I'm woken by the soft breath of my man, lifting the curls of hair which fall over the nape of my neck. I smile the smile of the smugly satisfied. This 'alarm' is infinitely preferable to the usual babble of a Heart 106FM DJ introducing Perfect Day or some other summer standard. I sigh contentedly and lift my head from G's chest. Wow, I'm lucky. G's everything I ever wanted in man: sensitive but sexy, edgy without being cruel, funny without being theatrical.
I tap out merry tune on his washboard stomach and giggle as he sighs but doesn't stir. A day off for our anniversary, Jules and Noah packed off to the cottage with Gramps and Sylvia, the phone off the hook - just me, my man and the blissful bond of true love. What a way to wake up.
It's all down to him of course but, well, we're a team, aren't we? And I'd never let my side down. Never. One beautiful wake up call deserves another and I know just how to return the compliment.
I slip out of bed and move to the dressing table, catching my naked reflection mid-journey. Two perfect progeny to the good and you'd never know it. Thank heavens for Pilates. I nod my head. Dragging my eyes from the firm contours of my body, I turn my attention to the dressing table. G's picture is there. I place a kiss on the end of my forefinger and transfer it to his smiling image.
It's all I can do to prevent myself crying with happiness. Can't do that though, wouldn't want to wake him. I've got my own plans for a wake up call. I open my jewellery box and remove a half-empty (half full actually) tube of Adam and Eve's wonderful Deep Throat Gel and then...
I poke a ballpoint pen deep into my right eye and vomit.
Because the real world is not like that, thankfuckly.
No, 'lectric loozers, TMO is our real world. But is there such a thing as a perfect day on the forum? If so, what would it be like? If all the elements of this procrastination station came together to form the ideal 24 hours, what kinda shit could we expect?
This won't work of course, but I've started writing it now, so:
Starting at 9:00am, let's map out a perfect day on the forum we love and loathe
Perfect fist.
9:00 - The working day begins. Three new threads have been started already. The first, by Samuel Norton, is called 'The Jew who came in from the cold'. It's something of an eye opener. Rabbi Rick has finally come clean. "There are numerous ways to combat evil," he explains, "many methods to fight the good fight." And so it seems. The Rick J/Samuel Norton persona was apparently the product of a unique think tank set up to combat anti-Semitism. "The aim of 'Project Faith'," Rick goes on, "was to reinforce people's existing beliefs by challenging them with unthinkable prejudice". Should be an interesting one.
The second thread is started by a newbie called The Quarreller. It's titled 'Come and have a go if you think your hard enuff' and reads, "im knew and smarter, than you. I reed a book a week whoo wnts the smakcDOwn!?"
The final thread is by regular Vogon Poetess. It's called 'what do we all look like naked?' and the picture in her 'post first' is a sight for sore eyes.
9:30 - Frank has asked some interesting questions on Rick's thread, comparing Norton's explanation of Project Faith with passages from John Stuart Mill's On Liberty. Black Mask has posted next - a picture of John Leslie with the words "Lying Spook" underneath it. There have been three replies to VP's thread (pictures only): Octavia, Herbs and Benway.
IAN has posted "Alright, The Quareller?" on the newbie's thread.
10:00 ???
Anyone?
...
10.05
...
10.10
...
10.15
By 10.15 there have been no new posts, but in fifteen minutes the F5 button on keyboards around the world has been hit a staggering 1,457 times to check up, just in case.
69 Comeback Elvis posts a short story detailing how odd it feels when he goes to the toilet.
I laugh.
Then I look at the VP photo and nip to the loo...
Hurrah! A post from Octavia, on the most happenin' thread in town. It just gets better and better...
A long and beautifully detailed post from scrawny about any damn thing she pleases, because she writes so excellently when she puts her mind to it, she could be talking about cat litter and it would still be gripping reading. Of course something involving copious amounts of alcohol would be better.
10.35
Three more posts on the "naked" thread, from Rose Davis, victoria and ben.
Imagine my gratification when I get to "the topic you came from" and discover that Jonesy/Benway has, as per usual, replaced the original post with an x - only to have my quoted version appear directly beneath it.
And I am getting paid to post.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: London ]
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: fish ]
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Afterwards everyone feels better.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Vogon Poetess ]
He provides evidence that TMO will feature heavily in the new series (including actual posters from the real site). Apparently a BBC executive stumbled across The Moon and fell in love with the place when he lurked and then briefly posted under the moniker 'Truly Topcat'.
It's rumoured that Darryn has a walk on part in episode 1.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
quote:
Originally posted by 69 Comeback Elvis:
12.15The Quarreller tells everybody he works for Price Waterhouse & Cooper.
And is taller than Carter.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
quote:
Originally posted by mart:
12.13 Fish posts the pic of Wheelchair Jonesy. No perfect day would be complete without that.
Oh I don't know. There are alternatives...
There's not a dry chair among London's media elite.
Oh, and then someone posts that picture of Thorn looking like a spasticated ventriloquist's dummy, operated by Benway.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: herbs ]
Scribble posts. I miss Scribble
Fish phoos Mart's head onto a spastic.
The Dixie Flatline points out that actually it's PricewaterhouseCoopers (all one word).
Jonesy lols at VP
After half an hour of deep psychological turmoil, jonesy can't help but respond...
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: fish ]
quote:
Originally posted by fish:
1530 Quantumfag starts a thread asking if anyone else likes to regularly dress in women's clothes.After half an hour of deep psychological turmoil, jonesy can't help but respond...
12:42
Jonesy responds: "Didn't you used to be quantum fish?"
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Dang65 posts to ask Darryn if there is something wrong with the clock on TMO.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Upon reading it everyone feels a tiny pang of concern before settling into a smug sense of superiority because:
a) If they were in India they'd be having a much better time.
b) This way they don't have to feel jealous.
Darryn confirms that there is something wrong with the clock but will neither confirm nor deny the rumour that he gets to shag Soph.
12:51 -
Sabian explains that the clock is not working because of something rilly rilly complicated - then goes on to describe it as "quite simple really".
Only ben falls for it.
The boards are silent for an hour.
12.52 Mart thinks better of it.
Wuold aynybdoy lkie ot no thee awnswer"/?
12.53 forum comes back up minus several posts
12.54 Phill asks where the missing posts are
12.54 and 2 seconds Darryn makes note to kill Phill on his PDA.
quote:
Originally posted by Darryn.R:
12.54 and 2 seconds Darryn makes note to kill Phill on his PDA.
13.02
bob quickly loses the plot and almost gives in.
Cutey1979: Hey. I like ur pix. Ur cute!
Kovacs: Thank you. Do you have a picture yourself?
Cutey1979: Yeh but I cnt make it come on the net. I need a man 2 help me! 
Kovacs: Tell me about your breasts...
Cutey1979: OK there 34C, really perky n pretty...
Kovacs: I have wood
Cutey1979: Ur weird!
Kovacs: Talk about your minge or something. I need amusing "chate" to show my friends.
Cutey1979: Eww. Are u sum kind of pervert?
Kovacs: I sometimes wear lipstick.
______________________
Cutey1979 has left this conversation
______________________
'Whose Troll' is coming along nicely, Cassandra's and Roclad's take on 'Breakfast with Shaft' is an inspired performance.
13.30 Newbie "The Watcher" posts with a two-cent psychoanalysis of ten key TMO contributors, based on his months of lurking.
13.31 A disguised MacAndrew launches his new mask, "JokerJak", with a thread of wannabe cruel but actually embarrassingly feeble jokes based around puns on posters' names. Some of these jokes involve anagrams; some involve wordsearches and cartoons.
Teflon wheels out a knobjoke.
Dixie starts to post some shit about dead arabs and her head bursts into flames.
The internet laughs.
"I am hott. Is this the chatboard for the new series of Attachments?"
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
quote:
Originally posted by Bob:
13.29
vogon poetess bangs on about being single and thron davis leaving his videos all over the place.
14.10
Hapless Noob fails to understand thread and instead posts lame observations garnered from a week or so of posting.
Receives a pic of Larry pleasuring himself with a Dunce's hat.
quote:
Originally posted by jonesy999:
New Bea starts her first thread?"I am hott. Is this the chatboard for the new series of Attachments?"
Everybody says 'Yes!'
New Bea never posts again. Ever. Anywhere.
PS. this actually happened.
14.16 Victoria emails me to tell me she's newly single. But that doesn't really affect the rest of you.
Post continues with a detailed account of how Ringo woke up when his Dad placed a cup of tea carefully on a speaker by Ringo's bed; of the music that slowly roused Ringo from his dream; of the exfoliating wash Ringo used, and the way the moisturiser was fresh on his face as he left the house; of Ringo's morning at work being asked to fix technical problems; of the way he burned back home for a sandwich and cup of tea with his sister; concludes with the line "I knew this was going to be a perfect day."
quote:
Originally posted by ben:
I have not, nor ever shall, availed myself of the vile act in which you are now revelling. Not. Once. Never.
Steph off-of Big Brother?
" and the line "I don't know why I am even writeing this now..."14.21 Amy replies encouragingly. Post includes "Grrr" and "Go you".
14.22 Ben replies with a post irrelevant to the thread, including the word "L@@K", which is cleverly and cynically hyperlinked to another thread entirely.
quote:
Originally posted by kovacs:
14.17 Ringo posts a lengthy report of a dream he had last night about how somehow he was in The Matrix Reloaded but Darth Vader was also in it, and Ringo found himself in black latex running down the corridors of his old school, seeking a final duel with Vader, when he met Vogon Poetess in a long rubber dress and they had to team up.
Kovacs announces that he has started work on his new book. Apparently he's written almost 2,000 words today as well as TMO! The book is a startling look at internet communities and the effects of popular culture on their dreams. He unwittingly launches a competition to design the cover in one thread, and using some clever trickery, gets other forumites to write his first chapter in another.
14.31 Ben contributes a post that contains "xxxxxxxxxxx" to separate distinct ideas, italics for the penultimate line and concluding thought, and bold for the question he wants other forumites to answer.
Helpful Stevie explains:
Guys, if you want to vent spleen about other posters' annoying textual mannerisms, it has to be in the context of a "perfect day". Therefore you should preface your pisstake with "14.20: this did not happen".
14.35 Someone starts a thread asking how everyone lost their virginity.
14.36 Someone asks for information about Nine Inch Nails.
14.37 Someone asks for advice on recreational drugs.
14.45 Pink's job is done.
Jonesy too is having an off day. He has been ‘away’ for ‘ages’ and ‘feels’ like an ‘outsider’. To prove it he posts 500 of the best words in the funniest order.
Kovacs starts a thread about fancying attractive young ladies who are one day from their 16th birthday. Later he explains that the thread was about media representation. This is revised to his not being wholly comfortable about fancying them when they are old. The thread ends when Kovacs accuses Thorn of starting it in the first place.
quote:
Originally posted by MiscellaneousFiles:
15:04 - Kovacs posts something about another forumite which could be construed as sarcastic, but probably wasn't.
No, that's not what he meant, though I can see why you thought that.
All of the oldies from days gone by, start posting again.
quote:
Originally posted by Amy:
15:06All of the oldies from days gone by start posting again.
Bandy reminds them all that he, actually started posting on Seethru before them.
quote:
Originally posted by Amy:
15:06
All of the oldies from days gone by, start posting again.
That's a nice sentiment, Amy - but won't new posters like Bob feel undervalued and excluded?
Also: surely "all the oldies" would probably include Guyburo, Sabret00the, Robin, Apple and Jimbo - all people who left under a considerable cloud... making the ones who stayed on feel distinctly uncomfortable?
[edit: to add apple]
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: ben ]
The forum welcomes back a rush of posters from days gone by, pre-novemberists and post-novemberists join together in a serial togetherness thread dedicated to composing new lyrics to 'kum-ba-yah', so as to not exclude the noobies. A very warm sensation permeates the forum, until the point at which someone realizes they're holding hands with Steelyquin, at which point there is an urgent request made for disinfectant hand wipes.
The most recent temporal anomoly resolves itself and life continues normally. Carry on.
quote:
Originally posted by ben:
Also: surely "all the oldies" would probably include Guyburo, Sabret00the, Robin and Jimbo - all people who left under a considerable cloud...
why did jimbo leave? i dont remember. was it something to do with kitty?
Later, IRL, Ben pisses on the chips of a passing child.
15:52
Mart affably suggests that people calm down and make friends.
15:53
London points out that not only is conflict the lifeblood of the forum but, on a personal level, it is a powerful aphrodisiac.
15:54
People argue harder.
15:55
Someone posts a picture of that scouser and says, "Aye aye aye! Calm down! Calm down!"
Over in 'Whose Troll', The Man in the White Coat Struggles to recall the lyrics to I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester while The Spectator pretends to be an accordion.
I arrive for my first TMO visit of the day to discover that not all the active threads are 3 pages and 18 topics in, and that I am able to post something interesting and valid.
16.05
Ben starts a thread wishing SamuelNorton Happy Birthday complete with suitably-Googled-for picture.
edit: googlef 
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Modge ]
Everyone lols and calls a ben a bender.
Dang makes a particularly funny gag about German sausages.
Ringo gets laid by the most attractive girl on the forum..
Ringo wakes from his 2Fast2Furious Vs TMO daydream to find his supervisor beckoning him to his pod.
In an unrelated incident, Damo666 crouches on the floor of the PhD lab and holds his breath. After ten point two seconds, he cautiously waves his hand in front of his face, and finds that the trails still haven't worn off. With a sigh, he grimaces, stands, and goes back to the microscope, wondering how long these things last for if you take two on an empty stomach.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Dr. Benway ]
'Whose Troll' becomes officially sweet when Bones and A Lady are performing The Little Engine that Could in mime and Thorn forgets to log back in as Bones.
Pains me to say it but lol@fish.
.
17:02- discodamage offers to show 'bones' her breasts. 'bones' is in actual fact her arch nemesis 'thorn davis' in disguise. oh, the indignity. oh, the humanity.
Also, I don't think that picture is actually very good. If you look closely you can see the blurring around the edges!
And he doesn't look anything like Gloria Hunniford! What's the point?
quote:
Originally posted by sweet:
Also, I don't think that picture is actually very good.
Go on then; do better. I dare you. I double dare you motherfucker. Make a better picture.
In fairness though, I actually thought the phoo looked better halfway through...
quote:
Originally posted by Octavia:
Not seeing your name on that ol' meet list, Banders...
That's cos i'm not gonna be there. Instead, i'll be drinking all-inclusive domestic spanish lager in the Balearic sun.
[cough] With 34 scousers. [/cough]
[cough] On a stag do. [/cough]
To add: Does anyone else think that, in the last picture, Jonesy looks as if he has a mouth full of semen?
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Bandy ]
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
(thread hijack: when are we going to squash?)
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: fish ]
froopyscot groggily joins the forum having ingested his fifteenth cup of coffee that day. his first nonsensical post of the day contains no capitalization due to his hands shaking too much to hold down the 'shift' key. astoundingly, froopy's post does not kill the thread.
quote:
Originally posted by fish:
Bravo!(thread hijack: when are we going to squash?)
I haven't been anywhere near White City. Maybe in a couple of weeks.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
quote:
Originally posted by jonesy999:
x[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
why the edit? It was a great picture and I didn't have time to save it
Post it back up bitch!
I'll sort it tomorrow.
For the time being:
18:46 Thread gets back on topic.
Prince Harry starts a thread on "pot". No replies as yet.
The Cat comes out to play.
someone posts a picture of gordontgofer getting his body and internal organs well and truly fucked until death in a bizarre combine harvester accident.
no-one seems that interested until misc and bandy point out that the image has definitely not been phooed, then there is much rejoicing.
Stefanos makes a post and removes it 32 seconds later.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Stefanos ]
Amy quotes Mart:
quote:
Everyone is still around online, posting crazyhorse shit
And then posts a photo:
(as a side note: if you ever come across crazy horse malt liquer, don't drink it. it's nasty.)
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Amy ]
stakker posts a thread asking for help for one of his trustafarian friends in a slightly creative job clearly beyond his meagre abilities whose parents own whole acres of sw3 and whose cadogan square world he inhabits, whilst simultaneously defending his working class mancunian roots on another thread where someone has attacked home counties manchester united fans.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: omikin ]
Scrawny logs on after godawful day to find out that once again, the best thread ever has raged without her.
Actually, no, this is a perfect day, isn't it? So Mart's idea is better. Everyone is still around.
Ben posts a thread about getting drunk online, followed by the phrase, "Who's with me?"
Nobody is with him, as everybody is driving round the M25 with a scrumpled-up flyer and the address of a phonebox in hertfordshire in their hands, where they will eventually arrive to find another set of instructions and a phone number written in eyeliner. The voice on the end of the phone provides directions to another phone box slightly outside Cardiff, where a fire-breathing dwarf in period costume drops cryptic clues as to the next destination, which after much frantic decoding, turns out to be another phonebox in a remote village in the outskirts of Stockholm.
20:42
Ben sinks his third lonely vodka-orange.
The phonebox in Stockholm turns out to be a bit of a let down, as the dwarf is somehow inexplicably there first to point out that he meant Stockwell, not Stockholm. The convoy moves onto Stockwell, and is directed by Sean Ryder via the means of semaphore and interpretative dance towards a dark, underground series of rat-infested tunnels snaking beneath the capital.
20:56
Ben starts an online conversation with himself. On MSN.
The tunnels seem to last forever, as Ryder's directions seem slightly suspect. However, just when the forites are beginning to lose hope, a bright light at the end of the tunnel indicates that they have found what they were looking for. Huge, intimidating men who may or may not all be Marcellus Wallace check passwords and personas on the way through a portcullis reinforced with titanium. The lights disappear, and, plunged into darkness once more, the forites panic. Mart suggests that everyone calm down, Benway starts to tell a story about how this happened in a film he saw once where all the protagonists were forced at saber-point to dance on their eyeballs until it really hurt, and Ringo cops a feel of the person in front of him, who turns out to be Thorn. But then the lights come up slowly, and they look ahead to the coming of their saviour, who is seated on a throne before them, the omnipresent dwarf to his right, Sean Ryder and a naked harpist to his left, and the forum gasps, collectively, at the wonder burning their eyes and swelling their hearts...
21:02
Ben wonders where everyone is.
21:03
ElvisMeatTM kicks off with a bang.
21:22
Phill takes to talking exactly as he spells.
21:23
Octavia pans his face in.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: scrawny ]
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Louche ]
Edit to fit in with actual point of thread:
21:51: Astromariner, after a bottle of rioja, professes undying love for Louche. Who is alarmed.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Astromariner ]
21:23
the forum* doesn't mourn his absence.
*except amy
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: omikin ]
21:25
er...so does rick.
Right?
Amy gets excited, she can finally go home.
g'night.
"if i could just once catch your eye"
it's from a song.
edit; it could actually be what you said...things might've gotten turned around in the translation.
[ 02 July 2003: Message edited by: Amy ]
quote:
Originally posted by Astromariner:
I love you, Louche!!!!Edit to fit in with actual point of thread:
21:51: Astromariner, after a bottle of rioja, professes undying love for Louche. Who is alarmed.
The editing was not due to alarm, was due to Scrawny posting whole loads of interesting shite above. Please profess undying love on many and inappropriate occasions. Is good.
quote:
Originally posted by kovacs:
o you prize c*nt.
S-sory.
This is something we've always done to settle arguments - our variation on "let's toss for it", which simply sounds so crude and devoid of poetry. 'Kissing for it' is exactly that - a long, drawn out, sensuous French kiss. The first to break away and come up for air loses. Although, how can there be any losers in a game like that?
I tenderly hold G's face in my hands and our lips meet, tongues snaking greedily together and beginning their familiar dance. It's funny how tongues can vary, isn't it? As different as...fingerprints. I knew the first time I kissed G that I'd found my ideal kissing partner. He calls it lipsinking, which is the perfect description in my mind - it captures our fantastic synchronisation and the wonderful feeling of drowning in passion.
That's how I feel now: my brain starved of oxygen, I could almost sink under and vanish in a haze of bliss - literally giving my heart to him. But only almost. I pull away breathlessly and he laughs. I cling to him, panting.
"I guess you go first," I laugh.
"Well," he smiles, "I was going to say, it's been a perfect day so far but it's only ten o'clock. Let's stay up all night and make it even more special."
"Oh my god," I pant, "I was going to say exactly the same thing. So we 'kissed for it' for nothing?"
"Want to do it again?"
Or we could burn each others faces into amusing shapes with a welding torch.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Look, a line of 'x's - for added perfect TMOness.
Yes, it's only 22 hundred hours and it's been a perfect day so far, but this perfect day still has 11 hours to go...
22:00 - The night shift seems to be bigger than usual (in that it isn't just Mart and Kovacs). Amy starts a thread asking, "Why are there so many people still here?"
22:10 - Already ten replies on Amy's thread. 69 Comeback Elvis says he is full of pent up creative energy and just has to post tonight.
London admits to feeling slightly horny and has a thread to finish on the subject. Should go up in the next hour.
Doctor Benway has a story he wants us all to read.
Frank is having so much fun debating with Rabbi R that he's decided to stay.
Ben has further investigations to make on that score.
Billybo is back and wants to catch up.
Doctor When says he's simply "in the mood for posting".
Kovacs is still waiting for The Spectator to 'do' him.
Raz is still working on his pitchers.
And Black Mask points out that he's done two bongs of Lee and Perrins and won't be satisfied until he's made The Quarreller cry.
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
Theres been a bit of a lull, mainly due to big brother, the news, wanking for coins, getting some beer etc.
People are now settling in for a long rambling drunken thread. With Bamba getting steadily more inebriated and as such more likely to spew forth a characteristic rage and/or confession of love. Which will be remembered hazily by himself.
Ten minutes of silence. Perfect. So many great threads today, I needed the respite to catch up. The Alice Cooper through the looking glass skit was fantastic and the Meat Loaf: Man Sandwich posts had me in stitches. I'm glad I had time to read them all because I've a sneaking feeling this is the calm before the storm, mofos
[ 17 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]
edit - lolol
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: fish ]
[ 03 July 2003: Message edited by: jonesy999 ]