posted
...but I couldn't decide which one to use. Thankfully, I am less indecisive in other areas of my life, and I'm getting married. On Friday.
So, to honour and mock - sorry mark - the occasion:
Serious option: Impart some words of wisdom about marriage/weddings or
Easy option: relate an amusing wedding anecdote
Posy Flinging
You'll have to wait til next week to hear my amusing wedding anecdote but I can tell you that:
getting married seems to be up there with having a baby in the "ooh, its really soon, are you nervous?" stakes.
most online brides say things like "well its my day and if mil2b doesn't like it then tough" and "I can't believe none of my friends will spend £350 to come to Paris for my hen week, how selfish".
when you try to book a car company, the price increases by 200% if they know it is for a wedding.
the chocolate fountain and vodka luge are this year's wedding must haves.
deciding whether or not to have a gift list/how to tell people you have a gift list without causing any offence to anyone requires an intervention by the United Nations.
balloon arches and dove releases are "tacky"... well compare them to the hip-ness of the vodka luge. see? tacky.
it's actually quite exciting.
tan lines are really hard to get rid of in a hurry.
quote:Originally posted by Modge: Serious option: Impart some words of wisdom about marriage/weddings or
Easy option: relate an amusing wedding anecdote
pt 1: weddings, they only get daft when family gets involved. remember. its not worth the chocolate luge or vodka fountain. its also not worth doing it deliberately on the cheap. people are going to have a good time and moan, regardless of what you do/don't do. there'll always be someone doing druqs in the toilet. there will always be someone perving when they shouldn't. there will always be something to moan about. there may be a fight. there may be some sex. generally people will be happy if you look happy. kids will always slide across the dancefloor on their knees. grannies will always end up dancing with someone.
stop thinking about everyone else, and think about "what do i want to remember about this day? the fact that my husband insisted i dressed as catwoman and he as batman and that made both of us very very happy. or the fact that somebody didn't like the catering?"
pt2: the only thing i did that was vaguely funny was telling some bloke i'd fuck him up if he didn't piss off and leave my missus alone. as he drove off in his car from the valet at the delano. me. all 5 foot nothing and a gob and a half.
sorry. my wedding was really rather low key. i rang my best mate and he was "ungh. what? eh?" as i'd kept it a surprise. as i couldn't afford to throw a big one. we was/is poor.
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quote:Originally posted by doc d: the only thing i did that was vaguely funny was telling some bloke i'd fuck him up if he didn't piss off and leave my missus alone. as he drove off in his car from the valet at the delano. me. all 5 foot nothing and a gob and a half.
Small people are very, very dangerous though. I wouldn't mess with one myself. Anyone seen the tiny American sergeant from off of Escape To The Legion? Pure, professional evil!
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posted
Good luck Modge - I'm sure it'll be a great day. I can't think of any amusing anecdotes off the top of my head; usually I'm pretty wrecked when I'm involved in a wedding anecdote, and don't find out about it til the day after. I do like weddings, though. There was a spate of them over the last 18 months, where all the girls in our gang got married one after the other. None of them to me mind, although I think I tried to fuck each of them at some point over the last decade. Always the bridesmaid, eh? If you see what I mean. Actually, I don't suppose you do.
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turbo
Gold..... What is it good for? You can't eat it, you can't smoke it, yet everybody wants it.
posted
Over the last 2 months we've been to something like 4 weddings, which is par for the course, as every summer over the last 5 years has been a wedding-summer for us. What doc d said is spot on - as long as the happy couple are happy, who gives a shit? It's your day, don't spend it worrying about others. One of the weddings we went to was a karaoke wedding. Now, I loathe karaoke, but the bride & groom looked so happy warbling away into their microphones and at the end they were both breathlessly enthusing about their fantastic wedding, which is the way it's meant to be.
Have a great day!
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posted
I just had to look up what a 'vodka luge' was...you so need to have one of those! Think of the comedic potential! From the obvious 'urinating cherub' option to....who knows what? Im sure the forum can provide a few ideas.
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posted
My marriage was a disaster from the word go, from my mother telling my wife to be that: "He was an accident, I never wanted him, he's bad luck !" whilst rip roaringly drunk right the way through to the bitter twisted divorce, so if nothing else you can rest assured that you will have a much better day than I did.
Still, you're marrying for 'lurve' and that's the right reason, you've not been conned into it by some stupid bitch who convinced you that your child couldn't have your last name unless you were married which was an utter fucking lie on the part of the rancid fat whore whose own stupidity lead to the pregnancy in the first place, I mean don't say you're going to go on the pill if you're not going to fucking take it you slag.
I digress.
He's a lucky boy y'know, you're a smashing lady and sweetly pretty, you could do so much better. But he's got you now, trapped somehow by his evil Sith mind tricks and there's no escape. No escape.
Seriously though, I hope you both have a great day and we do expect to see some pictures of this event.
posted
Hullo Modge. You seem far too calm and sensible to get caught up in Handbag-style wedding hysteria about selfish guests ruining everything by turning up in white or black or clashing with the lilac bridesmaids or whatever. Guests really don't notice whether the table flowers match the lettering on the invites, or what kind of shoes the bride is wearing. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day.
Every wedding I've been to has run really smoothly and all have had a great time. I fear that weddings where hysterical/vindictive exes dramatically arrive half way through the ceremony to disrupt proceedings only happen on TV soaps. How disappointing. If this does happen, though, at least everyone will remember yours!
I do wish that everyone would not insist on getting married in July and August though. I have 3 weddings in the next few weeks, a friend has 4 with accompanying Hen weekends- that's two whole months of weekends knocked out by other people's nuptials. Also this "weddings are a great place to meet people" is a total myth. I'm pretty much always the only single person there, sat surrounded by other couples and watching the star couple get even smugger. Hurrah!
If people are offended by the notion of Gift Lists (like I am) they will just get you something random, so no worries there. I do puzzle over the wedding card, however. The standard WH Smith Happy Wedding ones with silvery balloons and flowers are DULL. Alternative ones are sometimes a little OTT, I saw one the other day with a 1950s pic of a bride and groom with the caption "welcome to 30 years of rubbish sex!", which I considered for a while and then reluctantly discarded.
Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
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turbo
Gold..... What is it good for? You can't eat it, you can't smoke it, yet everybody wants it.
posted
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
In Holland, you only have weddings with a free bar. The thought of a bar where you have to pay is a preposterous idea over here. Cue me at a wedding in London, standing at the bar where I've just ordered a huge round of drinks. "That'll be 16 pouns then please," says the bartender. I laugh and try to walk off with my tray of drinks. "THAT'LL BE 16 POUNS THEN PLEASE," he repeats. "Oh, you're serious?" says the girl with no money on her whatsoever. Most embarassing.
[ 12.07.2005, 05:30: Message edited by: turbo ]
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posted
dont wear a dress with a big train like my cousin did, because clumsy fuckarses like me will tread on it and you will spend every smiling-and-nodding conversation post ceremony waiting for a loud renting noise to split the heavens in twain.
do's: employ country dancing at all possible junctures of the event. many churches and civil venues have aisles wide enough to allow basic strip-the-willow manoeuvres nowadays.
have the speeches before dinner so noone has a chance to get wankered and 'improvise'.
who was it who told me the story about the friend of hers who spent £250K on the wedding only to have someone fall down dead of a heart-attack twenty minutes into the reception. ha ha! god hates conspicuous over-consumption.
invite loads of single women and no single men. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. the whole point of gettting married is to make single women you dont know get drunk and headbutt the handdryer in the loos as their eye-makeup cascades down their face in rivulets.
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
Yeah. Fucking hell that was bad. *winces at the hazy memory*. That was the day I met Rose, actually. Apparently by the end of the evening I was trying to balance my chair on the back two legs, but obviously it kept falling over and I kept smashing my head into the ground. I ended the evening lying in the road on the Weymouth seafront. I'm told I went up to one girl and leeringly announced "I was watching you in the church". Then there was an attempt at the dance floor that involved me canonning around knocking old ladies and kids off their feet. I remember the groom had words with me about laying off his brother's girlfriend. Yeah. I'm not sure I like weddings with a free bar.
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quote:Originally posted by discodamage: the friend of hers who spent £250K on the wedding only to have someone fall down dead of a heart-attack twenty minutes into the reception.
posted
A quarter of a million pounds on a wedding? That'd have to be a really good day, wouldn't it? For that money, I'd want vodka luge track that you could actually race on.
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posted
But even if one little tiny thing went wrong (a fly on the smoked salmon), you'd feel like bursting into tears and screaming "how can this possibly happen when today has cost as much as a house?!?!"Posts: 14015
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
Once, of cherished memory. We gave up ordering drinks and just ordered bottles. If the bride's father didn't want people taking the piss, he shouldn't have let the groom invite his friends. My other half of the time lost the use of their legs, so I had to kind of sling the arms around my neck and drag.
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quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
I've been to several over the last few years, they were standard until about fifteen years ago. I went to a wake with a free bar a few weeks back. People tend to enjoy themselves when there's a free bar.
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: I'm pretty much always the only single person there, sat surrounded by other couples and watching the star couple get even smugger. Hurrah!
The last wedding I went to was fantastic, the happy couple did one dance together (the first one, obv) and thereafter proceeded to get insanely pissed with their own groups of pals and ignore each other entirely for the rest of the night. Don't think either of them would have been up for pulling, tho.
Modge, you amaze me. You managed to write about an oncoming wedding without using the word aaaaaaargh. None of my friends have been able to do this so far.
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posted
People kept saying to me "try and savour the moment" as it all goes so quickly and before you know it, you're waving the last guests off and heading up the stairs wondering if you really have to have a bonk on your wedding night as you are so spectacularly knackered. They were right though. It does fly past so try and find a quiet moment to look round at everything and commit it to memory. [Putting disposable camera's on the tables for people to take loads of pictures is good too as you'll get loads of candid ones you wouldn't have otherwise].
Oh, and I don't know if you smoke or not, but nothing looks worse than a bride with a fag in her hand, so, y'know, good look to avoid.
I heartily agree with what everyone else said though on the whole "it's your day, enjoy it and sod everyone else" front [apart from the smoking bride thing] so, I really hope you and the fella have a bloody brilliant day and enjoy every moment of it.
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posted
The only thing worse than a pay bar is an unexpected free bar. I went to a "conference" once. It was in some godforsaken country house in Berkshire or somewhere else in the Thames Corridor. The Thames Under-the-stairs Cupboard I think it was. Anyway, it was a one day thing and all the "delegates" drove there, planning to make an immediate getaway the moment the last Powerpoint slide had faded out.
The day's tedium finally ended, at which point they announce that we were welcome to stop for a drink or two, the bar's paid for.
You could've cut the tension in the air with a cocktail stick. What to do? Free beer. Drink! Free. Got to drive home. Told missus would be back by five today. Stop for one? Yeah, spose one would be ok. Do they do take-away beer? If I drink four pints really, really fast I could probably drive home before it hits me?
quote:Originally posted by Vogon Poetess: Has anyone ever been to a wedding with a free bar? Are they just distant legends?
Our wedding had a free bar - we provided shedloads of red and white wine and champagne, and also let people get drinks from the bar if they'd rather (thank you pink's dad, we didn't dare ask how much that'd cost him, with my dodgy mates on cocktails all night).
Congrats on wedding, am sure it'll be great, just relax and enjoy it and remember you can legitimately boss people about, being the bride and all. Posts: 710
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posted
You know a weird thing? I can't work this one out: my other half's cousin has decided to have her wedding in Florida (note: she lives in Yorkshire)
She's got no links with the place whatsoever, and she wants everybody to traipse over there to attend this wedding.
Anyone know anyone like this?!
I'm really glad I've never met her; it means I don't have to fork out the cash for a transatlantic flight!
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posted
The last wedding I went to with a free bar, my girlfriend spilled a full pint of Guinness over the bride's dress (with the bride in it, natch) just before the first dance.
It was my pint of Guinness, so it goes without saying Kirsty tried to blame me for it.
All things considered, the bride took it pretty well, better than my girlfriend.
It took me a good half an hour to calm her down, after which I went to the bar to get her a drink. I was only away two minutes, just long enough for some smiley Aunty of the bride to wander over and say, "Ah, you're the girl who spilled stout all over the bride, aren't you?"
quote:Originally posted by Phoenix: Anyone know anyone like this?!
I know people go to Florida from all over to have their wedding at Disney World - the bride pretends she's Cinderella or something.
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Yeah. My sister. She's getting married in Las Vegas next year. She's doing the tack thing. Getting an Elvis wedding, ordered her flaming psychobilly dress, her old man has been fitted for his Nudie suit. The theme is Pirates & Rock Stars. We can't go. We can't get the time off when she's booked it. Can't take the kids out of school. Can't afford 4K (roughly) for the mini-break/expenses. So...
quote:Originally posted by Black Mask: She's having a do when she gets back, though. [/QB]
thats what we told people. we chose miami as we were going to be on holiday there. and the other time we'd see each other time we'd see each other was christmas. so it was "miami in the sun" or "manchester at christmas".
surprisingly manchester didn't win. mainly due to finances, the fact it would get out of hand as to the numbers and the cost. and the fact i'd probably end up doing crack and get caught by my sister.
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posted
Note to self: make sure sibling doesn't catch you doing crack.
jonesy: if you want to make your girlfriend feel better, I heard a story about a bride who was signing the register when the officiant knocked over the inkwell, the contents of which flooded down the front of her dress. This might be a wedding-urban myth though.
I forgot to mention the bestest thing I came across when wedding planning: The Pre-E support threads on wedding forums. Yup, that's right, there are forums on the internet where unengaged girls meet to support each other through the trauma that is waiting for a proposal. They do weekly updates on whether the bf has maybe done enough overtime to buy the ring, how much badgering they've fitted in and, horribly, how much wedding planning they've done.
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posted
i felt very much like "what the fuck?". luckily there weren't very many people, a speech, a cake, or anything like that. just booze, food, and two friends.
i think swearing is ok. in fact it may be encouraged.
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quote:Originally posted by Modge: Serious option: Impart some words of wisdom about marriage/weddings or
Easy option: relate an amusing wedding anecdote
All the weddings I've ever been to, I've always got really really drunk, insulted most of bride and grooms relations, and then thrown up violently everywhere. I don't get invited to many wedding these days...
The last one I went to was back in February, and you know what I thought was the coolest thing ever? A friend of the bride and groom is a professional dancer (she's currently in Cats) and she choreographed their first dance for them because they didn't want their first dance to be the "walk around slowly" dance. It was sooooo cool. The lights dimmed, a spotlight picked them up (it may not have, I was quite drunk at this stage), and the band started the opening riff to "You're too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you..." and they duly proceeded to the middle of the dancefloor and began the walk around slowly dance. Then, when the trumpets came in (der dum, der dum, der der der dum - that bit) they broke away from each other, marched to opposite corners of the dancefloor and then whipped through a routine which wouldn't have looked out of place on Strictly come dancing! Well, actually, it probably would, but there were dips and lifts and stuff! Everyone cheered and clapped, it was great!
So... Ummm... it's probably too late to find a professional dancer. You know, someone who knows stuff like ballet. But if you did, it would be cool to practise a little routine. Just so Kovacs doesn't make a nob of himself or ruin your shoes.
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quote:Originally posted by Modge: I forgot to mention the bestest thing I came across when wedding planning: The Pre-E support threads on wedding forums. Yup, that's right, there are forums on the internet where unengaged girls meet to support each other through the trauma that is waiting for a proposal. They do weekly updates on whether the bf has maybe done enough overtime to buy the ring, how much badgering they've fitted in and, horribly, how much wedding planning they've done.
What is wrong with women? I mean, seriously, what the fuck is up with them?
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I like going to weddings...dressing up, getting drunk....s'brilliant. Unless it is your retted cousin's wedding or something boring like that with dribbly old ladies and awkward conversations with mystery relatives. I like going to friend's weddings.
But I don’t have any this year. Rubbish. Does anyone need a date for any fun weddings this summer?
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