Oi darlin' get your tits out for the ladz...

There are 4 basic types of birds.

Those you would
Those you wouldn't
Paid for slappers
Your dear old Mum

Some may argue that a Bangkok lady boy is a bit like a woman, but it's not. Bangkok lady boys have cocks, and birds don't have cocks - You bleedin' nonce.

How do I pull a bird ?

Pulling a bird is easy. First find one that you would and then get her pissed. Birds drink things like Babycham and Pernod and Black so in order to speed up the whole pulling process add some extra vodka to her drinks when she's not looking.
Birds love it when you talk about them, so stand just out of her earshot with a group of mates and point at her whilst making thrusting motions with your groin. (Don't thrust too hard though just in case you pop your bolt early)
You can also shout things at her like:
  • Oi darlin'
  • Pwoooar !
  • D'ya fancy a shag ?
  • Get your tits out..
  • Do you spit or swallow ?
  • Even though you are my sister, I'd still shag you.
So, she's drunk and falling over. What next ?

More drink and some Frenching. It's important to get her lubed up. One way to get her juices flowing is to French her. A Frenchie is done by sticking your tongue in her mouth and wobbling it about a bit, birds love it and the wetter the better. You can also grope both her tits and her arse at this point.
When the pub or club chucks out make sure you seperate her from her mates and get her into a cab quick.
In the cab you can continue with the Frenching and arse - tit groping, but to add excitement why not see if you can get your hand into her knickers ?

I've made it, I've got her back to my place. And now ?

Shag her. This should take about 5 miniutes. If she looks like a dog remember to wear a Johnny - After all you don't want to get her in the club. Shagging without a Johnny should only be done if the bird is really fit and you want to keep her.

Pulled her, Shagged her, Got myself a bird. Now what ?

Show her you care by giving her little presents like lovebites and rolled gold chains. Don't take any lip from her though, if she gets mouthy give her a slap. There are 4 basic ways to slap a mouthy bird

Forehand slap - Backhand slap - Arm punch - Leg punch

Now, we're not saying "Beat her up" or "Have a fight" with her, we're just saying that the occasional slap will show her who's boss. And remember that all birds want what the other birds have, she'll show off those bruises with pride at the next single mothers coffee morning down the community center.

So now you know. Soon you'll be a grade A fanny magnet. Happy shagging, and remember it doesn't matter if she comes, as long as you do - And don't let anyone tell you any different.

FLM's BIRD OF THE MONTH *coming soon*

FLM's expert fanny magnet: Dave 'Shagger' Eddington.

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*FLM written by Darryn Reeds, with contributions from Christopher Goldsmith and Andy Mcloughlin*