So, you've chosen your dog. Now comes your second choice - What do I call it ?
There are many good names for your dog:

• Satan
• Tyson
• The General
• Terminator
• Well 'Ard
• Bastard

Under no circumstances agree to let your bird name your dog. Birds can't name dogs, and if she even suggests calling your mighty beast of death 'Mr Puffles' give her a good slap.

Training your dog
The best way to train your dog is to kick it. If it pisses in the house - kick it. If it shits in the house - kick it harder. The training by kicking method has been used by Ladz for years, not only will the dog fear and respect you, a good kicking will also help turn a normally placid canine into a psychopathic killer.
Another good way to make a dogs blood boil and turn it into a mean fightin' machine is to wrap an elastic band around it's knackers. This will piss the dog off no end, and when you whip it off it'll be so happy that it'll kill whatever you tell it.
(remember to take the laccy band off though, otherwise your dogs bollocks will shrivel and fall off, and a dog without bollocks is a soft shite)

Feeding
Don't feed your dog too often, a dog looks hardest when you can see its ribs. When you do feed it, make sure you give it plenty of blood so it gets a taste for it.

Where to keep it ?
If you keep your dog in the house it will become soft. Best place to keep your dog is chained up in the garden. Not only will he make an excellent guard dog, but if chained correctly his all night barking will piss your yuppie next door neighbours off. And if they complain, simply let him slip his chain and watch 'em shit themselves..

Exercise
Keeping your dog in shape in a must. The best place to exercise your dog is your back garden where your dog can run uncontrolled whilst attempting to kill next doors cat. Remember if he catches it and rips it to shreds to praise him, and let him eat it. The local park is also a good place to exercise him as many other so called *dogs* will be there.
This is a great place to train his fighting instincts on those small yappy rat like like things owned by poofs or on small yuppie children called Tarquin or Jocasta.


FLM's expert dog thug: Barry 'Fishknife' St'Claire.