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I want it to feel like my petals are being caressed by a warm breeze from the sea. As opposed to being hogged by some oikey class cockerney with a jellied eel fixation.
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quote:Originally posted by Vanilla Online Persona: In fact, the only reason men even register what a girl looks like during sex is so they can bugger off home sharpish and have a wank about it. The filthy fuckers.
Ive never understood what it is that stops birds from doing this? what the fuck is wrong with you lot, instead of complaining that he doesnt listen or talk eloquently after sex.
"Thanks for the fuck and the memory, live safe in the knowledge that I will think of you, till I get a better shag anyway, See ya."
quote: Also also, how do I let a chap know that my lady parts need munching on - you know, like subtley?
Ask if he likes Buffy, if the answer is No: Chuck him, he's a fragle and you would'nt want him touching you. Yes: Chuck him on the bed and sit on his face, he wont complain, well he should'nt, if he does, well you owe him one!
quote:Originally posted by Vanilla Online Persona: I want it to feel like my petals are being caressed by a warm breeze from the sea. As opposed to being hogged by some oikey class cockerney with a jellied eel fixation.
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Slightly off-topic, if Thorn is here again can you tell me if you have read and enjoyed Martin Amis' The Rachel Papers, Thorn? Because I'm looking at it again for the first time in many years and it strikes me that the "voice" of the narrator is identical to your schtick.
Downside: he is a sex-crazed smug middle-class 19 year-old from 1973
Upside: your writing is like that of one of Britain's greatest authors
quote:Originally posted by kovacs: Upside: your writing is like that of one of Britain's greatest authors
Mrmgh. Surely that was written when Amis was - in your own words - "a young and relatively talentless prick"?
I haven't read the book, no, but the first time someone said that to me was in 1997, which doesn't say much for my personal development. Most recent time someone said it was Octavia, a few weeks ago. I'm actually a bit scared to read it, in fact, in case it has the same shattering effect as the academic in Small World who has his 'style' analysed and identified back to him by a computer.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Surely that was written when Amis was - in your own words - "a young and relatively talentless prick"?
I am revising my opinion on this re-reading. The irony is that when I first encountered early Amis (this and Success) I was 19 or so, and assumed Amis (successful dad, effortless early-20s entry into publishing, Oxford laurels) was writing a version of himself in these insufferable nobs with their sprawling posh families, languid sexploits and precocious memoirs. So I hated them with a sort of jealousy, and Amis by extension.
Now I suspect at least that Amis is as far satirically-removed from these protagonists as he is from their ageing counterparts in his later novels. I didn't realise at the time that we're meant to see Charles Highway as pathetic and empty, with his sexual encounters utterly joyless.
Sooo... in fact I think early Amis is quite an achievement, and as I see many of your posts about your social/sex life as self-satire, grotesque exaggeration, the comparison isn't as much an insult as you'd think based on my previous comments about this author's juvenilia.
Good call about Small World but I don't really think it would have that effect. I'm constantly finding novels that are doing what I've been trying to do in my writing, but doing it much better. It might put me off for a little while, but I think if you're driven to write in some way (as I believe you and Ben are, for instance) then it'll take more than that to stop you. NB. the fellow in Small World -- I don't think he is an academic in fact, just a Northern social realist author -- does start a new work by the end of that novel, I'm sure.
Vanilla Enterprises would like to thank you for your contribution but it has been decided not to proceed with your application at this time.
Yours sincerely,
Valerie Slappit, PA to Mr VOP
PS - Unless you're going to advise me on bloke-pulling technique, or you're going to get your cock out then you can bugger orf my thread with your fancy-pants, gaylording literary ways.
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posted
How much encouragement would a guy really need to go down on a girl? Going down on a chick is just about the best thing in the world. Unless her personal hygiene is questionable, but then that applies to all forms of physical intimacy. That girl in the Carling ad was lovely as I remember. I'd go down on her for weeks at a time if the opportunity arose.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: How much encouragement would a guy really need to go down on a girl? Going down on a chick is just about the best thing in the world. Unless her personal hygiene is questionable, but then that applies to all forms of physical intimacy. That girl in the Carling ad was lovely as I remember. I'd go down on her for weeks at a time if the opportunity arose.
True.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Unless her personal hygiene is questionable,
I love this expression. I was going to ask if you would actually question someone over their hygiene on a date but I could visualise it easily, with you sat in a restaurant, berating a horrible kleggy lady while she blubs hysterically. Playing good Thorn, bad Thorn by switching from comforting words like 'it's not your fault I'm sure. Glandular. There are ointments to soothe your problem' to screaming 'YOU FUCKING STINK YOU FILTHPIG! WHO ON GOD'S EARTH WOULD EVEN BE ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR TONGUE WITH THAT BALEFUL STENCH?'
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Just because it's 'questionable' doesn't mean you hav to ask questions to her. It just means that her hygiene is open to question, even in the abstract. eg thinking "God, that smells. What the hell is all that about?" Anyway, even then you can usually acclimatise yourself to it, or try and imagine like you find it a turn on.
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quote:Originally posted by New Way Of Decay: What if you actually gagged when approaching the wares? You'd never be able to lie yourself out of that situation.
A chick once puked on me intimately. Maybe she was trying to tell me something.
not...
You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over
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8. PLAY WITH YOURSELF Men are easily manipulated by things that they don't fully understand, for example padded clothes hangers and body language.
Twiddle with your hair, on your head, unless you have a skinhead in which case don't.
Suck on things like straws or lollypops, things that are long and thin are best. Round things like ginger nut biscuits and footballs are not so good. Lacking in props? - just use your fingers!! Use one finger or two but no more than that or you just look stupid and don't poke them down your throat so far you gag, Unless you have already put out and are trying to hint that you are up for some hot throat f**k action ;0)
9. KEEP THEM CONFUSED Try being really really cruel and then be really nice, like 5 minutes later. Then start like you want to shag them, then just go all stiff and cold and turn your head to the side. When they ask what's wrong, rant about everything they've done wrong ever for like their whole life until they are at the point of tears. Then shag them.
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quote:Originally posted by Thorn Davis: Just because it's 'questionable' doesn't mean you hav to ask questions to her.
Well, of course, but like saying 'his intentions are questionable Mable, none other than a rapist buys girls a double scotch' makes me think that is we're talking about a real double gloucester stenchstick that you might actually turn to your friend and say 'd00d, why did colins cock smell so bad in the rugby scrum yesterday?' or in my example simply turn to the date who might provide the joi of cunnilingus but stopping her mid-sentence, in the centre of a fancy restaurant like a record scratching off the deck and asking 'look before we go any further. That smell. Is that smell your cunny?'
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Also has anyone else experienced a lady not wanting you to go down on her? What’s with that? It’s plain weird. And a massive boner harshener to boot. Not to mention paranoia inducing. Is it cause they’re hung up about oral? Is it cause they don’t want to reciprocate? What? Oh god! Maybe they thought I had questionable hygiene.
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posted
This has happened to me. It was like when you push your toothbrush too far back - only about 20 times in succession. I carried on like a fucking trooper though, never like to leave a job badly done me.
Anyhoo, a mate of mine once complained about her bloke using the flat of his tongue rather than the tip - how would you bring that up? You know, actual mechanics ...
A number of ladies are fairly disparaging about male techniques in this department, I was simply wondering how they brought it up.
Bet OJ's gaggin to get on here and textually slap me down right now.
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not...
You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over
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10. KEEP IT CLEAN (wo)MAN!
Nothing turns a man off like a minging minge. We know that you hate your genitals, and that is as it should be, but, you've really got to put some effort into keeping it scrubbed and minty fresh. Use a toothbrush (not your own) to get into the corners of your flaps and here's a great tip - baby Hedgehogs dipped in common toilet bleach are great for those hard to reach "womb" areas - simply leave a trail of worms, lie back, relax and let the Hog do the scrapin'!!
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posted
In the heat of the moment, you'd probably go to the lad "Oooh baby yeah baby, use the tip baby, yeah like that baby yeah oh my god yeah baby the tip, use the tip of your tongue on me baby the tip, not like that baby, the fucking - FOR - "
Whu baby did that hurt?
"FOR FUCKS SAKE: USE THE FUCKING TIP OF YOUR STUPID FAT FUCKING TONGUE YOU ****".
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There's a thread on Handbag now that includes a post relevant to this discussion. Apparently a 'bagger heard an exchange like this on the street between two ladies out for a drink.
[from memory]
girl 1: My fanny smells awful.
girl 2: Eh how do you mean, awful.
girl 1: [sticks hand down the front of her skirt and, in the words of HB poster, "ferrits" there for a bit before lifting it to her friend's noise]
girl 2: You're right, that is rank, you should get to the GUM clinic.
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Thorn's observation that he would enjoy going down on the girl in the Carling ad raises an interesting point. Presumably he'd relish the idea because she's pretty, and I suppose has a nice figure. But technically, should it really make any difference what her face is like, if you're going to snuffle in her bits. It's one sexual activity where you won't be likely to see much of her face or the rest of her body.
Would it be preferable to give oral to a girl with a nice puss but a nasty face, or a nasty puss but a nice face? [Confusingly, "puss" can mean face, but I'm sure you can work it out]
Is that OK, I feel I've contributed to the on-topic discussion now.
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NB. Lads: I bought Nuts today because of my stupid fascination with Sam Heuston off Big Brother. Plus it was pretty cheap at 60p. It's the first semi-porn I've actually held in my hands, as opposed to seen on a screen, for perhaps 10 years. Porn always has a certain smell about it, in magazine form. Your mum could probably scent it in your room. Relevant because the magazine is currently in the room i'm sleeping in, in my parents' house. So I've had to hide it! Again, an amusingly retro experience.
Anyway, though her breasts are off-puttingly fake (I only remembered after spending the 60p) she has cutely boyish nipples. Perhaps that's worrying in itself, that I prefer boyish nipples on a girl, rather than the (I suppose) more womanly chunky or digestive-biscuit size version. Other than that, the photo-shoot is not attractive, the "interview" is ghastly (you can imagine them feeding her the lines, and her cackle as she blandly assents that yes, she fancies Orlaith and Vanessa Nimmo) and the rest of the magazine features a man with his kneecap torn off, something about Little Britain and a feature where a girl off the street strips to her underwear.
I read it in a coffee-shop in the town's tawdry "mall", and had to skip most pages, then close the mag entirely, because I was in danger of blushing in shame.
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On the very last press trip I went on the editors from Nuts and Zoo (and failing monthly lad-mag ICE) were there, serving as a living breathing rebuke to anyone who thought that the programme Nathan Barley was outdated.
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I picked up a copy of the Sunday Sport on the tube the other day. I was SHOCKED. The last time I saw it it was all 'sausage found on Mars' and 'grandma gives birth to dog'. Now it's entirely women bending over showing their arses and upside-down tits. I put it back down on the seat, and a man who got on next picked it up. He blushed, and put it down. So this must have gone on until the paper became strewn around the carriage, as they do.
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posted
When I was much younger, and first doing the sex I went down on a girl and to hide my nervousness I went 'Corrrrrr'(as in Cor-blimey) like a school kid.
She booted me in the head, twice and very hard and got dressed and left my house in a hurry.
I later learnt that she thought I had said 'Phwoar' as in 'What's that smell?'
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Astromariner
Going the right way for a smacked bottom
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quote:Originally posted by herbs: I picked up a copy of the Sunday Sport on the tube the other day. I was SHOCKED. The last time I saw it it was all 'sausage found on Mars' and 'grandma gives birth to dog'. Now it's entirely women bending over showing their arses and upside-down tits.
But the Sunday Sport has been like that for ages! Since I was 16, anyway, and was working weekends at my local Shell garage. Men used to buy it and I would always blush crimson and avoid all eye-contact when I took their money, and find my gaze defaulting to Lola Ferrari's 48ZZ bosoms instead. I think there might be more emphasis on 'accidental' up-skirt shots now, mind you.
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