going out like that are you?"
" " I reply
"You look like action man..."
Looking down, I'm wearing camo trousers, a camo jacket, and a camo backpack.
All I needed was a little 'tache, a beret and some tinted glasses and I would have looked just like Mike from spaced. Except the Nike Air Max I guess.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: I would have looked just like Mike from spaced.
Or... a carp fisherman.
Posted by Tilde (Member # 1215) on :
lol
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
quote:Originally posted by Zygote:
quote:Originally posted by Ringo: I would have looked just like Mike from spaced.
Or... a carp fisherman.
It's essential to blend into your surroundings when fishing for carp. If you don't melt into the undergrowth they just won't bite.
Posted by Black Mask (Member # 185) on :
Aye, ah'll gie ye thus carp likes fer a wee bitty skag, no?
[ 11.05.2007, 09:27: Message edited by: Black Mask ]
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: It's essential to blend into your surroundings when fishing for carp. If you don't melt into the undergrowth they just won't bite.
You also have to make sure that you use camouflaged fishing line as well. They're just so fucking wily the carp these days..
quote:Kevin Davis with 1 of 14 carp (grass), another PB weighing 13lb, taken from Larford Lakes during a 48hour session over the 26-28/04/2005. Method: 2x15mm h/m boilies on a size 8 nailer hook to 15lb sufix camo, over a bed of particals.
Posted by Ringo (Member # 47) on :
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: Aye, ah'll gie ye thus carp likes fer a wee bitty skag, no?
Ye had me unt'rsted wit te' carp there, buht then ye mentioned tha skag and... ahm sorry buh... ahm oot.
Posted by Zygote (Member # 883) on :
I am so fucking pissed off. I was on my highest ever score at Tetris -- the blocks were totally in my control; I was utterly focussed and looking like racking up even more points. I was in 'the zone'. Then... a fucking pop-up window flashed up and ruined it!1! ARGH! FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!
*ceases grinding jaw, takes several deep breaths and drags heavily on cigarette*
The most frustrating part is that I've always had pop-ups blocked since buying this laptop. I have NEVER had one flash up like this before, and what a fucking time for it to make its debut.
Apologies for this post. I have no other means of venting my frustration, barring running outside and kicking shit out of my wheelie bun.
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
" I reply![[Mad]](mad.gif)