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There are 4 basic types of car.

Ford Escort
Vauxhall Astra
Vauxhall Nova
Any other J-reg hatchback

Some may argue that a 4 wheel drive jeep is also a car, and its not. 4 wheel drive jeeps are only driven by yuppies who use them to drive to Waitrose or the creche - Tossers.

So you've faked a driving license ?

How do you sort yourself out with a tasty motor.
Unfortunately, if you haven't realised already, you will soon find that the supercars of your dreams are well beyond your reach. So what can you do about this dilemma?

The answer is simple: you modify a standard motor into a snarling road beast. Here's the FLM guide to keeping your street cred on a budget.

Firstly, you're gonna have to choose your ride. You may be slightly limited on your choice but, basically the more extras you can get on it the better.
Look out for limited sports models with small engines because these will be easy on the insurance and probably have slightly sportier performance/handling.

So you've picked and purchased, your chariot sits like a blank canvas onto which you will paint the nuttiest road racer in history. Let's get to work!

What mods should you do ?

Chances are, you're just not going to be able to afford that twin turbo Spoon engine just yet so let's not bother with the engine for the time being.
But that's not to say you shouldn't bother making it look like it should be on a track beating GT racers, oh no, that's the whole point!

Let's look at the exterior.
Fast cars need a lot of downforce. Downforce is provided by spoilers. The faster the car, the bigger the spoiler has to be. Simple. So if your escort has a spoiler that a small gypsy camp could gather on, your motor is just gonna scream 'performance' Same is true of your front bumper. Big turbo-charged engines have massive intercoolers which require a large air intake on the front of the bumper and one in the bonnet. To start, why not try taking your standard bumper and cutting out the front of it. If you want that really professional look, go to your local Halfords, find the colour that looks most like your car and spray up that bumper to give a clean look. Just remember that the paint will eventually start to flake so you might want to buy several cans and re-touch it every now and then.

As any serious race car driver will tell you, the biggest danger to your performance on the track is being dazzled by the sun. Best get those windows blacked out quick time.
This will show people you mean business. With those black windows, you're definitely not messing about! You could get it done professionally but you'll save a lot of money by buying tinting film from Halfords.
After a while, the bubbles will practically dissappear leaving you with that classy Limo look.

Of course, you're gonna be left with a sound not unlike a lawnmower engine whenever you drive anywhere. This can be sorted in two ways:
The first is to fit a large bore exhaust.
Basically, the bigger the better. The exhaust will roar so loud that people will think you have some serious equipment under that bonnet.
The second is drown it out with your ICE.
You're gonna need a soundtrack when you cruise the streets in your ride so a large audio system is a must.
Not only does it look impressive when you show your mates your massive bass bins, but the birds just love a guy with a hot car and big sounds.
Get the bootspace filled up with the biggest subs you can afford. Don't worry if you can only afford cheap ones, as long as it goes loud enough to wake the dead, just play it so loud that people are impressed by the volume and forget about the sound quality.
When those girls hear So Solid pumping on the twin woofers, they'll be so moist you wont even have to bother with foreplay!

Of course, once you get a bird into your ride, you want to keep her comfortable.
The best way to do this is to get some bucket seats. As with most mods, the bigger the better, it gives your car a true racey feel and stops your birds arse from getting sore before you've even got her back to your room.

Now your car is finished. Don't be afraid to show people what you're made of! If you plant that right foot hard enough, you'll spin those three spoked alloy wheels nicely which will make people think you have an enourmous turbocharged engine under the bonnet.
There is nothing more impressive than a Ford Escort screaching its tyres at the lights.
You may not be able to back it up with any real speed just yet but people will soon respect that, had you been in a faster car, you'd have probably gone pretty fast.

With all this, you've made a car that looks just as good as a brand new Ferrari and at a fraction of the cost. Hit the streets and let those ladies flock. Women know only a true man could drive a car like that and they'll be only too keen to see if you're as good in bed as you are behind the wheel.


FLM's speedy boy racer: Chris 'Spoliers' McCuntie.

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*FLM written by Darryn Reeds, with contributions from Christopher Goldsmith and Andy Mcloughlin*